Performing One's Purpose--Part 2
Part 2.
Merlin knew the moment he started to surface back to the real world that something was wrong. It wasn’t even the fact that his magic seemed to be going haywire just beneath his skin. It was the point of fire on his side, tendrils of heat flowing from the main source, throbbing with every pump of his heart.
His head felt stuffed full of wool, his senses deadened. As he lay there trying to remember what happened, he felt it again, a brush of something against his consciousness, against his magic. It seemed to calm his magic as whatever it was brushed against him again. Thinking it was another sorcerer; he touched back, or tried to; his magic as clumsy as him. ‘Hello?’
A spike of surprise was short lived as whoever it was focused on him. ‘Is anyone there?’ He felt foolish, talking to himself in his mind and was about to stop when they answered.
.:Yes!:.
‘Where am I?’ he asked, unable to open his eyes to look around.
.:Camelot, in Gaius’s work rooms.:.
‘Oh, why am I here? The last I remember we were on a hunt…’ His words trailed off as the images flowed back into his mind: the ride out, Arthur stalking the deer, the creature rearing to strike, pain, concerned faces looking down at him.
.:You’re dying.:.. The voice said it matter of factly and he took it at face value.
‘Who are you?’
.:I am you. I am Emrys.:.
‘What, that can’t be right. How are you me? I’m me.’ His heart had sped up at the claim.
.:You’re dying, Merlin and I can save you…but I can’t do it when you are in control.:.
‘Right, and once you have control, you’ll just heal me and that will be the end of it. I highly doubt that.’ He turned away mentally and ignored the voice and presence that kept prodding at his mind.
~*~
He wasn’t sure how much time passed as he drifted, locked somewhere between waking and sleeping. Mostly it was silent, the voice, Emrys, having receded after a while. Sometimes though, he could hear voices above him, and knew it was someone talking about him. Now was no different.
“Gaius, he’s not getting any better.” That was Gwaine, worry lacing his rich tenor voice.
“I know. He’s fighting it, but unless he finds the strength to overcome it completely, I don’t think he will make it.” That was Gaius, his voice crackling like dry leaves, heavy with worry and near defeat.
So the voice had spoken the truth; he was dying. His ears perked up as they started talking again. “What of Arthur?” Gaius asked. Merlin could hear him walking, the clink of glass telling that Gaius was keeping his hands busy as he worked.
“He’s been avoiding Merlin for now, trying to keep from raising his father’s suspicions. I know that Uther is his father, but Arthur needs to grow a pair and stand up to that old man. He shouldn’t have to worry about whether he visits a friend or not.” Gwaine’s voice was a low rumble as his anger got the better of him.
“Uther is king before he is Arthur’s father, and Arthur knows this. Uther holds Merlin’s life in his hands and he is using it to control his son, so Arthur must step cautiously for now. It may seem a cruel thing, but this is how things work. Until Arthur is king himself, he must obey Uther, no matter what their relationship is.”
He tried to listen some more, but their voices were fading out. He was back in the in-between state, though he didn’t notice with so much to think about. Arthur was keeping Uther from killing him by not coming. He hoped Arthur and the others were okay.
~*~
One thing about not being able to completely wake or go to sleep, it left you too much time to think and feel. He felt everything at the moment, could feel the low drag of air through his lips and down his throat; the uneven pump of his heart, stuttering on every fourth beat; he could even feel the venom in his blood, a burning hot force that was inexorably advancing through his body, killing him slowly and surely.
He could feel the heated flush of his skin, drops of sweat beading on his skin as his body fought, the touch of cold cloth and someone’s hand on his forehead, neck, chest, trying to keep him cool. It was the only thing that gave him any reference to time, anything to look forward to.
As time wore on though, he began to replay those words he had heard before, from Emrys. Could Emrys really save him? He could feel the panic bubbling just below the surface, held at bay by sheer will alone. Panicking would get nothing done.
‘Emrys?’ he called out hesitantly. For all he knew, he could have been hallucinating and hearing voices. But then came the brush of something familiar against his mind.
.:Yes.:.
‘Who are you, really?’ That seemed to be the most he could think of to ask, his mind too muddled at the moment.
.:I am you.:. was the enigmatic, sounding with a ring of power that he hadn’t noticed before.
‘Yes, but…’
.:I can show you.:. the voice offered, and Merlin felt himself nodding mentally, wanting to see who it was.
His mind seemed to white out momentarily, and then he was standing in some sort of cave. It was nearly pitch black, but something seemed to be giving off a light that was steadily growing brighter. He blinked, and blinked again, unsure of what to make of the thing in front of him.
It was humanoid in shape with long spidery limbs, the torso looking almost emaciated and the head shifting from either too small or too big. It glowed, its body made up of golden light that could only be magic. As he watched, they solidified, looking more human, features appearing on its face, eyes a blazing blue that was almost white.
‘What are you?’ Merlin stared at the thing, speechless.
.:I am what you would call a creature of magic. Something from the old religion. I was alive when the world was born and I will see it returned to darkness. Merlin, I am magic.:.
Merlin shivered at his words. He could feel their weight, could see the thousands of years this thing had lived, shining through in his eyes. Wanting to change the subject, he looked around, taking in the cave they stood in. ‘Where is this?’
.:Nowhere physical. It is more along the lines of a memory, of when I last appeared in the human world, over twenty years ago.:. He shifted and a throne of stone appeared behind him, allowing the thing of magic to take a seat. Merlin looked over his shoulder and saw a similar one had appeared as well. He sat gingerly, wary of what the thing might do.
‘You…said I was dying…’
.:I can show you.:. he cut in, sitting forward. Merlin nodded and Emrys raised his arm, fingers pulsing brightly, and an image appeared in the air between them. .:You do not have much time to live, Merlin.:.
Merlin stared at the image of himself. They appeared to have moved him to his own room, though the clutter had been shifted around for a chair and bucket of water to be brought in. Gwaine was seated beside him at the moment, hands steady as he brushed a damp cloth over Merlin’s flushed and sweating face.
He could feel something forming inside him, some feeling gradually rising to the surface as he waited, breathe bated as he watched, unable to feel the cloth on his skin. The wave of panic, when it rose over him and flooded his mind, was so unexpected that he just sat there staring dumbly as his thoughts went in circles. A small part of his mind still able to be heard over the clamor of his thoughts noted that he had been in denial this whole time, unable to accept the idea that he was dying.
‘NO!’ He was shaking now, his throat constricting as fear clawed up it. ‘This can’t be right. I have a destiny. I’m supposed to help Arthur stay alive long enough to take the throne, not die before it happens. This…this is a lie.’ Heat prickled behind his eyes and he watched in horror as tears slowly slid down his cheeks in the image, Gwaine jumping in alarm, calling out to Gaius.
.:Destiny is never a sure thing, Merlin. It is only a possible future, that many wish to come true.:.Merlin turned away from the pity in those eyes.
Squaring his shoulders, he turned back. ‘You said you could…heal me. How?’ he asked, clutching at the arms of the throne beneath his hands, fingers aching with the strain and knuckles turned white.
.:From the moment you were born, you were the main consciousness in this body. You controlled nearly everything, even the magic that flows through your veins, though it was mostly unconsciously since you were untaught.:. Emrys stood. .:You have yet to notice it.:. He held his hand up again, walking forward.
Merlin jumped as his hand came into contact with some sort of barrier, ripples of light racing away from the point of contact only to fade away into the shadows that surrounded them. .:There has always been a barrier between us and must always be between us. In order for me to heal you, you will have to trade places with me, willingly allow me to take over long enough to take full control of my magic and heal you. I swear to return you back into control once you are healed. Will you do this?:.
‘Why are you willing to do this?’ Merlin had stood as well, staring at the thing before him, warily taking a step forward until only a few feet separated them.
.:If you die, I have no vessel to hold me and then I will be unable to fulfill my purpose, the reason I was summoned.:.
‘And that is?’ He held his breath, waiting for his answer.
.:To ensure that there is a future for magic.:.
‘I…all right. How are we supposed to…well, you know?’ He waved his hand back and forth, unsure what to call this deal he had just agreed to.
.:You must start. Place your hand upon the barrier and as you push, I will push as well. We will switch.:.
‘Will it hurt?’ he asked, wanting to be sure.
.:I don’t know. I have never done this before.:.
‘All right, here goes.’ Merlin pressed his hand to the barrier that separated them. He could see it now, up close. It was thin, like a bubble, but he could feel it and it felt more like a brick wall. How was he supposed to push through it? Sucking in a hasty breath, he pushed and stared in surprise as his hand slowly sank into it. It felt like he was trying to get his hand to pass through lightly packed sand, though it was more liquid than solid. It took some effort, but he was able to move.
Slowly, his fingers passed through, wiggling on the other side, and he turned to watch Emrys as his fingers slowly pushed through as well. The ripples of light that were coming off their points of contact were hitting each other and flaring brightly before fading, leaving spots of light behind as afterimages on his eyes.
It was a grueling process, his arms slowly working through, and his shoulder. He couldn’t help the instinct to hold his breath as his head started to pass through, eyes screwed shut as whatever the barrier was made of passed over him, and then he was half way through. The rest came more easily, as if his head passing through was some signal for it to go faster.
He collapsed to the floor; breathing as though he had just run a mile through the woods. His limbs felt like they were made of water, shaking and refusing to support him. He looked up to see Emrys standing tall, stretching and testing his limbs like he had just woken up and was full of energy.
.:I will be back soon.:. He disappeared in a flash and Merlin was left feeling hollow.
~*~
Gwaine stared at Merlin as the light faded outside. Five days had already gone by with no improvement in Merlin’s condition. Arthur had been by once since then, though it had been to see Gaius about a wound sustained during training. Merlin had still been on Gaius’s cot. Between the two knights, they had hauled him up to his own room so Gaius could have his bed back. Gwaine had left Arthur alone in the room, instead helping Gaius tidy up.
Arthur had come down with a grim look on his face and left without a word spoken. It had been two days since then and he had not returned. He and Gaius had shooed Gwen away as it started to grow dark, the poor girl drooping with fatigue and dark emotions, the day spent running errands for Gaius as he tended Merlin.
Sitting back, he stretched. It had been sometime since Gwaine had called Gaius up the stairs, unsure what to make of the tears rolling down Merlin’s cheeks in his unconscious state. They had stopped almost as soon as Gaius had arrived and none of Gaius’s books could explain why he was shedding tears.
There was a light tap at the door and Gaius walked in, the wrinkles on his face even more deeply engraved then they used to be. “I have some dinner ready if you’re hungry.” he announced, looking at Merlin.
Nodding, Gwaine stood to follow him out. They both stopped as Merlin let out a loud groan. Spinning around, Gwaine was at the man’s side before he could even think about. Merlin’s eyes were still closed, but behind his pale lids, his eyes were moving frantically, seeming caught in some nightmare. His fingers twitched, clutching at blanket covering him and releasing it.
“Merlin…Merlin can you hear me?” Gwaine asked softly, reaching out to touch his shoulder.
Merlin’s whole body went taut, his back arching off the bed like a bow, chest heaving as he fought for breath. They were both frozen as Merlin’s eyes snapped open, completely golden, no iris or pupil visible under the glow.
Gwaine reacted on instinct, reaching out to hold him as he turned over onto his stomach and retched, all that was in his stomach emptying into the conveniently placed bucket of cool water. He continued to dry heave for a few seconds and then went limp, all energy spent.
For a second, the room was still, the only sound Merlin’s heavy breathing. Finally, Gwaine moved, rolling Merlin back over onto his back. He was unconscious again, eyes closed and golden glow gone. Tucking him back in, Gwaine sat back down, still in shock at what had just happened. “Gaius…”
“Not here, let him rest.” The older man left, forcing Gwaine to stand and follow back downstairs. Gaius walked to the main doors as Gwaine stood next to his work table. Opening it, he glanced around the corridor, then shut and locked it before turning back to face the knight.
“Gaius, that was magic.” he stated simply, going for the obvious in hopes that it would get the old man talking.
“I know that was magic.” Gaius sounded resigned.
“So Merlin is…”
“Yes.” He gave a great heaving sigh and sat down on a conveniently placed bench. “Yes, Merlin is a warlock. He was born with magic, I don’t know how.”
“How long have you known?” the knight asked, sitting opposite him on the other bench.
“Since he first arrived. Saved my life when I was startled and fell down from there.” He pointed to his bookshelves second level. “I’ve kept him out of trouble as much as I could and been his guide when he needed one.” It seemed once he started talking, he found it hard to stop.
“Back there, what happened?”
“I think Merlin’s magic finally kicked in and purged the venom from his body the only way it could. I believe he is resting now and should recover, hopefully.” He seemed unsure of his last statement, but Gwaine refrained from questioning his words.
“Does Arthur know?” he finally asked, getting to the one thing that was buzzing in his mind, wanting an answer to it. Did Merlin trust Arthur enough to tell him, knowing who his father was?
Gaius shook his head. “He wanted to tell him. Never liked keeping secrets to begin with…but things have always gotten in the way and with what happened so recently…”
“You mean Morgana’s betrayal and use of magic.”
“Yes, it would be the wrong time. I fear if Merlin were to tell him now, he would see it as nothing but another sorcerer betraying him and react badly.” Gwaine nodded in understanding. “The only others who know are Lancelot and Kilgharrah, the Great Dragon.”
Gwaine’s eyebrow shot up in a close imitation of Gaius’s at the mention of the dragon. He had heard tales about the dragon’s attack on Camelot and how the prince had struck it a mortal blow, or so they had been told. It appeared not.
Gaius looked a little embarrassed at having revealed so much, but forged on. “Merlin’s father, Balinor, was a Dragonlord. When he died shortly after meeting Merlin, his powers were passed on. Arthur had been knocked unconscious and Merlin forced the dragon to take an oath to never attack Camelot ever again on pain of death.”
The memory of them talking about their fathers jumped into his head and he looked on it with a whole new perspective. It struck him then, that there were so many things that Merlin had kept hidden from everyone, not just his magic. “I won’t say anything, Gaius. Merlin deserves the right to pick when he will tell everyone what he is.” Gaius just nodded, a relieved look on his face.
~*~
‘Emrys…’ Merlin stared at the haggard-looking being. His shoulders were drooping, the glow he gave off substantially dimmed, and even flickering in some places.
.:I am unharmed, young one. I underestimated the strength of the Attor’s magic. I just need rest.:. He stopped inches from the barrier. .:And like I promised, I have come back to take my place.:. He started to push against the barrier and Merlin quickly did the same.
The effect it had on him was the opposite from before. Instead of feeling drained, he felt like his blood was on fire, magic roiling through his veins, making him feel near-invincible. ‘Are you sure you will be all right? You don’t look so well.’
.:I will be fine. I just need to regain my strength. It was worth it. You will live, though it will take time to recuperate from this ordeal. And…:. He stopped, hesitating over his words.
‘What?’ He hoped it wasn’t bad.
.:I had to…change you slightly, to heal you. Your body was already severely damaged by the creature’s venom and would not be able to support you should I heal you in a more conventional way.:.
‘Emrys, what did you do?’
.:Your body is no longer fully human. I had to infuse some of myself with your body to heal you.:.
‘What does that mean?’ He could feel panic forming again.
.:The biggest change is that you will no longer require sleep, though you can still try. You will need less food as well; your body will start to live off of the natural magic around you and in you.:. He looked somewhat guilty, though it was hard to make it out on his face, since he had no identifying features with which to convey emotions easily.
‘I…I guess that’s all right. It could have been worse.’ He stood there for a moment, taking it in. This could be of some use, allowing him to keep a better eye on Arthur now that he didn’t need to sleep. ‘Thank you…Emrys.’ He smiled hesitantly at the magical being that stood in front of him.
Nodding in return, Emrys allowed Merlin to fade out until he stood alone in the cave. .:Do not thank me so soon, young warlock. It has already begun and you will forget this ever happened.:. Holding his hand up, he held it over the small pin prick in the barrier, feeling the piece of himself that had been left on the other side.
~*~
When he woke, the light coming through his window was dim and fading fast. He was alone for the moment, the only things in the room besides his own things an unlit candle and a cup of water. He lifted his hand, reaching out for the cup and was surprised at how much his hand was shaking from just that small effort.
As his fingers closed around the cup, his hand spasmed and it slipped from his fingers, tipping over and falling to the floor. It froze for a second in midair as his magic flared in reflex. He started to reach for it and time snapped back into place as a wave of dizziness washed over him, leaving him sweating and gasping for breath, hand still reaching out as the cup continued to fall to the floor and rolled away, spilling the water.
He didn’t lift his head as the stairs to his room creaked underneath the weight of whoever was coming up. The door opened with a creak and Gwaine stepped through. He took one look at Merlin, awake and listing off the edge of his small bed and went into action.
Strong hands gripped his arms and turned him over. An arm went behind his back as the other shifted his pillow behind him and he was pulled into a half-seated position. Grinning briefly down at him, Gwaine dipped down, scooped the fallen cup from the floor and set it on the table again.
“Gwaine.” His voice croaked as the words tumbled clumsily over his tongue and he couldn’t help but lick his dry lips.
“Hang on.” Gwaine walked back out quickly again. The stairs creaked and fell silent only to herald his return as he hurried back up the steps. He shut the door quietly, pitcher of water in hand and filled Merlin’s cup again. Setting it aside, Gwaine sat on the edge of Merlin’s bed, helping him hold the cup as he drank, gulping the cool blessed fluid as it soothed his parched throat and cracked lips.
He let out a content gasp as he finished, Gwaine setting the cup back down and moving to the stool next to the bed. “How long have I been out?” he finally asked, blinking drowsily up at the knight.
“Six days, though you only started to get better on the last day. You had us all worried there. Everyone’s been frantic trying to get you better.” His easy smile slid over his face smoothly, but it didn’t look exactly right, like Gwaine was hiding something.
“What’s wrong?” he demanded.
Gwaine gave a soft sigh. “We…none of us were sure you would make it. Uther…forced Arthur to get a new manservant.” The room was silent at his words. “You’re out of a job, Merlin,” he said softly, but Merlin could see the anger in his eyes, most of it at Uther, but some directed at Arthur.
“Gwaine, don’t blame him. He had no say in this.”
“You always defend him, to the last.” He gave another sigh, but smiled, this one genuine as he looked at the warlock. “It’s good to see you awake.”
“It’s good to be awake. Where’s Gaius?”
“Delivering Uther his nightly potion. I said I would do it, but the old man refused, said I was to keep watch over you. I’m glad he did though.”
“Oh, that’s good. I think…I remember somewhat, hearing you talking nearby. How long have you been watching over me?” he asked.
Gwaine didn’t even bat an eyelash as he answered. “Since the beginning.”
“What! Why?” he asked, shifting to get more comfortable.
“Because I wanted to. And for Arthur as well. He’s been worried about you, but unable to come because of Uther. I’ve been updating him every day at training.”
They both turned to look at the door at the sound of the main door opening, Gwen’s voice floated up to them. “Gwaine.”
He held a finger to his lips to Merlin, winking at him with an easy grin on his lips. “Up here.” He called out.
They waited, listening to her steps coming closer, the stairs sounding as she ascended them. “Do you know…” Her voice trailed off as she stepped through the door and saw Merlin sitting up in bed. Her eyes grew wide; a small gasp came out as a sort of squawk of surprise. “Merlin?”
“Hey, Gwen,” he said softly, smiling at her.
“Oh, you’re awake!” she cried out joyfully, flinging herself at him, hugging him tightly, shoulders shaking slightly as she cried into his shirt.
“Hey, hey, Gwen, it’s all right. Please, stop crying, you’re gonna make me cry too,” he joked and she pulled back, sniffing, with a big smile on her face, wiping uselessly at her leaking eyes. Her eyes were red and there were some shadows under her eyes, but she looked good.
“Oh, this is such good news. I should go tell Arthur. He’ll want to know that you’re awake.” She stood, smiling brightly at them and left in a hurry, the bearer of good news for once.
“Gwaine…thank you, for staying with me,” he said as her steps faded and it was just the two of them once more.
“I should probably tell you now, before anyone else decides to come barging in. Near the end, before you started to get better…ah, how should I put this…I was there when you…healed yourself,” he finally spat out what he wanted to say.
Merlin could feel his heart beat pick up, stuttering a little in its haste to pound out of his chest. “Oh.”
“Now just listen to me. I’ve already talked with Gaius; he was there as well, and I swear I won’t tell a soul, Merlin. Besides, I want to see the look on the princess’s face when he finally finds out,” he joked, trying to calm Merlin.
“Oh…um…” Merlin gave a soft laugh. “That’s good. Thank you, again. I’m sorry I never said. It’s just…”
“No need to explain. I can understand why. I just want you to know…” Gwaine leaned down, looking Merlin in the eye. “…if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m there. And so are Gaius, and Lancelot and so I hear, a dragon as well.” He arched a brow at him.
“Just how much has Gaius told you?” Merlin complained, a large grin on his face.
~*~
By the time Gaius returned, Merlin had fallen asleep again, the candle in his room burning low and sending flickering shadows over him as he slept peacefully on his bed. Gwaine waited until the older man had shut the door before giving the news.
“He woke up.” he said softly, nodding towards the gap in Merlin’s door from which the light of the candle was escaping into the shadowed stairwell. The fire in the main room burned low, needing more fuel.
“He did?” Gaius looked relieved, taking a step towards the room.
Gwaine shook his head. “He’s sleeping now. Gwen came by just after he woke up. She went to tell Arthur, so I assume he should be coming here once night has settled in.” Gaius smiled, going about getting dinner ready for him and the knight who had taken up temporary residence in the rooms.
He was right about Arthur. No sooner had the midnight bell struck; there came a soft tap at Gaius’s door. Arthur opened it and slid in, wearing his dark wool cloak that would allow him to pass unnoticed in the dark hallways. Gwaine felt a small bubble of anger well up at the sight. That Arthur was forced to sneak around at night just to see Merlin was a disgrace.
“How is he?” he asked Gaius, stripping his cloak off.
“Sleeping peacefully at the moment. I was just about to wake him to see if he wanted to try to stomach some warm broth.” Arthur nodded, the tense set of his shoulders relaxing as relief washed through him. Gwaine could sympathize with the prince. Merlin was someone worth worrying over.
Gaius went up to wake him, Arthur following close behind. Gwaine stayed where he was seated, letting the prince talk with Merlin now that he was awake. Gaius soon came back down to get the bowl of broth that had been warming on the hearth.
“Make yourself useful.” He handed him the bowl. “I’ll be reading if you should need me.” Nodding to the physician, Gwaine carried the bowl up.
“…your job back.” Arthur was talking to the warlock, seated on the edge of the bed instead of the stool.
Smirking, Gwaine sauntered in. “And if he can’t get you your job back, you can always work for me. I certainly wouldn’t mind.” His smirk grew bigger as Arthur jumped, not having heard Gwaine come up the stairs. “Here, recommended by Gaius himself. Try and eat as much as you can.”
He set the warm bowl onto his lap and watched his long pale fingers curl around it, soaking in the warmth. “Thank you.” Merlin let it sit there instead, looking back up at the two knights crowded around his bed.
“Do you…remember…anything?” Arthur asked, looking like he was trying to be subtle and failing at it.
“I…remember hearing Gwaine and Gaius, their voices, but not what was said. It’s…just one big blur in my head. I feel like I’ve forgotten something, but I can’t figure out what,” he admitted with a wry grin.
“Well, you’re always forgetting to do what you’re told, so that’s to be expected.” Arthur replied with a haughty air, a smirk playing across his lips that shifted into a grin when Merlin just snorted in amusement.
“Prat,” he muttered.
“Well, he’s already a princess, so now princess prat,” Gwaine cut in, shoving Arthur in the shoulder.
“He’s supposed to be eating, not horsing around up there,” Gaius called out, voice amused.
Looking somewhat chastised, they quieted down. Smiling, Merlin picked up the spoon. By the time it reached his mouth, only a little of the broth was left on the spoon as his hand shook, sloshing it over the edge back into the bowl and a little on his shirt.
Sighing, Arthur snatched the bowl and spoon away from him. “You really are useless sometimes.” Getting more on the spoon, he held it out to Merlin. “Eat,” he ordered when Merlin kept his mouth closed.
“I can-” He didn’t get to finish as Arthur shoved the spoon between his lips and tipping it, letting the warm broth flow into his mouth before retracting the spoon. Merlin glared and swallowed quickly before trying to speak again. “I can feed myself. I’m not a child,” he groused, crossing his arms in annoyance.
“Please, you can barely hold it, let alone feed yourself. Now open up.” He held up another spoonful.
“Gwaine, tell him I can do it myself,” he appealed to the other knight, ignoring the spoon that was hovering in the air.
“You heard the princess, eat up.” He laughed, at both of them as they glared at him, for different things.
Huffing angrily, he opened his mouth, arms still crossed. This went on for some time until Merlin could eat no more and pushed the spoon away, shaking his head. As if summoned, Gaius appeared in the door. “Enough. He needs to sleep.” He started to shoo the two out, ignoring Gwaine’s protests. “You can come back tomorrow.” He pointed at Gwaine, “You will go back to your rooms for once. I think I can handle taking care of him for one night.”
“Night,” Merlin called after them, already sinking back onto his pillows, eyes drooping from being awake so long. He was out before the sound of the main door closing floated up to his room.
~*~
“Merlin!” He looked up from filling the bucket of water to see Gwaine striding over, grinning. The knight slowed to a stop beside him. “How are you feeling?” he asked.
“Good. Gaius always said I was a fast healer.” He hefted the bucket it, Gwaine falling into step with him. Fast was an understatement. Gaius had been staggered by the rapid healing his body had done over the last week. He’d never healed this fast before and he could only guess that his magic was working overtime to get him back into shape.
“Gwaine!” They looked up to see Leon standing on the other side of the courtyard, motioning to the knight.
“Well, got to go. The princess has been putting us through our paces lately. Wish me luck.” He winked at Merlin and sauntered off towards the senior knight. Waving at Leon in greeting, Merlin left, carrying the bucket Gaius had asked him to get, having deciding that now that Merlin was nearly back to normal, he could start doing work again.
Puffing out a breath, he set the bucket down for a second, catching his breath after the stairs. Shaking himself, he lifted it again and started off towards Gaius’ tower rooms. He was halfway there when he had to stop for breath again. He might have been on the mend, but it would still be some time before he got back his old stamina.
Standing there, he felt a wave of dizziness wash over him and braced himself against a nearby wall; eyes squeezed shut, fighting the urge to puke up his meager breakfast as a wave of nausea washed through him. For a sickening second, he felt like he was turned inside out, like he had no control over his body, disconnected and isolated from the world.
Then someone called his name and it was gone, leaving him blinking owlishly as Gwen called his name again, looking worried. He realized he was slightly hunched over, leaning heavily on the wall. Straightening with some difficulty, he grinned wanly at her, trying to show her he was fine. “I’m okay. Just a little dizzy for a second there.”
She only looked a little mollified by his words and grabbed the bucket of water when he reached for it. Sighing, he let her carry it for him as they finished the trek to Gaius’s rooms. He was glad she had by the time they reached the top of the last stair case. He was sweating and panting for breath as they walked for the doors.
Opening them, they both froze on the threshold as Uther turned from Gaius to see at who had entered. “Sire,” they said softly, bowing their heads to the king, Gwen curtsying clumsily with her hands occupied with holding the bucket.
The king looked slightly haggard; his short gray hair lank and mussed as if he had run his hands through it repeatedly. There were dark shadows under his eyes that spoke of many sleepless nights.
He nodded for them to continue what they had been doing. Taking the bucket from Gwen, Merlin whispered to her, “I’ll see you later.” She nodded, handing it over, and with one last curtsy to Uther, left the rooms, shutting the door quietly.
Uther walked over to him, looking him up and down. “I have yet to thank you for saving my son’s life again. This kingdom has suffered so much recently that if he had been struck down, it would have wreaked havoc on this land.”
“I-I was just doing my duty, Sire,” he said, still keeping his head bowed slightly.
“My son favours you highly.” The words were bland, but Merlin could feel his piercing gaze on him, analyzing his every move and word.
“I had not expected him to act so for the likes of me,” he mumbled, hoping he sounded sincere.
“Hmm, I suppose that is true.” Seeming satisfied, he turned back to Gaius. “I will finish this discussion later.” They both bowed as he left; letting out an uneasy breath once he was gone.
“Well, that went well.” Gaius finally said.
Laughing shakily, Merlin nodded, carrying the bucket over to where Gaius pointed. “Well, since you’ve nothing else to do at the moment, I might as well start to teach you properly.” Merlin gave a groan as Gaius set a dusty tome onto the table with a heavy thump. He had to fight a sneeze as dust went everywhere. “We’ll start with anatomy.” He motioned to the seat next to him on the bench and with a sigh Merlin sat down next to him as Gaius opened the book and started to talk.
~*~
Merlin blinked owlishly at the candle next to him, trying to clear the blurriness from his eyes. Outside, the sun had already sunk below the horizon; leaving only the smallest streaks of color that were rapidly fading.
Inside, the royal library was dim, only the candles and torches, kept well away from the books, gave any sort of illumination. Sighing, Merlin pushed his chair back and stretched. He had been here all afternoon, reading what Gaius had assigned him. It seemed Gaius had been serious when he spoke of teaching Merlin his trade.
He’d already known the basics: treating wounds, broken bones, tending bumps, bruises, and any other ways that a body could get damaged. After his first year here, Gaius had sat him down every night for a week to instill this knowledge into his head so he could be of use to Arthur and the knights when Gaius wasn’t there.
Now, it seemed Gaius was trying to teach him to four years’ worth of studying, had he stayed Gaius’s apprentice instead of becoming Arthur’s manservant, and cramming it into the space of a few weeks.
Merlin’s mind was literally buzzing with random snippets of script and words, bouncing off each other and the edges of his skull. Rubbing at his eyes tiredly, he shut the book, putting the ribbon bookmark into it to mark his page and stood. Lifting the heavy tome off the table, he leaned over and blew the candle’s flame out, darkness descending, though light still leaked around the bookshelf’s edges.
Shuffling around, he made his way into the main corridor of the library. It was silent except for Geoffrey, who sat at his desk, quill in hand as he scribbled down notes in a rushed flourish that looked like squiggles rather than words. Nodding good night to the older man, he slipped out of the library.
The halls were mostly empty as the castle settled in for the night. Most of the servants were down in the kitchen at the moment, getting a late supper as they prepared to retire for the night since they had an early morning.
A few guards nodded to him as he passed, but for the most part, he was alone in the dim corridors of stone, nothing but his thoughts to keep him company as he traveled from one side of the castle to the other.
He could feel his mind wander to distant thoughts, body moving automatically in the general direction of Gaius’ rooms. He hoped Gaius had already eaten. He’d been trying to hide his lack of appetite lately, but it was getting harder. It was like his body could only stand so much food before it started to reject it. There had been a couple times when he’d had to force the food to keep from coming back up. That on top of his newly acquired insomnia had him worried.
He should have burnt out by now; the lack of sleep and food should have shown some sign on his body. Yet each morning he felt fine, full of energy and wide awake as though he had slept the night through and eaten a full breakfast.
He blinked and came to a stop, looking around. He didn’t remember walking all the way to the stairs at the base of the tower and yet here he was. He tried to recall the route he had taken and came up blank. It was like his mind had been somewhere else and his body had just taken over.
Shivering, he tugged his jacket more firmly around his torso and started up the stairs, his shoulders hunched as the feeling of someone watching him washed over him. With a grateful sigh, he shut the door behind him, welcoming the warmth of the fire coming from the hearth, even if it was accompanied by a horrendous smell that seemed to originate from a cauldron warming in the fire.
“What is that smell?” he groused, covering his nose with his hand.
Gaius ignored the theatrics, standing up and giving it a stir before turning to look at him. Grinning behind his hand, he made a beeline for his room, wanting to set the book under his arm down before facing whatever it was Gaius needed him to do. The moment in the corridor was forgotten, shoved to the back of his mind as more pressing matters crowded his mind, mainly whether he would ever be able to get the smell off of his clothes.
“I need you to deliver this to Arthur. The prince had mentioned earlier that he was having trouble sleeping due to muscle cramps.” Not surprising, the idiot. He and Gaius had been spending a lot of time in the training field, tending to wounded knights as Arthur drove them hard. The fact that Arthur faced every knight personally and never let up even as the day wore on was bound to leave him with some sore muscles.
Nodding, Merlin picked up the small glass vial and pocketed it and quickly left before the physician had him doing anything else. The back halls he took were deserted as he took a familiar path up to Arthur’s chambers.
He hadn’t been this way for almost two weeks now and it felt odd to be coming this way now. Arthur hadn’t been able to persuade Uther to relent in his decision to force Arthur to hire a new manservant. The fact that Gaius had put in his word about wanting Merlin to teach him his trade proper hadn’t helped either. Of course not much had changed. He still mostly followed Arthur around the training field, though now he wasn’t forced to do Arthur’s chores.
He knocked lightly on the door and the sound of voices inside quieted as footsteps approached the door. It opened and he looked in to see Lancelot standing there, smiling at Merlin. He held the door open for Merlin to walk through and he saw the others seated around Arthur’s table, Arthur himself standing by the fire place.
“Ah, Merlin, was wondering when you’d get here.” Gwaine called, holding up his goblet to him. As Merlin stepped through, Lancelot shut the door behind him.
“What?” He was confused.
“I guess Gaius didn’t tell you. Arthur asked him to send you here on some pretense so we could all get together.” Lancelot said quietly, smiling at his friend.
“Oh.” was his eloquent answer.
“Where’ve you been all day? Been trying to find you,” Gwaine asked aloud as Merlin took a step over towards the gathered knights. Elyan and Percival nodded to him, though the former blacksmith elbowed Gwaine in the side when he tried to lean on him. Leon smiled a little, scooting his chair over so Merlin could get one of the two empty chairs left.
“You’re drunk,” he stated baldy, looking at the slight flush on Gwaine’s cheeks.
“A little, though not nearly enough. The princess here has got some good stuff.” He took another draught from his cup before Arthur got fed up and snatched it away, sending the knight a warning look.
“So why have I been brought here under false pretenses?” he asked, looking around at the knights.
“Rumors.” Percival said softly.
Merlin felt his heart speed up a little. “Rumors about what?”
“Morgana.” Arthur finally spoke up, stepping away from the fire to stand at the head of the table. He looked tired, his lips pressed in a thin line. There were dark shadows under his eyes.
“There have been rumors that Morgana was seen in Cenred’s kingdom. We don’t know if they’re true, but we need to make sure.” Merlin clenched his fists under the table remembering his last glimpse of Arthur’s half-sister, with chunks of stone and mortar raining down on him, her magic out of control in her rage and grief.
“You want to know if she’s up to something,” he finally spoke, looking at Arthur.
He nodded. “I’m sending Percival and Lancelot to scout out what is left of Cenred’s court and to see if the rumors are true.”
“Why bring me into this then? Surely there isn’t anything I can do to help that isn’t already being done,” he asked, looking around. It was true. He wasn’t a warrior like them, or a true scholar like Gaius who knew things that would be useful. He did have his magic, but only two of the people in the room knew of it, and at the moment, he could barely light a candle, let alone do any amazing feats of magic. It seemed his magic was a distant thing until he finished healing.
“You are just as involved with this as everyone else.” Arthur intoned, looking down at him with a serious expression. Merlin couldn’t help but remember that night at the round table, pledging himself to Arthur along with the others. He nodded his understanding.
He turned to Lancelot. “Do Gaius and Gwen know?”
“They both know. Gaius is packing a kit for us and a letter to an old friend in Cenred’s court that will get us into the court. Gwen is getting us some simpler clothing that will let us blend with the people.”
“When are you leaving?” he asked, looking around the table at the others, stopping briefly on each.
“Tomorrow.”
“Oh…well…” He trailed off, not sure what to say. Was he supposed to say goodbye now to his friends, or wish them luck, bid them safe passage? Before, he’d always gone along on something like this, since Arthur had always gone along. Except, Arthur had to be more careful now. It was obvious the Uther wouldn’t live for much longer. He had seen what Gaius prepared for Uther every night, the potion meant to boost energy, even as the body lagged. He’d seen use it on Arthur when they had snuck into Camelot after losing the Cup of Life.
“Gaius said he had somewhere to be tomorrow. Could you bring the pack down when we leave?” Lancelot asked, seeing his awkward pause for what it was.
“Of course.” He nodded; glad to have something to do to help. Arthur might have said he was just as involved, but just like Arthur, he liked to have something to do instead of just waiting around.
The two knights in question stood, Percival towering over them, his smile easy. “Good night,” he said softly.
“I will see you two off before you leave.” Arthur said to the departing knights. They nodded, half-bowing as they left, the door shutting quietly behind them.
“I need to get going. My watch is coming up.” Elyan stood, stretching his arms over his head. Nodding to Arthur then the others, he too left, leaving the four of them in silence.
Arthur turned back to them; face still pinched under the stress of his thoughts, most definitely centered around Morgana. “You should go get some sleep. Leon, I must speak with you further.”
Merlin stood, mind elsewhere for a second. As Gwaine followed, his foot caught on the leg of the table and he staggered. Merlin caught him, staggering under his weight as the knight swayed slightly. “I thought you said you weren’t that drunk?” he asked with a puff of breath.
“I said ‘not nearly enough’; there’s a difference,” he answered good-naturedly, laughing softly as his balance threatened to go.
“I’ll help our local drunk to his rooms,” he joked as he helped the inebriated knight from Arthur’s chambers, shutting the door with some difficulty since Gwaine’s feet kept getting in the way. Eventually, they made it through the door and some stone corridors later, they were walking up the stairs to the wing of the castle that housed all of Camelot’s knights.
Struggling to keep stay upright, they swayed down the corridor, stopping before Gwaine’s door. Opening it, he maneuvered them through, shutting it awkwardly behind them as it shut louder than he intended, sending a dull echo bouncing off stone walls.
The rooms weren’t big, certainly not as big as Arthur’s or Uther’s, but they were spacious. They were certainly larger than Merlin’s little storeroom-turned-bedroom. Gwaine’s room alone could hold a little over two of Merlin’s and he was a ‘new’ knight, even if they thought him common. Leon’s rooms, as a noble and just below Arthur in the chain of command, were even bigger.
Gwaine took a step away and his feet seemed to trip on air, pitching him into Merlin. Merlin barely caught him in time, the two of them falling backwards to hit the wall next to the door with a solid thump that knocked the wind from their lungs momentarily.
Trying to move Gwaine, who had him crowded against the stone wall, Merlin froze as he felt a hand slide under his jacket. He would have shrugged it off as Gwaine not knowing any better, being in the state he was in, but the purposeful and steady movement belied that thought and the fact that, though Gwaine was drunk, he had seen him even worse than this and still fight with his sword with ease, if with a little more of a stagger.
“Gwaine…” He didn’t get to finish his sentence as warm lips pressed against his, the hand now moving up to press into his lower back, bringing him closer than before. For a second his mind was split, one part in the here and now, and the other part to weeks ago, feeling a hand under his jacket and burning pain as Arthur held him up.
With a wrench, he pulled back, his head striking the wall behind him with a thump. It hurt and made his head throb, but it drove out the mixed feelings he had been feeling, clearing his mind of all else but the sharp, clean pain.
He heard Gwaine sigh heavily, head bowing to rest against his shoulder. “Sorry…” he muttered softly. “Didn’t mean for that…” he didn’t finish, starting to pull away.
With difficulty, Merlin unclenched his fingers from Gwaine’s tunic, having just realized he was holding onto it for dear life, and wrapped his arm around his shoulders, keeping him in place. He could feel the taut pull of his shoulders as he waited for Merlin to turn him down gently.
“I’m sorry…”
“Don’t,” he bit out hoarsely.
“If you’ll let me finish.” He waited and then continued. “It…” At this he flushed slightly. “It wasn’t you or the…erm…kiss. It just brought back memories, from before.” Gwaine looked up slightly, confused. Merlin grabbed his hand, guiding it to his side where two dots of puckered scar tissue lay hidden beneath the cloth of his shirt.
“Oh,” he finally said.
“Yeah.” Merlin nodded, feeling the flush on his cheeks creep lower down his throat at Gwaine’s assessing look.
“Can I see it?” he finally asked.
“I…yes.” He finally answered. Gwaine pushed away from the wall, gripping his arm and pulling him towards his bed. It was made and turned down already, the fire in the hearth blazing cheerfully. He pushed Merlin down to sit on the bed, his scarred back facing the fire, giving light to see by.
He started to pull off the jacket and Merlin let him, laying the jacket beside Merlin on the bed. The thin strip of leather he used for a belt soon followed, Merlin doing this as Gwaine stood to toe his boots off. Merlin went to take his tunic off, but Gwaine stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Kneeling down next to Merlin, Gwaine lowered his head until it was level with Merlin’s lower back.
Gentle fingers tugged the cloth up, revealing pale skin and scar tissue. He jerked a little as Gwaine’s fingers touched the marks. He knew what they looked like. If he twisted just right, he could see them, still slightly red, and raised from the rest of his smooth flesh.
“Does it still hurt?” Gwaine asked and his breath brushed against Merlin’s back, making him shiver slightly.
“Not anymore. Gaius thinks there might have been some damage there since it didn’t hurt, but I didn’t really care.” He jumped as soft fingers ran over them.
“You can feel that,” Gwaine mused aloud, and Merlin had to fight from squirming as he ran his bearded cheek against it, feeling his blush returning. He choked on a squawk when something hot and moist brushed over his skin and he realized it was Gwaine’s tongue. He pulled back, allowing the tunic to go back down. “You can inform Gaius that there is no damage there besides some scar tissue,” he told the warlock, smirking when Merlin sent him a withering glare, his cheeks still red from embarrassment and a little arousal.
“I’m going to bed,” he declared, snatching his jacket off the bed and marching away. “See if I help you back to your rooms again,” he muttered and ignored the deep chuckle from behind him as he closed the door.
Back in the tower, he avoided Gaius’s gaze, only grunting a yes when Gaius asked him to deliver the package Arthur had mentioned to Lancelot and Percival in the morning. In his room, his mind ran in circles the whole night, cursing his insomnia and reliving the moment in Gwaine’s room again and again. He stubbornly ignored the flush creeping over his skin and the warmth pooling in his abdomen.
Part 3