ANIMORPHS: THE OMGWTF
Moah-Sinrall-Ices stepped delicately into the small clearing. His hooves could leech nothing from the trampled soil, and the still-smoking fire at the center of the grass was making him uncomfortably hot. The air was already humid and practically unbearable; an uncharted island south of India was not necessarily the greatest environment for an Andalite.
And yet this meadow was proof that one did reside here. An old model thirteen was haphazardly covered with ferns and saplings, a fresh job; Mosh could smell the sap and the sharp scent of cut greenery. Tools were also littered about the ground by the ship.
A few steps closer and Mosh’s stalk eyes caught the sight of movement within a cluster of bushes. Keen amber eyes watched him carefully. He wasn’t afraid. Not because his tail was faster than any Earth animal, which it was, but because he recognized that morph. Knowing he was spotted, the Asiatic lion leapt from its hiding spot and roared loudly enough to rattle the open door of the fighter.
< Did I catch you at a bad time?> Mosh asked, a smirk evident in his telepathic voice.
It was not a male lion, but a female Andalite in morph. Specifically, one Icisilia-Samoya-Milan. And she’d taken great pains to quickly conceal her presence. The lion bared its teeth.
< Maybe,> she said. The lion lifted his head and scented the air, padding closer. < It’s really Mosh?>
< Who else would be foolish enough to come out here and find you? But in the same respect, who would have been smart enough to figure out where you are?>
< Lots of people. Tom, Vaud, or maybe even Rian.>
< Riiiight,> said Mosh. He rolled both sets of eyes and crossed his thin arms. < Demorph and talk with me? I’m not here to fight, I brought you news.>
The lion stared at him, unforgiving eyes unblinking.
< Well?> Mosh said, impatience showing as he stamped a forehoof. < I came all this way. It’s important news. I’d prefer it if you weren’t staring at me as if I were a snack!>
Without a word the demorph began, transforming the lion into its true form. Icis was no less intimidating, Mosh decided, especially as she whipped her tail with something close to vicious intent in her main eyes.
(LOLOLOL ICIS AND HER 12-YEAR OLD HUMAN MORPH COURTESY OF REI CIRCA 2003)
< Um..> Mosh said, and Icis would have growled if it were possible. Instead, she struck the trunk of a tree with the blade of her tail and began the morphing process again. Icis shrunk, became plumper, and took on the form of a barely teenaged girl.
“Is this better?” she asked, reaching backward to gather her copper-colored hair together and lift it off of her neck.
< Much!> Mosh said, smiling with his eyes. He began the morphing process himself, transforming into a black cat and rushing to rub at her legs. < I would have done this sooner, but you probably would have eaten me.>
“Probably,” she echoed, her face twisted into an expression that Mosh couldn’t read. He chose to believe she was apologetic. Without seeming to think, Icis held out her hands and Mosh leapt into her arms. “What’s the news?”
< You should sit,> Mosh said. She looked at him with an eyebrow cocked. < No, really. Sit down.>
Icis held Mosh in her arms as she stepped across the clearing and ducked through the open door of the model thirteen. The sickbay had a seat, which would have been odd if the fighter had belonged to anyone from the Home World, but she had built the bay and installed the seat herself. Pride of Lion was not new to Mosh, he’d been inside before.
The girl sat down and placed Mosh in her lap, sighing heavily as she gazed down at the cat. < What?> asked Mosh, bold with her as usual.
“You don’t know what I’m feeling,” she snapped back. “Maybe I’m thinking about breaking your neck.”
< You would have done it by now. No reason to be so hostile. Kitty form is supposed to calm you down.>
“I’m calm, I’m calm!” she said, halfassedly patting his head. “See that? Affection. Out with your news.”
Well aware that she had the potential to be a loose cannon, he figured it was best to just come out with it. < Luke is dead.>
Mosh didn’t know quite what he had expected from her, but she didn’t really disappoint. Stone faced, not even the corner of her lip twitched. After a pause she asked, “How?”
< Skrit Na. They’ve sort of become a threat, Icis. But,> he said, cutting off a snarl that had begun, < I’m not here to ask you to come fight them or anything. I’m actually here because of Luke’s dying request.>
“Which involves me?” Icis asked.
< It does. I’ve brought Luke’s journal. It.. has some very interesting information within it. I thought granting his last request would be the right thing to do.>
“What was the last request?”
< That you see what was written.>
“Has anyone else?”
Mosh was quiet for a beat too long. Icis growled.
< Only I read it! Oh, Ven and Rian and Jinx too. And possibly Albion.>
“Albion!?”
< Think happy thoughts, calm thoughts!>
“Happy and calm? Luke is dead, he left me his journal, and it’s already been perused? Is nothing sacred?”
Mosh muttered, < Apparently not.>
“What is that supposed to mean?” Icis began to demorph, and Mosh sunk his claws into her legs.
< You’ll have to read it to find out. It’s in my ship.>
Icis paused mid-demorph, her mouth open.
< Yes, I came in a ship.>
“No, you fool, are you trying to lure me back?”
< Look, I might miss you every now and then, but not enough to force you back to civilization and have to deal with the trouble that’s going to bring. Let’s just go get the journal and I’ll hold your hand while you read it.>
Icis glared at him and shoved him off of her lap.
< HT, HT, it’s a comfort thing!>
“Hold my hand!? Just what does that journal have written in it?”
In seconds she was back into Andalite form, and Mosh had no choice but to follow suite. They stood there facing each other and sparks seemed to fly.
< We know about your love affair with Luke,> Mosh said.
< My.. what?> It is very hard to stutter telepathically, but that is what she did.
< The details of it are too explicit for my delicate nature. You know all about it, anyway. I’m just delivering the book.>
< WHAT!?> Her angry yell hurt his mind, and Mosh winced. He wisely said nothing, only backed himself out of the fighter and back into the already grazed grass. < Mosh! What!? WHAT!? Say it again!>
< Your.. torrid love affair with Luke?> Mosh supplied.
She followed him as he backed away, her tail raised dangerously. Her hooves gouged the ground and her muscular form practically vibrated with rage. < Take me,> she said.
< Take you?>
< Take me back. I’ve got to defend my name.>
Mosh didn’t know if he should regret his decision to come there. But it was too late now.
< Calm yourself, Icy Poo,> Mosh said, as his andalite stalk eyes seemed to smile even more with the remembrance of her old name.
< WHAT did I tell you about calling me that disgusting name,> Icis replied bitterly as he lead her south out of the meadow towards a dense forest.
< Save it for the bedroom?>
< You disgust me. I’ll let you know that in less than a millisecond my tail can sever your head from your worthless body, > Icis snarled.
< Oh, Icy Poo…> Mosh began, pressing his luck. < You know it’s all in good fun. Anyway, what Luke called you was much more, well, how should I put this? Delightful?>
< It’s very fortunate for you I want to get to your ship so I can read this obnoxious piece of distorted history, otherwise you’d be dead by now, > Icis grumbled as she began swinging he tail into nearby vegetation, taking out her frustrations. < How much further is it, anyway?>
Mosh stopped for a second, turning his stalk eyes around towards Icis. < It’s just a little further. The ship is on the beach. You’d better hurry though, I’m double-parked. And I’m in handicapped.>
< You’re on the beach?!> Icis snarled as she began to sprint ahead. < Did you ever wonder what would happen if there were a passing freighter that might just spot it? I don’t want to give any reason to draw attention to my home!> Her massive hooves seemed to thunder as she hurried through the forest, and disappeared in the distance.
< Well, actually,> Mosh stalled and began to speak to himself. < No, I suppose I didn’t think about that.> He pushed himself to his physical limits in order to just barely being able to hear Icis rip apart the jungle ahead.
Finally, after about twenty minutes of racing through the forest, an exhausted Mosh began to reach the sandy shores, to see Icis standing by his ship, arms folded. < Took long enough.> Icis snickered. < But then again everyone always did lag behind me when I was in front.>
< Whatever,> Mosh said as he rolled his stalk eyes. < At least I didn’t sleep with Luke. But then again, since he was my half brother, that would be slightly awkward, as well. I mean, I’m from the Andalite home world and not from Kentucky.>
< You’re really something else, > Icis stared blankly at Mosh. Her initial shock of the unexpected visitor was dissolving, as her curiosity to read what was written seemed to grow more and more. < So, do I get to read this journal or not?>
< Of course, of course,> Mosh replied as he trotted his way towards the ship entrance. < If you’d excuse me for just a moment I’ll go fetch it for you. The beach seems like such a lovely place to read such illicit smut.>
Icis remained standing, arms folded, not showing any hint of emotion as Mosh entered his ship. Seconds later, he reemerged with a ragged, leather bound journal. < If you wish, my offer to hold your hand is still on the table. I know this must be awfully rough for you,> Mosh offered.
< I think it would be in your best interests to stand as far away from me as possible. I wouldn’t want you to have an accidental decapitation.> Icis snapped as she lashed her hand out to snatch the book from Mosh’s hands.
< As you wish,> Mosh said as he shrugged his shoulders. < Go to the page I’ve so kindly bookmarked for you. That’s where it gets good.> Icis huffed and opened the book. All four of her eyes seemed to burn a hole into the paper. Mosh, knowing what she was about to read, wisly backed away out of reach of her tail. She read quickly, and to herself:
“June 23, 1999
It’s been almost three days since I first professed my love to Icis. Her initial shock of my mere suggestion of us consummating our love seems to have dissipated, and in return she seems to have been flirting with the idea of us finally doing the deed. Last night, she approached me in my bedchambers as I slept.
“Take me quickly,” she told me in her human morph. My eyes shifted from her gorgeous face, downwards. There she was, completely nude. I motioned for her to climb into my bed as I morphed into a horse. I knew how she’d like it. And sadly, as a human, I was not equipped enough to please her.
As my body began to grow in the morph, I got out of my bed and looked down upon the beauty that had sprawled herself out. My morph was complete. And I was ready…”
All four of Icis’ eyes widened as she slammed the book shut.
Weak Andalite arms weren’t equipped to throw things, and when she flung the book towards the open hatch of the ship it fell short. Tail whipping in agitation, Icis bounded up the ramp to the ship and kicked at the book, sending it flying inside. Mosh trotted in behind her.
< I’m steering!> Icis snapped.
< It’s my ship!>
< Try and stop me!>
Icis was female, but she was as large as any male, and a touch larger than Mosh. She bumped him hard with her hindquarters as she took the helm, not even budging as he bumped her back.
< You’re as stubborn and delightful to be around as ever!> Mosh said, stabbing her ankle with a sharp forehoof. Icis whirled on him, four eyes wide with something akin to insanity.
< You’re flirting with death!> she said to him, before turning to begin commanding the computer to shut the hatch. < You’re not flying this ship. You’re going to man the weapon station and keep silent over there. If I hear one word about Luke or that vile piece of trash he wrote, I swear you’ll never forget the mistake.>
< In case you’ve forgotten, I’m all about mistakes.> Mosh reached for something that was suspended in a zero-gravity cabinet. As the hatch of the ship whooshed closed, he kicked Icis again, this time behind the knee of her hind leg. She stumbled and fell, lashing out with her tail and just missing him. < I did date you.>
< CHEAP SHOT!> she cried as he lunged and injected her with the syringe he’d gotten from the cabinet. Instantly she went limp and he was able to step over her and touch the control panel.
< Computer, set auto-pilot to the Home location.>
“Auto-pilot initiated,” the computer responded.
< Transmit a message to Arbron.>
“More information is needed.”
Mosh steeled himself as the ship began to rise. His eyes narrowed in annoyance. < Arbron. He fought in the war.>
“There are listings for exactly twelve thousand four hundred and seventy six Arbrons. More information is needed.”
< You’ve got to be kidding me. He was a war hero!>
“Twelve thousand three hundred and thirteen match the criteria you have input. More information is needed.”
< Alright, I’ve had enough. Boot the search database. Input password: Cassie’s Cool Pool. Search Albion.>
“Albion, a human morpher. Also known by the names Albionjers, Alby, and Stupid Tiger Bitch. Last known appearance was a public engagement attended with Luke. Family names are unknown.”
< Associates of Albion?>
“Moah-Sinrall-Ices, Luke, Jinx, Rian Five Oh One, Icisilia-Samoya-Milan, Thomas, Kitty, Arbron.”
< Transmit a message to Arbron.>
“There are listings for exactly twelve thousand four hundred and seventy six Arbrons. More information is needed.”
< You have got to be kidding me! Forget it. Computer, transmit a message to Rian Five Oh One. Dictate as follows: “Hey Rian, it’s Mosh, I’ve got a little surprise for everyone! We should meet at a neutral spot; I think a fantastic place would be Icis’s old meadow. It will be a Groupie reunion. Would you mind letting everyone else know? Tomorrow morning at ten, central time. Let me know!” End message.>
“Message has been delivered.”
Mosh sighed and looked down at the prone form of Icis. He’d been prepared for something like that, but it hadn’t been his idea to bring a sedative. That was all Kitty’s. He hadn’t spoken to her or seen her in such a long time, but they kept in touch through human e-mails.
An hour passed. Mosh must have been dozing, because the static voice of the computer startled him into reality.
“You’ve got a transmission,” said the computer.
< Open it.>
“It’s a voice transmission. It follows: “Mosh, it’s Rian. I’ve contacted everyone like you asked of me, but it wasn’t cheap. I had my private investigator do it. It put me in the hole. I hope whatever it is happens to be worth it. I’ll be washing dishes for months to pay this one off. Do you have any idea how many Arbrons there are? See you in the morning.”
If Mosh had a mouth, he would have grinned.
Since the war ended, Rian Five-Oh-One had readjusted back into a quasi-normal human life. She was a homeowner, had two dogs, had a steady job, and was the proud proprietor of a massive shrine of Jinx in her basement in which she prayed to seven times a day. Fourteen on Thursdays, which was the day they met.
She was in the midst of prayer when she heard her answering machine go on alert mode. Instantly frustrated, she ended her prayer and turned to head up the stairs. “Close door to paradise,” she said as she left the shrine room, the door locking automatically behind her. Her feet pounded the newly refinished wooden stairs. The machine continued to beep until her finger touched the button.
“Hey Rian, it’s Mosh, I’ve got a little surprise for everyone! We should meet at a neutral spot; I think a fantastic place would be Icis’s old meadow. It will be a Groupie reunion. Would you mind letting everyone else know? Tomorrow morning at ten, central time. Let me know!” Rian blinked her eyes a couple of times, and a smile spread across her face.
She ran full speed towards her cell phone. “Call LOVE OF MY LIFE,” she commanded. The phone rang on the other end, but was eventually sent to voicemail. “Oh, m’love, how these games you play torture my heart,” she sighed. She pulled a notepad and pen out of her pocket and quickly wrote a poem about how she felt.
She called back.
Again.
And again.
And again.
And again for the next twenty minutes.
And finally a voice came through, perhaps a bit angry, “WHAT DO YOU NEED?! AND HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?! I quite literally just changed it this morning!”
Rian’s face instantly lit up. She giggled into the phone, “Hi Jinxy! How are you today?”
“I’m fine,” Jinx said, quite exasperated. “What do you need that’s so important that you need to call me while I’m having my hourly duck feeding? You know I don’t like to be interrupted.”
Rian giggled again, “Oh Jinxy! You’re just so cute. I could eat you up like you eat up those vegetable thins you love so much!” She continued to jot her feelings into muddled poetry as she spoke.
“Is this why you called me?”
Rian smacked herself in the forehead, “Oh silly me, I got carried away my love! Mosh called me just now and left me a message!”
“Oh?” Jinx asked, his voice taking a turn towards a more serious nature. “Did he say anything about me?”
Rian’s stomach turned as she heard the hopefulness in his voice. She quickly became bitter, “NO! He didn’t say anything about you, exactly.” She scribbled even more into her notepad, and starred her latest verse to remind her to post it to her online poetry journal.
“Well, then why are you calling me? Quackers is so mad at me right now, so this better be good,” Jinx grumbled.
Rian forgot why she was angry as Jinx spoke. The very sound of his voice made her smile spread from ear to ear. “He wants to have a get together!” She squealed excitedly as she was happier at the opportunity of seeing Jinx. She shifted her eyes back and forth and threw in, “And he specifically said that everyone should bring dates, so I think that you and I should go together!”
Jinx knew Rian had become slightly deranged with her obsession, and completely disregarded her last statement, but questioned where this meeting would take place. Rian filled him in on all the details, and Jinx reluctantly obliged to appear at the reunion. She attempted to make more small talk as she strolled around her blue-painted living room, as she plopped down into her blue sofa, letting the thick blue carpet squish between her blue toenails. Jinx eventually hung up, and sent her a text saying he had poor service.
Rian lounged on her couch a bit more. Feeling a bit lethargic, she called up Lyle, her P.I. “Hey Lyle, it’s me! I have a job for you!” She paused while she listened to the voice on the other line. Then she responded, “Nope! He hasn’t changed his number yet so I’m good there! But all my former associates, I want you to track them down and give them the message that Mosh wants to have a meeting tomorrow at Icis’ old meadow at ten in the morning, central time zone!” She hung up the phone, and wrote a little more into her notepad about how phones without video capability depressed her and made her crave Jinx’s love.
Lyle eventually called back, disrupting Rian’s next prayer session. “Lyle Andrew Austin! You know better than to call me at 8:42 at night! You must know by now that it was at that time that Jinx blessed my first sneeze at that time!” Frustration filled her, but the memory of Jinx lightened her mood quickly. She listened to Lyle. “What do you mean Arbron is the human equivalent to Ashley? Hmph. I had no idea. But you did get a hold of him, right?”
Rian stroked the doll made out of Jinx’s fallen eyelashes while she listened to Lyle’s banter. “Yes, yes. The money on this is no object to me, since I get to see my Honey Bunches. Have a good night, Lyle.” She hung up the phone, and embraced her doll, kissing it gently on the lips.
Rian, drunk with happiness, skipped towards her bedroom closet to prepare her clothing for the morning. She took out her favorite blue miniskirt, in hopes of impressing a certain person. “I simply can’t wait!” She wailed while throwing herself onto her Jinx-themed quilted bed comforter. She fell asleep, and dreamt of the next morning.
< Can I trust you to get up and not act like a hotheaded moron?> was the first thing that Icis heard as she came out of her forced slumber. She blinked in confusion, thinking herself dreaming, but the cold stainless steel floor that her face was pressed against seemed too real. As she swiveled her stalk eyes upward, she caught a glance of the journal laying open on the floor near her face and it all came back to her.
< No!>
< Icis, remember the good old days? I was a cat, you were an Andalite aristh with no prince, we got into a lot of trouble, you got your scars, the Ellimist set you on fire?>
< Those were not the “good” old days, those were the “ridiculously bad” old days and I’ve done everything in my power to get away from all of you!>
Mosh narrowed his main eyes. His face looked angry but he held an angry posture, arms out. < I’ll never understand it! We were both arrogant, princeless rebels who decided to take the war into our own hands. You chose to come with me, you chose to fight, you loved every second of it! You fought friend and foe alike, there was never a time when you didn’t have blood on your tail. And now I, an old friend, return to bring you news of our old alliance and the only reason you’re coming back is to refute the claims that you had abominable horsesex with Luke!>
< You’re right,> Icis said, using her tail as leverage to regain her balance. When she was situated, she raised her face to the ceiling and pointed with a single finger. < But it’s not my fault. Its Hers. You know of whom I speak!>
< The Muns? You’re blaming this on the Muns?>
< She chose to make me tragic! I suppose it would explain my deteriorating mental stability; the lengths to which I would go, in the end, to make all of my enemies miserable. Any slight against me, intentional or not, was met with swift punishment.. I began to be tired of the pain that others brought me.. the only solution was to leave.>
Mosh stared at her for a silent moment. Finally, he said, < Okay, emo kid, would you like a tissue for all of those self-inflicted wounds?>
< If I remember correctly,> Icis said, one stalk eye on Mosh, < it was Thomas who said “Don’t let your mascara run, crybaby!” and I believe it was directed at you!>
Enough! came a feminine voice from the heavens. Time seemed to stop. Icis lowered her face and glared with all four eyes at Mosh. Get that look off of your face, Icislia! I made you, and I’ll break you.
< It is a Mun!> Mosh cried. < And that means..>
That’s right, I’m here too, said a male voice. You two bickered and squabbled in the past, but it was always over quickly. This is three chapters so far of nothing but sniping back and forth.
It’s tiring, said the female. And it can’t be too fun to read. The insults aren’t all that original.
It is our official order that you two stop. We’re trying to write a comedy, here. You’re making it difficult!
< Or what!?> challenged Icis.
Or the story Luke wrote ends up actually being true.
< Okay, we’ll stop,> said Icis.
< I’m not convinced,> said Mosh. His eyes were smirking.
You and Icis will date again. Forever.
The two Andalites faced each other. Mosh swept his eyes over Icis, Icis flared her nostrils and stamped a hoof.
< We will stop,> said Mosh.
Time started back up again.
The computer announced, “Ten minutes until auto-pilot destination: Home.”
Icis turned away from Mosh, somberly heading to look out of the small window. She stayed there, silent, for the ten minutes that it took to reach wherever Home would be. When Icis imagined home, it was her meadow, or the bright city she’d left behind so many years ago. New Orleans, that was it; so many glorious sensations for the human mouth in that one place. The grass was always damp and sweet as well.
< Computer, prepare the ship for landing.>
“Command recognized. Initiating landing sequence. Auto-pilot destination: Home within sight.”
< ..What the fuck?> said Icis as the ship began to drop. She pressed her face against the window.
< Do you like it? I bought it with the fortune we got for saving the planet. I thought it would be a great home for all of the Groupies, but only Ven moved in with me.>
< Mosh. You..> Icis paused, aware that the Muns were watching. She sighed and put it as delicately as possible. < You bought Neverland Ranch!?>
< Well, duh. It’s where we’re landing, isn’t it? I can’t wait for you to see what I’ve done with the place!> he replied.
< Wow,> was all she could say. < Wow.>
The two andalites trotted off the ship, Icis trailing behind out of fear of saying something that may anger the Muns. The two passed underneath a giant archway, that once Icis studied closer she realized it was a giant statue of two prepubescent boys embracing, both of their legs spread, creating the archway.
< Really, now?> Icis asked, not being able to contain herself.
< What’s the matter?> Mosh asked, stopping to turn towards her, who continued to gawk at the statue.
< What the fuck is this?>
< Oh, that. The feds won’t allow me to take it down, ever since Michael Jackson has been on the run. They want to keep a few parts of the landscaping in tact for once they finally capture him,> Mosh informed. Then he threw out, < Did you know that he had an illicit affair with Tobias?>
Icis blinked all four eyes in unison. < I had no idea.>
< Alright then, enough gawking. Let’s move along.> The two aliens continued to stroll through the property, Icis occasionally stopping to gawk at the scenery.
< Why is that who I think it is?> A familiar voice filled Icis’ head. She turned her head to the right, one stalk eye left, and the other behind her in attempts to survey the situation. Mosh seemed oblivious, so obviously the thought speak was directed at her alone.
< Who’s there?> She hissed back in thoughtspeak. Mosh stopped to look at her.
< Now what are you tripping on?>
< Somebody’s fucking with me. Ven?> Icis said, snapping her head left and write, her stalk eyes other directions.
< Ven isn’t here,> Mosh replied. < She said she’d be back in the morning, she flew to Japan a few days back for some Sailor Moon convention. She was raving about the lesbian undertones and Serena’s panties for weeks…>
< Icisssssssssssss,> the voice filled her head again. Her eyes seemed to bug out of her head.
< WHO THE HELL IS THERE?!> Icis snarled, as her blade-like tail tensed. Mosh took a few steps back from her, getting out of harms way.
The bushes behind a sculpture of a mostly nude Peter Pan began to rustle. Mosh noticed, and by the time he turned to look at the noise, Icis was already at the shrubbery. Her tail was poised and ready to strike.
RRRRROOOAAARRRRRGGHHHH! roared the tiger in the bushes. Icis was so unprepared for the pounce that she couldn’t even strike with her tail. It was like an Animal Planet out of the Twilight Zone.. a blue deer is taken down amongst a forest of naked adolescent boy statues by her native enemy, the morph of a tragically horny human girl.
< GET OFF OF ME! > screamed Icis in pure rage, whipping her tail about wildly but unable to do any damage because the tiger had the blade clamped very tightly in her powerful jaws.
< Not until you stroke my fur and tell me what a pretty little pussy I am, > Albion said with a purr. Wicked claws began to knead at Icis’s sensitive Andalite skin.
Icis cracked her tail like a bullwhip, taking out a yellowed fang just at the gums and freeing herself for combat. As Albion roared in pain, Icis rolled to her feet and pointed at the rapidly demorphing tiger.
< Tiger morph is so overdone, you little bitch! Arbron might have been impressed by your copycat ways but you need to remember that I ruined him long before you got to him with your disgusting and diseased Earth genitals! >
Quiet clapping startled Icis out of her righteous pose. Mosh was doing his best to clap with his weak Andalite arms and it would have been a failure by most standards but to Icis it was as humiliating as being tackled by Albion.
< What’s your problem!? > she snarled at Mosh.
< Still bitter that you lost Arbron to her? > Mosh said, not without some pity in his voice.
< WILL YOU EVER LET THAT DIE!? >
< It will never get old, > Mosh said.
Their argument was interrupted by the whimpering of a human woman. Albion had completed her demorph and now sat at the base of one of the statues. Her DDD-breasts were a pillow for her chin as she slumped against the statue and sobbed.
< What the fuck? > Mosh said.
“No one loves me,” said Albion. “Only my dearest Arbron did.. and Luke, of course. Luke,” she said, casting a withering glare at Icis, “was a lover abovet all lovers. Why did you take him from me? Revenge!? I only took Arbron because you didn’t truly appreciate him!”
Icis took a few delicate steps forward and planted a hoof directly into her forehead. < Okay, look, > Icis said, < I’m getting ridiculously disgusted by this continual joke that you took Arbron from me. I was DONE with him, okay, I was moving on to seemingly greener pastures, like Raptorious who gave me a nearly incurable STD, and Mosh.. who humps butts. And might I add, that’s some fantastic plastic surgery you’ve had? >
The last comment was made with sincerity. Albion was a bombshell in every sense of the word. Her body was amazing, her breasts the center of all attention, and the tiny dress she wore made it quite obvious that she’d had surgery everywhere. There was no camel toe where there should have been. It was amazing.
The only problem was that her face didn’t move anymore, but that’s a small price to pay.
“Thanks,” Albion said and smiled with her eyes.
< Honorary Andalite! > Mosh cried.
< I’m heading inside, > Icis said.
She turned and made her way down the marble pathway to the large mansion. Icis had begun to feel a bit self-conscious, which was a rare event. She tried to swing her hips a bit as she walked, and had just begun humming “I’m Too Sexy” for a bit of an ego boost when she caught a bit of the conversation behind her.
< - and so that’s why I asked what you were doing here, I’d told Rian to have everyone meeting tomorrow morning at - >
Icis froze.
What.
Did.
He.
Just.
Say?
< RIAN!?!? > she shrieked in outrage.
< Uh-oh, > said Mosh.
“Uh-oh,” said Albion.
Surprise was a good emotion for Albion. It’s the way her face was frozen in the first place.
How dare you not tell me that Yeerk scum was going to be here?! > Icis demanded. She feverishly searched for something near by to break. Nothing she dared touch without her hand sanitizer on her.
"Well, Rian is technically a member of the group," Albion began to say, attempting a cheery smile.
< She most definitely is not! Do you two not recall ME saying she was not allowed, > Icis huffed. < One day Mosh just brought in some reformed hippie slug into our tight knit circle of friends. That's when the problems started! >
Albion cocked her head to the side, slightly confused. "But, weren't you and Rian lovers?"
Before Icis knew what she was doing, her tail went straight towards Albion's heart. Before Mosh even had time to react, the andalite tail pierced through Albion's chest. With lightning speed, Icis removed it.
< ICIS! > cried Mosh. Albion stood there, slightly bloody and confused. She looked down at her chest only to see a saline solution dripping from her left breast. And that's when Albion collapsed.
< Now look what you did, > Mosh muttered shaking his head. < Do you think she's going to be alright? >
Icis wiped the gel-like substance on the poor girl's miniskirt. < Yeah, she'll be fine. >
Mosh looked down on Albion's body. Her left breast had been reduced to barely an A cup, while the right seemed to appear larger than ever. As if reading Mosh's thoughts, Icis carefully made an incision on Albion's right breast, popping the other implant as well. Mosh was pleased.
< On the plus side, at least you've taken out your rage on an innocent bystander! > Mosh commented.
< Innocent? > Icis fumed. < That bitch was by no means innocent, she stole my ma.. >
< Your what? > Mosh inquired.
< My mangos. >
< You don't eat mangos. Are you sure you weren't going to say man? >
< You're delirious. Did you fall off the catnip wagon? > Icis snickered. Meanwhile, a luminous figure crept in the doorway, completely unnoticed.
< Two years sober! > Mosh cried.
< Bullshit. >
< Do I need to show you my coins to prove it? > Mosh howled with frustration, and making a mental note to flush his baggies hidden in the guest bedroom.
The mystery person pressed themselves against the wall, attempting to remain in the shadows. Albion's eyes fluttered open, making direct eye contact with the newcomer. He was a burly fellow, with a full head of hair, a scruffy face, and completely decked out in flannel. Albion attempted to bat her eyes at the gentleman, oblivious to the fact any normal-breasted woman would be dead by this point. The man let out a grunt, catching the andalites' attentions. Albion attempted to stand, but since she no longer needed to account for her gigantic breasts, fell over, rendering herself unconscious once again.
Elsewhere, floating high above the universe, the two Muns were watching the proceedings.
You know, said the female, I’ve got this idea that once the Group is assembled again Icis will revert to her old ways and finally, truly be happy again.
… said the male.
Just fucking around! cackled the female. Both of them laughed together.
Down on the ground, and not knowing why, one of Icis’s main eyes twitched.
*
In a field in Ohio, surrounded by corn, there was a scoop. In the scoop there lived an Andalite. This Andalite was a hero just as Mosh and Icis were. This Andalite was also trying very hard to evade the farmers that owned the cornfield.
< Duuuude, > Arbron mumbled, < it’s just some music! >
Indeed.
Arbron’s weak Andalite arms clutched the guitar as tightly as they could. His scoop was practically overflowing with speakers and the alien technology that allowed them to work without a human electrical hookup. Every night Arbron blasted away the silence by plugging in his amp and “rocking out” with the secondhand guitar.
The human farmers, of course, thought their cornfield was being targeted for a crop circle. Every so often Arbron had to move his scoop to a different location due to the UFO-seekers that would come ever so close to discovering his home. Couldn’t an Andalite war hero get some peace!?
It wasn’t that he played terribly bad, it was just that his Andalite fingers couldn’t quite keep pace. So any rendition of his favorite songs ended up sounding like funeral dirges.
This night, though, Arbron would play no music. He was packing his few non-musical belongings and hopping a new-fangled bullet train (sponsored by Andalites for Functional Travel) to Louisiana. Rian’s private investigator had contacted him and the instructions were clear: Icis’s old meadow, tomorrow morning.
< Couldn’t they have notified me at a better hour? > Arbron sighed with annoyance as he lifted one of his few keepsakes, a picture Icis had doodled for him just before she went off the deep end and moved to India.
(ICIS <3 ARBRON BY REI CIRCA 2002)
What Arbron didn’t know was that P.I. Lyle had spent the entire day tracking him down, delving through record after record of Arbron-this and Arbron-that. Most hits pulled up Elfangor/Arbron slash fan fiction that was pretty explicit in nature and abused the English language into near suicide with filthy descriptions of Taxxon on Andalite sex.
The Andalite set down the picture and took a deep breath before speaking a command to his ship-less computer. He’d traded the ship for the guitar and it didn’t really matter because he mostly just used the computer to record his music.
< Computer on! Open last used program. Begin recording. This is the Hirac Delest of.. >
“Arbron?” The human voice came out clearly over the computer’s transmission. Arbron paused.
< ..Tom? >
“I’m going to pretend that you weren’t trying to record a Hirac Delest as you accidentally dialed me.”
< That would probably be best. >
“It’s not that bad, anyway. Icis hates me way more than she hates you, last I checked. I bought an adamantium jockstrap off eBay, cost me a pretty penny to get shipped through Z-space but I‘ll be grateful when she attempts to emasculate me. Crazy bitch.”
< It’s not really Icis I’m concerned with. It’s the combination of everyone together again. >
“Oh, well, that.” Arbron could hear the smirk in the way Tom’s voice changed.
< Mosh, Icis, Alby, Rian, and Kitty all together again? >
“All those women in one big meadow! Cat fight?”
< Cat fight. >
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the mysterious burly man stood with his arms crossed, eyeing down the two Andalites, and occasionally glancing at the unconscious girl's breasts with remorse he hadn't felt them up when he spotted them earlier in the night.
< Who are you?! > Mosh demanded. < I do not keep any bears in my housekeeping staff! Twinks only! >
The man instantly appeared hurt, "You really mean to tell me you don't even recognize me?"
Icis put her hands on her hips, while twitching her tail in attempts to get the sticky silicone substance off. < I believe Mosh asked you a question! I suggest you tell us who you are and what you're doing here! >
"I came here to mourn the death of Luke," the stranger responded. "I was contacted to be at your meadow by morning, but I looked up Mosh's residence and decided to come here first."
Mosh cocked his head to the side. The man's eyes looked familiar. Was this a twink that he had conquered years ago and somehow transformed into a hairy, heavyset man with no sense of style? < You speak as if you know who we are. >
"No shit," he replied. "I only became this way to please you."
< Shiiiiiiit... > Icis snorted.
< Well, you clearly don't know me that well if that's the lengths you went to. >
"Oh, but I do! I stood nearby when the Ellimist rampaged! I was there on Halloween every year when our lives somehow warped into a slasher-flick," he took a step closer. Instinctively, Mosh poised his tail ready for anything. Icis had taken a step back, with her laughter filling everyone's head.
< This is the last time I'm going to ask, > Mosh sighed, getting sick of the game. < Who are you? >
< MOSH! You idio..HAHAHAHA, > Icis wasn't even able to put together a sentence through thought speak. Mosh stared at her as she began rolling on the floor laughing her ass off. < IT'S KITTY IN TRANNY FORM! >
< FML. >
"I prefer the term transgendered."
< I don't even want any details, > Mosh said blankly.
Icis continued rolling on the floor, < I DO! I DO! Tell me! >
Kitty sighed. In a way, he did resemble the former Kitty everybody once knew. His eyes were the same dull and boring tone as before. And his nose was still slightly crooked from when Icis kicked him(her) for no good reason.
"Well, after the group disbanded and I was off on my own, something just didn't feel right. I had always just attributed the feeling to constantly fighting off evil and not quite fitting into the group. But there was no more evil to fight! And there was no more group. And I still felt like I didn't belong," Kitty started.
Mosh glanced down to make sure Albion was still breathing, and refocused his attention on the tranny infront of him. Icis, on the other hand could not take her eyes off of Kitty. All four eyes wide she squealed, < SO...do you have a penis now?! >
Kitty nodded her head, "The doctors modeled it after a Lexington Steele dildo. Needless to say, I'm hung like a horse and could pretty much please anyone."
Mosh caught a quick glance with Icis, both reminded of certain horse sex. Kitty continued unaware, "About a year passed, and I started to attend meetings with other people who felt like they were trapped in a body they didn't belong to. Then before I knew it, I was taking testosterone. I finally began feeling comfortable in my human skin. Next thing I knew, I had a penis. And now I'm dating Kate Moss."
< No shit... > Icis said, genuinely impressed.
"I think she just enjoys the fact that my extremely large penis induces vomiting on it's own," Kitty gloated.
The three old group members reminisced a bit longer, before deciding to join Albion in slumber. There was a big day ahead tomorrow.
In the middle of the night, Mosh trotted into the guestroom that was housing Icis. It was made into a jungle very close to what Icis had been living in on her little island. Mosh was very generous! Actually, he just didn’t want to deal with her in his room. But he was having second thoughts.
< Icis? >
She growled in thoughtspeak, unpleasant even in her sleep. Mosh crept closer in his cat morph, confident that she wouldn’t hurt him while he was so cute.
< Icis! >
< Tell Homey I didn’t sleep with Luke, I swear! > Icis snapped before coming fully awake.
Mosh couldn’t help himself. < Oh Icis, you slept with Homeplay, too? >
Icis looked surprised. Either she couldn’t remember her dream or she deserved an Academy Award. Mosh didn’t press the issue.
< Can I sleep in here with you tonight? > Mosh whined.
< Kitty’s horsedick wasn’t enough to please a strapping young lad like yourself? > Icis asked with a laugh.
Mosh continued to mope. < I keep waking up, thinking she.. Er, he.. It is scratching at my door! And it‘s not fair, maybe we really shouldn‘t be laughing and making fun of Kitty‘s.. transformation. >
< Tell you what, you find out why Kitty switched genders to become a hirsute middle-aged lumberjack and I’ll stop laughing about it! >
< That sounds pretty fair.. Hey, you know what this reminds me of? >
Icis groaned and began to morph her human. Mosh demorphed and as soon as his hands appeared he clapped them happily.
< Sleepover! > he cried. < I’ll go get the ribbons and clips! >
Icis sat cross-legged and put her hands into her lap, rolling her eyes. But it could have been worse.
“Girls’ night!?” Albion shrieked, padding down the hall in her bunny slippers with a mug of hot milk. Huge bandages were wrapped around her depleted chest.
Scratch that. It just got a lot worse.
Rian laid in her blue bed completely awake. Every so often she'd look at her blue LED lit clock, counting down the minutes until she would see her beautiful Jinx. It was 3:23 in the morning. She noted that four years, six months, and eighteen days ago at this time she wrote a poem entitled "Blue Paradise" about a dream she had just woken from.
"Oh, that was a great dream," she said to herself while moving her hand underneath the blanket and between her legs.
***
Jinx lay in a bed identical to Rian's. Much like her, he could not sleep either. He glanced at the clock. 3:24 AM. All he could think about was the fact he would be reunited with all of his former friends. He couldn't even remember the last time everyone had been together. It must have been back in 2006 when they reunited for the variety show. Only Luke didn't show, and he was replaced by Aaron Carter.
"Oh, that was such a great variety show," Jinx said to himself, reminiscing on his time spent with Aaron. He moved his hand below his blanket, and began to enjoy himself.
Somewhere off in Georgia, Rian's entire body quivered.
***
Albion sat down her drink on the nightstand, and hopped into bed, resting her head on Icis' lap. She squirmed a bit, making herself comfortable. Icis for a brief moment had a sense of losing herself in the morph, as she began to feel remorse for treating Albion badly. She reached out and began stroking the girl's hair.
< So, what brings you in here, Alby? > Mosh inquired. He stood next to the bed, trying to recall why the sight of the two in bed seemed so familiar. Had they...? He couldn't remember. But then again, who hadn't Icis conquered at one time or another?
"I just couldn't sleep and I felt lonely!" Albion exclaimed, nuzzling her head harder against Icis. Mosh stared blankly. He couldn't tell if Icis was enjoying it or not.
"Well, I'm glad you joined us," Icis responded with a smile, clearly still unable to control the human morph.
"What do you think all the Groupies are doing right now? I bet they're all fast asleep preparing for the big day tomorrow!" Albion shrieked, for some reason her voice got pitchier and more valley-esque with every sentence she said.
Mosh's body shuddered. He suddenly felt weak in the knees, and excused himself to go get some air. The two girls didn't seem to mind.
Icis moved her hand down towards Albion's wound. She whispered in Albion's ear, "Let Icy-Poo fix you up." She caressed the bandages, removing them so delicately. Albion pulled Icis' head closer to hers and they met in an embrace.
***
Somewhere in the fields of Ohio, Arbron was looking at a magazine from the 1990's in which four Andalite females were sodomizing one and other with Yeerks. His eyes widened as he closely examined one of the slugs entering the rectum.
He gasped, "Rian...!?"
***
Back at Neverland Ranch, Mosh felt the urge to morph into a human for the sole sake of throwing up.
While Alby was receiving a very thorough tongue bath from Icis’s twelve-year old and apparently sex-starved human morph, the sounds of delicious pleasure drifted down the halls of the Neverland Ranch house. Kitty woke and lifted his nose to the air, nostrils flaring as he attempted to scent the air for sweet, sweet feminine smells.
“Don’t worry, ladies,” Kitty rumbled deep in his barrel-chest. “Daddy’s coming to show you how it’s done.”
*
Tom was having last minute packing issues.
The human male paced in a wide circle around a female android seated in the middle of the room. She was completely unrealistic as far as females went, resembling a true to life airbrushed Playboy model with a waist as wide as a finger length.
It was his wife.
“Love, I’m afraid to test your mortality.”
“I am a lovebot built with the strongest materials for several galaxies. No blade can cut me, no fire can destroy me. You built me to withstand.”
It was true. Tom worried his lower lip as he considered the android’s “feelings”.
“LoverNotBuiltToReplaceIcis, I built and married you because a technological genius such as myself cannot be satisfied by mere flesh and blood!”
“Thomas, you built me to survive a nuclear holocaust because you fear your ex,” said the android dispassionately.
Tom sputtered. “I don’t fear her! She’s just capable of supreme nastiness and the last few girlfriends I had ended up missing a few key parts, that’s all. She can’t harm you! Or cannibalize you,” he muttered.
“Why not bring me along, then? Incur her wrath, let her wail against me in futility! Ahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!” LoverNotBuiltToReplaceIcis crowed.
“Damn,” said Tom. He pressed a remote that he fished from his pocket and the android powered down. He built another one that was crazy! Maybe he should just take his chances with the real Icis.
First, he’s build a shark-proof cage to wear just in case.
*
In Japan, Ven was trying very hard to reconcile her desire to remain at the Uranus/Neptune Yuri Convention and to go home and reunite with the Groupies. Mosh’s voicemail was still flashing in her phone. She felt almost bad, but..
A Uranus cosplayer ran up on her wearing a strap-on and Ven practically melted.
“Fuck it!” she said, motioning towards her personal camera crew. They began filming the cosplayer and Ven doing it on the floor. “Harukaaaaaaaa~!” Ven cried.
She was making a fortune selling her used panties to businessmen, anyway. The Groupies could wait.
Across the country, another group had reunited when the news of the Skrit Na threat had become evident. Three humans, one Andalite, and a crazed red-tail hawk sat in a dilapidated barn surrounded by various injured animals shitting everywhere. The red-tail hawk followed suit and pooped very close to where the Latino male sat. This bunch, the former child warriors, Jake, Marco, Cassie, Tobias, and Ax were simply known as "The Animorphs."
Since the war ended, the group had lost all contact with one and other, each one starting their own lives. The only except was Marco and Ax, who had since bought a bed and breakfast together in Italy, in which they housed various A-List celebrities. In fact, Kate Moss had stayed their just last week with her hunky new beau.
Their relationship slowly blossomed from a business partnership to a torrid love affair. The news had broken to the rest of the Animorphs when the two love-birds appeared on Marco's seventh Oprah appearance. Marco jumped on the couch, expressing that same sex, different species love could exist, and that it most definitely did.
Jake was finishing up his degree in criminology at Rutgers in New Jersey. He tried to keep out of the spotlight. He had not morphed since the war had ended and wondered if he could even prove to be a leader for the Animorphs anymore. Two years prior, he was briefly incarcerated for indecent exposure at a children's petting zoo.
Cassie continued to crave war and destruction. She moved all over the country, finally ending up in Compton. She joined a west-coast gang, and began to live her life as a stereotypical poor African-American. She currently had a handgun securely hidden up her vagina, just in case.
Tobias was mute, and even though he showed signs that he understood what was going on, he still said nothing. The death of Rachel impacted him more than any of the others could have imagined, since he was the only one to know that Rachel was pregnant with his child at the time of her death.
Marco lept to the side, avoiding the hawk shit. "Tobias, cool it!" Marco yelled. "Don't make me morph into a gorilla and kick your feathered ass! Oprah would fucking love to hear about that one." Tobias perched on the beam overhead silently.
< Marco, hon, take it easy, > said Ax as he caressed the Marco's head.
"I'm just on edge. This is the first time we've all been together since Rachel, you know," Marco sighed.
"Oh please, we all know dat joo weres just using mah homegirl as yo beard," Cassie piped. "And for yous Jake, why ain't you been returnin mah phone calls when I try to call yo sorry white ass?"
"Cassie, has it occurred to you that once you joined The Crypts your entire demeanor changed?" Jake asked.
"Bitch, I will cut joo."
"Alright, well, on that note," Jake started. "I didn't gather us here to be assholes to one and other. The skrit na have been abducting innocents for the past year, many more than normal. And as The Animorphs, I feel we have a responsibility to stop them."
"I will fuck them bitches up," Cassie laughed. Marco blankly stared at her. "What you lookin' at Mexicano?!"
"I'm just admiring your ebonics," Marco stated.
"The Skrit Na have been very active in this area which is why I asked you all to gather here," Jake said. He got up and rummaged through his duffel bag. He pulled out a roll of aluminum foil.
< Ah yes, the Skrit Na can't resist aluminum! > Ax said, obviously giddy. His hand continued to brush through Marco's hair.
The holes in the roof and walls allowed the early morning sun to beam in, catching a glare on the foil, temporarily blinding all of the Animorphs. When they all could see again, they were strapped individually onto gurneys aboard a strange ship, unable to move and unable to morph.
"Well ain't dis some stupid shit," Cassie thought to herself.