(no subject)
Sometimes, I think about just leaving the internet. I love everyone i have met on it, but.. that's why I think about leaving. Someday, something is going to happen. I'll lose it for good, I'll grow up and not journal or game any more, either way, friendships will fade. There are not many i talk to outside of the internet. We talk about meeting, but.. will it really happen?
I try to remind myself to just cherish the friendships while i have them, and that eventually people depart. But the thing is, I love everyone too much. Yes, i know, this coming from the girl who stoped journaling for months and leaving everyone behind.
It's weird though. a couple nights ago my friend Dampiel was talking to me about how he fears death. I told him i do too, since no one knows what's really there. Then I said "But I don't think i would mind dying if it wasn't for the people I love". Yet sometimes I think about pushing people away, to save the pain of eventually having to lose them.
Guess it's part of being human. But that isn't to say it's not scary or painful.
And I know that things happen for a reason, but that doesn't mean I have to like it, even if in the end I'm happier.
But also, i'm tired of trying to patch up friendships that nearly keep fading away. I'm always the only one to do it.I'm the one that steps forward, i seem to be the only one who cries over it, i'm the only one who tries. If they don't care, if they can't put forward a little bit of effort, why should I?
I ask myself that, and get mad sometimes at those people, but in the end, i don't care. I don't care if the friendship isn't worth saving to them. It is to me. And if I have to keep saving it over and over because it's what I want, then I will.