BtVS ficlet: "New Employee Orientation to Hell" (4/4)
I try to get out, and the bureaucrats in Hell just keep pulling me back in with their insidious plot bunnies. But this is almost certainly the last ficlet in this series . . . for a while, anyway.
The first installment of this ficlet series is here
This chapter and the preceding one DO include spoilers for all of AtS season 5.
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TEST ON PART 2 OF NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION FILMSTRIP, COVERING HANDBOOK SECTION 6.6
(Supervisor’s Edition: Correct Answers and Official Procedures Included)
Instructions: Remember, all tests must be written in blood and filed in triplicate.
1) True or False? The seer Cordelia Chase has been confirmed as dead, and is therefore no longer of any concern to this company.____________
False - Once again, any employee choosing True shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith.
2) According to official company policy at this time, suggesting that Cordelia Chase might currently be playing a major role in The Other Side’s counter-intelligence efforts is:
(A) A good way to demonstrate your intelligence to your superiors.
(B) Likely to result in your summary execution, since that idea has been pronounced ‘impossible’ by the majority of company analysts and is now forbidden to discuss.
(C) A reasonable hypothesis, given the evidence currently available from abortive infiltration attempts.
(D) Both A and C.
(E) None of the above.
The correct answer is (B). Any employee choosing (A) or (D) shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing either (C) or (E) shall be judged merely ‘insufficiently attentive’ and assigned to spend the next five decades taking minutes in the ’Pit of Interminable and Pointless Meetings’, to show them the error of their ways.
3) All encounters with Cordelia Chase while in the performance of your duties should be immediately reported to your superiors because: (Note: Choose the best answer.)
(A) That’s a necessary prerequisite, if you intend to file for ’Extreme Hazard Pay’ as a result of the encounter.
(B) We really want to know where she gets her supply of pink tutus and plastic tiaras on this plane of existence, in case it becomes relevant for the next employee talent show.
(C) You may require immediate counseling in order to ameliorate the psychological damage from her mocking.
(D) It’s company policy - do you need any other reason?
(E) Both B and C.
(F) Both A and D.
The best answer is (D). Any employee choosing either (B) or (E) shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing either (A) or (F) shall be deemed ‘not as smart as they think they are’ (since they obviously paid insufficient attention in their mandatory ‘Corporate Butt-Kissing and Making Office Politics Work for You’ seminar) and assigned a century’s worth of unpaid overtime work as attendants in the Executive Washrooms, to give them an opportunity to observe how the experts do it.
4) True or False? The current company ‘Watch List’ includes Charles Gunn, and will continue to do so until you bring us his lifeless body (and probably after that, as well). _____________
True -- Any employee choosing False shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith for contradicting executive policy and making unwarranted assumptions about the risks associated with non-super-powered humans.
5) Illyria is: (Note: Again, choose the best answer.)
(A) A blue-haired chick in red leather who hangs out a lot in demon biker bars.
(B) A former Old One who’s been reborn in a human-shaped shell.
(C) Someone who can and will eviscerate you with her pinky finger, if the mood strikes her, so keep your distance.
(D) Apparently contaminated to some degree by association with ensouled vampires and other degenerates.
(E) All of the above.
(F) B, C, and D only.
The best answer is (F). Any employee choosing either (A) or (E) shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing only answer (B), (C), or (D) shall be deemed slightly inattentive and restricted to low-level possessions and temptations only, until the next employee review/culling.
This concludes Part Two of the New Employee Orientation Test. Do not share the contents of this test with anyone else, upon pain of Termination and Eternal Evisceration.
Have a Not-Nice Day!
The first installment of this ficlet series is here
This chapter and the preceding one DO include spoilers for all of AtS season 5.
--------------------
TEST ON PART 2 OF NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION FILMSTRIP, COVERING HANDBOOK SECTION 6.6
(Supervisor’s Edition: Correct Answers and Official Procedures Included)
Instructions: Remember, all tests must be written in blood and filed in triplicate.
1) True or False? The seer Cordelia Chase has been confirmed as dead, and is therefore no longer of any concern to this company.____________
False - Once again, any employee choosing True shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith.
2) According to official company policy at this time, suggesting that Cordelia Chase might currently be playing a major role in The Other Side’s counter-intelligence efforts is:
(A) A good way to demonstrate your intelligence to your superiors.
(B) Likely to result in your summary execution, since that idea has been pronounced ‘impossible’ by the majority of company analysts and is now forbidden to discuss.
(C) A reasonable hypothesis, given the evidence currently available from abortive infiltration attempts.
(D) Both A and C.
(E) None of the above.
The correct answer is (B). Any employee choosing (A) or (D) shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing either (C) or (E) shall be judged merely ‘insufficiently attentive’ and assigned to spend the next five decades taking minutes in the ’Pit of Interminable and Pointless Meetings’, to show them the error of their ways.
3) All encounters with Cordelia Chase while in the performance of your duties should be immediately reported to your superiors because: (Note: Choose the best answer.)
(A) That’s a necessary prerequisite, if you intend to file for ’Extreme Hazard Pay’ as a result of the encounter.
(B) We really want to know where she gets her supply of pink tutus and plastic tiaras on this plane of existence, in case it becomes relevant for the next employee talent show.
(C) You may require immediate counseling in order to ameliorate the psychological damage from her mocking.
(D) It’s company policy - do you need any other reason?
(E) Both B and C.
(F) Both A and D.
The best answer is (D). Any employee choosing either (B) or (E) shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing either (A) or (F) shall be deemed ‘not as smart as they think they are’ (since they obviously paid insufficient attention in their mandatory ‘Corporate Butt-Kissing and Making Office Politics Work for You’ seminar) and assigned a century’s worth of unpaid overtime work as attendants in the Executive Washrooms, to give them an opportunity to observe how the experts do it.
4) True or False? The current company ‘Watch List’ includes Charles Gunn, and will continue to do so until you bring us his lifeless body (and probably after that, as well). _____________
True -- Any employee choosing False shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith for contradicting executive policy and making unwarranted assumptions about the risks associated with non-super-powered humans.
5) Illyria is: (Note: Again, choose the best answer.)
(A) A blue-haired chick in red leather who hangs out a lot in demon biker bars.
(B) A former Old One who’s been reborn in a human-shaped shell.
(C) Someone who can and will eviscerate you with her pinky finger, if the mood strikes her, so keep your distance.
(D) Apparently contaminated to some degree by association with ensouled vampires and other degenerates.
(E) All of the above.
(F) B, C, and D only.
The best answer is (F). Any employee choosing either (A) or (E) shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing only answer (B), (C), or (D) shall be deemed slightly inattentive and restricted to low-level possessions and temptations only, until the next employee review/culling.
This concludes Part Two of the New Employee Orientation Test. Do not share the contents of this test with anyone else, upon pain of Termination and Eternal Evisceration.
Have a Not-Nice Day!