MARKETING TIE-INS FROM HELL
Ever get really bitter and jaded and sarcastic and think up absolutely pointless things, partly to cheer yourself up, totally apropo of nothing except for your week which has just gotten worse and worse until you want to drown puppies?
Uh ... me either. *adjusts halo*
Marketing Tie-Ins From Hell
HEALTH & BEAUTY
Fantasy Spikes Hair Gel!
From SquareEnix comes the only hair gel powerful enough to extend your hair into prominent gravity-defying spikes. Apply thoroughly to wet hair and sculpt accordingly.
WARNING! Completed hair spikes are sharp. Do not engage in contact sports or sexual activity while hair is spiked. Remove thoroughly from hair before lying on a waterbed. Manufacturer not responsible for property damage, bodily injury, or hair loss.
SNACKY TIME
Hunger Strike Team!
If you love the Aqua Teens so much, why don't you eat them? Well, now you can! Order our special Value-Tastic Meal and you'll receive one milkshake (pistachio flavor), one large fry, and one meat ... wad. Remember, the bun is in your mind.
Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. Refrigerate immediately upon receival.
TOYS
Lightning Bolt Branding Kit!
Every Potterite wants a lightning-shaped scar emblazoned on their forehead. But marker fades, and temporary tattoos just don't have the right look!
That's why Warner Brothers is proud to present: The Lightning Bolt Branding Kit! Within you'll find one cattle brand, 4 leather restraints, charcoal, lighter fluid, and easy-to-follow instructions. Won't the rest of your friends be Crucio'd with envy!?!
Hey kids! Brands require fires, and fires are hot, hot, hot! Remember to let Mommy and Daddy start the fire for you - safety first!
52 Blow-Up!
We can't help it - we're huge fans of Gambit. That Cajun smile - those red-on-black eyes - that sneak thief is such a charmer! Swoon! But let's face it - at the end of the day, Gambit is all about the cards.
Which is why we're particularly tickled to present you to: 52 Blow-Up! A deck full of cards which will explode upon impact. Adds new levels of excitement to boring poker games. Whip them out and watch them go!
WARNING: Do not carry cards in pocket. Do not keep cards in moving vehicle. Do not toss more than three cards together. Manufacturer is not liable for any explosions, implosions, injuries, loss of limbs, deaths, or motor-vehicle accidents.
My Li'l Intubator
Mommy and Daddy just love that show with the grumpy doctor. Now you can play along, too, with My Li'l Intubator!
My Li'L Intubator comes with a curvy metal bit, for sticking into people's mouths and throats, and then a tube, to put into the curvy metal bit, so people can breathe right! It's like surgery but without all the messy blood!
WARNING: Do not use this product. Do not buy this product. Do not think about this product. In fact, burn this ad.
VEHICLES
AT-AT DELUXE SE
Tired of cars just getting smaller and smaller? Are SUVs far too fuel-efficient for your liking? Do you find yourself looking at Hummers and thinking, "Well, it's a little small ..."?
Have we got a treat for you. Introducing the Star Wars All-Terrain Armored Transport (AT-AT) Walker - the deluxe edition!
Why cruise down busy streets when you can stomp over them in a snap? The ATAT SE puts you above all the troubles of rush hour - literally!
Simply navigate this 30-ton little beauty to the bank, to work, to your kid's school - you'll never be the "little guy" on the road again!
(Standard model comes with A/C, CD changer, fuel truck, and retractable ladder. Options package includes spoiler, racing stripes, and TIE fighter.)
PERSONAL INTIMACY
The Keyblade Vibrator!
Dual speed. Replaceable keychains for clitoral stimulation. Battery-operated. Can open portal to the darkness in people's hearts.
"I can't believe I just came four times!" ... "That's the power of the keyblade!"
BrideGlide!
His name is Buck, and he likes to fuck! Who could forget that chilling scene in which The Bride awakens to discover she's been used for sexual gratification while unconscious? Brrrrr!
Thankfully, even Buck knew about the importance of personal lubricant! So for all those times that your Pussy Wagon needs a little Axle Grease, make sure you reach for: BrideGlide! Guaranteed to smooth your way during those special moments.
BrideGlide! is also available in spermicidal, just in case your date hasn't been rendered sterile by a comatose C-section!
BrideGlide - It's rapetastic!
Yes, I'm going to hell. Just be happy I didn't include Law & Order: SVU's "My First Rape Kit."
Uh ... me either. *adjusts halo*
Marketing Tie-Ins From Hell
HEALTH & BEAUTY
Fantasy Spikes Hair Gel!
From SquareEnix comes the only hair gel powerful enough to extend your hair into prominent gravity-defying spikes. Apply thoroughly to wet hair and sculpt accordingly.
WARNING! Completed hair spikes are sharp. Do not engage in contact sports or sexual activity while hair is spiked. Remove thoroughly from hair before lying on a waterbed. Manufacturer not responsible for property damage, bodily injury, or hair loss.
SNACKY TIME
Hunger Strike Team!
If you love the Aqua Teens so much, why don't you eat them? Well, now you can! Order our special Value-Tastic Meal and you'll receive one milkshake (pistachio flavor), one large fry, and one meat ... wad. Remember, the bun is in your mind.
Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. Refrigerate immediately upon receival.
TOYS
Lightning Bolt Branding Kit!
Every Potterite wants a lightning-shaped scar emblazoned on their forehead. But marker fades, and temporary tattoos just don't have the right look!
That's why Warner Brothers is proud to present: The Lightning Bolt Branding Kit! Within you'll find one cattle brand, 4 leather restraints, charcoal, lighter fluid, and easy-to-follow instructions. Won't the rest of your friends be Crucio'd with envy!?!
Hey kids! Brands require fires, and fires are hot, hot, hot! Remember to let Mommy and Daddy start the fire for you - safety first!
52 Blow-Up!
We can't help it - we're huge fans of Gambit. That Cajun smile - those red-on-black eyes - that sneak thief is such a charmer! Swoon! But let's face it - at the end of the day, Gambit is all about the cards.
Which is why we're particularly tickled to present you to: 52 Blow-Up! A deck full of cards which will explode upon impact. Adds new levels of excitement to boring poker games. Whip them out and watch them go!
WARNING: Do not carry cards in pocket. Do not keep cards in moving vehicle. Do not toss more than three cards together. Manufacturer is not liable for any explosions, implosions, injuries, loss of limbs, deaths, or motor-vehicle accidents.
My Li'l Intubator
Mommy and Daddy just love that show with the grumpy doctor. Now you can play along, too, with My Li'l Intubator!
My Li'L Intubator comes with a curvy metal bit, for sticking into people's mouths and throats, and then a tube, to put into the curvy metal bit, so people can breathe right! It's like surgery but without all the messy blood!
WARNING: Do not use this product. Do not buy this product. Do not think about this product. In fact, burn this ad.
VEHICLES
AT-AT DELUXE SE
Tired of cars just getting smaller and smaller? Are SUVs far too fuel-efficient for your liking? Do you find yourself looking at Hummers and thinking, "Well, it's a little small ..."?
Have we got a treat for you. Introducing the Star Wars All-Terrain Armored Transport (AT-AT) Walker - the deluxe edition!
Why cruise down busy streets when you can stomp over them in a snap? The ATAT SE puts you above all the troubles of rush hour - literally!
Simply navigate this 30-ton little beauty to the bank, to work, to your kid's school - you'll never be the "little guy" on the road again!
(Standard model comes with A/C, CD changer, fuel truck, and retractable ladder. Options package includes spoiler, racing stripes, and TIE fighter.)
PERSONAL INTIMACY
The Keyblade Vibrator!
Dual speed. Replaceable keychains for clitoral stimulation. Battery-operated. Can open portal to the darkness in people's hearts.
"I can't believe I just came four times!" ... "That's the power of the keyblade!"
BrideGlide!
His name is Buck, and he likes to fuck! Who could forget that chilling scene in which The Bride awakens to discover she's been used for sexual gratification while unconscious? Brrrrr!
Thankfully, even Buck knew about the importance of personal lubricant! So for all those times that your Pussy Wagon needs a little Axle Grease, make sure you reach for: BrideGlide! Guaranteed to smooth your way during those special moments.
BrideGlide! is also available in spermicidal, just in case your date hasn't been rendered sterile by a comatose C-section!
BrideGlide - It's rapetastic!
Yes, I'm going to hell. Just be happy I didn't include Law & Order: SVU's "My First Rape Kit."