Secrets and Lies - Chapter 13
Ryo couldn’t be sure where the tremor had originated, maybe it was in his mind, or his heart or even his stomach, all he knew was that it was spreading from the epicentre causing his entire body to tingle with nervous anticipation. ‘His name is Ueda Tatsuya and I...I think that I might be in love with him...’ The words had tasted delicious as they’d left his mouth, after years of guilt, denial and secrecy they were out - laid bare to the only two people that mattered.
There were no reactions from Jin or Kazuya, both of whom were visibly too exhausted to produce any form of response. They just sat, slumped against one another, each somehow working to hold the other up, eyes fixed on him, waiting for him to finish. Yamapi on the other hand was leaning towards him in, what looked like, fearful desperation. He briefly considered reaching out to his oldest friend, perhaps a gesture would offer some form of reassurance, but he quickly opted not to; it just wasn’t his style, and such unusual behaviour would most likely only work to confuse Pi further.
Pushing his tongue up to the roof of his mouth he bit down on his lower lip as he breathed slowly through his nose. He’d acted as the master of ceremonies during this charade but now he’d been stripped of that role and was to be forced to perform with the others. He let out a shuddering breath; it was time for him to face his judgement.
‘Ueda is a friend of Jin’s,’ he said carefully, eyes fixed on Yamapi, ‘as you already know, I tried to help Jin when you were trying to force him to return to you...I provided him with an apartment under my name.’
Yamapi nodded, his eyes cast down in shame, and Ryo knew exactly what he was thinking.
‘When you found out what I’d been doing, you threatened the future of my company,’ a part of him knew that he was being cruel by forcing his friend to face even more of his past misgivings, however he knew that his words were necessary, ‘I was pretty certain that you were bluffing,’ he laughed miserably, ‘but I turned my back on Jin anyway.’ He glanced in the direction of the young couple before continuing, ‘when I provided Jin with the apartment he asked that his friend, Ueda, be allowed to live there too. At first I didn’t like the guy; he seemed too full of himself, caught up in his own self-importance, you’d never have believed what he did for a living by the way that he behaved. I guess that was what caught my attention...but you don’t want these details...’ he cleared his throat, embarrassed. ‘Anyway...Ueda became something of an obsession. I kept telling myself that I was still trying to help Jin, that I was trying to fix the problems that you guys have been having...but in truth my focus was entirely on Ueda.’
‘Does he love you?’ Yamapi asked quietly while he tried to digest the new information.
Ryo laughed bitterly. ‘The guy’s a professional,’ his chest felt tight as he forced out the truth that he didn’t want to face, ‘he’s not like Jin. He’s playing with my heart and I know it, but I can’t help myself. I tried to put a stop to it but I caved .When Jin needed me the most I abandoned him out of the fear that you might do something to hurt Ueda.’
He cleared his throat and glanced upwards and to the right, ‘I’m sorry, Jin’ he said awkwardly, ‘and I’m sorry for not being honest with you too, Pi.’ He sighed loudly, ‘I guess I was afraid about how you’d react.’
Yamapi simply nodded again and remained silent.
Ryo smiled before continuing; ‘Ueda is the reason that we’re here now...’ he admitted, ‘he tricked Jin into returning to Kazuya...told him that I had your key.’
Yamapi’s eyes widened in surprise and he glanced at Jin, who despite his weary expression looked equally confused. ‘He’s a clever guy,’ Ryo continued with a smile, his heart fluttering gently at the thought of his lover, ‘I guess he expected Jin to fill in the blanks for himself, right Jin?’
Jin stared at him blankly for a few seconds before speaking; ‘I didn’t know what to think,’ he said quietly, ‘I thought that I’d killed Pi...that you were after my blood but then...’ he paused, ‘when Ueda said that, I thought that maybe you had a different motive.’ He glanced at Kazuya who was watching him in puzzled silence, ‘people will do anything for money,’ he said sadly, ‘I’d already seen how it had corrupted Pi and his father...’ he turned back to Ryo, ‘I figured that it was happening to you too.’ He laughed quietly, ‘Ryo’s a stubborn bastard,’ he smiled at Kazuya, ‘if he wants something then he gets it, no matter what.’
Ryo wasn’t sure whether or not to feel offended, and so instead decided just to smile and nod in agreement. ‘Well you were right,’ he shrugged, ‘as soon as I found out that you were staying with Kazuya I sent my men to frighten him and confuse him...I realised that I could use him as bait...but then you left and Kazuya wouldn’t talk...’
Both Jin and Kazuya’s faces immediately dropped, and without really moving they both seemed to edge away from each other. Ryo frowned but chose not to question their behaviour. ‘I knew that the only way to get you here was to frighten you,’ he said to Jin matter-of-factly, ‘and Ueda knew that the best way to frighten you was to make you believe that Kazuya was in danger.’ The blush that appeared on the cheeks of both boys didn’t escape his notice, he grinned.
Yamapi cleared his throat, causing everyone to look at him, but Ryo noticed a timidity in his expression that hadn’t been there since they were children. Despite knowing that his friend was highly anxious and uncomfortable, Ryo couldn’t deny the enormous sense of relief that that tiny glimpse of Pi’s humanity gave him. ‘So you’re in love, and they...’ he paused, ‘they’re in love,’ he nodded towards Jin and Kazuya, and the effort that it took wasn’t lost on Ryo, ‘so...what next? And...what about the safe?’
Ryo glanced at the small box that bore the characters that made up his family name. He smiled and shrugged; ‘even in his madness your father still maintained an iota of sense. He wasn’t blind to the growing conflict between you both, in fact he detected it long before I did, and long before it developed into the battle that it became. He asked that my father and I overlook your decisions...basically he wanted to prevent something like this from happening.’
‘He knew that one of you might try to force the other to obey...’ Kazuya mumbled to Jin, who seemed utterly lost.
Ryo nodded and turned his attention toward Pi. ‘We were instructed to only allow you access to the keys if we were certain that you were both acting together...with the same goals in mind.’
Yamapi frowned, ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ he snapped, but Ryo could hear only hurt and confusion, and nothing of his deadly temper.
‘Why would I have done that?’ he grinned and began to rise to his feet, ‘you guys had far too much to sort out...still do.’ Leaning down he scooped up the safe and tucked it securely under his arm. ‘I’ve already been involved way more than I should have been!’ he lifted his hand to his bloody face and wiped his cheek carefully, before inspecting his fingers in disgust. ‘You two need to do some serious thinking...this is a mess...there’s no denying it. I don’t know how we’re going to fix it...but I’m here for you, should you need me. But for now, I think it’s time that we all got some rest...I’ll take one of the guest rooms.’ He stated, his eyes daring Pi to disagree with him, ‘Jin, your old room is just as you left it; I’m sure Pi won’t object to you taking Kazuya there.’
His old friend bit his lip and lowered his eyes but made no objection. Jin simply nodded heavily. Ryo flashed his famous smile. ‘Good,’ he said brightly and tightened his hold on the safe, ‘I’ll take this with me...if you come to some kind of arrangement then come and find me.’ He nodded, ‘good luck!’ and with that he turned on his heel and left.
~*~*~*~
The maze of corridors that he’d passed through earlier seemed to have blended into a sandy, haze and his feet were beginning to feel as though they were forcing their way through some heavy, invisible liquid.
Jin was a few steps ahead, leading him through the labyrinth that had once been his home. Kazuya swallowed and tried to concentrate on the familiar shape of Jin’s back. He’d heard stories, rumours, about the level of self-abuse that a person might be able to withstand, but he was unable to recall the details of any such tales; he was only certain that he was rapidly approaching his own, somewhat fragile, limit.
‘We’re almost there,’ Jin spoke then, quiet, or at least it seemed to Kazuya. He nodded his understanding and allowed his exhausted lids to flutter shut for a moment before wrenching them open again and continuing to stagger forward. ‘Kazuya?’ Jin’s voice seemed even more distant than before. Raising his head he tried to smile but the effort caused him to stumble. His hands smarted as they collided with the ground and tears that he hasn’t known he was holding back sprung forth. Jin was at his side in an instant, knelt down, arms around him, supporting him. Kazuya just shook his head and prayed that the action would somehow rid him of the shame and exhaustion consuming him. ‘You need to eat something!’ Jin’s voice was strained. Kazuya flinched; he had no right to add to Jin’s distress. He felt a hand brushing the hair from his face, ‘the room is just along this corridor,’ he continued, ‘come on,’ Jin wrapped his arm around his back and began to lift him, ‘I’ll get you to bed and then I’ll find you something.’
Kazuya took a deep breath, nodded and concentrated on regaining his balance. The room, when they reached it, was as sleek and stylish as the room containing the bar had been. What struck him first about his new surroundings was the smell: a synthetic combination of plastic and cardboard lingered in the air. It was the scent of a room freshly unpacked, and yet it was partially masked by a heavy stillness, the sort of which only an abandoned room could hold. The walls were deep cream with an intricate border of purple, gold, silver and black. These colours repeated themselves in the other furnishings from the elaborate drapes of black and gold that framed the enormous window to the rich purple bedding with gold and silver thread that lay over the kind-sized mattress. The headboard, shelves and desk were of rustic silver, and even in his exhausted state, Kazuya could sense the value of the items.
He turned to Jin, who looked unmistakably uncomfortable as he took in the sight of his room. The fingers of his right hand were threaded in his matted hair and Kazuya could see that he was puzzling over how to proceed. Kazuya swallowed as he realised their dilemma. ‘I...I’ll sleep on the floor.’ Jin volunteered but Kazuya could tell that he was far from enthusiastic about the idea.
“No,” the effort that speaking required was staggering, he was certain that he’d never been so exhausted, “its big enough…I won’t touch you…” He missed his companion’s blank expression as he broke away from him and took a few awkward steps towards the bed, “no need for food,” he mumbled, “too tired.” He sank onto the mattress, his eyes closing as he did so.
Jin moved forward and cautiously pulled Kazuya into a seated position. It had only taken a matter of moments for the boy to slip into his own private dream world. Jin held onto the sleeping figure with one hand and used the other to pull back the bed sheets. He couldn’t deny that Kazuya’s exhaustion made him feel relieved; he was in no hurry to partake in what he knew would be a very awkward conversation, once they were both rested and alone together. He bit his lip and brought his free hand toward Kazuya’s legs, lifting him gently so that he could slide the boy’s small frame under the covers. He could feel his heart pounding steadily within his chest; scared that he would disturb the others sleep. Carefully he withdrew his arm from under Kazuya’s legs, and released a sigh; the boy hadn’t stirred. When was the last time that Kazuya had slept? For a moment he considered leaning closer and kissing his forehead, but he decided against it. Instead he gently lowered the sleeping boy so that his head rested against the large, plush pillows. For their relationship to work they had to start again; kisses and touches would have to wait. He loved Kazuya but pretending that everything was fine between them was not an option. They’d clung to each other frightened and desperate but now the danger had subsided, Jin knew that they both had to come to terms with what had happened.
He straightened up, yawned and turned to walk in the direction of his en suite. He’d join Kazuya in bed soon, but first his aching body demanded a hot shower.
~*~*~*~
Jin wasn’t there. Kazuya hadn’t yet opened his eyes but he could tell, could sense that he was alone. Slowly he opened his lids and blinked away the sunshine. How long had he been asleep? He had no idea, not that it mattered after yesterday’s events. His role in this crazy affair was still unclear to him; all he knew for certain was that Jin hadn’t deemed it necessary to wake him before leaving. That stung, but it was what he deserved. I love you. Was it really just yesterday that Jin had uttered those very words? To Kazuya they felt like a distant dream. He yawned and sat up slowly. Today, he suspected, would bring answers of a different kind. He gazed down at the rich, purple bedding. Would he be returning to it that night, with Jin by his side? Or would the other send him back to his own house, to his own life?
It was then that the breakfast tray caught his eye. His jaw slackened as he drank in the sight; meat, fruit, rice, tea, juice and water. He began to crawl over the crumpled sheets to where the food was placed on the bedside table. He blinked; crumpled sheets. Jin must have slept alongside him! He smiled, suddenly feeling a lot better. Turning back to the tray, he examined it, trying to decide what to try first. It was then that he noticed the small card tucked away at the back. In his hurry to grab it he almost knocked over the glass of orange juice that lay behind what looked like a salmon rice ball. He steadied the glass just in time, and exhaled in relief before settling back and opening the card carefully.
Enjoy your breakfast. I’ll be back soon. Take it easy today, ok? Love Jin.
~*~*~*~
Jin was beginning to feel that the visit hadn’t been such a wise idea. It was the second time in twenty four hours that he’d found himself in Kazuya’s tattered home. He placed his hand gingerly against the wall that bore the painted warning; it had all been a trick. Biting his lip he lowered his gaze to the paint stains on the carpet. It was fucked up, that was for sure. Ryo had ordered Tegomass to go to such extremes, and it only partially made sense to him. They’d wanted him to stay with Kazuya, to argue with him, a test…but it hadn’t turned out that way. He tasted bile in the back of his throat, but swallowed it away. Taking a deep breath he turned his back on the room and moved toward the small staircase. The last time that he’d climbed it he’d been holding Kazuya, too worried and confused and afraid to think clearly. He reached the bedroom.
The bed sheets were thrown back, tangled and messy as though they hadn’t been touched in weeks. Yesterday he’d barely noticed, his entire focus had been trained on Kazuya but now Kazuya was safe and he was left staring at the place in which he’d been defiled. Splatterings of blood still stained the sheets; his blood. His initial reaction was to back away and to run but he fought the urge, grinding his teeth, he stepped closer instead.
Kazuya had believed himself betrayed. You can stop the act! I know the truth now…you lied to me…this is all that we ever had…Kazuya’s words from that night had been imprinted on his brain, and no matter what he did he couldn’t rid himself of them. This can’t hurt as much as you hurt me. You lied to me and you were going to frame me! How would they ever get passed this? He lowered himself carefully onto the marked bedding and stared at it, as though facing the scene would somehow clear up his confused feelings. He understood why Kazuya had attacked him. Tegoshi and Massuda were professionals, they specialised in confusing and manipulating people; they knew exactly how to twist a person to do their bidding. This he knew, but the fact that Kazuya had succumbed so easily still hurt.
His eyes fell on the small container that held Kazuya’s savings, reaching out he pulled it toward him. Kazuya had tried to give it to him and had tried to persuade him to use it to escape. The gesture wasn’t lost on Jin. The men that had accompanied Ryo had been terrorising Kazuya for years. Kazuya had been willing to face them to protect him. Kazuya hadn’t even considered helping them find him to save his own ass. Surely that was proof that he really was sorry! Jin stroked the edge of the box with his thumb and allowed himself the smallest of smiles. The object reminded him of their day at the park and the confessions that followed. No-one had ever made him feel safe and happy in the way that Kazuya had, no-one had ever caused him such feelings of euphoria. But at the same time, no-one had ever caused him such levels of hurt. Not even Pi. He swallowed. Forgiving Kazuya would be a huge risk. What if the boy got angry again? Would he become violent? He swallowed. Would he ever truly be able to feel secure with Kazuya again?
He sighed, closed the box and rose to his feet. He didn’t want to be unhappy anymore. It struck him that it was a strange thing to think; sadness, fear, loneliness…he’d always just accepted such feelings as unavoidable, normal, part of everyday life. But standing alone in Kazuya’s bedroom; the very room in which he’d felt his best and his worst, he realised that that was no longer the person that he wanted to be. He wasn’t yet twenty years old and already his life seemed to be steeped in the stains of past errors. He’d made mistakes, done things that he wasn’t proud of, but hadn’t everyone? Kazuya had done something terrible, hurt him in an unthinkable way, but if the boy was sorry, truly sorry, then who was he not to forgive him? He pushed his fingers through his hair. Yamapi too had seemed so broken the previous night. He knew the loneliness that his old friend must be feeling. If Yamapi changed then why shouldn’t they rekindle their friendship? Even Ryo had apologised. He set his jaw and moved toward the sliding wardrobe. It was time to start again, not to forget but to accept and to move on. He wouldn’t allow himself to be hurt anymore but he wouldn’t close himself off either. From then on he would be in control of himself, and if anyone ever tried to hurt him again then he would discard them, and move on. A large sports bag lay on the floor of the closet, just what he needed. He smiled and scooped it up before reaching up to pull down Kazuya’s clothes and stuff them inside. He would give Kazuya one chance, and would allow himself to trust the boy and to love him in the way that his heart already forced him to. It would take time, and he would need space, but Kazuya was worth it, and so was he.
~*~*~*~
His eyes felt as though they’d been injected with molten rock. He pushed his palms over them in an attempt to re-lift them but they immediately seemed to drop back into position. He hadn’t slept, hadn’t even been able to entertain the idea as his mind had replayed the day’s events and more. For the first time in years he suspected that he was seeing clearly and if he was honest with himself it terrified him.
“Come in.”
He’d barely been aware that he was knocking against the rich oak door. He swallowed and turned the handle slowly. Under normal circumstances he wouldn’t have been approaching the room so nervously, for it belonged to him and its inhabitant was but a guest. But the circumstances were far from the usual and the conversation that he was about to embark on was going to take a lot of courage.
“Pi!” Ryo crossed the room to the door in record time, his face a picture of concern. It was not an expression that Yamapi was accustomed to on his old friend.
“What’s with that face?” he said quietly, a subtle attempt at their old humour, “it doesn’t suit you.”
Ryo snorted. “My face? What about you? You look a mess.”
“Thanks.” Pi sighed and pushed passed him to drop unceremoniously into a deep crimson armchair. “Are you free to talk?”
Ryo didn’t move except to pull his cigarettes from his pocket and light up. “Sure.” He shrugged and exhaled before moving to a seat similar to Yamapi’s own.
“I want…” he faltered and felt his cheeks turning red. Could he really do this? Ryo was watching him, eyebrow raised, patience already running out. He swallowed and lowered his head. “I…how…” he sighed and threw his head back in frustration. This was Ryo, his best friend, it shouldn’t be so difficult to open up and ask for help. “Do you…do you think it’s possible for everything to be…good again?”
Ryo frowned and leaned back in his chair, hooking one leg over the other, he took another drag of his cigarette. “If you’re talking about Jin…”
“No,” Pi shook his head and leaned forward, his hands fisting together in anxiety. “I mean with all of us…can I put it right?” He cleared his throat. “What I mean is…can I get help?”
Ryo was shocked. Pi could see him trying to hide it but he knew his friend too well, knew his expressions and his body language. Had the scene been less embarrassing for him he might have laughed at Ryo’s sudden discomfort and loss of words.
“I don’t want to face them…Jin, Kazuya, even my men…I can’t face them Ryo.” He stared at the top of his hand and began to scratch it lightly; a distraction from Ryo’s thoughtful eyes. “They all know what I’ve done…they’re all afraid of me. That’s…not good.”
Ryo was nodding now and his face bore the slightest trace of a smile. “So you want to talk to someone? A Professional?”
“Do you think that’d help?” he looked up nervously, “do you think I can change?” He flinched as Ryo beamed at him, a part of him still expecting the man to mock him and send him away.
“I think you’ve already started to,” Ryo slapped the top of his thighs in excitement. Yamapi blinked in confusion. “I’ll find you help, Pi. I’ll find you the best!”
~*~*~*~
Kazuya had just wrapped himself in the large, fluffy bathrobe that he’d found hanging in Jin’s en-suite, when he heard the other return. Pausing, he glanced towards the hexagonal mirror that framed the right side of the bathroom; it was an interesting piece that had caught his eye immediately upon entering the small space. However, the reflection that he saw in it quickly caused him to start loathing the item; he still looked terrible and now he would have to face Jin.
“Kazuya?” he heard Jin’s familiar call; low but undeniably persistent. Taking a deep breath he ruffled his hair in a half-hearted attempt to improve his drawn appearance before giving up and stepping from the bathroom.
“Hi,” he spoke quietly as his gaze landed on his lover. He flinched as the term flitted across his mind; he no longer had the right to think of Jin in such a way.
“Hi,” Jin offered him a weak smile before immediately deciding that the situation was too awkward and turning slightly to avert his gaze. “I…er…brought you some of your clothes…” he held out the bag and swung it slightly, indicating that Kazuya should take them.
Surprised, Kazuya stepped closer and reached for the strap of his old sports bag. “You went back to the house?” He asked, deciding that small talk was the easiest and safest option for the time being.
“I thought you might like some of your own things,” Jin offered in explanation. His hand was in his hair, a trend that Kazuya had noticed; it meant that he felt uncomfortable. Kazuya couldn’t blame him, his own insides felt as though they were being forced into a blender.
“Thanks,” Kazuya said quietly, lowering the bag to floor, “I…I’ll return your robe to you then…I’m sorry for using it, I just…”
“That’s not a problem,” Jin spoke quickly interrupting him, “you can keep it, I’m sure I’ve got another.”
“No, it’s…you don’t…”
“It’s fine.” Jin didn’t sound angry but there was a definite note of finality in his voice.
Kazuya swallowed and lowered his eyes with a nod. But he soon realised that they were in danger of drifting into an uncomfortable silence, and terrified of that happening, he asked the first question that came to his mind. “So, that means you want me to stay?”
Jin looked surprised by his outburst. “What do you…” Then he seemed to shake himself as though snapping from a daze, “of course!” he stepped closer and reached out tentatively for Kazuya’s robed arm, “of course I want you to stay.”
Kazuya couldn’t decide whether he wanted to move closer or pull back as his heart hammered within his chest. He felt his head beginning to move, shaking in his confusion, he took a step but he couldn’t be sure in which direction. “But that’s…you can’t really mean that…you can’t still…” he felt his stomach beginning to convulse slightly, as the memories of his crime flooded his mind for what felt like the millionth time.
“Kazuya…” Jin was closer now, reaching out for him but Kazuya could still sense his uncertainty. He shrank away; he didn’t deserve such kindness, couldn’t bear it. Jin was hurt; he could tell by that familiar flash, the wounded glimmer that would appear in those eyes, but Kazuya couldn’t understand, couldn’t help it, didn’t know how to put it right.
“I raped you.” The cry hung between them, heavier than any words Kazuya had ever experienced before. A part of him had thought that voicing it, actually admitting what he’d done, would make him feel better but he’d been wrong. Jin seemed to freeze up, his outstretched arm quickly returning to his body. And Kazuya was left feeling alone, cornered and afraid. “I’m sorry.” The words sounded so futile, so meaningless. ‘Sorry’ was what you said when you knocked into someone, or turned up late for an appointment…how could he use such a loose term to express how he felt about this? He felt his eyes brimming with tears, and he hated himself for them; crying wouldn’t wash away his guilt. “I…” but he already knew that the words were beyond him. Tears crashed down his face and his shame forced him to turn away.
“I know.” Jin’s voice was barely more than a whisper but the words seemed to ring in Kazuya’s ears. He felt a slight weight on his arm, indicating that Jin had reached out again, but he couldn’t turn to meet him. “Kazuya?” he felt himself being turned bodily to face the larger boy, “look at me.” It was a command but one spoken to timidly that Kazuya obliged more through concern than fear. Jin’s face was dry but his eyes were weary yet cautious. He felt himself being steered in the direction of the bed.
“You don’t have to do this,” he said quietly as he complied with Jin’s silent wishes and perched carefully on the side of the mattress, “I understand if…”
“Stop it!” Jin’s voice was stern as he turned away, fingers returning to his hair once more. He paced slightly, moved toward the wardrobe and then seemed to think better of it and faced Kazuya again. “I’m sick of being told what to do. I’m not running anymore and I’m not pretending.”
Kazuya wanted to sink into himself, to become tiny and invisible, to run away from the confrontation that he had stupidly initiated. But Jin wouldn’t allow him any such sanctuary as he continued to speak, tired eyes boring into Kazuya’s own.
“It’s not ok Kazuya,” Jin said firmly, taking the smallest of steps and then stopping. Kazuya felt as though his mouth had been stuffed with cotton and his jaw wired round it. “I trusted you.” Jin faltered, and for a moment Kazuya feared that he might lose his composure but he did not. “I know they lied to you and made you think that I was some sort of threat but you still made that choice.” Kazuya couldn’t maintain eye contact any longer, and as he lowered his eyes Jin fell silent. Their breathing seemed to echo around the room for a moment before the sound of Jin moving closer overtook it. Kazuya didn’t mean to move but his body grew tense, and his shoulders rounded, as though he expected to be struck. “But what I said yesterday was true. I love you.” He felt Jin’s weight descend next to him and felt the warmth of a hand against his cheek. And raising his eyes he found himself meeting a pair that shone with the same uncertainty, hope, confusion and fear as his own. He’d seen that look from Jin so many times, had succumbed to the urge to pull him close and had marvelled at how the tiniest gesture had made them change, made them come alive.
“Forgive me.” He blurted the request with all the passion and desperation that he had. His own hand rising to grasp Jin’s against his face. “I’ll never hurt you again and I’ll never doubt you…and…and I know that it’s going to take time but I’ll prove myself to you! I’ll do whatever you ask.” He was quickly starting to lose his nerve as he realised that the ultimate rejection could come at any moment but he knew that he had to try. “Just give me a chance. I’ll show you how much I love you…I’ll do anything!”
Jin blinked and seemed to jerk away. Kazuya automatically tightened his grip in response. “You…you do?” And it was then that Kazuya noticed the faint blush on Jin’s face.
Kazuya felt his jaw slacken as his eyes darted over Jin’s chiselled features. Was the other serious? “Of course I do.” He whispered.
A smile, more beautiful than any Kazuya could ever remember seeing before, spread slowly across Jin’s face. “You never told me…” he said his voice shy, “I wasn’t sure…” Kazuya was too nervous to say anything further and found himself nodding dumbly instead. Jin seemed to be pondering, deep in thought, and then suddenly a flicker of something akin to wicked amusement flashed in his eye and Kazuya found himself being pulled into a kiss. It was quick, slightly messy, but the passion there couldn’t be denied. And then it was over but Jin remained close, his breath and hair tickling Kazuya’s face deliciously. “I forgive you.” He said, eyes on Kazuya’s once more, “but I’m going to need some space for awhile…if this is going to work then we need to start again…properly.”
“I can go!” Kazuya shocked himself by the sudden volume of his returned voice. “I’ll go back to the house. You can take as long as you need…”
“No,” Jin smiled as he pulled back. He reached out and placed his hand over Kazuya’s knee. “I’d like you to stay here,” he looked slightly embarrassed. “I just meant that I’d take a separate room.” His eyes were trained on the carpet and Kazuya could tell that he was troubled. “I…I’m not sure what’s going to happen with Pi and Ryo and the company. I’m kind of…scared.” He looked around the room and smiled sadly. “I grew up here but right now I feel like a guest too. I think I’d feel even more lonely if you left.”
Kazuya felt as though his chest might explode with joy. “Then I’ll stay!”
Jin smiled and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
~*~*~*~
The sun was fading and Ueda knew what that meant. Nine days had passed by, nine days of silence. He gulped down his nerves and stroked the invisible creases from his shirt. Tonight had to be the night. It should have been last night, or the night before that but he’d failed each time.
Reaching into his pocket he pulled out his phone. No messages. As expected. He sighed and shoved it back into place. He looked good tonight, he’d have no difficulty finding what he needed; the only problem being that it was no longer what he wanted. His own wounded eyes glared back at him from the mirror. What a fool he’d been.
He pulled his phone out again, opened the address book and scrolled to Ryo’s name. It shouldn’t be so difficult; it was just a phone call! But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He frowned and scrolled up to Jin’s name but again he faltered. How could he face his friend? He’d sold him out for the love of a man that didn’t give a shit about him. He’d given himself to Ryo, free of charge, had given him all that he had to offer. And now nine days and nothing.
Storming into the kitchen he pulled open the first cupboard that he reached. Bare. Of course it was. He’d already known that it would be but he found himself checking them all just in case. He looked down at his body and for the first time felt the threat of tears. He needed to take care of himself. His rent was due and he was starving. Nine days, no work, only solitude. Lowering himself onto his knees he rested his head against his arms. Ryo’s touch didn’t seem so far away, so long ago but it was growing more distant all the time. He’d opened himself up to something that was impossible, and now he had to return to a cheap imitation. He shuddered and let out the faintest of sobs. Tonight he’d belong to someone else and Ryo’s touch would fade further.
Then there was a knocking; gentle, unexpected. He raised his head and wiped his face, conscious that his eyeliner might have spilled. The knock came again, a little more insistent. Ueda sniffed and rose slowly to his feet. He wasn’t expecting a visitor and dared not hope that it could be the man that he longed for.
Again the knocking came and Ueda frowned. It was unusual for so many in such quick succession. “I’m coming!” his voice sounded faint, scratchy in his throat. He coughed in an attempt to clear it and darted towards the door.
Pulling it open he froze. And for a moment his entire body felt like it had gone into reverse. The man in the hood stared at him for a few seconds, eyes drinking him in completely, and Ueda felt as though he might have been naked and exposed entirely.
“What are you doing here?” he managed, realizing too late the rudeness in his tone.
The man smiled and pulled down his hood. “I’m here to see you,” he answered with a smile, “may I come in?”