(naruto) oft awry
Last edited May 2007
Title: Oft Awry
Author: Asuka Kureru, from one of Kineko's plotbunnies.
Fandom: Naruto
Sequel to Best Laid Plans
Pairing(s): NaruSasu, LeeSaku, temporary random pairings for the fun of it. XD
Genre: humor, eventually smut
Warnings: Still het and yuri, some yaoi for variety. I'm still awful. Silliness.
Notes: This is taking place maybe a week or two after Best Laid Plans.
"HEYYYY SAAAAKURA-CHYAAAAAAAAN!!!"
It was hard to pretend that she hadn't heard the yell. Sakura straightened up, abandoning her laundry, and turned toward the street and her hyperactive ex-teammate. Naruto was running full-tilt at her; he barely slowed down when he vaulted over her garden fence. Shaking her head and smiling fondly, she waited for him to join her. Even at twenty, sometimes he was still as bouncy as a kid.
Coming to a stop, he panted, hands on his knees, then looked up at her and grinned. He'd grown up into quite an attractive man, she noticed. /A hunk, you mean/ Inner-Sakura added. Too bad they both preferred dark-haired people. Too bad also that they were quite taken already, but then it wasn't because you were on a diet that you weren't allowed to have a look at the menu.
"Hello, Naruto. Did you want something?"
"Oh, yeah..." He grinned again, so carefree and innocent. She smiled back. It was hard not to. "Will you bear Sasuke's child?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Hey. Avoid hitting him there."
Sakura stopped in the middle of lifting her knee toward Naruto's groin, and let his collar slip out of her hands, whirling around to face the newcomer. The blond fell to the ground with a heavy thump and whimpered pitifully. He'd taken worse punishment before; Sakura was more worried about the unknown young woman leaning against her fence.
Sakura glared, still angry at Naruto and miffed that the girl hadn't bothered to ask before invading her property. And also because the girl was more beautiful than Sakura could ever hope to be, and seemed to know it.
Sakura wondered who the unknown girl was, for a second, then was reminded of a rumor -- Ino had told her something about Chouji repeating something Hinata had gotten from Kiba that Naruto had a girlfriend. She hadn't really believed it; Naruto, as hot as he had become in the last years, was still hyperactive and thoughtless and annoying; and to nail a dead sexy woman like Sakura had heard the mystery girlfriend supposedly was, you needed a minimum of sophistication.
Sakura had been sure that even if the bottom of the story -- Naruto getting a girlfriend -- was true, the rest was all rumors. Now she was reviewing her opinion.
"I didn't know he had the use of these parts, sorry," she replied, a bit snidely. She didn't like Naruto that way, but he was still one of her teammates, one of her boys, and she tended to be possessive when she felt threatened. Right now, she was. From the way the dark-haired woman stood, she was powerful and deadly on top of being gorgeous. Life was unfair.
The unknown girl snorted, tossing her hair back behind her shoulders. "I assure you, the development is pretty recent." She then strolled closer casually -- Sakura kept eyeing her warily, she moved more like a predator than anything else, a way that reminded her of danger -- and kicked Naruto's side.
"Get up, dead last."
Sakura blinked. That tone, that... nickname... No, it couldn't be. Even if the woman wore a Konoha headband and Sakura had never seen her before. It just couldn't be.
"Oww. Bastard."
Naruto's reply cinched it.
"SASUKE-KUN?"
She could see it, now; the embarrassed, sulky glare sent her way was pure Sasuke. /Figures the bastard would be a prettier girl than us./
She gaped, for a whole minute. Then Sasuke glowered at her, asking what she found so funny, and Naruto snickered and leered. Sakura gasped.
"AAHHH!! NARUTO!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO SASUKE-KUN?!"
Naruto whimpered, rubbing his ear, and glared up at her. "What makes you think I did anything?"
She pointed at Sasuke's smallish but perky chest, her hands shaking in anger. "HE'S A GIRL!! If that's not your fault, I don't know what is! Who else does such stupid stuff?"
"I'll have you know it's a great jutsu!"
"It's PERVERTED! It's -- it's -- Sasuke-kun, are you okay?"
The young man -- well, young woman for now -- was a suspicious shade of pink that was decidedly unnatural for his pale skin.
"You could try screeching louder," she -- he -- growled, "I think they didn't hear you toward the East wall."
She winced. "Sorry... I just -- why are you a girl anyway? And -- and what was that stuff about Naruto asking me to bear your child?"
Sasuke had longer legs as a woman, as Sakura could see when one of them unfolded gracefully to kick Naruto in the head.
"OW! What the hell?!"
"Moron! You --"
Inner Sakura snickered when Sasuke realized he'd been screeching like a harpy and fell silent, looking even more embarrassed than before.
"... Right, so. Could either of you explain? Preferably not Naruto," Sakura added quickly.
Naruto pouted and opened his mouth, but Sasuke glared him into submission.
"Well. It's. It's."
It was the first time in her life that Sakura had heard Uchiha Sasuke stammer.
"You know I've been thinking about... My duty to the Uchiha clan."
She nodded. Of course she knew. For a while, she had dreamed of standing at his side while they rebuilt the clan's honor together and raised many strong and proud children with his looks and her smarts. She'd also dreamed of sunsets and flowers and declarations on bended knee. ... Hah. Sasuke was never going to be romantic and tender, not even in private. He was also totally unable to notice anyone who didn't have the ability to thoroughly kick his ass.
"The Uchiha clan is a matrilineal clan."
She blinked. Once. Twice.
"Oh."
There wasn't anything more to say, really. There just was to stand there and absorb it.
Vaguely, she heard Naruto comment that it figured she didn't even need to ask about the big words, and Sasuke snapping back that not everyone was a fluff-brained moron.
"OH. Oh, crap. You mean -- you're going to be a woman from now on? Oh, Sasuke!" she exclaimed, giving him a sympathetic look.
"What? No! It's just for a little while."
She shuddered in understanding. He was so self-sacrificing, really -- nine months as a pregnant woman... That would be enough to break more than one man.
"Oh, Sasuke-kun..."
"Ohhhhhh, Sasuke-kuun..." Naruto imitated from the ground, his tone as simpering as possible. Sakura stomped on his hand.
"It's just -- that is. I need a surrogate mother."
Sakura blinked. Sasuke's expression was still as cold and proud as ever, but his hand betrayed him. It was rubbing his belly nervously -- she wasn't sure he'd even noticed.
"A... surrogate? But -- I mean..." she gestured at him, at his chest -- waist -- legs /bloody unfair, dammit/, confused. He didn't look like he needed a surrogate.
Sasuke shrugged and looked away. "Oh, this body is... perfectly functional."
From his position sprawled on the ground, Naruto snickered. She gave the both of them a suspicious look.
"But maintaining this shape is using up chakra. Not a lot, and I can keep it up for a month or two in one go, but not much longer."
"... So you can conceive the child yourself, but you need to find someone to carry it to term for you," she finished, finally understanding. "Is that linked to the reason why you're a woman right now?"
He blushed and looked away, scowling. It had always been endearing when Sasuke scowled, but right now it was more... adorable. Sexy. She allowed herself a second to hate him.
Naruto nodded. "Well, yeah. The old hag -- OW! I mean, Tsunade said his body had to start a cycle. Meaning we're probably gonna deal with PMS-Sasuke-chan at some point if he doesn't get knocked up first," he added, eyeing the brunette warily. "Not that it's gonna be a big change, I mean even as a boy--"
Sakura noticed with a little sigh that Sasuke threw kunai just as well in any of his shapes. It must be good to be a genius. She knew that the change in muscle tone and bone length would have unsettled her, but he was just as precise as always, as the wild-eyed look in Naruto's eyes attested. She shook her head and pulled the weapons free, letting Naruto down from the wooden wall of her house.
"Do. Not. Call me that. EVER."
Naruto smirked. "What, Sasuke-chaaaan? It's not as if I can call you Sasuke-kun right now..."
And then he leered and gave Sasuke's chest a look Sakura would have recognized everywhere. It had been turned her way too many times to count as a teenager. As always, the response was instantaneous.
"PERVERT!!"
The fence shook as Naruto crashed into it. Sakura seethed, ready to deliver another punch if needed.
"Oi, Sakura, I already told you not to damage him."
Sasuke was frowning at her, hands on his hips. He was aiming for stern, annoyed maybe, but he was only getting to provocatively seductive. Damn his perfect body.
"But...!" she protested, gesturing toward Naruto, wanting to make him understand the depths of the blond man's perversion.
Sasuke only arched an eyebrow, in a clear 'yeah, and so what?' attitude. Sakura spluttered, refusing for a second to believe that he knew what she was talking about.
And then she remembered the bits and pieces of the rumor that she'd heard from Ino.
If one believed Kiba's wild tales of a virgin, half-feral sex goddess -- Kiba didn't seem to see any contradiction between the claim of virginity and the alleged libido and total lack of any body shyness -- Naruto and his unknown girlfriend had apparently had very kinky sex.
Sasuke's wrists and his throat were faintly bruised.
Sasuke actually cared about the state of Naruto's crotch.
Oh god.
"Ack! Sakura-chan! Can't breathe!"
Naruto squirmed under her, huffing and puffing, and she absently gave him a slap over the head for insinuating that she was fat.
"Sakura... sittin' on my stomach... urgh..."
As if she could hurt him by fainting on top of him. Idiot.
/We're not really fainted right now, are we?/
'Well, we should be,' she groused back, finally snapping out of her shocked state. Maybe all the antics and trials they'd put her through had finally desensitized her. A little. After all, she'd witnessed their first kiss.
/Shoulda guessed right from the start./
'Yes,' she agreed with her Inner as she stared up at Sasuke and absently pushed Naruto's head down with her fist. 'What with all the saving each other and beating each other up and teasing each other -- just like little boys pulling their crush's pigtails, really, and the risking their lives for each other and the being the only ones the other one truly listens to, I should have guessed that they would...'
And then it really hit her.
"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE HAVING SEX."
Naruto laughed -- or choked, it was hard to tell. "No kidding. Hey -- get off my chest, please. 'S not that you don't have a gorgeous backside, you see -- but I kinda can't breathe."
"You. And you." She pointed, slowly, to make sure. "Are having sex."
"Warn us when you're done freaking out," Sasuke muttered, glaring at her. His cheeks were red. It was weird and yet strangely fitting that she only ever saw him blush about things related to Naruto.
"I will," she promised absently. "You're having sex. Sasuke-kun and Naruto are having sex. Together."
Naruto grinned. "Uh huh."
"Actual sex."
"Yeah. With penetration and all. And oral and coming all over each other and stuff."
Sakura's face caught on fire faster than a barrel of fuel under Katon, and she yelped and slapped her hands over her ears. Sasuke's foot found Naruto's face. "Moron!! What are you going to tell her about next, your favorite positions?!"
"I was thinking of kinks and fantasies first, but that works too-- OWW!"
Sasuke couldn't even talk for a few minutes. He seemed ready to explode. "You... You're really the king of ALL THINGS MORONIC! She doesn't need to know!"
"Of course she does!" Naruto shot back, glaring at Sasuke stubbornly. Sakura got the feeling that, despite being the center of their argument and still being seated on Naruto's stomach, they'd once again totally forgotten her existence.
"Why the hell would she?! It's not as if you want her to cheat on Lee with us! Or do you?" Sasuke asked, black eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"What? Cheat?! No!" Naruto glowered. "But if she's gonna end up carrying your baby -- you do know how babies are made, don't you?"
"I only need her to carry it! If your tiny brain remembers it, I can handle the female part just fine, it's a male I need to have sex with. And as far as I know, Sakura's not one!"
"Yeah, well, as far as I know, you're not a girl either, and yet..."
Sasuke groaned and kicked Naruto
"Stop making moron-sense, moron. You're tiring me out."
Sakura finally abandoned her muscly seat and got up, pushing Sasuke -- gorgeous Sasuke, so unfair -- away from Naruto, so their idiot teammate could get up. It was easier now to manhandle Sasuke, and she realized with surprise that she was actually just as tall as her teammate was. Taller, with her heels. /Hah, take that./
Though with legs like his, he hardly needed heels. Bastard. He just had to be better than anyone, even at stuff like that. Rrrgh.
"Time out. Rewind. EXPLAIN THINGS CLEARLY. Or I'll beat you two up, and then get Lee so he can beat you up."
Naruto opened his mouth.
"And I can make Lee get Gai-sensei to help. He'll even give you a lecture along with the beating."
Naruto closed his mouth.
"Good. Now, start again, from the beginning. Use small words. I need to make sure I understand everything."
Sasuke growled and gave her a put-upon look, but complied. "I want a child."
"Okay, I get that."
"I need to be the, biologically speaking and shut up Naruto, the mother of that child. Or else,, no Sharingan. As far as the conception, at least. I need a real woman to carry the child to term for me. My chakra won't last three months, much less nine."
Sakura nodded, forcing herself to see it as a logical problem to be solved rather than as the most fucked up, mentally scarring situation she'd ever been involved in because of her teammates. Transferring a pregnancy was complicated, but doable, so it wasn't an obstacle, but...
"Well... I can see where you're coming from, but... I haven't even had Lee's child. We're planning to... If I was unattached, it would be different, but -- I don't want my first child to... never be really mine. I want my first child to be Lee's child. And all my other ones. It would be too hard, on him and on me, to just carry a baby that I would have to relinquish all claims to."
"You would see the child all the time," Sasuke mumbled, not sounding that convinced himself.
Sakura sighed softly, and touched his cheek. His skin was so soft, she allowed herself a second to be jealous. She just knew he would never bother with creams or moisturizer, and it didn't matter because he would never need to. She thanked God for making Sasuke a girl; it was much easier to say 'no' to him that way. "I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun, honestly I am... but I'm afraid I can't do that for you."
Naruto gave her sad, abandoned, unloved, starved puppy eyes. She sighed, and bopped him over the head.
And then she had an idea. She pretended to herself that she was too nice to actually propose that, then reminded herself that Naruto was a brute and maybe forcing some grace and finesse onto him wouldn't be that bad.
Also, they were in love, weren't they? He could do that for Sasuke.
"Say, Naruto... You have much more stamina than Sasuke... Than anyone, really," she quickly amended at the dark look Sasuke sent her. "And you recover so fast."
Naruto puffed up. "Aha, yes! That's true."
"So you could hold onto a jutsu way longer than Sasuke could."
"Uh huh."
"Say, nine months?"
"Yeah, probably -- what?"
Naruto looked particularly stupid when his mouth was open that wide. Sakura pushed away Inner Sakura's desire to chortle evilly in his face. After all, it wasn't such a bad idea, was it?
Sasuke blinked, crossed his arms over his chest -- then crossed them under his chest, and pretended that he had not forgotten the presence of his boobs -- and looked down his nose at them both.
"Eh. No. I don't want to risk my children being infected with his stupid."
Naruto seemed not to know if he wanted to be insanely relieved or mortally insulted.
Sakura blinked. "Uh. Um, I thought. That is, I assumed -- won't he infect them anyway?"
Sasuke gave her a long look, as if she'd suddenly started speaking in tongues. She blushed.
"I thought... He. Uhm. The daddy?"
Sasuke and Naruto exchanged a surprised look. Naruto looked mildly panicked.
"What, me a father? Sakura-chan, I know you mean well, but there is so much sheer wrongness in that, I don't even know where to start running in terror."
"Amazing. Even morons can have flashes of wisdom, apparently." Sasuke smirked, then shrugged. "I will be their father anyway -- in role at least. I don't need a second daddy."
"Oh, good. 'cause as much as I like kids, I'm so not ready to have one of my own."
Sakura blinked at them both. Well, maybe their relationship was just casual for now, but she would have assumed that Naruto would be a bit more jealous at the idea of someone else getting his lover pregnant -- even if Sasuke wasn't going to actually carry the child very long.
"I still don't want your stupid anyway."
Naruto gave him a dirty look. "Hey, you seemed to like my stupid well enough yesterday night."
Sasuke and Sakura bopped him over the head at the exact same time.
Blushing with embarrassment, Sakura looked at Sasuke. "So, who's going to be the father then?"
Sasuke shrugged. "I'll decide that later. It's going to be easier than finding a mother."
"Yeah, 'cause you gotta be a great woman to agree to nine months of bearing a kid that ain't yours, but you don't need more than owning a pair of balls in working order to want to fuck someone like Sasuke-chan. OW."
"For the last time. Don't. Call. Me. That."
"Yes, honeybuns -- woohoo! Missed!"
Okay, so maybe Sasuke didn't master his new body quite yet, but then Naruto seemed to feel a strange reluctance to hit him, so in the end they were pretty evenly matched.
She just didn't want them to be matched in her flowerbeds.
Sakura sighed, counted to ten, then kicked them both out, with orders to come back later when they were ready to be more reasonable. She needed space to think calmly, and she was not going to get it with them both around. Lee was coming back home anyway, and she didn't want these idiots here while she tried to explain things to her husband.
Who knew, maybe he'd help. She was the thinker of the two, but sometimes Lee's blinding simplicity was exactly what she needed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Naruto and Sasuke strolled down the street, nursing bruises that matched Sakura's fists exactly.
"So. Who are we asking first?" Naruto asked. "Since Sakura-chan won't."
Sasuke sighed and massaged his temples. The whole situation gave him a headache, and Naruto's presence didn't help.
"Who do we know?"
Naruto started counting on his fingers. "Hinata-chan, Tenten, Ino..."
Sasuke winced. Ino had been one of the most devoted members of his fanclub. He didn't want to encourage her if there was the littlest chance she'd want in his pants again. Though... he looked down at himself, still mildly disturbed to see twin bulges under the fabric. Maybe like that he was safe.
Naruto saw him cringe and nodded. "Yeah, Ino is SCARY, man. So, uh, Tenten?"
"Married."
Naruto frowned thoughtfully, looking down at his feet. "... I don't like the idea of asking Hinata for some reason..."
Sasuke frowned at his worried air, and shrugged. "She's a Hyuuga anyway."
"Uh, yeah. And? Oh, the eyes would interfere?"
"Technically, no -- she'd just carry it, she wouldn't give genes... But there would be other problems. Political problems."
Naruto grimaced. "Urgh. Politics. Never could understand jack shit 'bout them. But maybe Hinata would like an occasion to leave her clan."
"Which means I would need to marry her. They wouldn't let me, unless they consider it an honor and a way to keep the Uchiha in debt for the next hundred years... and unless I swear that we're never going to really reproduce -- neither the Hyuuga nor the Uchiha want to know what will happen if you mix the two lines again. I could take a mistress or several, but I couldn't divorce Hinata, because that would bring shame on her family."
Naruto grimaced again. "... She would never have a real family of her own, huh. Sorry, but no way am I letting Hinata spend her whole life chained to you like that. I mean, man, you know you're my best friend, but she doesn't deserve that."
Sasuke grumbled something but declined to protest out loud.
They walked in silence a little longer.
"Kurenai-sensei?"
Sasuke blinked. "Besides the fact that she's dating Asuma and hasn't had children of her own yet?"
"Uh, so?"
Sasuke frowned. "This means either she's barren or she doesn't want to leave active duty yet. Besides, she's from a bastard branch of the Uchiha. They have a weird gene defect that affects their chakra field, which in turn affects their vision. She would mess up the Sharingan."
"Uh, okay. You know better." Naruto was silent for a moment longer, before coming up with yet another name. "Hana?"
Sasuke blinked. "Who the hell is that?"
"Inuzuka Hana. Kiba's big sis. The vet with the braid."
Sasuke glared darkly. "Fuck no. I'm not getting furry transsexual influences into my clan."
He waited patiently as Naruto laughed his ass off, then kicked the idiot when he stopped feeling like being patient.
"I'm assuming asking Tsunade-baa-chan isn't even an option," the blond snickered.
Sasuke threw him a dirty glare. "Do you know how old she is under that jutsu?"
"Eww, no, and I don't wanna," Naruto replied, shuddering. "Besides, she's so freakily strong she'd probably break your bones in bed. Too bad, though, because she could probably feed an army of little Uchiha spawns."
Sasuke shuddered. "NARUTO. Stop giving me twisted mental pictures. Thank you."
"Sure, sure."
"... Shizune maybe?"
"Tsunade would kill you. She's possessive."
Sasuke grimaced. "Right."
"Temari?"
"...Gaara's sister?" Sasuke blinked. "She would fit, I guess, but what the hell makes you think she'd even accept?"
"What's that about Temari?" asked Ino as she popped out of a doorway as they walked past. Sasuke cursed himself for not noticing the blonde.
She was eyeing him with keen interest, eyes sparkling. He could see the gossip forming in her brain.
"Hello! Are you new in town?"
Sasuke arched an eyebrow, then realized that he was still in his girl shape. He repressed a horrified shudder at the realization that it was starting to feel almost normal.
Good thing he didn't get embarrassed easily. He considered her a few seconds... Yamanaka Ino, gossip queen. He figured he could do some damage control, and maybe even use her ability to his advantage to advertise his search for free. Sure, he didn't really want to have to sort out a hundred of hopeful village girls who'd probably go crazy when they knew he was on the market, but then he wasn't having any luck on his own.
"Ino. Come on." He didn't want to tell her in the middle of the street. He grabbed her arm and pulled her along in a narrow street. She yelped, but didn't have any time to protest.
"What the--"
"Ino, it's me, Sasuke."
She stared. And stared. Looked at Naruto, who nodded -- then started staring again. She reached out, pushing Sasuke's bangs away from his face -- he frowned but didn't twitch (much) -- and stared some more.
And then she started to circle him, looking him all over. He scowled some more, but stayed in place until she faced him again.
And then she grabbed his boob.
"Hey!"
She rubbed her smarting hand mechanically as she gaped at him.
"You're a girl."
Naruto couldn't keep his snickers quiet any longer. His laughter was very loud. And Sasuke couldn't hurt Ino if he planned on asking her something, so he kicked Naruto instead.
"OW. You're such a bitch, Sasu-chan."
"I told you not to fucking call me that, moron!"
Standing at his side, Ino was staring at them both with surprise. "God, it's really you. But-- but..." she added, and touched his breast again, managing to poke him right in the nipple. Sasuke shuddered and twisted away; she wasn't hurting him but it still felt way too weird.
"...For now, yes," he admitted, and pretended he wasn't embarrassed. "It's... complicated."
She stayed silent a few minutes, then smirked and put her hands on her hips. Sasuke stared at her warily.
"Fine. What do you want from me?"
"Eh? what makes you think we want anything?" Naruto replied, almost managing to look innocent.
"The fact that if he hadn't planned to ask me anything, Sasuke-kun would be running away from me and anyone who could identify him, not going around talking about it, perhaps?"
"... Oh, right. Damn, you're quick."
"You're too used to forehead-girl," Ino replied, tossing her pale hair back smugly.
Sasuke sighed, reluctant to actually ask. "You're right. You might... be of help." He didn't like asking for help, but Sakura and Naruto had spent the last years beating into him that it was normal to ask friends for help sometimes, as long as you were ready to help them too, and that no one would sneer if he asked for something. He supposed Ino qualified. Sort of.
He looked at Ino, crossing his arms over his chest defensively, and in a few terse sentences, summarized the whole mess.
"Hmm. And what was that about Temari? You're thinking about asking her and not me? I'm huurt, Saasuke-kun," she added with a flirtatious leer.
"Oh, we thought about you, but you're scary -- uhh."
Sasuke elbowed Naruto in the stomach.
"We were just listing women we know. So far no one seems to really fit."
"And why don't I fit?" she asked, hands on her hips and scowling.
"Because you were a scary Sasuke-stalker back in the day?"
This time, Sasuke didn't punch Naruto, because he could never have managed to find enough tact to say that.
To his relief, Ino seemed more amused than offended. "Ah, yes, I guess. And you want a mom who won't be a wife, right? Well, I would be perfect. I want a dad who won't be a husband. I'll bear you an Uchiha if you find someone to make me a Yamanaka. Dad's been badgering me, and I love my girlfriend, but she can't really... you see."
Naruto and Sasuke gaped.
"Your what?" Naruto yelled.
Ino glared, miffed, and crossed her arms. "You didn't KNOW? Where have you been living, under a rock? My girlfriend. My lover, who happens to be a girl."
Wait, wait -- Ino was a lesbian? Since when? "But -- I thought you liked me? And I'm -- well, usually..." Sasuke gestured at his own body, frowning to hide his embarrassment.
"Oh, yes," she replied with a dreamy sigh. "You were always so pretty."
Sasuke blinked. Naruto blinked.
Sasuke blinked. Naruto coughed.
Sasuke made a "uhh" sound. Naruto made a "oh god I can't breathe" sound.
Sasuke made another "uhh" sound, and flushed bright red as Naruto fell on the ground and started howling with laughter.
Ino smiled again, giving him a long, head-to-toes look that Sasuke couldn't call anything but lecherous. "Of course, you're much prettier now."
Sasuke promised himself never to roll his eyes again when Sakura complained about people talking to her breasts. He also promised himself to kill Naruto dead if the king of all idiots actually managed to get his breath back long enough to complete the sentence he was trying to get out between two bursts of laughter.
"So. Uh. I guess that means --"
"I have to ask my girl. But yes, there's a good chance. Dad's been bugging me for months now..."
Sasuke nodded dumbly and frowned, trying to regain control of the situation. "So. How..."
Ino grinned, waving off his concerns. "From what you explained, you don't need me for the conception, right? Just find yourself a guy, and once you're knocked up, we'll see about transferring it."
And with that, she leaned forward, pecked him on the cheek, and sauntered off. "Later, daddy!"
Sasuke stared at her until she disappeared down the street, then slowly turned to glance down at Naruto.
"That was surprisingly easy," the blond commented from the ground. Sasuke could only nod, still reeling.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"... I... I can...?" Sakura stammered, staring at her husband with wide eyes.
"Of course you can," Lee repeated, nodding firmly.
She could see the fire of his determination burning in his eyes. Oh, god, help, she hadn't actually been seriously thinking he would okay her half-baked scheme. "What -- really?"
Lee caught her hand and pressed it to his chest. "My love, light of my life, never would I dream of mistrusting your love for me. Never would I dream of preventing you from virtuously assisting your comrades in their noble endeavor, for indeed the bond between teammates is the greatest of them all!"
"But. Won't you -- I mean -- be... jealous?"
"... second only to the bond of holy matrimony," Lee added with a sheepish grin.
Sakura giggled briefly, and then hugged her husband hard. "Don't worry. Never worry. I love them both very much, but I am not what either of them needs... and they aren't what I need either. And I love you."
He nodded gravely, returning the hug. "I understand, Sakura-san. They are your important people. Why, if Gai-sensei needed --"
Sakura slapped her hands on her husband's mouth. "Lee. Please think very carefully about this sentence."
Lee turned kind of greenish. "...Of course, Gai-sensei is an amazing person who wouldn't have any problem finding a loving wife if it was his wish to build a family."
Sakura nodded, smiling awkwardly. Yeurgh, bad mental picture. Very bad. "Of course. But he doesn't, because he already has the most perfect son he could wish for in you. Now you were saying something about eating out?" And then she dragged him toward the door despite his embarrassed and pleased stammering, hoping to leave the traumatizing image behind.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Get your hands off my breasts before I punch you."
Naruto leaned against Sasuke's back and rubbed the firm breasts he was cupping. "Aw, come on, you know you like it."
Sasuke growled, and stepped out of Naruto's hold. "What are you doing in my house anyway? I don't recall inviting you."
"I come here everyday!" Naruto protested.
Sasuke gave him an evil glare. "My point exactly."
They stood face to face, glaring at each other. Sasuke was still female, and was really starting to get tired of it. Smaller, slimmer, and damn it! He wanted to top sometimes. Naruto was getting way too comfortable with nailing him to every flat surface they came across.
"What am I, a permanent booty call?"
Naruto gave him a wounded look. "We're best friends, jackass, am I not allowed to want to spend time around you outside of missions?"
Sasuke crossed his arms defensively and turned away, resolutely not pouting. "... I didn't say that. But your time around me seems to end up being time inside me damn often these days."
Naruto snorted and crossed his arms behind his head, eyerolling at his friend. "Geeze, sorry. You want me to get you a strap-on?"
Sasuke bared his teeth. "That might be a good idea."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Title: Oft Awry
Author: Asuka Kureru, from one of Kineko's plotbunnies.
Fandom: Naruto
Sequel to Best Laid Plans
Pairing(s): NaruSasu, LeeSaku, temporary random pairings for the fun of it. XD
Genre: humor, eventually smut
Warnings: Still het and yuri, some yaoi for variety. I'm still awful. Silliness.
Notes: This is taking place maybe a week or two after Best Laid Plans.
"HEYYYY SAAAAKURA-CHYAAAAAAAAN!!!"
It was hard to pretend that she hadn't heard the yell. Sakura straightened up, abandoning her laundry, and turned toward the street and her hyperactive ex-teammate. Naruto was running full-tilt at her; he barely slowed down when he vaulted over her garden fence. Shaking her head and smiling fondly, she waited for him to join her. Even at twenty, sometimes he was still as bouncy as a kid.
Coming to a stop, he panted, hands on his knees, then looked up at her and grinned. He'd grown up into quite an attractive man, she noticed. /A hunk, you mean/ Inner-Sakura added. Too bad they both preferred dark-haired people. Too bad also that they were quite taken already, but then it wasn't because you were on a diet that you weren't allowed to have a look at the menu.
"Hello, Naruto. Did you want something?"
"Oh, yeah..." He grinned again, so carefree and innocent. She smiled back. It was hard not to. "Will you bear Sasuke's child?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Hey. Avoid hitting him there."
Sakura stopped in the middle of lifting her knee toward Naruto's groin, and let his collar slip out of her hands, whirling around to face the newcomer. The blond fell to the ground with a heavy thump and whimpered pitifully. He'd taken worse punishment before; Sakura was more worried about the unknown young woman leaning against her fence.
Sakura glared, still angry at Naruto and miffed that the girl hadn't bothered to ask before invading her property. And also because the girl was more beautiful than Sakura could ever hope to be, and seemed to know it.
Sakura wondered who the unknown girl was, for a second, then was reminded of a rumor -- Ino had told her something about Chouji repeating something Hinata had gotten from Kiba that Naruto had a girlfriend. She hadn't really believed it; Naruto, as hot as he had become in the last years, was still hyperactive and thoughtless and annoying; and to nail a dead sexy woman like Sakura had heard the mystery girlfriend supposedly was, you needed a minimum of sophistication.
Sakura had been sure that even if the bottom of the story -- Naruto getting a girlfriend -- was true, the rest was all rumors. Now she was reviewing her opinion.
"I didn't know he had the use of these parts, sorry," she replied, a bit snidely. She didn't like Naruto that way, but he was still one of her teammates, one of her boys, and she tended to be possessive when she felt threatened. Right now, she was. From the way the dark-haired woman stood, she was powerful and deadly on top of being gorgeous. Life was unfair.
The unknown girl snorted, tossing her hair back behind her shoulders. "I assure you, the development is pretty recent." She then strolled closer casually -- Sakura kept eyeing her warily, she moved more like a predator than anything else, a way that reminded her of danger -- and kicked Naruto's side.
"Get up, dead last."
Sakura blinked. That tone, that... nickname... No, it couldn't be. Even if the woman wore a Konoha headband and Sakura had never seen her before. It just couldn't be.
"Oww. Bastard."
Naruto's reply cinched it.
"SASUKE-KUN?"
She could see it, now; the embarrassed, sulky glare sent her way was pure Sasuke. /Figures the bastard would be a prettier girl than us./
She gaped, for a whole minute. Then Sasuke glowered at her, asking what she found so funny, and Naruto snickered and leered. Sakura gasped.
"AAHHH!! NARUTO!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO SASUKE-KUN?!"
Naruto whimpered, rubbing his ear, and glared up at her. "What makes you think I did anything?"
She pointed at Sasuke's smallish but perky chest, her hands shaking in anger. "HE'S A GIRL!! If that's not your fault, I don't know what is! Who else does such stupid stuff?"
"I'll have you know it's a great jutsu!"
"It's PERVERTED! It's -- it's -- Sasuke-kun, are you okay?"
The young man -- well, young woman for now -- was a suspicious shade of pink that was decidedly unnatural for his pale skin.
"You could try screeching louder," she -- he -- growled, "I think they didn't hear you toward the East wall."
She winced. "Sorry... I just -- why are you a girl anyway? And -- and what was that stuff about Naruto asking me to bear your child?"
Sasuke had longer legs as a woman, as Sakura could see when one of them unfolded gracefully to kick Naruto in the head.
"OW! What the hell?!"
"Moron! You --"
Inner Sakura snickered when Sasuke realized he'd been screeching like a harpy and fell silent, looking even more embarrassed than before.
"... Right, so. Could either of you explain? Preferably not Naruto," Sakura added quickly.
Naruto pouted and opened his mouth, but Sasuke glared him into submission.
"Well. It's. It's."
It was the first time in her life that Sakura had heard Uchiha Sasuke stammer.
"You know I've been thinking about... My duty to the Uchiha clan."
She nodded. Of course she knew. For a while, she had dreamed of standing at his side while they rebuilt the clan's honor together and raised many strong and proud children with his looks and her smarts. She'd also dreamed of sunsets and flowers and declarations on bended knee. ... Hah. Sasuke was never going to be romantic and tender, not even in private. He was also totally unable to notice anyone who didn't have the ability to thoroughly kick his ass.
"The Uchiha clan is a matrilineal clan."
She blinked. Once. Twice.
"Oh."
There wasn't anything more to say, really. There just was to stand there and absorb it.
Vaguely, she heard Naruto comment that it figured she didn't even need to ask about the big words, and Sasuke snapping back that not everyone was a fluff-brained moron.
"OH. Oh, crap. You mean -- you're going to be a woman from now on? Oh, Sasuke!" she exclaimed, giving him a sympathetic look.
"What? No! It's just for a little while."
She shuddered in understanding. He was so self-sacrificing, really -- nine months as a pregnant woman... That would be enough to break more than one man.
"Oh, Sasuke-kun..."
"Ohhhhhh, Sasuke-kuun..." Naruto imitated from the ground, his tone as simpering as possible. Sakura stomped on his hand.
"It's just -- that is. I need a surrogate mother."
Sakura blinked. Sasuke's expression was still as cold and proud as ever, but his hand betrayed him. It was rubbing his belly nervously -- she wasn't sure he'd even noticed.
"A... surrogate? But -- I mean..." she gestured at him, at his chest -- waist -- legs /bloody unfair, dammit/, confused. He didn't look like he needed a surrogate.
Sasuke shrugged and looked away. "Oh, this body is... perfectly functional."
From his position sprawled on the ground, Naruto snickered. She gave the both of them a suspicious look.
"But maintaining this shape is using up chakra. Not a lot, and I can keep it up for a month or two in one go, but not much longer."
"... So you can conceive the child yourself, but you need to find someone to carry it to term for you," she finished, finally understanding. "Is that linked to the reason why you're a woman right now?"
He blushed and looked away, scowling. It had always been endearing when Sasuke scowled, but right now it was more... adorable. Sexy. She allowed herself a second to hate him.
Naruto nodded. "Well, yeah. The old hag -- OW! I mean, Tsunade said his body had to start a cycle. Meaning we're probably gonna deal with PMS-Sasuke-chan at some point if he doesn't get knocked up first," he added, eyeing the brunette warily. "Not that it's gonna be a big change, I mean even as a boy--"
Sakura noticed with a little sigh that Sasuke threw kunai just as well in any of his shapes. It must be good to be a genius. She knew that the change in muscle tone and bone length would have unsettled her, but he was just as precise as always, as the wild-eyed look in Naruto's eyes attested. She shook her head and pulled the weapons free, letting Naruto down from the wooden wall of her house.
"Do. Not. Call me that. EVER."
Naruto smirked. "What, Sasuke-chaaaan? It's not as if I can call you Sasuke-kun right now..."
And then he leered and gave Sasuke's chest a look Sakura would have recognized everywhere. It had been turned her way too many times to count as a teenager. As always, the response was instantaneous.
"PERVERT!!"
The fence shook as Naruto crashed into it. Sakura seethed, ready to deliver another punch if needed.
"Oi, Sakura, I already told you not to damage him."
Sasuke was frowning at her, hands on his hips. He was aiming for stern, annoyed maybe, but he was only getting to provocatively seductive. Damn his perfect body.
"But...!" she protested, gesturing toward Naruto, wanting to make him understand the depths of the blond man's perversion.
Sasuke only arched an eyebrow, in a clear 'yeah, and so what?' attitude. Sakura spluttered, refusing for a second to believe that he knew what she was talking about.
And then she remembered the bits and pieces of the rumor that she'd heard from Ino.
If one believed Kiba's wild tales of a virgin, half-feral sex goddess -- Kiba didn't seem to see any contradiction between the claim of virginity and the alleged libido and total lack of any body shyness -- Naruto and his unknown girlfriend had apparently had very kinky sex.
Sasuke's wrists and his throat were faintly bruised.
Sasuke actually cared about the state of Naruto's crotch.
Oh god.
"Ack! Sakura-chan! Can't breathe!"
Naruto squirmed under her, huffing and puffing, and she absently gave him a slap over the head for insinuating that she was fat.
"Sakura... sittin' on my stomach... urgh..."
As if she could hurt him by fainting on top of him. Idiot.
/We're not really fainted right now, are we?/
'Well, we should be,' she groused back, finally snapping out of her shocked state. Maybe all the antics and trials they'd put her through had finally desensitized her. A little. After all, she'd witnessed their first kiss.
/Shoulda guessed right from the start./
'Yes,' she agreed with her Inner as she stared up at Sasuke and absently pushed Naruto's head down with her fist. 'What with all the saving each other and beating each other up and teasing each other -- just like little boys pulling their crush's pigtails, really, and the risking their lives for each other and the being the only ones the other one truly listens to, I should have guessed that they would...'
And then it really hit her.
"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE HAVING SEX."
Naruto laughed -- or choked, it was hard to tell. "No kidding. Hey -- get off my chest, please. 'S not that you don't have a gorgeous backside, you see -- but I kinda can't breathe."
"You. And you." She pointed, slowly, to make sure. "Are having sex."
"Warn us when you're done freaking out," Sasuke muttered, glaring at her. His cheeks were red. It was weird and yet strangely fitting that she only ever saw him blush about things related to Naruto.
"I will," she promised absently. "You're having sex. Sasuke-kun and Naruto are having sex. Together."
Naruto grinned. "Uh huh."
"Actual sex."
"Yeah. With penetration and all. And oral and coming all over each other and stuff."
Sakura's face caught on fire faster than a barrel of fuel under Katon, and she yelped and slapped her hands over her ears. Sasuke's foot found Naruto's face. "Moron!! What are you going to tell her about next, your favorite positions?!"
"I was thinking of kinks and fantasies first, but that works too-- OWW!"
Sasuke couldn't even talk for a few minutes. He seemed ready to explode. "You... You're really the king of ALL THINGS MORONIC! She doesn't need to know!"
"Of course she does!" Naruto shot back, glaring at Sasuke stubbornly. Sakura got the feeling that, despite being the center of their argument and still being seated on Naruto's stomach, they'd once again totally forgotten her existence.
"Why the hell would she?! It's not as if you want her to cheat on Lee with us! Or do you?" Sasuke asked, black eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"What? Cheat?! No!" Naruto glowered. "But if she's gonna end up carrying your baby -- you do know how babies are made, don't you?"
"I only need her to carry it! If your tiny brain remembers it, I can handle the female part just fine, it's a male I need to have sex with. And as far as I know, Sakura's not one!"
"Yeah, well, as far as I know, you're not a girl either, and yet..."
Sasuke groaned and kicked Naruto
"Stop making moron-sense, moron. You're tiring me out."
Sakura finally abandoned her muscly seat and got up, pushing Sasuke -- gorgeous Sasuke, so unfair -- away from Naruto, so their idiot teammate could get up. It was easier now to manhandle Sasuke, and she realized with surprise that she was actually just as tall as her teammate was. Taller, with her heels. /Hah, take that./
Though with legs like his, he hardly needed heels. Bastard. He just had to be better than anyone, even at stuff like that. Rrrgh.
"Time out. Rewind. EXPLAIN THINGS CLEARLY. Or I'll beat you two up, and then get Lee so he can beat you up."
Naruto opened his mouth.
"And I can make Lee get Gai-sensei to help. He'll even give you a lecture along with the beating."
Naruto closed his mouth.
"Good. Now, start again, from the beginning. Use small words. I need to make sure I understand everything."
Sasuke growled and gave her a put-upon look, but complied. "I want a child."
"Okay, I get that."
"I need to be the, biologically speaking and shut up Naruto, the mother of that child. Or else,, no Sharingan. As far as the conception, at least. I need a real woman to carry the child to term for me. My chakra won't last three months, much less nine."
Sakura nodded, forcing herself to see it as a logical problem to be solved rather than as the most fucked up, mentally scarring situation she'd ever been involved in because of her teammates. Transferring a pregnancy was complicated, but doable, so it wasn't an obstacle, but...
"Well... I can see where you're coming from, but... I haven't even had Lee's child. We're planning to... If I was unattached, it would be different, but -- I don't want my first child to... never be really mine. I want my first child to be Lee's child. And all my other ones. It would be too hard, on him and on me, to just carry a baby that I would have to relinquish all claims to."
"You would see the child all the time," Sasuke mumbled, not sounding that convinced himself.
Sakura sighed softly, and touched his cheek. His skin was so soft, she allowed herself a second to be jealous. She just knew he would never bother with creams or moisturizer, and it didn't matter because he would never need to. She thanked God for making Sasuke a girl; it was much easier to say 'no' to him that way. "I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun, honestly I am... but I'm afraid I can't do that for you."
Naruto gave her sad, abandoned, unloved, starved puppy eyes. She sighed, and bopped him over the head.
And then she had an idea. She pretended to herself that she was too nice to actually propose that, then reminded herself that Naruto was a brute and maybe forcing some grace and finesse onto him wouldn't be that bad.
Also, they were in love, weren't they? He could do that for Sasuke.
"Say, Naruto... You have much more stamina than Sasuke... Than anyone, really," she quickly amended at the dark look Sasuke sent her. "And you recover so fast."
Naruto puffed up. "Aha, yes! That's true."
"So you could hold onto a jutsu way longer than Sasuke could."
"Uh huh."
"Say, nine months?"
"Yeah, probably -- what?"
Naruto looked particularly stupid when his mouth was open that wide. Sakura pushed away Inner Sakura's desire to chortle evilly in his face. After all, it wasn't such a bad idea, was it?
Sasuke blinked, crossed his arms over his chest -- then crossed them under his chest, and pretended that he had not forgotten the presence of his boobs -- and looked down his nose at them both.
"Eh. No. I don't want to risk my children being infected with his stupid."
Naruto seemed not to know if he wanted to be insanely relieved or mortally insulted.
Sakura blinked. "Uh. Um, I thought. That is, I assumed -- won't he infect them anyway?"
Sasuke gave her a long look, as if she'd suddenly started speaking in tongues. She blushed.
"I thought... He. Uhm. The daddy?"
Sasuke and Naruto exchanged a surprised look. Naruto looked mildly panicked.
"What, me a father? Sakura-chan, I know you mean well, but there is so much sheer wrongness in that, I don't even know where to start running in terror."
"Amazing. Even morons can have flashes of wisdom, apparently." Sasuke smirked, then shrugged. "I will be their father anyway -- in role at least. I don't need a second daddy."
"Oh, good. 'cause as much as I like kids, I'm so not ready to have one of my own."
Sakura blinked at them both. Well, maybe their relationship was just casual for now, but she would have assumed that Naruto would be a bit more jealous at the idea of someone else getting his lover pregnant -- even if Sasuke wasn't going to actually carry the child very long.
"I still don't want your stupid anyway."
Naruto gave him a dirty look. "Hey, you seemed to like my stupid well enough yesterday night."
Sasuke and Sakura bopped him over the head at the exact same time.
Blushing with embarrassment, Sakura looked at Sasuke. "So, who's going to be the father then?"
Sasuke shrugged. "I'll decide that later. It's going to be easier than finding a mother."
"Yeah, 'cause you gotta be a great woman to agree to nine months of bearing a kid that ain't yours, but you don't need more than owning a pair of balls in working order to want to fuck someone like Sasuke-chan. OW."
"For the last time. Don't. Call. Me. That."
"Yes, honeybuns -- woohoo! Missed!"
Okay, so maybe Sasuke didn't master his new body quite yet, but then Naruto seemed to feel a strange reluctance to hit him, so in the end they were pretty evenly matched.
She just didn't want them to be matched in her flowerbeds.
Sakura sighed, counted to ten, then kicked them both out, with orders to come back later when they were ready to be more reasonable. She needed space to think calmly, and she was not going to get it with them both around. Lee was coming back home anyway, and she didn't want these idiots here while she tried to explain things to her husband.
Who knew, maybe he'd help. She was the thinker of the two, but sometimes Lee's blinding simplicity was exactly what she needed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Naruto and Sasuke strolled down the street, nursing bruises that matched Sakura's fists exactly.
"So. Who are we asking first?" Naruto asked. "Since Sakura-chan won't."
Sasuke sighed and massaged his temples. The whole situation gave him a headache, and Naruto's presence didn't help.
"Who do we know?"
Naruto started counting on his fingers. "Hinata-chan, Tenten, Ino..."
Sasuke winced. Ino had been one of the most devoted members of his fanclub. He didn't want to encourage her if there was the littlest chance she'd want in his pants again. Though... he looked down at himself, still mildly disturbed to see twin bulges under the fabric. Maybe like that he was safe.
Naruto saw him cringe and nodded. "Yeah, Ino is SCARY, man. So, uh, Tenten?"
"Married."
Naruto frowned thoughtfully, looking down at his feet. "... I don't like the idea of asking Hinata for some reason..."
Sasuke frowned at his worried air, and shrugged. "She's a Hyuuga anyway."
"Uh, yeah. And? Oh, the eyes would interfere?"
"Technically, no -- she'd just carry it, she wouldn't give genes... But there would be other problems. Political problems."
Naruto grimaced. "Urgh. Politics. Never could understand jack shit 'bout them. But maybe Hinata would like an occasion to leave her clan."
"Which means I would need to marry her. They wouldn't let me, unless they consider it an honor and a way to keep the Uchiha in debt for the next hundred years... and unless I swear that we're never going to really reproduce -- neither the Hyuuga nor the Uchiha want to know what will happen if you mix the two lines again. I could take a mistress or several, but I couldn't divorce Hinata, because that would bring shame on her family."
Naruto grimaced again. "... She would never have a real family of her own, huh. Sorry, but no way am I letting Hinata spend her whole life chained to you like that. I mean, man, you know you're my best friend, but she doesn't deserve that."
Sasuke grumbled something but declined to protest out loud.
They walked in silence a little longer.
"Kurenai-sensei?"
Sasuke blinked. "Besides the fact that she's dating Asuma and hasn't had children of her own yet?"
"Uh, so?"
Sasuke frowned. "This means either she's barren or she doesn't want to leave active duty yet. Besides, she's from a bastard branch of the Uchiha. They have a weird gene defect that affects their chakra field, which in turn affects their vision. She would mess up the Sharingan."
"Uh, okay. You know better." Naruto was silent for a moment longer, before coming up with yet another name. "Hana?"
Sasuke blinked. "Who the hell is that?"
"Inuzuka Hana. Kiba's big sis. The vet with the braid."
Sasuke glared darkly. "Fuck no. I'm not getting furry transsexual influences into my clan."
He waited patiently as Naruto laughed his ass off, then kicked the idiot when he stopped feeling like being patient.
"I'm assuming asking Tsunade-baa-chan isn't even an option," the blond snickered.
Sasuke threw him a dirty glare. "Do you know how old she is under that jutsu?"
"Eww, no, and I don't wanna," Naruto replied, shuddering. "Besides, she's so freakily strong she'd probably break your bones in bed. Too bad, though, because she could probably feed an army of little Uchiha spawns."
Sasuke shuddered. "NARUTO. Stop giving me twisted mental pictures. Thank you."
"Sure, sure."
"... Shizune maybe?"
"Tsunade would kill you. She's possessive."
Sasuke grimaced. "Right."
"Temari?"
"...Gaara's sister?" Sasuke blinked. "She would fit, I guess, but what the hell makes you think she'd even accept?"
"What's that about Temari?" asked Ino as she popped out of a doorway as they walked past. Sasuke cursed himself for not noticing the blonde.
She was eyeing him with keen interest, eyes sparkling. He could see the gossip forming in her brain.
"Hello! Are you new in town?"
Sasuke arched an eyebrow, then realized that he was still in his girl shape. He repressed a horrified shudder at the realization that it was starting to feel almost normal.
Good thing he didn't get embarrassed easily. He considered her a few seconds... Yamanaka Ino, gossip queen. He figured he could do some damage control, and maybe even use her ability to his advantage to advertise his search for free. Sure, he didn't really want to have to sort out a hundred of hopeful village girls who'd probably go crazy when they knew he was on the market, but then he wasn't having any luck on his own.
"Ino. Come on." He didn't want to tell her in the middle of the street. He grabbed her arm and pulled her along in a narrow street. She yelped, but didn't have any time to protest.
"What the--"
"Ino, it's me, Sasuke."
She stared. And stared. Looked at Naruto, who nodded -- then started staring again. She reached out, pushing Sasuke's bangs away from his face -- he frowned but didn't twitch (much) -- and stared some more.
And then she started to circle him, looking him all over. He scowled some more, but stayed in place until she faced him again.
And then she grabbed his boob.
"Hey!"
She rubbed her smarting hand mechanically as she gaped at him.
"You're a girl."
Naruto couldn't keep his snickers quiet any longer. His laughter was very loud. And Sasuke couldn't hurt Ino if he planned on asking her something, so he kicked Naruto instead.
"OW. You're such a bitch, Sasu-chan."
"I told you not to fucking call me that, moron!"
Standing at his side, Ino was staring at them both with surprise. "God, it's really you. But-- but..." she added, and touched his breast again, managing to poke him right in the nipple. Sasuke shuddered and twisted away; she wasn't hurting him but it still felt way too weird.
"...For now, yes," he admitted, and pretended he wasn't embarrassed. "It's... complicated."
She stayed silent a few minutes, then smirked and put her hands on her hips. Sasuke stared at her warily.
"Fine. What do you want from me?"
"Eh? what makes you think we want anything?" Naruto replied, almost managing to look innocent.
"The fact that if he hadn't planned to ask me anything, Sasuke-kun would be running away from me and anyone who could identify him, not going around talking about it, perhaps?"
"... Oh, right. Damn, you're quick."
"You're too used to forehead-girl," Ino replied, tossing her pale hair back smugly.
Sasuke sighed, reluctant to actually ask. "You're right. You might... be of help." He didn't like asking for help, but Sakura and Naruto had spent the last years beating into him that it was normal to ask friends for help sometimes, as long as you were ready to help them too, and that no one would sneer if he asked for something. He supposed Ino qualified. Sort of.
He looked at Ino, crossing his arms over his chest defensively, and in a few terse sentences, summarized the whole mess.
"Hmm. And what was that about Temari? You're thinking about asking her and not me? I'm huurt, Saasuke-kun," she added with a flirtatious leer.
"Oh, we thought about you, but you're scary -- uhh."
Sasuke elbowed Naruto in the stomach.
"We were just listing women we know. So far no one seems to really fit."
"And why don't I fit?" she asked, hands on her hips and scowling.
"Because you were a scary Sasuke-stalker back in the day?"
This time, Sasuke didn't punch Naruto, because he could never have managed to find enough tact to say that.
To his relief, Ino seemed more amused than offended. "Ah, yes, I guess. And you want a mom who won't be a wife, right? Well, I would be perfect. I want a dad who won't be a husband. I'll bear you an Uchiha if you find someone to make me a Yamanaka. Dad's been badgering me, and I love my girlfriend, but she can't really... you see."
Naruto and Sasuke gaped.
"Your what?" Naruto yelled.
Ino glared, miffed, and crossed her arms. "You didn't KNOW? Where have you been living, under a rock? My girlfriend. My lover, who happens to be a girl."
Wait, wait -- Ino was a lesbian? Since when? "But -- I thought you liked me? And I'm -- well, usually..." Sasuke gestured at his own body, frowning to hide his embarrassment.
"Oh, yes," she replied with a dreamy sigh. "You were always so pretty."
Sasuke blinked. Naruto blinked.
Sasuke blinked. Naruto coughed.
Sasuke made a "uhh" sound. Naruto made a "oh god I can't breathe" sound.
Sasuke made another "uhh" sound, and flushed bright red as Naruto fell on the ground and started howling with laughter.
Ino smiled again, giving him a long, head-to-toes look that Sasuke couldn't call anything but lecherous. "Of course, you're much prettier now."
Sasuke promised himself never to roll his eyes again when Sakura complained about people talking to her breasts. He also promised himself to kill Naruto dead if the king of all idiots actually managed to get his breath back long enough to complete the sentence he was trying to get out between two bursts of laughter.
"So. Uh. I guess that means --"
"I have to ask my girl. But yes, there's a good chance. Dad's been bugging me for months now..."
Sasuke nodded dumbly and frowned, trying to regain control of the situation. "So. How..."
Ino grinned, waving off his concerns. "From what you explained, you don't need me for the conception, right? Just find yourself a guy, and once you're knocked up, we'll see about transferring it."
And with that, she leaned forward, pecked him on the cheek, and sauntered off. "Later, daddy!"
Sasuke stared at her until she disappeared down the street, then slowly turned to glance down at Naruto.
"That was surprisingly easy," the blond commented from the ground. Sasuke could only nod, still reeling.
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"... I... I can...?" Sakura stammered, staring at her husband with wide eyes.
"Of course you can," Lee repeated, nodding firmly.
She could see the fire of his determination burning in his eyes. Oh, god, help, she hadn't actually been seriously thinking he would okay her half-baked scheme. "What -- really?"
Lee caught her hand and pressed it to his chest. "My love, light of my life, never would I dream of mistrusting your love for me. Never would I dream of preventing you from virtuously assisting your comrades in their noble endeavor, for indeed the bond between teammates is the greatest of them all!"
"But. Won't you -- I mean -- be... jealous?"
"... second only to the bond of holy matrimony," Lee added with a sheepish grin.
Sakura giggled briefly, and then hugged her husband hard. "Don't worry. Never worry. I love them both very much, but I am not what either of them needs... and they aren't what I need either. And I love you."
He nodded gravely, returning the hug. "I understand, Sakura-san. They are your important people. Why, if Gai-sensei needed --"
Sakura slapped her hands on her husband's mouth. "Lee. Please think very carefully about this sentence."
Lee turned kind of greenish. "...Of course, Gai-sensei is an amazing person who wouldn't have any problem finding a loving wife if it was his wish to build a family."
Sakura nodded, smiling awkwardly. Yeurgh, bad mental picture. Very bad. "Of course. But he doesn't, because he already has the most perfect son he could wish for in you. Now you were saying something about eating out?" And then she dragged him toward the door despite his embarrassed and pleased stammering, hoping to leave the traumatizing image behind.
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"Get your hands off my breasts before I punch you."
Naruto leaned against Sasuke's back and rubbed the firm breasts he was cupping. "Aw, come on, you know you like it."
Sasuke growled, and stepped out of Naruto's hold. "What are you doing in my house anyway? I don't recall inviting you."
"I come here everyday!" Naruto protested.
Sasuke gave him an evil glare. "My point exactly."
They stood face to face, glaring at each other. Sasuke was still female, and was really starting to get tired of it. Smaller, slimmer, and damn it! He wanted to top sometimes. Naruto was getting way too comfortable with nailing him to every flat surface they came across.
"What am I, a permanent booty call?"
Naruto gave him a wounded look. "We're best friends, jackass, am I not allowed to want to spend time around you outside of missions?"
Sasuke crossed his arms defensively and turned away, resolutely not pouting. "... I didn't say that. But your time around me seems to end up being time inside me damn often these days."
Naruto snorted and crossed his arms behind his head, eyerolling at his friend. "Geeze, sorry. You want me to get you a strap-on?"
Sasuke bared his teeth. "That might be a good idea."
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