Bullying: The New (Old) Problem
a list for your perusal
I was short until about 10th grade
I wore glasses
I had an overbite
I was loud and snorted when I laughed
I had crazy big curly hair
I didn't get boobs and hips until 10th grade, and when they came in, they came in lusciously
I was smart
My first name was Candy
My middle name was Ragan, and my last name was Carter and I started school in 1980 (Right as Jimmy Carter was leaving office and Ronald Reagan took over)
We were lower-middle class so I never had Guess Jeans or Keds
My parents split up when I was seven
These are all things I can remember being teased and/or bullied about from the time I was five until I was eighteen. There are probably more things that I can't remember, and possibly things I'm remembering that didn't really happen.
I've been reflecting this week on this subject due to all the media coverage and emphasis on how bullying is getting out of control in America.
So, here's the deal: Nobody ever beat me up, exactly. I mean, I had a few kids hit me over the years, different "kids will be kids" type of incidences, but looking back, I can see that they were things I should have told an adult about. But I didn't. Nobody ever stole my lunch money, but I had plenty of people call me names or be mean to me. Why? Because I went to public school. I mean, the world is full of mean kids, is it not?
The difference for me? Every day I went home to my family, who loved me. When I was fairly young, it was my mom, dad, older brother and older sister. After I was seven, it was just my mom and sibs, though I saw my dad on a regular basis. After I was nine, my mom and I moved away (my older sibs were old enough to be on their own) and so I lived about eight hours away from my dad by car, but I went to visit him every summer. My family was (and still is) far from perfect. I have issues with my parents over various things, but the one thing I always knew was that I was loved.
Everyone at school could say whatever mean thing they wanted to, but when I went home at night, that didn't matter so much.
I don't think bullying is anything new. Most likely there have been (young) people all across the world through generations of time who have tried to or successfully ended their lives because of mean things that were said or done to them. We should, as a society, and more importantly as individuals, stand up for what is right and fair, and we should talk about these horrible situations. There should be an emphasis on kindness and learning that our words have power, both positive and negative. With the media coverage, I feel like we're moving in the right direction, even if it's fairly slowly.
The attention this subject is getting now signals a bigger problem to me, however. I would be hard pressed to meet anyone who has never suffered an unkind word from a peer, but more scary than that is the lack of love within the homes of these victims. These kids who are at risk because of their sexual orientation (or because of their PERCEIVED sexual orientation) need parents who are going to love them unconditionally and give them a safe place to come to at the end of the day. They need to be taught that no matter what the world says about them, they are still valuable, loved, and treasured by someone--by those that should already have those kinds of feelings for them.
I saw a "It Gets Better" PSA by Adam Lambert yesterday, and what struck me most about what he said was that it's up to the person who has had mean things said or done to them to make up their minds to stand up for themselves, and to live their lives anyway. (The truth is there will always be mean people, it's inevitable.) For young people to be able to do that, they have to have a firm foundation. I don't know anything about Adam's family, but I'm curious as to whether his parents supported him unconditionally, or if he rose above persecution within his own family (if it's the latter, he's a lucky man to have been able to overcome that). I was raised in a strict conservative religion--at any time I could have turned away from those ideals and pursued another lifestyle--but for me, the basis of love and the firm foundation that I was planted on helped me to choose to live this life, this way, even though it is hard at times. Whatever it is that we choose has its own set of hardships, though obviously some are harder than others.
Fundamentally, the principle that should be taught is LOVE. Love at home, love for our fellowmen, respect, and agreeing to disagree in cases where ideals vary widely. My whole life I've taken these principles for granted; I resolve to do better, to do more. I resolve to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves, even when it's hard, or rather, especially when it's hard to do. Just as unkind words might propel someone into an unthinkable act, being and doing good can also have a ripple effect.