Fic: A Wedding Announcement (Wizarding Wedding Whispers!) (HP, Remus/Tonks, PG)
A Wedding Announcement (Wizarding Wedding Whispers!)
Author: Regala Electra
Rating: PG
Spoilers: The Deathly Hallows
Pairing: Remus/Tonks
Summary: The Order discovered this article from the home of missing (and in all likelihood, deceased) reporter Yvette Jasper-Golweith, revealing that certain secret locations may have been discovered by Death Eaters.
Word Count: 770
Author’s Notes: This fic is devised to be a Daily Prophet newspaper article with editor’s comments. I don’t think this falls under the category of “crack” but it is a bit of an odd duck. Try to figure out who would get the moniker of Wilfred Wolfson. After a three year leave of absence, this is a return to HP fic writing, I hope you enjoy.
*
Wizarding Wedding Whispers!
By Yvette Jasper-Golweith
*
(The Order has discovered this original copy preserved from the files of deceased reporter YJP (still being reported as “missing.” This includes editor comments - please note the names, check against suspected Death Eaters.)
*
Tying the knot? During these troubling times, perhaps you’re looking for a hush-hush affair at low, low costs. The Thorny Chapel, famous wizarding favorite for modest weddings has unfortunately been burned to the ground [ - Correction: temporarily closed for renovations, but happy to accept reservations for next month, please include a complete guest list with first, middle, and last names (complete with maiden names if possible). - Callis Wexterely, editor] and the cheaper [ - Correction: “run-down, filthy, and troll-sympathizing” - Annaphabulis Grottesca, assistant-editor-in-chief] alternative of the Romantic Romances Rendezvous, which was formerly found at the Rectangular Rotunda in Diagon Alley, is fully booked for the next ten years. Imagine, even with a Ministry-approved application of the Time-Turner to quadruple-book weddings, the little hideaway [ - Correction: questionably nicknamed “hideaway” (do they have something to hide?) - Ofal Morose, editor-in-chief] is doing its best to ensure that engaged couples in a hurry shall be able to celebrate their most felicitous day with a brief elopement.
I personally interviewed a couple, who asked that they not be identified (love birds! So shy on this day of days): Mr. Wilfred Wolfson, lately of Somewhere-in-England and his blushing brightly-haired bride, the newly-surnamed Mrs. Wilfred Wolfson. [- Yvette, you are hereby ordered to reveal your sources as per Ministry Proclamation 17-9749 Article A.4-52, purely for record-keeping purposes. - Ofal Morose, editor-in-chief] Mr. Wolfson exclaimed, his artfully lined brow lifting in joyous surprise, “Good god, what are you doing here? What do you mean an article? Married? Well, yes, we are now, technically, I mean, happily married for all time, but you shouldn’t be able to get inside, you’re not a secret keeper for this...what do you mean someone told you how to get here?”
Yes, that’s right, dear readers, yours truly has been granted the secret to the [- Yvette, my husband and I are planning to renew our vows, a silly American wizarding tradition, I know, but he’s a romantic at heart, can you tell me how to get to Romantic Romances Rendezvous? - Annaphabulis Grottesca, assistant editor-in-chief] exclusive hot hot spot for those tying the proverbial knot.
*
(The article was torn in half at this point, possibly taken by Death Eaters when her flat was ransacked. The bottom portion is all that remains)
*
...Fortune favors the brave and marriage mends the mad, as prefaced in the new work Mending Marriage Maladies [ - a book that is currently being delayed by the publisher, has a questionable chapter dedicated to “Muggle Marriage Therapy” - Callis Wexterely, editor] by the esteemed author of Ten Thousand Charms for a Marvelous Marriage, Heltspha Chaptwicks. Her new cure-all book that guarantees marital bliss (or your galleons back!), shall be reviewed in next week’s column along with a personal interview by the enchanting witch [ - revise, please edit so that it reads “her new book will be criticized for its anti-Ministry leanings” ... “Muggle-born” witch - Callis Wexterlely, editor]. Mrs. Chaptwicks, as she insists she be called, said of the new trend of elopements and quiet family affairs held in wizarding homes, “I cannot imagine why a witch would agree to wasting her finest hours queuing for a ninety-six hour daily chapel and having a truncated service! Truly, these are distressing times.”
While the whispers persist and couples prefer to remain anonymous, indeed, even as wedding announcements that once filled this very newspaper become scarce, we must persevere, perhaps by choosing an unusual locale for wedded bliss such as the bottom of a particularly charming lake or even the English Channel (best to book during weekdays, weekends are booked solid through winter).[ - Please give me your notes with all locations listed - Annaphabulis Grottesca, assistant editor-in-chief]
*
(The Order’s Notes:
OM is a definite DE, CW was a former Order member possibly turned, unknown: AG, possibly under the coercion of another DE. {RJL}
RJL, NTL, we can’t know what YJG said under torture, they’re onto you! Constant Vigilance! {AM}
Thank you AM, we will be extraordinarily cautious in all matters, I assure you. {RJL}
I can’t believe she picked that alias, we told her to call us Mister and Missus if she was mad enough to quote R. Thanks for the gift, ME, I’ve always wanted a Muggle vacuum and your charms are holding strong, it almost attacked R when he didn’t answer the riddle straight away. {T-L})
*
end
Author: Regala Electra
Rating: PG
Spoilers: The Deathly Hallows
Pairing: Remus/Tonks
Summary: The Order discovered this article from the home of missing (and in all likelihood, deceased) reporter Yvette Jasper-Golweith, revealing that certain secret locations may have been discovered by Death Eaters.
Word Count: 770
Author’s Notes: This fic is devised to be a Daily Prophet newspaper article with editor’s comments. I don’t think this falls under the category of “crack” but it is a bit of an odd duck. Try to figure out who would get the moniker of Wilfred Wolfson. After a three year leave of absence, this is a return to HP fic writing, I hope you enjoy.
*
Wizarding Wedding Whispers!
By Yvette Jasper-Golweith
*
(The Order has discovered this original copy preserved from the files of deceased reporter YJP (still being reported as “missing.” This includes editor comments - please note the names, check against suspected Death Eaters.)
*
Tying the knot? During these troubling times, perhaps you’re looking for a hush-hush affair at low, low costs. The Thorny Chapel, famous wizarding favorite for modest weddings has unfortunately been burned to the ground [ - Correction: temporarily closed for renovations, but happy to accept reservations for next month, please include a complete guest list with first, middle, and last names (complete with maiden names if possible). - Callis Wexterely, editor] and the cheaper [ - Correction: “run-down, filthy, and troll-sympathizing” - Annaphabulis Grottesca, assistant-editor-in-chief] alternative of the Romantic Romances Rendezvous, which was formerly found at the Rectangular Rotunda in Diagon Alley, is fully booked for the next ten years. Imagine, even with a Ministry-approved application of the Time-Turner to quadruple-book weddings, the little hideaway [ - Correction: questionably nicknamed “hideaway” (do they have something to hide?) - Ofal Morose, editor-in-chief] is doing its best to ensure that engaged couples in a hurry shall be able to celebrate their most felicitous day with a brief elopement.
I personally interviewed a couple, who asked that they not be identified (love birds! So shy on this day of days): Mr. Wilfred Wolfson, lately of Somewhere-in-England and his blushing brightly-haired bride, the newly-surnamed Mrs. Wilfred Wolfson. [- Yvette, you are hereby ordered to reveal your sources as per Ministry Proclamation 17-9749 Article A.4-52, purely for record-keeping purposes. - Ofal Morose, editor-in-chief] Mr. Wolfson exclaimed, his artfully lined brow lifting in joyous surprise, “Good god, what are you doing here? What do you mean an article? Married? Well, yes, we are now, technically, I mean, happily married for all time, but you shouldn’t be able to get inside, you’re not a secret keeper for this...what do you mean someone told you how to get here?”
Yes, that’s right, dear readers, yours truly has been granted the secret to the [- Yvette, my husband and I are planning to renew our vows, a silly American wizarding tradition, I know, but he’s a romantic at heart, can you tell me how to get to Romantic Romances Rendezvous? - Annaphabulis Grottesca, assistant editor-in-chief] exclusive hot hot spot for those tying the proverbial knot.
*
(The article was torn in half at this point, possibly taken by Death Eaters when her flat was ransacked. The bottom portion is all that remains)
*
...Fortune favors the brave and marriage mends the mad, as prefaced in the new work Mending Marriage Maladies [ - a book that is currently being delayed by the publisher, has a questionable chapter dedicated to “Muggle Marriage Therapy” - Callis Wexterely, editor] by the esteemed author of Ten Thousand Charms for a Marvelous Marriage, Heltspha Chaptwicks. Her new cure-all book that guarantees marital bliss (or your galleons back!), shall be reviewed in next week’s column along with a personal interview by the enchanting witch [ - revise, please edit so that it reads “her new book will be criticized for its anti-Ministry leanings” ... “Muggle-born” witch - Callis Wexterlely, editor]. Mrs. Chaptwicks, as she insists she be called, said of the new trend of elopements and quiet family affairs held in wizarding homes, “I cannot imagine why a witch would agree to wasting her finest hours queuing for a ninety-six hour daily chapel and having a truncated service! Truly, these are distressing times.”
While the whispers persist and couples prefer to remain anonymous, indeed, even as wedding announcements that once filled this very newspaper become scarce, we must persevere, perhaps by choosing an unusual locale for wedded bliss such as the bottom of a particularly charming lake or even the English Channel (best to book during weekdays, weekends are booked solid through winter).[ - Please give me your notes with all locations listed - Annaphabulis Grottesca, assistant editor-in-chief]
*
(The Order’s Notes:
OM is a definite DE, CW was a former Order member possibly turned, unknown: AG, possibly under the coercion of another DE. {RJL}
RJL, NTL, we can’t know what YJG said under torture, they’re onto you! Constant Vigilance! {AM}
Thank you AM, we will be extraordinarily cautious in all matters, I assure you. {RJL}
I can’t believe she picked that alias, we told her to call us Mister and Missus if she was mad enough to quote R. Thanks for the gift, ME, I’ve always wanted a Muggle vacuum and your charms are holding strong, it almost attacked R when he didn’t answer the riddle straight away. {T-L})
*
end