since it's been three months.
++
I'm going to be legal at the end of this month. A frightening thought.
I suppose I can't suppress it anymore. There's no use in pretending that this journal doesn't exist, I continually use it to speak to others. It's mostly when no one else is around, though. There's just no more point.
Weren't my OWL scores good enough? Wasn't I a good son? And a good heir (so far)? Why am I being asked to harm families of people that I know?
Sometimes I despise my family. Sometimes I just want to do what Sirius did, just run away and leave behind all the responsibilities and loyalties and all the family I've ever known.
But then again, sometimes I can be a completely irrational git, like Sirius.
Sometimes I despise school. I just want to quit it entirely and focus on something else. Sometimes I despise my friends. Sometimes I despise what I love. Sometimes I just want to throw it all away and move to Tunisia.
I'm mostly sure that I'm done worrying, though. I have to hurt bloodtraitors before Christmas or my family will force me to kill myself so they can get their honour back. I have to think about what I want to do with my life. I have to make decisions and get married and do all sorts of things that, if I'm being honest with myself, I don't really want to do.
I have to kill. And I'm scared. But I'll do it.
I'm just tired of being undecided.
++
A flock of bowtruckles attacked me (Unprovoked, mind!) as I was passing through the entrance hall, they must have been nested in one of the evergreens. Now I'm covered in scratches and a good pair of my robes are torn.
This season gets less jolly with each year.