Sigh.....
It's been a while since I updated but again I'm feeling all blah so I thought maybe writing it out would be better.
My past is a complicated and messed up thing and before I had any RL friends, I was really anti-social and would keep to myself and internalize everything and just pretty much curl up and abuse myself. Then I got a best friend and became friends with a handful of people who meant a lot to me. And I started getting over my insecurities and was healing and for the first time, felt really happy. Then I got really into fandom and my friends didn't really understand my fascination with it and the joy I got out of following Adam around. So once again, I was kinda by myself and lonely. I mean we still hung out and spent time with each other, but BECAUSE they didn't get it, they would kinda make fun of me for it. So yeah, that kinda took it's tole on me.
But then I got really close to a lot of people in fandom and I was excited and happy again. I had people who understood my interest in Adam and would flail with me and be just as "cray" as me. I felt like I finally belonged again......
But lately, those people seem like they just aren't there. I know it's the internet and things aren't supposed to be that deep, but I connected with these people. I felt like they were my friends and that I could count on them when it mattered, but it just feels like I'm invisible again. I KNOW I sound stupid and selfish and immature, but I can't help it. If you knew HALF of the things that go on in my brain, you'd honestly say that I'm insane....
But because of all this, I feel like curling up in a ball and never talking again. I feel like I'm right back where I started when I didn't have friends at all. I'm feeling anti-social and abusive towards myself. Maybe I'm just WAY to sensitive about everything. Probably means I shouldn't be in fandom at all.
I guess what it comes down to, is that I want a relationship. I'm constantly bombarded by couples on campus. And then all of my friends are couples and everything on my FB points to people being together. And then I can't even escape that in fandom because everybody is connecting with each other on some level. Is it so bad to want someone that I can call mine?! Someone who is going to be there for me and comfort me and just love/like me for me. Someone that just GETS me and we snuggle and have fun with each other and just ARE!
I want to be someone's bb or "better half". I guess it just comes down to the fact that I'm a jealous, selfish bitch. And that I'm 19 and have never kissed someone, let alone held someone's hand. It starts to hurt and kill inside when you've never had that emotional connection with someone. And all because you're insecure and can't talk to people and are ugly beyond belief. And now people are probably reading this saying oh she's just feeling sorry for herself. But in all actuality, if you knew me, it's not me feeling sorry for myself. This is actually what I think about and analyze and contemplate everyday. Again, another point in the column for me being insane.
This is way too much drama and anxiety for a 19 year old girl to be going through.
And as if that isn't enough, college is kicking my ass. I'm so behind and stressed out that I literally feel like just giving up. Not even my parents being here this weekend or seeing my puppies has made anything better.
I just want to be happy......
My past is a complicated and messed up thing and before I had any RL friends, I was really anti-social and would keep to myself and internalize everything and just pretty much curl up and abuse myself. Then I got a best friend and became friends with a handful of people who meant a lot to me. And I started getting over my insecurities and was healing and for the first time, felt really happy. Then I got really into fandom and my friends didn't really understand my fascination with it and the joy I got out of following Adam around. So once again, I was kinda by myself and lonely. I mean we still hung out and spent time with each other, but BECAUSE they didn't get it, they would kinda make fun of me for it. So yeah, that kinda took it's tole on me.
But then I got really close to a lot of people in fandom and I was excited and happy again. I had people who understood my interest in Adam and would flail with me and be just as "cray" as me. I felt like I finally belonged again......
But lately, those people seem like they just aren't there. I know it's the internet and things aren't supposed to be that deep, but I connected with these people. I felt like they were my friends and that I could count on them when it mattered, but it just feels like I'm invisible again. I KNOW I sound stupid and selfish and immature, but I can't help it. If you knew HALF of the things that go on in my brain, you'd honestly say that I'm insane....
But because of all this, I feel like curling up in a ball and never talking again. I feel like I'm right back where I started when I didn't have friends at all. I'm feeling anti-social and abusive towards myself. Maybe I'm just WAY to sensitive about everything. Probably means I shouldn't be in fandom at all.
I guess what it comes down to, is that I want a relationship. I'm constantly bombarded by couples on campus. And then all of my friends are couples and everything on my FB points to people being together. And then I can't even escape that in fandom because everybody is connecting with each other on some level. Is it so bad to want someone that I can call mine?! Someone who is going to be there for me and comfort me and just love/like me for me. Someone that just GETS me and we snuggle and have fun with each other and just ARE!
I want to be someone's bb or "better half". I guess it just comes down to the fact that I'm a jealous, selfish bitch. And that I'm 19 and have never kissed someone, let alone held someone's hand. It starts to hurt and kill inside when you've never had that emotional connection with someone. And all because you're insecure and can't talk to people and are ugly beyond belief. And now people are probably reading this saying oh she's just feeling sorry for herself. But in all actuality, if you knew me, it's not me feeling sorry for myself. This is actually what I think about and analyze and contemplate everyday. Again, another point in the column for me being insane.
This is way too much drama and anxiety for a 19 year old girl to be going through.
And as if that isn't enough, college is kicking my ass. I'm so behind and stressed out that I literally feel like just giving up. Not even my parents being here this weekend or seeing my puppies has made anything better.
I just want to be happy......