day five
Oct 16th day five
“Britt(a)ny Deskins
AIM
11:01
i don't really think it's fair for me to say this to you, buy it's honest so i guess i will anyway... i'm glad you think there's a .01% chance of there being another chance for us. i still think that every day but i didn't want to say anything because if I'm wrong and i really did just fall out of love forever or any number of things happens, i don't want to be responsible for getting your hopes up again. don't hold on to it too tightly and don't try to live your life for me... but i kind hope that if you move far away or we both end up in serious relationships with other people, maybe one day we'll run into each other and be right. *sigh* maybe...”
im going to try to hard to dissect that. It sure appears she does want me a bit. But I cant tell if she feels bad about how im hurting some she wants to stop it or if she really does miss me and is worried about trying again or what. There are so many ways anything could go form here and only one of them leads to how I want the outcome to be. What im most worried about if she will feel this pressure if I ever see her to fall in love. if she feels forced or like it has to happen the first time or second time she sees me she might quit.
It’s completely possible id assume for her to not fall for me again for whatever spark we had to be gone. Anything is possible. If that’s the case then I’ll have to try to move on because I mean what else can I do? It’s also entirely possible for her to see im serious and I care and I want this and to see whatever she saw three years ago, whatever that was. I’m not quite sure why she ever did love me so not sure what happened. I can only assume feeling how she did and treated how she was will do permanent damage after long enough time. I don’t feel a lot of emotion in her words like I feel in mine and I didn’t feel it from her at the park either. I could be wrong but I don’t see the fight and will like you can see in my words. I cant tell if shes just going through the motions or whats going on. She had basically no reaction at park and the last email telling me couldn’t be together wasn’t very emotional either and haven’t of course seen or spoken since there.
Im really scared of a lot of things. But unlike the last three years im not going to back down. If I get my chance I’m going to take it. if I lose then I lost and I tried everything I could. Im not at all familiar with falling out of love or even how far out she is im sure there’s degrees. How little does she care? How often does she think of me? How much does she miss me? Is it all the time like I am for her? Well it can’t be all the time, she couldn’t have so much doubt if it was all the time. It doesn’t matter im going to do everything I can and Im going to listen to her like you do when you respect someone and im going to treat her how she deserves to be treated regardless of if there was another chance or if there wasn’t. it’s what I should have been doing all along and im going to atleast do it now even if I don’t get what I want. She at least deserves that from me.
I also keep thinking of cutesy ways to tell her I miss her but I don’t think they’d be that appreciated those are more for people who are together. I wanted to put gouda in her mailbox with a not that says “I miss you” but aside for the above I don’t think gouda would do well in mailbox and who knows when it would get found and if not found by her wouldn’t be nearly as good.
I understand I can live without her and she knows that she can live without me. The big difference is I know I don’t want to live without her. (not in a suicidal way but in a I don’t want my daily life not to include waking up next to her, far too many texts, coda, britnykisses and wrapping my arm around her while she wears my old kappa soccer shirt to bed)
Oh the replies I sent to her….they were typed immediately after reading hers. I should have put time and thought and punctuation in them but I obviously didn’t.
“
AIM
6:17
if you think there's a chance why can't we try? i want to start over, the first time was a wash we were never on the same page....i want to go on dates, movies, dinner, "get to know each other" i've never felt how i do now...never this attachment....i've lost i've loved and its never been like this at the end...i've never not been able to eat before...never had my mind so...however it is...i know there's a lot of outcomes and only a couple are ones i like but not knowing is terrible...love is something with no rules...i dont know what made you fall out suddenly or maybe it wasnt sudden but regardless....something about me made you very in love with me and it's not gone....i bet i've written pages of scenarios and im sure pages i havent thought of. its certianly possible for me to have done enough damage that you cant ever love me again or see me the same. but its also very possibly i could redeem myself by finally showing how i felt for so long and never could get out. the thing i find myself missing most is the companionship and the person you are. i've been thinking about disney movies and coda. im beyond the veneer (sp?) of wondering where you are and what doing or who doing because it doesnt matter. it just matters that somehow we get a chance sometime. i wanted to go a month a whole month for yo to be free of me (though i was terrified you'd go away completely and not even think about me in that time period). i guess this breaks that rule, im sorry.
| guitar |
AIM
6:24
if we had a chance i want it to be real chance. nothing we ever did happened. we weren't in a healthy relationship then and we would be in the future. they dont have any comparison. i feel like if there is any hope at all we should try. believe me im going to hold on to my .01% no matter what. try or not. there are not a lot of things i stand up for unconditionally but the way i feel about you and us, well its something i have to stand with. i understand i dont have any idea whats in your head, how you're feeling or what you're doing but i know whats in mine and i know what was in yours and i have to hope for it. i actually believe not only can you make my life the best it can be but i think i really can do the same to yours. if we tried and i can't then i'd have to understand and cope with it but id do everything i could and id feel better knowing i did. i dont know a lot about love and im not sure if two loves are ever the same but i just know i've never felt this way and at the end of my long days of whatever job i have all my life i want you to curl up on me on our couch or bed or whatever im going to sit on. i know that my life is better when i wake up beside you as you get ready for work and sneak a glance and tell you to have a good day baby. i know all the little things are so much better with you. and im also pretty sure the little things are what makes the biggest difference. no matter the outcome, i will love you. you're role in my life makes me a better person and i know atleast every now and then i helped your life out too.”
Nevermind she imed me….there is no hope…I have to move on now…
“Britt(a)ny Deskins
AIM
11:01
i don't really think it's fair for me to say this to you, buy it's honest so i guess i will anyway... i'm glad you think there's a .01% chance of there being another chance for us. i still think that every day but i didn't want to say anything because if I'm wrong and i really did just fall out of love forever or any number of things happens, i don't want to be responsible for getting your hopes up again. don't hold on to it too tightly and don't try to live your life for me... but i kind hope that if you move far away or we both end up in serious relationships with other people, maybe one day we'll run into each other and be right. *sigh* maybe...”
im going to try to hard to dissect that. It sure appears she does want me a bit. But I cant tell if she feels bad about how im hurting some she wants to stop it or if she really does miss me and is worried about trying again or what. There are so many ways anything could go form here and only one of them leads to how I want the outcome to be. What im most worried about if she will feel this pressure if I ever see her to fall in love. if she feels forced or like it has to happen the first time or second time she sees me she might quit.
It’s completely possible id assume for her to not fall for me again for whatever spark we had to be gone. Anything is possible. If that’s the case then I’ll have to try to move on because I mean what else can I do? It’s also entirely possible for her to see im serious and I care and I want this and to see whatever she saw three years ago, whatever that was. I’m not quite sure why she ever did love me so not sure what happened. I can only assume feeling how she did and treated how she was will do permanent damage after long enough time. I don’t feel a lot of emotion in her words like I feel in mine and I didn’t feel it from her at the park either. I could be wrong but I don’t see the fight and will like you can see in my words. I cant tell if shes just going through the motions or whats going on. She had basically no reaction at park and the last email telling me couldn’t be together wasn’t very emotional either and haven’t of course seen or spoken since there.
Im really scared of a lot of things. But unlike the last three years im not going to back down. If I get my chance I’m going to take it. if I lose then I lost and I tried everything I could. Im not at all familiar with falling out of love or even how far out she is im sure there’s degrees. How little does she care? How often does she think of me? How much does she miss me? Is it all the time like I am for her? Well it can’t be all the time, she couldn’t have so much doubt if it was all the time. It doesn’t matter im going to do everything I can and Im going to listen to her like you do when you respect someone and im going to treat her how she deserves to be treated regardless of if there was another chance or if there wasn’t. it’s what I should have been doing all along and im going to atleast do it now even if I don’t get what I want. She at least deserves that from me.
I also keep thinking of cutesy ways to tell her I miss her but I don’t think they’d be that appreciated those are more for people who are together. I wanted to put gouda in her mailbox with a not that says “I miss you” but aside for the above I don’t think gouda would do well in mailbox and who knows when it would get found and if not found by her wouldn’t be nearly as good.
I understand I can live without her and she knows that she can live without me. The big difference is I know I don’t want to live without her. (not in a suicidal way but in a I don’t want my daily life not to include waking up next to her, far too many texts, coda, britnykisses and wrapping my arm around her while she wears my old kappa soccer shirt to bed)
Oh the replies I sent to her….they were typed immediately after reading hers. I should have put time and thought and punctuation in them but I obviously didn’t.
“
AIM
6:17
if you think there's a chance why can't we try? i want to start over, the first time was a wash we were never on the same page....i want to go on dates, movies, dinner, "get to know each other" i've never felt how i do now...never this attachment....i've lost i've loved and its never been like this at the end...i've never not been able to eat before...never had my mind so...however it is...i know there's a lot of outcomes and only a couple are ones i like but not knowing is terrible...love is something with no rules...i dont know what made you fall out suddenly or maybe it wasnt sudden but regardless....something about me made you very in love with me and it's not gone....i bet i've written pages of scenarios and im sure pages i havent thought of. its certianly possible for me to have done enough damage that you cant ever love me again or see me the same. but its also very possibly i could redeem myself by finally showing how i felt for so long and never could get out. the thing i find myself missing most is the companionship and the person you are. i've been thinking about disney movies and coda. im beyond the veneer (sp?) of wondering where you are and what doing or who doing because it doesnt matter. it just matters that somehow we get a chance sometime. i wanted to go a month a whole month for yo to be free of me (though i was terrified you'd go away completely and not even think about me in that time period). i guess this breaks that rule, im sorry.
| guitar |
AIM
6:24
if we had a chance i want it to be real chance. nothing we ever did happened. we weren't in a healthy relationship then and we would be in the future. they dont have any comparison. i feel like if there is any hope at all we should try. believe me im going to hold on to my .01% no matter what. try or not. there are not a lot of things i stand up for unconditionally but the way i feel about you and us, well its something i have to stand with. i understand i dont have any idea whats in your head, how you're feeling or what you're doing but i know whats in mine and i know what was in yours and i have to hope for it. i actually believe not only can you make my life the best it can be but i think i really can do the same to yours. if we tried and i can't then i'd have to understand and cope with it but id do everything i could and id feel better knowing i did. i dont know a lot about love and im not sure if two loves are ever the same but i just know i've never felt this way and at the end of my long days of whatever job i have all my life i want you to curl up on me on our couch or bed or whatever im going to sit on. i know that my life is better when i wake up beside you as you get ready for work and sneak a glance and tell you to have a good day baby. i know all the little things are so much better with you. and im also pretty sure the little things are what makes the biggest difference. no matter the outcome, i will love you. you're role in my life makes me a better person and i know atleast every now and then i helped your life out too.”
Nevermind she imed me….there is no hope…I have to move on now…