Forsaken - Chapter 5
Kazuya wondered why he always ended up surrounded by chaos. The mother of the Okiya was yelling at the guards, who had pushed him roughly through the door and were now demanding that she bear responsibility for him. At first the sound had threatened to engulf him, rid him of his senses and offer him an escape route from the blistering agony within his chest. But now, the sound was fading, not because the other occupants of the room were quietening but rather because his mind was no longer able to register the volume.
His fears had been realised; Jin had used him and abandoned him. He lowered his head and tightened his hold on the blanket that had been thrown at him to conceal his nudity. It had hurt but he’d tried to bear it; had tried to make it good for Jin. At first it had been wonderful, more so than he’d ever dreamed, but then the fear of what would happen afterwards had returned and he’d started to panic. He couldn’t deny that Jin had brought him pleasure but the terror and shame that had engulfed him following his climax had far surpassed the fading physical joy. He’d always known that Jin would discard him eventually but he’d hoped that the Lord would at least spare him some shame.
“No-one wants a male geisha!” the sound of the mother’s shouts penetrated his thoughts and he flinched. “What am I supposed to do with him?” He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself.
I trusted you and I thought you liked me. He couldn’t rid himself of Jin’s final words or the heartache in his Lord’s voice as he’d pulled away from him. It didn’t make sense but at the same time it was so clear and for that he hated himself. Jin had thrown cruel words at him, had tried to frighten him but he’d never hurt him. Yes, the sex had been painful but that had not been intentional, and he had offered his Lord no indication of his discomfort. He tried to swallow but his mouth tasted like gravel.
Jin had been reaching out from his solitude, searching for something to hold onto. The pressures were great and people were lining up to judge; Jin had no-one to lean on or rely on; Kazuya himself had heard the members of his council whispering behind their Lord’s back. He should have understood the pain but he’d been too selfish, had believed himself to be too unique, had never imagined that Jin too could want to escape.
“Let me return to him.” He cried and struggled to stand up, stumbling towards the guards in his desperation.
He plea was met with momentary silence before one of the guards stepped forward, kicked him in the knee and threw him to the ground, ripping the blanket from his body. “My Lord has no use for a filthy whore!” He moved as though to strike him but another guard, Haruki, if Kazuya recalled correctly, intervened and told him not to waste time before returning the blanket to him.
Kazuya closed his eyes; he’d brought this upon himself by acting so coldly towards Jin after they’d made love. He bristled at the sentimental phrase, having never imagined that the intercourse that they would eventually share would hold such a heavy connotation. But perhaps for Jin that’s what it had been, and Kazuya had cheapened it; he deserved all that he got.
“Fine!” The woman stamped her foot, “he can stay as long as my Lord pays for him.” She sent Kazuya a disgusted look, “but the moment the money stops I’m sending him to a brothel. Tell that to Akanishi.”
~*~*~*~
Jin ground his teeth and forced his feet forwards; his brain felt as though it were constricting, solidifying and scraping against itself. Each passing thought seemed to grow weaker as feral emotion seared through. He staggered and felt his fist collide with something solid. He gasped and sank to his knees as his tears finally broke through and he allowed himself a furious sob. The suffocating feeling in his head was now being replicated within his chest, he clawed at it in a pathetic attempt to loosen the tightening and shuddered as he felt pain shoot up his apparently injured arm.
He felt certain then that he was dying; for no pain, neither emotional or physical, had ever drawn close to what he was experiencing inside. It was beyond endurance, beyond logic, nothing, nothing could hurt so intensely. He lowered his head and cried, willing the darkness in. It had always been there, lurking just a step out of sight, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the void from which he wouldn’t be able to return. He’d tried to shield himself, creating a temporary distance from the despair that whispered and lulled and promised to engulf. But the cracks in his self-constructed prison had gradually grown wider and the darkness had started to lick and caress his spirit. But then Kazuya had appeared; the absolute embodiment of beautiful imperfection. He’d offered the answers that Jin had been too afraid to seek. Strength and honesty and fire. Kazuya had slipped in through the shadows and shone, forcing the dangers back. Jin felt his head come into contact with the ground as his body shook with his tears. If Kazuya had just stayed away, if they’d never shared their unexpected encounter then perhaps Jin would have lasted longer, perhaps he would have been able to keep fighting, perhaps he would even have found a way to free himself from his demons alone. But it was too late; he’d unintentionally shared his burden and now it’s weight was crushing his solitary soul.
“Jin?” He could feel hands on him. He didn’t respond, for he doubted that he possessed the strength to form words. “Come inside before someone sees you.”
It was Pi. Of course it was, for that’s where he’d been heading before the pain had taken over. He allowed himself to be lifted and half carried into the smoky house; the one place that still offered some form of comfort and sanctuary.
“What happened?” It was impossible to decipher his friend’s emotion through the darkness, not that Jin cared to.
“It’s dark.” He sounded pathetic but Tomohisa was in no position to judge or condemn.
“It’s late.” This time the tone was unmistakably gentle, and he found himself leaning in to the warmth of his best friend. “Should I find a light?” Jin shook his head and he felt his whole body sway.
“Let me stay...” he whispered as he felt Tomohisa begin to lower him onto what must have been a futon. “No-one will know...” he whispered and placed his hands against his friends chest, “we can forget together...” He dug his nails lightly into Tomohisa’s exposed skin, as though the act might somehow dampen the pain in his heart.
“Go to sleep Jin.” Tomohisa whispered, “it’s ok...” Because that was Tomohisa’s way; gentle, understanding, no questions asked; that’s how he’d always been. Jin sniffed and leaned in, he felt Tomohisa stiffen in discomfort, for not since their youth had Jin sought out his embrace in such a way. But after the momentary falter Jin felt him relax and welcome him into his arms.
“You were right,” Jin whispered, leaning his head against his friend’s shoulder, “he was a no-body and I’m a fool.” He swallowed, “I’m not supposed to feel like this...” dread was slipping steadily into his heart, “I’m supposed to be...” But the thoughts and the words all posed their own threats and he felt himself shrinking away from his realisations once more. “Make it stop, Pi.” He pulled back suddenly and sought out his friend’s face in the darkness. “I can’t be like this...I’m a Lord, like you said...I need...I need to be strong.”
“Jin...” he could feel Tomohisa trying to draw away. Jin narrowed his eyes and seized his wrist, yanking it towards him, furious at the betrayal that he felt by his friend’s movement.
“You said it worked for you,” he could feel his mind speeding up in desperation as his heart thumped loudly within his chest.
“You know what it’s done to me.” Tomohisa sounded angry but Jin didn’t care; nothing could be worse than the emptiness that was expanding within.
“I can control it!” it was only then that he realised how violently he was shaking.
“You can’t,” Tomohisa counteracted, “no-one can.”
“I’m not just anyone!” Jin insisted.
“No!” Pi began to struggle against him, “whoever it is that’s made you like this...he’s not worth it, Jin! Nobodies worth it!”
“You don’t know!” Jin screamed then and lashed out, his fist colliding with his friend’s throat. Tomohisa cried out and sank sideway, coughing and grabbing at his neck, but Jin wouldn’t allow it. “You were my only friend and now you’re gone...I thought I could trust him...that he cared for me but he was lying too...there’s no-one, there’s only me. And I’m tired.” He pulled Tomohisa up and hit him again and then again.
“Jin...” Tomohisa gasped as Jin grabbed his hair and raised his fist for a fourth strike.
“Give it to me.” He snapped, “you owe me at least that.”
“I can’t!” And so Jin struck. Tomohisa tried to struggle, and at one point Jin thought that he might even retaliate, but the man’s self abuse was too great and he lacked the physical strength of his lord.
“I can do this all night, Pi.” Jin snapped, forcing his friend onto the ground by the throat; his fury gradually numbing his heartache. Tomohisa sobbed quietly as he squirmed under his hold. But Jin simply laughed and tightened his grip, the final glimmers of sorrow and remorse dissolving within his madness. “I’ve got nothing to lose.” He slapped his face repeatedly and leaned in, “I’ll kill you.” He spat.
Their eyes met through the darkness and for a moment the world around them froze and then Tomohisa closed his eyes and Jin knew that he’d won.
~*~*~*~
Jin’s caresses were slow, gentle, worshipping. Large, dewey eyes worshipping him as he stroked and caressed. Kazuya’s breath hitched as he felt the pressure starting to build and Jin smiled; shy but pleased with himself. Kazuya leaned forward then and tangled his fingers through the thick mop of hair on his Lord’s head, relishing in the quiet whimpering that the action caused. He smirked and pulled, forcing Jin’s head back and exposing his throat to his hungry lips, as his hand reached down to caress Jin’s cock. And then Jin was on his back; needy, open, waiting...and Kazuya was there pushing forward, relishing in the way that the body tensed and strong arms reached up for him...
Kazuya clenched his jaw as the waves hit and his body shook in silent pleasure. And then it was over and he was reaching for something to remove the evidence from his palm. Sitting up he pulled his knees up to his chest and closed his eyes. The fantasy’s differed but their subject remained constant.
Almost three months had passed since Jin had abandoned him but still the troubled young Lord constantly frequented Kazuya’s thoughts. It was the cruellest of ironies, he thought, that he should only have been allowed to realise the depth of his feelings towards his mysterious master after he’d been disowned. Was it simple lust? Sometimes he’d been able to convince himself that was so, but mostly logic told him otherwise. Jin had never been simply an object of sexual desire; in fact during their brief time together he hadn’t even been that. He’d been a friend of sorts; a frustration; an obsession; a fearsome figure. Kazuya sighed and lay down again. Sometimes he imagined fleeing from the Okiya and slipping back into Jin’s home and into his bed. Then Jin would turn to him and pull him into a safe embrace; no anger or sentimental words, just silent understanding. He swallowed and laughed quietly; he craved that unspoken gesture because if Jin could offer him that then he would no longer have to examine his own feelings; would not have to justify what he’d done or what he planned to do; he would simply be allowed to bask in glorious, peaceful acceptance.
He sighed and turned onto his side, eyes seeking out shapes through the darkness. Life in the Okiya was not as excruciating as he’d feared but he still loathed the place and dreamed of freedom. When he wasn’t thinking of Jin, he often imagined elaborate escape scenarios, which admitably often resulted in him returning to his Lord’s side. But at his core he knew that it was hopeless. Jin had led his domain into chaos; taxes were at an all time high and revolution was brewing. Tales were spreading of the Lord’s cruelty; it was said that Jin lacked the imagination of his father’s methods but that he was entirely unforgiving, ordering executions for even minor crimes. The Akanishi name now connoted not only fear but loathing and shame, and Kazuya knew that sooner or later Jin would be brought down.
He closed his eyes and willed his thought to cease; he’d replayed the scenario they’d shared and dwelled on Jin’s fate over and over yet no real conclusion was ever reached. Life in the Okiya was bearable; he had a growing number of clientele who found him exotic and unique and showered him with praise and gifts; Jin despite his rumoured drug-induced madness had continued to fund his teachings; and he’d even been presented with his own private room. Kazuya knew that he should be grateful, that he should forget the brief bizarre exchange that he’d experienced with the Akanishi Lord but it was no use and though he was not quite to the point of admitting it to himself he knew that soon he would risk everything for his final shot at fulfilment.
~*~*~*~
Kazuya was not alone in his wakefulness on that particular Autumn night, for not so very far away, two young men once again found themselves resorting to physical abuse to settle their differences.
“Please Jin.” Tomohisa spat the blood from his mouth and struggled to sit up but he was immediately forced back onto his stomach.
“Where is it?” Jin snapped as he twisted his old friend’s arm behind his back and held it painfully in place. He could feel Tomohisa’s body shaking, though he couldn’t be sure if it was fear or simply the agony of withdrawal.
“I couldn’t...” Tomohisa gasped and tried feebly to free himself from Jin’s hold. “There’s a shortage...it’s all I could find.”
“Then give it to me.” Jin flipped the broken man onto his back and leaned menacingly over him, his eyes darting over Tomohisa’s emaciated form in search of his prize.
“You can’t take it all.” Tomohisa’s breathing was raspy as he tried to protest, his eyes sunken and streaming, dried saliva decorating his mouth and beard as his body twitched involuntarily. “Please Jin!” He cried, reaching out for his best friend, “you took it all yesterday...”
“You failed,” Jin laughed and began to run his hands over Tomohisa’s legs. “I gave you the money, all you had to do was get it...”
“I tried.” Tomohisa’s body was damp from sweat and vomit. Had Jin not been so consumed by his own addiction then he might have recognised the danger of Tomohisa’s condition, might even have sought out help, but that side of Jin no longer existed. He cared only for the hit and the chase and the eventual peace that it lead him to. Nothing else and no-one else mattered. Realising that Tomohisa must have concealed his small supply within his robes, he immediately began to scratch and tear at the man’s clothing.
Tomohisa attempted to stop him but the pain in the man’s cramping muscles was too severe. Jin knew the pain of withdrawal all too well for he too had experienced it a week earlier when their supply had been cut. Nothing, he decided, was worth that agony. He heard himself cry out as his fingers finally landed on the small bundle, though his mind was too twisted to recognise his emotion.
“Good boy!” He laughed mockingly as he stumbled away from Tomohisa. “This is what I need!” He placed it carefully on the kotatsu and flexed his trembling fingers, willing them to steady enough for him to fill his pipe.
Behind him Tomohisa tried weakly to protest, to beg, but Jin paid him no attention. He was the Lord of this domain and no-one, not even his old friend, deserved special treatment. He reached for his pipe and set to work.
~*~*~*~
Kazuya clenched his jaw and forced a smile as he leaned in to pour his client’s sake. Matsumoto Jun was the youngest member of one of thedomain’s highest ranking samurai families, and in his opinion the fates had dealt him a great injustice in granting him such a position. Frustrated by his status and the lack of interest and respect granted him by his brothers, Jun had mastered a social role instead and could usually be found frequenting geisha houses, taverns, kabuki performances and brothels in equal measure. Tonight, like many nights of late, he had chosen Kazuya as his guest of honour and had rented out an inn especially for the occasion.
“You don’t mind me telling you....” the samurai slurred as he ungraciously consumed the small cup of sake and held it out impatiently for a refill, “what I think to these....these...” he waved his hand in search of an adequate insult, “phoney leaders...these high birth rascals!” He hiccuped and for a moment it seemed that he might slump forward and lose consciousness.
Kazuya smiled and continued his task; Matsumoto was harmless but alcohol had a dangerous tendency to loosen his tongue. It was not the first time that Kazuya had been forced to listen to his ramblings about Jin and the other members of the Daimyo, and he knew too well that it would not be his last.
“They’ll be the death of us all you know!” Jun reached out and placed his hand on Kazuya’s knee, staring up at him lustfully. “It should be me in charge! Not that vagabond Akanishi!” He hiccuped again. Kazuya felt his stomach drop and his ears grow alert in spite of himself. “I’ve seen him you know....” Matsumoto began to slide his hand further up Kazuya’s leg, “he’s a ruined man...they saw he’s taking the forbidden drug with Yamashita.”
Kazuya prickled; he’d heard the stories, everyone had. That the Lord of the domain spent his time frequenting a drug den with his supposed best friend Yamashita Tomohisa. The name caused a bitter taste to rise in the back of Kazuya’s throat. Best friend? Why then had Jin never mentioned him? Perhaps this filthy supplier that had ruined the man that Kazuya had grown to love and crave beyond all things, was in fact more than a friend, perhaps he was Kazuya’s replacement.
“But changes are coming.” Jun slammed his glass down and withdrew his hand from Kazuya with a jubilant cackle. “They say that Yamashita’s been taken away!”
“What?” Kazuya stiffened, his mind jumping to hopeful conclusions. Had Jin grown tired of his new plaything? Did that mean the Lord was coming back for him? “What happened?”
“Arrested.” Jun reached for a tobacco pipe and lit it slowly. “He was breaking the law...supplying opium...but more than that, he disobeyed a direct order from Akanishi senior.”
“From Jin’s father?” Kazuya knew that his mask was slipping as he sat gawping at Matsumoto desperate for more information.
Jun nodded and exhaled. “Rumour has it that the old man knew what Yamashita was doing, and that he forbid him from seeing Jin.” Kazuya blinked unsure of how to digest the new information. “By going against that he’s forfeited his own life. They should be going for him anytime now.”
“And what about Jin...I mean Akanishi....what will happen to him?”
Jun laughed and leaned in closer. “That’s the best part!” he whispered. “He has no idea what’s going to happen! There are forces at work...rumours that orders are being issued directly from the Shogun himself!”
Kazuya could feel his throat beginning to close up. “What orders?” he choked; no longer able to disguise his distress.
Jun shrugged and leaned back. “How am I to know?” he inhaled again. “But I’m guessing he’ll be made to step down...to offer his life in repentance...”
“No!” Kazuya cried out far louder than he should and the way that Matsumoto’s eyes narrowed warned him that he’d crossed an unthinkable barrier.
“He deserves all he gets!” Jun snapped rounding on the distressed geisha, “the man’s a monster and a disgrace!”
“How certain are you that these rumours are true?” Kazuya grabbed the samurai’s arm in his panic. Jun looked horrified.
“What are you...” the man spluttered but Kazuya had no time for courtesy and ritual.
“Just tell me!” He screamed, tightening his hold threateningly.
Jun it seemed was too shocked and appalled by the geisha’s behaviour to react at first but when Kazuya began to shake his arm in desperation anger surged forth. “Get your hands off me!” He shouted, flinging Kazuya to the side and rising unsteadily to his feet. “Yamashita is most certainly done for! As for Jin...it’s only a matter of time...even if these rumours prove to be false someone will eventually make him pay for what he’s done to our people. And as for you....”
But Kazuya was already forcing back the screens to the room while loosening his robes. His mind barely registered the appalled glances that he received from the staff of the inn as he tore the silk of his kimono to ease his movements, nor did he respond to the furious shouts of Matsumoto behind him. All he could think of was Jin and how he must warn him and somehow rescue him from the mess that he knew he was at least partially responsible for.
~*~*~*~
It had been what Jin had grown to call a dark day. Time flowed heavily into itself in a manner that suffocated. He’d prayed for night to come, a time when he could escape his retainers who had started to undertake increasingly extreme measures to control and suppress him. But now that it had arrived he found himself missing the light, for all it’s honesty and safety.
Was it the blood that stained his robes that made him itch or the fearful cravings returning? He tried to swallow but his tongue simply scraped against the parched ceiling of his mouth. He lifted his sword clumsily as he staggered from his home, wondering whether it was worth cleaning away the remains of the lowly samurai that had tried to prevent his leave. Sometimes it hurt to kill but not always, he had to think like that, to remind himself that soon the pain and the guilt and the loneliness would subside and his entire soul would rush towards the peaceful splendour that only his drug could bring.
That was if Pi had succeeded tonight. He shuddered and stumbled sideways, into an unfortunate passerby. Raising his sword he screamed a warning, and the young girl ran. He laughed and stumbled again, and then wiped the tears from his face. Today was most definitely a dark day but he had to keep moving.
Would Tomohisa forgive him for the injuries he’d caused him? Jin doubted it - it wasn’t as though the young samurai had ever truly cared for him anyway. Death lived in the darkness, and soon it would greet him. He smiled and felt his head fall forwards - the pain was returning, all consuming, relentless, the only cure to the squeezing torture engulfing his mind. Pi, his supposed friend, would rejoice when Jin finally took it too far, when he allowed himself to fall completely into the abyss. It was the only answer now. The only person that he’d ever allowed to be honest had despised him. He cried out and clasped his hands over his skull. He’d broken the rule - the only rule. Do not think of Kazuya - do not admit the truth. He laughed bitterly through his sobs as images of Kazuya naked and frightened swam through his senses. He had thrown away the only thing that he’d ever grown to cherish; his one chance of happiness was gone.
Today was a dark day and maybe, Jin thought, if he was lucky it would be his last.
~*~*~*~
The girl’s scream grabbed Kazuya’s attention and caused him to pause. Someone, a dark, distant shape had crashed into her, frightening her and causing her to flee. It didn’t take him long to realise that the figure was either a drunk or a lunatic or both and usually he would have set off eagerly in the opposite direction. But something caused Kazuya to falter, some nagging knowledge in the corner of his mind. The figure, whoever he was, was coming from the direction of Jin’s home. And though the idea was ludicrous, Kazuya couldn’t help but acknowledge a glimmer of hope that it might in fact be his broken lover.
And so, it was with that thought that he cautiously approached the stumbling mess that seemed to be desperately trying to create some distance between himself and the Akanishi estate.
He’d managed to tear away most of his robes, which he’d hoped would make him less conspicuous, for very soon he knew that the mother would be sending men out to search for him. He shuddered at the prospect of the capture and the shame and pain that such an event would inevitably bring. He glanced down at his robes again and groaned; the torn fabric made him look ridiculous. Raising his head he narrowed his eyes and tried to focus on the mysterious figure. And then he felt his heart falter.
The figure was Akanishi Jin, but at the same time it was not. Kazuya found himself coming to a stop as he stared at the man he loved. Jin was muttering loudly to himself as he fell about the road, his body shaking as he sobbed loudly. His skin seemed to hang from his skinny frame, and even from his brief distance Kazuya could see how sunken the man’s face had become. A part of him wanted to turn away and gauge the memory of the fallen Lord from his mind but fascination forced his focus. He found himself taking an uncertain step closer but Jin was turning away, crazed eyes searching for something in the distance. And then the samurai began to run, all evidence that he’d been struggling with his balance gone. Kazuya gawped and stared around as though someone would step forth and offer him an answer, a cure but all other passersby had their heads bowed, ashamed of their Lord; unwilling to acknowledge what they’d just witnessed.
Kazuya scowled and turned back to face Jin, who had succeeded in creating quite a distance between them. He realised then that if he didn’t move now then he risked losing sight of his Lord forever and panic more than logic forced his tired feet forwards.
The ground below was painful, for Kazuya had been forced to abandon his footwear, but there was no time to avoid the sharp rocks and gravel that cut into his sensitive flesh. It struck him as mildly strange that he should be pursuing Jin in such a condition, for his appearance did not differ too greatly from that of their first meeting.
Jin slowed and Kazuya skidded, almost tumbled, in his hurry to stop. For something told him that the time was not yet right to announce his presence to the man that he missed so desperately.
“Pi?” Jin’s voice seemed to tremble with uncertainty as he called out. Kazuya narrowed his eyes and moved slowly to conceal himself behind a tree.
Jin appeared to be circling a small house, his arms wrapped protectively around his thin body, and even from his short distance Kazuya could clearly see how much the man trembled. Leaning closer Kazuya shifted his focus to the house and although he couldn’t explain his sudden sorrow he felt his chest tighten as his eyes landed on the broken door.
“Pi?” Jin called again, his hand reaching towards the chipped doorframe. “Are you there?” Kazuya closed his eyes; was he really ready for this moment? How would Jin react to him? Was the obviously insane Lord really worth risking his life for?
A series of crashes coming from within the small home forced Kazuya’s eyes open. Jin had entered the building and before Kazuya was aware of making the choice he was darting forward to join him.
The ground was scattered with glass, splintered wood and torn parchments and fabrics, much of which seemed to be decorated with what appeared to be blood. An unusual faded smell hung in the air, working only to confirm the rumours that Kazuya had never wanted to believe. And in the middle of it all knelt Jin, hands covering his face as he sobbed quietly to himself. Kazuya took an uncertain step forward through the debris, his heart drumming its beat throughout his entire being.
“Pi?” Jin twisted round suddenly, hand flying to the sword on his belt as their eyes met. And then he was backing away, hands stretched out behind him as he tried to find the leverage to create a distance between them. “You didn’t have to take him.” Kazuya had never heard such a tone in his Lord’s voice before. “I wasn’t...” Jin looked around fearfully, “I didn’t mean it...” He snatched up his hand suddenly and pulled a shard of glass from his palm, raised it to his lips and then fixed his wild glare on Kazuya. “They’ve sent you?” He whispered. “Why did it have to be you?”
Kazuya felt as though his very organs were being shredded by the words that Jin babbled. He took an uncertain step closer and Jin screamed. “BRING HIM BACK!” he fell forward onto his hands and cried, “I need him....he’s the only one who can....” Kazuya took a step back as though that would somehow prevent Jin from confirming what his heart most feared.
“You love him?” he hadn’t meant to ask but it was already done.
Jin raised his head, offering Kazuya a full view of his sunken face and the dark circles below his puffy, tear-stained eyes. The tension hung in the air as they drank in each others appearances and then Jin broke the moment by letting his head fall forwards and shaking it slowly from side to side, his matted hair giving him a canine-like appearance.
Kazuya crashed to his knees as he felt his stamina crack. It was all too intense, too real. He’d dreamed of finding Jin again but never like this, never broken and babbling, filthy and confused. He raised his hands to his face, and prayed that the action would block everything out.
“It’s you.” Jin whispered and Kazuya made out the sound of him shuffling closer. “You...you...” He lowered his hands and blinked, Jin was crawling awkwardly towards him. And then he was moving too, reaching out for the warmth that he’d craved so desperately since their last pained meeting. Jin hesitated at the last moment, and Kazuya saw fear in the dark depths but he’d come too far to let go.
“Come here.” He whispered, and placed his hand gently on his Lord’s arm. Jin glanced to the side, as though in search of the true recipient of Kazuya’s request. And Kazuya couldn’t resist a quiet laugh before pulling his prize into his arms. Jin didn’t struggle, simply allowed himself to be dragged into the embrace, his shaking limbs reaching uncertainly around Kazuya’s frame.
“Everyone always leaves,” He whispered, “because of me.” Kazuya tightened his hold and reached up to stroke his lover’s hair. “I...” Jin gulped. “I hurt people, Kazuya.” He pulled back slightly allowing him to gaze into Kazuya’s face. “I’m not...good.” He lowered his eyes.
“He didn’t leave you.” Kazuya placed his palm against Jin’s damp cheek. “He was taken, arrested.” Fear flashed across Jin’s expression.
“Will they...” the Lord’s gaze clouded over and then he fisted his fingers around Kazuya’s wrist. “The opium! They took him because of that?” Kazuya flinched as the wild returned to Jin’s expression. “That means there’s none left!” he started to struggle then as though afraid of Kazuya’s intentions. “I need it!” he screamed and thrashed. “It’ll kill me...they’ll kill me!”
“Please...my Lord...calm down...” Kazuya gasped as he struggled to maintain a hold. “It’s going to be...”
“No!” Jin sobbed, “it hurts...I can’t think about it...you’re not...you can’t be...”
“Jin!” Kazuya snapped, throwing away the formal titles that his Lord usually deserved. “Look at me!” And somehow Jin listened, his movements ceased and his eyes softened. “I’m sorry,” Kazuya whispered, leaning in as close to his love as he could, “I know what I did and why you sent me away.” He swallowed. “I know you felt betrayed...”
“I trusted you.” Jin leaned forward as though suddenly exhausted, all thoughts of his missing drug laid to rest for now. “I thought...I thought that you...”
“I do.” Kazuya kissed the side of his face. “But I was afraid.”
“Of what?”
“I didn’t want you to send me away.” Kazuya cleared his throat, embarrassed. “I was starting to like being with you...I didn’t want to be alone.”
Jin’s whole weight seemed to collapse against his chest then as the half-delirious man sobbed. Kazuya placed a hand on his arm and felt his chest sink - the Lord’s tremors were becoming more violent, a sure sign that the withdrawal was starting to take hold.
“Help me, Kazuya.” Kazuya felt Jin’s fingers grasping at his shirt. “It hurts...everywhere...all the time...I thought it would make it stop...but it hurts so much...” He raised his head and stared up into Kazuya’s face. “I can’t do it by myself,” he swallowed. “I’ve tried and it’s too much.”
Kazuya smiled and leaned down to kiss him, pushing his tongue through chapped lips and caressing his hair comfortingly. “I’m here now.” he whispered as he broke the kiss, “and nothing that you say or do will make me leave you again.” He smiled. “You’re mine.”
Jin nodded silently in his arms and there the two of them remained, simply breathing and clinging to one another as though to break apart would tear them away from each other permanently. Kazuya sighed and bit his lip; he’d reached a decision, that for better or for worse, bound him to Jin. Matsumoto had been right, he’d sensed the displeasure of the people, and changes were surely charging towards them hidden in the shadows of the night. It would take all that they had to survive the onslaught and that would require complete trust and honesty. He swallowed; the time was coming for him to pull back his mask and show Jin his true self. He’d abandoned his past, had turned away from everything. He’d lied and cheated and transformed himself over and over. If Jin knew the truth, how would he convince him that he too wasn’t about to be forsaken?
His fears had been realised; Jin had used him and abandoned him. He lowered his head and tightened his hold on the blanket that had been thrown at him to conceal his nudity. It had hurt but he’d tried to bear it; had tried to make it good for Jin. At first it had been wonderful, more so than he’d ever dreamed, but then the fear of what would happen afterwards had returned and he’d started to panic. He couldn’t deny that Jin had brought him pleasure but the terror and shame that had engulfed him following his climax had far surpassed the fading physical joy. He’d always known that Jin would discard him eventually but he’d hoped that the Lord would at least spare him some shame.
“No-one wants a male geisha!” the sound of the mother’s shouts penetrated his thoughts and he flinched. “What am I supposed to do with him?” He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself.
I trusted you and I thought you liked me. He couldn’t rid himself of Jin’s final words or the heartache in his Lord’s voice as he’d pulled away from him. It didn’t make sense but at the same time it was so clear and for that he hated himself. Jin had thrown cruel words at him, had tried to frighten him but he’d never hurt him. Yes, the sex had been painful but that had not been intentional, and he had offered his Lord no indication of his discomfort. He tried to swallow but his mouth tasted like gravel.
Jin had been reaching out from his solitude, searching for something to hold onto. The pressures were great and people were lining up to judge; Jin had no-one to lean on or rely on; Kazuya himself had heard the members of his council whispering behind their Lord’s back. He should have understood the pain but he’d been too selfish, had believed himself to be too unique, had never imagined that Jin too could want to escape.
“Let me return to him.” He cried and struggled to stand up, stumbling towards the guards in his desperation.
He plea was met with momentary silence before one of the guards stepped forward, kicked him in the knee and threw him to the ground, ripping the blanket from his body. “My Lord has no use for a filthy whore!” He moved as though to strike him but another guard, Haruki, if Kazuya recalled correctly, intervened and told him not to waste time before returning the blanket to him.
Kazuya closed his eyes; he’d brought this upon himself by acting so coldly towards Jin after they’d made love. He bristled at the sentimental phrase, having never imagined that the intercourse that they would eventually share would hold such a heavy connotation. But perhaps for Jin that’s what it had been, and Kazuya had cheapened it; he deserved all that he got.
“Fine!” The woman stamped her foot, “he can stay as long as my Lord pays for him.” She sent Kazuya a disgusted look, “but the moment the money stops I’m sending him to a brothel. Tell that to Akanishi.”
~*~*~*~
Jin ground his teeth and forced his feet forwards; his brain felt as though it were constricting, solidifying and scraping against itself. Each passing thought seemed to grow weaker as feral emotion seared through. He staggered and felt his fist collide with something solid. He gasped and sank to his knees as his tears finally broke through and he allowed himself a furious sob. The suffocating feeling in his head was now being replicated within his chest, he clawed at it in a pathetic attempt to loosen the tightening and shuddered as he felt pain shoot up his apparently injured arm.
He felt certain then that he was dying; for no pain, neither emotional or physical, had ever drawn close to what he was experiencing inside. It was beyond endurance, beyond logic, nothing, nothing could hurt so intensely. He lowered his head and cried, willing the darkness in. It had always been there, lurking just a step out of sight, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the void from which he wouldn’t be able to return. He’d tried to shield himself, creating a temporary distance from the despair that whispered and lulled and promised to engulf. But the cracks in his self-constructed prison had gradually grown wider and the darkness had started to lick and caress his spirit. But then Kazuya had appeared; the absolute embodiment of beautiful imperfection. He’d offered the answers that Jin had been too afraid to seek. Strength and honesty and fire. Kazuya had slipped in through the shadows and shone, forcing the dangers back. Jin felt his head come into contact with the ground as his body shook with his tears. If Kazuya had just stayed away, if they’d never shared their unexpected encounter then perhaps Jin would have lasted longer, perhaps he would have been able to keep fighting, perhaps he would even have found a way to free himself from his demons alone. But it was too late; he’d unintentionally shared his burden and now it’s weight was crushing his solitary soul.
“Jin?” He could feel hands on him. He didn’t respond, for he doubted that he possessed the strength to form words. “Come inside before someone sees you.”
It was Pi. Of course it was, for that’s where he’d been heading before the pain had taken over. He allowed himself to be lifted and half carried into the smoky house; the one place that still offered some form of comfort and sanctuary.
“What happened?” It was impossible to decipher his friend’s emotion through the darkness, not that Jin cared to.
“It’s dark.” He sounded pathetic but Tomohisa was in no position to judge or condemn.
“It’s late.” This time the tone was unmistakably gentle, and he found himself leaning in to the warmth of his best friend. “Should I find a light?” Jin shook his head and he felt his whole body sway.
“Let me stay...” he whispered as he felt Tomohisa begin to lower him onto what must have been a futon. “No-one will know...” he whispered and placed his hands against his friends chest, “we can forget together...” He dug his nails lightly into Tomohisa’s exposed skin, as though the act might somehow dampen the pain in his heart.
“Go to sleep Jin.” Tomohisa whispered, “it’s ok...” Because that was Tomohisa’s way; gentle, understanding, no questions asked; that’s how he’d always been. Jin sniffed and leaned in, he felt Tomohisa stiffen in discomfort, for not since their youth had Jin sought out his embrace in such a way. But after the momentary falter Jin felt him relax and welcome him into his arms.
“You were right,” Jin whispered, leaning his head against his friend’s shoulder, “he was a no-body and I’m a fool.” He swallowed, “I’m not supposed to feel like this...” dread was slipping steadily into his heart, “I’m supposed to be...” But the thoughts and the words all posed their own threats and he felt himself shrinking away from his realisations once more. “Make it stop, Pi.” He pulled back suddenly and sought out his friend’s face in the darkness. “I can’t be like this...I’m a Lord, like you said...I need...I need to be strong.”
“Jin...” he could feel Tomohisa trying to draw away. Jin narrowed his eyes and seized his wrist, yanking it towards him, furious at the betrayal that he felt by his friend’s movement.
“You said it worked for you,” he could feel his mind speeding up in desperation as his heart thumped loudly within his chest.
“You know what it’s done to me.” Tomohisa sounded angry but Jin didn’t care; nothing could be worse than the emptiness that was expanding within.
“I can control it!” it was only then that he realised how violently he was shaking.
“You can’t,” Tomohisa counteracted, “no-one can.”
“I’m not just anyone!” Jin insisted.
“No!” Pi began to struggle against him, “whoever it is that’s made you like this...he’s not worth it, Jin! Nobodies worth it!”
“You don’t know!” Jin screamed then and lashed out, his fist colliding with his friend’s throat. Tomohisa cried out and sank sideway, coughing and grabbing at his neck, but Jin wouldn’t allow it. “You were my only friend and now you’re gone...I thought I could trust him...that he cared for me but he was lying too...there’s no-one, there’s only me. And I’m tired.” He pulled Tomohisa up and hit him again and then again.
“Jin...” Tomohisa gasped as Jin grabbed his hair and raised his fist for a fourth strike.
“Give it to me.” He snapped, “you owe me at least that.”
“I can’t!” And so Jin struck. Tomohisa tried to struggle, and at one point Jin thought that he might even retaliate, but the man’s self abuse was too great and he lacked the physical strength of his lord.
“I can do this all night, Pi.” Jin snapped, forcing his friend onto the ground by the throat; his fury gradually numbing his heartache. Tomohisa sobbed quietly as he squirmed under his hold. But Jin simply laughed and tightened his grip, the final glimmers of sorrow and remorse dissolving within his madness. “I’ve got nothing to lose.” He slapped his face repeatedly and leaned in, “I’ll kill you.” He spat.
Their eyes met through the darkness and for a moment the world around them froze and then Tomohisa closed his eyes and Jin knew that he’d won.
~*~*~*~
Jin’s caresses were slow, gentle, worshipping. Large, dewey eyes worshipping him as he stroked and caressed. Kazuya’s breath hitched as he felt the pressure starting to build and Jin smiled; shy but pleased with himself. Kazuya leaned forward then and tangled his fingers through the thick mop of hair on his Lord’s head, relishing in the quiet whimpering that the action caused. He smirked and pulled, forcing Jin’s head back and exposing his throat to his hungry lips, as his hand reached down to caress Jin’s cock. And then Jin was on his back; needy, open, waiting...and Kazuya was there pushing forward, relishing in the way that the body tensed and strong arms reached up for him...
Kazuya clenched his jaw as the waves hit and his body shook in silent pleasure. And then it was over and he was reaching for something to remove the evidence from his palm. Sitting up he pulled his knees up to his chest and closed his eyes. The fantasy’s differed but their subject remained constant.
Almost three months had passed since Jin had abandoned him but still the troubled young Lord constantly frequented Kazuya’s thoughts. It was the cruellest of ironies, he thought, that he should only have been allowed to realise the depth of his feelings towards his mysterious master after he’d been disowned. Was it simple lust? Sometimes he’d been able to convince himself that was so, but mostly logic told him otherwise. Jin had never been simply an object of sexual desire; in fact during their brief time together he hadn’t even been that. He’d been a friend of sorts; a frustration; an obsession; a fearsome figure. Kazuya sighed and lay down again. Sometimes he imagined fleeing from the Okiya and slipping back into Jin’s home and into his bed. Then Jin would turn to him and pull him into a safe embrace; no anger or sentimental words, just silent understanding. He swallowed and laughed quietly; he craved that unspoken gesture because if Jin could offer him that then he would no longer have to examine his own feelings; would not have to justify what he’d done or what he planned to do; he would simply be allowed to bask in glorious, peaceful acceptance.
He sighed and turned onto his side, eyes seeking out shapes through the darkness. Life in the Okiya was not as excruciating as he’d feared but he still loathed the place and dreamed of freedom. When he wasn’t thinking of Jin, he often imagined elaborate escape scenarios, which admitably often resulted in him returning to his Lord’s side. But at his core he knew that it was hopeless. Jin had led his domain into chaos; taxes were at an all time high and revolution was brewing. Tales were spreading of the Lord’s cruelty; it was said that Jin lacked the imagination of his father’s methods but that he was entirely unforgiving, ordering executions for even minor crimes. The Akanishi name now connoted not only fear but loathing and shame, and Kazuya knew that sooner or later Jin would be brought down.
He closed his eyes and willed his thought to cease; he’d replayed the scenario they’d shared and dwelled on Jin’s fate over and over yet no real conclusion was ever reached. Life in the Okiya was bearable; he had a growing number of clientele who found him exotic and unique and showered him with praise and gifts; Jin despite his rumoured drug-induced madness had continued to fund his teachings; and he’d even been presented with his own private room. Kazuya knew that he should be grateful, that he should forget the brief bizarre exchange that he’d experienced with the Akanishi Lord but it was no use and though he was not quite to the point of admitting it to himself he knew that soon he would risk everything for his final shot at fulfilment.
~*~*~*~
Kazuya was not alone in his wakefulness on that particular Autumn night, for not so very far away, two young men once again found themselves resorting to physical abuse to settle their differences.
“Please Jin.” Tomohisa spat the blood from his mouth and struggled to sit up but he was immediately forced back onto his stomach.
“Where is it?” Jin snapped as he twisted his old friend’s arm behind his back and held it painfully in place. He could feel Tomohisa’s body shaking, though he couldn’t be sure if it was fear or simply the agony of withdrawal.
“I couldn’t...” Tomohisa gasped and tried feebly to free himself from Jin’s hold. “There’s a shortage...it’s all I could find.”
“Then give it to me.” Jin flipped the broken man onto his back and leaned menacingly over him, his eyes darting over Tomohisa’s emaciated form in search of his prize.
“You can’t take it all.” Tomohisa’s breathing was raspy as he tried to protest, his eyes sunken and streaming, dried saliva decorating his mouth and beard as his body twitched involuntarily. “Please Jin!” He cried, reaching out for his best friend, “you took it all yesterday...”
“You failed,” Jin laughed and began to run his hands over Tomohisa’s legs. “I gave you the money, all you had to do was get it...”
“I tried.” Tomohisa’s body was damp from sweat and vomit. Had Jin not been so consumed by his own addiction then he might have recognised the danger of Tomohisa’s condition, might even have sought out help, but that side of Jin no longer existed. He cared only for the hit and the chase and the eventual peace that it lead him to. Nothing else and no-one else mattered. Realising that Tomohisa must have concealed his small supply within his robes, he immediately began to scratch and tear at the man’s clothing.
Tomohisa attempted to stop him but the pain in the man’s cramping muscles was too severe. Jin knew the pain of withdrawal all too well for he too had experienced it a week earlier when their supply had been cut. Nothing, he decided, was worth that agony. He heard himself cry out as his fingers finally landed on the small bundle, though his mind was too twisted to recognise his emotion.
“Good boy!” He laughed mockingly as he stumbled away from Tomohisa. “This is what I need!” He placed it carefully on the kotatsu and flexed his trembling fingers, willing them to steady enough for him to fill his pipe.
Behind him Tomohisa tried weakly to protest, to beg, but Jin paid him no attention. He was the Lord of this domain and no-one, not even his old friend, deserved special treatment. He reached for his pipe and set to work.
~*~*~*~
Kazuya clenched his jaw and forced a smile as he leaned in to pour his client’s sake. Matsumoto Jun was the youngest member of one of thedomain’s highest ranking samurai families, and in his opinion the fates had dealt him a great injustice in granting him such a position. Frustrated by his status and the lack of interest and respect granted him by his brothers, Jun had mastered a social role instead and could usually be found frequenting geisha houses, taverns, kabuki performances and brothels in equal measure. Tonight, like many nights of late, he had chosen Kazuya as his guest of honour and had rented out an inn especially for the occasion.
“You don’t mind me telling you....” the samurai slurred as he ungraciously consumed the small cup of sake and held it out impatiently for a refill, “what I think to these....these...” he waved his hand in search of an adequate insult, “phoney leaders...these high birth rascals!” He hiccuped and for a moment it seemed that he might slump forward and lose consciousness.
Kazuya smiled and continued his task; Matsumoto was harmless but alcohol had a dangerous tendency to loosen his tongue. It was not the first time that Kazuya had been forced to listen to his ramblings about Jin and the other members of the Daimyo, and he knew too well that it would not be his last.
“They’ll be the death of us all you know!” Jun reached out and placed his hand on Kazuya’s knee, staring up at him lustfully. “It should be me in charge! Not that vagabond Akanishi!” He hiccuped again. Kazuya felt his stomach drop and his ears grow alert in spite of himself. “I’ve seen him you know....” Matsumoto began to slide his hand further up Kazuya’s leg, “he’s a ruined man...they saw he’s taking the forbidden drug with Yamashita.”
Kazuya prickled; he’d heard the stories, everyone had. That the Lord of the domain spent his time frequenting a drug den with his supposed best friend Yamashita Tomohisa. The name caused a bitter taste to rise in the back of Kazuya’s throat. Best friend? Why then had Jin never mentioned him? Perhaps this filthy supplier that had ruined the man that Kazuya had grown to love and crave beyond all things, was in fact more than a friend, perhaps he was Kazuya’s replacement.
“But changes are coming.” Jun slammed his glass down and withdrew his hand from Kazuya with a jubilant cackle. “They say that Yamashita’s been taken away!”
“What?” Kazuya stiffened, his mind jumping to hopeful conclusions. Had Jin grown tired of his new plaything? Did that mean the Lord was coming back for him? “What happened?”
“Arrested.” Jun reached for a tobacco pipe and lit it slowly. “He was breaking the law...supplying opium...but more than that, he disobeyed a direct order from Akanishi senior.”
“From Jin’s father?” Kazuya knew that his mask was slipping as he sat gawping at Matsumoto desperate for more information.
Jun nodded and exhaled. “Rumour has it that the old man knew what Yamashita was doing, and that he forbid him from seeing Jin.” Kazuya blinked unsure of how to digest the new information. “By going against that he’s forfeited his own life. They should be going for him anytime now.”
“And what about Jin...I mean Akanishi....what will happen to him?”
Jun laughed and leaned in closer. “That’s the best part!” he whispered. “He has no idea what’s going to happen! There are forces at work...rumours that orders are being issued directly from the Shogun himself!”
Kazuya could feel his throat beginning to close up. “What orders?” he choked; no longer able to disguise his distress.
Jun shrugged and leaned back. “How am I to know?” he inhaled again. “But I’m guessing he’ll be made to step down...to offer his life in repentance...”
“No!” Kazuya cried out far louder than he should and the way that Matsumoto’s eyes narrowed warned him that he’d crossed an unthinkable barrier.
“He deserves all he gets!” Jun snapped rounding on the distressed geisha, “the man’s a monster and a disgrace!”
“How certain are you that these rumours are true?” Kazuya grabbed the samurai’s arm in his panic. Jun looked horrified.
“What are you...” the man spluttered but Kazuya had no time for courtesy and ritual.
“Just tell me!” He screamed, tightening his hold threateningly.
Jun it seemed was too shocked and appalled by the geisha’s behaviour to react at first but when Kazuya began to shake his arm in desperation anger surged forth. “Get your hands off me!” He shouted, flinging Kazuya to the side and rising unsteadily to his feet. “Yamashita is most certainly done for! As for Jin...it’s only a matter of time...even if these rumours prove to be false someone will eventually make him pay for what he’s done to our people. And as for you....”
But Kazuya was already forcing back the screens to the room while loosening his robes. His mind barely registered the appalled glances that he received from the staff of the inn as he tore the silk of his kimono to ease his movements, nor did he respond to the furious shouts of Matsumoto behind him. All he could think of was Jin and how he must warn him and somehow rescue him from the mess that he knew he was at least partially responsible for.
~*~*~*~
It had been what Jin had grown to call a dark day. Time flowed heavily into itself in a manner that suffocated. He’d prayed for night to come, a time when he could escape his retainers who had started to undertake increasingly extreme measures to control and suppress him. But now that it had arrived he found himself missing the light, for all it’s honesty and safety.
Was it the blood that stained his robes that made him itch or the fearful cravings returning? He tried to swallow but his tongue simply scraped against the parched ceiling of his mouth. He lifted his sword clumsily as he staggered from his home, wondering whether it was worth cleaning away the remains of the lowly samurai that had tried to prevent his leave. Sometimes it hurt to kill but not always, he had to think like that, to remind himself that soon the pain and the guilt and the loneliness would subside and his entire soul would rush towards the peaceful splendour that only his drug could bring.
That was if Pi had succeeded tonight. He shuddered and stumbled sideways, into an unfortunate passerby. Raising his sword he screamed a warning, and the young girl ran. He laughed and stumbled again, and then wiped the tears from his face. Today was most definitely a dark day but he had to keep moving.
Would Tomohisa forgive him for the injuries he’d caused him? Jin doubted it - it wasn’t as though the young samurai had ever truly cared for him anyway. Death lived in the darkness, and soon it would greet him. He smiled and felt his head fall forwards - the pain was returning, all consuming, relentless, the only cure to the squeezing torture engulfing his mind. Pi, his supposed friend, would rejoice when Jin finally took it too far, when he allowed himself to fall completely into the abyss. It was the only answer now. The only person that he’d ever allowed to be honest had despised him. He cried out and clasped his hands over his skull. He’d broken the rule - the only rule. Do not think of Kazuya - do not admit the truth. He laughed bitterly through his sobs as images of Kazuya naked and frightened swam through his senses. He had thrown away the only thing that he’d ever grown to cherish; his one chance of happiness was gone.
Today was a dark day and maybe, Jin thought, if he was lucky it would be his last.
~*~*~*~
The girl’s scream grabbed Kazuya’s attention and caused him to pause. Someone, a dark, distant shape had crashed into her, frightening her and causing her to flee. It didn’t take him long to realise that the figure was either a drunk or a lunatic or both and usually he would have set off eagerly in the opposite direction. But something caused Kazuya to falter, some nagging knowledge in the corner of his mind. The figure, whoever he was, was coming from the direction of Jin’s home. And though the idea was ludicrous, Kazuya couldn’t help but acknowledge a glimmer of hope that it might in fact be his broken lover.
And so, it was with that thought that he cautiously approached the stumbling mess that seemed to be desperately trying to create some distance between himself and the Akanishi estate.
He’d managed to tear away most of his robes, which he’d hoped would make him less conspicuous, for very soon he knew that the mother would be sending men out to search for him. He shuddered at the prospect of the capture and the shame and pain that such an event would inevitably bring. He glanced down at his robes again and groaned; the torn fabric made him look ridiculous. Raising his head he narrowed his eyes and tried to focus on the mysterious figure. And then he felt his heart falter.
The figure was Akanishi Jin, but at the same time it was not. Kazuya found himself coming to a stop as he stared at the man he loved. Jin was muttering loudly to himself as he fell about the road, his body shaking as he sobbed loudly. His skin seemed to hang from his skinny frame, and even from his brief distance Kazuya could see how sunken the man’s face had become. A part of him wanted to turn away and gauge the memory of the fallen Lord from his mind but fascination forced his focus. He found himself taking an uncertain step closer but Jin was turning away, crazed eyes searching for something in the distance. And then the samurai began to run, all evidence that he’d been struggling with his balance gone. Kazuya gawped and stared around as though someone would step forth and offer him an answer, a cure but all other passersby had their heads bowed, ashamed of their Lord; unwilling to acknowledge what they’d just witnessed.
Kazuya scowled and turned back to face Jin, who had succeeded in creating quite a distance between them. He realised then that if he didn’t move now then he risked losing sight of his Lord forever and panic more than logic forced his tired feet forwards.
The ground below was painful, for Kazuya had been forced to abandon his footwear, but there was no time to avoid the sharp rocks and gravel that cut into his sensitive flesh. It struck him as mildly strange that he should be pursuing Jin in such a condition, for his appearance did not differ too greatly from that of their first meeting.
Jin slowed and Kazuya skidded, almost tumbled, in his hurry to stop. For something told him that the time was not yet right to announce his presence to the man that he missed so desperately.
“Pi?” Jin’s voice seemed to tremble with uncertainty as he called out. Kazuya narrowed his eyes and moved slowly to conceal himself behind a tree.
Jin appeared to be circling a small house, his arms wrapped protectively around his thin body, and even from his short distance Kazuya could clearly see how much the man trembled. Leaning closer Kazuya shifted his focus to the house and although he couldn’t explain his sudden sorrow he felt his chest tighten as his eyes landed on the broken door.
“Pi?” Jin called again, his hand reaching towards the chipped doorframe. “Are you there?” Kazuya closed his eyes; was he really ready for this moment? How would Jin react to him? Was the obviously insane Lord really worth risking his life for?
A series of crashes coming from within the small home forced Kazuya’s eyes open. Jin had entered the building and before Kazuya was aware of making the choice he was darting forward to join him.
The ground was scattered with glass, splintered wood and torn parchments and fabrics, much of which seemed to be decorated with what appeared to be blood. An unusual faded smell hung in the air, working only to confirm the rumours that Kazuya had never wanted to believe. And in the middle of it all knelt Jin, hands covering his face as he sobbed quietly to himself. Kazuya took an uncertain step forward through the debris, his heart drumming its beat throughout his entire being.
“Pi?” Jin twisted round suddenly, hand flying to the sword on his belt as their eyes met. And then he was backing away, hands stretched out behind him as he tried to find the leverage to create a distance between them. “You didn’t have to take him.” Kazuya had never heard such a tone in his Lord’s voice before. “I wasn’t...” Jin looked around fearfully, “I didn’t mean it...” He snatched up his hand suddenly and pulled a shard of glass from his palm, raised it to his lips and then fixed his wild glare on Kazuya. “They’ve sent you?” He whispered. “Why did it have to be you?”
Kazuya felt as though his very organs were being shredded by the words that Jin babbled. He took an uncertain step closer and Jin screamed. “BRING HIM BACK!” he fell forward onto his hands and cried, “I need him....he’s the only one who can....” Kazuya took a step back as though that would somehow prevent Jin from confirming what his heart most feared.
“You love him?” he hadn’t meant to ask but it was already done.
Jin raised his head, offering Kazuya a full view of his sunken face and the dark circles below his puffy, tear-stained eyes. The tension hung in the air as they drank in each others appearances and then Jin broke the moment by letting his head fall forwards and shaking it slowly from side to side, his matted hair giving him a canine-like appearance.
Kazuya crashed to his knees as he felt his stamina crack. It was all too intense, too real. He’d dreamed of finding Jin again but never like this, never broken and babbling, filthy and confused. He raised his hands to his face, and prayed that the action would block everything out.
“It’s you.” Jin whispered and Kazuya made out the sound of him shuffling closer. “You...you...” He lowered his hands and blinked, Jin was crawling awkwardly towards him. And then he was moving too, reaching out for the warmth that he’d craved so desperately since their last pained meeting. Jin hesitated at the last moment, and Kazuya saw fear in the dark depths but he’d come too far to let go.
“Come here.” He whispered, and placed his hand gently on his Lord’s arm. Jin glanced to the side, as though in search of the true recipient of Kazuya’s request. And Kazuya couldn’t resist a quiet laugh before pulling his prize into his arms. Jin didn’t struggle, simply allowed himself to be dragged into the embrace, his shaking limbs reaching uncertainly around Kazuya’s frame.
“Everyone always leaves,” He whispered, “because of me.” Kazuya tightened his hold and reached up to stroke his lover’s hair. “I...” Jin gulped. “I hurt people, Kazuya.” He pulled back slightly allowing him to gaze into Kazuya’s face. “I’m not...good.” He lowered his eyes.
“He didn’t leave you.” Kazuya placed his palm against Jin’s damp cheek. “He was taken, arrested.” Fear flashed across Jin’s expression.
“Will they...” the Lord’s gaze clouded over and then he fisted his fingers around Kazuya’s wrist. “The opium! They took him because of that?” Kazuya flinched as the wild returned to Jin’s expression. “That means there’s none left!” he started to struggle then as though afraid of Kazuya’s intentions. “I need it!” he screamed and thrashed. “It’ll kill me...they’ll kill me!”
“Please...my Lord...calm down...” Kazuya gasped as he struggled to maintain a hold. “It’s going to be...”
“No!” Jin sobbed, “it hurts...I can’t think about it...you’re not...you can’t be...”
“Jin!” Kazuya snapped, throwing away the formal titles that his Lord usually deserved. “Look at me!” And somehow Jin listened, his movements ceased and his eyes softened. “I’m sorry,” Kazuya whispered, leaning in as close to his love as he could, “I know what I did and why you sent me away.” He swallowed. “I know you felt betrayed...”
“I trusted you.” Jin leaned forward as though suddenly exhausted, all thoughts of his missing drug laid to rest for now. “I thought...I thought that you...”
“I do.” Kazuya kissed the side of his face. “But I was afraid.”
“Of what?”
“I didn’t want you to send me away.” Kazuya cleared his throat, embarrassed. “I was starting to like being with you...I didn’t want to be alone.”
Jin’s whole weight seemed to collapse against his chest then as the half-delirious man sobbed. Kazuya placed a hand on his arm and felt his chest sink - the Lord’s tremors were becoming more violent, a sure sign that the withdrawal was starting to take hold.
“Help me, Kazuya.” Kazuya felt Jin’s fingers grasping at his shirt. “It hurts...everywhere...all the time...I thought it would make it stop...but it hurts so much...” He raised his head and stared up into Kazuya’s face. “I can’t do it by myself,” he swallowed. “I’ve tried and it’s too much.”
Kazuya smiled and leaned down to kiss him, pushing his tongue through chapped lips and caressing his hair comfortingly. “I’m here now.” he whispered as he broke the kiss, “and nothing that you say or do will make me leave you again.” He smiled. “You’re mine.”
Jin nodded silently in his arms and there the two of them remained, simply breathing and clinging to one another as though to break apart would tear them away from each other permanently. Kazuya sighed and bit his lip; he’d reached a decision, that for better or for worse, bound him to Jin. Matsumoto had been right, he’d sensed the displeasure of the people, and changes were surely charging towards them hidden in the shadows of the night. It would take all that they had to survive the onslaught and that would require complete trust and honesty. He swallowed; the time was coming for him to pull back his mask and show Jin his true self. He’d abandoned his past, had turned away from everything. He’d lied and cheated and transformed himself over and over. If Jin knew the truth, how would he convince him that he too wasn’t about to be forsaken?