(no subject)
I'm tired of meeting people. I've mostly obliterated any means I had for that. All that ends up happening most of the time* is I either chat empty chats about nothing except me being affectionate and feeling all good 'cause of how that affection is received, which sometimes escalates to meeting said people in person which almost always ends up with me being affectionate in person which leads to having sex and feeling guilty the entire time and even worse after but not being able to say no. It really sucks and isn't who I want to be.
So I'm tired of meeting people. I'll leave this here 'cause it's good for me to vent, usually I'm not really wanting anyone to respond. And I'll leave myspace simply because it's a quick contact point for some people I know. I removed all information from it, though. Too lazy to remove info from here, besides only people who already know me are likely to find this anyway.
This is really because of that post I made some months ago, the one about hurting someone? Well. I wanted so badly to change for him. Did I? Well, for about 6 months then because I tend to take things way too negatively I let myself fall back into old habits. This ended up not being as hurtful to him as the first time, I suspect it's because once he was already disappointed in me it was impossible to do worse. It was hurtful to me, though. I was really depressed after, the guilt was tenfold of normal. I literally wanted to die, only knowing I would be more hurtful to other people in killing myself saved me from doing so. I'm extremely disappointed in myself and rather hate myself. And because of what I did my relationship with said guy is not as close as it was. Aye, we're still friends and my dramatic attempt to separate ties with him was unneeded and kinda silly in retrospect, but probably would have ended up being less hurtful to me in the long run. But that's another post, if I feel like making it. but it all ends up with I'm tired of meeting people, less people I know less chances I have of screwing up. It doesn't matter to m'friend what I do anymore ( this also hurts, really ) but it still matters very much to me. That is all.
* not all the time, my closest friends were met through these now obliterated means, though not always directly