[Fic] The Three Kisses - chapter 7
Title: The three kisses
Pairing(s): Everyone/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (7/?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:
Genre: drama, romance, angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: oh dear...
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three | four | five | six
*********
They entered the dim room to find Yunho and Jaejoong sitting quietly on a couch watching Yoochun, who was currently in the recording room bent over his sheet of music. Yunho looked up as the door opened, the worried tense lines of his face softening slightly when he saw them.
"Where have you been?" His tone wasn't accusatory or angry, but Changmin felt guilty all the same. He'd already forgotten Yunho's plea earlier that morning and wasn't doing a very good job of upholding his promise. He felt worse because a part of him argued that he didn't even care. He was ready to stop everything and demand answers right then and there.
He shifted uncomfortably as Jaejoong also turned to look up at them with impassive dark eyes. Junsu muttered out some sort of explanation and Yunho just nodded. "It's okay, sit down."
Before Changmin could move Junsu was stepping forward, sliding into the empty space beside Yunho. If Changmin didn't know better, he'd think Junsu was just choosing the nearest position, but the discreet flash of those teardrop eyes, a flicker in Jaejoong's direction, and Changmin knew he'd done it on purpose. It wasn't exactly helpful given their current situation.
"Changmin, sit down." Yunho repeated, eyes already back on Yoochun whose smooth deep vocals were now filtering through the speakers.
Left with no choice, Changmin hesitantly moved to lower himself into the only available seat beside Jaejoong. The older man was sitting rigidly still, abnormally so, and Changmin tried to squish himself as close as possible to the arm rest of the couch, a pathetic attempt to not touch the other.
He would have felt obvious or stupid except he could tell that Jaejoong was currently doing the exact same thing. Despite their joined efforts, the weight of his body had him sinking into the cushion, tilting them both towards each other even as they leaned awkwardly away. It was unavoidable, the way their legs pressed together, shoulders bumping before Changmin leaned almost bodily to the opposite side.
He tried to force down the crazy fluttering in his stomach, the desire to just let himself follow gravity's course and fall against Jaejoong's side, because how would Jaejoong react if he did? Instead, he focused all his attention on Yoochun who was pouring forth sweeping melodies full of emotion, which was soon putting the room under a spell. Changmin momentarily forgot about his uncomfortable position and the warmth of Jaejoong's leg against his as he looked at Yoochun's face.
His eyes were closed, face drawn as he felt each and every note and word of the song. It was mesmerizing, even more so since Changmin knew that Yoochun meant every word he uttered. The sad love ballad never seemed more real, breaking his heart as much as he couldn’t look away or hear anything else. Beautiful and sad, and he almost didn’t hear Jaejoong’s soft concerned murmur beside him.
By the time the song ended, the room was eerily quiet, as if everyone were holding their breath, and Changmin’s heart ached, watching with sad eyes as Yoochun suddenly turned his back on the room to quickly run a hand across his face. He instantly had the urge to rush into the room and shield Yoochun from all the watching eyes, to offer that comfort he should have but couldn't last night.
He was about to stand up, one hand on the arm of the couch, when beside him Jaejoong shot to his feet. “Chunnie.” He whispered, rushing to meet the other as Yoochun came out of the studio, head hung and hair in his eyes.
But the manager reached him first, clapping him on the shoulder and complimenting him on the flawless recording. It seemed so crude and unfitting for the simple fact that Yoochun’s performance was achieved through real pain and tears, but a moment later and Jaejoong had thrown his arms around Yoochun’s neck, drawing him close.
Yoochun’s hands moved to cling to Jaejoong tightly, hiding his face in his shoulder and Changmin thought he heard a soft breath that sounded too much like a sob, but he couldn’t be sure as beside him Yunho was loudly asking the recording staff about technicalities, and Changmin belatedly realized he should be helping cover for Yoochun, too.
He quickly stood, answering the call of his name to then walk by the still embracing pair, barely keeping himself from stopping beside them. Jaejoong was whispering in Yoochun’s ear, and as much as Changmin could hear the deep shaky breaths hissing between clenched teeth, his eyes seemed stuck on the line of Jaejoong’s jaw, the press of lips whispering against pale skin.
At that moment, he wanted and needed to do so many things, anything besides going into the studio to record a song. He wanted to reach out and offer apologies, he wanted to selfishly unwrap Jaejoong's arms from the small frame, he wanted to ask about the letters, but he was helplessly ushered into the room, the door closing behind him with a click and promptly cutting off all noise from the other room.
Numbly, he reached automatically for the headphones, fumbling with them awkwardly as his whole body seemed heavy and lethargic. He turned to the glass window, able to just see Jaejoong and Yoochun on the other side. Watched with an odd quietness filling him up as Jaejoong finally released Yoochun, taking his hand and leading back to the same seat that he’d just shared with Changmin.
He couldn’t help but stare, couldn’t help but notice the way they sat down together, sinking into each other as their sides pressed fully together. Jaejoong’s arm slipped around Yoochun’s slim waist to tug him closer yet, and he blinked back into himself as someone called his name sharply. With the tone it was apparent they’d already called him more than once, and he apologized clumsily, cheeks warming slightly.
Putting the headset on, Changmin forced his eyes away from his bandmates and onto his music. The lines and notes seemed to blur before his eyes, wavering and wobbling so that he couldn’t even begin to read it and then he realized he’d missed his cue.
The director stopped the music and spoke to him calmly through the speakers. It didn’t matter what he was saying, Changmin could only apologize as they prepared the track again. But then he couldn’t resist a glimpse at the couch.
Jaejoong and Yoochun were completely focused on each other, faces close and Jaejoong's lips once again nearly touching Yoochun's ear as he spoke to the other. Yoochun’s face was pale and Changmin saw the discreet way he reached for Jaejoong’s hand, entwining their fingers tightly.
A thick lump rose in his throat and he looked quickly away, only to meet dark brown eyes staring straight at him. Yunho was gazing at him with an odd expression on his face, and when he realized Changmin was looking back at him he broke into a small encouraging smile.
Needless to say, Changmin had again missed his cue. Because now the door was opening and the director was stepping into the space, face stern but eyes concerned as he asked what was wrong. Berating himself yet again, Changmin dropped his head.
“I’m sorry. I can’t seem to get it…” He mumbled, wincing at the other man’s tired sigh.
“Do you need to take a break? Because we can’t keep repeating this and waste precious time.”
“No, I can do it. I’m sorry, sir.” Changmin protested weakly, lifting his head to look into the man’s face.
The other regarded him gravely, but with a short nod let it go. “Okay, then let’s give it another go.”
Pushing away all other emotions, Changmin determinedly focused on the music, trying to pretend he was alone and trying to forget everything else. But his heart was aching and threatening to pull him back under, and he really just wanted everything to be over.
The door opened yet again and Changmin blinked the world back into focus, already turning to start apologizing again but when he hurriedly looked up it was to see Jaejoong before him, looking at him with piercing eyes, eyes that could probably see right through him.
The paper he held in his fingers slipped out of his grip, fluttering to the floor. Jaejoong was looking at him as if he knew everything, and Changmin’s heart seemed to stop. The other man bent to retrieve the paper and the moment was broken. His turn was apparently over, and Changmin fumbled to tug off the headphones, suddenly wanting to get away from the other as fast as possible.
He brushed by Jaejoong who had continued to look at him with penetrating eyes, and moved away from the light touch that never reached his arm. He reached for the door, the soft murmur of his name freezing him with his hand already on the handle.
"Changmin-ah. I want to talk to you...later." Changmin couldn't turn around, wondering what the other man could possibly want to say. "About Yoochun."
The words were like a sting, spurring him to shove through the door, cutting off the other before he could even really start. Yoochun must have told him what had happened, what they'd done together last night. And he felt rather betrayed though most of it was an overwhelming flush of embarrassed shame. How could Yoochun tell him that so easily? How could Changmin ever look Jaejoong in the eyes and explain himself?
Walking straight to the others who were waiting for him looking subdued and dark, Changmin let out a breath that he realized he’d been holding. Yunho abruptly stood, eyes boring into Changmin as the manager told him he’d have to rerecord later after everyone else was finished.
He didn’t say it in any nice way however, reprimanding Changmin for his mistakes in a sharp voice that Changmin knew he’d had coming all day but couldn’t help from hunching his shoulders in a attempt to protect himself from the onslaught. He felt stupid and guilty, once again young and inexperienced, getting told off in front of everyone, even though none of them had any idea what was wrong or why he was like this. How could they know when he still couldn't ask them who it was?
The man eventually ran out of words and faults to pick at, leaving him to monitor Jaejoong instead, and Changmin was too ashamed to lift his eyes from the floor. Here in front of everyone who mattered he’d been a miserable failure, unable to even pretend just for a day.
“Changmin-ah.” Yunho’s voice was even and steady, close as the other moved next to him. “Come here.”
Changmin trailed after as Yunho led him towards the door. He exchanged a few words with the director then held the door open for Changmin to walk through, following close beside him and not stopping until they reached the practice room again. It was empty and the lights were switched off leaving it in dim greyness.
Once pushing Changmin inside, Yunho turned to close the door behind them and despite his subdued state Changmin didn’t miss the way the other hesitated before letting his hand fall away from the lock.
He turned to Changmin abruptly, stepping close into his space and pinning him with his eyes. “I don’t want to see you like this anymore. I think its about time you tell me honestly what is going on. Now.”
Changmin wasn’t prepared to be questioned directly, and looked at Yunho slightly taken aback. The flicker of surprise was soon becoming a bubbling uneasy feeling within him. As much as he’d always shared his troubles with Yunho in the past, it had been quite some time since he’d last done so, not to mention this time was different. And he didn’t know what to say.
He couldn’t just come out and say he was in love with someone. And not just anyone, someone special to all of them, the one who held their very group together. Someone who even Yunho looked up to as a hyung. “Nothing.” The word was a sigh, filling the quiet air.
Yunho’s jaw clenched slightly. “Please, Changmin-ah, just stop. This has been going on for too long already, and I’ve seen enough. It’s been affecting the whole group, yes, but now I'm only focusing on you. I can’t just stand by and watch you fall apart like this.”
Changmin felt defensive, as it seemed Yunho was putting the blame on him, the look in his eyes, the real meaning behind his words were telling him he had done everything wrong and he couldn’t bear it, not with the way guilt and regret already echoed within him with each word. Yunho’s tone was unusually hard, and Changmin stared back at him. He wanted to deny it and say it wasn’t his fault. Someone else had started this whole thing anyway.
But he found he couldn’t reply to that deep almost angry gaze. What did Yunho want from him, what could he do about it anyway?
“Changmin-ah.” Yunho started again, taking a step closer while Changmin resisted the urge to take a step back in response.
Now that someone was finally asking it of him, he found he didn’t want to say it. He wouldn’t let it out. Not now, not here. And he still wasn’t ready even after all that had happened. He didn’t want to admit it out loud, and probably had never had the confidence to do so from the beginning. Why couldn’t Yunho at least be like Junsu and figure things out on his own?
“Please just talk to me.” Yunho pleaded softly. “I’ll just listen if you want. But I want to help you; I am here for you like I always have been. “
“I don’t need help.” Changmin denied guiltily. “Everything’s fine.”
“Everything’s not fine.” Yunho almost growled. He drew himself up tall, looking at Changmin with a flash in usually calm eyes. Their faces were only mere inches apart. “What are you hiding from me? What do the others know that I don’t?” Yunho demanded. “Are you afraid I’ll ignore you like they do if I find out?”
“I told you, it’s nothing.” Changmin was slightly taken aback by Yunho’s outburst, as if the older had been holding it back for a long time. “Nothing you can help with.” Changmin clarified, only able to think of Jaejoong’s dark eyes. There was no way to deny it anymore, no reason to hide it from himself. And it was his own burden.
“Why do you think I can’t help? I don’t expect anything, I just want to be there for you since no one else seems to be. You know that.”
Changmin bowed his head in recognition of the statement. “I’m sorry, hyung, but this time you can’t.”
“Why not?” Yunho sounded halfway angry, halfway hurt and Changmiin found he couldn’t look at him.
“B-because…there’s no way to control…my heart.” He whispered, unable to say anymore as Yunho abruptly seemed lost for words.
The room was silent and still, filled with nothing but the sound of the ticking of the clock on the wall. Yunho shifted slightly, hesitant, as if afraid to scare him off. “So…you’re in love?” Changmin managed a nod despite his resolve to remain silent. “What’s so wrong about that?”
Yunho reached a hand out to press fingers gently against Changmin’s hand, drawing it into his warm palm. Changmin let him for a few moments, not wanting to reject the touch but he had to reject the words.
“It's wrong because...It's someone I shouldn't look at that way. And because...there's someone else who I can't...give up on."
He tried to pull his hand away, as Yunho listened quietly, expression so serious, but at the movement Yunho tightened his grip, tugging sharply so that Changmin's whole body jerked forward to stumble against Yunho's sturdy frame.
"Just loving somebody...is never wrong." His voice wavered even as he said the words fiercely into Changmin's ear. His free arm wrapped around Changmin's waist, trapping him in a tight hug. "It's not wrong." He repeated in a whisper. "Because no one really has to know."
Changmin didn't know what th other was talking about or what he was really trying to tell him, but the arm at his waist tightened, pressing him close to Yunho's chest and the breath on his ear was too hot and intimate for the level of their current conversation. It sent an unexplainable ripple of uncertainty through him. His breath caught as he was suddenly putting possible meaning into those words, into this very embrace.
"Hyung." His voice barely came out, "What... are you...?"
Yunho's breath was loud and short in his ear. "I know how you feel...and I'll...keep your secret." He let out a slow breath and Changmin shivered.
He was unsure if it was because of Yunho's sudden change in attitude, the fierce desperate way he was suddenly reacting to Changmin's disclosure, or from what Yunho might be implying...or hiding behind his odd words. But if it was Yunho, if he was really the one behind the letters... now was the time to say it. He was waiting to hear it.
Changmin succeeded in pulling his hand away, turning his face wanting to see Yunho's eyes, the expression on his face, since he knew it would tell him the truth even if Yunho wouldn't say it in words.
As soon as he felt him trying to break free, Yunho threw his other arm around him, hugging him tightly and pinning him against his own body, preventing him from looking.
"What are you doing?" Changmin protested.
"Changmin-ah. Let me just...hold you for a minute. Just one minute. Please?"
Changmin's cheeks burned and his heart raced at Yunho's deep voice, the soft heartfelt request, and he tried to relax into the safe circle of Yunho's arms. Yunho never asked permission like this before. If Yunho was just trying to reassure him, comfort him, prove to him he would support and listen to him the way he'd always done, then this would all be fine. Normal for them even. But something felt different, something tense in the way Yunho spoke, something forced in the way he clutched him to his body. And he couldn't relax, couldn't calm his heart or slow his speeding thoughts.
Nerves and insecurity filled him up. He'd never felt so exposed and vulnerable in a hug before, and certainly never in Yunho's arms. What was wrong with him? He didn't think he could stand it much longer, but Yunho was releasing him as suddenly as he'd held him.
He avoided Changmin's gaze. "I made you uncomfortable... I'm sorry. I know this isn't like me."
Changmin dropped his eyes, unable to deny Yunho's words as much as he knew he should just give him a white lie at a time like this. But he still felt awkward and out of place. Not because of the hug...no, it was because he realized he'd never seen Yunho act like this, unsure and impulsive. A rawness of emotions pouring from him without discretion or boundaries. It unnerved him, threw him off because there was something big there that he saw but didn't know how to identify.
"I'm sorry." Yunho's voice sounded flat, almost insincere, but Changmin was still struggling too much with his thoughts to react properly. "We should get back now."
He turned quickly, striding across the room in a few quick steps, and Changmin couldn't help but feel the older was not only hiding something, but also running away. From him. And he was letting him go.
He realized Yunho had taken him aside because he was worried about him, wanted to give him a shoulder to lean on, an ear to confide in, but had ended up cracking open and releasing something hidden within himself instead. Something that was like a barely suppressed storm, wild and dangerously fierce, and the small glimpse he'd seen only made him even more confused.
Changmin closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself down and collect his thoughts, feeling horribly like he'd done something wrong and done much worse than just let Yunho down, when he suddenly heard the unmistakable sound of a lock clicking into place.
His eyes flew open again and he could just barely make out the shadow of Yunho's broad shoulders in the dark.
"You know...I really can't do this anymore." Yunho said quietly. His voice was dark and emotionless.
Changmin tried to keep the tremor out of his voice. "Do what?"
Yunho didn't answer, walking back towards him instead. His face was shadowed and dark and Changmin found himself flinching instinctively, retreating, when hands sought his arms in the dark. Yunho's fingers were warm and gentle on his shoulders; a few steps more and his back met the wall.
"Just this one time." Yunho's voice was close, he could feel the near proximity of his body, hands pressing him to lean against the wall. "Just this once, and then I'll be done. I promise. I'll stop... and everything will go back to normal."
Changmin's heart was racing as he tried to make sense of the words, his stomach twisted with nerves as suddenly Yunho's hands were pushing him more firmly against the wall, body leaning closer, trapping him, and before he could speak even his breath was taken away as impossibly warm lips were suddenly crushing against his.
Yunho kissed him hard, mouth open and moving against his desperately, hot and passionate as if it was the only thing that mattered, and Changmin went weak underneath him, too shocked to resist the urgent press of lips and tongue. Before he could even react, whether that was to push him away or respond and kiss back, Yunho was pulling away.
They were both breathing heavily in each other's faces as Yunho's lips lingered another moment. Then his head fell forward, forehead coming to rest on Changmin's collar bone.
"I'm so sorry, Changmin-ah." A shuddering breath. "I couldn't...Please, just pretend this never happened..." And again as if trying to convince himself more than Changmin. "Just this once...forgive me."
Changmin couldn't reply, wasn't sure what he even wanted to hear or know, and Yunho didn't really give him a choice nor time even to think because he was already turning away for the second time. He left Changmin speechless and frozen against the wall in a dark, empty room.
It was many long minutes before Changmin finally moved from his position, stumbling across the room until his searching fingers hit the light switch.
He blinked against the sudden brightness, his own reflection in the mirror the first thing he saw after the whiteness cleared from his eyes. Clothes slightly rumpled, lips red and he quickly brought his hand up to touch them, as if he could wipe away the evidence if not the deed itself. He still couldn’t believe Yunho had kissed him. He was stuck in a slight daze with only one clear thought filling his head.
He tore his eyes away from the mirror, walking slowly, steps steady even as his mind was screaming at him to run over to where that bag was dumped in an inconspicuous heap.
Sinking to his knees beside it, he hardly hesitated before reaching out to practically rip it open. Fumbling through the contents, his eyes inevitably caught on the letter. He paused, throat closing slightly, hands clenching briefly before he upturned the whole bag, spilling everything out onto the floor before him.
His eyes instantly landed on one article, something that made his heart stop mid-beat. A small brown leather wallet that he could recognize anywhere because he'd been the person who'd bought it and given it as a gift. To Yunho.
He held it in both hands, heart oddly still. It was worn and smooth from all the use, and he almost couldn't force himself to open it.
It fell open within his palm, and there across from Yunho's ID card was a small photo. It was a picture that he knew was of the five of them, but it had been folded over to leave just the two of them, him and Yunho, smiling innocently up at him.
He sat back breathing shallowly. Finally. Finally he knew. It was Yunho.
But why...why hadn't Yunho said so? None of Yunho's words just now made any sense. Not his odd confession, nor the way he'd gone through so much effort to write love letters only to kiss him blindly in the dark for what seemed to be the first and last time. Why do all this when he just wanted to keep it a secret, pretending it never happened? And more thaan that, why had it seemed like he actually wished it had never happened?
He didn't understand, didn't want to understand. Even though it would explain the reason the letter sender had never once hinted at their identity, leaving him forever wondering and in turmoil, why would Yunho give up before they even tried, before Changmin could even open his heart and give him a chance. Was it all over now, just like that?
He couldn't believe it, and didn't want to let it go like that. It wasn't fair. Not like this.
Slowly, deliberately, he began replacing the items back in the bag, taking the letter in his hand for a final time, rereading it slowly and trying to loosen the tight knot twisting his heart. The words were still beautiful and deep, all he’d ever dreamed of lost in fantasies of true love..these words, they must have tortured Yunho just as much as they'd tortured him for weeks on end. But, why?
Everything that he'd focused on the past months had come to a dead end. Everything was done but not explained, and he now felt oddly numb. As if it had all been a strange dream he'd been caught up in, and now he'd awoken to find a reality different than he'd believed in. It hurt, and it was many long minutes before he could force himself to replace the letter and get heavily to his feet.
He was reeling slightly from all the sudden revelations, and it was as if through a thick fog that he slowly made his way out of the room. What should he do? Now that it had finally come to this point it was frustrating to find that he was more lost than ever. He needed reassurance and an honest explanation. He needed to talk to Yunho again, actually talk about the only thing that mattered. He blindly walked down the hall, unable to see anything except the tortured look that had flashed in Yunho’s eyes before he’d run away.
And try as he might, he couldn’t figure out why he felt so horribly...unhappy.
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next chapter~
a/n: its a little abrupt.. isn't it? -0- next chapter has me nervous tho..., and im sorry for the lack of jaemin in these chapters T^T they will have their time too ~
Pairing(s): Everyone/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (7/?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:
Genre: drama, romance, angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: oh dear...
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three | four | five | six
*********
They entered the dim room to find Yunho and Jaejoong sitting quietly on a couch watching Yoochun, who was currently in the recording room bent over his sheet of music. Yunho looked up as the door opened, the worried tense lines of his face softening slightly when he saw them.
"Where have you been?" His tone wasn't accusatory or angry, but Changmin felt guilty all the same. He'd already forgotten Yunho's plea earlier that morning and wasn't doing a very good job of upholding his promise. He felt worse because a part of him argued that he didn't even care. He was ready to stop everything and demand answers right then and there.
He shifted uncomfortably as Jaejoong also turned to look up at them with impassive dark eyes. Junsu muttered out some sort of explanation and Yunho just nodded. "It's okay, sit down."
Before Changmin could move Junsu was stepping forward, sliding into the empty space beside Yunho. If Changmin didn't know better, he'd think Junsu was just choosing the nearest position, but the discreet flash of those teardrop eyes, a flicker in Jaejoong's direction, and Changmin knew he'd done it on purpose. It wasn't exactly helpful given their current situation.
"Changmin, sit down." Yunho repeated, eyes already back on Yoochun whose smooth deep vocals were now filtering through the speakers.
Left with no choice, Changmin hesitantly moved to lower himself into the only available seat beside Jaejoong. The older man was sitting rigidly still, abnormally so, and Changmin tried to squish himself as close as possible to the arm rest of the couch, a pathetic attempt to not touch the other.
He would have felt obvious or stupid except he could tell that Jaejoong was currently doing the exact same thing. Despite their joined efforts, the weight of his body had him sinking into the cushion, tilting them both towards each other even as they leaned awkwardly away. It was unavoidable, the way their legs pressed together, shoulders bumping before Changmin leaned almost bodily to the opposite side.
He tried to force down the crazy fluttering in his stomach, the desire to just let himself follow gravity's course and fall against Jaejoong's side, because how would Jaejoong react if he did? Instead, he focused all his attention on Yoochun who was pouring forth sweeping melodies full of emotion, which was soon putting the room under a spell. Changmin momentarily forgot about his uncomfortable position and the warmth of Jaejoong's leg against his as he looked at Yoochun's face.
His eyes were closed, face drawn as he felt each and every note and word of the song. It was mesmerizing, even more so since Changmin knew that Yoochun meant every word he uttered. The sad love ballad never seemed more real, breaking his heart as much as he couldn’t look away or hear anything else. Beautiful and sad, and he almost didn’t hear Jaejoong’s soft concerned murmur beside him.
By the time the song ended, the room was eerily quiet, as if everyone were holding their breath, and Changmin’s heart ached, watching with sad eyes as Yoochun suddenly turned his back on the room to quickly run a hand across his face. He instantly had the urge to rush into the room and shield Yoochun from all the watching eyes, to offer that comfort he should have but couldn't last night.
He was about to stand up, one hand on the arm of the couch, when beside him Jaejoong shot to his feet. “Chunnie.” He whispered, rushing to meet the other as Yoochun came out of the studio, head hung and hair in his eyes.
But the manager reached him first, clapping him on the shoulder and complimenting him on the flawless recording. It seemed so crude and unfitting for the simple fact that Yoochun’s performance was achieved through real pain and tears, but a moment later and Jaejoong had thrown his arms around Yoochun’s neck, drawing him close.
Yoochun’s hands moved to cling to Jaejoong tightly, hiding his face in his shoulder and Changmin thought he heard a soft breath that sounded too much like a sob, but he couldn’t be sure as beside him Yunho was loudly asking the recording staff about technicalities, and Changmin belatedly realized he should be helping cover for Yoochun, too.
He quickly stood, answering the call of his name to then walk by the still embracing pair, barely keeping himself from stopping beside them. Jaejoong was whispering in Yoochun’s ear, and as much as Changmin could hear the deep shaky breaths hissing between clenched teeth, his eyes seemed stuck on the line of Jaejoong’s jaw, the press of lips whispering against pale skin.
At that moment, he wanted and needed to do so many things, anything besides going into the studio to record a song. He wanted to reach out and offer apologies, he wanted to selfishly unwrap Jaejoong's arms from the small frame, he wanted to ask about the letters, but he was helplessly ushered into the room, the door closing behind him with a click and promptly cutting off all noise from the other room.
Numbly, he reached automatically for the headphones, fumbling with them awkwardly as his whole body seemed heavy and lethargic. He turned to the glass window, able to just see Jaejoong and Yoochun on the other side. Watched with an odd quietness filling him up as Jaejoong finally released Yoochun, taking his hand and leading back to the same seat that he’d just shared with Changmin.
He couldn’t help but stare, couldn’t help but notice the way they sat down together, sinking into each other as their sides pressed fully together. Jaejoong’s arm slipped around Yoochun’s slim waist to tug him closer yet, and he blinked back into himself as someone called his name sharply. With the tone it was apparent they’d already called him more than once, and he apologized clumsily, cheeks warming slightly.
Putting the headset on, Changmin forced his eyes away from his bandmates and onto his music. The lines and notes seemed to blur before his eyes, wavering and wobbling so that he couldn’t even begin to read it and then he realized he’d missed his cue.
The director stopped the music and spoke to him calmly through the speakers. It didn’t matter what he was saying, Changmin could only apologize as they prepared the track again. But then he couldn’t resist a glimpse at the couch.
Jaejoong and Yoochun were completely focused on each other, faces close and Jaejoong's lips once again nearly touching Yoochun's ear as he spoke to the other. Yoochun’s face was pale and Changmin saw the discreet way he reached for Jaejoong’s hand, entwining their fingers tightly.
A thick lump rose in his throat and he looked quickly away, only to meet dark brown eyes staring straight at him. Yunho was gazing at him with an odd expression on his face, and when he realized Changmin was looking back at him he broke into a small encouraging smile.
Needless to say, Changmin had again missed his cue. Because now the door was opening and the director was stepping into the space, face stern but eyes concerned as he asked what was wrong. Berating himself yet again, Changmin dropped his head.
“I’m sorry. I can’t seem to get it…” He mumbled, wincing at the other man’s tired sigh.
“Do you need to take a break? Because we can’t keep repeating this and waste precious time.”
“No, I can do it. I’m sorry, sir.” Changmin protested weakly, lifting his head to look into the man’s face.
The other regarded him gravely, but with a short nod let it go. “Okay, then let’s give it another go.”
Pushing away all other emotions, Changmin determinedly focused on the music, trying to pretend he was alone and trying to forget everything else. But his heart was aching and threatening to pull him back under, and he really just wanted everything to be over.
The door opened yet again and Changmin blinked the world back into focus, already turning to start apologizing again but when he hurriedly looked up it was to see Jaejoong before him, looking at him with piercing eyes, eyes that could probably see right through him.
The paper he held in his fingers slipped out of his grip, fluttering to the floor. Jaejoong was looking at him as if he knew everything, and Changmin’s heart seemed to stop. The other man bent to retrieve the paper and the moment was broken. His turn was apparently over, and Changmin fumbled to tug off the headphones, suddenly wanting to get away from the other as fast as possible.
He brushed by Jaejoong who had continued to look at him with penetrating eyes, and moved away from the light touch that never reached his arm. He reached for the door, the soft murmur of his name freezing him with his hand already on the handle.
"Changmin-ah. I want to talk to you...later." Changmin couldn't turn around, wondering what the other man could possibly want to say. "About Yoochun."
The words were like a sting, spurring him to shove through the door, cutting off the other before he could even really start. Yoochun must have told him what had happened, what they'd done together last night. And he felt rather betrayed though most of it was an overwhelming flush of embarrassed shame. How could Yoochun tell him that so easily? How could Changmin ever look Jaejoong in the eyes and explain himself?
Walking straight to the others who were waiting for him looking subdued and dark, Changmin let out a breath that he realized he’d been holding. Yunho abruptly stood, eyes boring into Changmin as the manager told him he’d have to rerecord later after everyone else was finished.
He didn’t say it in any nice way however, reprimanding Changmin for his mistakes in a sharp voice that Changmin knew he’d had coming all day but couldn’t help from hunching his shoulders in a attempt to protect himself from the onslaught. He felt stupid and guilty, once again young and inexperienced, getting told off in front of everyone, even though none of them had any idea what was wrong or why he was like this. How could they know when he still couldn't ask them who it was?
The man eventually ran out of words and faults to pick at, leaving him to monitor Jaejoong instead, and Changmin was too ashamed to lift his eyes from the floor. Here in front of everyone who mattered he’d been a miserable failure, unable to even pretend just for a day.
“Changmin-ah.” Yunho’s voice was even and steady, close as the other moved next to him. “Come here.”
Changmin trailed after as Yunho led him towards the door. He exchanged a few words with the director then held the door open for Changmin to walk through, following close beside him and not stopping until they reached the practice room again. It was empty and the lights were switched off leaving it in dim greyness.
Once pushing Changmin inside, Yunho turned to close the door behind them and despite his subdued state Changmin didn’t miss the way the other hesitated before letting his hand fall away from the lock.
He turned to Changmin abruptly, stepping close into his space and pinning him with his eyes. “I don’t want to see you like this anymore. I think its about time you tell me honestly what is going on. Now.”
Changmin wasn’t prepared to be questioned directly, and looked at Yunho slightly taken aback. The flicker of surprise was soon becoming a bubbling uneasy feeling within him. As much as he’d always shared his troubles with Yunho in the past, it had been quite some time since he’d last done so, not to mention this time was different. And he didn’t know what to say.
He couldn’t just come out and say he was in love with someone. And not just anyone, someone special to all of them, the one who held their very group together. Someone who even Yunho looked up to as a hyung. “Nothing.” The word was a sigh, filling the quiet air.
Yunho’s jaw clenched slightly. “Please, Changmin-ah, just stop. This has been going on for too long already, and I’ve seen enough. It’s been affecting the whole group, yes, but now I'm only focusing on you. I can’t just stand by and watch you fall apart like this.”
Changmin felt defensive, as it seemed Yunho was putting the blame on him, the look in his eyes, the real meaning behind his words were telling him he had done everything wrong and he couldn’t bear it, not with the way guilt and regret already echoed within him with each word. Yunho’s tone was unusually hard, and Changmin stared back at him. He wanted to deny it and say it wasn’t his fault. Someone else had started this whole thing anyway.
But he found he couldn’t reply to that deep almost angry gaze. What did Yunho want from him, what could he do about it anyway?
“Changmin-ah.” Yunho started again, taking a step closer while Changmin resisted the urge to take a step back in response.
Now that someone was finally asking it of him, he found he didn’t want to say it. He wouldn’t let it out. Not now, not here. And he still wasn’t ready even after all that had happened. He didn’t want to admit it out loud, and probably had never had the confidence to do so from the beginning. Why couldn’t Yunho at least be like Junsu and figure things out on his own?
“Please just talk to me.” Yunho pleaded softly. “I’ll just listen if you want. But I want to help you; I am here for you like I always have been. “
“I don’t need help.” Changmin denied guiltily. “Everything’s fine.”
“Everything’s not fine.” Yunho almost growled. He drew himself up tall, looking at Changmin with a flash in usually calm eyes. Their faces were only mere inches apart. “What are you hiding from me? What do the others know that I don’t?” Yunho demanded. “Are you afraid I’ll ignore you like they do if I find out?”
“I told you, it’s nothing.” Changmin was slightly taken aback by Yunho’s outburst, as if the older had been holding it back for a long time. “Nothing you can help with.” Changmin clarified, only able to think of Jaejoong’s dark eyes. There was no way to deny it anymore, no reason to hide it from himself. And it was his own burden.
“Why do you think I can’t help? I don’t expect anything, I just want to be there for you since no one else seems to be. You know that.”
Changmin bowed his head in recognition of the statement. “I’m sorry, hyung, but this time you can’t.”
“Why not?” Yunho sounded halfway angry, halfway hurt and Changmiin found he couldn’t look at him.
“B-because…there’s no way to control…my heart.” He whispered, unable to say anymore as Yunho abruptly seemed lost for words.
The room was silent and still, filled with nothing but the sound of the ticking of the clock on the wall. Yunho shifted slightly, hesitant, as if afraid to scare him off. “So…you’re in love?” Changmin managed a nod despite his resolve to remain silent. “What’s so wrong about that?”
Yunho reached a hand out to press fingers gently against Changmin’s hand, drawing it into his warm palm. Changmin let him for a few moments, not wanting to reject the touch but he had to reject the words.
“It's wrong because...It's someone I shouldn't look at that way. And because...there's someone else who I can't...give up on."
He tried to pull his hand away, as Yunho listened quietly, expression so serious, but at the movement Yunho tightened his grip, tugging sharply so that Changmin's whole body jerked forward to stumble against Yunho's sturdy frame.
"Just loving somebody...is never wrong." His voice wavered even as he said the words fiercely into Changmin's ear. His free arm wrapped around Changmin's waist, trapping him in a tight hug. "It's not wrong." He repeated in a whisper. "Because no one really has to know."
Changmin didn't know what th other was talking about or what he was really trying to tell him, but the arm at his waist tightened, pressing him close to Yunho's chest and the breath on his ear was too hot and intimate for the level of their current conversation. It sent an unexplainable ripple of uncertainty through him. His breath caught as he was suddenly putting possible meaning into those words, into this very embrace.
"Hyung." His voice barely came out, "What... are you...?"
Yunho's breath was loud and short in his ear. "I know how you feel...and I'll...keep your secret." He let out a slow breath and Changmin shivered.
He was unsure if it was because of Yunho's sudden change in attitude, the fierce desperate way he was suddenly reacting to Changmin's disclosure, or from what Yunho might be implying...or hiding behind his odd words. But if it was Yunho, if he was really the one behind the letters... now was the time to say it. He was waiting to hear it.
Changmin succeeded in pulling his hand away, turning his face wanting to see Yunho's eyes, the expression on his face, since he knew it would tell him the truth even if Yunho wouldn't say it in words.
As soon as he felt him trying to break free, Yunho threw his other arm around him, hugging him tightly and pinning him against his own body, preventing him from looking.
"What are you doing?" Changmin protested.
"Changmin-ah. Let me just...hold you for a minute. Just one minute. Please?"
Changmin's cheeks burned and his heart raced at Yunho's deep voice, the soft heartfelt request, and he tried to relax into the safe circle of Yunho's arms. Yunho never asked permission like this before. If Yunho was just trying to reassure him, comfort him, prove to him he would support and listen to him the way he'd always done, then this would all be fine. Normal for them even. But something felt different, something tense in the way Yunho spoke, something forced in the way he clutched him to his body. And he couldn't relax, couldn't calm his heart or slow his speeding thoughts.
Nerves and insecurity filled him up. He'd never felt so exposed and vulnerable in a hug before, and certainly never in Yunho's arms. What was wrong with him? He didn't think he could stand it much longer, but Yunho was releasing him as suddenly as he'd held him.
He avoided Changmin's gaze. "I made you uncomfortable... I'm sorry. I know this isn't like me."
Changmin dropped his eyes, unable to deny Yunho's words as much as he knew he should just give him a white lie at a time like this. But he still felt awkward and out of place. Not because of the hug...no, it was because he realized he'd never seen Yunho act like this, unsure and impulsive. A rawness of emotions pouring from him without discretion or boundaries. It unnerved him, threw him off because there was something big there that he saw but didn't know how to identify.
"I'm sorry." Yunho's voice sounded flat, almost insincere, but Changmin was still struggling too much with his thoughts to react properly. "We should get back now."
He turned quickly, striding across the room in a few quick steps, and Changmin couldn't help but feel the older was not only hiding something, but also running away. From him. And he was letting him go.
He realized Yunho had taken him aside because he was worried about him, wanted to give him a shoulder to lean on, an ear to confide in, but had ended up cracking open and releasing something hidden within himself instead. Something that was like a barely suppressed storm, wild and dangerously fierce, and the small glimpse he'd seen only made him even more confused.
Changmin closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself down and collect his thoughts, feeling horribly like he'd done something wrong and done much worse than just let Yunho down, when he suddenly heard the unmistakable sound of a lock clicking into place.
His eyes flew open again and he could just barely make out the shadow of Yunho's broad shoulders in the dark.
"You know...I really can't do this anymore." Yunho said quietly. His voice was dark and emotionless.
Changmin tried to keep the tremor out of his voice. "Do what?"
Yunho didn't answer, walking back towards him instead. His face was shadowed and dark and Changmin found himself flinching instinctively, retreating, when hands sought his arms in the dark. Yunho's fingers were warm and gentle on his shoulders; a few steps more and his back met the wall.
"Just this one time." Yunho's voice was close, he could feel the near proximity of his body, hands pressing him to lean against the wall. "Just this once, and then I'll be done. I promise. I'll stop... and everything will go back to normal."
Changmin's heart was racing as he tried to make sense of the words, his stomach twisted with nerves as suddenly Yunho's hands were pushing him more firmly against the wall, body leaning closer, trapping him, and before he could speak even his breath was taken away as impossibly warm lips were suddenly crushing against his.
Yunho kissed him hard, mouth open and moving against his desperately, hot and passionate as if it was the only thing that mattered, and Changmin went weak underneath him, too shocked to resist the urgent press of lips and tongue. Before he could even react, whether that was to push him away or respond and kiss back, Yunho was pulling away.
They were both breathing heavily in each other's faces as Yunho's lips lingered another moment. Then his head fell forward, forehead coming to rest on Changmin's collar bone.
"I'm so sorry, Changmin-ah." A shuddering breath. "I couldn't...Please, just pretend this never happened..." And again as if trying to convince himself more than Changmin. "Just this once...forgive me."
Changmin couldn't reply, wasn't sure what he even wanted to hear or know, and Yunho didn't really give him a choice nor time even to think because he was already turning away for the second time. He left Changmin speechless and frozen against the wall in a dark, empty room.
It was many long minutes before Changmin finally moved from his position, stumbling across the room until his searching fingers hit the light switch.
He blinked against the sudden brightness, his own reflection in the mirror the first thing he saw after the whiteness cleared from his eyes. Clothes slightly rumpled, lips red and he quickly brought his hand up to touch them, as if he could wipe away the evidence if not the deed itself. He still couldn’t believe Yunho had kissed him. He was stuck in a slight daze with only one clear thought filling his head.
He tore his eyes away from the mirror, walking slowly, steps steady even as his mind was screaming at him to run over to where that bag was dumped in an inconspicuous heap.
Sinking to his knees beside it, he hardly hesitated before reaching out to practically rip it open. Fumbling through the contents, his eyes inevitably caught on the letter. He paused, throat closing slightly, hands clenching briefly before he upturned the whole bag, spilling everything out onto the floor before him.
His eyes instantly landed on one article, something that made his heart stop mid-beat. A small brown leather wallet that he could recognize anywhere because he'd been the person who'd bought it and given it as a gift. To Yunho.
He held it in both hands, heart oddly still. It was worn and smooth from all the use, and he almost couldn't force himself to open it.
It fell open within his palm, and there across from Yunho's ID card was a small photo. It was a picture that he knew was of the five of them, but it had been folded over to leave just the two of them, him and Yunho, smiling innocently up at him.
He sat back breathing shallowly. Finally. Finally he knew. It was Yunho.
But why...why hadn't Yunho said so? None of Yunho's words just now made any sense. Not his odd confession, nor the way he'd gone through so much effort to write love letters only to kiss him blindly in the dark for what seemed to be the first and last time. Why do all this when he just wanted to keep it a secret, pretending it never happened? And more thaan that, why had it seemed like he actually wished it had never happened?
He didn't understand, didn't want to understand. Even though it would explain the reason the letter sender had never once hinted at their identity, leaving him forever wondering and in turmoil, why would Yunho give up before they even tried, before Changmin could even open his heart and give him a chance. Was it all over now, just like that?
He couldn't believe it, and didn't want to let it go like that. It wasn't fair. Not like this.
Slowly, deliberately, he began replacing the items back in the bag, taking the letter in his hand for a final time, rereading it slowly and trying to loosen the tight knot twisting his heart. The words were still beautiful and deep, all he’d ever dreamed of lost in fantasies of true love..these words, they must have tortured Yunho just as much as they'd tortured him for weeks on end. But, why?
Everything that he'd focused on the past months had come to a dead end. Everything was done but not explained, and he now felt oddly numb. As if it had all been a strange dream he'd been caught up in, and now he'd awoken to find a reality different than he'd believed in. It hurt, and it was many long minutes before he could force himself to replace the letter and get heavily to his feet.
He was reeling slightly from all the sudden revelations, and it was as if through a thick fog that he slowly made his way out of the room. What should he do? Now that it had finally come to this point it was frustrating to find that he was more lost than ever. He needed reassurance and an honest explanation. He needed to talk to Yunho again, actually talk about the only thing that mattered. He blindly walked down the hall, unable to see anything except the tortured look that had flashed in Yunho’s eyes before he’d run away.
And try as he might, he couldn’t figure out why he felt so horribly...unhappy.
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next chapter~
a/n: its a little abrupt.. isn't it? -0- next chapter has me nervous tho..., and im sorry for the lack of jaemin in these chapters T^T they will have their time too ~