down
early Oct 24th
I got cut wayyy early at work and was on my own from 3:30 on. went to matts to get my laptop and found out I was taken off his network by Michael for whatever reason and cant even get online in my room. So went to mill mountain about 5 was there till about 10 something which was so boring. Matt wouldn’t go to the mix and brett wanted to go see saw v at midnight and then backed out so I just went to awfuls and played pool alone for a bit.
I ended up leaving because I kept making myself go crazy. I kept seeing brittny and keith’s girls who were cute with guys who looked like dicks. I got jealous over strangers for fucks sake, from the small guiding in the small of their backs, little kisses and touches. Seeing her in any cute girl and them in any couple. What’s going on with me? It’s been over three weeks since I’ve been around her and aside from getting past the initial 24/7 brittny thoughts I haven’t gotten far. I miss her like I couldn’t describe. How do people do this? How come this is so much harder than anything similar I’ve had before?
Keith can’t love her like I do. I know he doesn’t. I know lots of couples and I don’t see anyone with feelings like I have. I’m so masochistic, looking for any possible sign towards the outcome I want. She said at one point “it could be very temporary” with keith. Why very? Is there a reason for very? I could see “it could be temporary or long term” that’s standard but very? Who would hold on to a four letter word that she probably didn’t put there intentionally and mean anything by?
I keep thinking all of this inability to let go is more of a sign that im right and we are right but what if its just my problem and there is no winning situation? I just know what I feel and I cant let go of it completely. I have to hope she comes around and realizes this is different. I’ve admitted about being wrong about nearly everything I’ve done the last few years and im fine with it I understand it but im not going to say im wrong about this. I’m not wrong. I may not get the out come I want but I’m not wrong.
I may not know how other people feel but I do know how I feel and no one loves her more than me and I don’t know if anyone ever could. I’ve been more honest with myself in the last three weeks than in the last 5 years and I know better now than ever exactly how I feel and what’s important. How long can I hold this out?
Today was one of my first really bad days in a while. I mean obviously I haven’t been happy but I’ve done real well with positive outlook shit and self improvement but today I just wanted to throw it all away. I didn’t see my future working I didnt see why I should still be trying. Ironically I took a big step to help with my future by downloading several A+ certification tests and taking them and writing down my wrong answers to study them (I failed by 7 points with no studying). Instead of other days thinking “well I love her and im going to show her I have it all” it was more of a “well I love her and that’s going to fuck me so hard” and I don’t understand what did it or maybe that’s just reality sinking in. hopefully tomorrow will be better, I have faith it can be.
My mom called today, I went on a huge like 40 minutes chat with her about everything because I have no one to talk to and I know she will listen. She knew the jist that it had happened that it was my fault etc. I gave her a lot more details how shitty I was, how stupid I was to not commit, how shes already fucking keith and how much that hurt and keiths role before and how he made me feel. Fucking everything. She’s a good mom she listened to it all, told me a was a moron which is okay because I knew it. she told me the way I used to talk about brittny sometimes made her think “did he really do that.” So everyone saw it but me. How naive could I be?
I think part of all this is I had been telling myself “just give her some time and you’ll have some time to get yourself together and straightened out. Then you can try hanging out and being friends and prove that I mean everything I’ve said and get her back and make my life back complete except this time healthy and with forward progress ahead” with keith already in the picture and to the extent he is I don’t think I feel like im going to have much of a chance to prove myself. He seems to be doing about what I had been and it took her three years to get out of that with me and I cant wait three years for her to get rid of keith.
I feel like im going in circles everyday with no choice but to keep going. How many different ways can I write that I love her so much and that I was so wrong and that im not going to be that person again? It hasn’t been a month and I feel like I’ve been alone for a year. The worst part is knowing there is NOTHING I can do to help myself get where I want to be with her. I’ve dove into the other things I told myself I need to be doing I have a couple options where to live and considering how its going at matts I’ll be moving soon. I’ve started now on certification training just need to get to a level where I feel like im ready to spend 300$ on tests since you pay it pass or fail. I can see progress on those and I cant see anything on brittny. I have no idea what’s in her head at all, only a few of my not so favorite actions. Even if I knew what as in her head I don’t think shes very certain about much and it may change day-to-day depending on if I annoy her that day or if keith does something especially good or vise versa. Still, it would be nice to have some kind of insight. Positive or negative, something. Obviously I’d prefer positive but most of all honesty.
So much I cant grasp. So much that’s changed in my head in the last three weeks its unbelievable. In such a short amount of time for my thought process to have changed so dramatically. Usually I get pretty upset when people don’t believe me but I understand people being skeptical because I’d never have guessed this. I cant even grasp it to describe what all changed or how it happened. I just know that my outlook isn’t anything like it was and my standards how I treat people are not the same. I mean people in general not just a specific person. Not that im not going to be an asshole sometimes ;p it is in my nature but im going to appreciate the people I have around me however many or few that is and im going to treat them accordingly. It seems like something fairly small but I think It will make all the difference in the long run. The majority of the overly asshole or lose my temper shit did happen with brittny but just because I was with her 90% of the time I was with anyone and im more passionate about her than anyone else but I did blow up on other friends before and it has been damaging to those relationships also, that’s why this is going to encompass everything. I’m still me, I’m not going to lose my meness. I am not defined by my inability to treat people properly it was a negative point and a positive change now that im correcting it.
I think I have to keep talking myself up because im worried that every positive change I can make wont offset the negative if I cant have brittny back sometime. Despite my lack of commitment I had everything so sure and planned and now nothing is for sure and I cant seem to make any plans. I’m done with circles for tonight. Lets make it a full rotation and stop where we started. Keith cant love her like I do.
ps. i indeed do not not have internet access at matts anymore so i have to find hotspots around town to do anything, this is so frustrating...one thing on top of another all the time piling up...i also havent heard back in about 24 hours from person who i was planning on deciding to live with...i asked about high speed since shes in the country thinking if she says no i wont go but given how lifes been lately i dont care what she has i'll deal for the time being and go there immediately. its too much to be able to deal with everything thats happening to me without even a place to go relax and unwind. i dont want to spend 5 hours a day at dennys or coffeeshop alone its not fun or enjoyable. it will help me leave brittny alone though,as much as i like knowing i could talk to her online if shes around i cant be around anymore and we dont email or text or anything at all so i'll be pretty gone. today isnt feeling much better than yesterday but its still early.
im going to get my life back.
pps. i never thought id say this in my life but i actually enjoy talking to jen. im not sure why she started iming me, maybe just because she felt bad but when shes not hating me shes a pretty good person and lets me ramble if i need to ;p
I got cut wayyy early at work and was on my own from 3:30 on. went to matts to get my laptop and found out I was taken off his network by Michael for whatever reason and cant even get online in my room. So went to mill mountain about 5 was there till about 10 something which was so boring. Matt wouldn’t go to the mix and brett wanted to go see saw v at midnight and then backed out so I just went to awfuls and played pool alone for a bit.
I ended up leaving because I kept making myself go crazy. I kept seeing brittny and keith’s girls who were cute with guys who looked like dicks. I got jealous over strangers for fucks sake, from the small guiding in the small of their backs, little kisses and touches. Seeing her in any cute girl and them in any couple. What’s going on with me? It’s been over three weeks since I’ve been around her and aside from getting past the initial 24/7 brittny thoughts I haven’t gotten far. I miss her like I couldn’t describe. How do people do this? How come this is so much harder than anything similar I’ve had before?
Keith can’t love her like I do. I know he doesn’t. I know lots of couples and I don’t see anyone with feelings like I have. I’m so masochistic, looking for any possible sign towards the outcome I want. She said at one point “it could be very temporary” with keith. Why very? Is there a reason for very? I could see “it could be temporary or long term” that’s standard but very? Who would hold on to a four letter word that she probably didn’t put there intentionally and mean anything by?
I keep thinking all of this inability to let go is more of a sign that im right and we are right but what if its just my problem and there is no winning situation? I just know what I feel and I cant let go of it completely. I have to hope she comes around and realizes this is different. I’ve admitted about being wrong about nearly everything I’ve done the last few years and im fine with it I understand it but im not going to say im wrong about this. I’m not wrong. I may not get the out come I want but I’m not wrong.
I may not know how other people feel but I do know how I feel and no one loves her more than me and I don’t know if anyone ever could. I’ve been more honest with myself in the last three weeks than in the last 5 years and I know better now than ever exactly how I feel and what’s important. How long can I hold this out?
Today was one of my first really bad days in a while. I mean obviously I haven’t been happy but I’ve done real well with positive outlook shit and self improvement but today I just wanted to throw it all away. I didn’t see my future working I didnt see why I should still be trying. Ironically I took a big step to help with my future by downloading several A+ certification tests and taking them and writing down my wrong answers to study them (I failed by 7 points with no studying). Instead of other days thinking “well I love her and im going to show her I have it all” it was more of a “well I love her and that’s going to fuck me so hard” and I don’t understand what did it or maybe that’s just reality sinking in. hopefully tomorrow will be better, I have faith it can be.
My mom called today, I went on a huge like 40 minutes chat with her about everything because I have no one to talk to and I know she will listen. She knew the jist that it had happened that it was my fault etc. I gave her a lot more details how shitty I was, how stupid I was to not commit, how shes already fucking keith and how much that hurt and keiths role before and how he made me feel. Fucking everything. She’s a good mom she listened to it all, told me a was a moron which is okay because I knew it. she told me the way I used to talk about brittny sometimes made her think “did he really do that.” So everyone saw it but me. How naive could I be?
I think part of all this is I had been telling myself “just give her some time and you’ll have some time to get yourself together and straightened out. Then you can try hanging out and being friends and prove that I mean everything I’ve said and get her back and make my life back complete except this time healthy and with forward progress ahead” with keith already in the picture and to the extent he is I don’t think I feel like im going to have much of a chance to prove myself. He seems to be doing about what I had been and it took her three years to get out of that with me and I cant wait three years for her to get rid of keith.
I feel like im going in circles everyday with no choice but to keep going. How many different ways can I write that I love her so much and that I was so wrong and that im not going to be that person again? It hasn’t been a month and I feel like I’ve been alone for a year. The worst part is knowing there is NOTHING I can do to help myself get where I want to be with her. I’ve dove into the other things I told myself I need to be doing I have a couple options where to live and considering how its going at matts I’ll be moving soon. I’ve started now on certification training just need to get to a level where I feel like im ready to spend 300$ on tests since you pay it pass or fail. I can see progress on those and I cant see anything on brittny. I have no idea what’s in her head at all, only a few of my not so favorite actions. Even if I knew what as in her head I don’t think shes very certain about much and it may change day-to-day depending on if I annoy her that day or if keith does something especially good or vise versa. Still, it would be nice to have some kind of insight. Positive or negative, something. Obviously I’d prefer positive but most of all honesty.
So much I cant grasp. So much that’s changed in my head in the last three weeks its unbelievable. In such a short amount of time for my thought process to have changed so dramatically. Usually I get pretty upset when people don’t believe me but I understand people being skeptical because I’d never have guessed this. I cant even grasp it to describe what all changed or how it happened. I just know that my outlook isn’t anything like it was and my standards how I treat people are not the same. I mean people in general not just a specific person. Not that im not going to be an asshole sometimes ;p it is in my nature but im going to appreciate the people I have around me however many or few that is and im going to treat them accordingly. It seems like something fairly small but I think It will make all the difference in the long run. The majority of the overly asshole or lose my temper shit did happen with brittny but just because I was with her 90% of the time I was with anyone and im more passionate about her than anyone else but I did blow up on other friends before and it has been damaging to those relationships also, that’s why this is going to encompass everything. I’m still me, I’m not going to lose my meness. I am not defined by my inability to treat people properly it was a negative point and a positive change now that im correcting it.
I think I have to keep talking myself up because im worried that every positive change I can make wont offset the negative if I cant have brittny back sometime. Despite my lack of commitment I had everything so sure and planned and now nothing is for sure and I cant seem to make any plans. I’m done with circles for tonight. Lets make it a full rotation and stop where we started. Keith cant love her like I do.
ps. i indeed do not not have internet access at matts anymore so i have to find hotspots around town to do anything, this is so frustrating...one thing on top of another all the time piling up...i also havent heard back in about 24 hours from person who i was planning on deciding to live with...i asked about high speed since shes in the country thinking if she says no i wont go but given how lifes been lately i dont care what she has i'll deal for the time being and go there immediately. its too much to be able to deal with everything thats happening to me without even a place to go relax and unwind. i dont want to spend 5 hours a day at dennys or coffeeshop alone its not fun or enjoyable. it will help me leave brittny alone though,as much as i like knowing i could talk to her online if shes around i cant be around anymore and we dont email or text or anything at all so i'll be pretty gone. today isnt feeling much better than yesterday but its still early.
im going to get my life back.
pps. i never thought id say this in my life but i actually enjoy talking to jen. im not sure why she started iming me, maybe just because she felt bad but when shes not hating me shes a pretty good person and lets me ramble if i need to ;p