I guess I'll do the year-end thing,
Last year was filled with joy and happiness as well as a few rough patches, just as it should be.
Another year with my wonderful boyfriend has come and gone, there is much joy in that. We're having a ceremony in March ( as weddings of guys is not allowed here ). It should be wonderful, and something I'd never imagine happening to me. Well. At least not once I realised I was different form the "norm" and lacked the affection for females that was needed for marriage. I was about 5 or so when I imagined a story book wedding with all the formal priestly stuff ( I was raised somewhat religiously, Catholic, but Mum never bothered enforcing the discipline, being wiccian herself. ) lovely bride by my side. . . There was maybe one or two girls in all the time I was imagining this is just how life worked that I could even halfway consider being my Mommy when playing grown-up house. :: Chuckles :: A couple of boys, though, that I imagined really being in a relationship with, crushes, I suppose. I bet, given where I lived, they'd be freaked out if they knew I imagined being in their arms and touching their pee-pees, hehe.
After I realised that's not how life really worked I had too much self doubt and self negativity to believe I'd have someone. I also figured that the frilly pretty weddings didn't apply to two guys getting hitched, so it would just be an understanding without all the hubub. I now know that's not true, and have for some time, but having been to a few weddings in the past few years I realise I don't want one of those types of weddings, anyway. All the ceremony and the " do this in that way " :: Shakes head :: It's not what I'm about, and not who I am. We'll figure something out.
This year my friendship with one of my dearest friends evolved once again. Partly due to stupid choices on my part, but I have a feeling that only sped the evolution. No longer is there the ache that even if I wanted to leave Kenny we couldn't be together for various reasons. No longer is there the jealousy that I'm not the one he's cuddling. I'm over-all happier for it, the parts of our relationship I was clinging to fell away and I realised that the meaty flesh of the friendship was left. It's somewhat freeing. True, I look back and long for those moments we had, in each other's arms comforting each other because we'd never be together and get a bit sad, but atleast I have that to remember, rather than it not happening at all.
I realise this sounds unfair to Kenny, but I never wanted to be away from him, and that was one of the reasons it wouldn't work. People forget, I think, that love is infinite, as Disney as that is, heh. And I'm glad I still have my love with my friend, he means more to me than I think he realises or cares to think about. :: chuckles ::
Our little family of 4 has changed, it no longer feels as close-knit as it was. Kinda depressing, if I choose to think of it that way, but I think it's also a good thing. There was too much time spent together and things started to get stale. As special as it all was it started to not feel like that anymore.
I also met some new friends this year, and my life is all the more amazing because of them.
Man. I get wordy, heh.
We spent the New Years on Tempe Town Lake watching the fireworks. It was like last year, and felt really good especially after getting Thanksgiving dinner from Denny's and Christmas also away from my friends. We did spend it with family, but I missed my friend-family.
I don't really have too much more to say, I guess. I'll end with a year in review Meme. . .
Jan: Nothing
Feb: Today ( Valentine's day ) marks a year of me being with Kenny.
March: Nothing
April: Since I don't post often I'm not making a cut this time, so neyah. :P
May: So, I went to a wedding today.
June: Nothing
July: Can anyone tell me wtf is wrong with me? Srsly.
Aug: Nothing
Sept: Nothing
Oct: So I haven't posted in a zillion years.
Nov: So I'm sitting here alone at nearly 5 am.
Dec: Nothing
. . .
I just realised I shouldn't read my old el-jay entries. I'm really an emo git. :: chuckles :: I'm sorry, everyone. I'm not a huge ball of unhappiness all the time, I swear. I still have the same issues I've always had, I suppose, so there's no working past them, only working with them, which is what I've been trying to do. I know I get jealous and I know I worry for no reason, so I suppress the urge to act out on these feelings. I need some kind of outlet for them, or I need some way to keep them from happening. Obviously all the love in the world can't do that, otherwise I'd be untroubled anymore, as I truly feel I've more love than any one person deserves. :) I'm just a messed up individual, heh.
Another year with my wonderful boyfriend has come and gone, there is much joy in that. We're having a ceremony in March ( as weddings of guys is not allowed here ). It should be wonderful, and something I'd never imagine happening to me. Well. At least not once I realised I was different form the "norm" and lacked the affection for females that was needed for marriage. I was about 5 or so when I imagined a story book wedding with all the formal priestly stuff ( I was raised somewhat religiously, Catholic, but Mum never bothered enforcing the discipline, being wiccian herself. ) lovely bride by my side. . . There was maybe one or two girls in all the time I was imagining this is just how life worked that I could even halfway consider being my Mommy when playing grown-up house. :: Chuckles :: A couple of boys, though, that I imagined really being in a relationship with, crushes, I suppose. I bet, given where I lived, they'd be freaked out if they knew I imagined being in their arms and touching their pee-pees, hehe.
After I realised that's not how life really worked I had too much self doubt and self negativity to believe I'd have someone. I also figured that the frilly pretty weddings didn't apply to two guys getting hitched, so it would just be an understanding without all the hubub. I now know that's not true, and have for some time, but having been to a few weddings in the past few years I realise I don't want one of those types of weddings, anyway. All the ceremony and the " do this in that way " :: Shakes head :: It's not what I'm about, and not who I am. We'll figure something out.
This year my friendship with one of my dearest friends evolved once again. Partly due to stupid choices on my part, but I have a feeling that only sped the evolution. No longer is there the ache that even if I wanted to leave Kenny we couldn't be together for various reasons. No longer is there the jealousy that I'm not the one he's cuddling. I'm over-all happier for it, the parts of our relationship I was clinging to fell away and I realised that the meaty flesh of the friendship was left. It's somewhat freeing. True, I look back and long for those moments we had, in each other's arms comforting each other because we'd never be together and get a bit sad, but atleast I have that to remember, rather than it not happening at all.
I realise this sounds unfair to Kenny, but I never wanted to be away from him, and that was one of the reasons it wouldn't work. People forget, I think, that love is infinite, as Disney as that is, heh. And I'm glad I still have my love with my friend, he means more to me than I think he realises or cares to think about. :: chuckles ::
Our little family of 4 has changed, it no longer feels as close-knit as it was. Kinda depressing, if I choose to think of it that way, but I think it's also a good thing. There was too much time spent together and things started to get stale. As special as it all was it started to not feel like that anymore.
I also met some new friends this year, and my life is all the more amazing because of them.
Man. I get wordy, heh.
We spent the New Years on Tempe Town Lake watching the fireworks. It was like last year, and felt really good especially after getting Thanksgiving dinner from Denny's and Christmas also away from my friends. We did spend it with family, but I missed my friend-family.
I don't really have too much more to say, I guess. I'll end with a year in review Meme. . .
Jan: Nothing
Feb: Today ( Valentine's day ) marks a year of me being with Kenny.
March: Nothing
April: Since I don't post often I'm not making a cut this time, so neyah. :P
May: So, I went to a wedding today.
June: Nothing
July: Can anyone tell me wtf is wrong with me? Srsly.
Aug: Nothing
Sept: Nothing
Oct: So I haven't posted in a zillion years.
Nov: So I'm sitting here alone at nearly 5 am.
Dec: Nothing
. . .
I just realised I shouldn't read my old el-jay entries. I'm really an emo git. :: chuckles :: I'm sorry, everyone. I'm not a huge ball of unhappiness all the time, I swear. I still have the same issues I've always had, I suppose, so there's no working past them, only working with them, which is what I've been trying to do. I know I get jealous and I know I worry for no reason, so I suppress the urge to act out on these feelings. I need some kind of outlet for them, or I need some way to keep them from happening. Obviously all the love in the world can't do that, otherwise I'd be untroubled anymore, as I truly feel I've more love than any one person deserves. :) I'm just a messed up individual, heh.