{Essay} ❀ Alma
"That Person"
To put it shortly, she means the world to him. He may be lacking in the memory department in regards to who she was and what they were, but he recognizes his feelings and that she's one of the few memories that broke through says something. Kanda is completely head over heels, and whether he really remembers why or not is totally insignificant to what he feels. And he accepts these feelings--he's not in denial about it. And he's not ashamed or bothered by them--even if it's also heartbreaking for him, it's love. It's just too muddled into his past for him to ever talk to anyone about.
But he's not delusional. He recognizes that it may have been decades since he died. That she may be dead herself, or she might've moved on, or any number of things. But she's the last bit of hope he has, and he clings to it with everything he's got so he has something to live for. And he made a promise, which he will do everything in his power to fulfill. He's not exacting for things to magically be wonderful when he finds her, or for them to get together, or for him to get answers or recall more memories, or anything like that. His expectations are only keeping his promise, and he'll figure out what to do from there.
Alma the Best Friend
Major sore spot. Because tsundere about it as he was, Alma really was his friend. He was the one good thing in all of his suffering, and he kind of left off on a bad note. But he doesn't hate Alma for it. Doesn't even really blame him, because until he was talking to Marie he was contemplating a murderous rampage too (it's questionable if he would have followed through on it anyway, though). It's just... depressing for him. It hurts he had to kill him and he wishes he didn't, and that they could have both lived and stuck together through everything. But he doesn't dwell on it, because there's nothing to be done about it now. His will to survive was just greater than his friendship. So he quietly locks Alma away in his head, regards him as dead and over with and doesn't think about him unless something prompts him to remember. If he had another chance, though, once he got through his denial, he'd take it.
Alma as a Whole
The love and attachment Kanda has for Alma is still present regardless which form he's in. He's still his friend, and his goal, and the truth didn't dissuade him or his feelings. But there is some fluctuation between how he feels with who Alma was and who he is now. Because his feelings for That Person are all based on memory, where as the friendship he built with Alma was of his own present development. So while he cares a lot about Alma, he doesn't have the same strong romantic attachment, or even as strong of an attachment at all. He's willing to throw Alma away for That Person, because she ultimately means more (but he doesn't like the fighting at all--and it hurts so much when he thinks about it).
But this becomes more muddled once he actually knows the truth, and that they are one in the same. He's not automatically in love with Alma, but Alma becomes much more central to his world than he was before. He can't fight him anymore, and his love becomes stronger now that Alma's not just his childhood friend, but the person he'd give anything for. He consolidates his relationship with That Person and with Alma, to viewing Alma as his most important friend. And while a romantic attraction isn't impossible, it would have to develop on it's own again rather than hit him suddenly and instantly like it did with remembering That Person.
To put it shortly, she means the world to him. He may be lacking in the memory department in regards to who she was and what they were, but he recognizes his feelings and that she's one of the few memories that broke through says something. Kanda is completely head over heels, and whether he really remembers why or not is totally insignificant to what he feels. And he accepts these feelings--he's not in denial about it. And he's not ashamed or bothered by them--even if it's also heartbreaking for him, it's love. It's just too muddled into his past for him to ever talk to anyone about.
But he's not delusional. He recognizes that it may have been decades since he died. That she may be dead herself, or she might've moved on, or any number of things. But she's the last bit of hope he has, and he clings to it with everything he's got so he has something to live for. And he made a promise, which he will do everything in his power to fulfill. He's not exacting for things to magically be wonderful when he finds her, or for them to get together, or for him to get answers or recall more memories, or anything like that. His expectations are only keeping his promise, and he'll figure out what to do from there.
Alma the Best Friend
Major sore spot. Because tsundere about it as he was, Alma really was his friend. He was the one good thing in all of his suffering, and he kind of left off on a bad note. But he doesn't hate Alma for it. Doesn't even really blame him, because until he was talking to Marie he was contemplating a murderous rampage too (it's questionable if he would have followed through on it anyway, though). It's just... depressing for him. It hurts he had to kill him and he wishes he didn't, and that they could have both lived and stuck together through everything. But he doesn't dwell on it, because there's nothing to be done about it now. His will to survive was just greater than his friendship. So he quietly locks Alma away in his head, regards him as dead and over with and doesn't think about him unless something prompts him to remember. If he had another chance, though, once he got through his denial, he'd take it.
Alma as a Whole
The love and attachment Kanda has for Alma is still present regardless which form he's in. He's still his friend, and his goal, and the truth didn't dissuade him or his feelings. But there is some fluctuation between how he feels with who Alma was and who he is now. Because his feelings for That Person are all based on memory, where as the friendship he built with Alma was of his own present development. So while he cares a lot about Alma, he doesn't have the same strong romantic attachment, or even as strong of an attachment at all. He's willing to throw Alma away for That Person, because she ultimately means more (but he doesn't like the fighting at all--and it hurts so much when he thinks about it).
But this becomes more muddled once he actually knows the truth, and that they are one in the same. He's not automatically in love with Alma, but Alma becomes much more central to his world than he was before. He can't fight him anymore, and his love becomes stronger now that Alma's not just his childhood friend, but the person he'd give anything for. He consolidates his relationship with That Person and with Alma, to viewing Alma as his most important friend. And while a romantic attraction isn't impossible, it would have to develop on it's own again rather than hit him suddenly and instantly like it did with remembering That Person.