Living Right Is In the Trying

[reticentric]

Chapter Four

An hour and a half later and Dean still wasn’t too sure that his eyes hadn’t played some fucked up kinda trick on him. Or that he hadn’t accidentally gotten some kinda contact high from the weed Andy had obviously been smoking off and on between reading minds. Which sort of begged the question how he had any brain cells left that could function enough to read someone’s thoughts but that wasn’t important. What was important was the fact that Castiel had freaken wings growing out of his back. How did someone have wings? Real damn wings with glossy feathers and everything. It just didn’t make sense.

Dean had a million questions but he didn’t know if they would be welcomed. Cas had probably already answered them like a hundred times anyway from random strangers. He was probably tired of talking about them. But maybe I should go say somethin’ so that he knows I’m not like freaked out about them or anything. Yeah I don’t think that would hurt.

He had to deal with these people as long as he stayed after all and he didn’t want to make any unnecessary waves.

Exhaling deeply, he ran his fingers through his hair and left his trailer to traipse slowly over to Castiel’s. He stared at the door for a second, told himself to stop acting like a little pussy and then knocked, squaring his shoulders as if ready for a fight. The door opened and Castiel smiled down at him before stepping to the side silently and beckoning him inside.

“Hope I’m not bothering you.” Dean said walking in. He wasn’t surprised that the interior was impeccably clean and orderly.

Castiel shook his head shutting the door. “Actually I have been expecting you. Logically you would have questions after seeing my presentation.” He moved over to his couch and sat down. “Feel free to ask whatever you wish.”

Dean sighed and shuffled in place before joining him. “Don’t you get tired of people asking you shit?”

Castiel cocked his head to the side and it was so freaken bird-like that Dean nearly snorted. “Most do not stay long enough to ask anything. Balthazar escorts them away after their allotted paid for minutes have passed.”

“Balthazar huh? He the dick who shoved me out of your tent?” He inquired with a frown.

“Yes. I am sorry if he was rude to you. I had seen a lot of people and I think he assumed I was tired.” Castiel folded his hands in his lap. “But I am happy that you are here. From your reaction earlier I did not know how you would handle being around me in the future. They-well they have been known to upset people.”

“Are you kidding me? Dude you have wings. That’s fucken awesome.” Dean grinned at him. “Yeah I got questions but I’d never ditch you ‘cause you’re different.”

Castiel visibly relaxed. “Thank you.” Pause. “So what do you wish to know?”

Good question. Everything? “Um I don’t know. They’re real, right? I mean I know I saw them growing out of your back but you don’t have them out now so how does that even work?”

Castiel hummed thoughtfully. “They are real but honestly I am not sure how they are-they simply are. I am able to keep them inside of me until I wish to release them. My back aches on occasion because of it, and there are scars for when they emerge. I suppose I should let them out more but…” He trailed off, a haunting look entering his eyes before he forced it away. “I’ve never been tested or studied so I do not know how they, fit as it were. I have come to think that they somehow meld to my bones. Contract.”

Dean’s gaze twitched to his shoulders. “Does it hurt when they come out?”

“A little but it is a pain I am used to.”

“When did they first show up?”

“Puberty.”

“Is it like-I mean do your parents have them?”

“I never knew my parents so I cannot accurately answer that question.”

By his tone Dean could tell it was a sore spot so he immediately dropped it. If there was anything he knew something about, it was topics not up for discussion. He had more than he cared to remember. “And you’re okay with people paying to see them? Do you ever get any creeps?”

“At first their attention bothered me but over the years I became accustomed to it. Most are reoccurring. Some are the faithfully devoted who look upon me as an angel. I have been told it is calming for them to see my wings.” He explained. “There have been a few people who tried to touch or who obviously wished to cause me some type of harm, but that is why Balthazar sticks around. To make sure no one oversteps my boundaries.”

Dean rolled his eyes humorously. “I bet you could kick their ass if you had to.”

“True. However I am not certain I would fare as well with a crowd.” Castiel stood and drifted into his kitchenette. “Also the wings are heavy so I could be incapacitated if someone were to pin them down.”

So much to take in; is this real life? “Can you fly?”

Castiel laughed. “I have honestly never tried, Dean. Perhaps one day I will.”

Dean hoped he was around to see it even if the idea of flying terrified him. He bet it would look cool, like something you would see in a movie. “Well for what it’s worth I think you’re amazing. You guys are cool and you can do cool shit.” While I’m a high school dropout ex con with self esteem issues. Nice.

Castiel pulled a bottle of water out of his fridge. “Yes but there are things that you can do that we can’t. And to the outside world we are seen as freaks unlike a handsome man that I am sure fits in everywhere.”

“Heh yeah, no. I have fucken horrible people skills. I come off like a damn psycho sometimes. Chicks dig me but you know how that goes.” A beat. “Wait. You think I’m handsome?”

And then Castiel did his shtick of going completely blank faced. If Dean was the kinda dude who always needed to know what others were thinking it would have drove him insane. “I was simply making a point.”

“Hm the point that I’m a handsome ass devil.” Dean teased. “I think that’s the second time you’ve told me how hot I am. Third times a charm ya know?”

Castiel huffed out an exasperated breath but it lacked heat. “After a successful show Gabriel invites everyone to dinner. The Roadhouse provides most of the food and drink. I am sure he would love for you to join us.”

At the mention of food Dean’s stomach growled loudly. “Sounds good to me.” He groaned as he got up. “Ya know I meant what I said Cas. You’re pretty awesome.”

He didn’t miss the pleased little half smile that Castiel got as he left. So the weird little dude had wings. It could have been something bad like tentacles or horns. And he was being honest when he said he didn’t care. Actually it was kinda hot and he wasn’t sure what it said about him that he found wings to be sexy but he did. If there was a term for people who liked birds way too much he bet Sam would know it. Nerd knew all that kinda useless shit.

Wouldn’t mind finding out why he has them though, He thought to himself. Were they just some kinda birth defect like an extra finger or whatever? Or a tail? That made a little sense and it wasn’t like he was an actual angel or anything. No angel in their right mind would chill on this stupid ass planet when they could be up in Heaven floating on a cloud and shit.

He could get why people thought Castiel was an angel but he couldn’t let himself go there. It would just fuck him up even more and he didn’t want the faith he once had to rear its’ ugly head ever again. He was just fine in believing in nothing. Including himself.

~*~

“Good take tonight?” Gabriel questioned as he set the long sturdy table.

“Hm? Oh yes.” Castiel replied making sure the stakes of the beige canopy covering the table were firmly in the ground.

Gabriel poked a fork at him. “I heard Dean stopped by.”

Castiel nodded. “Yes and he was very…understanding.”

Gabriel flashed him a look but didn’t comment, instead shoving a red sucker into his mouth. Castiel folded his arms across his button down blue shirt and silently thanked him. Gabriel always meant well but he often had an odd way of helping when it wasn’t simply saving someone by giving them a place to stay. He was quite nosy most of the time and Castiel knew that just because he escaped interrogation this time he wouldn’t be so lucky later. He was never malicious though so that softened his other faults.

Castiel was ecstatic that Dean had looked upon him with awe and not disgust. He had not been lying when he’d revealed some people had horrible reactions to his wings. He had lost count of the time he’d been called a freak or nearly been attacked because of them. Some people-it was as if their brains couldn’t rationalize what they were seeing so they lashed out. Violently.

The good thing however was that usually those people never returned to see him again. Though he was not sure if he disliked them more than the ones that saw him as a religious symbol to pray to. While he would never begrudge anyone their faith, he realized it was completely misplaced when it was aimed at him. As were their whispered words of nephilim.

He was just a man with wings and nothing more. He didn’t wish to be anything else.

But if seeing him made them happy then he could endure whatever they wished to call him.

The sound of truck wheels over rocks alerted the arrival of the Harvelles. Castiel watched as mother and daughter exited their vehicle, both carrying silver trays of food. He could remember the first time he’d met them and somehow found himself in a drinking contest with Ellen. He’d learned afterwards that he had quite a high tolerance for alcohol even though he didn’t see himself drinking much in the future. Everyone assumed it had something to do with his wings. Gabriel had joked that it could be his second talent; drinking men twice his size under the table in Tequila.

Castiel liked Ellen and Jo. They were good people and they treated everyone like they belonged. He also liked Ellen’s urge to mother those around her, always making sure they had enough food or got enough rest. Even Rufus who was as crabby as they came smiled whenever she forced an extra plate of chicken on him.

Jo on the other hand got along well with most of the men in Gabriel’s troupe. She wasn’t girly enough for Ava so their friendship was surface based at best. But Andy and Jake loved her and would often disappear to the Roadhouse to play pool or some other type of game with her. She was a good person underneath her-at times-selfishness and bratty behavior. Like her mother when she’d seen his wings for the first time she’d muttered a low holy shit but had not proceeded to treat him any differently. For that he was grateful.

They went about taking the foil covers off the food, laughing at Gabriel’s tasteless jokes. One by one the others migrated out of their trailers and over to the table; it was a dance they all knew very well. Dean arrived with Andy, the two of them talking about the painting in Andy’s tent. Castiel was happy that Dean was getting along well with the others. He was very guarded but apparently he deemed them worthy of at least letting them see through a small crack in his walls.

His expression at seeing Castiel’s wings was burned into Castiel’s skull. Through the years many had looked upon him with wonder but only a small few with grace. It was as if Dean understood how wings could be a blessing and a curse. It was also very obvious that he wanted to touch them. Most did. Children would go so far as to request feathers. While he found it a common reaction-the urge to touch-that usually amused him with Dean there was something more. His wings had never shivered to their tips before like they did after Balthazar had pushed Dean outside.

Scratching at his scruffy cheek which felt warm beneath his fingertips, he snapped back to attention once Dean and Andy were seated. The chair to Dean’s left was empty and he moved towards it but Jo beat him there, plopping down happily. His jaw ticked in irritation and as usual Gabriel noticed because Gabriel noticed everything.

Chuckling to himself, he sat down at the head of the table and made Jake move down one seat. “I want Castiel to sit near me tonight! C’mon bro, aren’t you hungry?”

Castiel resisted the desire to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Yes I am.” He took his seat; it was directly in front of Dean.

“So…” Gabriel drawled cheerfully as the food was passed around so that everyone could get what they wanted. “How was your first night, Dean? Ready to run screaming for the hills yet?”

Dean snickered and dropped a giant spoonful of mashed potatoes onto his plate. “Nah I’m good.”

Gabriel grinned. “Good that’s good. Rufus hasn’t complained about you yet so I think he likes you.”

The man in question snorted. “I never said that.”

“Your eyes said it.” Gabriel taunted. “In any case I think it’s good Deano decided to shack up here. New blood never hurt anything.”

“I agree.” Jo voiced putting a napkin into her lap. “Even if he is too chicken shit to play me in a fair game of pool.”

Dean huffed at her. “Fine I’ll play you again but don’t go crying to mama when I beat your ass.”

Ellen popped open her beer. “My baby girl can handle herself. I’m only there for moral support.”

Jo beamed at her mother’s praise and bumped her shoulder into Dean’s, sliding her chair closer to his. Castiel frowned at his green beans. He wasn’t accustomed to jealously…if that was in fact what he was experiencing. He couldn’t honestly be sure. He just knew he didn’t like Jo flirting with Dean.

“Yeah well when I win I don’t wanna hear any whining.” Dean murmured.

“We should make some kinda bet.” Jo suggested. “If you win, you can be the undisputed champion forever and I will never bring it up again.”

“And if you win?”

“If I win, you take me out somewhere nice and buy me dinner. And flowers.”

Jake chortled. “You hate flowers.”

She glared at him. “I could learn to like them.”

I like flowers, Castiel thought idly. “Pool is an infuriating game,” he said aloud. “The logistics appear simple but active play is not.”

Dean looked under the table and tapped his sneaker with his boot. “Spoken like a dude who can’t play. Next time we both get some time off I’m gonna teach you. Soon you’ll be hustling pool with the best of ‘em.”

Castiel really liked the sound of that. “I would very much like to learn. Thank you for offering to teach me.”

“Did you learn how to play pool in jail?” Gabriel asked his eyes wide in mock innocence.

Castiel wanted to kick him under the table. What if Dean didn’t want that news out in the open?

Dean just smirked and reached for the salt. “No. I uh, had a few unsavory friends back in the day and they taught me.”

“You were in prison?” Balthazar inquired, all British disdain. “Should we be locking up our valuables?”

“No.” Dean said slowly. “And yeah I was in jail for a year. I stole a car.”

Balthazar poured himself a glass of Scotch. “That sounds like a very idiotic thing to do.”

“Balthazar.” Castiel chastised. “I’m sure Dean had a reason for committing such an act. To vilify him without all of the facts would not be fair.”

Balthazar shrugged. “I just wonder should we be worried about our safety now that we’re harboring a hardened criminal.”

Gabriel laughed/snorted. “Hardened criminal, hardly. I’ve met old people more vicious that Dean here. Remember Gloria and her walker of death? Now that is one ninety year old I would never want to meet in a dark alley.”

Dean brought his drink to his lips, smirking around the rim. “Hey I’m not some cuddly teddy bear either. But there is no need to be worried. I’m not psycho, I just made some stupid decisions and I served my time for them.”

Jo rubbed his shoulder. “We’ve all did stupid things at one point or another. Believe me when I say you’re surrounded by good company.”

“I’ll drink to that!” Andy exclaimed gleefully.

Everyone lifted their glasses in a sort of mock toast and continued eating, the conversation light and friendly. Dean had been among them for nearly two days and yet he already fit in. For some reason that thought pleased Castiel. He hated thinking about Dean all alone on the open road with only the sounds of his music to keep him company.

“Castiel, you’re quiet tonight.” Ava reached across him for another roll. “Everything okay?”

Gabriel decided to answer for him. “He flashed Dean the goods earlier. First time and all.”

“Ooh really?” Jo giggled. “What did you think Dean? We’ve got our own bird man.”

I hate that description.

Dean swallowed the food in his mouth. “I think he’s awesome.” He winked at Castiel. “I can see why people keep coming back for more.”

“Yeah. Castiel’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.” Gabriel snickered, hitting Jake in the back when he choked a little on his roast beef. “You’d think he’d be drowning in admirers by now too.”

All eyes turned to him and Castiel gripped his spoon tightly. “Why would I want admirers who only wish to be around me for my wings? A fetish is a fetish even when it is unconventional.”

“That makes sense.” His friend replied. “I think we all want someone who wants us for us and not how cool we are.”

Max Miller snorted. “I just wanna get laid. Forget all the sappy, with me until we die crap. I wish I had freaken wings so that chicks would be throwing themselves at me.”

Dean gestured at him. “We haven’t met. What can you do?”

Max rubbed his hands together and hovered one over his knife, making it tremble and leap off the table into his palm. “I can also bend spoons and shit.”

“He usually broods alone though.” Andy joked. “Except for when it’s time to eat.”

Max flipped him off and Andy blew him a kiss, and the conversation continued.

Castiel was not the type of person to give much thought to things like relationships. He enjoyed the friendly companionship of those around him-some more than others-but when it came to sexual attraction he could honestly say he had not felt it before. Well that was perhaps a lie. Young men would come to see him and some would be very handsome. A few would even slip him their phone numbers but in the end he’d never call. Balthazar always said he’d made the right choice because they were strangers and couldn’t be trusted. Gabriel just wanted him to have sex. “At least once before you die, bro,” is what he would say.

While they were not related he did look upon Gabriel as a brother. Surely he was as annoying as one.

In all honestly Castiel had a sinking suspicion that Gabriel’s crass wishes for him to copulate actually went deeper. Gabriel wanted him to have someone; someone special that cared about him unconditionally and would take care of him. He never spoke about the distant future often but when he did, it was always about what everyone would do if he wasn’t around anymore. More than anything Gabriel wanted them to be okay even if he was not around to assure it.

Dinner went on for about another hour and after everyone was done eating, they sat around talking a bit more before the yawning came. It was Jake and Andy’s turn to clean up which they went about with much pouting and bickering. Ava being the sweetheart that she was stuck around to help them; it would fuel Gabriel’s clams that she had a crush on both men of course but she didn’t seem to care.

“You did good.” Castiel overheard Rufus telling Dean. “Get some sleep. Tomorrow I want you to help me take a look at this old junker on a friend of mine’s property.”

“Okay.” Dean rubbed at his face and yawned. He looked up at the starry night sky and smiled to himself.

Castiel wished he could have captured the moment to hold onto forever. Obviously he was experiencing some small measure of peace that was not easy to come by otherwise. Yet it suited him very well. He almost hated to interrupt. “Dean?”

“Hm?” He turned with sleepy green eyes.

“I-did you enjoy dinner?” Gabriel would no doubt constitute that sentence as lame.

Dean smiled and nodded. “I did. Could have used some pie though. Maybe next time I’ll make one or something.”

“I think everyone would like that.”

“Eh they should reserve judgment until they taste it. My cooking can be kinda hit and miss.”

“I enjoyed the meal you prepared for us the other day.”

“That’s ‘cause you’re one of a kind, Cas.”

Castiel felt warmth bloom in the center of his chest and he smoothed his hand over it. Should he be worried that Dean’s words could affect him after so little time knowing each other?

A hand at the small of his back made him jump. “Balthazar. You startled me.”

His friend offered an apologetic grin. “Sorry Cassy. Shall I escort you to your trailer?”

Dean lifted a brow. “Is he in danger of something out here?”

Balthazar scowled. “Wouldn’t most find an ex con to be dangerous? I mean they say on the television how we’re supposed to call the cops if we run into one.”

Dean jaw ticked. “Actually that’s escaped convicts. I was let out free and clear.”

Balthazar waved a hand as if the particulars didn’t matter. “Yes well, be that as it may you’ll excuse me if I’m wary for myself or my friends.”

Castiel tsked him. “Balthazar, Dean would never harm me. I don’t think he has it in him to truly harm anyone.”

“Better safe than sorry.” Balthazar replied flippantly.

“Fuck you.” Dean snapped. “You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me.”

“Yes. That is the whole point darling.” Balthazar responded. “None of us know anything about you. You could be an axe murderer but as long as you are down on your luck Gabriel will take you in.”

This is slightly odd. I have never seen Balthazar react this way to someone who had not made me uncomfortable during a show. “Balthazar I am fine. Besides you promised to help Gabriel dismantle the tarp just in case it rains. I am sure he would like for you to help him sooner rather than later so that you both can turn in for the night.”

Balthazar appeared as if he wanted to protest but at the last minute decided against it. He patted Castiel’s back and glared at Dean as he walked off.

Castiel exhaled. “I apologize for Balthazar. He is just-he is just protective of me because I was the first friend he made when he arrived here. He means no harm or offense.”

“Yeah.” Dean was not swayed. “He’s still a giant bag of dicks. Anyway I’m tired so I’m going to hit the hay. Night Cas.”

Castiel pursed his lips together at Dean’s retreating back. “Goodnight Dean…”

“I wouldn’t worry about him if I were you.” Wiping her hands dry on a tattered dishcloth, Ava sidled up beside him. “Dean’s a strong guy.”

“And his future?” Castiel didn’t wish to pry. “I am not asking you to break confidence, I am just curious if there is anything that could hurt him.”

She shook her head. “Nope. Well nothing that will leave any lasting scars.” A beat. “You know out of everyone here Castiel; your future has never changed. From the day I met you it’s been consistent.” She rocked back on her wedge heels. “Until now.”

He frowned at her. “Should I be alarmed?”

Ava chuckled softly. “No, of course not. I only mentioned it because it amused me. It’s like you’re bouncing out of a rut.”

“I see.” He muttered. “Perhaps you can give me an in depth reading when there is more time.”

She nodded with a small grin. “Whatever you want.”

Chapter Five