Remnants - Ch. 1
master post
On behalf of everyone at Rick Husband International Airport and your crew on Delta Airlines, we'd like to welcome you to Amarillo. We hope that you enjoy your stay and fly with us again soon.
If Jared never heard that woman's voice again, it would be too soon. Stuffing his Blackberry into his laptop bag, he got up as best he could, wary of the overhead compartment. At 6''5', Jared wasn't cut out for air travel. His height was the biggest reason he always flew first class and why he hated flying, period. Taking one last look at his seat to make sure he wasn't forgetting anything, Jared grabbed his garment bag from the compartment and headed for the door.
The trip had taken four days longer than he'd anticipated, but after a lot of wining-and-dining, Jared had closed the largest deal in Tyson Foods' history. The company was now the sole provider of chicken products to the Bellagio and Jared couldn't be more excited. With the new deal came a substantial pay-raise and Jared could practically feel the cool, blue water of the pool that they were going to install. Chad and the kids had been hounding him for months about adding it to their already-spatial home. Three weeks of pestering had led to a family meeting. After hearing everyone's points (including Jason's, 'SWIM, DADA!), they decided that with the next raise, the pool would indeed be built. Jared just hadn't expected it to happen so soon.
He found himself unable to stop smiling as he made his way through the airport. His boss had already called to make arrangements for a congratulatory dinner and Jared knew that as soon as Chad found out, they would be celebrating in their own way. The thought alone turned the smile into a full-blown grin and he made a mental note to call the babysitter as soon as he got home.
“Speaking of phone calls,” Jared murmured to himself as he walked through the revolving door of the arrivals area. He had yet to call his husband to tell him he'd landed. Jared missed Chad and the kids; a week away had seemed like a lifetime.
Stopping for a moment, Jared opened his bag and pulled out his phone. He dialled as he walked, enjoying the dry head of the Texas sun and hoping that his car wasn't baked through and through from the days spent exposed to the climate.
“You've reached Chad, Jared, Jason, and Brianna. We're not home right now, so leave a message after the beep.” Jared chuckled at the message, elated to hear everyone's voice, even if the recording had been made a year earlier. Ending the call without leaving a voice mail, Jared tried his husband's cell phone next, figuring that his family was out doing some activity or another. Even as he unlocked the car, Jared paid no mind to the cacophony of sirens that sped past the airport, headed into town.
“This is Chad. I'm not here right now, so leave a message.”
“Hey, babe, it's me. Just landed and am on the way home. Let me know if you need anything from the store. If not, I'll see you soon.” Jared grinned, shaking his head as he disconnected the call. That was his Chad; always shuttling around and getting things done.
Jared hummed softly as he reached his car; a 2010 Camaro that both he and Chad decided was big, cool, and loud enough to take the kids to school in without looking like soccer moms. Unlocking it and letting out the super-heated air for a few minutes, Jared let his eyes slip shut for just a moment, enjoying the sunshine that was gracing his hometown. It was a beautiful afternoon in Amarillo and, if everything went according to plan, Jared would be spending the remaining daylight hours playing with his children in the backyard and cuddling with his husband on the deck.
Once the car was aired out, Jared got in and turned on the engine, barely paying attention to the sounds emanating from the vehicle as he fished out his iPod in order to plug it in.
As we reported earlier, the community of Sw--
The radio cut off as his iPod kicked in, the song upbeat and a little campy. One of the kids had probably bugged Chad to add it to the playlist before Jared had left for Nevada. He smiled as he pulled out of the spot, Jared's fingertips tapping along with the beat as he drove. It was a short trip home, no longer than fifteen minutes, and with each passing yellow line, he grew more and more excited about the prospect of having a few days off to spend with his family. The windows remained rolled down as he drove, what little breeze there was, coming in and filtering out more of the heat as his speed increased. When the first song on the playlist ended, Jared found himself singing along to the next one, his smile never once wavering. To his delight, there was very little traffic out on the highway. Most people were still at work, wiling away the hours until they could go home and start their weekends. Jared had to stop himself from laughing out loud at the thought of his co-workers staring at the clock, willing it to go faster. Sometimes his job was worth all the travel, and now was definitely one of those times.
Jared's thoughts were bluntly interrupted as he merged onto the main road that led into Sweet Meadow Ranch, a gated community just outside of Amarillo proper. The road was thoroughly blocked by emergency vehicles. Cops, paramedics, and firefighters all milled about, some listening to instructions, others sitting on the sidewalk with their head in their hands. Jared slowed as he approached the main gate, unable to go any further due to the two police cruisers that blocked the road. Because of the lush greenery the developers had planted, it was hard to see inside his neighborhood and Jared felt a rush of panic sweep over him as he took in the scene. It was a voice that brought him back to the present. Jared turned to look out his driver's side window, his friend, officer Riley Smith, leaning against the door.
"Hey, man, you just get back?" Riley asked, his nonchalant tone a weak cover-up for the worry that marred his tan features.
"Yeah, just landed a half hour ago. What's going on?"
"Tornado. F4 just ran through town like it was Black Friday."
"Is anyone hurt? Have you seen Chad or the kids?" Riley didn't answer, simply shaking his head. Jared's heart leaped into his throat. Instantly, his mind began running the same few words in a continuous loop.
Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay.
"Look, just because I haven't seen 'em, doesn't mean they're hurt, Jay. Park your car over there and I'll escort you in," Riley finally spoke up, forehead creased both from the intensity of the sun and the worry that every officer seemed to be reflecting in their expressions. Jared nodded hastily before pulling a three point turn and parking where Riley had indicated.
Barely remembering to lock the car, Jared jogged over to Riley's cruiser and got in the passenger side. His hands were cold and clammy and his heart felt like it was going to burst through his ears at any moment. They had to be okay; Jared couldn't even think of what would happened if they weren't.
The two cruisers blocking the road slowly reversed to get out of Riley's way. When they finally cleared, Jared couldn't help but let out a gasp at what he saw. The wrought-iron gate that marked the entrance was impaled at the very top of an oak tree, the trunk creaking ominously as it swayed under the weight. Sweet Meadow's club house was gone and even though he jerked his head in all directions, Jared couldn't see it anywhere. Riley was silent as he drove slowly down the main drag, avoiding debris that littered the road in all different shapes and sizes. He didn't have to ask Jared for the street name as he'd been there enough times to know the way by heart. Jared tried not to look at his friend, tried not to read the anxiety and despair in the blue eyes that were usually so jovial, but in the end decided that looking at Riley was better than looking out at the apocalyptic scene his neighborhood had become.
Riley slowed the car even further as they pulled into Wind Meadow Crescent. Jared closed his eyes at the soft, broken sob that unexpectedly came from Riley. He knew that when he opened them again, all he would see was devastation. The sound was quickly replaced by his friend clearing his throat, and when he spoke, Riley's voice was loaded with seriousness and intensity. It was the voice he used when speaking to a hostage, or a person trapped in their car. It wasn't a tone Jared wanted to hear.
"Jay, listen. They may not even be here, okay? I don't want you running in there and tearing the place up looking for 'em, okay? We go together and we go slow, so we don't end up getting hurt with the debris? You got it, buddy? Slow." Jared nodded even as he opened his eyes and took in the place where his house had once stood. Even though he'd understood Riley's words, there was nothing he could do to stop his body's instantaneous reaction and in the span of a heartbeat, he found himself jumping out of the car and sprinting to the head of the cul-de-sac.
It wasn't possible. How had his entire house disappeared and left nothing but a pile of 2x4's in its place? Jared scrambled around the crunched up hull of what had been Chad's car, his ears ringing as the panic set in full force. He couldn't hear Riley, couldn't hear the distant sirens, couldn't even hear the noise that punctuated every step he took closer to the remains of his home. When the cement ended in the two steps that used to lead up to their front door, Jared stopped and pulled out his phone, his lungs heaving each breath out as he dialled Chad's number again. His husband's voice came over the line in the same pre-recorded message, but Jared could barely hear it. Instead, the one sound that cut through everything else, was his husband's ring tone. It was muffled, but it was close, and unmistakeably his. Jared couldn't count how many times he'd asked Chad to change it from the blaring metal chorus to something a little quieter for the sake of both the kids and the general public. Now, however, he was merely glad that it was so loud, as it made tracing its source ten times easier.
"Jay, don't, it's not stable!" Riley called, his words going unheeded as Jared climbed over the debris to the spot where his bathroom used to be. The dome of wood and steel that covered his bathtub stuck out from the rest of the mess like a sore thumb and, with adrenaline coursing through every vein, Jared began mindlessly tossing it all aside, knowing full well that if his family had gotten caught in the house, they'd be in the bathtub. It was part of the emergency plan they'd all created when they first moved into the house, and Jared knew that despite his usually-goofy demeanor, Chad took the plan seriously.
"No," Jared breathed as he finally saw the phone, its plastic shell clutched tightly in a dry wall-coated hand. Chad's watch was still ticking; Jared hoped his husband's heart was still doing the same. Wood and steel went flying and Jared didn't even care if his hands got cut as he cleared as much of the rubble off his husband as he could. Chad's face finally came into view and Jared felt his throat close up against the sob that threatened to escape. His husband looked like he was asleep, eyelashes grazing his cheeks, dust making him look paler than he normally was. Jared's hand shot down to his neck, willing himself to feel even the faintest of pulses, the smallest sign of life. Chad was cold, and not even a solitary beat met Jared's fingers.
His stomach churned as he took in the rest of the scene, Jared realizing that Chad's right arm was still buried under a considerable amount of debris. He didn't hear the panicked noises he made as he tore away the rest of the wreckage, Jared praying that his worst nightmare hadn't become reality. Only a whimper left his lips as he took in his two children, both nestled in as close as possible to Chad, their little bodies perfectly intact and unmoving.
He was certain that they could hear him screaming from the main gate.
“Jay, come on, man, you've gotta get out of there,” Riley pleaded some time later, the source of Jared's panic having shifted from finding his family to finding any one of their many photo albums.
It was such a stupid thing, really, to go on a crazed hunt through the rubble for imprints of their years together, but the more he searched, the more desperate he became. Jared wasn't sure how long he'd been looking but in what seemed like hours, he'd only managed to scrounge up one picture of the four of them from a family barbeque they'd thrown last year. The kids were smaller, but they looked pretty much the same. Chad's hair was freshly-cut and he was clean-shaven just as Jared preferred. Jared's own hair was flying in all directions thanks to the wind, his smile still visible through the mess of long locks. They had been so happy that day, so carefree. As he stared at the picture, he had to wonder whether it was all some cruel dream meant to keep him from heartbreak for a prescribed amount of time.
The sound of cars filled in the once-quiet street and before he could resume his search, Riley was tugging him back towards his cruiser with all his might. It wasn't an easy feat by any means, but his friend was running on pure adrenaline and he was much stronger than his physique let on. That didn't mean Jared was going without a fight.
“LET ME GO! Let me go! I want to stay with them! You can't! You can't take me from them!” He wailed, thrashing and raging against his friend's firm grip.
“They're gone, Jared. They're gone,” Riley whispered, holding his friend as tight as he could, his own face contorted with immense grief.
Jared sat in the makeshift aid station, eyes blank and glazed as he watched Riley make the necessary phone calls. He hadn't spoken a word to anyone since being forced to leave the site and as the wind blew gently across the field just outside of the community, Jared tried to remember the last words he and Chad exchanged. His eyes closed and there was just a hint of a smile as he realized that all his worrying was for nothing. Jared had called his family the night before and everyone's parting words were 'I love you'. Chad knew he was loved; their children had passed from one world to the next in their father's embrace. It was a small comfort and one that Jared held onto as he watched the skies open up above them, rain beginning to cleanse the land, almost as though the earth was crying along with him.
Someone bent down and offered him some Gatorade but Jared shook his head; if he put anything in his stomach, he was certain it was going to come right back up. His eyes remained closed as he stood on shaking legs and wandered out from under the tent, wanting to feel the rain, wanting it to wash his tear-streaked face. The picture of Chad and the kids was tucked safely into his briefcase in the front of Riley's cruiser, so Jared held no qualms about letting the water soak through his clothing.
Images of Chad's face flashed clearly through his mind's eye and before he realized it, Jared was down on the ground, knees slamming against the asphalt as he sobbed into his hands. They were gone and he was left. They were dead and he was still very much alive. Why? Jared asked the question louder and louder as he prayed to be taken along with his family. How was he supposed to survive without them?
Again it was his friend's hands which enveloped his shoulders, tugging him gently out of the path of lightning and rain. Once they were back under the tent, Jared felt Riley hug him tightly, his friend rubbing his back in vigorous strokes, as though he were trying to resuscitate him.
“You're mama's comin' just as soon as she can,” Riley assured Jared as they stood there in the middle of the storm. Jared wasn't sure whether it was a good or a bad thing.
The next day or so passed in a haze. Jared was certain he didn't get any sleep, but he must have laid down at some point because he awoke in a hotel room bed surrounded on all sides by his family. His mother, his father, his little sister and his older brother--not to mention his grandparents and two aunts--all stared at him intently, as though they were psychically trying to get him to grow wings and fly. Jared squeezed his eyes shut tightly, counting to 30 before opening them again. Nope, still there.
"Hi," he croaked out softly after no one made a move to speak, his eyes gazing around to find everyone looking especially somber; it was touching, in an awkward sort of way. While his immediate family knew and loved Chad and the kids, his extended family had barely even seen his husband. Apparently in the Padalecki clan, death was cause for a family reunion.
"Oh, sweetheart. We came as soon as Riley called!" his mother squawked, fluttering to his side, her arms wrapping around him tightly. Jared hugged her back numbly, remembering full well what had happened, but seeing it through a very old, unfocused movie in his head. It couldn't have possibly happened to his family, could it?
He remained sitting as the rest of his formed a line and each gave him a hug, or a pat on the back, in turn. It was surreal and all Jared wanted to do was run somewhere that was devoid of the morbid silence that coated the room. One thing Jared hated was people pitying him and now, their big teary eyes and thin, flat mouths just made him want to scream. And all right, so maybe he was still irrationally angry at whoever's brilliant idea it was to play Wizard of Oz with his house, but more than anything, Jared just wanted to be left alone so he could grieve properly.
"We've already started the arrangements, and Chad's family gave us the full go-ahead. They won't make it in time for the service, but they send their regards, darling." Typical. Chad's family was always off on god-knows-what island, drinking too much and getting skin cancer. Jared wasn't surprised that they weren't going to be at their own son's funeral. Hell would freeze over before they thought of their own flesh and blood and not Mojitos on the beach.
"I got your suit pressed for ya, that nice black one you had made for that big meeting last year," his mother murmured, her hand smoothing back his hair as though he had a fever. Jared muttered a thank you and then stood, heading for the door. Nobody dared get in his path as he turned the door knob and walked out into the balmy night air. It was as if some shitty hair band from the eighties had holed up in his head, turning it to eleven and making it hard to even see exactly what was in front of him.
Jared walked across the parking lot, kicking little bits of asphalt that had churned up from the ground as he went. It was quiet outside, wherever he was; quieter than the hotel room had been. Jared looked up at the sky, studied the stars, quietly wondering if his family, the people he loved more than anything, were up there. He'd never been overly religious, even being brought up in a Baptist household, but now, as things unfolded, Jared had to wonder what was on the other side. Was Chad's soul out there somewhere, enjoying the good life without any pain, any sadness, regret, anger? Were their children frolicking around some field with their favorite toys, destined never to grow up and experience the hardships of adulthood? Were they together? His face was wet, and while at first he thought it was a fresh batch of tears, Jared soon realized that it was just rain, cooling off the ground and watering the foliage. His very bones ached when he remembered just how much Chad loved the soft, lazy rain on warm summer nights. They would put the kids to bed and hop out into the backyard for a little waltz around the grass, speaking quietly about the things they couldn't say in front of the kids, working out plans for the next week, and exchanging more kisses than any other time of day. Chad could barely be coerced into dancing at their own wedding, but out in the yard, with only Jared around, he was a masterful slow dancer, never once stepping on his husband's bare feet as they swayed out under the stars, content just to be in one another's arms.
The ground was cool and wet when he sat down, Jared not caring if his clothes got soaked; at least he could feel it. Arms resting on his knees, he let his head fall forward, eyes closed as he tried to find the silver lining. His mother had taught him that it was always darkest before the dawn, but as it stood, he thought the statement was pretty null and void. His family was his light and without them, Jared felt surrounded by inky black, hanging thick and grotesque from every last limb.
"We are gathered here today to celebrate the lives of three--" Jared tuned out the priest, unable to bear another second of the pity, the anguish, the formality of it all. No one was even crying! His husband and two children were laying in coffins and everyone was so caught up in being proper that even those that knew them best weren't showing their feelings. Jared pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes, hoping it would quell the storm that was welling up inside him. How could they just stand there, looking so penitent? His eyes flooded with tears as the priest finished his speech, Jared curling over, the sobs soft and unnoticed by many who were there. It was all just an act; no one really gave two shits about his family, about the catastrophic hole their passing had left in his heart. They were there just for appearances and it made him rage.
Without caring what they thought, Jared stood and took the single step to the largest coffin of the three. His chest rattled like someone had dropped an alarm clock in it. The outside of the box was smooth and warm, the onyx fiberglass heated gently by the sun as he placed his cheek against it. Jared wondered if the heat was filtering through to Chad, warming him up one last time before letting him freeze six feet under.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there," he whispered, needing his husband to know that if he'd had a say in the matter, he would've been right there with him, holding onto the kids and praying with all his might. Instead, he was still alive, left behind by the people that mattered most. It simply wasn't fair.
Jared didn't know who pulled him away, whose hands closed gently around his biceps, tugging him from the boxes, away from the family he'd worked so hard to grow and protect. He cried out at the mechanical cranks slowly dropping the coffins into the ground, the two smaller ones, too tiny to even seem real, going in next to Chad's. This was the end of everything he'd ever known for the last seven years and Jared didn't want to witness it. It was only when he sat down that he realized he still had the flowers in his hand. Three roses, meant to have been thrown onto the caskets. Rising again, amidst protests from his parents, Jared ambled to the gaping maws all open neatly in a row and threw a single rose into each one, an offering to whoever was now taking care of his family.
The world blurred again as the service ended and everyone headed back to Riley's house for the reception. Jared closed his eyes along the way, pressing his forehead to the warm tinted glass of his father's Expedition, just wanting it all to be over. He wasn't sure he'd be able to handle so many people wanting to offer their condolences. His body pulled him into sleep again, the fifteen minute ride providing a small nap to his battered state.
“So what will you do now, honey?”
“Are you gonna rebuild, son, or are ya gonna move to down to Fort Worth?”
“Did Chad leave behind a voice mail, a message, anything?”
“They say the site's gonna be uninhabitable for a few months. Where ya gonna stay 'till then?”
“Did he have a will?”
It was like a damn press conference. Everyone wanted something out of Jared and they all wanted answers now. He sat there, eyes staring blankly at a photo of Riley's great-grandfather, a famous bull rider who'd lost everything in a bad hand at poker. He'd blown his brains out not long after with a Smith and Wesson. Like Jared, he couldn't handle the pressure and had taken the easy way out. Jared wasn't taking that route however; he was certain that when he got up there, that Chad would beat his ass for doing it. The thought made him snort, and without saying a word to anyone, he swiped the keys of his own car off Riley's key dish and headed out the door.
The purr of the engine was comforting and for the first time since everything happened, he felt the muscles in his face relax, the tension in his shoulders ease some; it felt good. He kept his speed slow as he ambled through town, looking at all the other spots that had been damaged by the tornado and wondering if anyone else had lost their family. He had no plans for a specific destination, but Jared wasn't surprised when he ended up back at their old place after a cruise through town. The gate wasn't cordoned off and the streets were devoid of any wind-swept cars, allowing him to go back to his street without any issue. Jared bit his lip as he took in the sight a second time. Some of the debris had been cleared off the front lawn and the grass was actually visible again; it made him feel a little better; at least someone was taking care of things. He rolled the car to a stop along the curb and after loosening his tie and taking off his jacket, finally got out of the car and headed to the remnants of his former life.
Jared hated that he still couldn't find another photo of them all together. They'd taken so many, and yet they'd all scattered in the wind as though they mattered to no one. The hurt came back full force as he slowly climbed over the rubble, picking up pieces of the past with every few steps; Chad's NC baseball cap, Breanna's favorite tiara, Jason's stuffed bear. All of it was damaged somehow, but still so cherished that Jared couldn't bear to leave them on the ground. The mass of drywall that had once shielded his family was still there, but amassed in a different spot, as though the rescue workers had thrown it over their shoulders as they uncovered Chad and the kids. Jared slowly dismantled the makeshift molehill, wondering if there was anything of value underneath; anything from his and Chad's wedding, or better yet, any other pictures. He almost laughed out loud when he found a picture of Chad, his face creamed with a full slice of cake, some of it dripping down onto his shirt; it was their first wedding anniversary and Jared had finally exacted payback for Chad's own cake attack that had taken place at their wedding. There had never been a room full of people that had laughed harder at Chad's surprise and Jared's victory dance; it had been wonderful.
Picking up the photo caused a small piece of drywall to slide off the molehill and for a second, Jared wondered what part of someone else's house was doing in his; the black, leather-like material seemed out of place until his eyes refocused and he realized that it was a journal. His hand moved away as though he'd been burned and for a moment, Jared debated even picking it up. It looked very much like one Chad had owned and he wasn't sure he wanted to flip through the pages, walk back through the memories and tear the already-deep wound further. It wasn't as if he were scared of reading about infidelity, lying, or anything of that nature; he just didn't want to relive the good times yet.
“Don't be an idiot, Jay. If it's his, you'll kick yourself for not keeping it later,” Jared chided himself softly, shaking his head at the mere notion of not ever picking it up. He tucked the photo into his breast pocket and slipped the journal under his arm, figuring he'd better head back to the gathering before someone called out the search dogs. Everything that was salvaged went into the back seat of his car, the windows rolled up to keep anything from flying away a second time.
His mother began giving him an earful when he stepped back into the house, yammering on about how worried everyone was and how he had to be out of his mind to be just running off like that. Everyone stared in shock as he completely ignored her and headed up the stairs to the guest bedroom, intent on finding out what was in the journal. Closing the door behind himself, Jared sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the cover. It was battered by the tornado, but more so by general use. The edges had curled where it had gotten wet, but Jared couldn't be sure the same had happened to the middle of the pages as there was a tight elastic sewn into the back cover that kept the book firmly closed. He took in the back cover first, finding nothing but a few splotches of red paint and a stamped logo on the very bottom.
“Mole skin?” he questioned softly to the empty room, Jared reading it over a few more times before realizing the word was Italian and had nothing to do with the animal at all. Grinning, he flipped it back to the front and took in the hand-styled cover. FUTURE was etched into the black fabric, a thin arrow underlining it, pointing to the right. The read splatters continued from the back cover and Jared wondered if they'd been done on purpose or by accident. Chad was always doing crafts with the kids, so it was possible it had happened then. Taking a deep breath, he slowly slipped the elastic off the end and opened to the first page. The binding cracked as though it were a bone snapping and for a second Jared was afraid he'd ruined the book, but upon further inspection nothing seemed out of place.
The hand-drawn picture was incredible. All thick black lines, geometric shapes, and funny characters blending into one fluid composition, it covered the entire inside cover and Jared honestly couldn't tell whether the journal had been purchased that way, or altered to look even better. As his eyes moved over to the right side of the image, he caught sight of some lightly-printed font.
In case of loss, please return to:
Jensen Ackles
234 E 4th St.
New York, NY 10009
As a reward: $ A cup of coffee.
Jared breathed out heavily as relief filled him. It wasn't Chad's. He took in the image again, this time with a keener eye; there was so much life and warmth in the simple lines that it almost made him forget where he was, and why he was there in the first place. The page was flipped almost reluctantly, Jared gazing at the illustration until it was completely covered by the next page, which interestingly enough, was all text.
Tell me where you're goin',
What is goin' wrong,
I felt you leavin',
Before you'd even gone.
Black Keys - The Lengths
They turned off Josh's life support today, which means I have no business being in Amarillo anymore. Once he's been cremated, he and I are gonna take a little trip up to New York and he's gonna rest in every spot we ever had a good time at along the way. I just hope I can make it through Day 1.
Jensen's handwriting was easy enough to read and before he realized what he was doing, Jared found himself flipping through all the pages, finding drawings, long, rambling paragraphs, collages, maps, hell, even mix CDs that made yearn to take the same trip that was so vividly brought to life in the journal. Jensen, it seemed, had driven from Amarillo to New York, stopping in Florida for a little while to enjoy the sun before heading back north just in time for summer to start giving way to fall.
Over the next few nights, Jared found himself engrossed in the journal, drinking in every little detail and marveling at how vibrant a notebook belonging to a man who had just lost his brother could be. The sketches of people and places he'd never seen were gorgeous to him; so detailed, yet magical in a cartoon fashion. Along with the collages, they covered every last inch of bare space on the page, sometimes not leaving enough room even for text. The words themselves weaved and curled around the artwork, diving under some illustrations, and springing impishly from others. He didn't dare listen to the mix CDs though, because the more he read, the more the urge to take the same trip grew; listening to the music sitting in a room just didn't seem right. The CDs needed rolled down windows, open roads, and complete carelessness; Jared needed the same.
It became a secret obsession before long. As he had little else to do, Jared had taken to reading the journal and looking up particulars on Goggle, making sure that none of his family happened to be in the room at the same time. They were already bombarding him with enough questions as it was. The ones he heard most often pertained to housing and work, neither subject being one that Jared wanted to focus on. Tyson had taken a pretty heavy loss due to the tornado; the main plant was severely damaged and a number of the nesting areas were gone completely. If Jared had a job to go back to, he sure as hell wasn't ready to start yet. His house was clearly gone, so it was apartment-ville until the insurance company made up its mind about what to do. Jared really wasn't sure why they were even bothering. Everyone knew that he was irreparable, broken in a million little pieces that even the most patient person wouldn't want to put back together. It showed in the new anger he displayed at every day occurrences, the lack of concern for simple things like shaving, wearing clean clothes, and waking up at a decent hour. Most notably, it was present in the near-silence which had descended over him. No one could get him to speak unless it was absolutely necessary.
Day six rolled around and Jared knew what he had to do. He couldn't stand one more morbidly-silent dinner with his family. Couldn't bear the sad looks on their faces, the unspoken hope that he would just 'snap out of it soon' written in theirs eyes. More than anything however, he couldn't silence the nagging little voice that had grown louder and more familiar over the last few days; it was Chad's voice, and while he knew it was insane to think one's dead husband was speaking telepathically to them, Jared couldn't keep from hearing the words in his tone, with the same sarcasm and wit, the same gravelly warmth, the same ever-present chuckle filtering through each letter. It was almost as if Chad was ordering him to take the journey, egging him on, baiting him by hitting every last button. Chad had always been good at that; it was motivation through competition and it always worked on Jared.
He made sure to keep silent as he packed a rucksack with everything he would need for the trip. The keepsakes were already safely stashed in the car, so he grabbed the necessities plus some clean clothes (borrowed, not stolen) from his brother, and without a word to anyone, headed right out the front door. He would go on this trip, and he would find something worthwhile at the end. He would track his own journey in a notebook, and hopefully, when he wound up in New York, would be able to find the man whose life landed on his house.
chapter two
On behalf of everyone at Rick Husband International Airport and your crew on Delta Airlines, we'd like to welcome you to Amarillo. We hope that you enjoy your stay and fly with us again soon.
If Jared never heard that woman's voice again, it would be too soon. Stuffing his Blackberry into his laptop bag, he got up as best he could, wary of the overhead compartment. At 6''5', Jared wasn't cut out for air travel. His height was the biggest reason he always flew first class and why he hated flying, period. Taking one last look at his seat to make sure he wasn't forgetting anything, Jared grabbed his garment bag from the compartment and headed for the door.
The trip had taken four days longer than he'd anticipated, but after a lot of wining-and-dining, Jared had closed the largest deal in Tyson Foods' history. The company was now the sole provider of chicken products to the Bellagio and Jared couldn't be more excited. With the new deal came a substantial pay-raise and Jared could practically feel the cool, blue water of the pool that they were going to install. Chad and the kids had been hounding him for months about adding it to their already-spatial home. Three weeks of pestering had led to a family meeting. After hearing everyone's points (including Jason's, 'SWIM, DADA!), they decided that with the next raise, the pool would indeed be built. Jared just hadn't expected it to happen so soon.
He found himself unable to stop smiling as he made his way through the airport. His boss had already called to make arrangements for a congratulatory dinner and Jared knew that as soon as Chad found out, they would be celebrating in their own way. The thought alone turned the smile into a full-blown grin and he made a mental note to call the babysitter as soon as he got home.
“Speaking of phone calls,” Jared murmured to himself as he walked through the revolving door of the arrivals area. He had yet to call his husband to tell him he'd landed. Jared missed Chad and the kids; a week away had seemed like a lifetime.
Stopping for a moment, Jared opened his bag and pulled out his phone. He dialled as he walked, enjoying the dry head of the Texas sun and hoping that his car wasn't baked through and through from the days spent exposed to the climate.
“You've reached Chad, Jared, Jason, and Brianna. We're not home right now, so leave a message after the beep.” Jared chuckled at the message, elated to hear everyone's voice, even if the recording had been made a year earlier. Ending the call without leaving a voice mail, Jared tried his husband's cell phone next, figuring that his family was out doing some activity or another. Even as he unlocked the car, Jared paid no mind to the cacophony of sirens that sped past the airport, headed into town.
“This is Chad. I'm not here right now, so leave a message.”
“Hey, babe, it's me. Just landed and am on the way home. Let me know if you need anything from the store. If not, I'll see you soon.” Jared grinned, shaking his head as he disconnected the call. That was his Chad; always shuttling around and getting things done.
Jared hummed softly as he reached his car; a 2010 Camaro that both he and Chad decided was big, cool, and loud enough to take the kids to school in without looking like soccer moms. Unlocking it and letting out the super-heated air for a few minutes, Jared let his eyes slip shut for just a moment, enjoying the sunshine that was gracing his hometown. It was a beautiful afternoon in Amarillo and, if everything went according to plan, Jared would be spending the remaining daylight hours playing with his children in the backyard and cuddling with his husband on the deck.
Once the car was aired out, Jared got in and turned on the engine, barely paying attention to the sounds emanating from the vehicle as he fished out his iPod in order to plug it in.
As we reported earlier, the community of Sw--
The radio cut off as his iPod kicked in, the song upbeat and a little campy. One of the kids had probably bugged Chad to add it to the playlist before Jared had left for Nevada. He smiled as he pulled out of the spot, Jared's fingertips tapping along with the beat as he drove. It was a short trip home, no longer than fifteen minutes, and with each passing yellow line, he grew more and more excited about the prospect of having a few days off to spend with his family. The windows remained rolled down as he drove, what little breeze there was, coming in and filtering out more of the heat as his speed increased. When the first song on the playlist ended, Jared found himself singing along to the next one, his smile never once wavering. To his delight, there was very little traffic out on the highway. Most people were still at work, wiling away the hours until they could go home and start their weekends. Jared had to stop himself from laughing out loud at the thought of his co-workers staring at the clock, willing it to go faster. Sometimes his job was worth all the travel, and now was definitely one of those times.
Jared's thoughts were bluntly interrupted as he merged onto the main road that led into Sweet Meadow Ranch, a gated community just outside of Amarillo proper. The road was thoroughly blocked by emergency vehicles. Cops, paramedics, and firefighters all milled about, some listening to instructions, others sitting on the sidewalk with their head in their hands. Jared slowed as he approached the main gate, unable to go any further due to the two police cruisers that blocked the road. Because of the lush greenery the developers had planted, it was hard to see inside his neighborhood and Jared felt a rush of panic sweep over him as he took in the scene. It was a voice that brought him back to the present. Jared turned to look out his driver's side window, his friend, officer Riley Smith, leaning against the door.
"Hey, man, you just get back?" Riley asked, his nonchalant tone a weak cover-up for the worry that marred his tan features.
"Yeah, just landed a half hour ago. What's going on?"
"Tornado. F4 just ran through town like it was Black Friday."
"Is anyone hurt? Have you seen Chad or the kids?" Riley didn't answer, simply shaking his head. Jared's heart leaped into his throat. Instantly, his mind began running the same few words in a continuous loop.
Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay.
"Look, just because I haven't seen 'em, doesn't mean they're hurt, Jay. Park your car over there and I'll escort you in," Riley finally spoke up, forehead creased both from the intensity of the sun and the worry that every officer seemed to be reflecting in their expressions. Jared nodded hastily before pulling a three point turn and parking where Riley had indicated.
Barely remembering to lock the car, Jared jogged over to Riley's cruiser and got in the passenger side. His hands were cold and clammy and his heart felt like it was going to burst through his ears at any moment. They had to be okay; Jared couldn't even think of what would happened if they weren't.
The two cruisers blocking the road slowly reversed to get out of Riley's way. When they finally cleared, Jared couldn't help but let out a gasp at what he saw. The wrought-iron gate that marked the entrance was impaled at the very top of an oak tree, the trunk creaking ominously as it swayed under the weight. Sweet Meadow's club house was gone and even though he jerked his head in all directions, Jared couldn't see it anywhere. Riley was silent as he drove slowly down the main drag, avoiding debris that littered the road in all different shapes and sizes. He didn't have to ask Jared for the street name as he'd been there enough times to know the way by heart. Jared tried not to look at his friend, tried not to read the anxiety and despair in the blue eyes that were usually so jovial, but in the end decided that looking at Riley was better than looking out at the apocalyptic scene his neighborhood had become.
Riley slowed the car even further as they pulled into Wind Meadow Crescent. Jared closed his eyes at the soft, broken sob that unexpectedly came from Riley. He knew that when he opened them again, all he would see was devastation. The sound was quickly replaced by his friend clearing his throat, and when he spoke, Riley's voice was loaded with seriousness and intensity. It was the voice he used when speaking to a hostage, or a person trapped in their car. It wasn't a tone Jared wanted to hear.
"Jay, listen. They may not even be here, okay? I don't want you running in there and tearing the place up looking for 'em, okay? We go together and we go slow, so we don't end up getting hurt with the debris? You got it, buddy? Slow." Jared nodded even as he opened his eyes and took in the place where his house had once stood. Even though he'd understood Riley's words, there was nothing he could do to stop his body's instantaneous reaction and in the span of a heartbeat, he found himself jumping out of the car and sprinting to the head of the cul-de-sac.
It wasn't possible. How had his entire house disappeared and left nothing but a pile of 2x4's in its place? Jared scrambled around the crunched up hull of what had been Chad's car, his ears ringing as the panic set in full force. He couldn't hear Riley, couldn't hear the distant sirens, couldn't even hear the noise that punctuated every step he took closer to the remains of his home. When the cement ended in the two steps that used to lead up to their front door, Jared stopped and pulled out his phone, his lungs heaving each breath out as he dialled Chad's number again. His husband's voice came over the line in the same pre-recorded message, but Jared could barely hear it. Instead, the one sound that cut through everything else, was his husband's ring tone. It was muffled, but it was close, and unmistakeably his. Jared couldn't count how many times he'd asked Chad to change it from the blaring metal chorus to something a little quieter for the sake of both the kids and the general public. Now, however, he was merely glad that it was so loud, as it made tracing its source ten times easier.
"Jay, don't, it's not stable!" Riley called, his words going unheeded as Jared climbed over the debris to the spot where his bathroom used to be. The dome of wood and steel that covered his bathtub stuck out from the rest of the mess like a sore thumb and, with adrenaline coursing through every vein, Jared began mindlessly tossing it all aside, knowing full well that if his family had gotten caught in the house, they'd be in the bathtub. It was part of the emergency plan they'd all created when they first moved into the house, and Jared knew that despite his usually-goofy demeanor, Chad took the plan seriously.
"No," Jared breathed as he finally saw the phone, its plastic shell clutched tightly in a dry wall-coated hand. Chad's watch was still ticking; Jared hoped his husband's heart was still doing the same. Wood and steel went flying and Jared didn't even care if his hands got cut as he cleared as much of the rubble off his husband as he could. Chad's face finally came into view and Jared felt his throat close up against the sob that threatened to escape. His husband looked like he was asleep, eyelashes grazing his cheeks, dust making him look paler than he normally was. Jared's hand shot down to his neck, willing himself to feel even the faintest of pulses, the smallest sign of life. Chad was cold, and not even a solitary beat met Jared's fingers.
His stomach churned as he took in the rest of the scene, Jared realizing that Chad's right arm was still buried under a considerable amount of debris. He didn't hear the panicked noises he made as he tore away the rest of the wreckage, Jared praying that his worst nightmare hadn't become reality. Only a whimper left his lips as he took in his two children, both nestled in as close as possible to Chad, their little bodies perfectly intact and unmoving.
He was certain that they could hear him screaming from the main gate.
“Jay, come on, man, you've gotta get out of there,” Riley pleaded some time later, the source of Jared's panic having shifted from finding his family to finding any one of their many photo albums.
It was such a stupid thing, really, to go on a crazed hunt through the rubble for imprints of their years together, but the more he searched, the more desperate he became. Jared wasn't sure how long he'd been looking but in what seemed like hours, he'd only managed to scrounge up one picture of the four of them from a family barbeque they'd thrown last year. The kids were smaller, but they looked pretty much the same. Chad's hair was freshly-cut and he was clean-shaven just as Jared preferred. Jared's own hair was flying in all directions thanks to the wind, his smile still visible through the mess of long locks. They had been so happy that day, so carefree. As he stared at the picture, he had to wonder whether it was all some cruel dream meant to keep him from heartbreak for a prescribed amount of time.
The sound of cars filled in the once-quiet street and before he could resume his search, Riley was tugging him back towards his cruiser with all his might. It wasn't an easy feat by any means, but his friend was running on pure adrenaline and he was much stronger than his physique let on. That didn't mean Jared was going without a fight.
“LET ME GO! Let me go! I want to stay with them! You can't! You can't take me from them!” He wailed, thrashing and raging against his friend's firm grip.
“They're gone, Jared. They're gone,” Riley whispered, holding his friend as tight as he could, his own face contorted with immense grief.
Jared sat in the makeshift aid station, eyes blank and glazed as he watched Riley make the necessary phone calls. He hadn't spoken a word to anyone since being forced to leave the site and as the wind blew gently across the field just outside of the community, Jared tried to remember the last words he and Chad exchanged. His eyes closed and there was just a hint of a smile as he realized that all his worrying was for nothing. Jared had called his family the night before and everyone's parting words were 'I love you'. Chad knew he was loved; their children had passed from one world to the next in their father's embrace. It was a small comfort and one that Jared held onto as he watched the skies open up above them, rain beginning to cleanse the land, almost as though the earth was crying along with him.
Someone bent down and offered him some Gatorade but Jared shook his head; if he put anything in his stomach, he was certain it was going to come right back up. His eyes remained closed as he stood on shaking legs and wandered out from under the tent, wanting to feel the rain, wanting it to wash his tear-streaked face. The picture of Chad and the kids was tucked safely into his briefcase in the front of Riley's cruiser, so Jared held no qualms about letting the water soak through his clothing.
Images of Chad's face flashed clearly through his mind's eye and before he realized it, Jared was down on the ground, knees slamming against the asphalt as he sobbed into his hands. They were gone and he was left. They were dead and he was still very much alive. Why? Jared asked the question louder and louder as he prayed to be taken along with his family. How was he supposed to survive without them?
Again it was his friend's hands which enveloped his shoulders, tugging him gently out of the path of lightning and rain. Once they were back under the tent, Jared felt Riley hug him tightly, his friend rubbing his back in vigorous strokes, as though he were trying to resuscitate him.
“You're mama's comin' just as soon as she can,” Riley assured Jared as they stood there in the middle of the storm. Jared wasn't sure whether it was a good or a bad thing.
The next day or so passed in a haze. Jared was certain he didn't get any sleep, but he must have laid down at some point because he awoke in a hotel room bed surrounded on all sides by his family. His mother, his father, his little sister and his older brother--not to mention his grandparents and two aunts--all stared at him intently, as though they were psychically trying to get him to grow wings and fly. Jared squeezed his eyes shut tightly, counting to 30 before opening them again. Nope, still there.
"Hi," he croaked out softly after no one made a move to speak, his eyes gazing around to find everyone looking especially somber; it was touching, in an awkward sort of way. While his immediate family knew and loved Chad and the kids, his extended family had barely even seen his husband. Apparently in the Padalecki clan, death was cause for a family reunion.
"Oh, sweetheart. We came as soon as Riley called!" his mother squawked, fluttering to his side, her arms wrapping around him tightly. Jared hugged her back numbly, remembering full well what had happened, but seeing it through a very old, unfocused movie in his head. It couldn't have possibly happened to his family, could it?
He remained sitting as the rest of his formed a line and each gave him a hug, or a pat on the back, in turn. It was surreal and all Jared wanted to do was run somewhere that was devoid of the morbid silence that coated the room. One thing Jared hated was people pitying him and now, their big teary eyes and thin, flat mouths just made him want to scream. And all right, so maybe he was still irrationally angry at whoever's brilliant idea it was to play Wizard of Oz with his house, but more than anything, Jared just wanted to be left alone so he could grieve properly.
"We've already started the arrangements, and Chad's family gave us the full go-ahead. They won't make it in time for the service, but they send their regards, darling." Typical. Chad's family was always off on god-knows-what island, drinking too much and getting skin cancer. Jared wasn't surprised that they weren't going to be at their own son's funeral. Hell would freeze over before they thought of their own flesh and blood and not Mojitos on the beach.
"I got your suit pressed for ya, that nice black one you had made for that big meeting last year," his mother murmured, her hand smoothing back his hair as though he had a fever. Jared muttered a thank you and then stood, heading for the door. Nobody dared get in his path as he turned the door knob and walked out into the balmy night air. It was as if some shitty hair band from the eighties had holed up in his head, turning it to eleven and making it hard to even see exactly what was in front of him.
Jared walked across the parking lot, kicking little bits of asphalt that had churned up from the ground as he went. It was quiet outside, wherever he was; quieter than the hotel room had been. Jared looked up at the sky, studied the stars, quietly wondering if his family, the people he loved more than anything, were up there. He'd never been overly religious, even being brought up in a Baptist household, but now, as things unfolded, Jared had to wonder what was on the other side. Was Chad's soul out there somewhere, enjoying the good life without any pain, any sadness, regret, anger? Were their children frolicking around some field with their favorite toys, destined never to grow up and experience the hardships of adulthood? Were they together? His face was wet, and while at first he thought it was a fresh batch of tears, Jared soon realized that it was just rain, cooling off the ground and watering the foliage. His very bones ached when he remembered just how much Chad loved the soft, lazy rain on warm summer nights. They would put the kids to bed and hop out into the backyard for a little waltz around the grass, speaking quietly about the things they couldn't say in front of the kids, working out plans for the next week, and exchanging more kisses than any other time of day. Chad could barely be coerced into dancing at their own wedding, but out in the yard, with only Jared around, he was a masterful slow dancer, never once stepping on his husband's bare feet as they swayed out under the stars, content just to be in one another's arms.
The ground was cool and wet when he sat down, Jared not caring if his clothes got soaked; at least he could feel it. Arms resting on his knees, he let his head fall forward, eyes closed as he tried to find the silver lining. His mother had taught him that it was always darkest before the dawn, but as it stood, he thought the statement was pretty null and void. His family was his light and without them, Jared felt surrounded by inky black, hanging thick and grotesque from every last limb.
"We are gathered here today to celebrate the lives of three--" Jared tuned out the priest, unable to bear another second of the pity, the anguish, the formality of it all. No one was even crying! His husband and two children were laying in coffins and everyone was so caught up in being proper that even those that knew them best weren't showing their feelings. Jared pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes, hoping it would quell the storm that was welling up inside him. How could they just stand there, looking so penitent? His eyes flooded with tears as the priest finished his speech, Jared curling over, the sobs soft and unnoticed by many who were there. It was all just an act; no one really gave two shits about his family, about the catastrophic hole their passing had left in his heart. They were there just for appearances and it made him rage.
Without caring what they thought, Jared stood and took the single step to the largest coffin of the three. His chest rattled like someone had dropped an alarm clock in it. The outside of the box was smooth and warm, the onyx fiberglass heated gently by the sun as he placed his cheek against it. Jared wondered if the heat was filtering through to Chad, warming him up one last time before letting him freeze six feet under.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there," he whispered, needing his husband to know that if he'd had a say in the matter, he would've been right there with him, holding onto the kids and praying with all his might. Instead, he was still alive, left behind by the people that mattered most. It simply wasn't fair.
Jared didn't know who pulled him away, whose hands closed gently around his biceps, tugging him from the boxes, away from the family he'd worked so hard to grow and protect. He cried out at the mechanical cranks slowly dropping the coffins into the ground, the two smaller ones, too tiny to even seem real, going in next to Chad's. This was the end of everything he'd ever known for the last seven years and Jared didn't want to witness it. It was only when he sat down that he realized he still had the flowers in his hand. Three roses, meant to have been thrown onto the caskets. Rising again, amidst protests from his parents, Jared ambled to the gaping maws all open neatly in a row and threw a single rose into each one, an offering to whoever was now taking care of his family.
The world blurred again as the service ended and everyone headed back to Riley's house for the reception. Jared closed his eyes along the way, pressing his forehead to the warm tinted glass of his father's Expedition, just wanting it all to be over. He wasn't sure he'd be able to handle so many people wanting to offer their condolences. His body pulled him into sleep again, the fifteen minute ride providing a small nap to his battered state.
“So what will you do now, honey?”
“Are you gonna rebuild, son, or are ya gonna move to down to Fort Worth?”
“Did Chad leave behind a voice mail, a message, anything?”
“They say the site's gonna be uninhabitable for a few months. Where ya gonna stay 'till then?”
“Did he have a will?”
It was like a damn press conference. Everyone wanted something out of Jared and they all wanted answers now. He sat there, eyes staring blankly at a photo of Riley's great-grandfather, a famous bull rider who'd lost everything in a bad hand at poker. He'd blown his brains out not long after with a Smith and Wesson. Like Jared, he couldn't handle the pressure and had taken the easy way out. Jared wasn't taking that route however; he was certain that when he got up there, that Chad would beat his ass for doing it. The thought made him snort, and without saying a word to anyone, he swiped the keys of his own car off Riley's key dish and headed out the door.
The purr of the engine was comforting and for the first time since everything happened, he felt the muscles in his face relax, the tension in his shoulders ease some; it felt good. He kept his speed slow as he ambled through town, looking at all the other spots that had been damaged by the tornado and wondering if anyone else had lost their family. He had no plans for a specific destination, but Jared wasn't surprised when he ended up back at their old place after a cruise through town. The gate wasn't cordoned off and the streets were devoid of any wind-swept cars, allowing him to go back to his street without any issue. Jared bit his lip as he took in the sight a second time. Some of the debris had been cleared off the front lawn and the grass was actually visible again; it made him feel a little better; at least someone was taking care of things. He rolled the car to a stop along the curb and after loosening his tie and taking off his jacket, finally got out of the car and headed to the remnants of his former life.
Jared hated that he still couldn't find another photo of them all together. They'd taken so many, and yet they'd all scattered in the wind as though they mattered to no one. The hurt came back full force as he slowly climbed over the rubble, picking up pieces of the past with every few steps; Chad's NC baseball cap, Breanna's favorite tiara, Jason's stuffed bear. All of it was damaged somehow, but still so cherished that Jared couldn't bear to leave them on the ground. The mass of drywall that had once shielded his family was still there, but amassed in a different spot, as though the rescue workers had thrown it over their shoulders as they uncovered Chad and the kids. Jared slowly dismantled the makeshift molehill, wondering if there was anything of value underneath; anything from his and Chad's wedding, or better yet, any other pictures. He almost laughed out loud when he found a picture of Chad, his face creamed with a full slice of cake, some of it dripping down onto his shirt; it was their first wedding anniversary and Jared had finally exacted payback for Chad's own cake attack that had taken place at their wedding. There had never been a room full of people that had laughed harder at Chad's surprise and Jared's victory dance; it had been wonderful.
Picking up the photo caused a small piece of drywall to slide off the molehill and for a second, Jared wondered what part of someone else's house was doing in his; the black, leather-like material seemed out of place until his eyes refocused and he realized that it was a journal. His hand moved away as though he'd been burned and for a moment, Jared debated even picking it up. It looked very much like one Chad had owned and he wasn't sure he wanted to flip through the pages, walk back through the memories and tear the already-deep wound further. It wasn't as if he were scared of reading about infidelity, lying, or anything of that nature; he just didn't want to relive the good times yet.
“Don't be an idiot, Jay. If it's his, you'll kick yourself for not keeping it later,” Jared chided himself softly, shaking his head at the mere notion of not ever picking it up. He tucked the photo into his breast pocket and slipped the journal under his arm, figuring he'd better head back to the gathering before someone called out the search dogs. Everything that was salvaged went into the back seat of his car, the windows rolled up to keep anything from flying away a second time.
His mother began giving him an earful when he stepped back into the house, yammering on about how worried everyone was and how he had to be out of his mind to be just running off like that. Everyone stared in shock as he completely ignored her and headed up the stairs to the guest bedroom, intent on finding out what was in the journal. Closing the door behind himself, Jared sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the cover. It was battered by the tornado, but more so by general use. The edges had curled where it had gotten wet, but Jared couldn't be sure the same had happened to the middle of the pages as there was a tight elastic sewn into the back cover that kept the book firmly closed. He took in the back cover first, finding nothing but a few splotches of red paint and a stamped logo on the very bottom.
“Mole skin?” he questioned softly to the empty room, Jared reading it over a few more times before realizing the word was Italian and had nothing to do with the animal at all. Grinning, he flipped it back to the front and took in the hand-styled cover. FUTURE was etched into the black fabric, a thin arrow underlining it, pointing to the right. The read splatters continued from the back cover and Jared wondered if they'd been done on purpose or by accident. Chad was always doing crafts with the kids, so it was possible it had happened then. Taking a deep breath, he slowly slipped the elastic off the end and opened to the first page. The binding cracked as though it were a bone snapping and for a second Jared was afraid he'd ruined the book, but upon further inspection nothing seemed out of place.
The hand-drawn picture was incredible. All thick black lines, geometric shapes, and funny characters blending into one fluid composition, it covered the entire inside cover and Jared honestly couldn't tell whether the journal had been purchased that way, or altered to look even better. As his eyes moved over to the right side of the image, he caught sight of some lightly-printed font.
In case of loss, please return to:
Jensen Ackles
234 E 4th St.
New York, NY 10009
As a reward: $ A cup of coffee.
Jared breathed out heavily as relief filled him. It wasn't Chad's. He took in the image again, this time with a keener eye; there was so much life and warmth in the simple lines that it almost made him forget where he was, and why he was there in the first place. The page was flipped almost reluctantly, Jared gazing at the illustration until it was completely covered by the next page, which interestingly enough, was all text.
Tell me where you're goin',
What is goin' wrong,
I felt you leavin',
Before you'd even gone.
Black Keys - The Lengths
They turned off Josh's life support today, which means I have no business being in Amarillo anymore. Once he's been cremated, he and I are gonna take a little trip up to New York and he's gonna rest in every spot we ever had a good time at along the way. I just hope I can make it through Day 1.
Jensen's handwriting was easy enough to read and before he realized what he was doing, Jared found himself flipping through all the pages, finding drawings, long, rambling paragraphs, collages, maps, hell, even mix CDs that made yearn to take the same trip that was so vividly brought to life in the journal. Jensen, it seemed, had driven from Amarillo to New York, stopping in Florida for a little while to enjoy the sun before heading back north just in time for summer to start giving way to fall.
Over the next few nights, Jared found himself engrossed in the journal, drinking in every little detail and marveling at how vibrant a notebook belonging to a man who had just lost his brother could be. The sketches of people and places he'd never seen were gorgeous to him; so detailed, yet magical in a cartoon fashion. Along with the collages, they covered every last inch of bare space on the page, sometimes not leaving enough room even for text. The words themselves weaved and curled around the artwork, diving under some illustrations, and springing impishly from others. He didn't dare listen to the mix CDs though, because the more he read, the more the urge to take the same trip grew; listening to the music sitting in a room just didn't seem right. The CDs needed rolled down windows, open roads, and complete carelessness; Jared needed the same.
It became a secret obsession before long. As he had little else to do, Jared had taken to reading the journal and looking up particulars on Goggle, making sure that none of his family happened to be in the room at the same time. They were already bombarding him with enough questions as it was. The ones he heard most often pertained to housing and work, neither subject being one that Jared wanted to focus on. Tyson had taken a pretty heavy loss due to the tornado; the main plant was severely damaged and a number of the nesting areas were gone completely. If Jared had a job to go back to, he sure as hell wasn't ready to start yet. His house was clearly gone, so it was apartment-ville until the insurance company made up its mind about what to do. Jared really wasn't sure why they were even bothering. Everyone knew that he was irreparable, broken in a million little pieces that even the most patient person wouldn't want to put back together. It showed in the new anger he displayed at every day occurrences, the lack of concern for simple things like shaving, wearing clean clothes, and waking up at a decent hour. Most notably, it was present in the near-silence which had descended over him. No one could get him to speak unless it was absolutely necessary.
Day six rolled around and Jared knew what he had to do. He couldn't stand one more morbidly-silent dinner with his family. Couldn't bear the sad looks on their faces, the unspoken hope that he would just 'snap out of it soon' written in theirs eyes. More than anything however, he couldn't silence the nagging little voice that had grown louder and more familiar over the last few days; it was Chad's voice, and while he knew it was insane to think one's dead husband was speaking telepathically to them, Jared couldn't keep from hearing the words in his tone, with the same sarcasm and wit, the same gravelly warmth, the same ever-present chuckle filtering through each letter. It was almost as if Chad was ordering him to take the journey, egging him on, baiting him by hitting every last button. Chad had always been good at that; it was motivation through competition and it always worked on Jared.
He made sure to keep silent as he packed a rucksack with everything he would need for the trip. The keepsakes were already safely stashed in the car, so he grabbed the necessities plus some clean clothes (borrowed, not stolen) from his brother, and without a word to anyone, headed right out the front door. He would go on this trip, and he would find something worthwhile at the end. He would track his own journey in a notebook, and hopefully, when he wound up in New York, would be able to find the man whose life landed on his house.
chapter two