Confessions of Twenty Year Old Pt. Two
Here we go. This is the second part of Confessions and this is where you’re going to learn a little about me and why I feel the way I do and why I am the way I am. The things I choose to do and the things I choose not to do.
Lets start with…
Relationships:
Ok…many if not all of you know that I can be a very difficult person to get along with sometimes. I wish that some of you could have known me four years ago when I was a sweet, innocent child and not the bitter and razor-tongued adult I am now. Relationships were something that I never had. Sure I would find times where I wanted a boyfriend or I would get lonely but honestly it never bothered me all that much. Not until Zane that was and I wanted him so badly. I couldn’t have him and life moved on. The only real relationship that I ever had was my seven month relationship with Julia. I fucked that up entirely when I cheated on her with our best friend. The funny thing is…she didn’t care and she didn’t want to break up with me. I broke up with her because I felt entirely too guilty and I knew that I was going to do it again.
The thing between Brian and I was fucked up. I think we were both lonely and so we attached to each other for almost two months. Now, looking back I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I convinced myself that I wanted to be with him and you know what. I really didn’t. I wasn’t even attracted to him, at all. So coming to the conclusion that we had both used each other we stopped. Things haven’t been the same since but it hasn’t been bad either.
Julia and I really have come far and we’ve worked things out. I love her dearly but I know that we’re going to be friends for a long time. It can’t be anything more then that. I will always be there for her though. Always.
Mikey was another header for me. I adored that kid but I was nothing more then one of his “buddies”. At first that bothered me and I really really wanted to try and date him. It didn’t happen and looking back on that now too I’m glad. We’re such great friends and he has found so much happiness in Malinda that I’m bursting at the seams with happiness for both of them, as I love them dearly.
I do believe however that my mother had some kind of influence on why I don’t try to get out and meet people. I watched her go through four different men and that’s the last thing that I want. So yes, I will use the cliché of “I don’t want to end up like my mother.” So I’ve said it. Not to mention the whole fucked up situation with Jim really turned me off of things.
Why do I choose to stay a virgin? Well…as arrogant as this may sound…I have not yet met anyone that’s worthy enough to take something from me that I can never have back. Why would I go out and give myself to someone that doesn’t care about me and that I don’t care about. I don’t think so.
Roleplaying:
I know that a lot of people might not understand why I love to do such a things. Well really, when I break it down for you, you’ll find it much easier to understand. The following reasons should make it clearer.
For one, I am a creative person that is constantly thinking. My mind is never at rest and it is always cluttered with thoughts and new ideas. By role playing, I am able to express these thoughts and this creativeness. I’m good at it as well. So its something that I enjoy doing.
My muses are my babies. They are beings that I have created/recreated in my mind and they are always with me and I am always listening to them. Yes, they do affect my mood as well because they are part of me. When they are sad then I am as well. When they’re happy, so am I. More often then not I find that my mood is reflected on their moods. That’s just the way it is.
On the other hand, I find role playing to be almost therapeutic. Despite the fact that I’ve been relatively happy with little to worry about, I still have problems. Sometimes my past bites me in the ass and I get down. If I am role playing then I can focus on my muses problems instead of my own for a little while.
If after this you still don’t understand…well then…you don’t. Oh well.
Drugs:
I choose not to use drugs. Now I’m sure that I could easily get involved in such things. For the simple fact that yes I do know quite a few people that use them and would be more then willing to hook me up. However, I choose not to use them because again, I can look back at what my mother did and honestly say that that’s not how I want my life to be. I don’t want to lie and cheat. Steal or prostitute for an addiction. I don’t want to lose everything that I worked so hard for. Not for something that will just cause me more problems.
For almost two years I lived with the fact that my mother was and addict. I watched her destroy her life and mine. Not to mention she wrecked my little brother. I tried so hard to take care of my family with $300 every two weeks from my paychecks. I don’t know how much money was stolen from me and from Brian to support my mother’s and Jim’s drug habits. It was horrible.
So I choose not to use them.
Family:
Plain and simple, I don’t like my mother’s side of the family. They are nothing buy two-face sons of a bitches that think of themselves only. Even when I was homeless for two weeks and I was sleeping where anyone would let me they never once offered me to stay there. Not even for a couple of days until I found a place to live. Thank the Gods for Julia’s family or I don’t know what I would have done.
After they kicked my sixteen year old brother from their house, when he doesn’t even live in this state then I knew I was done with them. I have not spoken or heard from them in weeks now and I have no plans on speaking to them anytime soon if ever. I have no need for them.
I love my father. He’s a good man and he’s done a lot for us. Though I wish that sometimes he would still consider me once in awhile. I think he tends to forget that despite the fact that I live here and he lives in Michigan that I’m still his daughter and once in awhile I need help.
Now I’m going to talk about my mother. For the simple fact that for eighteen years I looked up to her. Admired her. She was honest and loving. My brother and I always came first and she raised us practically on her own when she and my dad split. I can’t begin to tell you the pain and heartache I went through when I discovered that she was a drug addict.
At first I didn’t want to believe that this sort of thing could happen to my mother. She told me it was depression and that’s why she cried all the time, there was no money because it caused her to lose her job and why she lost so much weight. I didn’t want to believe that her and Jim’s late night excursions weren’t because they couldn’t sleep but because they were off at a crack dealers house and smoking it. I mean, denial always comes first right? Then anger and sadness. Well I was in denial for a long time. Everyone else told me the truth and I still didn’t believe them. Finally I worked up the courage to ask my mother and she lied to me. Straight faced she lied to me.
When the truth finally came out it was because she’d been arrested for grand theft. Now…she may have gotten away with it had she not rolled up on a drug bust. She spent a month in jail and the night I went to get her I called my grandparents and aunt. They made the decision to let her stay with them. Things went ok for awhile. She got a job and seemed to be doing ok. Then it started again. She was sneaking out, not coming home and meeting up with Jim again. At that point I hadn’t seen Jim in weeks and when my mother asked Julia and I to take her to the gas station to meet up with him, I couldn’t bring myself to say no. I wanted to believe that things were ok again. Jim and I came face to face and the first thing he asked me was if I was going to swing at him. Oh how I wanted too. After all, I do believe that if it was not for his influence then my mother never would have gotten into crack.
For two months after my mom got kicked out of my grandparents house, she and Jim had been living in his car. They both worked and on occasion I saw my mom. She still continued to ask me for money and like a moron I gave it to her. I just couldn’t tell her no. She was my mom after all.
She got arrested again and honestly that came as no shock to me. This time it was for worthless checks. Go figure. I called my aunt and a lot of things came into light. I learned that my mother was not only smoking crack but using meth as well. What really made me feel sick to my stomach was the fact that she had been prostituting herself for the drugs. That was like a punch in the gut and I wanted to throw up. I cried, carried on, decided that whatever gods existed hated me. This was not the woman that was my mother. My mom would never do those things. Finally she went into a rehab place. I wrote a long letter, begging her to please turn her life around and come back to my brother and I. I posted it here in this journal as well.
From what I understand, my mother is doing fine. She’s working and she’s found her faith. Its not my faith but if its keeping her away from drugs then that’s fine by me. Even Jim is recovering and he too, has found faith.
Religion:
This may offend a lot of people so if you are religious or a god fearing person then I suggest you skip this section entirely.
I was raised Catholic and for years I tried to follow the regime that was set to be a good Catholic. My family was quite adamant that religion was important. As a child I attended CCD classes, made my first communion and I was well on my way to making my confirmation but after my mom and dad split we were able to drop the classes. I wasn’t heartbroken. When I turned fourteen I decided to attend a Baptist youth group with a friend of mine. Now, honestly I only really went for the social part. I remember going through the sermons and not really being able to believe anything. None of it really made sense in my mind. I found it to be hypocritical, unifnished and just plain crap. Not to mention I believe that the use of Satan is a scare tactic to get people to believe. I mean after all, the Christians did tear down Wiccan and Pagan temples to rebuild churches over them.
Isn't it funny how scientists have traced back the DNA to the first woman that ever walked this earth. Guess where she came from. Africa. Think about that. Eve was a black woman. Now that could only lead one to believe that the first man that ever walked this earth was black as well. Not to mention that analytical people, namely archaeologists and historians believed that Mary was raped by a Roman soldier and henceforth, Jesus was born. Not to mention other things such as the fact that Mary and Joseph traveled to Bethlehem where Jesus was to be born. Now, Christmas is meant to be the birth of Jesus. Well guess what people. Jesus was born sometime between the months of May and July. Christmas on the other hand was much taken from the Pagan's celebration of the Winter Solstice. Also known as Yule. Decorating a Christmas tree was a Pagan custom used during Yule.
When I moved to Australia and met Zane he introduced me into the wonderful religion of Wicca. Now I found that particular religion to be very beautiful and it made much more sense to me. It was from then on that I learned about the various types of magick and witchcraft. All of which I find to be fascinating. To this day I do consider myself to be a Wiccan more than anything else. I don’t cast or use any other magick. The most important part of being a Wiccan is believing in the religion and the sacredness of the Lord and Lady.
To most people I will tell them I’m agnostic or polytheistic for the simple fact of saving myself from having to explain things. I really hate doing that unless they are interested in learning about Wicca.
Friends:
What more can I say about them other then the fact that I love them all dearly and hold them in high regard. Not only my friends here in Florida but the people I’ve met online and love dearly just because they’re my friends without questions. If it weren’t for these very special people then I probably wouldn’t be alive today.
They were able to do so much for me. They were here for me, picked my up when I was down, saved me from my own self-harm and made me realize that I was worth something. Even if certain ones pick on me and tell me that I’m not crazy anymore. They know who they are.
Julia and Tracey: I love you guys so so much and you are always here for me and have helped me so much. I can’t imagine not having you here with me. You’re my closest friends and I will always love you guys to death. You’re my girls. <3
Brian: We’ve had some rough times and we still get one each other’s nerves. Slowly but surely we are getting better. Tough. We’re tough.
Mikey and Skate: *laughs* I love you guys. You’re the comic relief and even when you’re picking on me I don’t mind it so much. I know you guys care about me and I’m really glad to be friends with you. Mikey, I adore you to pieces. Skate, I heart you to pieces.
Manda-Chan: You’re my partner in crime girl! We’ve had some really good times together so far and I can’t wait for more ghost hunts and more sitting in Wal-Mart’s parking lot and bullshitting until four am. Love ya my little redneck friend~! <3
Moni: You’re so wonderful and I love talking to you. Even if we don’t rp I just love talking to you. You can keep me amused for hours and I can’t wait to spend more time with you at AFO. Raburabu. <3
Shan: What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. The most important thing is to believe in yourself.
Andi: You’re my baby and I love you lots. I find myself wanting to come and whisk you away and keep you safe. Sometimes I think you’re far too much like your Kim muse. *laughs* But I love you both a lot.
And that’s all folks. This was a little memoir of Trish and I hope that you enjoyed reading it and learning a little something about me.
I’ve learned a lot of things from a lot of people. Some things have stuck and other’s haven’t. I’ve learned that I am a strong person and life can throw nothing at me that I can’t handle. The world can’t break me down for the simple fact that I won’t let it. I am strong. I am worthy. I do have a purpose in life. Even if I’m not sure what that purpose is, I know I’ll find out one day. For whatever reason I was born I will live to find out what it was. The scars I have physically and emotionally serve as reminders. Reminders that I’ve lived this far. I can do it again. And I will.
Lets start with…
Relationships:
Ok…many if not all of you know that I can be a very difficult person to get along with sometimes. I wish that some of you could have known me four years ago when I was a sweet, innocent child and not the bitter and razor-tongued adult I am now. Relationships were something that I never had. Sure I would find times where I wanted a boyfriend or I would get lonely but honestly it never bothered me all that much. Not until Zane that was and I wanted him so badly. I couldn’t have him and life moved on. The only real relationship that I ever had was my seven month relationship with Julia. I fucked that up entirely when I cheated on her with our best friend. The funny thing is…she didn’t care and she didn’t want to break up with me. I broke up with her because I felt entirely too guilty and I knew that I was going to do it again.
The thing between Brian and I was fucked up. I think we were both lonely and so we attached to each other for almost two months. Now, looking back I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I convinced myself that I wanted to be with him and you know what. I really didn’t. I wasn’t even attracted to him, at all. So coming to the conclusion that we had both used each other we stopped. Things haven’t been the same since but it hasn’t been bad either.
Julia and I really have come far and we’ve worked things out. I love her dearly but I know that we’re going to be friends for a long time. It can’t be anything more then that. I will always be there for her though. Always.
Mikey was another header for me. I adored that kid but I was nothing more then one of his “buddies”. At first that bothered me and I really really wanted to try and date him. It didn’t happen and looking back on that now too I’m glad. We’re such great friends and he has found so much happiness in Malinda that I’m bursting at the seams with happiness for both of them, as I love them dearly.
I do believe however that my mother had some kind of influence on why I don’t try to get out and meet people. I watched her go through four different men and that’s the last thing that I want. So yes, I will use the cliché of “I don’t want to end up like my mother.” So I’ve said it. Not to mention the whole fucked up situation with Jim really turned me off of things.
Why do I choose to stay a virgin? Well…as arrogant as this may sound…I have not yet met anyone that’s worthy enough to take something from me that I can never have back. Why would I go out and give myself to someone that doesn’t care about me and that I don’t care about. I don’t think so.
Roleplaying:
I know that a lot of people might not understand why I love to do such a things. Well really, when I break it down for you, you’ll find it much easier to understand. The following reasons should make it clearer.
For one, I am a creative person that is constantly thinking. My mind is never at rest and it is always cluttered with thoughts and new ideas. By role playing, I am able to express these thoughts and this creativeness. I’m good at it as well. So its something that I enjoy doing.
My muses are my babies. They are beings that I have created/recreated in my mind and they are always with me and I am always listening to them. Yes, they do affect my mood as well because they are part of me. When they are sad then I am as well. When they’re happy, so am I. More often then not I find that my mood is reflected on their moods. That’s just the way it is.
On the other hand, I find role playing to be almost therapeutic. Despite the fact that I’ve been relatively happy with little to worry about, I still have problems. Sometimes my past bites me in the ass and I get down. If I am role playing then I can focus on my muses problems instead of my own for a little while.
If after this you still don’t understand…well then…you don’t. Oh well.
Drugs:
I choose not to use drugs. Now I’m sure that I could easily get involved in such things. For the simple fact that yes I do know quite a few people that use them and would be more then willing to hook me up. However, I choose not to use them because again, I can look back at what my mother did and honestly say that that’s not how I want my life to be. I don’t want to lie and cheat. Steal or prostitute for an addiction. I don’t want to lose everything that I worked so hard for. Not for something that will just cause me more problems.
For almost two years I lived with the fact that my mother was and addict. I watched her destroy her life and mine. Not to mention she wrecked my little brother. I tried so hard to take care of my family with $300 every two weeks from my paychecks. I don’t know how much money was stolen from me and from Brian to support my mother’s and Jim’s drug habits. It was horrible.
So I choose not to use them.
Family:
Plain and simple, I don’t like my mother’s side of the family. They are nothing buy two-face sons of a bitches that think of themselves only. Even when I was homeless for two weeks and I was sleeping where anyone would let me they never once offered me to stay there. Not even for a couple of days until I found a place to live. Thank the Gods for Julia’s family or I don’t know what I would have done.
After they kicked my sixteen year old brother from their house, when he doesn’t even live in this state then I knew I was done with them. I have not spoken or heard from them in weeks now and I have no plans on speaking to them anytime soon if ever. I have no need for them.
I love my father. He’s a good man and he’s done a lot for us. Though I wish that sometimes he would still consider me once in awhile. I think he tends to forget that despite the fact that I live here and he lives in Michigan that I’m still his daughter and once in awhile I need help.
Now I’m going to talk about my mother. For the simple fact that for eighteen years I looked up to her. Admired her. She was honest and loving. My brother and I always came first and she raised us practically on her own when she and my dad split. I can’t begin to tell you the pain and heartache I went through when I discovered that she was a drug addict.
At first I didn’t want to believe that this sort of thing could happen to my mother. She told me it was depression and that’s why she cried all the time, there was no money because it caused her to lose her job and why she lost so much weight. I didn’t want to believe that her and Jim’s late night excursions weren’t because they couldn’t sleep but because they were off at a crack dealers house and smoking it. I mean, denial always comes first right? Then anger and sadness. Well I was in denial for a long time. Everyone else told me the truth and I still didn’t believe them. Finally I worked up the courage to ask my mother and she lied to me. Straight faced she lied to me.
When the truth finally came out it was because she’d been arrested for grand theft. Now…she may have gotten away with it had she not rolled up on a drug bust. She spent a month in jail and the night I went to get her I called my grandparents and aunt. They made the decision to let her stay with them. Things went ok for awhile. She got a job and seemed to be doing ok. Then it started again. She was sneaking out, not coming home and meeting up with Jim again. At that point I hadn’t seen Jim in weeks and when my mother asked Julia and I to take her to the gas station to meet up with him, I couldn’t bring myself to say no. I wanted to believe that things were ok again. Jim and I came face to face and the first thing he asked me was if I was going to swing at him. Oh how I wanted too. After all, I do believe that if it was not for his influence then my mother never would have gotten into crack.
For two months after my mom got kicked out of my grandparents house, she and Jim had been living in his car. They both worked and on occasion I saw my mom. She still continued to ask me for money and like a moron I gave it to her. I just couldn’t tell her no. She was my mom after all.
She got arrested again and honestly that came as no shock to me. This time it was for worthless checks. Go figure. I called my aunt and a lot of things came into light. I learned that my mother was not only smoking crack but using meth as well. What really made me feel sick to my stomach was the fact that she had been prostituting herself for the drugs. That was like a punch in the gut and I wanted to throw up. I cried, carried on, decided that whatever gods existed hated me. This was not the woman that was my mother. My mom would never do those things. Finally she went into a rehab place. I wrote a long letter, begging her to please turn her life around and come back to my brother and I. I posted it here in this journal as well.
From what I understand, my mother is doing fine. She’s working and she’s found her faith. Its not my faith but if its keeping her away from drugs then that’s fine by me. Even Jim is recovering and he too, has found faith.
Religion:
This may offend a lot of people so if you are religious or a god fearing person then I suggest you skip this section entirely.
I was raised Catholic and for years I tried to follow the regime that was set to be a good Catholic. My family was quite adamant that religion was important. As a child I attended CCD classes, made my first communion and I was well on my way to making my confirmation but after my mom and dad split we were able to drop the classes. I wasn’t heartbroken. When I turned fourteen I decided to attend a Baptist youth group with a friend of mine. Now, honestly I only really went for the social part. I remember going through the sermons and not really being able to believe anything. None of it really made sense in my mind. I found it to be hypocritical, unifnished and just plain crap. Not to mention I believe that the use of Satan is a scare tactic to get people to believe. I mean after all, the Christians did tear down Wiccan and Pagan temples to rebuild churches over them.
Isn't it funny how scientists have traced back the DNA to the first woman that ever walked this earth. Guess where she came from. Africa. Think about that. Eve was a black woman. Now that could only lead one to believe that the first man that ever walked this earth was black as well. Not to mention that analytical people, namely archaeologists and historians believed that Mary was raped by a Roman soldier and henceforth, Jesus was born. Not to mention other things such as the fact that Mary and Joseph traveled to Bethlehem where Jesus was to be born. Now, Christmas is meant to be the birth of Jesus. Well guess what people. Jesus was born sometime between the months of May and July. Christmas on the other hand was much taken from the Pagan's celebration of the Winter Solstice. Also known as Yule. Decorating a Christmas tree was a Pagan custom used during Yule.
When I moved to Australia and met Zane he introduced me into the wonderful religion of Wicca. Now I found that particular religion to be very beautiful and it made much more sense to me. It was from then on that I learned about the various types of magick and witchcraft. All of which I find to be fascinating. To this day I do consider myself to be a Wiccan more than anything else. I don’t cast or use any other magick. The most important part of being a Wiccan is believing in the religion and the sacredness of the Lord and Lady.
To most people I will tell them I’m agnostic or polytheistic for the simple fact of saving myself from having to explain things. I really hate doing that unless they are interested in learning about Wicca.
Friends:
What more can I say about them other then the fact that I love them all dearly and hold them in high regard. Not only my friends here in Florida but the people I’ve met online and love dearly just because they’re my friends without questions. If it weren’t for these very special people then I probably wouldn’t be alive today.
They were able to do so much for me. They were here for me, picked my up when I was down, saved me from my own self-harm and made me realize that I was worth something. Even if certain ones pick on me and tell me that I’m not crazy anymore. They know who they are.
Julia and Tracey: I love you guys so so much and you are always here for me and have helped me so much. I can’t imagine not having you here with me. You’re my closest friends and I will always love you guys to death. You’re my girls. <3
Brian: We’ve had some rough times and we still get one each other’s nerves. Slowly but surely we are getting better. Tough. We’re tough.
Mikey and Skate: *laughs* I love you guys. You’re the comic relief and even when you’re picking on me I don’t mind it so much. I know you guys care about me and I’m really glad to be friends with you. Mikey, I adore you to pieces. Skate, I heart you to pieces.
Manda-Chan: You’re my partner in crime girl! We’ve had some really good times together so far and I can’t wait for more ghost hunts and more sitting in Wal-Mart’s parking lot and bullshitting until four am. Love ya my little redneck friend~! <3
Moni: You’re so wonderful and I love talking to you. Even if we don’t rp I just love talking to you. You can keep me amused for hours and I can’t wait to spend more time with you at AFO. Raburabu. <3
Shan: What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. The most important thing is to believe in yourself.
Andi: You’re my baby and I love you lots. I find myself wanting to come and whisk you away and keep you safe. Sometimes I think you’re far too much like your Kim muse. *laughs* But I love you both a lot.
And that’s all folks. This was a little memoir of Trish and I hope that you enjoyed reading it and learning a little something about me.
I’ve learned a lot of things from a lot of people. Some things have stuck and other’s haven’t. I’ve learned that I am a strong person and life can throw nothing at me that I can’t handle. The world can’t break me down for the simple fact that I won’t let it. I am strong. I am worthy. I do have a purpose in life. Even if I’m not sure what that purpose is, I know I’ll find out one day. For whatever reason I was born I will live to find out what it was. The scars I have physically and emotionally serve as reminders. Reminders that I’ve lived this far. I can do it again. And I will.