(no subject)
I've got that feeling where you're in a new group you want to be friends with and they're discussing what movie to go to and you suggest a flick you've really wanted to see, and the leader of the group says "ugh," without actually glancing at you
where the top layer of your skin has been peeled away, exposing the nasty pink layer underneath that's not quite formed and not quite bloody, and it's mildly tapped by something you hit against, and it hurts like hell
where you go to great lengths to bake a special chocolate cake for your friend's birthday party you've been organizing, and it takes three hours and a multitude of dirtied bowls and an eternity of whipping egg whites by hand because you don't have an electric beater, and your friend looks at the finished product and says, "Oh, I don't like chocolate."
I've been very oversensitive (like the skin peeled away) when I put out effort (like making a special cake for a friend) or reveal an opinion (like what movie I want to go to) and the effort/opinion is rebuked in any small way. Some of these "rebukes" have been someone expressing their own opinion in a friendly, nonconfrontational way, and some of them have been nothing more than an interpretation of circumstances. But each "rebuke" inevitably makes me feel like I'm not good enough, didn't do a good enough job, should have tried harder, tried my best and was frowned upon for the meagerness of the effort it produced; and it makes me feel like I can't continue to maintain the appearance of being okay with the world when every little movement it makes sends me into throes of self-deprecation.
So we have three options. 1) Wait for it to pass; 2) stop caring what the world thinks of my horribly bloody failures (because while there's a part of me that's disappointed in myself, I'm more worried about failing others); and 3) counterbalance the litany of failure with some good stuff I've accomplished.
1) What if it doesn't pass? (This stuff always passes) What if it passes and comes back and I have no solution for it? 2) Not caring would make me a heartless monster, instead of an inadequate monster. 3) Anything I can think of that I've actually finished in my life pales next to the tremendous size of the bad things in my head.
Le sigh. Ought to clean my room.