Garou - Je n'attendais que vous
Title: I was waiting only for you
Pairing: Akame, Ryokame
Rating: R (for mystery, incest romance, double timeline)
Summary: AU, Jin finds a perfect place, where he will finish his book. But every night he dreamed . His dreams became too real and the thin line between reality and make believer began to evaporate. He could no longer separate the dream from reality.
Notes: I want to say thank you to my saviors, for encouragement and kind words and to my beta, because she is the best.
Garou - Je n'attendais que vous
The dull landscape passed by like the reels of a movie moving fast forward, the autumn sky promised of rain, and the melancholic music in the player did not make the mood better. As the car slowly traversed along the road, Jin wearily rubbed his temples. The road seemed endless. A large house, built of dark grey stones, loomed in the distance. A massive ornate iron gate swung open as the black car passed though. The driver opened the door to the new Mercedes, allowing Jin to get out of the car. A fresh breeze of the cool morning pleasantly tickled his nostrils and Jin sighed deeply, immediately he felt better.
The house was in the Cornwall, in southwest England. This place was the land of Celtic legends and to some this was the homeland of the legendary King Arthur.
He glanced around the stately home in front of him. The house looked just like Jin imagined. The house had stood here for centuries and many generations succeeded and lived within its walls. When Jin saw it on the brochure, he felt that he should come here. The house beckoned him, promising him something, and Jin wanted to believe that here he will find the something that he had been looking for so long, his inspiration - And to finally finish his masterpiece.
With deliberate steps, he walked along a path lined with heavy boulders and pushed the glass door, stepping inside. He felt a chill from somewhere in the depths of the house and goose bumps ran down his spine. He could smell the dust and the dampness, the musty smell that only old houses had. The house needed so much work before it could be livable again. Fortunately for him, the housekeeper who he hired would come the next day and clean everything. While Jin walked the long hall of the house, a strange feeling appeared in the pit of his stomach. This house was exactly what he was searching for. He can finish his book here. He can feel the headache fading away and Jin already felt the burst of energy in his hand, his fingers couldn’t wait to touch the cool keyboard and start typing.
*~*~*
When Jin first started writing, he was only 18 years old. He always had a very rich imagination, picturesque scenes just pop into his mind. He also loved reading a lot and always could express his feelings better in paper than talking with people. He wasn’t shy really but when faced with people, all words and thoughts evaporate leaving his mind blank. But when he had a pen and paper, he could write long and eloquent discourses about his thoughts and feelings.
His first novel was a story of one hero - his name was Kaoru. Jin wrote a lot about the character, he described in detail every trait of Kaoru: his appearance, his beautiful eyes, his not very full but refined lips. Kaoru wasn’t very tall; he was very delicate and sensitive. Kaoru loves animals and when he laughed, everyone wanted to smile in response. Kaoru was like the sunshine, people around were drawn towards him, to bask in the warm rays of his gentle eyes. Kaoru was very kind and compassionate. He believed on the good of people, he maybe a little bit naïve, but it was part of his charm.
Jin lovingly described what Kaoru liked and what he disliked. He devoted all his time to Kaoru. It was like an obsession. Jin wrote without rest, as if he was afraid to miss something and then the idea of Kaoru would be incomplete.
But after having finished a few chapters, Jin was in despair. He felt like he was being sucked into a huge hole, a hole full of emptiness and nothingness. He did not know what to write anymore.
After few weeks in severe depression, he bought a laptop and started typing a different story. It was a simple love story about two young people who gave up everything to be with each other.
With his novel on hand, he knocked at the doors of many a publisher just to be denied. Finally went into a small firm headed by a young man in argyle sweater with a big nose. The man had a very prepossessing appearance and with a perspicacious stare, he took the novel and promised to read it.
Jin could only wait and hope that the man in the argyle sweater would find his novel interesting, or at least worthy of attention. The next evening, the phone rang shrilly throughout his little apartment. He picked up the phone and heard a calm voice. The called introduced himself as Nakamaru, his new editor and Jin now had work and very soon his book would be on the shelves of all bookstores in the country.
Jin was stunned by the news and just stood there for a while until the pain from clutching the telephone receiver so hard made itself known. Now he was a real writer and people would be reading his books.
Jin’s first book became a bestseller. After few months, he wrote another one and the new book was even more successful. With every book Jin got more famous, his name was on everyone's lips, critic laud to the skies his extraordinary writing style, the fans admired his soulful, touching love stories. Jin basked in the glory, enjoying success and wealth.
After 10 years, Jin was still one of the most respectable and famous Japanese writers around the world. There were awards, interviews, a few TV talk-shows and his books, all bestsellers. He was at the peak of his career and in the depths of despair after another painful break up.
Despite Jin’s popularity, wealth and attractive appearance, he was doomed to constant failure in his personal life. He couldn’t build any lasting relationship. Jin wasn’t a playboy or the kind of man who liked spending his time, having fun and running away from serious relationships. It maybe was true once upon a time when he was younger, but no longer.
Jin was 28 years old and he wants to be loved, to have a home where he can return and a precious person who will wait for him. But no matter what he did, no matter how he loved his partner in the end he was left alone, not fully understanding what he did wrong. They always told him the same thing: “You didn’t love me enough!” or “I’m not what you are waiting for”.
Jin felt lost, alone in his now huge and modern apartment in the middle of Tokyo.
So Jin poured his troubles to his psychologist, Ueda who listened to Jin’s whole story about his life as told by Jin. Jin was really uncomfortable, trying to find right words. He even told Ueda that he will just write about his life and have Ueda read about it, but the doctor declined. According to him, Jin needed to talk this out, his blankness and inability to communicate personally, he needed to say it out loud not write it on paper. Jin felt naked like this and had the urge to cover himself with his notebook and write everything there. Listening to the insecure man before him ranting had Ueda doubting if the man was really the famous writer Akanishi. But Ueda is nothing but professional and it was his duty to help his patient, so they tried to find the most comfortable and safest topic they could talk about so that Jin would open up.
And they found it in Kaoru. Jin spoke for hours about Kaoru, about his character, about Kaoru preferences, how Kaoru loved listening to stories, and how he hated reading, how Kaoru loved helping animals where if he saw some little wounded bird, he would even start crying and will help to poor bird. The expression on Jin’s face was of pure adoration.
Once, Ueda asked how old Kaoru was in Jin’s story: “He is young, no longer a baby, but not yet an adult”.
“Why can’t you finish this novel?”- Ueda asked Ueda.
At the question, Jin became sad and a doomed expression appeared on his face. “I can’t. I just can’t.”
The following words of the psychologist made Jin freeze, shock-eyed staring at one spot with unblinking eyes which scared Ueda a bit.
“You created an ideal. And you compared your every partner to this ideal, which your partners does not hold a candle to. I believe that if you finish this book you will feel freer and it will help you as this story meant so much to you. I’m sure you can do it”
Jin wanted to believe in Ueda’s words because every person needed to believe in something to go on, they need to hope so that they could go on and make everything alright. When Jin found the house in Cornwall, he had a strange feeling. He felt that it was the perfect place, the place where he can finish Kaoru’s story.
*~*~*
His footsteps echoed on the wooden stairs, reverberating through the empty house where no one lived for so many years. Jin opened the door to the big room and entered, looking around. Antique furniture, luxurious drapes, crystal chandeliers. The house bewitched him, tantalizing him more and more. The high ceilings, the arched doorways, the magnificent paintings on the walls were truly magnificent. Jin sat on a sofa drinking the sight, enjoying the atmosphere.
He settled comfortably, watching how the driver entered the house with his suitcase and a bag containing a computer. The sky was pretty overcast the whole day, but when somebody opened the dusty window, the sun came out of the clouds, momentarily blinding Jin. Jin saw this as an augury that he will be able to write and finish Kaoru’s story here. It took the housekeeper and two other people a few days to clean the house making it more livable, making Jin breath more freely without sneezing. He had an awful allergy to dust. The housekeeper was a very nice woman who lived in the village. She was very friendly, with round cheeks and warm little hands. She told Jin that she would come twice during the week to help him. She even pinched his cheeks telling him that he was so skinny and that next time she will bring her best apple pie.
*~*~*
Jin was finally alone in a clean house after moving in. The house smelled like the coniferous gel that the housekeeper used in washing the floors. Jin sat in the sofa near the big fireplace, the firewood cracked with a hiss, he looked at the fire without blinking. It was dancing some mysterious dance and Jin felt how his eyelids became heavy and making him want to sleep. He yawned and decided to go to the bedroom, sleeping on the couch would be too painful for his back. He will take a good rest today for tomorrow he will start to write.
His bedroom was on the second floor. Jin entered the room which had a big four-poster bed. He undressed and lay down, snuggling the pillows under the covers. Jin heard the monotonous ticking of the old grandfather clock in the living room; a few minutes later he fell asleep.
*~*~*
He awoke to the sound of the sea waves, the sunbeams gently caressed his face. Slowly he opened his eyes, noticing the boy who sat near him playing with a little turtle. A gentle smile graced his face as he continued to observe his brother.
-Ren!- the smaller boy said, counting the turtle’s legs.
-Hmm, - a lazy response, it was so good just lying down doing nothing.
-I think it would be great to be turtle! - the boy said thoughtfully.
Ren started laughing looking at his brother’s funny expression.
-Why do you want to be a turtle? You resemble more like the little kitten that our gardener found yesterday.
-Because turtles have shells- he answered matter of factly, annoyed that Ren couldn’t understand such a simple thing himself.
-So? - Ren looked at him, puzzled; sometimes it was difficult to follow his younger brother’s train of thought.
-So that if it will thunder again today, I can just hide in my shell…- A tinge of embarrassment and sadness could be heard in his voice.
Ren messed Kaoru’s black hair. He remembered how he found his brother yesterday, trembling and in horror because of a loud thunder.
-Silly! You don’t need a shell, you can always come to me and I will hide you…- he said gently.
Kaoru was afraid of thunder and yesterday Ren had to stretch his imagination and tell stories to his little brother to distract him. They sat on a blanket and Ren told numerous stories before Kaoru finally fell asleep.
*~*~*
Jin opened his eyes. The strange dream still lingered in his memory. The dream felt so real and Jin was doubly shocked because he was sure that it was Kaoru who was in his dreams, the Kaoru whom Jin created in his unfinished book.
Jin sat in front of the laptop, waiting for the document to open. There was a cup of fresh coffee in his hand and a cheese sandwich in a plate near the laptop. He took a bite and started typing. In the huge room which Jin made his study, only the clacking of the keyboard could be heard.
*~*~*
This story took place many years ago, at the turn of the last century. The main character was Jonathan Black, the most eccentric Lord in all of England. He was very rich and famous. It was because of his lifestyle which distinguished Lord Black from the whole standoffish, snobbish English high society. And then after a few years of travelling around the world, Lord Black returned married to an exotic-looking woman named Aya. The ton expressed outrage at the blatant disregard of the rules of the noble society. But Lord Black didn’t react to any of it and retreated to his mansion in Cornwall with his beloved wife.
After a few years, the ton began to indulgently at Lord Black’s marriage, saying that his wife was a very nice woman from Japan, where the people are not wild and uncouth as they thought in the beginning. Lord Black didn’t care about other people’s opinion; he was crazy in love with his wife and was in seventh heaven after she gave birth to two sons two years apart.
Lord Black was loyal to his family and his love for his wife reached its pinnacle when he gave both his sons Japanese names. This had the prudes of London boiling in indignation. He named the older son Ren and youngest Kaoru. His sweet wife loved these names and he loved everything that she loved.
Lord Black lived with his happy family in his splendid mansion in Cornwall. But this happiness did not last long. After ten years, his wife succumbed to her illness. The severe climate of Cornwall wreaked havoc on her very fragile health and after fighting illnesses that followed one after the other, she died on a cold winter day. She left her sons and a husband who was crushed and lost all purpose in life.
Not long after the funeral, Lord Black packed his suitcase and started travelling again. He left his remaining family with no definite date when he will be back. He committed to memory the images of his beloved sons the day he left. The older boy’s eyes were calmer but the father can see in his brown orbs, which resembled so much his mother’s, anxiety. He was holding firmly his younger brother’s hand, who was hiding behind Ren’s back. His heart ached for Kaoru, who inherited the fragile health from his mother. It was too painful for the Lord to stay in this home because everything reminded of the happiness that he could never ever have again.
He left his sons under the strict supervision of a nurse and a priest, but in reality they were left to themselves. The Black Manor was near the ocean, so every day after their lessons with the priest finished, the boys ran to the rocky beach, where they spent the remaining of the day. They played with the stones and rocks. Kaoru would look for different little animals and took care of them. Ren read his books and afterwards retell everything to Kaoru because the younger boy didn’t like reading. And besides, he told Ren that the story was always more beautiful and interesting if the latter told it to him. Their life in the countryside was peaceful, the brothers became even more inseparable.
Kaoru’s health was very fragile, much like his mother’s. A simple cold would leave him bedridden for days. Ren would always be with his brother, telling him stories, singing him songs, distracting and cheering him up. Kaoru hated spending time in bed and only Ren could persuade Kaoru to stay put and take his medicine. Ren always took care of his brother, bearing the responsibility of a parent and loving him dearly.
*~*~*
Jin rubbed his eyes with a sigh. He threw a look outside the window and saw that it was already dark. Like always, when he had started writing, he forgot about everything. Near his laptop, he saw the empty mug and the plate with the partially eaten sandwich. Ueda had told him that this was a very irresponsible attitude. He should not forget to eat especially when he’s busy, that Jin should take better care of himself.
Jin made himself another sandwich. He looked at his watch, it was already 2 in the morning. This watch was a present from Haruhi, his girlfriend, no, ex-girlfriend. When she packed her clothes and left his flat, he could see the pain reflected in her eyes as if it was him who had dumped her when in reality it was the other way around. He saw tears in her eyes when she told him that their relationship was going nowhere and that she was not who Jin wanted.
How could she say that she knew what he wanted and what he didn’t? Haruhi was really nice and she was pretty, her body warm and his mom liked Haruhi. She told him that she couldn’t feel his love. Maybe Jin wasn’t a person who could show his feeling eloquently, that he was not a man of strong emotions but he appreciated her and enjoyed her presence. Jin took off the watch and threw it into the wastebasket. He didn’t want it anymore, no need for unnecessary reminders of memories best forgotten.
He decided to go for walk near the rocky beach on the morrow. The place was really beautiful and Jin didn’t regret leaving noisy Tokyo and going on this “insane and very expensive trip”, as how Nakamaru called it. But Jin had already made the first step towards finishing his favorite story, Kaoru’s.
*~*~*
Ren was near the entrance of their garden when he heard Jenny calling his name. He turned and looked at her with a smile. Jenny was the daughter of their doctor. Her skin was milky white and he could clearly see the noticeable curves of her supple body. Ren was 17 and her closeness excited him.
- Ren, - she said softly, a blush appeared on her peach-like cheeks, - I think I like you.
She threw Ren a hasty look and then held her face up, her eyes closed and rosy lips in a pout. Ren didn’t need a lot of time to understand her intention as he slowly bent down and kissed her.
When he finished the light kiss, her face was red and she ran away from Ren. He started laughing, his eyes following the running girl.
He didn’t notice Kaoru witnessing the scene, looking at them with a frown on his beautiful face.
Ren was reading in the huge study. Their father had sent him another packet of new novels and one of them was about pirates. Ren was sure that Kaoru would like to hear the story afterwards.
- Ren. - he didn’t hear Kaoru enter the room. His attention was on his brother’s anxious face, how anxiety filled the 15-year old boy’s face.
-What’s wrong? Are you feeling bad? - Ren put the book aside and stood near Kaoru, placing a hand on his forehead. He prayed that Kaoru didn’t catch a cold again.
Kaoru pushed Ren’s hand away which earned a surprised look from his brother.
-Kaoru, tell me what is wrong…- Ren started worriedly but Kaoru didn’t give him a chance to finish his sentence when he kissed him forcefully on the lips. Ren was taken aback, his eyes were wide open.
-What are you doing, Kaoru?
-I’m kissing you.- was the grumpy response, the boy’s chin was trembling.
-You can’t kiss me. - Ren voice was severe. And Kaoru exclaimed, his arms akimbo:
-Why that cow can and I can’t? You love her more than me? - Ren saw tears in Kaoru’s eyes and tried to calm down his brother.
-Of course I love you. You are my brother. And don’t call Jenny a cow, she is a nice girl. - Ren took Kaoru’s hand giving him a reassuring smile.
-She is not! You are my brother and don’t kiss her anymore, - angry tears rolled down his cheeks.
-Ok, please don’t cry. I won’t kiss her ever again. - Ren was gently hugging the crying boy and patting his hair lovingly.
He didn’t understand why Kaoru did it but he still can feel the taste of Kaoru’s lips on his.
*~*~*
When Jin woke up, he was embarrassed as if he was some voyeur peeping into other people’s lives. He went to the bathroom and washed his face. Looking at his reflection, he saw that his face was red and he couldn’t understand where the feelings came from.
After the first night in the house, Jin started dreaming. Every night he dreamed of Kaoru. He couldn’t understand why he had these detailed dreams about things that happened. He was at a loss whether it all stemmed from his need to finish Kaoru’s story or whether his subconscious was playing a trick on him.
Jin began to devote all his time to his book now, even when he was asleep he thought about his book. Maybe it was the reason, why it was already 5AM and he still couldn’t sleep. Jin lay in his huge bed, hoping that he would be able to sleep without dreams. We can hope, but not always our hopes implemented.
*~*~*
Ren was already asleep when he was jolted when a warm body slipped beside him. He opened one eye and uttered sleepily:
-Kaoru? Thunder? - the younger boy just nodded and snuggled closer to his brother, hiding his face on the pillow. The deafening clap of thunder broke the silence and lightning lit the room for a moment. Kaoru was trembling beside Ren and the latter tried to pat his head gently.
Kaoru had been afraid of thunders all his life and his fear was not like a normal person when jolted suddenly. It was more like a panic attack, every time there was thunder he would go into hysterics. Only Ren’s presence could calm him. Every time there was thunder, Ren would just hug Kaoru and Kaoru would automatically calm down and after a few minutes, he would already hear the peaceful breathing of his brother.
Ren looked at Kaoru’s face and then involuntarily glanced at his lips. He still remembered how they tasted, like chocolate because Kaoru was eating cake before he kissed him and like the sea because Kaoru loved the sea and spent too many hours wandering at the solitary beach with his many pets.
Kaoru had always worn a necklace. It was just a black ribbon with a little wooden turtle tied to it. Ren made it when Kaoru’s first pet died and the latter who was just a baby cried hard over his lost friend. When Ren put the ribbon around his 6-year old brother’s neck, the tears had dried and a smile appeared on the little pale face. Until now, Kaoru still wore it.
Ren closed his eyes, he was still sleepy but when he felt how Kaoru turned in his dream, his heart would start pounding like crazy. After the kiss, Kaoru acted like nothing happened so Ren just wrote it off as another one of his childish pranks. Kaoru was a very spoilt child, kind but really spoiled which Ren took the blame for. Kaoru was such a sickly child and spent more time lying in bed recuperating that Ren let him do whatever he wanted just because he wanted to see his brother smile. He, after all, took care of Kaoru after their mother’s death and their father’s departure and pampered him like no one else could.
But after the kiss, something changed and it scared Ren. The lightning lit the room once again and Ren could see the shadows danced. He could see his brother lying beside him. His brother who had a thin waist and hip with delicate curves so like a girl’s. He wanted to caress the fine line of that hipbone. Ren had the strange urge to touch his long white neck dotted with tiny moles. He could see his pulse beating. Ren suddenly felt inexplicably hot and his breathing came in loud pants. He looked at Kaoru’s trusting face, lips slightly parted, and Ren never felt so ashamed of his thoughts. He must purge these thoughts from his head. Forever.
*~*~*
Jin walked the rocky beach. And even though he was wrapped in a warm long coat, he could still feel the cold ocean wind seeping all the way to his bones. Jin started writing Kaoru’s story 10 years ago but after the beginning of the book, he had no idea how to continue with the story. Jin was a novelist. He wrote about love, about relationships but he had a hard time with Kaoru’s story. He couldn’t find the right character opposite Kaoru. He started a lot of times, tried different plots and line, but everything seems wrong. He ended up tearing those to pieces.
And now he had found it, the perfect plot and the perfect character. In all his life as a writer, this idea gave him difficulty understanding and accepting it. He did not know how the idea came into his mind, brothers? It was wrong, sick even, but Jin already knew that only like this could he finish Kaoru’s story. Only with Kaoru and Ren’s love story.
*~*~*
Jonathan Black returned home to his manor one sunny day, bringing boxes of souvenirs. In his face was a smile so wide as he pressed his sons to his chest. He was happy to be home again.
Life in the Black Manor was turned upside down. Ren and Kaoru looked in amazement at the different trophies that their father brought home. There were luxurious and splendid silken Persian carpets that changed colors depending on the angle that you looked from, the different figures made of leather probably from Africa, the thinnest of Egyptian papyrus, the golden sphinx and the most beautiful fan made from pavonin. Kaoru touched the fan that looked so unreal. He asked his father if he could have it. He was bewitched of the colors and the texture of the fan.
Lord Black brought a lot of beautiful but peculiar and sometimes odd things, like the statue of a god with a lot of hands and the books with covers paved with sapphire, diamonds, pearls and gold.
The most unbelievable present was waiting in the big park, a young midnight-black Arabian thoroughbred. When Kaoru noticed the elegant animal, his heart stated racing, forgetting about the fan. He wanted it, he wanted the beautiful animal.
But the animal was yet untamed, therefore, Lord Black forbade his fragile son to come near the dangerous animal. But Kaoru didn’t want to give up. He really wanted to have the horse.
They spent days listening to Lord Black’s stories about his adventures. He told them that one day he will take both Ren and Kaoru with him. They had to see with their own eyes how great the world was outside of foggy Albion.
Lord Black looked at his sons proudly who promised to grow up as good men. He worried about Kaoru’s health and brought from overseas a special medicine which he must take to make his cough during the cold season easier.
He was a father who hadn’t seen his sons for a good few years and he missed those years that they were growing up. He looked at his boys. He thought that they would still be the same children that he left alone in the Black Manor years ago, when he was trying to find a place that would erase his pain.
But they had changed, and if he didn’t notice it, it didn’t mean that they were still the same.
Kaoru and Ren walked near the ocean almost every day, they talked about everything, joked with each other and played different games. Ren loved chess, Kaoru preferred cards.
Lord Black was that kind of father that if he was far away, he would try to hide his thoughts of his children as far as he could, and focused on his own life. But if he felt their presence, he would want to be a better father.
Once during dinner, he announced:
-Ren! You are going to London!
Silence fell around the table, and contently rubbing his hands, he continued:
-You are already 18 and you have to finish your education in London, learn how to live in society and be my successor. I know this idea will make you happy, don’t thank me, just show to these snobbish conservatives what a man from Black family is.
He winked at his who just looked at him confusion and started eating his next dish. Lord Black had shown again how eccentric he could be. He would be sending his older son to the open mouth of the conservative and snobbish high society of London that he despised and ignored before. Maybe he started thinking about the future of his son and wanted to choose the best future there was for the smart and intelligent Ren.
For his younger son, who was a bit reckless, he wanted to stay with him. He was afraid to let Kaoru from the safe walls of his house. Kaoru had a very complicated nature: he had a very kind heart, he spent all his life near the ocean walking through the rocky beach, he was to naïve for the world, and maybe a bit wild, this Lord Black could understand very well and he wanted to protect his son.
He decided to separate his sons who were inseparable before without thinking of the consequences of his radical decision.
*~*~*
Jin looked at the last word that he typed, satisfied with the results. He spent a few hours sitting in front of his laptop and now his back was aching alarmingly. Maybe it was time to rest.
Jin went to the kitchen and opened the white fridge, the nice housekeeper had left as she had promised left a plate of her special apple pie. It was delicious and he took the last piece and made tea for himself.
It was already late, the sky was pitch black and Jin couldn’t see any stars. The sky looked like a black abyss, he shivered at the strange comparison that came to his mind.
He needed to make a few calls. One to his mother, she worriedly asked if he was eating and if his back was troubling him. She knew that her son was writer and she was very proud but his sitting style left something to be desired of. She reminded him of his brother’s wedding next month and that he must have finished his work and return home. She even complained that he supposed should be the first to get married seeing that he is the eldest son, but girls ran from him because he was engaged to his work. He chuckled at her harping, thinking that no matter how old you get your mother’s voice would always have a warm effect on you and could make you homesick.
The next call was to Nakamaru. He hadn’t told him that the book would have an unconventional love story. It wasn’t easy for Jin, he could already imagine how Nakamaru would be nervously rubbing his nose while listening to Jin attempt to explain his idea. Jin put down the phone and decided that he would just write Nakamaru a long mail.
*~*~*
Ren had already finished packing. This would be the last night that he would inside this house for a very long time. On the morrow his journey towards another life would start. He was still confused over his father’s decision. It was difficult to leave the place where he had grown up and at the same time he was excited going to into the unknown.
Thinking about Kaoru was troubling him. He had already started missing his brother and he felt lost. How would he manage living without Kaoru. But what bothered him most was that Kaoru would be left alone in the manor, without Ren. Their father told them that he had found a very good teacher for Kaoru. He had met him in Japan. He was a scientist and had a degree in biology. The teacher would arrive in a few months so Kaoru wouldn’t have time to be bored.
Ren sat on his bed balling his fists as tightly as he could, he wanted to run away. He wanted to run from Kaoru, from the feelings that the younger boy awoke in him. Ren needed all his will to control the sudden urge to touch him, to kiss his lips and to hold him tight. It was wrong, he knew it very well and we would fought this strange desire tooth and nail.
It was the summer time and yesterday, they were swimming in the ocean. And when he saw Kaoru’s smooth skin, the gentle curve of his back, the line of his thin waist, the long neck, he could not take his eyes off. And when Kaoru unconsciously licked his lips, Ren swallowed hard and tried to tear his eyes away from his brother.
With each passing day, Kaoru became more beautiful and tempting for Ren. When he lay on the same blanket with Ren, blabbering about the Arabian horse whom he called Kaze, their father told them that it meant wind in Japanese and Kaoru simply loved the name, Kaoru had no idea of the storm of emotions that was swirling inside his brother’s chest and how his closeness and cold toes which sometimes touch with Ren’s affected his brother.
He heard his door opening, there was only one person who would do that. Kaoru. Ren raised his head to look at his brother.
- I’m done packing. I will be reading for a little bit then I’m going to sleep. You should too, Kaoru. Go to sleep or you won’t be able to wake up early to see me off tomorrow. - Ren wanted to sound nonchalant. He noticed Kaoru’s expression though.
Kaoru could never hide his emotions. He was very silent, his beautiful eyes full of sad emotions. When he started speaking, his voice trembled from suppressing the sadness that was growing inside of him because of Ren’s departure.
-Don’t go, - Kaoru implored.
- Don’t be a baby, Kaoru. You know that I must go. It’s father’s decision. It won’t be for a long time - he tried to calm Kaoru down, feeling anything but calm himself.
- Two years? It’s not long for you? - he could hear the accusation in Kaoru’s quivering voice.
- I will return for holidays and write you long letters. I know you don’t like it but write me long letters too. I want to know how you are here and Kaze and your turtles and that cute puppy that you found a few days ago.
He wanted to be sure that everything would be alright with Kaoru. Ren didn’t want to leave his brother behind, remembering the anxiety and uneasiness in his eyes.
Kaoru walked towards Ren. He was so close that Ren could see the shadow that his long eyelashes cast on his face. Kaoru looked at him with intense eyes, when he said the next words his voice wasn’t trembling anymore.
- I love you, Ren. - he looked expectantly at Ren.
Ren smiled, messing Kaoru’s thick locks.
- I love you too, Kaoru. You are my one and only baby brother.
Kaoru pushed Rens’s hand away. His eyes were determined when he uttered the words again, like he wanted the words to sink under Ren’s skin.
- I love you, Ren. - his eyes shone, lips parted, cheeks red as if he had high fever. Ren felt how something was crushed inside of him. He had only one desire at that moment: to run away.
He wanted to turn away when Kaoru pressed himself firmly against Ren’s body and kissed him. It was a different kiss, not even reminiscent of the first one. It was a childlike claiming kiss. Ren froze on the spot, feeling dry hot lips on his. Kaoru wanted to say everything through the kiss, to make Ren understand how scared. Lonely and lost he felt, how he would miss Ren. And how much he loves him, passionately, desperately, hopelessly.
When they parted, Kaoru hugged Ren tightly, not giving him any chance to run away. Ren felt how Kaoru trembled and shivered as he hugged him. He kissed Kaoru in the forehead; he was hot, fever again. He helped Kaoru lie on his bed.
The whole night he held Kaoru’s body which quaked from the fever, the hot puffs of his breath on Ren’s neck. He was mumbling and Ren soothingly caressed his back, whispering words that Kaoru needed.
- You will not forget me, right, Ren? - Such despair could be heard on the boy’s voice.
-Never, Kaoru.
- Don’t ever let anybody else kiss you, Ren! - another hot whisper and Kaoru snuggled closer.
-I would never.
- Don’t tell anyone stories like you do me. - a hand was placed on Ren’s cheek, hot dry hand.
-I promise.
-Love only me, Ren! Only me! I will wait for you! - Eyes shone feverishly in the darkness like lonely stars.
Ren was silent. He felt a lump in his throat and he couldn’t utter anything.
Even without saying it out loud, Ren knew that he would love Kaoru all his life.
*~*~*
When Jin opened his eyes, his heart was pounding. The strange nagging feeling in his chest didn’t let go. He stood up and felt how his pajamas were glued to his torso. He had sweated badly during his sleep. He looked at the thermometer, the temperature of the bedroom was too high, hence the heat. Jin tried to change the setting to make the room less stuffy but it seemed that the thing was broken. Jin had to open the windows, letting the chilly breeze penetrate the room.
Jin felt so tired, even more tired than before he went to sleep. Lately, even in his sleep he was being haunted by Kaoru’s story.
The last dream was so vivid, full of colors and Jin can even discern the smells and the sounds. He never in his life had so realistic dreams and it frightened him and excited him at the same time. He wanted to understand why he was having this dreams. He wanted to know the source of these dreams. Even then, these dreams helped him a lot. The story was going forward and every day he made another step towards the end of the novel. But at the same time, he wanted to understand, to get to the bottom of everything.
What bothered Jin the most was Ren’s character. Was it Jin’s imagination that created Ren or something else? He was puzzled how easy it was for him to write about the character, his desires, insecurities and feelings. Why did Jin felt that Ren was closer to him than he could fathom?
Jin knew very well that in novels the author often creates a character that in some way resembles himself, who would express his point of view. Jin thought that in this story Kaoru would be his voice but it was his error. Maybe it was the reason why he couldn’t finish the story even after ten years.
And Kaoru, with every dream and every moment that Jin spent on writing about him, he opened new sides of the character. Even then he was an enigma to Jin even if he was the one who created him.
Kaoru was perfect. He was very gentle. He has all the character traits that enraptured Jin in people but he was also free, emotional, sometimes reckless yet very deep, ungovernable yet natural in his impulses and reactions. He was a walking contradiction and absolutely perfect in his imperfection.
Jin dried his wet hair and wrapped a towel around his hips as he went to the kitchen. He poured took a glass of cold water from the fridge and drank unhurriedly. He wasn’t sure what time it was in Tokyo but he needed to talk to somebody. He dialed a number and a few seconds later he heard a calm voice answering the call from the other side of the world.
-Yes.
- Hello, it’s me. - Jin made himself comfortable on the coach, the dying embers in the fireplace quietly hissed.
- Jin, how are you? How do you find England? Ueda’s voice was always calm, his calmness spread towards Jin’s raw nerves.
-It’s really good. - Jin answered quietly.
- My cousin recommended the place. He’s photographer, traveling around the world. He would be having an exhibition of his work by the time you return to Japan. I’ll give you an invitation. He told me that the view on that part of the country is fantastic. - A pause, they both knew that Jin did not call for a polite chitchat.
- What’s bothering you Jin? - came Ueda’s professional voice.
- I’m having these dreams… - Jin’s voice sounded uneasy.
-Nightmares?
- No, about my book. But they are so realistic and I see them every night. - Jin’s grip on the phone became tighter.
-About your book? I see…- a short pause and then Ueda continued in his most professional tone that most often than not reassured Jin.
- You know Jin, there is this very famous theory by Freud about dreams. He said that your dreams can be impressions of your day like when you think too much about your book that even in your dreams your subconscious thinking will manifest itself. Sometimes, it is also a manifestation of your desires, your hidden desires some of which you don’t even know of or acknowledge.
-You mean like some scenes of my book which I felt too realistic for comfort, - Jin swallowed, remembering the kiss from his dream.
A silence fell between them and then Ueda added:
- You should take a break from your writing, like go somewhere and... - Jin heard the voice of Ueda’s secretary telling him of that his appointment had arrived.
-I need to go, Jin. Call me anytime you need to. Jin closed his phone and looked at his laptop. Impressions, thoughts… Maybe… He had been thinking about Kaoru for the last ten years and maybe even before. For Jin, the best distraction from his dreams was to write and so Jin opened his laptop and began to write anew.
*~*~*
Ren wrote Kaoru very long letters almost every week. He would tell Kaoru everything that happened to him since the last time he wrote. He told him about London, about the long trip that he made and what he saw during said trip. He tried to make it more interesting knowing how easily Kaoru get bored reading very long letters. He wanted Kaoru to like it, to know the things as he knew them.
Ren missed his him, missed his time with Kaoru, missed their closeness and the smile of his brother that was only for him. He had never left home before and it wasn’t easy for Ren leaving. He started his education and found new friends. People found him exotic, the son of Lord Black and his exotic wife. Ren was welcomed everywhere. He was, after all, the son of a very rich noble. And Ren could be charming, if he wants to.
Sometimes, Kaoru wrote to Ren too. Not very long letters more like notes from different days and moments in Kaoru’s life put together as a missive. He wrote about Kaze, of how he would be able to ride the horse. And that the new teacher had arrived in the Manor. He was Japanese and would teach Kaoru Japanese and a lot of other interesting things.
Kaoru’s letters sounded excited and Ren was happy that their father found a good person to be near Kaoru, even if it made hi jealous that someone else would take his place in making Kaoru smile and happy.
They never mentioned the kiss that happened before Ren’s departure in their letters. Kaoru ends his every letter with the words:
Love and wait, your Kaoru.
While Ren always finished his letters with:
With love, your brother Ren.
Ren found new friends and they often sat in company telling each other stories and jokes. Once, his friend asked him to tell them about the book that Ren had just finished reading, Ren opened his mouth and closed it again. Kaoru’s farewell words rang in his ears:
“Don’t tell anyone stories like you do me.”
And Ren wanted to keep even just one of the promises that he made to Kaoru.
Time passed and it was the holidays. Ren wanted to return home as he had promised Kaoru. But on the last day of the term, his friend, one of the golden youths of the London society invited him to a celebration. They were sure that Ren would be invited too. It was a very loud party, a party with wine and women, where they could do and have everything they want. Ren was already drank when he felt how warm hands pushed him towards the closed door; he was surprised how he found himself in bed with a woman all over him. She wasn’t tall; she had a thin waist and brown hair. Ren closed his eyes and he saw Kaoru. With every kiss, with every touch he felt only Kaoru. He whispered Kaoru’s name while his hands wandered on the girl’s body. He was lost in sensation, lost in his lust for Kaoru.
The next day, Ren returned his train ticket and during the two years he spent in London, he never visited home.
Kaoru waited. He waited every day, watching the road towards the huge iron gates; he waited desperately, his heart full of hope and love. It would be the day that Kaoru would confess to his brother, hoping that Ren would not push him away. It would his sheer heaven.
Kaoru never doubted his feelings for Ren. He loved him wholeheartedly, unreservedly with all the passion that his young heart could muster. He didn’t see anything wrong in his love for his brother. But Ren didn’t return home that time, not even during Christmas or the other holidays. Kaoru was almost 18 when they received scandalous news from London. Ren had some love affair with a beautiful and famous actress in London. His father laughed it off, remembering that when he was in Ren’s age, he was also naughty. Kaoru never felt the pain as he clasped the wine glass with such power that it broke to pieces. Wine melded with blood in Kaoru’s wounded palm.
Kaoru then decided that he didn’t want to feel anything anymore.
*~*~*
Jin stopped typing and fixed his gaze at the last sentence. He felt it too, that awful moment, ten years ago. His fingers impatiently tapped on the table; inhale, exhale and nothing. His mind was blank again.
The ground on which he trod was unfamiliar. He continued looking at the white laptop screen, where the next words were to be written. But he couldn’t. It was only the middle of the day and Jin didn’t feel tired yet. His plan for the day was to write and write without pause. Maybe a little walk would help.
The wind was again severe. It seemed that in this coast, the wind was always piercing. Jin wrapped a wide scarf around his neck, trying to protect his face from the sand that the wind lifted from the ground.
Jin found a branch, not very long and sturdy enough. He wrote two names in the sand: Ren and Kaoru. Jin had never wrote about love between men before and truth be told never experienced it either. There were times during conferences or parties that he would notice eyes on himself, but he was never interested in pursuing it. He had a few gay friends and he knew that it was not such a big deal but he felt nervous writing about them. He was not educated enough in their ways. The thing that bothered him most was that the main characters of his story were brothers. He had heard and read that there was no barrier with love but the idea itself sounded wrong. And what bothered him all the more was how and why Ren and Kaoru fell in love with each other. Why Kaoru never doubted his feelings and was so sure that he was right in loving Ren as Ren was trying to come into grips with his feelings by fighting it?
Two boys who lost their mother at a very young age, and in a way their father too, were absolutely alone with only each other. With only each other’s support and warmth, understanding and needing each other. Jin tried to find an explanation but sometimes love had no explanations, it just happened.
He felt that his story had hit a snag and he prayed that it would disappear soon.
*~*~*
Ren couldn’t believe himself. He was home, after two years away he was finally back. His father hugged him tightly and patted his shoulder fondly. Ren was happy to be home. But most of all, he wanted to see Kaoru. His father told him that Kaoru was on the beach. Ren smiled and made his way toward Kaoru and meet him halfway.
The moment he saw Kaoru, he held his breath. He wasn’t sure if he had changed a lot during the two years he was away, but Kaoru did. His long black hair which reached his shoulder fluttered in the wind and hit his face while he was riding a gorgeous black horse at full speed. Kaoru was no longer that boy with sharp angles and clumsy movements. Ren saw a man with sparkling eyes confidently holding the reins, riding the horse bent down close to Kaze’s neck.
Ren watched his handsome brother who gracefully jumped off the horse. Ren wanted to call his name but he heard his laughter. Even his laughter had changed; his voice became lower with new notes that Ren didn’t remember he had before.
Kaoru was laughing and smiling, but to someone else, Ren noticed a man who was leaning on the rock, his hands crossed in his chest, a grey horse standing nearby. The man noticed Ren before Kaoru did and pointed Ren with a nod to his direction. Ren felt uncomfortable. He had no idea where this strange feeling came from.
Kaoru slowly turned his head which seemed like an eternity for Ren. Their eyes met. All the fear and worries disappeared from Ren’s exhausted and suffering heart. It was Kaoru, his Kaoru. The next thing he knew, Kaoru was running towards him with arms open and embraced him tightly. Ren hugged his brother and hid his face on his hair. He smelled him, he had the same smell as his Kaoru, like the sea and something sweet.
- Ren, you are back! - Kaoru pushed away his brother gently, examining Ren’s face, his voice full of emotions and sounded so differently. This was no longer his baby brother, Ren noted with light sadness.
-I’m back, - Ren voice was trembling; he couldn’t hide his emotions.
-Kaoru, I think you should introduce us, - the way the man pronounced his brother’s name grated on Ren’s ears. He said it softly, in the Japanese manner, and followed the wide smile on Kaoru’s face.
-Of course, this is my brother Ren, - Ren noticed how the stranger’s eyes became darker, so flitting that it might have been his imagination, - and this is my friend and teacher. I wrote you about him, Nishikido Ryo.
A hand was offered for shaking, Ren reached out and shook the man’s hand and felt a strong grip.
-Nice to meet you,-Ren said politely.
-My pleasure, - Ryo answered and Ren look at the dark eyes, feeling uneasy.
*~*~*
Jin yawned, stretching a little bit, the couch was really uncomfortable. He was reading a book about Ancient times when he fell asleep. The book was lying on the floor. Jin needed coffee and something to eat. It wasn’t evening yet and he knew what he would write now.
PART 2
Pairing: Akame, Ryokame
Rating: R (for mystery, incest romance, double timeline)
Summary: AU, Jin finds a perfect place, where he will finish his book. But every night he dreamed . His dreams became too real and the thin line between reality and make believer began to evaporate. He could no longer separate the dream from reality.
Notes: I want to say thank you to my saviors, for encouragement and kind words and to my beta, because she is the best.
Garou - Je n'attendais que vous
The dull landscape passed by like the reels of a movie moving fast forward, the autumn sky promised of rain, and the melancholic music in the player did not make the mood better. As the car slowly traversed along the road, Jin wearily rubbed his temples. The road seemed endless. A large house, built of dark grey stones, loomed in the distance. A massive ornate iron gate swung open as the black car passed though. The driver opened the door to the new Mercedes, allowing Jin to get out of the car. A fresh breeze of the cool morning pleasantly tickled his nostrils and Jin sighed deeply, immediately he felt better.
The house was in the Cornwall, in southwest England. This place was the land of Celtic legends and to some this was the homeland of the legendary King Arthur.
He glanced around the stately home in front of him. The house looked just like Jin imagined. The house had stood here for centuries and many generations succeeded and lived within its walls. When Jin saw it on the brochure, he felt that he should come here. The house beckoned him, promising him something, and Jin wanted to believe that here he will find the something that he had been looking for so long, his inspiration - And to finally finish his masterpiece.
With deliberate steps, he walked along a path lined with heavy boulders and pushed the glass door, stepping inside. He felt a chill from somewhere in the depths of the house and goose bumps ran down his spine. He could smell the dust and the dampness, the musty smell that only old houses had. The house needed so much work before it could be livable again. Fortunately for him, the housekeeper who he hired would come the next day and clean everything. While Jin walked the long hall of the house, a strange feeling appeared in the pit of his stomach. This house was exactly what he was searching for. He can finish his book here. He can feel the headache fading away and Jin already felt the burst of energy in his hand, his fingers couldn’t wait to touch the cool keyboard and start typing.
*~*~*
When Jin first started writing, he was only 18 years old. He always had a very rich imagination, picturesque scenes just pop into his mind. He also loved reading a lot and always could express his feelings better in paper than talking with people. He wasn’t shy really but when faced with people, all words and thoughts evaporate leaving his mind blank. But when he had a pen and paper, he could write long and eloquent discourses about his thoughts and feelings.
His first novel was a story of one hero - his name was Kaoru. Jin wrote a lot about the character, he described in detail every trait of Kaoru: his appearance, his beautiful eyes, his not very full but refined lips. Kaoru wasn’t very tall; he was very delicate and sensitive. Kaoru loves animals and when he laughed, everyone wanted to smile in response. Kaoru was like the sunshine, people around were drawn towards him, to bask in the warm rays of his gentle eyes. Kaoru was very kind and compassionate. He believed on the good of people, he maybe a little bit naïve, but it was part of his charm.
Jin lovingly described what Kaoru liked and what he disliked. He devoted all his time to Kaoru. It was like an obsession. Jin wrote without rest, as if he was afraid to miss something and then the idea of Kaoru would be incomplete.
But after having finished a few chapters, Jin was in despair. He felt like he was being sucked into a huge hole, a hole full of emptiness and nothingness. He did not know what to write anymore.
After few weeks in severe depression, he bought a laptop and started typing a different story. It was a simple love story about two young people who gave up everything to be with each other.
With his novel on hand, he knocked at the doors of many a publisher just to be denied. Finally went into a small firm headed by a young man in argyle sweater with a big nose. The man had a very prepossessing appearance and with a perspicacious stare, he took the novel and promised to read it.
Jin could only wait and hope that the man in the argyle sweater would find his novel interesting, or at least worthy of attention. The next evening, the phone rang shrilly throughout his little apartment. He picked up the phone and heard a calm voice. The called introduced himself as Nakamaru, his new editor and Jin now had work and very soon his book would be on the shelves of all bookstores in the country.
Jin was stunned by the news and just stood there for a while until the pain from clutching the telephone receiver so hard made itself known. Now he was a real writer and people would be reading his books.
Jin’s first book became a bestseller. After few months, he wrote another one and the new book was even more successful. With every book Jin got more famous, his name was on everyone's lips, critic laud to the skies his extraordinary writing style, the fans admired his soulful, touching love stories. Jin basked in the glory, enjoying success and wealth.
After 10 years, Jin was still one of the most respectable and famous Japanese writers around the world. There were awards, interviews, a few TV talk-shows and his books, all bestsellers. He was at the peak of his career and in the depths of despair after another painful break up.
Despite Jin’s popularity, wealth and attractive appearance, he was doomed to constant failure in his personal life. He couldn’t build any lasting relationship. Jin wasn’t a playboy or the kind of man who liked spending his time, having fun and running away from serious relationships. It maybe was true once upon a time when he was younger, but no longer.
Jin was 28 years old and he wants to be loved, to have a home where he can return and a precious person who will wait for him. But no matter what he did, no matter how he loved his partner in the end he was left alone, not fully understanding what he did wrong. They always told him the same thing: “You didn’t love me enough!” or “I’m not what you are waiting for”.
Jin felt lost, alone in his now huge and modern apartment in the middle of Tokyo.
So Jin poured his troubles to his psychologist, Ueda who listened to Jin’s whole story about his life as told by Jin. Jin was really uncomfortable, trying to find right words. He even told Ueda that he will just write about his life and have Ueda read about it, but the doctor declined. According to him, Jin needed to talk this out, his blankness and inability to communicate personally, he needed to say it out loud not write it on paper. Jin felt naked like this and had the urge to cover himself with his notebook and write everything there. Listening to the insecure man before him ranting had Ueda doubting if the man was really the famous writer Akanishi. But Ueda is nothing but professional and it was his duty to help his patient, so they tried to find the most comfortable and safest topic they could talk about so that Jin would open up.
And they found it in Kaoru. Jin spoke for hours about Kaoru, about his character, about Kaoru preferences, how Kaoru loved listening to stories, and how he hated reading, how Kaoru loved helping animals where if he saw some little wounded bird, he would even start crying and will help to poor bird. The expression on Jin’s face was of pure adoration.
Once, Ueda asked how old Kaoru was in Jin’s story: “He is young, no longer a baby, but not yet an adult”.
“Why can’t you finish this novel?”- Ueda asked Ueda.
At the question, Jin became sad and a doomed expression appeared on his face. “I can’t. I just can’t.”
The following words of the psychologist made Jin freeze, shock-eyed staring at one spot with unblinking eyes which scared Ueda a bit.
“You created an ideal. And you compared your every partner to this ideal, which your partners does not hold a candle to. I believe that if you finish this book you will feel freer and it will help you as this story meant so much to you. I’m sure you can do it”
Jin wanted to believe in Ueda’s words because every person needed to believe in something to go on, they need to hope so that they could go on and make everything alright. When Jin found the house in Cornwall, he had a strange feeling. He felt that it was the perfect place, the place where he can finish Kaoru’s story.
*~*~*
His footsteps echoed on the wooden stairs, reverberating through the empty house where no one lived for so many years. Jin opened the door to the big room and entered, looking around. Antique furniture, luxurious drapes, crystal chandeliers. The house bewitched him, tantalizing him more and more. The high ceilings, the arched doorways, the magnificent paintings on the walls were truly magnificent. Jin sat on a sofa drinking the sight, enjoying the atmosphere.
He settled comfortably, watching how the driver entered the house with his suitcase and a bag containing a computer. The sky was pretty overcast the whole day, but when somebody opened the dusty window, the sun came out of the clouds, momentarily blinding Jin. Jin saw this as an augury that he will be able to write and finish Kaoru’s story here. It took the housekeeper and two other people a few days to clean the house making it more livable, making Jin breath more freely without sneezing. He had an awful allergy to dust. The housekeeper was a very nice woman who lived in the village. She was very friendly, with round cheeks and warm little hands. She told Jin that she would come twice during the week to help him. She even pinched his cheeks telling him that he was so skinny and that next time she will bring her best apple pie.
*~*~*
Jin was finally alone in a clean house after moving in. The house smelled like the coniferous gel that the housekeeper used in washing the floors. Jin sat in the sofa near the big fireplace, the firewood cracked with a hiss, he looked at the fire without blinking. It was dancing some mysterious dance and Jin felt how his eyelids became heavy and making him want to sleep. He yawned and decided to go to the bedroom, sleeping on the couch would be too painful for his back. He will take a good rest today for tomorrow he will start to write.
His bedroom was on the second floor. Jin entered the room which had a big four-poster bed. He undressed and lay down, snuggling the pillows under the covers. Jin heard the monotonous ticking of the old grandfather clock in the living room; a few minutes later he fell asleep.
*~*~*
He awoke to the sound of the sea waves, the sunbeams gently caressed his face. Slowly he opened his eyes, noticing the boy who sat near him playing with a little turtle. A gentle smile graced his face as he continued to observe his brother.
-Ren!- the smaller boy said, counting the turtle’s legs.
-Hmm, - a lazy response, it was so good just lying down doing nothing.
-I think it would be great to be turtle! - the boy said thoughtfully.
Ren started laughing looking at his brother’s funny expression.
-Why do you want to be a turtle? You resemble more like the little kitten that our gardener found yesterday.
-Because turtles have shells- he answered matter of factly, annoyed that Ren couldn’t understand such a simple thing himself.
-So? - Ren looked at him, puzzled; sometimes it was difficult to follow his younger brother’s train of thought.
-So that if it will thunder again today, I can just hide in my shell…- A tinge of embarrassment and sadness could be heard in his voice.
Ren messed Kaoru’s black hair. He remembered how he found his brother yesterday, trembling and in horror because of a loud thunder.
-Silly! You don’t need a shell, you can always come to me and I will hide you…- he said gently.
Kaoru was afraid of thunder and yesterday Ren had to stretch his imagination and tell stories to his little brother to distract him. They sat on a blanket and Ren told numerous stories before Kaoru finally fell asleep.
*~*~*
Jin opened his eyes. The strange dream still lingered in his memory. The dream felt so real and Jin was doubly shocked because he was sure that it was Kaoru who was in his dreams, the Kaoru whom Jin created in his unfinished book.
Jin sat in front of the laptop, waiting for the document to open. There was a cup of fresh coffee in his hand and a cheese sandwich in a plate near the laptop. He took a bite and started typing. In the huge room which Jin made his study, only the clacking of the keyboard could be heard.
*~*~*
This story took place many years ago, at the turn of the last century. The main character was Jonathan Black, the most eccentric Lord in all of England. He was very rich and famous. It was because of his lifestyle which distinguished Lord Black from the whole standoffish, snobbish English high society. And then after a few years of travelling around the world, Lord Black returned married to an exotic-looking woman named Aya. The ton expressed outrage at the blatant disregard of the rules of the noble society. But Lord Black didn’t react to any of it and retreated to his mansion in Cornwall with his beloved wife.
After a few years, the ton began to indulgently at Lord Black’s marriage, saying that his wife was a very nice woman from Japan, where the people are not wild and uncouth as they thought in the beginning. Lord Black didn’t care about other people’s opinion; he was crazy in love with his wife and was in seventh heaven after she gave birth to two sons two years apart.
Lord Black was loyal to his family and his love for his wife reached its pinnacle when he gave both his sons Japanese names. This had the prudes of London boiling in indignation. He named the older son Ren and youngest Kaoru. His sweet wife loved these names and he loved everything that she loved.
Lord Black lived with his happy family in his splendid mansion in Cornwall. But this happiness did not last long. After ten years, his wife succumbed to her illness. The severe climate of Cornwall wreaked havoc on her very fragile health and after fighting illnesses that followed one after the other, she died on a cold winter day. She left her sons and a husband who was crushed and lost all purpose in life.
Not long after the funeral, Lord Black packed his suitcase and started travelling again. He left his remaining family with no definite date when he will be back. He committed to memory the images of his beloved sons the day he left. The older boy’s eyes were calmer but the father can see in his brown orbs, which resembled so much his mother’s, anxiety. He was holding firmly his younger brother’s hand, who was hiding behind Ren’s back. His heart ached for Kaoru, who inherited the fragile health from his mother. It was too painful for the Lord to stay in this home because everything reminded of the happiness that he could never ever have again.
He left his sons under the strict supervision of a nurse and a priest, but in reality they were left to themselves. The Black Manor was near the ocean, so every day after their lessons with the priest finished, the boys ran to the rocky beach, where they spent the remaining of the day. They played with the stones and rocks. Kaoru would look for different little animals and took care of them. Ren read his books and afterwards retell everything to Kaoru because the younger boy didn’t like reading. And besides, he told Ren that the story was always more beautiful and interesting if the latter told it to him. Their life in the countryside was peaceful, the brothers became even more inseparable.
Kaoru’s health was very fragile, much like his mother’s. A simple cold would leave him bedridden for days. Ren would always be with his brother, telling him stories, singing him songs, distracting and cheering him up. Kaoru hated spending time in bed and only Ren could persuade Kaoru to stay put and take his medicine. Ren always took care of his brother, bearing the responsibility of a parent and loving him dearly.
*~*~*
Jin rubbed his eyes with a sigh. He threw a look outside the window and saw that it was already dark. Like always, when he had started writing, he forgot about everything. Near his laptop, he saw the empty mug and the plate with the partially eaten sandwich. Ueda had told him that this was a very irresponsible attitude. He should not forget to eat especially when he’s busy, that Jin should take better care of himself.
Jin made himself another sandwich. He looked at his watch, it was already 2 in the morning. This watch was a present from Haruhi, his girlfriend, no, ex-girlfriend. When she packed her clothes and left his flat, he could see the pain reflected in her eyes as if it was him who had dumped her when in reality it was the other way around. He saw tears in her eyes when she told him that their relationship was going nowhere and that she was not who Jin wanted.
How could she say that she knew what he wanted and what he didn’t? Haruhi was really nice and she was pretty, her body warm and his mom liked Haruhi. She told him that she couldn’t feel his love. Maybe Jin wasn’t a person who could show his feeling eloquently, that he was not a man of strong emotions but he appreciated her and enjoyed her presence. Jin took off the watch and threw it into the wastebasket. He didn’t want it anymore, no need for unnecessary reminders of memories best forgotten.
He decided to go for walk near the rocky beach on the morrow. The place was really beautiful and Jin didn’t regret leaving noisy Tokyo and going on this “insane and very expensive trip”, as how Nakamaru called it. But Jin had already made the first step towards finishing his favorite story, Kaoru’s.
*~*~*
Ren was near the entrance of their garden when he heard Jenny calling his name. He turned and looked at her with a smile. Jenny was the daughter of their doctor. Her skin was milky white and he could clearly see the noticeable curves of her supple body. Ren was 17 and her closeness excited him.
- Ren, - she said softly, a blush appeared on her peach-like cheeks, - I think I like you.
She threw Ren a hasty look and then held her face up, her eyes closed and rosy lips in a pout. Ren didn’t need a lot of time to understand her intention as he slowly bent down and kissed her.
When he finished the light kiss, her face was red and she ran away from Ren. He started laughing, his eyes following the running girl.
He didn’t notice Kaoru witnessing the scene, looking at them with a frown on his beautiful face.
Ren was reading in the huge study. Their father had sent him another packet of new novels and one of them was about pirates. Ren was sure that Kaoru would like to hear the story afterwards.
- Ren. - he didn’t hear Kaoru enter the room. His attention was on his brother’s anxious face, how anxiety filled the 15-year old boy’s face.
-What’s wrong? Are you feeling bad? - Ren put the book aside and stood near Kaoru, placing a hand on his forehead. He prayed that Kaoru didn’t catch a cold again.
Kaoru pushed Ren’s hand away which earned a surprised look from his brother.
-Kaoru, tell me what is wrong…- Ren started worriedly but Kaoru didn’t give him a chance to finish his sentence when he kissed him forcefully on the lips. Ren was taken aback, his eyes were wide open.
-What are you doing, Kaoru?
-I’m kissing you.- was the grumpy response, the boy’s chin was trembling.
-You can’t kiss me. - Ren voice was severe. And Kaoru exclaimed, his arms akimbo:
-Why that cow can and I can’t? You love her more than me? - Ren saw tears in Kaoru’s eyes and tried to calm down his brother.
-Of course I love you. You are my brother. And don’t call Jenny a cow, she is a nice girl. - Ren took Kaoru’s hand giving him a reassuring smile.
-She is not! You are my brother and don’t kiss her anymore, - angry tears rolled down his cheeks.
-Ok, please don’t cry. I won’t kiss her ever again. - Ren was gently hugging the crying boy and patting his hair lovingly.
He didn’t understand why Kaoru did it but he still can feel the taste of Kaoru’s lips on his.
*~*~*
When Jin woke up, he was embarrassed as if he was some voyeur peeping into other people’s lives. He went to the bathroom and washed his face. Looking at his reflection, he saw that his face was red and he couldn’t understand where the feelings came from.
After the first night in the house, Jin started dreaming. Every night he dreamed of Kaoru. He couldn’t understand why he had these detailed dreams about things that happened. He was at a loss whether it all stemmed from his need to finish Kaoru’s story or whether his subconscious was playing a trick on him.
Jin began to devote all his time to his book now, even when he was asleep he thought about his book. Maybe it was the reason, why it was already 5AM and he still couldn’t sleep. Jin lay in his huge bed, hoping that he would be able to sleep without dreams. We can hope, but not always our hopes implemented.
*~*~*
Ren was already asleep when he was jolted when a warm body slipped beside him. He opened one eye and uttered sleepily:
-Kaoru? Thunder? - the younger boy just nodded and snuggled closer to his brother, hiding his face on the pillow. The deafening clap of thunder broke the silence and lightning lit the room for a moment. Kaoru was trembling beside Ren and the latter tried to pat his head gently.
Kaoru had been afraid of thunders all his life and his fear was not like a normal person when jolted suddenly. It was more like a panic attack, every time there was thunder he would go into hysterics. Only Ren’s presence could calm him. Every time there was thunder, Ren would just hug Kaoru and Kaoru would automatically calm down and after a few minutes, he would already hear the peaceful breathing of his brother.
Ren looked at Kaoru’s face and then involuntarily glanced at his lips. He still remembered how they tasted, like chocolate because Kaoru was eating cake before he kissed him and like the sea because Kaoru loved the sea and spent too many hours wandering at the solitary beach with his many pets.
Kaoru had always worn a necklace. It was just a black ribbon with a little wooden turtle tied to it. Ren made it when Kaoru’s first pet died and the latter who was just a baby cried hard over his lost friend. When Ren put the ribbon around his 6-year old brother’s neck, the tears had dried and a smile appeared on the little pale face. Until now, Kaoru still wore it.
Ren closed his eyes, he was still sleepy but when he felt how Kaoru turned in his dream, his heart would start pounding like crazy. After the kiss, Kaoru acted like nothing happened so Ren just wrote it off as another one of his childish pranks. Kaoru was a very spoilt child, kind but really spoiled which Ren took the blame for. Kaoru was such a sickly child and spent more time lying in bed recuperating that Ren let him do whatever he wanted just because he wanted to see his brother smile. He, after all, took care of Kaoru after their mother’s death and their father’s departure and pampered him like no one else could.
But after the kiss, something changed and it scared Ren. The lightning lit the room once again and Ren could see the shadows danced. He could see his brother lying beside him. His brother who had a thin waist and hip with delicate curves so like a girl’s. He wanted to caress the fine line of that hipbone. Ren had the strange urge to touch his long white neck dotted with tiny moles. He could see his pulse beating. Ren suddenly felt inexplicably hot and his breathing came in loud pants. He looked at Kaoru’s trusting face, lips slightly parted, and Ren never felt so ashamed of his thoughts. He must purge these thoughts from his head. Forever.
*~*~*
Jin walked the rocky beach. And even though he was wrapped in a warm long coat, he could still feel the cold ocean wind seeping all the way to his bones. Jin started writing Kaoru’s story 10 years ago but after the beginning of the book, he had no idea how to continue with the story. Jin was a novelist. He wrote about love, about relationships but he had a hard time with Kaoru’s story. He couldn’t find the right character opposite Kaoru. He started a lot of times, tried different plots and line, but everything seems wrong. He ended up tearing those to pieces.
And now he had found it, the perfect plot and the perfect character. In all his life as a writer, this idea gave him difficulty understanding and accepting it. He did not know how the idea came into his mind, brothers? It was wrong, sick even, but Jin already knew that only like this could he finish Kaoru’s story. Only with Kaoru and Ren’s love story.
*~*~*
Jonathan Black returned home to his manor one sunny day, bringing boxes of souvenirs. In his face was a smile so wide as he pressed his sons to his chest. He was happy to be home again.
Life in the Black Manor was turned upside down. Ren and Kaoru looked in amazement at the different trophies that their father brought home. There were luxurious and splendid silken Persian carpets that changed colors depending on the angle that you looked from, the different figures made of leather probably from Africa, the thinnest of Egyptian papyrus, the golden sphinx and the most beautiful fan made from pavonin. Kaoru touched the fan that looked so unreal. He asked his father if he could have it. He was bewitched of the colors and the texture of the fan.
Lord Black brought a lot of beautiful but peculiar and sometimes odd things, like the statue of a god with a lot of hands and the books with covers paved with sapphire, diamonds, pearls and gold.
The most unbelievable present was waiting in the big park, a young midnight-black Arabian thoroughbred. When Kaoru noticed the elegant animal, his heart stated racing, forgetting about the fan. He wanted it, he wanted the beautiful animal.
But the animal was yet untamed, therefore, Lord Black forbade his fragile son to come near the dangerous animal. But Kaoru didn’t want to give up. He really wanted to have the horse.
They spent days listening to Lord Black’s stories about his adventures. He told them that one day he will take both Ren and Kaoru with him. They had to see with their own eyes how great the world was outside of foggy Albion.
Lord Black looked at his sons proudly who promised to grow up as good men. He worried about Kaoru’s health and brought from overseas a special medicine which he must take to make his cough during the cold season easier.
He was a father who hadn’t seen his sons for a good few years and he missed those years that they were growing up. He looked at his boys. He thought that they would still be the same children that he left alone in the Black Manor years ago, when he was trying to find a place that would erase his pain.
But they had changed, and if he didn’t notice it, it didn’t mean that they were still the same.
Kaoru and Ren walked near the ocean almost every day, they talked about everything, joked with each other and played different games. Ren loved chess, Kaoru preferred cards.
Lord Black was that kind of father that if he was far away, he would try to hide his thoughts of his children as far as he could, and focused on his own life. But if he felt their presence, he would want to be a better father.
Once during dinner, he announced:
-Ren! You are going to London!
Silence fell around the table, and contently rubbing his hands, he continued:
-You are already 18 and you have to finish your education in London, learn how to live in society and be my successor. I know this idea will make you happy, don’t thank me, just show to these snobbish conservatives what a man from Black family is.
He winked at his who just looked at him confusion and started eating his next dish. Lord Black had shown again how eccentric he could be. He would be sending his older son to the open mouth of the conservative and snobbish high society of London that he despised and ignored before. Maybe he started thinking about the future of his son and wanted to choose the best future there was for the smart and intelligent Ren.
For his younger son, who was a bit reckless, he wanted to stay with him. He was afraid to let Kaoru from the safe walls of his house. Kaoru had a very complicated nature: he had a very kind heart, he spent all his life near the ocean walking through the rocky beach, he was to naïve for the world, and maybe a bit wild, this Lord Black could understand very well and he wanted to protect his son.
He decided to separate his sons who were inseparable before without thinking of the consequences of his radical decision.
*~*~*
Jin looked at the last word that he typed, satisfied with the results. He spent a few hours sitting in front of his laptop and now his back was aching alarmingly. Maybe it was time to rest.
Jin went to the kitchen and opened the white fridge, the nice housekeeper had left as she had promised left a plate of her special apple pie. It was delicious and he took the last piece and made tea for himself.
It was already late, the sky was pitch black and Jin couldn’t see any stars. The sky looked like a black abyss, he shivered at the strange comparison that came to his mind.
He needed to make a few calls. One to his mother, she worriedly asked if he was eating and if his back was troubling him. She knew that her son was writer and she was very proud but his sitting style left something to be desired of. She reminded him of his brother’s wedding next month and that he must have finished his work and return home. She even complained that he supposed should be the first to get married seeing that he is the eldest son, but girls ran from him because he was engaged to his work. He chuckled at her harping, thinking that no matter how old you get your mother’s voice would always have a warm effect on you and could make you homesick.
The next call was to Nakamaru. He hadn’t told him that the book would have an unconventional love story. It wasn’t easy for Jin, he could already imagine how Nakamaru would be nervously rubbing his nose while listening to Jin attempt to explain his idea. Jin put down the phone and decided that he would just write Nakamaru a long mail.
*~*~*
Ren had already finished packing. This would be the last night that he would inside this house for a very long time. On the morrow his journey towards another life would start. He was still confused over his father’s decision. It was difficult to leave the place where he had grown up and at the same time he was excited going to into the unknown.
Thinking about Kaoru was troubling him. He had already started missing his brother and he felt lost. How would he manage living without Kaoru. But what bothered him most was that Kaoru would be left alone in the manor, without Ren. Their father told them that he had found a very good teacher for Kaoru. He had met him in Japan. He was a scientist and had a degree in biology. The teacher would arrive in a few months so Kaoru wouldn’t have time to be bored.
Ren sat on his bed balling his fists as tightly as he could, he wanted to run away. He wanted to run from Kaoru, from the feelings that the younger boy awoke in him. Ren needed all his will to control the sudden urge to touch him, to kiss his lips and to hold him tight. It was wrong, he knew it very well and we would fought this strange desire tooth and nail.
It was the summer time and yesterday, they were swimming in the ocean. And when he saw Kaoru’s smooth skin, the gentle curve of his back, the line of his thin waist, the long neck, he could not take his eyes off. And when Kaoru unconsciously licked his lips, Ren swallowed hard and tried to tear his eyes away from his brother.
With each passing day, Kaoru became more beautiful and tempting for Ren. When he lay on the same blanket with Ren, blabbering about the Arabian horse whom he called Kaze, their father told them that it meant wind in Japanese and Kaoru simply loved the name, Kaoru had no idea of the storm of emotions that was swirling inside his brother’s chest and how his closeness and cold toes which sometimes touch with Ren’s affected his brother.
He heard his door opening, there was only one person who would do that. Kaoru. Ren raised his head to look at his brother.
- I’m done packing. I will be reading for a little bit then I’m going to sleep. You should too, Kaoru. Go to sleep or you won’t be able to wake up early to see me off tomorrow. - Ren wanted to sound nonchalant. He noticed Kaoru’s expression though.
Kaoru could never hide his emotions. He was very silent, his beautiful eyes full of sad emotions. When he started speaking, his voice trembled from suppressing the sadness that was growing inside of him because of Ren’s departure.
-Don’t go, - Kaoru implored.
- Don’t be a baby, Kaoru. You know that I must go. It’s father’s decision. It won’t be for a long time - he tried to calm Kaoru down, feeling anything but calm himself.
- Two years? It’s not long for you? - he could hear the accusation in Kaoru’s quivering voice.
- I will return for holidays and write you long letters. I know you don’t like it but write me long letters too. I want to know how you are here and Kaze and your turtles and that cute puppy that you found a few days ago.
He wanted to be sure that everything would be alright with Kaoru. Ren didn’t want to leave his brother behind, remembering the anxiety and uneasiness in his eyes.
Kaoru walked towards Ren. He was so close that Ren could see the shadow that his long eyelashes cast on his face. Kaoru looked at him with intense eyes, when he said the next words his voice wasn’t trembling anymore.
- I love you, Ren. - he looked expectantly at Ren.
Ren smiled, messing Kaoru’s thick locks.
- I love you too, Kaoru. You are my one and only baby brother.
Kaoru pushed Rens’s hand away. His eyes were determined when he uttered the words again, like he wanted the words to sink under Ren’s skin.
- I love you, Ren. - his eyes shone, lips parted, cheeks red as if he had high fever. Ren felt how something was crushed inside of him. He had only one desire at that moment: to run away.
He wanted to turn away when Kaoru pressed himself firmly against Ren’s body and kissed him. It was a different kiss, not even reminiscent of the first one. It was a childlike claiming kiss. Ren froze on the spot, feeling dry hot lips on his. Kaoru wanted to say everything through the kiss, to make Ren understand how scared. Lonely and lost he felt, how he would miss Ren. And how much he loves him, passionately, desperately, hopelessly.
When they parted, Kaoru hugged Ren tightly, not giving him any chance to run away. Ren felt how Kaoru trembled and shivered as he hugged him. He kissed Kaoru in the forehead; he was hot, fever again. He helped Kaoru lie on his bed.
The whole night he held Kaoru’s body which quaked from the fever, the hot puffs of his breath on Ren’s neck. He was mumbling and Ren soothingly caressed his back, whispering words that Kaoru needed.
- You will not forget me, right, Ren? - Such despair could be heard on the boy’s voice.
-Never, Kaoru.
- Don’t ever let anybody else kiss you, Ren! - another hot whisper and Kaoru snuggled closer.
-I would never.
- Don’t tell anyone stories like you do me. - a hand was placed on Ren’s cheek, hot dry hand.
-I promise.
-Love only me, Ren! Only me! I will wait for you! - Eyes shone feverishly in the darkness like lonely stars.
Ren was silent. He felt a lump in his throat and he couldn’t utter anything.
Even without saying it out loud, Ren knew that he would love Kaoru all his life.
*~*~*
When Jin opened his eyes, his heart was pounding. The strange nagging feeling in his chest didn’t let go. He stood up and felt how his pajamas were glued to his torso. He had sweated badly during his sleep. He looked at the thermometer, the temperature of the bedroom was too high, hence the heat. Jin tried to change the setting to make the room less stuffy but it seemed that the thing was broken. Jin had to open the windows, letting the chilly breeze penetrate the room.
Jin felt so tired, even more tired than before he went to sleep. Lately, even in his sleep he was being haunted by Kaoru’s story.
The last dream was so vivid, full of colors and Jin can even discern the smells and the sounds. He never in his life had so realistic dreams and it frightened him and excited him at the same time. He wanted to understand why he was having this dreams. He wanted to know the source of these dreams. Even then, these dreams helped him a lot. The story was going forward and every day he made another step towards the end of the novel. But at the same time, he wanted to understand, to get to the bottom of everything.
What bothered Jin the most was Ren’s character. Was it Jin’s imagination that created Ren or something else? He was puzzled how easy it was for him to write about the character, his desires, insecurities and feelings. Why did Jin felt that Ren was closer to him than he could fathom?
Jin knew very well that in novels the author often creates a character that in some way resembles himself, who would express his point of view. Jin thought that in this story Kaoru would be his voice but it was his error. Maybe it was the reason why he couldn’t finish the story even after ten years.
And Kaoru, with every dream and every moment that Jin spent on writing about him, he opened new sides of the character. Even then he was an enigma to Jin even if he was the one who created him.
Kaoru was perfect. He was very gentle. He has all the character traits that enraptured Jin in people but he was also free, emotional, sometimes reckless yet very deep, ungovernable yet natural in his impulses and reactions. He was a walking contradiction and absolutely perfect in his imperfection.
Jin dried his wet hair and wrapped a towel around his hips as he went to the kitchen. He poured took a glass of cold water from the fridge and drank unhurriedly. He wasn’t sure what time it was in Tokyo but he needed to talk to somebody. He dialed a number and a few seconds later he heard a calm voice answering the call from the other side of the world.
-Yes.
- Hello, it’s me. - Jin made himself comfortable on the coach, the dying embers in the fireplace quietly hissed.
- Jin, how are you? How do you find England? Ueda’s voice was always calm, his calmness spread towards Jin’s raw nerves.
-It’s really good. - Jin answered quietly.
- My cousin recommended the place. He’s photographer, traveling around the world. He would be having an exhibition of his work by the time you return to Japan. I’ll give you an invitation. He told me that the view on that part of the country is fantastic. - A pause, they both knew that Jin did not call for a polite chitchat.
- What’s bothering you Jin? - came Ueda’s professional voice.
- I’m having these dreams… - Jin’s voice sounded uneasy.
-Nightmares?
- No, about my book. But they are so realistic and I see them every night. - Jin’s grip on the phone became tighter.
-About your book? I see…- a short pause and then Ueda continued in his most professional tone that most often than not reassured Jin.
- You know Jin, there is this very famous theory by Freud about dreams. He said that your dreams can be impressions of your day like when you think too much about your book that even in your dreams your subconscious thinking will manifest itself. Sometimes, it is also a manifestation of your desires, your hidden desires some of which you don’t even know of or acknowledge.
-You mean like some scenes of my book which I felt too realistic for comfort, - Jin swallowed, remembering the kiss from his dream.
A silence fell between them and then Ueda added:
- You should take a break from your writing, like go somewhere and... - Jin heard the voice of Ueda’s secretary telling him of that his appointment had arrived.
-I need to go, Jin. Call me anytime you need to. Jin closed his phone and looked at his laptop. Impressions, thoughts… Maybe… He had been thinking about Kaoru for the last ten years and maybe even before. For Jin, the best distraction from his dreams was to write and so Jin opened his laptop and began to write anew.
*~*~*
Ren wrote Kaoru very long letters almost every week. He would tell Kaoru everything that happened to him since the last time he wrote. He told him about London, about the long trip that he made and what he saw during said trip. He tried to make it more interesting knowing how easily Kaoru get bored reading very long letters. He wanted Kaoru to like it, to know the things as he knew them.
Ren missed his him, missed his time with Kaoru, missed their closeness and the smile of his brother that was only for him. He had never left home before and it wasn’t easy for Ren leaving. He started his education and found new friends. People found him exotic, the son of Lord Black and his exotic wife. Ren was welcomed everywhere. He was, after all, the son of a very rich noble. And Ren could be charming, if he wants to.
Sometimes, Kaoru wrote to Ren too. Not very long letters more like notes from different days and moments in Kaoru’s life put together as a missive. He wrote about Kaze, of how he would be able to ride the horse. And that the new teacher had arrived in the Manor. He was Japanese and would teach Kaoru Japanese and a lot of other interesting things.
Kaoru’s letters sounded excited and Ren was happy that their father found a good person to be near Kaoru, even if it made hi jealous that someone else would take his place in making Kaoru smile and happy.
They never mentioned the kiss that happened before Ren’s departure in their letters. Kaoru ends his every letter with the words:
Love and wait, your Kaoru.
While Ren always finished his letters with:
With love, your brother Ren.
Ren found new friends and they often sat in company telling each other stories and jokes. Once, his friend asked him to tell them about the book that Ren had just finished reading, Ren opened his mouth and closed it again. Kaoru’s farewell words rang in his ears:
“Don’t tell anyone stories like you do me.”
And Ren wanted to keep even just one of the promises that he made to Kaoru.
Time passed and it was the holidays. Ren wanted to return home as he had promised Kaoru. But on the last day of the term, his friend, one of the golden youths of the London society invited him to a celebration. They were sure that Ren would be invited too. It was a very loud party, a party with wine and women, where they could do and have everything they want. Ren was already drank when he felt how warm hands pushed him towards the closed door; he was surprised how he found himself in bed with a woman all over him. She wasn’t tall; she had a thin waist and brown hair. Ren closed his eyes and he saw Kaoru. With every kiss, with every touch he felt only Kaoru. He whispered Kaoru’s name while his hands wandered on the girl’s body. He was lost in sensation, lost in his lust for Kaoru.
The next day, Ren returned his train ticket and during the two years he spent in London, he never visited home.
Kaoru waited. He waited every day, watching the road towards the huge iron gates; he waited desperately, his heart full of hope and love. It would be the day that Kaoru would confess to his brother, hoping that Ren would not push him away. It would his sheer heaven.
Kaoru never doubted his feelings for Ren. He loved him wholeheartedly, unreservedly with all the passion that his young heart could muster. He didn’t see anything wrong in his love for his brother. But Ren didn’t return home that time, not even during Christmas or the other holidays. Kaoru was almost 18 when they received scandalous news from London. Ren had some love affair with a beautiful and famous actress in London. His father laughed it off, remembering that when he was in Ren’s age, he was also naughty. Kaoru never felt the pain as he clasped the wine glass with such power that it broke to pieces. Wine melded with blood in Kaoru’s wounded palm.
Kaoru then decided that he didn’t want to feel anything anymore.
*~*~*
Jin stopped typing and fixed his gaze at the last sentence. He felt it too, that awful moment, ten years ago. His fingers impatiently tapped on the table; inhale, exhale and nothing. His mind was blank again.
The ground on which he trod was unfamiliar. He continued looking at the white laptop screen, where the next words were to be written. But he couldn’t. It was only the middle of the day and Jin didn’t feel tired yet. His plan for the day was to write and write without pause. Maybe a little walk would help.
The wind was again severe. It seemed that in this coast, the wind was always piercing. Jin wrapped a wide scarf around his neck, trying to protect his face from the sand that the wind lifted from the ground.
Jin found a branch, not very long and sturdy enough. He wrote two names in the sand: Ren and Kaoru. Jin had never wrote about love between men before and truth be told never experienced it either. There were times during conferences or parties that he would notice eyes on himself, but he was never interested in pursuing it. He had a few gay friends and he knew that it was not such a big deal but he felt nervous writing about them. He was not educated enough in their ways. The thing that bothered him most was that the main characters of his story were brothers. He had heard and read that there was no barrier with love but the idea itself sounded wrong. And what bothered him all the more was how and why Ren and Kaoru fell in love with each other. Why Kaoru never doubted his feelings and was so sure that he was right in loving Ren as Ren was trying to come into grips with his feelings by fighting it?
Two boys who lost their mother at a very young age, and in a way their father too, were absolutely alone with only each other. With only each other’s support and warmth, understanding and needing each other. Jin tried to find an explanation but sometimes love had no explanations, it just happened.
He felt that his story had hit a snag and he prayed that it would disappear soon.
*~*~*
Ren couldn’t believe himself. He was home, after two years away he was finally back. His father hugged him tightly and patted his shoulder fondly. Ren was happy to be home. But most of all, he wanted to see Kaoru. His father told him that Kaoru was on the beach. Ren smiled and made his way toward Kaoru and meet him halfway.
The moment he saw Kaoru, he held his breath. He wasn’t sure if he had changed a lot during the two years he was away, but Kaoru did. His long black hair which reached his shoulder fluttered in the wind and hit his face while he was riding a gorgeous black horse at full speed. Kaoru was no longer that boy with sharp angles and clumsy movements. Ren saw a man with sparkling eyes confidently holding the reins, riding the horse bent down close to Kaze’s neck.
Ren watched his handsome brother who gracefully jumped off the horse. Ren wanted to call his name but he heard his laughter. Even his laughter had changed; his voice became lower with new notes that Ren didn’t remember he had before.
Kaoru was laughing and smiling, but to someone else, Ren noticed a man who was leaning on the rock, his hands crossed in his chest, a grey horse standing nearby. The man noticed Ren before Kaoru did and pointed Ren with a nod to his direction. Ren felt uncomfortable. He had no idea where this strange feeling came from.
Kaoru slowly turned his head which seemed like an eternity for Ren. Their eyes met. All the fear and worries disappeared from Ren’s exhausted and suffering heart. It was Kaoru, his Kaoru. The next thing he knew, Kaoru was running towards him with arms open and embraced him tightly. Ren hugged his brother and hid his face on his hair. He smelled him, he had the same smell as his Kaoru, like the sea and something sweet.
- Ren, you are back! - Kaoru pushed away his brother gently, examining Ren’s face, his voice full of emotions and sounded so differently. This was no longer his baby brother, Ren noted with light sadness.
-I’m back, - Ren voice was trembling; he couldn’t hide his emotions.
-Kaoru, I think you should introduce us, - the way the man pronounced his brother’s name grated on Ren’s ears. He said it softly, in the Japanese manner, and followed the wide smile on Kaoru’s face.
-Of course, this is my brother Ren, - Ren noticed how the stranger’s eyes became darker, so flitting that it might have been his imagination, - and this is my friend and teacher. I wrote you about him, Nishikido Ryo.
A hand was offered for shaking, Ren reached out and shook the man’s hand and felt a strong grip.
-Nice to meet you,-Ren said politely.
-My pleasure, - Ryo answered and Ren look at the dark eyes, feeling uneasy.
*~*~*
Jin yawned, stretching a little bit, the couch was really uncomfortable. He was reading a book about Ancient times when he fell asleep. The book was lying on the floor. Jin needed coffee and something to eat. It wasn’t evening yet and he knew what he would write now.
PART 2