fic: Honey, I Don’t Think That’s What They Mean When They Call It “Swing” (RPS, Jared/Jensen, NC-17)
Honey, I Don’t Think That’s What They Mean When They Call It “Swing”
Author: Regala Electra
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Sexual content, Extreme Political Crack, Language
Word Count: 1,925
Summary: Jensen Ackles is a Republican. Completely heterosexual. Which is why Jared Padalecki sexing him to oblivion will not make him change his mind. No way. “Sometimes you have to take one for your country, Jensen. And your country needs you to vote for Obama.”
Author’s Notes: I have no idea what the political persuasions are of either Jared Padalecki or Jensen Ackles. I honestly don’t want to know what their political beliefs are. Please do not read this if you are offended by any jokes making light of any political party. This is purely crack to scare ignited. Many hugs to her for letting me IM her this crack and also to memphis86 for awesome audiencing and support.
Super Warning: Please do not read this if you think it will offend you. I only have love in my heart and this is a complete work of fiction.
*
Jensen Ackles was a Republican and proud of it. He’s a Texan and a Red Stater and while he won’t publicly discuss his politics he feels very strongly about them. And sure, Jared might’ve started it by bringing up politics and invoking the word change as if it was something more than some trite political slogan.
In fact, ‘round about the time that everything went wrong with Jensen’s life, he might have been donating money over the internet to a particular candidate while Jensen’s hanging out in his trailer, waiting to be called for the next scene.
Jared was too fucking smart for his own good. His love of pranking the fuck of everyone and eating shitloads of candy was, in Jensen’s estimation, just a really freakish, childish cover to keep people from suspecting that he had brains. Evil brains.
Jensen never discussed politics with anyone not even Jared and he liked it that way. Loved it that way.
Then Jared asked him if he’s seen the “No You Can’t” McCain parody ad on You Tube.
And Jensen gulped and shook his head. And then screwed himself over when he said, “Sorry Jared, I don’t read liberal blogs and I don’t appreciate people bashing McCain.”
It was a slow head turn that cinched it, Jared’s look of incredulity that really made it all sink in, and Jensen could feel the headache starting, knowledge that he had no way to defend himself.
“What?”
“Um. I’m a, I’m… shit. Look, I vote my interests, okay?”
“Dude, I thought you’ be a Libertarian like Chad is. Seriously? I mean, you have a house in L.A.”
“Um,” Jensen said and a handful of lame excuses later, he slunk out of Jared’s trailer.
He was so fucked. Jared’s what some people call an optimist but to Jensen, he’s a really fucking earnest idealist. Jared believed in a way that terrified Jensen because sometimes it made Jensen think that fundamentally he was wrong somehow.
And Jared had a way of turning people toward his line of thinking. Sure it didn’t seem obvious at first but Jensen wasn’t letting anyone else hump him in public without decking ‘em in private, you know?
So. Fucking. Screwed.
*
By the third time Jared blew him, Jensen was willing to convert to another religion (the Holy Church of Jared’s Mouth, where Jensen would be the founding and hopefully sole worshipper), but he’d still been desperate to hold out. He had strong beliefs, dammit, they didn’t just go away because his friend and costar had started moving closer to him all the time for no reason and took care to touch him in these new and exciting ways (fingers skiming down Jensen’s forearm then touching Jensen’s watch and saying, “hey maybe I should get another watch, you like this one?”). But Jensen wasn’t as strong as he thought.
Jared kind of broke down Jensen’s I am so very very straight and hey did I tell you how straight I am? barrier that he had implemented in high school right around the time he nearly came in his pants when he caught sight of the football center and the quarterback involved in some ungentlemanly conduct in the locker room showers.
(Everyone had been kind and not mentioned how… close those two had been.)
Jensen leaned back, his face so fucking hot and lacking any ability to stop himself, he begged, “Please Jared, I'm going to die if you deep-throat me again.”
Yeah, so apparently he’s not as method as he always believed, he’s just extremely freaking melodramatic. But his heart could explode if Jared tried to suck him off again and then he’d be dead.
Jensen really didn’t want that to be how he was remembered: that actor who died from too many blowjobs.
“Sometimes you have to take one for your country, Jensen. And your country needs you to vote for Obama.”
This was the most dirty-bad-wrong sex that Jensen had ever had and he’d dated a fucking Playmate. No one had ever whispered policy platforms in his ear when he’d been jacked off before but Jared just had to be special.
Jared's grip was slack around his dick, and sure Jensen was hard and wanted it but he couldn't let this happen. Couldn’t let the gay wash over him and experience the brazen pleasure, the heat of Jared's mouth one more time or he'd be done for, forever, and what about his tax breaks?
Jared sighed against Jensen's thigh, his hair tickling Jensen's belly as he moved his head, tongue a bare flick away from licking a stripe up the side of Jensen’s cock. “I'm sorry but I think I'm going to have to fuck you now. It's the only way.”
Huh. Jensen had wondered why Jared had gotten naked too and hadn’t let Jensen touch him back.
“Doesn’t change my mind,” Jensen choked out, voice strangled as Jared slicked his fingers, rubbed below Jensen’s balls, stroking his perineum. “I, I have… God, do that again, fuck.”
Jared had nearly sucked one of Jensen’s balls in his mouth, he pulled back, his face so serious and thoughtful that Jensen didn’t know what to do with him. Kiss him would be a good idea but he did that then he’d really be done for. Whatever he wanted, yeah, Jensen would do it, just to get Jared smiling again wide and easy, not the careful look he had as he scruntized the situation, shaking his head, hair stuck up and ridiculous looking. He had insane sex hair.
(And fine, Jensen looked completely debauched too but at least his hair didn’t give it away. Yes that was incredibly petty and gay of him to point out. Whatever. His questionable heterosexuality was all but gone.)
“I'm not going to enjoy this as much as you will.”
Jensen blinked at the joke. Jared was stroking himself, grinning wide and holy fuck, he was lubing himself up, had slipped on a condom at some point.
“And I plan on enjoying it a lot. Trust me, this is gonna be awesome,” Jared promised. His voice took a darker turn as he leaned over, kissed Jensen fiercely before saying, “Get on your knees.”
Jensen would protest but he was already turning over, spreading his legs wide, knees pressed hard on the couch, holding onto the top for purchase. He felt Jared's slick fingers pressing deep and he moaned, “God, Jared. This is so against everything I'm supposed to believe in-”
“Supposed to?” Jared asked, his fingers stretching Jensen, readying him.
Mentally all Jensen could think was this: Please don’t touch my dick again or I’ll start begging for you to fuck me.
“Fuuuuck,” Jensen replied, amazed he could speak now that Jared had a third finger inside of his ass, stroking the right spot and Jensen rocked back on it, panting. Managed to say, “I've always believed in you, Jay. You know it.”
“It'll be okay,” Jared said as he continued to work Jensen to a brain meltdown. That or Jensen’s body was going to explode and yeah that orgasm would be worth dying for. “It's not a sin to vote blue. Anymore than getting a coupla black'n'blues from someone who cares about you.”
He nipped Jensen then, a little bite on his thigh, had Jensen gasping and moaning.
“You know I'm right.”
Jared kissed up Jensen's spine, nuzzling his nose against the back of neck. “Obama’s actually a lot more fiscally conservative than you give him credit for.”
At that, fingers pulled out and in that terrifying moment of clarification, Jensen realized how pivotal this moment was, giving his ass up to Jared and he was refusing to really be willing to listen to Jared’s thoughts about the presidential race, that he was just voting with his party because that’s what he’d always done, never given it more thought than that.
“Okay Jared. We don't have to. I mean,” Jensen stammered not knowing what the hell he meant. “I swear I’m gonna vote. I really will.”
Hands on his hips. Jared’s hands were on his hips. Had to bite his lip from begging Jared to just fucking do it.
Jared chuckled darkly, aligning his hips and Jensen could feel him, hard and ready, pressing against the crack of his ass. “This will be good. So good. And then you gonna understand.”
Panting, Jensen said, “God. I don't think I will. I mean, God. Jared.”
“Gotta say it, Jensen.”
The words ripped out of him as Jared pushed inside, mixed in with grunting but it was there all right: “Yes we can!”
He came against the couch, thick spurts and Jared had barely touched him.
*
“I voted, Jared,” Jensen told him, hoping that maybe some phone sex would happen which only goes to show how stupid Jared had made him as Jensen kind of needed an orgasm now that sex + politics had been forever linked in his brain.
A Pavlovian response, Jared declared, when they’d gotten so horny after doing a CW Stars Rock the Vote promo that they’d barely waited to find a private space to start jacking each other off. Jared had licked the come off his fingers and Jensen wanted then to start debating about campaign finance reform so yeah, there’s no way of separating it.
“You fired up then?”
“And ready to go,” he promised Jared, cock twitching, his jeans too tight.
“Damn,” Jared said and there’s a slick noise of movement, sound of flesh being stroked, a wet noise, little bit of lube ‘cause Jared liked it like that and it wasn’t fair.
Jensen needed to watch that even with the great visual in his head it wasn’t anything like being there. He was still walking towards his car and he had to wait, had to listen to Jared, being driven insane that Jared’s touching himself and Jensen wasn’t there to watch him fall apart. “I can’t believe I convinced you to-thought you were a lost cause, thought-”
“You made a convincing argument,” Jensen said, his free hand curling into a fist when he heard Jared coming, hard and noisy, the deep moan dragging out so slow and thick it was like Jared got drunk off of just coming.
“Yeah. And um, Jensen, ‘bout that? Thing is, I wasn’t honest. Um, I’m a registered Independent. I even voted for Nader back in 2000.”
Jensen had started up the car, missed what he’d said and got him to repeat it. Silence stretched for a good long while before Jensen said, “You fucking asshole. I thought I’d-”
“What? Got fucked by Democratic dick? Sorry man. Hate to disappoint you. But hey, you want to put a little red on me, in me, I ain’t gonna stop you.”
Jensen had to struggle with threatening that all Jared’s gonna get are some massive blue balls but since it’s Jared’s evil mind that’s started all this what with Jensen now being guaranteed lots of incredibly hot sex for the foreseeable future, there’s no fucking way he’s getting into a punning match with him.
“Do more than just a little, Jay,” he said, soft and liked the noise that Jared breathed over the phone.
“We are going to have some awesome Election Day sex. You wanna watch Fox News while you fuck me?”
“Jesus. You are such a pervert.”
“Dude, Chad’s a pervert. I’m just creative.”
Fine, Jared won again. Didn’t matter though. Because yeah, Election Day sex? Jensen was more than up for that right about now.
end
Author: Regala Electra
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Sexual content, Extreme Political Crack, Language
Word Count: 1,925
Summary: Jensen Ackles is a Republican. Completely heterosexual. Which is why Jared Padalecki sexing him to oblivion will not make him change his mind. No way. “Sometimes you have to take one for your country, Jensen. And your country needs you to vote for Obama.”
Author’s Notes: I have no idea what the political persuasions are of either Jared Padalecki or Jensen Ackles. I honestly don’t want to know what their political beliefs are. Please do not read this if you are offended by any jokes making light of any political party. This is purely crack to scare ignited. Many hugs to her for letting me IM her this crack and also to memphis86 for awesome audiencing and support.
Super Warning: Please do not read this if you think it will offend you. I only have love in my heart and this is a complete work of fiction.
*
Jensen Ackles was a Republican and proud of it. He’s a Texan and a Red Stater and while he won’t publicly discuss his politics he feels very strongly about them. And sure, Jared might’ve started it by bringing up politics and invoking the word change as if it was something more than some trite political slogan.
In fact, ‘round about the time that everything went wrong with Jensen’s life, he might have been donating money over the internet to a particular candidate while Jensen’s hanging out in his trailer, waiting to be called for the next scene.
Jared was too fucking smart for his own good. His love of pranking the fuck of everyone and eating shitloads of candy was, in Jensen’s estimation, just a really freakish, childish cover to keep people from suspecting that he had brains. Evil brains.
Jensen never discussed politics with anyone not even Jared and he liked it that way. Loved it that way.
Then Jared asked him if he’s seen the “No You Can’t” McCain parody ad on You Tube.
And Jensen gulped and shook his head. And then screwed himself over when he said, “Sorry Jared, I don’t read liberal blogs and I don’t appreciate people bashing McCain.”
It was a slow head turn that cinched it, Jared’s look of incredulity that really made it all sink in, and Jensen could feel the headache starting, knowledge that he had no way to defend himself.
“What?”
“Um. I’m a, I’m… shit. Look, I vote my interests, okay?”
“Dude, I thought you’ be a Libertarian like Chad is. Seriously? I mean, you have a house in L.A.”
“Um,” Jensen said and a handful of lame excuses later, he slunk out of Jared’s trailer.
He was so fucked. Jared’s what some people call an optimist but to Jensen, he’s a really fucking earnest idealist. Jared believed in a way that terrified Jensen because sometimes it made Jensen think that fundamentally he was wrong somehow.
And Jared had a way of turning people toward his line of thinking. Sure it didn’t seem obvious at first but Jensen wasn’t letting anyone else hump him in public without decking ‘em in private, you know?
So. Fucking. Screwed.
*
By the third time Jared blew him, Jensen was willing to convert to another religion (the Holy Church of Jared’s Mouth, where Jensen would be the founding and hopefully sole worshipper), but he’d still been desperate to hold out. He had strong beliefs, dammit, they didn’t just go away because his friend and costar had started moving closer to him all the time for no reason and took care to touch him in these new and exciting ways (fingers skiming down Jensen’s forearm then touching Jensen’s watch and saying, “hey maybe I should get another watch, you like this one?”). But Jensen wasn’t as strong as he thought.
Jared kind of broke down Jensen’s I am so very very straight and hey did I tell you how straight I am? barrier that he had implemented in high school right around the time he nearly came in his pants when he caught sight of the football center and the quarterback involved in some ungentlemanly conduct in the locker room showers.
(Everyone had been kind and not mentioned how… close those two had been.)
Jensen leaned back, his face so fucking hot and lacking any ability to stop himself, he begged, “Please Jared, I'm going to die if you deep-throat me again.”
Yeah, so apparently he’s not as method as he always believed, he’s just extremely freaking melodramatic. But his heart could explode if Jared tried to suck him off again and then he’d be dead.
Jensen really didn’t want that to be how he was remembered: that actor who died from too many blowjobs.
“Sometimes you have to take one for your country, Jensen. And your country needs you to vote for Obama.”
This was the most dirty-bad-wrong sex that Jensen had ever had and he’d dated a fucking Playmate. No one had ever whispered policy platforms in his ear when he’d been jacked off before but Jared just had to be special.
Jared's grip was slack around his dick, and sure Jensen was hard and wanted it but he couldn't let this happen. Couldn’t let the gay wash over him and experience the brazen pleasure, the heat of Jared's mouth one more time or he'd be done for, forever, and what about his tax breaks?
Jared sighed against Jensen's thigh, his hair tickling Jensen's belly as he moved his head, tongue a bare flick away from licking a stripe up the side of Jensen’s cock. “I'm sorry but I think I'm going to have to fuck you now. It's the only way.”
Huh. Jensen had wondered why Jared had gotten naked too and hadn’t let Jensen touch him back.
“Doesn’t change my mind,” Jensen choked out, voice strangled as Jared slicked his fingers, rubbed below Jensen’s balls, stroking his perineum. “I, I have… God, do that again, fuck.”
Jared had nearly sucked one of Jensen’s balls in his mouth, he pulled back, his face so serious and thoughtful that Jensen didn’t know what to do with him. Kiss him would be a good idea but he did that then he’d really be done for. Whatever he wanted, yeah, Jensen would do it, just to get Jared smiling again wide and easy, not the careful look he had as he scruntized the situation, shaking his head, hair stuck up and ridiculous looking. He had insane sex hair.
(And fine, Jensen looked completely debauched too but at least his hair didn’t give it away. Yes that was incredibly petty and gay of him to point out. Whatever. His questionable heterosexuality was all but gone.)
“I'm not going to enjoy this as much as you will.”
Jensen blinked at the joke. Jared was stroking himself, grinning wide and holy fuck, he was lubing himself up, had slipped on a condom at some point.
“And I plan on enjoying it a lot. Trust me, this is gonna be awesome,” Jared promised. His voice took a darker turn as he leaned over, kissed Jensen fiercely before saying, “Get on your knees.”
Jensen would protest but he was already turning over, spreading his legs wide, knees pressed hard on the couch, holding onto the top for purchase. He felt Jared's slick fingers pressing deep and he moaned, “God, Jared. This is so against everything I'm supposed to believe in-”
“Supposed to?” Jared asked, his fingers stretching Jensen, readying him.
Mentally all Jensen could think was this: Please don’t touch my dick again or I’ll start begging for you to fuck me.
“Fuuuuck,” Jensen replied, amazed he could speak now that Jared had a third finger inside of his ass, stroking the right spot and Jensen rocked back on it, panting. Managed to say, “I've always believed in you, Jay. You know it.”
“It'll be okay,” Jared said as he continued to work Jensen to a brain meltdown. That or Jensen’s body was going to explode and yeah that orgasm would be worth dying for. “It's not a sin to vote blue. Anymore than getting a coupla black'n'blues from someone who cares about you.”
He nipped Jensen then, a little bite on his thigh, had Jensen gasping and moaning.
“You know I'm right.”
Jared kissed up Jensen's spine, nuzzling his nose against the back of neck. “Obama’s actually a lot more fiscally conservative than you give him credit for.”
At that, fingers pulled out and in that terrifying moment of clarification, Jensen realized how pivotal this moment was, giving his ass up to Jared and he was refusing to really be willing to listen to Jared’s thoughts about the presidential race, that he was just voting with his party because that’s what he’d always done, never given it more thought than that.
“Okay Jared. We don't have to. I mean,” Jensen stammered not knowing what the hell he meant. “I swear I’m gonna vote. I really will.”
Hands on his hips. Jared’s hands were on his hips. Had to bite his lip from begging Jared to just fucking do it.
Jared chuckled darkly, aligning his hips and Jensen could feel him, hard and ready, pressing against the crack of his ass. “This will be good. So good. And then you gonna understand.”
Panting, Jensen said, “God. I don't think I will. I mean, God. Jared.”
“Gotta say it, Jensen.”
The words ripped out of him as Jared pushed inside, mixed in with grunting but it was there all right: “Yes we can!”
He came against the couch, thick spurts and Jared had barely touched him.
*
“I voted, Jared,” Jensen told him, hoping that maybe some phone sex would happen which only goes to show how stupid Jared had made him as Jensen kind of needed an orgasm now that sex + politics had been forever linked in his brain.
A Pavlovian response, Jared declared, when they’d gotten so horny after doing a CW Stars Rock the Vote promo that they’d barely waited to find a private space to start jacking each other off. Jared had licked the come off his fingers and Jensen wanted then to start debating about campaign finance reform so yeah, there’s no way of separating it.
“You fired up then?”
“And ready to go,” he promised Jared, cock twitching, his jeans too tight.
“Damn,” Jared said and there’s a slick noise of movement, sound of flesh being stroked, a wet noise, little bit of lube ‘cause Jared liked it like that and it wasn’t fair.
Jensen needed to watch that even with the great visual in his head it wasn’t anything like being there. He was still walking towards his car and he had to wait, had to listen to Jared, being driven insane that Jared’s touching himself and Jensen wasn’t there to watch him fall apart. “I can’t believe I convinced you to-thought you were a lost cause, thought-”
“You made a convincing argument,” Jensen said, his free hand curling into a fist when he heard Jared coming, hard and noisy, the deep moan dragging out so slow and thick it was like Jared got drunk off of just coming.
“Yeah. And um, Jensen, ‘bout that? Thing is, I wasn’t honest. Um, I’m a registered Independent. I even voted for Nader back in 2000.”
Jensen had started up the car, missed what he’d said and got him to repeat it. Silence stretched for a good long while before Jensen said, “You fucking asshole. I thought I’d-”
“What? Got fucked by Democratic dick? Sorry man. Hate to disappoint you. But hey, you want to put a little red on me, in me, I ain’t gonna stop you.”
Jensen had to struggle with threatening that all Jared’s gonna get are some massive blue balls but since it’s Jared’s evil mind that’s started all this what with Jensen now being guaranteed lots of incredibly hot sex for the foreseeable future, there’s no fucking way he’s getting into a punning match with him.
“Do more than just a little, Jay,” he said, soft and liked the noise that Jared breathed over the phone.
“We are going to have some awesome Election Day sex. You wanna watch Fox News while you fuck me?”
“Jesus. You are such a pervert.”
“Dude, Chad’s a pervert. I’m just creative.”
Fine, Jared won again. Didn’t matter though. Because yeah, Election Day sex? Jensen was more than up for that right about now.
end