live through this disguise.
live through this disguise
Liam/Zayn. This was supposed to be about Zayn's unrequited love but if I didn't write a happy ending, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night (even though it's 4am right now...), so.
The first time he talks to Liam is in McDonald's and it's because he thinks he has a really nice smile. And, yeah, he's been attracted to guys before, but it's never been like this. Because he has a ridiculous Justin Bieber haircut, and puppy-dog eyes, and he looks solid and dependable and safe and none of the things Zayn usually looks for.
He sits down across from him before he can change his mind.
"Hey, I like your voice," he says, because that's casual, that's not a come-on, it's just an honest compliment, and then he steals one of his fries.
Liam looks a bit startled but then smiles at him and goes a little red. Zayn thinks he's one of those people who never quite believe how good they are, no matter how many times they're told. He's kind of like that too.
"Thanks," he says, a little too late. "I saw you too - I mean, you're really good."
"Thanks. You're Liam, right?" Like he doesn't know.
"Yeah. It's nice to meet you. Properly, I mean." He wipes his hand on a napkin before shaking Zayn's, and Zayn grins.
"I'm Zayn," he says, and he probably holds his hand too long before letting go.
It's weird, his flirting in public, flirting at all, with this stranger, this guy who's probably completely straight with a girlfriend waiting back home. But that - that's just it. It's safer this way. Safer because nothing's going to come of it. Maybe they won't make it through and they'll never see each other again, or they will and they'll become friends, or only one of them will and the other will have a cool story to tell until it gets old and worn out.
Maybe none of these things will happen.
*
They get put into a band, and the world kind of stops spinning for a moment, before Louis jumps into Harry's arms and Niall starts bouncing up and down like he's going to fly away at any moment. (And he knows their names, not much else, at this point.)
Liam pulls him into a hug, and he needs it, relief coursing through him.
And he thinks, yeah, okay, they're going to be friends. They're going to be more than that. They're going to do this together.
*
The first thing he learns about being in One Direction is that he's going to have to deal with complete invasion of his privacy and personal space. They pretty much all see each other naked within the first few days and they have a couple games of truth or dare where pretty much all their deepest, darkest secrets come out. But he gets accustomed to it after a while, Louis sprawling all over him and trying to bite his neck or grope him, Harry thinking he's a great pillow to cuddle and sleep on, Niall stealing his cigarettes out of his mouth because he thinks he looks cool. What's worse is Liam's soft, reassuring touches and his softer smiles and the way he looks at him like he wants to know everything going on inside his head.
Zayn's never been good at expressing his emotions, physically or verbally. And he's so confused these days about what he's been feeling. He wants this to work out, he's sure of that. That's the only thing he really knows.
So he smiles back at Liam, nods at him to tell him, yeah, everything's okay. Everything's fine. He's totally committed to the band, and everything else is secondary.
*
They move into the X Factor house, and it's suddenly so real and daunting and awesome all at the same time. Because they're going to be on live national TV and people are going to know their names and maybe cheer for them, vote for them. And they'll be famous. He gets caught up in all the excitement and activity in the house for a while before he really thinks about what that could mean. What it could mean for him. And then he realises he can't do it alone anymore.
He tells Liam first. He's not really sure why, because he hasn't told anyone, not even his parents; he hasn't even really thought about it much before this, all the implications of it. But Liam's his friend, or he wants him to be anyway; he wants to be honest with him because he trusts Liam and he doesn't trust a lot of people. But it's also because - Liam's new, they all are, they're this new, bright, shining thing suddenly at the centre of his life, and they represent all these dreams he's never dared to have before that seem to now be right within his reach. He has this chance, this chance so few people get, and it feels like an opportunity to start over, to be someone else, someone braver maybe. Or to finally be himself.
"So, um, I like guys." And fuck, he thought he couldn't get any more awkward.
"Oh, so -" He only looks rattled for a second, and Zayn's pretty impressed. "You're -"
"Bisexual, really. I think. I mean, I like girls too."
"Oh. Okay." He hasn't blinked in a while though, which is worrying.
"I just - I thought I should say. Because I mean, I don't know if that would make things weird or anything -"
"What?" He seems to snap out of it. "Why would it make things weird?"
"I don't know. It's just - living in close quarters, a bunch of guys -"
"I don't see why that would be a problem," Liam says, and it's genuine, he knows.
"So you're not uncomfortable?"
"Of course not. But are you?" And his scrutinising look makes Zayn feel so exposed, but he knows his question is out of concern, not out of any kind of malice. That probably makes it worse, actually.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he says, pretty unconvincingly. "Do you - should I tell them?"
Liam sighs a little.
"You didn't have to tell me if you didn't want to. And you don't have to tell the lads either."
"Okay."
"Okay," Liam says, smiling encouragingly at him. He does that weird, spastic thing where Zayn knows he wants to hug him, but he just drops a hand on his shoulder, squeezes, then turns around to go.
"Hey, Liam?"
He turns back around kind of comically fast.
"Yeah?"
"I wanted to. I wanted to tell you, I mean."
His smile this time is full of unbridled affection.
*
They all find out eventually. Louis makes a big deal out of asking him if he thinks he's attractive, if his ass looks good in these pants, if he'd hit it, honestly, tell me. Harry tells him, seriously, that he's been thinking about experimenting and asks if he'd be willing. (Louis just gapes at him before they all dissolve into laughter and Liam tells them they're dicks. Zayn laughs too though.) Niall doesn't give a fuck, tells them all to shut up, he's trying to hear the telly. Life goes on.
Liam gives him a pointed look. "See?" he says. "No one cares."
Maybe a small part of him wishes they did though. That he'd be shunned or kicked out the band. So he wouldn't have to deal with his stupid insecurities about what people would think about him, wouldn't have to deal with his fucking feelings for Liam.
*
Liam gets a girlfriend, and she's lovely, she's a dancer, she's everything he should have. Everything he deserves. And maybe he should move on now. Maybe it's all been ridiculous and pointless. His thing with Rebecca fizzles out because he's distracted, has always been, hasn't even tried to hide it. And Liam is worried, as always, and it's so fucking earnest, he wants to smash something. He wants to go back in time and not fall for his eyes and his smile that still makes his insides warm up and his voice that still makes chills run up and down his spine. He wants to forget. He wants to press him up against a hard surface and make him forget, make them both forget, with biting kisses and rough touches, that anything else exists.
Instead, he doesn't flinch, like he always does, when Liam starts leaning in. He lets him hold him, gently. He feels so small, suddenly, in his arms, Liam's body encompassing him, firm and soft, all at once. He doesn't think he'll ever fully get rid of the feeling. He'll wake up smelling like him. He'll get random sensations like the way his hair had tickled his neck. He'll feel that same warmth every time he's near.
He kind of wants to scrub it all off, make his skin raw and red and empty, empty, empty.
He presses it all inside, though, compacted and burning, and keeps it there, near.
*
Liam hardly ever asks him questions directly. Since he first told him, he's trusted Zayn to open up whenever he's ready. Louis asks him for all the sordid details, because he's obnoxious like that. Harry asks him probing questions like he's writing a thesis on human sexuality or something. Niall still doesn't care, but when they meet Justin Bieber in the studio, he turns to Zayn and says, bluntly, "I would." Zayn grimaces, but nods.
He doesn't hook up with a lot of guys, really, between all the travelling they've been doing, the attention they've been getting, and yeah, some calls from management in the middle of the night about "discretion." Nothing gets out though. And the fangirls are too busy asking questions about Harry and Louis' weird-ass relationship that they never waste an opportunity to encourage. (He's not sure if it would be even weirder if it was indeed sexual or if that would somehow make it more normal.) He's told his parents though, in case anything did ever get out. It went a lot better than he expected, really, and he's grateful for that. Grateful that the people he really cares about hasn't let it affect them. He's finally realised that everyone else doesn't matter.
They're lying in Liam's hotel room in Australia, eating snacks stolen from Niall (and he'll blame Harry so they're in the clear), and watching a movie. Maybe Liam's just bored or curious or they've reached that place where they've already talked about everything else under the sun.
"So, when did you know?"
"Know what?"
"That you liked guys? I mean - you don't have to talk about it - I just -"
"Liam, it's fine. Louis's asked me way more invasive - and disgusting, mind you - stuff than that."
"I just - you know. Whatever you're comfortable with."
"Um, I kind of always knew, I think. In high school, there were a couple guys I liked. I never really did anything with them. I thought it was just a phase for a while, that it might pass. But then -"
"Then what?" Liam says, eyes narrowing.
"Then I met this guy. While we were at bootcamp. I just - it was different. It felt real. It felt like something I could get used to, something that could last."
"What happened with him?"
"I couldn't do this and that too. And it wasn't fair to him."
"God, that must have been awful." He sounds strangely distant though.
"Yeah," Zayn says, honestly. "But I got over it."
*
Perrie's nice and fun to be around, and something for the press to talk about while he's on the other side of the world. The long-distance thing is hard, but maybe it's what he needs, someone else there when it all gets too much. He needs a reprieve, from the weight of his feelings and from Liam being around him all the time and the hopelessness of it all.
Then Liam gets drunk one night and everything he's carefully been trying to build up around himself, the lies and denial and the illusion of happiness, falls to pieces.
*
Liam's banging on his door, and it's 3am, and he thinks he's dreaming or something for a moment. Then he's fully awake and worried that something's happened, something bad -
He almost trips over the sheets, runs to the door, and when he opens it, he literally gets a faceful of Liam.
"What -"
He thinks it's Louis at first, playing a joke, or Harry even, trying to actually force him into his "experimenting," but fuck, it's Liam, and he's insistent and unrelenting and everything he never, ever is, the exact opposite of the last time they'd kissed (and he never, ever thinks about that - partly because they'd pretty much all ended up kissing each other that night - fucking truth or dare again - and partly because he instantly gets hard thinking about it).
He really has to summon all his willpower to push him away though.
"Liam, what. No, you're drunk. We can't. You have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend."
Liam kind of giggles as he practically falls on to Zayn's bed.
"But I like you," he says, like that negates everything.
"You don't know what you're saying." Only he wishes he did. He wishes so much.
"I do - I do know. I just, fuck, Zayn, I should have told you. I should have -"
"Told me what?"
"That I like you. I've always liked you."
"Are you - are you messing with me right now?"
"What? No, I wouldn't. I swear, I wouldn't." He's looking so scared, scared that Zayn actually believes that. And Zayn knows he wouldn't do that to him. He knows. But this actually cannot be happening right now.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know. I just - you told me about you. And you were so lovely and nervous and honest and I just - I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of you, or taking the piss or something. And there was the band - and I didn't want to mess it up. So I kind of panicked."
"You're serious?" Zayn says, staring at him.
"Yeah, yes, absolutely serious."
"Well, you better be, because I've had a massive crush on you since that day in McDonald's." And it's definitely not the way he'd intended on revealing his feelings. Not that he'd ever really intended at all.
"Really?" Liam says, and he's blushing a little, and fuck if it isn't ridiculously adorable.
"Only that's not technically true."
Liam's eyebrows get all furrowed in confusion.
"I've kind of been in love with you since the first time I spoke to you," he says, softly, moving closer to Liam, placing one hand on his cheek.
He hears Liam's breath hitch as he leans in, kissing him properly this time, not hesitant and clumsy, eyes open, like the first, or heavy and rushed, like the second, but perfect, meeting each other in the middle, like they always do.
*
Zayn wakes up with Liam in his arms, and they've woken up in the same bed before but never like this, never with exploring hands and kisses pressed to his neck and Liam never, ever not touching him.
"I love you too, you know," he says, shyly, face pressed to his shoulder.
Zayn just nods.
Liam leans back to look at him, as if suddenly realising something.
"Harry and Louis are going to be so pissed that we came out first," he says.
Zayn grins at him.
"Are we really going to, though?" Liam says a second later, sounding tense.
"After we talk to Danielle and Perrie, we have to talk to the lads, and we'll figure it out. We'll figure it all out."
Liam just looks at him for a moment, and then nods. He lets Zayn tighten his arms around him. And Zayn knows he trusts him completely. Like he's always trusted Liam.
And he trusts that as long as they're together, everything will be fine.
Liam/Zayn. This was supposed to be about Zayn's unrequited love but if I didn't write a happy ending, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night (even though it's 4am right now...), so.
The first time he talks to Liam is in McDonald's and it's because he thinks he has a really nice smile. And, yeah, he's been attracted to guys before, but it's never been like this. Because he has a ridiculous Justin Bieber haircut, and puppy-dog eyes, and he looks solid and dependable and safe and none of the things Zayn usually looks for.
He sits down across from him before he can change his mind.
"Hey, I like your voice," he says, because that's casual, that's not a come-on, it's just an honest compliment, and then he steals one of his fries.
Liam looks a bit startled but then smiles at him and goes a little red. Zayn thinks he's one of those people who never quite believe how good they are, no matter how many times they're told. He's kind of like that too.
"Thanks," he says, a little too late. "I saw you too - I mean, you're really good."
"Thanks. You're Liam, right?" Like he doesn't know.
"Yeah. It's nice to meet you. Properly, I mean." He wipes his hand on a napkin before shaking Zayn's, and Zayn grins.
"I'm Zayn," he says, and he probably holds his hand too long before letting go.
It's weird, his flirting in public, flirting at all, with this stranger, this guy who's probably completely straight with a girlfriend waiting back home. But that - that's just it. It's safer this way. Safer because nothing's going to come of it. Maybe they won't make it through and they'll never see each other again, or they will and they'll become friends, or only one of them will and the other will have a cool story to tell until it gets old and worn out.
Maybe none of these things will happen.
*
They get put into a band, and the world kind of stops spinning for a moment, before Louis jumps into Harry's arms and Niall starts bouncing up and down like he's going to fly away at any moment. (And he knows their names, not much else, at this point.)
Liam pulls him into a hug, and he needs it, relief coursing through him.
And he thinks, yeah, okay, they're going to be friends. They're going to be more than that. They're going to do this together.
*
The first thing he learns about being in One Direction is that he's going to have to deal with complete invasion of his privacy and personal space. They pretty much all see each other naked within the first few days and they have a couple games of truth or dare where pretty much all their deepest, darkest secrets come out. But he gets accustomed to it after a while, Louis sprawling all over him and trying to bite his neck or grope him, Harry thinking he's a great pillow to cuddle and sleep on, Niall stealing his cigarettes out of his mouth because he thinks he looks cool. What's worse is Liam's soft, reassuring touches and his softer smiles and the way he looks at him like he wants to know everything going on inside his head.
Zayn's never been good at expressing his emotions, physically or verbally. And he's so confused these days about what he's been feeling. He wants this to work out, he's sure of that. That's the only thing he really knows.
So he smiles back at Liam, nods at him to tell him, yeah, everything's okay. Everything's fine. He's totally committed to the band, and everything else is secondary.
*
They move into the X Factor house, and it's suddenly so real and daunting and awesome all at the same time. Because they're going to be on live national TV and people are going to know their names and maybe cheer for them, vote for them. And they'll be famous. He gets caught up in all the excitement and activity in the house for a while before he really thinks about what that could mean. What it could mean for him. And then he realises he can't do it alone anymore.
He tells Liam first. He's not really sure why, because he hasn't told anyone, not even his parents; he hasn't even really thought about it much before this, all the implications of it. But Liam's his friend, or he wants him to be anyway; he wants to be honest with him because he trusts Liam and he doesn't trust a lot of people. But it's also because - Liam's new, they all are, they're this new, bright, shining thing suddenly at the centre of his life, and they represent all these dreams he's never dared to have before that seem to now be right within his reach. He has this chance, this chance so few people get, and it feels like an opportunity to start over, to be someone else, someone braver maybe. Or to finally be himself.
"So, um, I like guys." And fuck, he thought he couldn't get any more awkward.
"Oh, so -" He only looks rattled for a second, and Zayn's pretty impressed. "You're -"
"Bisexual, really. I think. I mean, I like girls too."
"Oh. Okay." He hasn't blinked in a while though, which is worrying.
"I just - I thought I should say. Because I mean, I don't know if that would make things weird or anything -"
"What?" He seems to snap out of it. "Why would it make things weird?"
"I don't know. It's just - living in close quarters, a bunch of guys -"
"I don't see why that would be a problem," Liam says, and it's genuine, he knows.
"So you're not uncomfortable?"
"Of course not. But are you?" And his scrutinising look makes Zayn feel so exposed, but he knows his question is out of concern, not out of any kind of malice. That probably makes it worse, actually.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he says, pretty unconvincingly. "Do you - should I tell them?"
Liam sighs a little.
"You didn't have to tell me if you didn't want to. And you don't have to tell the lads either."
"Okay."
"Okay," Liam says, smiling encouragingly at him. He does that weird, spastic thing where Zayn knows he wants to hug him, but he just drops a hand on his shoulder, squeezes, then turns around to go.
"Hey, Liam?"
He turns back around kind of comically fast.
"Yeah?"
"I wanted to. I wanted to tell you, I mean."
His smile this time is full of unbridled affection.
*
They all find out eventually. Louis makes a big deal out of asking him if he thinks he's attractive, if his ass looks good in these pants, if he'd hit it, honestly, tell me. Harry tells him, seriously, that he's been thinking about experimenting and asks if he'd be willing. (Louis just gapes at him before they all dissolve into laughter and Liam tells them they're dicks. Zayn laughs too though.) Niall doesn't give a fuck, tells them all to shut up, he's trying to hear the telly. Life goes on.
Liam gives him a pointed look. "See?" he says. "No one cares."
Maybe a small part of him wishes they did though. That he'd be shunned or kicked out the band. So he wouldn't have to deal with his stupid insecurities about what people would think about him, wouldn't have to deal with his fucking feelings for Liam.
*
Liam gets a girlfriend, and she's lovely, she's a dancer, she's everything he should have. Everything he deserves. And maybe he should move on now. Maybe it's all been ridiculous and pointless. His thing with Rebecca fizzles out because he's distracted, has always been, hasn't even tried to hide it. And Liam is worried, as always, and it's so fucking earnest, he wants to smash something. He wants to go back in time and not fall for his eyes and his smile that still makes his insides warm up and his voice that still makes chills run up and down his spine. He wants to forget. He wants to press him up against a hard surface and make him forget, make them both forget, with biting kisses and rough touches, that anything else exists.
Instead, he doesn't flinch, like he always does, when Liam starts leaning in. He lets him hold him, gently. He feels so small, suddenly, in his arms, Liam's body encompassing him, firm and soft, all at once. He doesn't think he'll ever fully get rid of the feeling. He'll wake up smelling like him. He'll get random sensations like the way his hair had tickled his neck. He'll feel that same warmth every time he's near.
He kind of wants to scrub it all off, make his skin raw and red and empty, empty, empty.
He presses it all inside, though, compacted and burning, and keeps it there, near.
*
Liam hardly ever asks him questions directly. Since he first told him, he's trusted Zayn to open up whenever he's ready. Louis asks him for all the sordid details, because he's obnoxious like that. Harry asks him probing questions like he's writing a thesis on human sexuality or something. Niall still doesn't care, but when they meet Justin Bieber in the studio, he turns to Zayn and says, bluntly, "I would." Zayn grimaces, but nods.
He doesn't hook up with a lot of guys, really, between all the travelling they've been doing, the attention they've been getting, and yeah, some calls from management in the middle of the night about "discretion." Nothing gets out though. And the fangirls are too busy asking questions about Harry and Louis' weird-ass relationship that they never waste an opportunity to encourage. (He's not sure if it would be even weirder if it was indeed sexual or if that would somehow make it more normal.) He's told his parents though, in case anything did ever get out. It went a lot better than he expected, really, and he's grateful for that. Grateful that the people he really cares about hasn't let it affect them. He's finally realised that everyone else doesn't matter.
They're lying in Liam's hotel room in Australia, eating snacks stolen from Niall (and he'll blame Harry so they're in the clear), and watching a movie. Maybe Liam's just bored or curious or they've reached that place where they've already talked about everything else under the sun.
"So, when did you know?"
"Know what?"
"That you liked guys? I mean - you don't have to talk about it - I just -"
"Liam, it's fine. Louis's asked me way more invasive - and disgusting, mind you - stuff than that."
"I just - you know. Whatever you're comfortable with."
"Um, I kind of always knew, I think. In high school, there were a couple guys I liked. I never really did anything with them. I thought it was just a phase for a while, that it might pass. But then -"
"Then what?" Liam says, eyes narrowing.
"Then I met this guy. While we were at bootcamp. I just - it was different. It felt real. It felt like something I could get used to, something that could last."
"What happened with him?"
"I couldn't do this and that too. And it wasn't fair to him."
"God, that must have been awful." He sounds strangely distant though.
"Yeah," Zayn says, honestly. "But I got over it."
*
Perrie's nice and fun to be around, and something for the press to talk about while he's on the other side of the world. The long-distance thing is hard, but maybe it's what he needs, someone else there when it all gets too much. He needs a reprieve, from the weight of his feelings and from Liam being around him all the time and the hopelessness of it all.
Then Liam gets drunk one night and everything he's carefully been trying to build up around himself, the lies and denial and the illusion of happiness, falls to pieces.
*
Liam's banging on his door, and it's 3am, and he thinks he's dreaming or something for a moment. Then he's fully awake and worried that something's happened, something bad -
He almost trips over the sheets, runs to the door, and when he opens it, he literally gets a faceful of Liam.
"What -"
He thinks it's Louis at first, playing a joke, or Harry even, trying to actually force him into his "experimenting," but fuck, it's Liam, and he's insistent and unrelenting and everything he never, ever is, the exact opposite of the last time they'd kissed (and he never, ever thinks about that - partly because they'd pretty much all ended up kissing each other that night - fucking truth or dare again - and partly because he instantly gets hard thinking about it).
He really has to summon all his willpower to push him away though.
"Liam, what. No, you're drunk. We can't. You have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend."
Liam kind of giggles as he practically falls on to Zayn's bed.
"But I like you," he says, like that negates everything.
"You don't know what you're saying." Only he wishes he did. He wishes so much.
"I do - I do know. I just, fuck, Zayn, I should have told you. I should have -"
"Told me what?"
"That I like you. I've always liked you."
"Are you - are you messing with me right now?"
"What? No, I wouldn't. I swear, I wouldn't." He's looking so scared, scared that Zayn actually believes that. And Zayn knows he wouldn't do that to him. He knows. But this actually cannot be happening right now.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know. I just - you told me about you. And you were so lovely and nervous and honest and I just - I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of you, or taking the piss or something. And there was the band - and I didn't want to mess it up. So I kind of panicked."
"You're serious?" Zayn says, staring at him.
"Yeah, yes, absolutely serious."
"Well, you better be, because I've had a massive crush on you since that day in McDonald's." And it's definitely not the way he'd intended on revealing his feelings. Not that he'd ever really intended at all.
"Really?" Liam says, and he's blushing a little, and fuck if it isn't ridiculously adorable.
"Only that's not technically true."
Liam's eyebrows get all furrowed in confusion.
"I've kind of been in love with you since the first time I spoke to you," he says, softly, moving closer to Liam, placing one hand on his cheek.
He hears Liam's breath hitch as he leans in, kissing him properly this time, not hesitant and clumsy, eyes open, like the first, or heavy and rushed, like the second, but perfect, meeting each other in the middle, like they always do.
*
Zayn wakes up with Liam in his arms, and they've woken up in the same bed before but never like this, never with exploring hands and kisses pressed to his neck and Liam never, ever not touching him.
"I love you too, you know," he says, shyly, face pressed to his shoulder.
Zayn just nods.
Liam leans back to look at him, as if suddenly realising something.
"Harry and Louis are going to be so pissed that we came out first," he says.
Zayn grins at him.
"Are we really going to, though?" Liam says a second later, sounding tense.
"After we talk to Danielle and Perrie, we have to talk to the lads, and we'll figure it out. We'll figure it all out."
Liam just looks at him for a moment, and then nods. He lets Zayn tighten his arms around him. And Zayn knows he trusts him completely. Like he's always trusted Liam.
And he trusts that as long as they're together, everything will be fine.