at work
as much as im trying to regain control of my life it seems like everything comes down to waiting on other people or living how they allow. waiting on brittny, or waiting to hear about house, or living by the means matts step dad allows me at their house. i dont really feel that i've taken many positive steps sometimes but i know i have. i know that admitting how wrong i had been with brittny is a huge step. i could never fix a problem without admitting it existed. honestly i feel like that is a more positive step than anything else, how you treat people is more important than most things in life because when anything can be taken away....houses, jobs, etc if you treat people properly they will always be there.
what have i done?
-made the initial steps to change my attitude towards people in general and even shown myself that i can control myself if i try. i cant say i was entirely sure i could do it but i have done it and i was pretty proud.
-taken steps to practice and study for A+ certification tests. i've boughtn and downloaded two practice exam programs and spent some time taking the first last night and writing down all my inncorrect answers so i can study them.
-been actively searching for houses on craigslist daily as well as put my own add up saying i needed a place so trying on both fronts to get something to work. i've emailed eveyrone back, even those i wasnt interested in to thank them for the offer and time.
-i have been at least somewhat attempting to talk to new people but its difficult when alone places.
-oh i just realized as i accepted extra work at work that i've been trying there. instead fo asking to leave when i get cut i've been telling them id rather stay but if they need me to go i will and this will be fourth time i've y-corded (which means a new person listens to me to my job then i listen and help them for an hour and half or so). i avoided these before and took my job so non chalantly because it wasnt important. now im treating it how brittny treats hers, shes my role model for this because it worked for her. why would any job take me seriously for other positions if i dont take the one i have seriously and do my best? i think its too late for orvis but never too late to learn how to do it and practice at current job.
i've decided while on breek that im going to apply for fishing department, they had actually asked me to a while ago and i assumed to get rid of me. i dont know anything about fly fishing, rods, reels, flies, anything but i know three guys now who have gone over with no knowledge and are doing fine. it's a pay increase to 11 an hour and 11.50 (between 6pm-6am) but it has paid holidays and vacation time and supposedly is much easier work also but thats not really whats important. granted it's not the job i want in long term but in short term it could be helpful for me.
i dont know what im doing really or what i should do or what's best at this point but i know most of what i had done wasnt right. be it with brittny, job, life. it wasnt moving forward it wasnt how a 23 year old should be so i need to try new things. positive steps in a forward direction. obviously the one i want most i cant take any steps toward so i'll have to try best i can to focus on other aspects and hope she comes back.
she texted me once i got to work, said hi and hoped i had a good day. it was nice to see but hope it wasnt pitty message or something...i should take it at face value as a nice gesture and caring. she could be a lot worse to me i act like everything is awful but she could say fuck you i like keith now leave me alone. she could do any number of things that she doesnt and i appreciate the treatment i get. i really do. from both her and jen. whether its sympathy or not. it's still nice.
on a completely side note. not being able to get online is affecting more than my own selfish whining and public confessing on here. it makes it much harder for me to stay in easy contact with melina or bianca. i cant get on gmail at work and its hard to send long detailed replies via my phone. bianca is going through what id imagine has to be one of the hardest things shes ever done and i cant even give a decent reply. since no one reads this i dont think she will mind me bringing it up but she recently had a miscarriage. we'd been talking because she was terrified to tell her bf she was pregnant, she thought he would leave her and her biological clock told her she needed this child and no to abortions or adoption.
i of course being me and overly realistic i was all for some form of termination because i know her and i know her situation moneywise and if she were alone it would be very hard but of course would back any choice she made as it is her life my opinions are only my life. i was a bit worried about her bf reaction shes had some other stressful things recently too. i hadnt heard from her in a couple days and last night got the email about the miscarriage and couldnt even reply properly.
it's a tough subject anywya i pride myself on being good with other poeples problems and enjoying being helpful but i dont know a lot about miscarriages or seen anyone go through it on a personal level but i'd assume its absolutely devistating, especially if you really wanted the kid. she has yet to even tell brian and she needs to correct that asap i really dont now if he would stay or go if she had a kid but with the kid gone he can rest at ease and i think he is a good enough man to be there for her and she can't do this alone it will destroy her. there's only but so much i can do and brian has the ability to do much more and she needs it badly.
lunchtime...then y-cord for three hours then work for two more and go home. this was nice to do during the day.