Keeping Busy
So let's see, where to begin. Some of this might be old news, some will be new news.
Carvis applied for and got accepted for an Accounting course. It's a two year program, Business Admin specializing in Accounting. We weren't sure if he'd be able to get a Student Loan but he did. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to get funding from the government to help pay for our living expenses.
The good news is that his Employment Insurance, which we thought had ended in June, actually doesn't end until Aug 10 so we have a few weeks with no income except what Merc is paying us before Carvis's Student Loan arrives. The bad news is that Merc won't be giving us anywhere what we need so our bills, which were caught up then fell behind and are currently almost caught up again, will be behind again. *sighs* So some of the loan will go towards paying off the bills but hopefully it won't be more than a couple hundred dollars.
Our family doctor is willing to sign the papers for him to apply for disability but we have to wait until she's back from vacation - which will be Monday so first thing I have to do is call for an appointment. He also got some forms for her to fill out that make him eligible for bursaries if his disability is granted.
We still won't be making as much as we need to survive but it'll help. The Student Loan should then be enough to cover our living expenses.
The owner of the place we're renting is trying to sell the house. So we don't know what is going to happen. Thus we are considering moving to another place and have started looking around. We won't have the money for a down payment until Sept (another use for the loan) so will start seriously looking next month. There's currently a place for rent being advertised that looks like it might be pretty good for us. It just doesn't say if it would allow cats.
Mouse is trying to find out how to apply to Social Assistance as my caretaker/helper and get paid by them since I do rely a lot on her for help. I think she will need to call them and arrange to talk to them in person but she really hates making phone calls. So she's procrastinating. Guess I'll have to start pushing her about that.
Merc's been holding down this latest job pretty well. The heat wave we are coming out of has bothered him quite a bit, been too hot to sleep during the day and the place he works turns off the air conditioning at night. Luckily they provide lots of water for the employees to drink. Still, he says he's going to try and stay with it for a year and will be reapplying to the community college for the plumbing course next fall. He's also willing to help pay for the damage deposit on a new place. Provided he can hold on to his money and not spend it all on games and movies and eating out. :P
Tomorrow I'm off for my mom's 80th birthday party. I'm not expecting to enjoy it much because there's been a lot of family drama going on and I do not want to be in the middle of it. Also, the sister who organized the party never invited me nor Mouse nor our other sister and her family. Mom invited me when she found out I didn't know about it but said there wasn't room for Mouse to come as well. Right now my other sister is not talking to Mom or the one who organized the party and has added not being asked to her list of reasons to avoid the family. She and her family are moving back to Ontario but she won't give anyone her new address, even me. I can understand that reaction although I'm hurt that she thinks I would give out her address without her permission. *shrugs* Oh well.
Not being invited to the party has shown me where I and my family stand in that particular sister's view. This despite the fact that when I was up here before my surgery she told me that they (her, our brother, and sister) were my family and they didn't care how Carvis was dealing with the news of my cancer. Well, that's her choice on who she considers her family and has simply confirmed my decision to keep her out of my "family of choice". I'm going only because Mom asked me and sounded like she really wanted me there. She even sounded like she wanted Mouse there and was extremely disappointed that she can't go.
The major problem I've had is figuring out whether or not I should have a gift for Mom. While I would like to give her something I usually like more time to think up something to make or buy. I really can't afford to buy her anything and haven't felt like making anything for her. I know it isn't her fault but it simply shows that once again she won't fight for something for me and my family (like not pushing her doctor to take us as patients but pushing for my oldest sister and her family). I did make something yesterday, a small basket to set on her dresser and added in a finely woven scarf I had picked up a few years ago and simply packed away. I was originally going to send her the scarf as a gift but couldn't afford to send presents for a few years. So the scarf has never been worn by anyone.
Oh well.
I have CT scan scheduled for Aug 14th because it feels like the cancer has hardened along my left side. It hurts to bend in that direction. The results of the CT scan will be sent to the doctor in Halifax to compare against my records there. I doubt there's been enough growth to warrant another surgery yet but at least this way he'll be kept informed.
I was surfing through some articles today and found one titled "What You Should Not Say to a Cancer Patient". It had been posted a couple of weeks ago and there were a lot of responses. I read through because I was curious and while I agreed with some of what he said, I also disagreed with a lot of it. I, personally, think that some people become too sensitive when they or their loved ones, especially children, are diagnosed and in some cases die from cancer. Which is not unexpected. However, when people who aren't struggling with cancer or the loss of a loved one try to express sympathy, they often don't know what to say. So they say the same stupid platitudes they see on TV shows and in movies or in books. Because they don't know better.
I don't get upset when someone tries to express their shock, sympathy, and willingness to support me. Even when they say they'll pray for me or will ask God to look after me or send an angel to watch over me. I don't personally believe as they do and it's really more to comfort them and feel that they are doing something to help. I know that a hug and "Omigod" is meant the same as "I'm here for you, just let me know how I can help". I've been in the situation where someone will say something is happening in their lives and not know what to say to them. Usually I end up saying something like "I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. if I can help in any way. let me know."
Apparently though, according to the article, saying "I'm sorry" is the wrong thing to say. Why? Saying "I'm sorry something bad is happening to you" is not being condescending or patronizing nor is it saying "I feel guilty and don't know why". It's saying "I feel upset that you are suffering and I have no idea how I can help you feel better or if I can even do anything to make you feel better". It's saying "I'm hurting because you are hurting and I can't make the pain go away". In short, it's saying "I care enough about you to hurt when you are hurting even though I know my pain for you is no where near as bad as the pain you are going through".
In the four years since I've been diagnosed, I have spent more time making the people who care about me feel that they are not simply standing by helpless and useless than I have feeling sorry for myself or angry or helpless or hopeless. By a factor of about a hundred to one I'd say. No one seems to understand how I really feel because they think I should be upset and going through a world-shattering upheaval of everything I thought was important.
I did that years ago, twice. The first time I was about 20 and Carvis had pointed out what he felt were some issues with me in an effort to help me. He did, although not the way he had thought. He taught me that I couldn't look to other people for approval of what I chose to do, that I had to be happy with myself. Then, when I lost my second child and found out I was adopted, I lost my sense of self and where I had come from. I had to figure out who I wanted to be, what I wanted to be like, and what exactly was important to me.
Thus was born my "family of choice" decision and the reinforcement of the concept that people were more important than anything else. Without people to share your life, honestly, truly share it, there really is no reason to live. I already knew and accepted the fact that we are mortal and will eventually die. Most people, when told they have a terminal disease, go through the re-evaluation because they haven't put people first. They haven't looked at the fact that everyone dies, including them, at some point. I had. I didn't go through that shock, that turmoil
I was shocked of course and scared. No one wants to die (unless they have serious issues and aren't getting help with the issues or themselves) and being told your life might be shorter than you planned is always a deep shock. But I was able to recover my balance faster because I had never thought of myself as immortal. However, having people treat me as if I was about to drop dead at any moment or insisting that I needed to put myself first are two attitudes that will upset me. Which means that two people I care for are constantly making me grit my teeth and fight the urge to bang their heads against a brick wall until they understand that I am not fragile and I refuse to become self-centered instead of being my normal caring, generous, considerate self.
Although, I am not the same person I was four years ago. The surgery and chemo treatments took a toll on my body. I don't have the same stamina I had before, I tire easily, my electrolytes drop faster, I have issues because of the organ parts they removed. I don't want to work outside the house because of those issues. I want to do some of the things I thought I'd do in another 15 or so years when I retired. That's the major change in my thinking. I don't see a need to push myself in a job market when I can do stuff from home. I just need to be able to get set up. Which has been a major issue.
One thing the article mentioned which I do agree with - most cancer patients use humour to make their lives better. You have to. Even if you have an attitude like mine, dealing with other people requires a sense of humour to help them deal with reality. I've been thinking of doing up my own article "A List of Ways in Which I Probably Will Not Die" and seeing how many I can think up.
For instance, I probably will not die by being stepped on by a yak while walking along a beach on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific.
Carvis applied for and got accepted for an Accounting course. It's a two year program, Business Admin specializing in Accounting. We weren't sure if he'd be able to get a Student Loan but he did. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to get funding from the government to help pay for our living expenses.
The good news is that his Employment Insurance, which we thought had ended in June, actually doesn't end until Aug 10 so we have a few weeks with no income except what Merc is paying us before Carvis's Student Loan arrives. The bad news is that Merc won't be giving us anywhere what we need so our bills, which were caught up then fell behind and are currently almost caught up again, will be behind again. *sighs* So some of the loan will go towards paying off the bills but hopefully it won't be more than a couple hundred dollars.
Our family doctor is willing to sign the papers for him to apply for disability but we have to wait until she's back from vacation - which will be Monday so first thing I have to do is call for an appointment. He also got some forms for her to fill out that make him eligible for bursaries if his disability is granted.
We still won't be making as much as we need to survive but it'll help. The Student Loan should then be enough to cover our living expenses.
The owner of the place we're renting is trying to sell the house. So we don't know what is going to happen. Thus we are considering moving to another place and have started looking around. We won't have the money for a down payment until Sept (another use for the loan) so will start seriously looking next month. There's currently a place for rent being advertised that looks like it might be pretty good for us. It just doesn't say if it would allow cats.
Mouse is trying to find out how to apply to Social Assistance as my caretaker/helper and get paid by them since I do rely a lot on her for help. I think she will need to call them and arrange to talk to them in person but she really hates making phone calls. So she's procrastinating. Guess I'll have to start pushing her about that.
Merc's been holding down this latest job pretty well. The heat wave we are coming out of has bothered him quite a bit, been too hot to sleep during the day and the place he works turns off the air conditioning at night. Luckily they provide lots of water for the employees to drink. Still, he says he's going to try and stay with it for a year and will be reapplying to the community college for the plumbing course next fall. He's also willing to help pay for the damage deposit on a new place. Provided he can hold on to his money and not spend it all on games and movies and eating out. :P
Tomorrow I'm off for my mom's 80th birthday party. I'm not expecting to enjoy it much because there's been a lot of family drama going on and I do not want to be in the middle of it. Also, the sister who organized the party never invited me nor Mouse nor our other sister and her family. Mom invited me when she found out I didn't know about it but said there wasn't room for Mouse to come as well. Right now my other sister is not talking to Mom or the one who organized the party and has added not being asked to her list of reasons to avoid the family. She and her family are moving back to Ontario but she won't give anyone her new address, even me. I can understand that reaction although I'm hurt that she thinks I would give out her address without her permission. *shrugs* Oh well.
Not being invited to the party has shown me where I and my family stand in that particular sister's view. This despite the fact that when I was up here before my surgery she told me that they (her, our brother, and sister) were my family and they didn't care how Carvis was dealing with the news of my cancer. Well, that's her choice on who she considers her family and has simply confirmed my decision to keep her out of my "family of choice". I'm going only because Mom asked me and sounded like she really wanted me there. She even sounded like she wanted Mouse there and was extremely disappointed that she can't go.
The major problem I've had is figuring out whether or not I should have a gift for Mom. While I would like to give her something I usually like more time to think up something to make or buy. I really can't afford to buy her anything and haven't felt like making anything for her. I know it isn't her fault but it simply shows that once again she won't fight for something for me and my family (like not pushing her doctor to take us as patients but pushing for my oldest sister and her family). I did make something yesterday, a small basket to set on her dresser and added in a finely woven scarf I had picked up a few years ago and simply packed away. I was originally going to send her the scarf as a gift but couldn't afford to send presents for a few years. So the scarf has never been worn by anyone.
Oh well.
I have CT scan scheduled for Aug 14th because it feels like the cancer has hardened along my left side. It hurts to bend in that direction. The results of the CT scan will be sent to the doctor in Halifax to compare against my records there. I doubt there's been enough growth to warrant another surgery yet but at least this way he'll be kept informed.
I was surfing through some articles today and found one titled "What You Should Not Say to a Cancer Patient". It had been posted a couple of weeks ago and there were a lot of responses. I read through because I was curious and while I agreed with some of what he said, I also disagreed with a lot of it. I, personally, think that some people become too sensitive when they or their loved ones, especially children, are diagnosed and in some cases die from cancer. Which is not unexpected. However, when people who aren't struggling with cancer or the loss of a loved one try to express sympathy, they often don't know what to say. So they say the same stupid platitudes they see on TV shows and in movies or in books. Because they don't know better.
I don't get upset when someone tries to express their shock, sympathy, and willingness to support me. Even when they say they'll pray for me or will ask God to look after me or send an angel to watch over me. I don't personally believe as they do and it's really more to comfort them and feel that they are doing something to help. I know that a hug and "Omigod" is meant the same as "I'm here for you, just let me know how I can help". I've been in the situation where someone will say something is happening in their lives and not know what to say to them. Usually I end up saying something like "I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. if I can help in any way. let me know."
Apparently though, according to the article, saying "I'm sorry" is the wrong thing to say. Why? Saying "I'm sorry something bad is happening to you" is not being condescending or patronizing nor is it saying "I feel guilty and don't know why". It's saying "I feel upset that you are suffering and I have no idea how I can help you feel better or if I can even do anything to make you feel better". It's saying "I'm hurting because you are hurting and I can't make the pain go away". In short, it's saying "I care enough about you to hurt when you are hurting even though I know my pain for you is no where near as bad as the pain you are going through".
In the four years since I've been diagnosed, I have spent more time making the people who care about me feel that they are not simply standing by helpless and useless than I have feeling sorry for myself or angry or helpless or hopeless. By a factor of about a hundred to one I'd say. No one seems to understand how I really feel because they think I should be upset and going through a world-shattering upheaval of everything I thought was important.
I did that years ago, twice. The first time I was about 20 and Carvis had pointed out what he felt were some issues with me in an effort to help me. He did, although not the way he had thought. He taught me that I couldn't look to other people for approval of what I chose to do, that I had to be happy with myself. Then, when I lost my second child and found out I was adopted, I lost my sense of self and where I had come from. I had to figure out who I wanted to be, what I wanted to be like, and what exactly was important to me.
Thus was born my "family of choice" decision and the reinforcement of the concept that people were more important than anything else. Without people to share your life, honestly, truly share it, there really is no reason to live. I already knew and accepted the fact that we are mortal and will eventually die. Most people, when told they have a terminal disease, go through the re-evaluation because they haven't put people first. They haven't looked at the fact that everyone dies, including them, at some point. I had. I didn't go through that shock, that turmoil
I was shocked of course and scared. No one wants to die (unless they have serious issues and aren't getting help with the issues or themselves) and being told your life might be shorter than you planned is always a deep shock. But I was able to recover my balance faster because I had never thought of myself as immortal. However, having people treat me as if I was about to drop dead at any moment or insisting that I needed to put myself first are two attitudes that will upset me. Which means that two people I care for are constantly making me grit my teeth and fight the urge to bang their heads against a brick wall until they understand that I am not fragile and I refuse to become self-centered instead of being my normal caring, generous, considerate self.
Although, I am not the same person I was four years ago. The surgery and chemo treatments took a toll on my body. I don't have the same stamina I had before, I tire easily, my electrolytes drop faster, I have issues because of the organ parts they removed. I don't want to work outside the house because of those issues. I want to do some of the things I thought I'd do in another 15 or so years when I retired. That's the major change in my thinking. I don't see a need to push myself in a job market when I can do stuff from home. I just need to be able to get set up. Which has been a major issue.
One thing the article mentioned which I do agree with - most cancer patients use humour to make their lives better. You have to. Even if you have an attitude like mine, dealing with other people requires a sense of humour to help them deal with reality. I've been thinking of doing up my own article "A List of Ways in Which I Probably Will Not Die" and seeing how many I can think up.
For instance, I probably will not die by being stepped on by a yak while walking along a beach on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific.