Worry
I asked myself today what I'd been doing with my time this weekend. Basically, what I've been doing, pretty much solidly, all the time, has been worrying. So sorry if I've not been very sociable with anyone, I've just been busy.
In fact I've been so busy worrying for the last couple of weeks, Christmas has crept up on me, and I'm sat here on my own, and I've failed to organise anything social, I'm not going to get to see people, and it's lame. I've been worrying about my job interview, and how badly it went, and how I'm going to cope when I inevitably get told I'venot got thejob and I'm only good for box ticking. I'm worried that my rivals' interview may have been even worse, and maybe I have got the job, and will I be able to cope with the pressure. I'm worried about missing Christmas and being stuck with my family the whole time (and as it's a whole week this time, it's along time). I'm worried aboutwhat I want for Christmas, as I've not been motiviated to think of wanting anything tangible or affordable for a long time. I'm worried about what I'll do for new year after the cancellation of Tim's party, and that without it I won't have an excuse to be away from my parents (not that there's anything wrong with them, but 10 days solid?) I'm worried that the fact that I've not got several social events lined up means I have no social life. I'm worried that the fact that every caller to this house asks for someone else and never really talks to me means I have no friends, only other people's friends. I'm worried that's my fault as I'm too shy to get in contact with people. I'm worried that my house might be underwater next year due to global warming. I'm worried that might not matter because everyone will have moved out anyway. I'm worried about whether it's normal to actually spend physical hours doing nothing but worrying. I'm wondering whether worrying should be more important than Christmas Shopping.
and with all this worrying, I've forgotten to talk to anyone, not that there's anyone to talk to. Or to read Live Journal. So sorry. I'll read it maybe when I've recovered from my inevitable rejection from this job, and got used to the horrendously frightening and frustrating and soul destrying world of trying to find a better job, knowing that I could DO a much better job EASILY, it's just the persuading people to let me. And no woman's going to want someone who's unemployed.
Basically I'm feeling at the moment that I'm just too worried to have a proper christmas or to join in the christmas spirit. But anyway if I don't get another chance - then merry Christmas to people everywhere. Don't panic it's only Christmas. Maybe I'll get to see some of you, but it's looking unlikely. My parents want me ruthlessly for the entire possible time from this Friday until the Sunday after, and with no direct plans, I can't really stop them.
I really wish there was TUC night on tonight. There's the Fez, but it's too crowded and young to go to on one's own. I've not needed a pint of Stella and Slayer in combination so bad for some time. Not that they sell Stella at the Fez, it's all overpriced bottles. down with the Fez, up with the TUC and it's Stella AND Kronenbourg on tap goodness.
anyway Merry christmas and all that, if you've got time.
In fact I've been so busy worrying for the last couple of weeks, Christmas has crept up on me, and I'm sat here on my own, and I've failed to organise anything social, I'm not going to get to see people, and it's lame. I've been worrying about my job interview, and how badly it went, and how I'm going to cope when I inevitably get told I'venot got thejob and I'm only good for box ticking. I'm worried that my rivals' interview may have been even worse, and maybe I have got the job, and will I be able to cope with the pressure. I'm worried about missing Christmas and being stuck with my family the whole time (and as it's a whole week this time, it's along time). I'm worried aboutwhat I want for Christmas, as I've not been motiviated to think of wanting anything tangible or affordable for a long time. I'm worried about what I'll do for new year after the cancellation of Tim's party, and that without it I won't have an excuse to be away from my parents (not that there's anything wrong with them, but 10 days solid?) I'm worried that the fact that I've not got several social events lined up means I have no social life. I'm worried that the fact that every caller to this house asks for someone else and never really talks to me means I have no friends, only other people's friends. I'm worried that's my fault as I'm too shy to get in contact with people. I'm worried that my house might be underwater next year due to global warming. I'm worried that might not matter because everyone will have moved out anyway. I'm worried about whether it's normal to actually spend physical hours doing nothing but worrying. I'm wondering whether worrying should be more important than Christmas Shopping.
and with all this worrying, I've forgotten to talk to anyone, not that there's anyone to talk to. Or to read Live Journal. So sorry. I'll read it maybe when I've recovered from my inevitable rejection from this job, and got used to the horrendously frightening and frustrating and soul destrying world of trying to find a better job, knowing that I could DO a much better job EASILY, it's just the persuading people to let me. And no woman's going to want someone who's unemployed.
Basically I'm feeling at the moment that I'm just too worried to have a proper christmas or to join in the christmas spirit. But anyway if I don't get another chance - then merry Christmas to people everywhere. Don't panic it's only Christmas. Maybe I'll get to see some of you, but it's looking unlikely. My parents want me ruthlessly for the entire possible time from this Friday until the Sunday after, and with no direct plans, I can't really stop them.
I really wish there was TUC night on tonight. There's the Fez, but it's too crowded and young to go to on one's own. I've not needed a pint of Stella and Slayer in combination so bad for some time. Not that they sell Stella at the Fez, it's all overpriced bottles. down with the Fez, up with the TUC and it's Stella AND Kronenbourg on tap goodness.
anyway Merry christmas and all that, if you've got time.