Personality Ponderings
It's come to my attention recently that I'm two-faced. I don't mean that I'm fiendishly deceptive or a Batman villain, but I have two distinct sides to my personality which come out at different times and present two very different people.
First, we have party Grant. I like party Grant. I'm fun, outgoing, I want to be everyone's friend, and I'm really just there to have a good time with whomever. I'm interested in other people, I'm fascinated by their passions, and I just want to be around them and soak up the good energy.
Then, there's reclusive Grant. I'm sullen, indrawn, I don't want to see or talk with anyone, and I don't welcome people who come to visit or say hi to me. I'm kinda a jerk to be around, like the housemate of your friend who you know, but never say hi to or make any connection with as he sits there staring through his computer screen.
I really don't know when I'm going to be either personality, and there's no sure-fire trigger which enables each side of me. I just feel one way or another at any random time.
Now for years and years, I've managed this by managing my appearances. School was easy, because there is a very clear on and off period - at school I'm social, at home I can be reclusive. The problem has come now that I'm settling into a life where I need to be in better control of my moods. I'm so scared of people finding out about my reclusive side that the prospect of social interaction makes me anxious. It's this practice that's leading me to lose contact with old friends, which is the catalyst for me to want to take steps to mitigate the damage my reclusive side can do.
I think trying to force myself to be cheery when I'm feeling down is going to make me hate myself. I'm more interested in figuring out how to deal with this on a day to day basis. To own up to my depressed mentality and be honest about it to the people around me without bringing them down. My personality probably isn't going to change, but I'm hoping I can eliminate some of the anxiety I feel over showing my 'true self' in social situations and just roll with the ups and downs as they come.
So yeah...we'll see. I think FC is going to be a big test for me to see if I can ride the highs and limit the lows, all while being honest with myself when I feel I need a break to recharge.