#49.5 Depth Over Distance
The appearance of Lu Han and Huang Zitao in Yixing's life was a shock he hadn't yet been prepared for, it had been only Yixing in Yifan's apartment when the two men walked in and saw him laid out across the rug in the living room with Rourou snuggled into his side. Yixing had stayed the night, it was the sixth time he'd done so and he had grown comfortable enough to stay floating around in his pyjamas whenever Yifan ran morning errands.
In the immediate confusion of who each other were, Yixing yelped in fright while scrambling to his feet and the two intruders furrowed their brows deep enough for shadowed lines to form across their skin.
"Who are you? What are you doing here?" The shorter one, Lu Han as he later found out, had interrogated with a solid grimace. "Where's Yifan?"
Yixing's mouth had opened and shut itself dumbly. He didn't know what to label himself, he didn't know how to speak with the two men approaching him from the hallway and he didn't know what he could do to save himself in the situation. Yixing's brain yelled out silently for Yifan. The older male could save him from the awkward situation unfolding in front of him.
"Hey, are you okay?" The taller one asked, his eyes scrolled over Yixing's rigidness with the understanding of the uncertainty and dismay. Yixing guessed that he felt the same.
He nodded, the man relaxed his shoulders and the shorter one moved further into the apartment. Yixing didn't know how the men knew Yifan or how well they knew him, he only guessed that they were close because Rourou had gone to greet the taller one with a bark that Yixing knew was his version of a familiar hello. They all sat down on the sofas awkwardly, the two new men examined Yixing as his eyes concentrated on where his hands had fallen on his thighs.
Yixing was stock still in his place when Yifan walked in through the front door with bags of food in his hands, he blinked as he took in the two men sat with Yixing and dashed to place everything in the kitchen, the perishables went into the fridge prior to him sitting down as closely to Yixing as he could.
"Ge," the taller stranger began, "who is this?"
"You've not introduced yourself?" Yifan was close enough that his breath passed over Yixing's cheek. He shook his head. "This is Yixing."
"Are you two dating?" the other guest questioned.
"It's complicated," Yifan supplied yet one of his hands found Yixing's to hold it gently on the younger's lap. The two arrivals watched the action with interest but Yixing couldn't gauge their reactions in his lasting state of panic.
"What do you mean?" The tall one pried. "Is he your boyfriend?"
Yixing squeezed Yifan's hand, the gesture both comforting and fearful, Yifan turned his head to look at Yixing's face and he flushed under the attention of everybody in the room.
"Not exactly," Yifan struggled to say without gulping. "Just know that I trust him enough to leave him alone in my apartment with my dog."
"You've never let us do that," the shorter's eyes didn't leave Yixing as he directed his statement to Yifan, the editor wanted to shy away from the scrutiny and hide behind Yifan's shoulder.
"But you have got a key, so you could do that," the words flowed smoothly from Yifan's mouth and Yixing watched his lips move around each syllable. "Yixing stayed the night and he's also staying for breakfast."
"Is this some sort of no strings attached deal?"
Yixing half wanted to laugh and every other part of him wanted to cry at the comment, the strings that were attached to Yifan and Yixing were what he tried his hardest to forget about every day. Yifan, it seemed, carried the same sentiment when he sighed and ran his hand down his face.
The editor understood why Yifan replied with a yes to his friend, it was the easier way of explaining their situation without using the buzzwords that would give Yixing away. His response relaxed the two men enough for them to introduce themselves as Lu Han and Huang Zitao, they regarded Yixing politely and he could see the stiffness in Yifan's posture lessen greatly.
Yixing cooked the four of them breakfast because that had been what Lu Han and Tao had turned up for, according to them but Yifan rolled his eyes and muttered something about them only staying because Yixing was staying. He felt eyes on his back whilst he moved around the kitchen knowingly of where everything was kept and he heard Yifan engage his friends in conversation to distract them.
Except Yixing was sure they could see right through him. He wasn't sure if it was his paranoia or anxiety thinking for him but the way they watched him appeared knowing. Yixing didn't know them, though, he couldn't be sure.
The morning, as awkward and aware of the situation as it made Yixing, was pleasant enough when the two strangers' faces lit up tasting what Yixing had cooked, their blatant but positive surprise made Yixing relax in his chair when he placed himself beside Yifan and the art buyer's hand firmly pinched his thigh right above his knee.
Lu Han and Tao left hours later after having relaxed a little more around Yixing enough to know that he and Yifan were fully comfortable with one another. They exited the apartment with well-wishing for whatever was going on between the remaining pair and Yixing's smile faltered on his face, he heard Yifan's laugh force its way out of his throat.
They stared at each other for a long while in the corridor once the door was shut again, Yixing wasn't sure if they were waiting for something but he didn't want to be the first to move away from the eye contact. He saw the clouded appearance of Yifan's eyes clear up the longer they watched each other and Yixing's hand moved to bring the taller closer with the front of his shirt. Yifan let the movement take him and their lips met halfway.
The kiss lasted a few moments being a closed and cautious one, Yixing could taste the coffee on Yifan's lips and he knew the elder must have got the same from him. Yifan whispered for Yixing to get back into bed while he turned away to rummage in the drawers by the shoe rack and Yixing tilted his head questioningly when he heard tinkering. He did as was requested and slipped under the duvet to have the lazy day he'd been promised when they'd first woken.
He couldn't see what Yifan was doing or what he was doing in the drawer, so Yixing was surprised to feel his hand be plucked open and for something jagged to be pressed into it upon Yifan's return to his side. He looked down and stare questioningly at the key he'd been handed. Their legs were twisted together, their bodies were pressed as closely as they could be and Yixing's heart hammered against his ribs.
"They've got their keys," Yifan whispered against Yixing's ear, "and I think you should have one, too."
Yixing ignored the part of himself that told him accepting the small metal item wasn't a good idea but the fireworks that exploded in his stomach drowned it out with their excitedly happy explosions of feeling. His fingers were looping the key onto his chain instantly before he pitched up to kiss Yifan's mouth to slip down his neck and dwell at his chest with his lips through his shirt.
"Let yourself in whenever you want," Yifan whispered and Yixing wasn't sure if he was just talking about the apartment.
◎◉◎
The publishing date of the book Yixing had been editing advanced upon him quickly and Yixing felt a jolt of apprehension rocket through him when he began to doubt his working ability. With his mind so preoccupied with his own life, interacting with his author had slipped to the backburner but she held no animosity when they met face-to-face a few weeks before the launch party. She was a middle-aged but incredibly beautiful woman who smiled with the whole of her face when she saw her young editor. While Yixing had been concerned that his work had not been good enough, she showered him with praise and claimed that her story wouldn't be what it had grown into without Yixing's nurturing hand.
That alone was worth the work he had put into it and she had happily told him that she would want him to be her editor on all her future publications if there were any. That stability was what Yixing needed as his life spiralled somewhat out of control.
He split his time between his own and Yifan's apartment less evenly knowing that there would be somebody waiting for him more often in one than the other. He didn't like it but he found drifting from Baekhyun easier as they spent less and less time together, his head ached more than his heart when he bid goodbye to his boyfriend to go and meet with Yifan. Conversely, the opposite happened when Yifan kissed him farewell at the threshold of his apartment. His heart lurched and shot pain around his body when he walked away from the elder. He didn't know how to interpret it but he knew it wasn't right.
◎◉◎
Yixing woke slowly, the curtains hadn't been shut and the light flooded into the room with a glow on Yifan's skin that he could see as his eyes blinked sleep away slowly. Yixing felt the warmth of the sun on the back of his head, summer was well and truly upon him and he didn't mind how aberrantly hot he felt with Yifan's arms around his waist. However, he didn't mind so much when he could watch the sleeping male with a soft smile on his lips without the fear of being caught.
His heart melted easily whenever he looked up at the other. The darker patches around Yifan's mouth that he'd shave away were visible, his eyelids were a slightly deeper shade than the rest of his face and his skin looked a little shiny with the grease that built up during slumber. Yixing didn't mind those, he loved them in fact, and then lightly traced his fingertips over those areas of the other's face.
Yifan didn't wake at the touches, his deep sleeping tendencies stopped that from happening and Yixing couldn't imagine having to live without having sight of Yifan during his days, especially in the mornings. He felt ill-aligned whenever Yifan had to go out of town, though he had begun to invite Yixing to go with him as the editor had time off after the book was published and hit the shelves. As much as Yixing wanted to agree, he couldn't bring himself to.
And yet, when he looked at Yifan that morning something snapped into place in his head. It was what had him sliding out of Yifan's arms and the bed. He crept over to the bundle of clothes he had in the corner of the room and pulled them over his limbs, once he was fully dressed he nipped into the bathroom to brush his teeth and exited the apartment with his keys pushed into his back pocket.
His foot tapped anxiously on the subway floor, which he was sure the other commuters probably hated him for but he took no notice of the world around him as the train shook with movement.
The day was starting out warm, the humidity was high and it would have made the journey unbearable if that had been what Yixing was thinking about as he climbed up and out onto the street. The rest of the walk was instinctive amongst the familiar buildings framing the roadway and paths.
Yixing stepped up into his apartment structure, the stairs creaked beneath his feet and the walls smelled completely different to the clean, clear and fresh scent that Yifan's building had. Nerves fizzled and popped all over his body when he reached the floor that he had grown so familiar with but he felt somewhat estranged from in the months that had gone by. It didn't flood him with the warmness that it had done before nor did it make him deflate in relief to be where he lived again; nothing felt homely.
His fingers delved into his back pocket tentatively and gripped at the warm metal, his hands shook as he took the key out and moved it forward to the door. Yixing heard the gentle clinking as his key tapped on another, that one was silver and crisply cut. He smiled gently as he regarded it, there was a warmth to the cold appearing metal that made him think of the man he'd left sleeping in the bed that morning.
He retained thought of how he flushed watching Yifan and realised he was in love, the voice of clarity in his head that told him what to do and he pushed the key into the lock to twist it to the side. He heard the grinding of metal slipping until the final click echoed through the hallway and he steeled himself to push the door open. From the entryway, he could see everything was exactly where he'd left it but there were more items added around; an abandoned pair of shoes, keys sprawled out on the desk and a coat dangled from one of the three hooks on the wall. Baekhyun was there and had probably spent the night, given how early in the day it was.
Yixing held the jamb as he slid off his own shoes. His slippers were left at Yifan's, so only the thuds of his socked feet on the floor could be heard as he made his way to the kitchen. He slid into one of the chairs and sat there.
Everything was quiet. Everything was still. Everything within Yixing was noiseless. His thoughts didn't race or rage like he thought they would. Minutes skated by effortlessly. He knew he shouldn't have felt so calm, there should have been an element of shame or guilt within him as he thought of what he'd decided to do. Yixing, by and large, was fully aware that he didn't deserve to have peace infused into his blood.
It wasn't difficult for Yixing to admit that he was an adulterer, he hadn't remained faithful to his relationship and nothing he'd done merited being able to find that uncontrollable but compatible kind of love that he'd managed to seek in Yifan.
Baekhyun's slippers shuffling into the frame Yixing's eyes had focused upon on the floor had him blinking from his comfortable stare and he took in how the younger looked with his hair mussed by a pillow. The Korean had forever seemed fluffier and softer in the mornings, that had softened Yixing to him in the beginning because Baekhyun never seemed to mind the small cowlicks in his hair nor the print of crinkled pillow cases on his face. Yixing could remember the nerves he'd had when he'd first woken up beside Baekhyun; if his morning breath would scare the younger off, if Baekhyun would find Yixing unappealing with his unkempt appearance or if the Korean wouldn't like his morning voice. There had been so much anxiety surrounding something so small and Yixing hadn't ever felt like that when he was with Yifan.
All he'd felt was the softening of his chest and the arms around his waist, there had been nothing other than Yifan in his head. No fear. No anxiety. No reluctance.
"Morning," Baekhyun mumbled while he ran his hand through his hair. "Where were you last night? Did you get in late and sleep on the couch again?"
Yixing didn't reply, the younger hadn't asked them in expectation of a reply as he rooted around in the refrigerator in search of something to eat. The editor didn't move a muscle from where he was, his eyes barely moved from Baekhyun's back as he plucked bowls and tea cups from the cupboards up above his head and Yixing nibbled on his lip as he waited for the perfect moment. He knew one had to appear soon.
Baekhyun hummed, the tone of it bright and cheerful. The sound no longer brightened the room for Yixing, the other's voice hadn't made goosebumps rise on his skin for such a long time that he could scarcely remember when it had last happened.
It was only when the food was placed on the table, one bowl for Yixing and another for Baekhyun, along with cups of steaming hot tea that Yixing eventually released his lip from betwixt his teeth and levelled a look on Baekhyun as solidly as he could muster.
"Baek," Yixing's voice sounded neutral and he settled at that flow from his mouth, "I have something to tell you." The Korean didn't look up from his food but nodded, the communication between them minimal and almost foreign as Yixing couldn't even get Baekhyun's full attention when he was the only person in front of him. "I've," Yixing paused for breath, "I've found somebody else."
The younger froze in his place for a collection of seconds, Yixing didn't feel time pass like it had done before Baekhyun had entered the room and he held his breath when Baekhyun placed his chopsticks down on the table next to his porcelain bowl.
"Oh," the word blew out of Baekhyun's lips.
"I've been unfaithful, not just emotionally," Yixing closed his eyes for a beat, "but physically, too."
Baekhyun's hands balled up on the table where they had landed, his nails dragged along the placemat until they were curled up under his palms on the wood of the surface.
"You cheated on me." It wasn't a question, it wasn't even an accusatory statement but a moment of realisation. Yixing nodded anyway.
"I want to be with him," Yixing confessed and he witnessed the moment Baekhyun's chest caved in on itself.
He watched as Baekhyun's body reduced in size to protect itself and Yixing's eyes flooded with tears, it was horrible. He hadn't expected it to be a pleasant action, he'd done the most unforgivable thing imaginable to somebody he was supposed to love and he deserved the sharp pain in his chest when he saw water drop down onto the back of Baekhyun's small hand.
"Is that where you were?"
"Last night? Yes," Yixing responded honestly and Baekhyun shook his head.
"No, our anniversary. Is that where you went?" The Korean words accented themselves in the promise of pain and Yixing wished he could say no to the question but the visions of Yifan hovering above him, Yifan kissing him and Yifan's hands in his as they thrust against each other wasn't something he could possibly deny to himself. Or Baekhyun.
Yixing's voice caught in his throat, "Yes."
"I came home after work late because the subways were running so late, I thought you'd be here and you weren't," Baekhyun laughed bitterly. "I felt so guilty, I couldn't sleep because of it and you," the Korean's voice wobbled, "you were with another man all along?"
"I was," Yixing chokingly conceded with shame crawling up the back of his neck to wrap around his throat.
"How long?" Baekhyun wiped his tears with the sleeves of his night shirt. "How long has this been happening?"
"A few months."
The younger scoffed, "How many months?"
"I met him ten months ago but things changed around seven months ago."
Baekhyun’s crying paused the conversation, the sadness within the Korean dissipated and it was simple to see that it was replaced with anger. Yixing, himself, let his own tears scrawl down his cheeks as he faced the reality of the choices he’d made. He struggled but knew it was pointless, the blame was on him.
"Why wasn't I enough for you? I know I wasn't here a lot but why couldn't I be enough for you? I love you so much, I think about you almost all the time and you've been thinking about somebody else while you've been with me for ten months? What did I do to make you do this? I stayed in China for you. I left my family behind because you didn't want to leave your life here behind and you go fuck some other man because I didn't pay you enough attention? I didn't think you were that kind of man, Yixing."
"I'm not," Yixing half defended. "I fell in love and I didn't realise until it was too late and I was in too deep with him to turn back."
"You should have broken up with me way back then," Baekhyun screamed at him from where he was sat and Yixing recoiled as if he had been struck by the words. "As soon as you felt the need to let another man in, you should have ended it with me. Yeah, that would have hurt and it would have been horrible but this, all of this, is so much worse. I'm not the man who was broken up with because his boyfriend had fallen out of love with him, no, I'm the man who was fucked over by the man he loved because he couldn't grow some fucking balls and own up to his mistake."
"I'm owning up to this now," Yixing cried out. "I've hated myself for months and I know I deserve it but I couldn't choose when I loved you both at the same time."
"And what's so different about now, huh?" Baekhyun's eyes slit themselves accusingly. "Why did this sudden fit of conscience happen?"
"I'm hurting him," Yixing whispered as his hands fell onto his lap, his eyes followed them down from Baekhyun and met the spaces between his fingers where Yifan's had been when he'd woken up that morning. "I don't want to hurt him."
"Because he's so perfect, right? The man that goes after somebody in a relationship?"
"It's not his fault," Yixing defended with tears in his eyes. "It's not like that. He's not like that."
"But that's what he did, Yixing. He didn't care that you were with somebody else, he didn't care that he was fucking up a relationship and he didn't care that you were in love with somebody else."
"Don't talk about him like that," Yixing bit out with his fists clenched. "You don't know anything about him or what he's like."
"I don't care what he's like. He didn't care about me, why should I care about him?" Baekhyun leant over the table with his eyes sharpened with a harshness Yixing had never seen before.
"This is my fault, this is all me and I should have stopped things from happening," the Chinese male stated plainly. "I told him it was okay to pursue me, he never would have unless I wasn't receptive to it. Just blame me. You can't help who you fall in love with."
"No, you can't," Baekhyun stood up from the chair he was on with the feet of it grinding on the floor. "I fell in love with a liar.” Baekhyun screamed with his mouth shut, YixinG flinched and the Korean took a deep breath in. “I'm going out, I want your stuff gone before I'm back since you have somewhere you can run off to."
Yixing nodded, blinking away fresher tears. He didn't expect anything more from breaking up with Baekhyun and he didn't watch as the Korean left the room, subsequently the apartment. He stared at the food set out in front of them and saw how the tea had stopped evaporating.
He sat redundantly for a while before he took the apartment key from his small collection and moved to the bedroom to pull all of his clothes into his bag as fast as he could. It only took twenty minutes to have everything he needed in two duffel bags given how much of his stuff had been left at Yifan's apartment over the months and Yixing knew he should have done something similar earlier. He knew Baekhyun was right. He should have followed his heart when he'd first started to stray.
Yixing yanked his stuff down to the street and pulled it along with him until he was at the subway station with everything he owned of any value.
Getting to Yifan's apartment was all he'd wanted for the whole journey, he could force a smile at the doorman and use the elevator to take himself and his items up to the floor Yifan lived on then let himself into the apartment with the key he had in his pocket. He dumped his bags at the entrance, he didn't want to assume he could stay with Yifan and stripped right down to his underwear there and then. He dropped those clothes in the laundry as he passed it before he made his way to Yifan's bedroom. The older male was asleep under the duvet and Yixing's legs took him right to his side instantly, he climbed onto the mattress and nestled under the covers to cuddle into Yifan's side.
"Where did you go?" The hot, sleep bittered breath slipped over his skin as Yifan's arms drew him in closer.
"The other apartment," Yixing hummed as he looked up at the other man, who still had his eyes closed.
"You ran out of clothes? You could have borrowed some of my stuff," Yifan mumbled whilst his nose found its way to press against Yixing's jaw.
"No," Yixing shook his head. "I went there to end things with Baekhyun."
Yifan's eyes fluttered open and he looked at Yixing with a sign of warning in his eyes, "That's not funny, Yixing."
"I'm being serious," Yixing hooked one of his legs around Yifan's hip and turned them over until he was on top of Yifan's hips. "I ended things with him."
"Are you okay?" Yifan was instantly awake and holding Yixing's jawbone in both his hands to keep their eyes met. "Yixing, why didn't you tell me?"
The smaller placed his hands on top of Yifan's heart, "and I couldn't be that man anymore. I never wanted this to happen but I didn't want to admit that I was drifting from Baekhyun and that I was falling hard and fast for you."
"You were falling for me?" Yifan's head tilted to the side and Yixing's felt his heartbeat pick up under his hands.
"I still am," he nodded.
Yifan smiled loosely up at him and Yixing knew he couldn't help but lean over until it was covered in his lips and Yifan's nose brushed against his own.
"I shouldn't have done this to either of you," Yixing whispered as Yifan's eyes closed again, "and I should have chosen you long ago."
"Why didn't you?" Yifan wondered aloud and Yixing frowned because he finally knew.
"I was too scared to admit that this is the person I really am. I hold too tightly to the past and love my future too much to let it slip by me."
"I'm your future," Yifan's lips wobbled against Yixing's and the editor fell apart around the word 'yes' as they joined their lips together.
When Yifan pulled back, his eyes didn’t leave Yixing and suddenly the rush of happiness that went hand-in-hand with belonging only to Yifan crumbled away. His eyes watered, his lips pulled into a tight frown and he deflated fully on top of the taller male. His crying felt endless as he replayed the pain of hurting Baekhyun, all of his raw emotions surfaced and he cried out numbly for the hurt he'd caused people he was supposed to care about. It wasn't pity, it was the realisation of pain and manipulation. It chewed him up inside but he knew it was nothing compared to what Baekhyun must have been feeling.
◎◉◎
Yixing didn't quite know what to fear as he made his way to Minseok and Jongdae's café the week after. When he met the furious gazes of his friends he knew that Baekhyun had gone to see them and that they were in full knowledge of what Yixing had done. He sat at one of the empty tables until the coffee shop emptied and the two Koreans shut up the front doors, they only approached him when they were fully alone and Yixing's hands timidly twiddled together.
"I want to hit you," Jongdae growled out when Yixing's eyes didn't meet his whilst he plonked himself in the chair.
"But, because we are fair friends, we are going to let you explain yourself first," Minseok spoke softly but his eyes were as hard as Jongdae's.
"What do you know?" Yixing's gaze remained downcast as his friends sighed out.
"We know that you had another man on the go when you were supposed to be faithful to Baekhyun," Jongdae's mouth must have curled around the sentence from the way he had said it and Yixing nodded gently.
"He didn't say anything more than that about it, he broke down before he could say anything else. Why did you do it?"
"Initially," Yixing looked at them after a few minutes of mulling over the question fully, "I was hurt because I hated how little I seemed to mean to Baekhyun but I didn't do this to hurt him. None of this was intentional but I couldn't stop it once it had started. I was supposed to be in love with Baekhyun, I was supposed to feel the world for him and I should have wanted to say no when I actually said yes. And then I met him, Yifan, and everything was different."
"Yifan?" Jongdae's head tilted to the side. "That's the guy's name?"
"He was constantly there for me from the minute we met and he came into my life like a whirlwind. We were only supposed to be friends at first but then something clicked between us and I found myself keeping him a secret. I lied about when I was with him because I didn't want people to take my time with him away from me. It sounds so stupid when I say it aloud now but I had felt so neglected for so long that I wanted to grant myself a little selfishness with somebody I seemed to fit."
"At least you got the selfish part right," Jongdae muttered bitterly. "Though, I'm sure it was far more than a little of it."
"It wasn't supposed to turn into this…then he kissed me one night," Yixing could remember it clearly in his mind. "I thought about it for so long, I felt so much from this one little peck and it was so much more than I had felt from Baekhyun in such a long time. I left him then, Yifan, that is. As much as the guilt consumed me, the need to be close to Yifan won me over."
"Why didn't you leave Baekhyun then?" Minseok's question was serious and Yixing could see how Jongdae bristled when he heard it. "If you felt do much for this Yifan man, why didn't you end things there and then?"
"I thought the feeling would burn out, I thought it was those jitters you get when you're with somebody new but when I kiss him now, I still feel them. I thought it was this phase I had to shake off and get out of my system then go back to being happy with whatever Baekhyun gave me. And when they didn't fade, I was so tangled in everything─the lies, the guilt and the feelings─that I couldn't leave either of them."
Jongdae sat back in his chair as he ran his hands through his hair and Yixing observed how Minseok's hand rubbed soothingly on the youngest's thigh.
"I messed everything up but it was a mistake. I thought I was in love with two people," Yixing looked down at a faded ring mark from a cup that had been left there for too long with a wet base. "I didn't mean to hurt anybody and I had this moment of clarity the other morning. I was with Yifan, we'd spent the night talking and playing around until we fell asleep and I woke up with this profound sense of belonging and feeling at home. I couldn't have chosen Baekhyun when I had never experienced that with him."
"You've caused so much pain, Zhang Yixing," Jongdae stared right through him. "I sympathised with you for so long, I was in pain knowing that Baekhyun didn't treat you perfectly but he was always faithful to you."
"I know, I never even considered otherwise," Yixing closed his eyes before placing his head in his hands, "and I know what I did was wrong but I couldn't say how desperate I had become by the time Yifan was fully in my life."
"I think I can see where you're coming from," Minseok announced after a few minutes of eeriness among the three of them. Jongdae's affronted expression was equalled by Yixing's shock as he lifted his head up. "You were hurt and lonely, even we could see that, and people do things that are completely out of character when they're like that. That doesn't mean that I agree with how you've gone about things. I think you should have broken up with Baekhyun for the reasons why you wanted somebody else, you should have sat him down long before any of this happened and told him the truth about how he makes you feel but you didn't, you wanted to see this whole thing through. But then you met this Yifan man, he filled all those little gaps and cared about you."
Jongdae didn't appear pleased with the words Minseok was speaking but Yixing listened in intently as his friend put everything into words. "He made you feel like everything was okay again and you started enjoying the time you spent with Baekhyun but you had something to fill the time when you weren't with him or working. You were in over your head before you knew it and I can't say that I blame you for it because I really should."
"Hyung," Jongdae yelped out in outrage.
"What? You said it yourself, Baekhyun didn't treat him right for so long and Yixing took it because he thought he was in love. We talked about it on our own, we said that Yixing needed to find somebody that would love and appreciate him and yes, the execution of the whole situation is hurtful and horrible, but Yixing would never have left Baekhyun if he hadn't found this other man."
"That doesn't excuse infidelity, hyung," Jongdae retorted straight off the bat.
"I didn't say that it does," Minseok clarified easily. "It isn’t hard to place blame in this situation but they were both as bad as each other in that relationship. Baekhyun thought he could run around living his life with his friends rather than meet up with Yixing for an hour at lunch on a Wednesday. Let alone spend enough time with Yixing in general. We both know that Yixing would never have strayed had he not felt some kind of emotional push either from Baekhyun or this other man. He would never have cut himself out of something that made him miserable had he not come across Yifan."
"This is all so fucked up," Jongdae pulled away from the table and whipped the apron he had hung around his lips onto the counter as he made his way out to the back kitchen.
"I'm sorry."
"I won't forgive you right now, neither will he," Minseok patted Yixing's hand from across the table. "Even if we can't forgive you for this, we want you to be happy. That's all either of us have ever wanted. I really do not agree with how you went about it but I've never been in this situation before. I don't think you're a bad person, I think you're a good person who did a really shitty thing."
"Do you know if Baekhyun's okay?"
"He flew back to Korea early this morning, he came by here yesterday to tell us that he was leaving and why he was leaving," Minseok rubbed his eyes, his fingers shook as he did so. "I would never have imagined you'd do something like this to him, to anybody, but are you sure this guy is worth all of this?"
"Yifan didn't deserve to be dragged into this," Yixing laughed bitterly, "but yeah, I don't think I could be without him now I've found him."
"You do realise you're going to have problems, especially with trust, because of how you got together? One of you will constantly be paranoid that the other would do something like this again."
Yixing bit his lip and nodded, "I wouldn't ever, not to him."
"You would have said the same about Baekhyun this time last year."
"I know but this feels different, this feels like it."
Minseok regarded him for a long while, Yixing shifted under the scrutiny and then the Korean pulled away from the table. "Give Jongdae, and me, some time and let us process all of this because we need this time apart too. You didn't only lie to Baekhyun."
Yixing stood up from his chair, "Thank you for hearing me out, ge."
"We heard his side of everything and there's always two sides to everything. Where are you staying? Seeing as Baekhyun ended the letting contract."
"With Yifan right now but I'm looking for my own place," Yixing cleared his throat.
"Okay."
They left it at that and Yixing left the coffee shop with a sense of shock running through his veins as he approached the park where Yifan had texted him to tell him he was with Rourou. Yixing could hear the pair of them before he saw them, the dog's playful yips echoed around and the rumble of Yifan's laughter vibrated through the air easily.
The small poodle noticed Yixing approaching first, he dashed right over and Yifan followed closely behind him with a smile on his face as he took the sight of Yixing in. The elder approached him with care as he saw the wetness that clung to Yixing's eyelashes.
"How did it go?" The elder leant forward to until his lips met Yixing's forehead with a gentle press.
"Dae's mad at me and as is Minseok, but he seems to have accepted things a little better."
"I don't think you could have expected much less," Yifan hummed and Yixing knew that too, that's why he had felt so scared going into the meeting.
"Minseok said something though and I think we need to talk about it," Yixing took Yifan's hand in his to draw him closer to one of the benches dotted around. They sat down, the man in front of Yixing looked at him seriously and rubbed his thumb over Yixing's wrist. "Ge said that because of how this relationship started, we might not trust each other as much as people who get together cleanly. There will always be this idea of ‘he did it before, he could do it again,' hanging over me and when things get hard for us, I could have the idea that you were only into the forbidden fruit aspect of things and I do not want that for us. I want there to be a measure of strength in the base we build with each other."
"You want to ensure that we trust each other," Yifan clarified and Yixing agreed instantly. "I think that would be important too."
"I don't want to smother you, nor do I want you to smother me, however, a willingness to be open will go a long way and saying that this will never happen with us is easy now but those bumps in the road that people in healthily starting relationships will seem so much harder to surpass with the history we have."
"I want this to work. I have wanted you for so long now and I haven't felt anything like this before, I will try with everything I have to make this relationship a success."
"I don't want all of this to be pointless, my mistakes have cost me the trust of three people and I can't let that all go to waste."
"I know," Yifan moved closer to Yixing and the younger tucked himself under Yifan's side with a gentle sigh. "We'll make this work, we did this because of how we feel and we will continue to move forward with that."
"I can't help but feel like I don't deserve any of this, I shouldn't be allowed to have my happiness or have you still by my side. Especially after everything I have put you through over the past few months, I think you deserve better than this and I don't think I would stand in your way if you ever wanted to leave. Nevertheless, I still want this to work out."
Yifan lifted Yixing's nose up to let their lips meet with a subtle brush of tongue, "Happiness and honesty come first, okay?"
◎◉◎
Yixing’s flight landed exactly on time, he smiled when he looked out of the window and saw small flakes of snow blow past him in the wind. When he made his way into the airport and it was safe to remove his from airplane mode, he opened his messages and tapped out a quick ‘I’ve landed’ before he slid it back into his pocket to find his luggage on the conveyor belt. He knew there would not be anybody to pick him up from the terminal, so he hailed a cab to take into the city of Seoul.
The driver rose an eyebrow at the use of his Korean and Yixing laughed shyly, he was out of practice but the man understood him enough to take him to the hotel that was his destination.
The building was impressively tall and fronted with glass that reflected the snow drifting down to the ground around him and he smiled once more before heading into the reception area. He checked in as fast as he could before he heard his name be yelled from the opposite end of the lobby. He looked over his shoulder to see Minseok shuffling his way and he moved away from the desk to greet him with a hug, they smaller male clutched him tightly.
“Jongdae got your message and sent me down to greet you,” Minseok’s face spread apart in a smile, “he’s busy sorting some stuff for the event room.”
“I’ll see him later, I’m sure.”
Minseok looked over Yixing’s shoulder, searching for something. Or rather, someone. “No plus one?”
“Ah no, things didn’t quite work out that way,” Yixing mumbled as the receptionist got his attention to hand him his keycard and the two friends made their way to the elevator. Yixing checked his room number and pressed the number button to take them up.
“I thought he was-” Minseok’s face dropped slightly. “Anyway, I’m sure you’ll have fun with us here.”
"Excited?" Yixing turned to his friend once more and Minseok's sympathy for his friend visibly ebbed away.
"How could I not be? It might not be legally binding but I get to marry the man I love in front of the people we are closest to."
"I'm happy for you guys," Yixing grinned at his friend with a genuine spread of emotion across his face and Minseok softened even further. "It doesn't matter if you're legally married or not, it's the sentiment of this whole thing that's important."
The two of them made their way over to the elevator and stepped onto the glossed floor, the mirror reflected their faces back to them, Yixing could see his friend's blissed out countenance as he bent over to press his floor number and Minseok gave him a long hug as soon as the doors slid shut.
"Drop these off in your room and I'll give you a quick tour of this place," the Korean smiled and Yixing bobbed his head affirmatively. "You don't know how much it means to me to have you here," Minseok mumbled against his shirt. "I've missed you so much since moving back."
"I missed you, too. Life feels different not seeing you every day."
"Not that you would have any time for me, Mr Bigshot Editor," Minseok's left eyebrow made a triangle as he smirked around his words and pulled back. "How many best-sellers is it now?"
"It's only the three," Yixing rolled his eyes and the shorter man scoffed.
"Three more than me."
Yixing fiddled with the handle on his bag and shifted the strap over his shoulder. "But your new place is doing well, I hear."
"Yeah, our customer intake is far higher than in China," Minseok nodded, "and Dae has had a ball being able to experiment with Korean food."
The bell of the doors opening resounded and the two of them stepped out into the carpeted corridor, Yixing looked at the pointers on the wall as he headed towards his room and Minseok tailed him happily. The sight of the mahogany door with his room number accented in gold on it made Yixing smile and he slid the keycard into the slot near the handle. The lock slid across and revealed the neutrally coloured space that Yixing would call home for the next few days.
Minseok reclined on the jamb while Yixing placed all of his items at the foot of the bed, the younger of the two flipped one of his cases open and pulled out a second sweater to pull on. He made sure his phone was definitely in his pocket and left the main area of the room to approach his friend. The elder showed him around and Yixing could see how comfortable Minseok was to be back in Korea, it was one the most pleasing sights he'd ever had.
Four days later, Yixing was sat in the front row as Minseok and Jongdae married one another. Jongdae looked delirious with joy and while Yixing couldn't see his face, he knew the other Korean would have looked equally happy. Even though nothing about the whole event would be recognised by the law, Yixing could see how much it meant to the both of them and his heart ached as he took the whole day in. The Chinese male barely took in the people around him as he focused in on his best friends, even as everybody filled in to have the celebration afterwards.
He hadn't been there for half an hour before two arms went around his waist and there was a soothing kiss pressed behind his ear, "I'm sorry I'm late."
Yixing's stomach dropped with the heavy weight of love that he'd grown so used to, "I didn't think you were coming at all."
"I told you I would try to make it," Yifan whispered against the curve of Yixing's earlobe. "I promised it, in fact."
"But you were so busy when I left," Yixing curved his neck uncomfortably to look around at his boyfriend, "I was certain you wouldn't be able to make it."
"O ye of little faith," the taller laughed teasingly. "I wouldn't leave you stranded here for the full two weeks."
Yixing didn't respond but clutched at the suit jacket that hung over Yifan's shoulders when he turned to face him fully, his clothing smelt a little like the stale air that's on aeroplanes but that didn't fuss Yixing too much when he caught the familiar, but dulled, scent of Yifan's lavender aftershave.
"Do you want something to drink?" The taller grumbled and he stepped away without Yixing responding, the empty glass on the table next to Yixing was answer enough.
He watched Yifan walk away, the older man filled his fitted suit with tailored precision and found himself smiling at the mere sight of the other in the crowded room. He definitely filled out from being with Yixing, the elder ate more steadily and his body had even developed a little muscle with how often Yixing had dragged him to the gym.
"Is that him?"
Yixing's head whipped around. Baekhyun.
"Is who what?" Yixing's eyebrows creased at the vision of the other in front of him. His hair was a pale brunet shade, the black looked long gone.
"The other man?" He pointed at Yifan with the index finger that clasped at his glass.
"Yeah, that's him."
"You're still together?" Baekhyun sounded shocked. “It’s been three years.”
"I love him," all the Chinese male could do was shrug as nonchalantly as he could.
Baekhyun didn't say anything whilst they continued to observe the carefree way Yifan interacted with the people around him and how comfortable he was when he spoke in Korean, which still managed to shock Yixing whenever he heard it. He could feel the resentment flowing from the man beside him but Yixing could see how much better he looked. His skin was clearer, his hair colour fit his softly coloured eyes and there was a vibrancy to how he looked. Yixing was sure that was the effect of love but he couldn't be certain.
It was all he could deduce from what had happened between himself and Yifan, as well as Minseok and Jongdae with their equally wide smiles.
"I still hate you, I hope you know that," Baekhyun's features had taken on a cutting appearance as he spoke. "I don’t know how Minseok-hyung and Jongdae could let you back in. I certainly won't ever forgive you."
Yixing gulped down a dry ball in his throat with his eyes cutting to the floor, "I wouldn't expect you to. You do look happier now, though. It's nice."
The Korean scoffed ‘nice’ as he walked off, Yixing could understand the animosity that still remained but the reminders of what he'd done stuck everywhere. He guessed that was his punishment; his friends forgave him, but only after they had moved back to Korea, and he worked harder in his romantic relationship than he had ever done so before but he would always be the man who cheated, the adulterer. He could see the effects in his relationship with Yifan.
Jealousy came easily to the both of them, sudden moments of paranoia whenever they weren’t together swung around and their arguments hurt the most. However, they put the effort in to work through it. Long fights evolved over time into long discussions, nobody mentioned the thought of infidelity and neither of them loved the other less. Nothing was perfect but Yixing tried the best he could to show Yifan that they were different when they were together; Yixing wouldn’t stray and Yifan reassured him of the same.
Their talk in the park after Yixing had given his side of the story to Minseok and Jongdae had done a lot but it was far harder in practice. Neither of them knew how they would react when Yifan had to go away and Yixing spent long hours sorting his authors out. It was them stepping into the unknown without the flashlight of security most honest starting relationships had. It was something to be worked out as time passed but neither of them gave up.
Things began to tone down when the trust gently increased but the way their hearts beat for the other didn’t change.
Strangely enough, Lu Han and Tao had drawn Yixing into their small group easily once they realise how permanently he would be in Yifan’s life. Yixing didn’t know if Yifan had told them everything but he suspected that he probably had.
When Yifan arrived back to Yixing’s corner of the room, he wrapped Yixing up in his arms and kept him there. They danced in rocking motions to the music around them, Yixing swayed with his head on Yifan's chest, the taller's arms tightened around his waist and Yixing smiled into the space that the continual thudding of Yifan's heart vibrated from. It was hard to choose Yifan, it was hard to be with Yifan but Yixing knew that Yifan was a bridge he could never burn.