003-1: Snapshots of Us (Myungsoo x Sungjong)
Snapshots of Us
PG-13, Myungsoo x Sungjong, 12212 words.
Written for sngjng's birthday. Hope it's a wonderful one!
The most important part of this story is that none of it should ever have happened.
Or, well, nothing from this point forward. But no one ever thinks about it in the moment, just how one action can change the way life is unraveled thereafter. Lee Sungjong is no exception to this rule. The only reason he steps into that coffee shop is because he's missed his usual bus and needs the energy to wait for the next one. Had he caught his bus, or even missed his bus on a different day, there might not have been a story to tell.
Sungjong is a man of purpose. He enters the shop wanting a cappuccino with low fat soy milk and an extra shot and a half of espresso (with more coffee than foam) and a dollop of whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon (and, if it's not too much trouble, three chocolate shavings), so it's a cappuccino with a bunch of specifics the barista's already forgotten that he will get. The other people patronizing the shop don't really concern him, especially not after he receives his drink only to find two chocolate shavings and not three. (“I told you, three chocolate shavings. No more, no less.”) Actually, it's only when he forces the barista to remake his drink entirely that he even bothers a glance around the shop, though his expectations aren't exactly set very high.
Perhaps it's because of this that he's taken completely by surprise when a voice calls out to him from the far side of the shop.
“Yah, Lee Sungjong~?”
Every head in the shop turns, even though only one person there bears that name. Sungjong recognizes the voice before the person's appearance: This is Lee Sungyeol, he acknowledges silently. He gives a friendly wave, but Sungyeol was never really the type to just wave, so it's not long after that Sungjong gives in to Sungyeol's enthusiasm and joins him at his table (and then gets up again because his drink's ready).
Sungjong is thoroughly irritated by the time he returns, but one glance at Sungyeol's gummy smile and he nearly forgets about everything. It's the first indication that he really is sitting with Lee Sungyeol (if he doesn't count the obnoxiously loud voice that eight years have failed to erase from his memory), and the more they converse with each other the more Sungjong is reminded of their high school days, when they were both members of the Drama Club and had both performed in several plays together; truthfully, Sungjong has no other associations with Sungyeol, being two years his junior, but they had spent a lot of time together at rehearsals, and Sungyeol is gregarious enough of a character to keep their conversation going as if they'd once been close friends. That Sungjong has a bus to catch soon escapes him, and instead of paying attention to the time Sungjong only encourages Sungyeol's conversational advances.
Sungjong finds it curious how much Sungyeol's appearance has changed over the years. Sungjong caught Sungyeol toward the end of puberty (if he remembered correctly, Sungyeol had just turned eighteen), so while eight years is certainly a long time Sungjong had not expected Sungyeol to have matured so drastically. It's in stark contrast to himself, the only underclassman to have landed a significant role in the Fall Play; Sungjong just doesn't see how leading-role Sungyeol can make the connection between his sixteen-year-old and twenty-four-year-old selves.
(Later, Sungyeol tells him it's because his eyes are unique and difficult to forget, and when Sungjong counters with the reminder that their distance had been too great to recognize his eyes, Sungyeol remarks that Sungjong is still a twig and his fashion style has not changed over the years.)
Casual talk leads them off, starting with the typical “It's funny running into you here, of all places” (though later Sungjong realizes a coffee shop is actually not that funny at all of a place to have run into Sungyeol, especially once the two start reminiscing about their plays together and their numerous coffee runs before rehearsals) and then transitioning into the even more typical “So what are you up to these days, Sungjong-ah?” (and Sungjong is unable to stop himself from talking about his educational background and his temporary job at the bookstore, even if none of it actually concerns Sungyeol), and for a while their conversation is very formulaic (if not harmless) and very much expected on Sungjong's part.
But then Sungyeol mentions the name “Kim Myungsoo” and everything changes. His expression falls the moment he notices Sungjong's tension, and he lets whatever sentence he had planned fall short in fear of having struck a bad chord. And he has, because Kim Myungsoo isn't a name Sungjong has heard for quite some time now, and though they had all had once been friends, Sungjong doesn't expect the name to surface so harmlessly in a conversation with an old high school acquaintance.
Sungjong's annoyance returns. He remembers the bus he's missed (well, buses, now) and the poorly made coffee he's been sipping (and the disastrous first attempt the barista dared to offer him), and he realizes just how crap of a day today has become. Even a friendly conversation with Sungyeol, his only saving grace of the evening, is ruined by the mere mention of Kim Myungsoo.
“I've stayed too long,” is Sungjong's polite choice of words. Sungyeol's face is that of shock, and he's quick to his feet and quick with the apologies.
“Yah, Sungjong-ah,” he says, “please don't go! I haven't been able to talk about plays and musicals in so long...”
“I'll miss the last bus.”
“That isn't for another few hours!”
“...I'll miss the last bus that'll take me home with enough time to sleep.”
“Then I'll drive you home!” Sungjong is surprised that he even gives that possibility any consideration, but the result is the same and he continues to shake his head.
“Sorry, Sungyeol. But how about I give you my number? Then you can talk to me about plays and musicals more often!”
A part of Sungjong expects Sungyeol to not give in to this compromise, since the Sungyeol he knows from eight years ago is not the type to let things go so easily, so he's surprised when Sungyeol nods in agreement; it doesn't occur to Sungjong that Sungyeol only agrees because he intends to using the extra time needed for exchanging numbers to sneak in more conversation.
“Why are you leaving so suddenly?”
“Just punch in your number and I'll-”
“Is it something I said?”
“-a text. That way you'll have my-”
“It's Myungsoo, isn't it?”
“-Yah, if you already knew, why did you even ask?!”
“So it is Myungsoo!” The mere mention of Kim Myungsoo's name has Sungjong itching to leave the coffee shop again. He doesn't want to talk about it, not here, not now. Kim Myungsoo is nothing more than an idiot who doesn't care enough about what he does with his life. Why should he, Sungjong, have to-
“You were going to send me a text?”
“Huh? ...oh, right, yeah. I just sent it.”
Sure enough, Sungyeol's phone emits a short 8-bit tone, signaling that the message's been received.
“Right, I'll save your number now." A pause. "You used to like Myungsoo, right?”
“Okay, we are done here, you don't need me here to save my number, nice running into you, buh-bye.”
“What happened between you two?”
“I'm really going, please feel free to send me a text if it's not too late, but don't bother if-”
“Myungsoo's looking for you, Sungjong-ah.”
“-to talk about… oh.” And just like that, Sungjong's desire to rush out of the shop leaves him. His feelings haven't changed, yet there's something about Kim Myungsoo not giving up on him that Sungjong finds respectable, even though he's the one to have pushed Kim Myungsoo away weeks and weeks and maybe even months or a year or two ago. (It's only been a little under a year, as Sungjong later comes to realize.)
Perhaps his leaving Kim Myungsoo had actually struck a chord? But Sungjong doesn't want to get his hopes up...
Sungjong knows he has to leave. But Sungyeol's too good at pressing all the right buttons and Sungjong can't shake the curiosity that's now crept upon him. He's convinced himself many times that he's finished with Kim Myungsoo, yet he fears if he lets this moment go then he'll only regret it later.
So, Sungjong stays.
As it turns out, Sungjong also regrets staying, because Sungyeol demands that he first explain his past with (Kim) Myungsoo. So, Sungjong starts off by doing all the talking, and all his reasons for having stayed seem to have been invalidated.
Sungjong begins with the first Spring Musical since Sungyeol's graduation, where he unexpectedly landed his first leading role; Kim Myungsoo (Sungjong omits the family name for Sungyeol's sake, but he otherwise commits to referring to that guy as formally and impersonally whenever possible) was cast for some supporting role as a blind man, but otherwise that's really the only thing he remembers from the musical.
“Already the beginnings of a budding romance,” Sungyeol teases with a laugh, and Sungjong scowls before commencing.
While Sungjong and Myungsoo shared many scenes together, the two boys rarely talked to each other offstage. They never really had any reason to. Myungsoo was a year older, so they didn't share any subjects. They didn't share any of the same friends-well, excluding Sungyeol, who had already graduated and was no longer performing with them. Not to mention, this performance was now the second time Sungjong had received the part Myungsoo had wanted and auditioned for, so there was already a bit of tension between them on Myungsoo's part. Sungjong also held the Unrequited Love card, because Myungsoo was the first crush he'd ever had.
In short, conversation between them was doomed.
He hadn't really considered his feelings for Myungsoo until Sungyeol had brought the topic up during the last Fall Play. “You keep staring at Myungsoo's face,” was what Sungyeol had said, to which Sungjong had replied with “Maybe he just has a really pretty face, okay, leave me alone,” and apparently boys didn't often call other boys' faces pretty. Sungjong had insisted that he was simply the first boy to do so, but Sungyeol hadn't really bought that, so he persisted in introducing a very unwilling Sungjong to a very apathetic Myungsoo.
It was just a simple crush, because everything Sungjong had come to know about Myungsoo up to that point was only through observation of his actions with Sungyeol. Myungsoo had a pretty face, sure, but Sungjong also liked Myungsoo's character as Sungyeol's best friend; with Sungyeol gone, Sungjong seldom saw that side of Myungsoo, but he was silently holding on in hopes of Myungsoo one day showing him his warmer side.
Still, Sungjong didn't expect the day to come so soon, let alone by Myungsoo's initiative.
“Come to my place,” said Myungsoo nonchalantly, nearly causing Sungjong to spit out the Quad Venti Soy Caramel Frappuccino with one pump white mocha, a scoop of vanilla bean powder, chips blended in, whip cream, caramel drizzle and salt he'd gotten before rehearsal.
“...to help me practice my lines, I mean.”
“Right, of course.” It took everything Sungjong had to keep the shock off his face. “Besides, what lines? You're a blind man looking for his wife.”
“All the more reason I need practice. It's hard to act blind if you've never been blind.”
“Is it also hard to act like you're looking for your wife, since you've never had a wife?” Myungsoo shrugged and said nothing, though there was still a devilish grin upon his face, one Sungjong quickly found himself not liking. In an attempt to preempt anything Myungsoo could possibly say in response, Sungjong added, “Go blindfold yourself and throw your arms out in front of you like you're some kind of zombie, or something.”
“I've never been a zombie, either.”
Sungjong paused: He wanted to ask why Myungsoo had even bothered auditioning for a role he thought he couldn't portray, but for whatever reason he held back his tongue.
“Hey. Why won't you help me out and just come over?”
“I don't know, why're you so buddy-buddy all of a sudden?”
Myungsoo shrugged. “Because you're always so unapproachable?”
“Yeah, see, that's-wait, what? You're calling me unapproachable? You're the one always wearing this apathetic 'I don't care about life' expression, how am I the unapproachable one here?”
“Because you're one wearing the 'I'm a total riot, please don't approach me or you'll get a piece of my mind' face all the time. Geez, you used to be a nicer person when Sungyeol hyung was around, but after he graduated you started avoiding me like I had the plague.”
It's because I like you, Sungjong mumbled to himself. Then, in a slightly louder voice, he added, “I just... I don't know, I always thought you were bitter because I kept stealing roles from you.”
“Why would I be bitter?” asked Myungsoo, and when Sungjong had nothing to say he gave a disbelieving laugh. “Are you serious? You really thought...?”
“I...” but Sungjong fell into silence. Had he really had it wrong the entire time? Was Myungsoo angry that they hadn't been talking this entire time?-but Myungsoo hadn't even given him so much as a thought before, not when they had only known each other through Sungyeol...
“So now that we've established I don't hate you, are you going to come over?” Sungjong's head snapped to Myungsoo, who was now examining him with a strange, dark expression. This, too, was a facial expression Sungjong found himself not fond of. “Actually, I take that back. I've made up my mind. You're coming over.”
That was how they found themselves in Myungsoo's room hours later. Fueled with a Venti-sized Frappucino's worth of caffeine, Sungjong was now teeming with enthusiasm, despite his earlier reluctance to the idea of coming over.
“You're a terrible blind man!” he shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Myungsoo's apparently terrible acting. “Do it better!”
“But that's why you're here. Help me.”
“I did. I told you, you were terrible.”
“You show me, then.” And before Sungjong could take a guess at what Myungsoo had up his sleeves, a pair of hands-Myungsoo's hands-were placed over his eyes.
“H-Hey!”
“Now you're a blind man. Do whatever it is you're supposed to do.”
“But I can see through your fingers...”
“That's not the point.” It only then dawned upon Sungjong, just how close Myungsoo was to him. He was quite certain that it was Myungsoo's breath causing the hairs on the back of his neck to stand, and it was unmistakably Myungsoo's toes that were bumping against his heels. Myungsoo must've closed the gaps between his fingers, because without a word Sungjong's vision was properly covered, and all he was left with was the heat of Myungsoo's palms as they gently cupped his face. When Myungsoo's breath tickled Sungjong's ear, it took everything Sungjong had in him to bite back a whimper, because Kim Myungsoo was now doing things to him he didn't understand...
Had he missed something? When had everything changed?
And just when Sungjong was sure his heart could not beat any faster than it was already beating, just when his senses were at their peak, Myungsoo whispered into his ear:
“Honey, is that you?”
...what.
“What.”
“It's my only line,” said Myungsoo. And he was right, that really was his only line. Myungsoo was cast as a blind man looking for his beloved, and throughout the musical his only purpose was to appear in awkward moments of the musical shouting-
“Honey, is that you?"
Was Myungsoo expecting him to repeat after him? But he supposed it was better than having to answer the question. (“Do I sound like a woman to you?” was the scripted response, though Sungjong disliked that it was still the appropriate response in this situation.)
“H-Honey, is that you?” asked Sungjong hesitantly, and it didn't take a professional actor to conclude that his acting had also been poor.
“No.” A nervous pause on Sungjong's part followed, with Myungsoo's mimicked proceeding. "You're a terrible blind man, Sungjongie. Do it better."
“Sungjongie?!” When had he taken the liberty to use such a nickname?-Sungjong scowled at the mere sound of it.
“Don't call me that...”
“Then what? Honey?”
It only then occurred to Sungjong just how much of a flirt Myungsoo was. Or well, how much of a flirt Myungsoo could make himself appear to be. But he didn't want to get his hopes up, and he hated just how much everything Myungsoo was doing affected him. Perhaps someone had dared him to mess around like this?
Yeah, that had to be it.
“But I'm not your Honey,” said Sungjong, who did not dare vocalize any of his other inner thoughts of the moment. “Do I sound like a woman to you?”
“The script never says my Honey is a woman, you know.”
Sungjong rolled his eyes.
Definitely. Flirting.
“That's my line,” said Sungjong. “Just say it so we can move on. You're the one who needs practice, not me.”
“But you aren't flailing your arms like a zombie. I have no idea what that means until I see you do it.”
“I was joking about that. You're using a walking stick anyway, you won't need to act like a zombie.”
But Myungsoo did not back down, so Sungjong reluctantly found himself repeating lines that weren't even his.
“Honey, is that you?”
“Yes, Darling, it's me.”
Had Sungjong not already finished his drink, he would certainly have spat it out this time.
“That is not my line!”
“What if I want it to be?”
Sungjong could not believe his ears. Okay, say Myungsoo actually did like him, even though Sungjong knew that could never actually be the case. What reasons did Myungsoo have to start acting on those feelings now?
But he did. Myungsoo seemed shocked-which was surprising to Sungjong, since Myungsoo had been the one to describe Sungjong's expression as 'a total riot, please don't approach me or I'll give you a piece of my mind' (and you did approach me, so you got a piece of my mind, Sungjong added to himself)-and though the sight of Myungsoo nursing his jaw made him feel somewhat guilty, Sungjong did not allow his face to show signs of it.
“Why're you so against it, anyway?” mumbled Myungsoo, rubbing his cheek as his eyes fell to the floor. “Sungyeol hyung said you liked me, and I've really liked you for a while. So, why all this resistance?”
......
“You told Myungsoo that I liked him?!” Sungjong shrieks suddenly, and Sungyeol jumps in his seat in fright. The irony of it all is that Sungjong only remembers this detail because Sungyeol has asked him to talk about his past with Myungsoo, and had Sungyeol not done so he might've gotten away with disclosing Sungjong's feelings to Myungsoo.
Or, well, such was the irony before Sungyeol gives his response.
“I didn't, though?”
“I can't-wait, what?” Sungjong stares at Sungyeol in confusion. “You didn't? But he said... he definitely said...”
Sungjong is furious. Okay, he isn't one hundred percent sure if his memories are completely accurate, if Myungsoo had really said that line. But Sungjong can't picture that scene having happened any other way. No, Sungjong is sure his memories are correct, Myungsoo must've played him and Sungyeol both.
“Not that I had a reason not to,” mumbles Sungjong. “And I haven't seen you since, so I couldn't confirm it with you until, well, five minutes ago.”
“I like to tease, but I'm not that mean,” Sungyeol says with a laugh. “But back to what you were saying. You guys pretty much got together. Then what?”
Sungjong doesn't even question why Sungyeol's made this assumption. But it's true: By the end of that night, Sungjong's heart was ready for Myungsoo's taking, and the amount of time spent together only escalated. Truthfully, Sungjong can't say he remembers every detail of their relationship, but he does remember it being everything a typical first love should be: experimental and awkward.
Sungjong remembers the important dates and the small details, but very little in between. He knows his first kiss did not occur very long after that night (Sungjong remembers little of it, only that Myungsoo had told him he needed to try being more responsive, which had only earned Myungsoo several days of the silent treatment for having said something so stupid and embarrassing), and their first date didn't take place until after their Spring Musical had passed. He remembers the burning touch of Myungsoo's fingers laced with his, as if it were only yesterday, but he does not remember the where or when or why. In fact, except for Myungsoo's overconfidence in making Sungjong fall for him (Sungjong refuses to evaluate whether Myungsoo had been successful), Sungjong has little complaint, because there hadn't been anything wrong with their relationship.
“So then...?” and Sungjong completely expects Sungyeol's question when it's asked. Sungjong begins to wonder how things would have changed if their relationship had not ended in that moment. Would they still be together? Would they merely have broken up at a different time and place down the road? Would Myungsoo still have a reason to be looking for him?
Speaking of which, Sungjong only just realizes, he's still far from being told that reason. But he has a feeling Sungyeol won't let him cut any corners, so he quickly summarizes the events of nearly one year and continues his story with the day he'd made his first mistake.
Winter skies were never really Sungjong's thing, but it wasn't until the bus ride to Myungsoo's high school graduation that he realized just how much he disliked them.
It was now February, almost an entire year since he and Myungsoo had started dating. (More specifically, it was sixty-four days until one year after having been at Myungsoo's house for the first time, seventy-one days until one year after having been kissed by Myungsoo for the first time, and seventy-three days until one year after having gone on their first date-but it wasn't like Sungjong had a phone application counting down the days for him, of course not.) They'd had a pretty healthy relationship, or as healthy of a relationship as anyone could have had with Lee Sungjong, and once Sungjong had gotten over his initial shock that his first crush was now his boyfriend he'd been able to appreciate time spent with him more.
(Well, Sungjong had some complaints, like the way Myungsoo would knowingly smirk at him every time he did something to Sungjong's liking, or the way his fingers would wander much too curiously whenever they kissed, or the way Myungsoo would call him 'Honey' and 'Darling' and dare he say 'Princess' because Myungsoo knew just how much it bothered him. But, Sungjong knew relationships weren't always perfect, and as much as he refused to give Myungsoo satisfaction for his actions, at the end of the day he enjoyed the feeling of being the center of someone else's world. Namely, Myungsoo's.)
But today... today was different. Today, Myungsoo was graduating from high school. It was a splendid accomplishment for Myungsoo, and Sungjong was proud of him in this sense. Yet it was cold proof that they would no longer be attending the same school for the upcoming year. No longer could they walk home together and spend their afternoons hanging out and just being in each other's presence. Myungsoo would have evening classes, be involved with university organizations, be busy studying with his classmates...
Was Sungjong jealous? Possibly. But he'd had weeks to come to terms with it, despite how needy of a person he was. He'd convinced himself he would have weekends and holidays to see Myungsoo. Besides, Myungsoo would still be living at his parents' house, so it wasn't as if the distance between them would change. He was sure it'd be fine.
Yet Sungjong could not shake off the feeling of doubt. Myungsoo's hands were shaking and balled into fists, and his posture was stiff. Any words that left Myungsoo's lips were terse; his sentences, incomplete. He was wearing the same emotionless face that Sungjong was accustomed to seeing him with when he was around others. Sungjong was sure it was just Myungsoo's way of coping, because Sungjong couldn't possibly be the only of the two worrying over their possible future together.
Sungjong wanted this to work. But he couldn't think of anything to say to Myungsoo to lighten the mood. Graduation was meant to be a happy moment for the finishing high school student, yet Sungjong could tell Myungsoo was anything but happy. (Had Sungjong been any other student, he would've said Myungsoo was happy and was simply choosing not to show it. But Sungjong had spent enough time with Myungsoo over the months, and Sungjong knew Myungsoo was capable of showing genuine happiness. So, Myungsoo was definitely not happy.)
Having to part from such a conflicted-looking Myungsoo was difficult for Sungjong. Myungsoo had not even offered him a smile. Furious with himself, and overwhelmed with more self-questioning, Sungjong found his way to the auditorium and took a seat toward the back.
Sungjong observed from afar as the ceremonies commenced. Not once did he think about how in one year's time it would be him in those seats at the front of the auditorium (though, when it came time for Sungjong to graduate, he did look back on this day). His eyes were too focused on the back of Myungsoo's head. His mind still burned with the emotionless expression Myungsoo had given him earlier.
He never questioned Myungsoo's feelings before, because Myungsoo had been the one to come on to him. But now? What if Myungsoo was starting to realize just how much of a burden dating Sungjong would be?
Sungjong now regretted sitting alone, because his doubts were beginning to consume him. Weeks and weeks of convincing were crumbling before him. Was wanting their relationship to work too selfish of him? If Myungsoo couldn't properly be himself at his own graduation, what more for his studies?
Sungjong wanted Myungsoo to be happy. But breaking up with him was more than just saying goodbye to their future, wasn't it? He would be saying goodbye to the year spent with Myungsoo. The past was the past, sure, and nothing could be erased or undone, but he simply... would not be able to look back at and treasure memories spent together in the same way, not anymore.
He would lose the hugs, the kisses, the discreet hand holding on the bus-even the name calling. Would he really be okay without Myungsoo?
(But the question Sungjong should have asked was: “Would Myungsoo be okay without me?”)
When the ceremony was finally over, Sungjong exited the building and was met with the same gloomy overcast. He hated winter skies, and he wondered if a brighter sky would have lifted his spirits any.
In the end, he had still cheered the loudest when Myungsoo had been called to stage. Seeing him had still given Sungjong the fluttering feeling he had whenever he was around him. Nothing was wrong, nothing but Myungsoo's affliction.
Nothing was wrong, and that was exactly what was killing Sungjong on the inside. Because nothing was wrong, yet they were both suffering.
“Hey Gorgeous, thanks for coming out and... Sungjong?”
Sungjong couldn't even bring himself to acknowledge Myungsoo's presence, and the more Myungsoo continued to talk, the further his guilty conscience was driving him toward the point of no return.
“Hey... did I do something? I know I was a bit moody this morning, but-”
“M-Myungsoo,” began Sungjong, his voice shaking with each word; “I-I... can't. I-I'm sorry.”
A silence fell over them both. Sungjong didn't dare turn around, even as a hand was placed firmly upon his shoulder.
“Sorry for... sorry for what? Sungjong?”
The hesitance in Myungsoo's voice-no, fear, it was definitely fear-was enough for Sungjong to pull away from Myungsoo's touch.
That Myungsoo caught on to Sungjong's sentiment did not surprise Sungjong at all.
“You want to break up with me.”
“What did I tell you about saying things so bluntly?” asked Sungjong in exasperation.
“It's not embarrassing, though it is stupid.” A painful pause, and then: “So, just like that?”
Sungjong could not defend himself. He wanted to tell Myungsoo that it wasn't something he wanted to do, but rather something he felt he needed to do, but he could not. It was too painful to talk about his feelings and his reasons. It had never been his thing.
Sungjong's only confirmation was his failed attempt to choke back a sob. No further words were spoken; by the time Sungjong finally mustered the courage to turn around, Myungsoo was gone.
Sungyeol awkwardly chooses this moment to use the bathroom and to order another drink, which leaves Sungjong alone in both his retelling and in the present. For a fleeting moment Sungjong wonders if what he'd done had been the right decision, but he is quick to remind himself that the seventeen-year-old Sungjong was allowed to make mistakes, so long as the Sungjong of the present learns from those mistakes. Still, he can't help but to feel bitter over his actions, because that Myungsoo had truthfully been his ideal type of boyfriend, and he seldom meets men these days who want to shake his hand before his penis.
He does wonder if a change in his actions would have changed the Myungsoo he'd met a few years later, though Sungjong is getting ahead of himself, because Sungyeol doesn't know this much yet. So, Sungjong sits in his chair and glances around the shop, like a child bored at his parent's Bring Your Child to Work event, and he impatiently waits for Sungyeol to return.
As expected, it doesn't take Sungyeol long to ask all the right questions. He asks if Sungjong has ever seen Myungsoo since, and if this is really the reason he and Myungsoo have been separated all these years. So Sungjong says no, that hadn't been the last time he'd seen Myungsoo, and it's definitely not the reason he'd been so taken aback to having heard Myungsoo's name earlier that evening.
“After college,” begins Sungjong, and he talks about the first job he'd landed after having graduated with a degree in Studio Art: a phone interviewer at a call center. Sungjong agreed to it because he couldn't find any jobs relevant to his educational background (or, well, not immediately) and because he needed the money. “It was a kind of limbo,” is how Sungjong describes it to Sungyeol, though he ended up keeping the job for longer than he would have liked.
Part of the reason was that it'd been a stable source of income, but it was mostly because of Myungsoo. They were reunited in the strangest of ways: Sungjong had needed to use the bathroom during his lunch break, only to find Myungsoo washing his hands in said bathroom. But it was not until when he'd exited the bathroom only to find Myungsoo waiting for him that he understood just whose face he'd seen through the mirror.
“...” And only after noticing Myungsoo's faint smile did Sungjong realize that, yes, this was the boy he'd dumped on his graduation day in favor of his own insecurities, and yes, he was in fact smiling at him despite what he'd done that day. That he would meet that very boy five years later, when Myungsoo was now a (very attractive) man, Sungjong could never have imagined-though, as Sungjong has come to realize, there are a lot of things in his past that he could never have come to expect.
“I've been looking for you,” was all Myungsoo had to say, and Sungjong was gone. Gone, in the sense that Sungjong immediately fled the scene, but also in the sense that his heart had fallen for the man who'd once captured his heart.
For the rest of that work day, neither man spoke to each other, nor did they see much of each other. Sungjong caught a glimpse of Myungsoo returning to his cubicle-which, thankfully, was on the other side of the floor, and that was probably why Sungjong had never noticed him there before-and he made it a point to not stand up or otherwise make himself visible to Myungsoo.
Sungjong had a guilty conscience, and consequently every minute felt like an hour. Even if Sungjong somehow managed to escape confrontation, there would still be tomorrow and the next day and the day after next and...
He couldn't do this forever. He needed a new job.
Okay, maybe he was being a little over dramatic, but was it wrong to feel guilty? Sungjong still remembered the day well, because he'd spent his entire last year of high school thinking about it. He hadn't even congratulated Myungsoo that day, nor had he given Myungsoo closure (though, to be fair, Myungsoo had been the one to leave first). What had gotten Sungjong the most, though, was that he hadn't confirmed that Myungsoo had actually felt the way Sungjong thought he might have, that he might've let go of Myungsoo for completely unfounded reasons.
It was pride. Sungjong did not want to and could not admit to Myungsoo that he'd been in the wrong.
Two more confrontations followed their first, and each time Sungjong found one excuse or another to leave. But eventually Myungsoo cornered him at the bus stop (though it wasn't really cornering, because Sungjong had plenty of escape routes, but he didn't really feel like walking all the way home-or even to the next stop-and was thus forced to wait for his bus alongside Myungsoo), and while Sungjong was still very much afraid for what might be said, Myungsoo did not permit him to speak.
“Just listen to me,” said Myungsoo, and Sungjong did not dare challenge the frustration in his voice. “What happened... then... we can't change it. If I did something wrong, tell me-”
“You did nothing wrong-”
“-so then can't we let it go?” There was so much conflict upon Myungsoo's face, and Sungjong could not bear the sight of it. Had breaking up with him really made things any better?-no, Sungjong knew staying together would only have hurt Myungsoo and his studies. The real problem was the way Sungjong had done it.
Myungsoo continued. “I admit, I hated that you walked out on me. But I never once stopped thinking about you. You were… my princess… always will be.”
“Don't say stupid things,” scolded Sungjong, though there was a hint of a smile upon his face as he said this.
“...you're the same. That makes me happy.” There was a pause, and Sungjong was sure he could hear his own heart racing. “Sungjongie. Let go of the past, okay? I don't care where we go from here. I'd love for you to walk beside me, so I can hold your hand, but I don't mind if you walk ahead of me, so I never lose sight of you. Just don't walk too far ahead. Don't leave me behind. Don't run away from me. Please.”
“Cheesy!” declares Sungyeol suddenly, but Sungjong is too absorbed in his recollection to comment. Sungjong had always been taken by Myungsoo's tendency to single him out as the only object of importance in his world. That night had been no exception, and while he could not yet put his insecurities to rest, he allowed himself to be swept away in the addiction that was Kim Myungsoo.
Sungjong had two conclusions to choose from: either he had missed the most crucial five years of Myungsoo's life, or he hadn't known Myungsoo very well at all.
Myungsoo had apparently graduated with a degree in math and had apparently enjoyed math a lot in high school, and Sungjong had not expected either of these things. He had also only participated in school plays and musicals to spend more time with Sungjong, which Sungjong found to be ridiculous since they hadn't even started dating until nearly the end of their second performance together.
(“Why me?” was the question Sungjong forgot to ask, because the thought of high-school-Myungsoo following his high school self everywhere when they were still barely acquainted was a bit concerning for him. He was curious why Myungsoo had singled him out, even back then, but he hadn't thought to ask.)
Sungjong had chosen to walk ahead of Myungsoo, metaphorically speaking, instead of having chosen to walk by his side. They were older now, wiser perhaps, and despite their agreement to forget the past, it proved difficult to move forward without being mindful of their previous troubles. So, they were just friends who happened to work together, nothing more, even though Sungjong knew Myungsoo's feelings and intentions well. In the future, Sungjong was sure the nature of their relationship would likely surface into conversation, but for now both men were contented with taking things slowly.
“So, I'm still confused,” begins Sungyeol, once Sungjong has finished again. “This only happened last year, right? You guys were reunited but never dated. If you didn't have relationship problems, then what happened?-unless you're angry at him because he never did ask you out again, which is something I can totally see you doing.”
“Am I really that mean?" Sungjong asks (rhetorically, really, but Sungyeol answers him affirmatively and Sungjong regrets having asked). "No, it's not because of that...”
“Then?” Sungjong isn't sure why he hesitates. He's sure Sungyeol will finally tell him more about Myungsoo. Perhaps it's because Sungjong doesn't want Sungyeol to judge him for his actions.
There's only one way to know for sure. Sungjong takes a deep breath, though he doesn't have much to say, before whispering quietly.
“Myungsoo smokes.”
“I know he does.”
“...you do?” Sungjong blinks, sincerely confused by Sungyeol's response. Smoking is a big deal to Sungjong-he doesn't understand why people willingly start smoking when they know it only leads to an early death-so he's a bit puzzled that Sungyeol isn't surprised by this news.
“He's my best friend, remember?” Sungyeol quickly clarifies, sensing Sungjong's confusion. “I might not have seen you in eight years, but I saw Myungsoo just last week. He's been smoking for a number of years now, hasn't he? I can't say I approve...”
“I wanted him to stop. I don't want to see him die. So I... I gave him an ultimatum. I made him choose to either stop smoking or stop seeing me. He said I was being unfair, so I made the choice for him.”
“That's what he told me,” says Sungyeol. “He said it wasn't fair you were giving him that ultimatum when people can't just quit smoking the moment they're asked.”
“I would've been okay if he'd just said he intends to quit! Of course I know you can't just-wait,” and realization dawns upon Sungjong's face as the gears in his head begin to turn; “Myungsoo told you that?”
“Yup.”
“How much has he told you?”
“Everything, pretty much.”
“Yet you made me tell you all of that as if you hadn't heard it before?!” Sungjong does not like the amusement Sungyeol gets at his expense. Why couldn't Sungyeol have told him, before Sungjong had begun to recount his entire life story with respect to Myungsoo, that he's already heard everything from Myungsoo?
“Well I hadn't heard your side before,” reasons Sungyeol, as if it's a perfectly valid reason for Sungjong to have wasted all that breath. Sungjong huffs and turns away pointedly, visibly upset; had Sungyeol not had information of interest, Sungjong certainly would not have tolerated-
“And I told you. Myungsoo's been looking for you.”
At last, Sungjong has come back to the whole reason he'd stayed at the coffee shop in the first place. Well, now that Sungjong thinks about it, Sungyeol hasn't really promised him anything; he realizes, only now, that he probably should've asked Sungyeol beforehand what pieces of information about Myungsoo he would be willing to share with him.
Thankfully, Sungyeol isn't that mean, and Sungjong doesn't have to resort to shaming or blackmailing.
“Yup. At least, he was. He still asks about you every so often, though I don't know why he expected me to get in touch with you. I mean, we're only here because of luck, right? I'm always at this shop around this time, and not once have I seen you before.”
“I missed my bus,” admits Sungjong. Sungjong begins to wonder: Had he missed his bus on a different day, would he still have run into Sungyeol and have had this same conversation with him?
“Exactly. But back to what I was saying, I don't think he ever stopped looking for you. You should talk to him sometime, Sungjong.”
“Has he stopped smoking?” Sungjong asks, because it's the only question that comes to mind, and his eyes narrow at Sungyeol's hesitation. “Taking that as a no.”
“If he's still smoking, it's because he can't stand not having you around.”
Sungjong scoffs, loudly. “Ha! Because that totally makes sense! It's because of smoking that I'm not talking to him. If anything, he should be making more conscious efforts to quit, if he really wants me back.”
“He is trying, though.” Sungyeol sighs. By the sound of his voice, Sungjong almost suspects that their conversation has become more of a personal request. “Sungjong? Just talk to him, okay? He took it pretty badly when you left him a second time. And between you and me, you... well, you make him a better person, quite frankly. That you're willing to do something so drastic to get him to make better life decisions is proof of that.”
“But he isn't making better life decisions!” reminds Sungjong. “He doesn't care enough about his life as much as he ought to. It's been several years since he graduated with his math degree or whatever but he hasn't and won't apply for any graduate programs so he can get himself a better-”
“He's starting his Ph.D program next term," interjects Sungyeol, and Sungjong is too floored to finish his sentence to come up with an immediate response. “I told you, you make him a better person. He listens to what you say because he's crazy about you. But quitting smoking... it's not easy. All the more reason he needs you.”
“I-I...” Sungjong falters. He has too much pride. He doesn't want to step down from his ultimatum, because it would mean admitting that he hadn't made the best decision-and he hates that it's not a situation he's unfamiliar with, because he really has left Myungsoo twice now. Two times in which Sungjong wanted to help Myungsoo, but had only made things worse.
“You know, the only thing more evil than an evil itself is allowing that evil to exist. If you want him to quit smoking, then be there for him. See to it yourself that he stops.”
“I don't need your wisdom!” snaps Sungjong. Had Sungyeol always been this wise, back in their high school days together? “I know, all right? I get it. I shouldn't have left him, I did the wrong thing. I swear, it was almost like you prepared this speech knowing you'd run into me.”
“Just being a good friend for Myungsoo,” says Sungyeol with a shrug. “Now it's your turn.”
part two
PG-13, Myungsoo x Sungjong, 12212 words.
Written for sngjng's birthday. Hope it's a wonderful one!
The most important part of this story is that none of it should ever have happened.
Or, well, nothing from this point forward. But no one ever thinks about it in the moment, just how one action can change the way life is unraveled thereafter. Lee Sungjong is no exception to this rule. The only reason he steps into that coffee shop is because he's missed his usual bus and needs the energy to wait for the next one. Had he caught his bus, or even missed his bus on a different day, there might not have been a story to tell.
Sungjong is a man of purpose. He enters the shop wanting a cappuccino with low fat soy milk and an extra shot and a half of espresso (with more coffee than foam) and a dollop of whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon (and, if it's not too much trouble, three chocolate shavings), so it's a cappuccino with a bunch of specifics the barista's already forgotten that he will get. The other people patronizing the shop don't really concern him, especially not after he receives his drink only to find two chocolate shavings and not three. (“I told you, three chocolate shavings. No more, no less.”) Actually, it's only when he forces the barista to remake his drink entirely that he even bothers a glance around the shop, though his expectations aren't exactly set very high.
Perhaps it's because of this that he's taken completely by surprise when a voice calls out to him from the far side of the shop.
“Yah, Lee Sungjong~?”
Every head in the shop turns, even though only one person there bears that name. Sungjong recognizes the voice before the person's appearance: This is Lee Sungyeol, he acknowledges silently. He gives a friendly wave, but Sungyeol was never really the type to just wave, so it's not long after that Sungjong gives in to Sungyeol's enthusiasm and joins him at his table (and then gets up again because his drink's ready).
Sungjong is thoroughly irritated by the time he returns, but one glance at Sungyeol's gummy smile and he nearly forgets about everything. It's the first indication that he really is sitting with Lee Sungyeol (if he doesn't count the obnoxiously loud voice that eight years have failed to erase from his memory), and the more they converse with each other the more Sungjong is reminded of their high school days, when they were both members of the Drama Club and had both performed in several plays together; truthfully, Sungjong has no other associations with Sungyeol, being two years his junior, but they had spent a lot of time together at rehearsals, and Sungyeol is gregarious enough of a character to keep their conversation going as if they'd once been close friends. That Sungjong has a bus to catch soon escapes him, and instead of paying attention to the time Sungjong only encourages Sungyeol's conversational advances.
Sungjong finds it curious how much Sungyeol's appearance has changed over the years. Sungjong caught Sungyeol toward the end of puberty (if he remembered correctly, Sungyeol had just turned eighteen), so while eight years is certainly a long time Sungjong had not expected Sungyeol to have matured so drastically. It's in stark contrast to himself, the only underclassman to have landed a significant role in the Fall Play; Sungjong just doesn't see how leading-role Sungyeol can make the connection between his sixteen-year-old and twenty-four-year-old selves.
(Later, Sungyeol tells him it's because his eyes are unique and difficult to forget, and when Sungjong counters with the reminder that their distance had been too great to recognize his eyes, Sungyeol remarks that Sungjong is still a twig and his fashion style has not changed over the years.)
Casual talk leads them off, starting with the typical “It's funny running into you here, of all places” (though later Sungjong realizes a coffee shop is actually not that funny at all of a place to have run into Sungyeol, especially once the two start reminiscing about their plays together and their numerous coffee runs before rehearsals) and then transitioning into the even more typical “So what are you up to these days, Sungjong-ah?” (and Sungjong is unable to stop himself from talking about his educational background and his temporary job at the bookstore, even if none of it actually concerns Sungyeol), and for a while their conversation is very formulaic (if not harmless) and very much expected on Sungjong's part.
But then Sungyeol mentions the name “Kim Myungsoo” and everything changes. His expression falls the moment he notices Sungjong's tension, and he lets whatever sentence he had planned fall short in fear of having struck a bad chord. And he has, because Kim Myungsoo isn't a name Sungjong has heard for quite some time now, and though they had all had once been friends, Sungjong doesn't expect the name to surface so harmlessly in a conversation with an old high school acquaintance.
Sungjong's annoyance returns. He remembers the bus he's missed (well, buses, now) and the poorly made coffee he's been sipping (and the disastrous first attempt the barista dared to offer him), and he realizes just how crap of a day today has become. Even a friendly conversation with Sungyeol, his only saving grace of the evening, is ruined by the mere mention of Kim Myungsoo.
“I've stayed too long,” is Sungjong's polite choice of words. Sungyeol's face is that of shock, and he's quick to his feet and quick with the apologies.
“Yah, Sungjong-ah,” he says, “please don't go! I haven't been able to talk about plays and musicals in so long...”
“I'll miss the last bus.”
“That isn't for another few hours!”
“...I'll miss the last bus that'll take me home with enough time to sleep.”
“Then I'll drive you home!” Sungjong is surprised that he even gives that possibility any consideration, but the result is the same and he continues to shake his head.
“Sorry, Sungyeol. But how about I give you my number? Then you can talk to me about plays and musicals more often!”
A part of Sungjong expects Sungyeol to not give in to this compromise, since the Sungyeol he knows from eight years ago is not the type to let things go so easily, so he's surprised when Sungyeol nods in agreement; it doesn't occur to Sungjong that Sungyeol only agrees because he intends to using the extra time needed for exchanging numbers to sneak in more conversation.
“Why are you leaving so suddenly?”
“Just punch in your number and I'll-”
“Is it something I said?”
“-a text. That way you'll have my-”
“It's Myungsoo, isn't it?”
“-Yah, if you already knew, why did you even ask?!”
“So it is Myungsoo!” The mere mention of Kim Myungsoo's name has Sungjong itching to leave the coffee shop again. He doesn't want to talk about it, not here, not now. Kim Myungsoo is nothing more than an idiot who doesn't care enough about what he does with his life. Why should he, Sungjong, have to-
“You were going to send me a text?”
“Huh? ...oh, right, yeah. I just sent it.”
Sure enough, Sungyeol's phone emits a short 8-bit tone, signaling that the message's been received.
“Right, I'll save your number now." A pause. "You used to like Myungsoo, right?”
“Okay, we are done here, you don't need me here to save my number, nice running into you, buh-bye.”
“What happened between you two?”
“I'm really going, please feel free to send me a text if it's not too late, but don't bother if-”
“Myungsoo's looking for you, Sungjong-ah.”
“-to talk about… oh.” And just like that, Sungjong's desire to rush out of the shop leaves him. His feelings haven't changed, yet there's something about Kim Myungsoo not giving up on him that Sungjong finds respectable, even though he's the one to have pushed Kim Myungsoo away weeks and weeks and maybe even months or a year or two ago. (It's only been a little under a year, as Sungjong later comes to realize.)
Perhaps his leaving Kim Myungsoo had actually struck a chord? But Sungjong doesn't want to get his hopes up...
Sungjong knows he has to leave. But Sungyeol's too good at pressing all the right buttons and Sungjong can't shake the curiosity that's now crept upon him. He's convinced himself many times that he's finished with Kim Myungsoo, yet he fears if he lets this moment go then he'll only regret it later.
So, Sungjong stays.
As it turns out, Sungjong also regrets staying, because Sungyeol demands that he first explain his past with (Kim) Myungsoo. So, Sungjong starts off by doing all the talking, and all his reasons for having stayed seem to have been invalidated.
Sungjong begins with the first Spring Musical since Sungyeol's graduation, where he unexpectedly landed his first leading role; Kim Myungsoo (Sungjong omits the family name for Sungyeol's sake, but he otherwise commits to referring to that guy as formally and impersonally whenever possible) was cast for some supporting role as a blind man, but otherwise that's really the only thing he remembers from the musical.
“Already the beginnings of a budding romance,” Sungyeol teases with a laugh, and Sungjong scowls before commencing.
While Sungjong and Myungsoo shared many scenes together, the two boys rarely talked to each other offstage. They never really had any reason to. Myungsoo was a year older, so they didn't share any subjects. They didn't share any of the same friends-well, excluding Sungyeol, who had already graduated and was no longer performing with them. Not to mention, this performance was now the second time Sungjong had received the part Myungsoo had wanted and auditioned for, so there was already a bit of tension between them on Myungsoo's part. Sungjong also held the Unrequited Love card, because Myungsoo was the first crush he'd ever had.
In short, conversation between them was doomed.
He hadn't really considered his feelings for Myungsoo until Sungyeol had brought the topic up during the last Fall Play. “You keep staring at Myungsoo's face,” was what Sungyeol had said, to which Sungjong had replied with “Maybe he just has a really pretty face, okay, leave me alone,” and apparently boys didn't often call other boys' faces pretty. Sungjong had insisted that he was simply the first boy to do so, but Sungyeol hadn't really bought that, so he persisted in introducing a very unwilling Sungjong to a very apathetic Myungsoo.
It was just a simple crush, because everything Sungjong had come to know about Myungsoo up to that point was only through observation of his actions with Sungyeol. Myungsoo had a pretty face, sure, but Sungjong also liked Myungsoo's character as Sungyeol's best friend; with Sungyeol gone, Sungjong seldom saw that side of Myungsoo, but he was silently holding on in hopes of Myungsoo one day showing him his warmer side.
Still, Sungjong didn't expect the day to come so soon, let alone by Myungsoo's initiative.
“Come to my place,” said Myungsoo nonchalantly, nearly causing Sungjong to spit out the Quad Venti Soy Caramel Frappuccino with one pump white mocha, a scoop of vanilla bean powder, chips blended in, whip cream, caramel drizzle and salt he'd gotten before rehearsal.
“...to help me practice my lines, I mean.”
“Right, of course.” It took everything Sungjong had to keep the shock off his face. “Besides, what lines? You're a blind man looking for his wife.”
“All the more reason I need practice. It's hard to act blind if you've never been blind.”
“Is it also hard to act like you're looking for your wife, since you've never had a wife?” Myungsoo shrugged and said nothing, though there was still a devilish grin upon his face, one Sungjong quickly found himself not liking. In an attempt to preempt anything Myungsoo could possibly say in response, Sungjong added, “Go blindfold yourself and throw your arms out in front of you like you're some kind of zombie, or something.”
“I've never been a zombie, either.”
Sungjong paused: He wanted to ask why Myungsoo had even bothered auditioning for a role he thought he couldn't portray, but for whatever reason he held back his tongue.
“Hey. Why won't you help me out and just come over?”
“I don't know, why're you so buddy-buddy all of a sudden?”
Myungsoo shrugged. “Because you're always so unapproachable?”
“Yeah, see, that's-wait, what? You're calling me unapproachable? You're the one always wearing this apathetic 'I don't care about life' expression, how am I the unapproachable one here?”
“Because you're one wearing the 'I'm a total riot, please don't approach me or you'll get a piece of my mind' face all the time. Geez, you used to be a nicer person when Sungyeol hyung was around, but after he graduated you started avoiding me like I had the plague.”
It's because I like you, Sungjong mumbled to himself. Then, in a slightly louder voice, he added, “I just... I don't know, I always thought you were bitter because I kept stealing roles from you.”
“Why would I be bitter?” asked Myungsoo, and when Sungjong had nothing to say he gave a disbelieving laugh. “Are you serious? You really thought...?”
“I...” but Sungjong fell into silence. Had he really had it wrong the entire time? Was Myungsoo angry that they hadn't been talking this entire time?-but Myungsoo hadn't even given him so much as a thought before, not when they had only known each other through Sungyeol...
“So now that we've established I don't hate you, are you going to come over?” Sungjong's head snapped to Myungsoo, who was now examining him with a strange, dark expression. This, too, was a facial expression Sungjong found himself not fond of. “Actually, I take that back. I've made up my mind. You're coming over.”
That was how they found themselves in Myungsoo's room hours later. Fueled with a Venti-sized Frappucino's worth of caffeine, Sungjong was now teeming with enthusiasm, despite his earlier reluctance to the idea of coming over.
“You're a terrible blind man!” he shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Myungsoo's apparently terrible acting. “Do it better!”
“But that's why you're here. Help me.”
“I did. I told you, you were terrible.”
“You show me, then.” And before Sungjong could take a guess at what Myungsoo had up his sleeves, a pair of hands-Myungsoo's hands-were placed over his eyes.
“H-Hey!”
“Now you're a blind man. Do whatever it is you're supposed to do.”
“But I can see through your fingers...”
“That's not the point.” It only then dawned upon Sungjong, just how close Myungsoo was to him. He was quite certain that it was Myungsoo's breath causing the hairs on the back of his neck to stand, and it was unmistakably Myungsoo's toes that were bumping against his heels. Myungsoo must've closed the gaps between his fingers, because without a word Sungjong's vision was properly covered, and all he was left with was the heat of Myungsoo's palms as they gently cupped his face. When Myungsoo's breath tickled Sungjong's ear, it took everything Sungjong had in him to bite back a whimper, because Kim Myungsoo was now doing things to him he didn't understand...
Had he missed something? When had everything changed?
And just when Sungjong was sure his heart could not beat any faster than it was already beating, just when his senses were at their peak, Myungsoo whispered into his ear:
“Honey, is that you?”
...what.
“What.”
“It's my only line,” said Myungsoo. And he was right, that really was his only line. Myungsoo was cast as a blind man looking for his beloved, and throughout the musical his only purpose was to appear in awkward moments of the musical shouting-
“Honey, is that you?"
Was Myungsoo expecting him to repeat after him? But he supposed it was better than having to answer the question. (“Do I sound like a woman to you?” was the scripted response, though Sungjong disliked that it was still the appropriate response in this situation.)
“H-Honey, is that you?” asked Sungjong hesitantly, and it didn't take a professional actor to conclude that his acting had also been poor.
“No.” A nervous pause on Sungjong's part followed, with Myungsoo's mimicked proceeding. "You're a terrible blind man, Sungjongie. Do it better."
“Sungjongie?!” When had he taken the liberty to use such a nickname?-Sungjong scowled at the mere sound of it.
“Don't call me that...”
“Then what? Honey?”
It only then occurred to Sungjong just how much of a flirt Myungsoo was. Or well, how much of a flirt Myungsoo could make himself appear to be. But he didn't want to get his hopes up, and he hated just how much everything Myungsoo was doing affected him. Perhaps someone had dared him to mess around like this?
Yeah, that had to be it.
“But I'm not your Honey,” said Sungjong, who did not dare vocalize any of his other inner thoughts of the moment. “Do I sound like a woman to you?”
“The script never says my Honey is a woman, you know.”
Sungjong rolled his eyes.
Definitely. Flirting.
“That's my line,” said Sungjong. “Just say it so we can move on. You're the one who needs practice, not me.”
“But you aren't flailing your arms like a zombie. I have no idea what that means until I see you do it.”
“I was joking about that. You're using a walking stick anyway, you won't need to act like a zombie.”
But Myungsoo did not back down, so Sungjong reluctantly found himself repeating lines that weren't even his.
“Honey, is that you?”
“Yes, Darling, it's me.”
Had Sungjong not already finished his drink, he would certainly have spat it out this time.
“That is not my line!”
“What if I want it to be?”
Sungjong could not believe his ears. Okay, say Myungsoo actually did like him, even though Sungjong knew that could never actually be the case. What reasons did Myungsoo have to start acting on those feelings now?
But he did. Myungsoo seemed shocked-which was surprising to Sungjong, since Myungsoo had been the one to describe Sungjong's expression as 'a total riot, please don't approach me or I'll give you a piece of my mind' (and you did approach me, so you got a piece of my mind, Sungjong added to himself)-and though the sight of Myungsoo nursing his jaw made him feel somewhat guilty, Sungjong did not allow his face to show signs of it.
“Why're you so against it, anyway?” mumbled Myungsoo, rubbing his cheek as his eyes fell to the floor. “Sungyeol hyung said you liked me, and I've really liked you for a while. So, why all this resistance?”
......
“You told Myungsoo that I liked him?!” Sungjong shrieks suddenly, and Sungyeol jumps in his seat in fright. The irony of it all is that Sungjong only remembers this detail because Sungyeol has asked him to talk about his past with Myungsoo, and had Sungyeol not done so he might've gotten away with disclosing Sungjong's feelings to Myungsoo.
Or, well, such was the irony before Sungyeol gives his response.
“I didn't, though?”
“I can't-wait, what?” Sungjong stares at Sungyeol in confusion. “You didn't? But he said... he definitely said...”
Sungjong is furious. Okay, he isn't one hundred percent sure if his memories are completely accurate, if Myungsoo had really said that line. But Sungjong can't picture that scene having happened any other way. No, Sungjong is sure his memories are correct, Myungsoo must've played him and Sungyeol both.
“Not that I had a reason not to,” mumbles Sungjong. “And I haven't seen you since, so I couldn't confirm it with you until, well, five minutes ago.”
“I like to tease, but I'm not that mean,” Sungyeol says with a laugh. “But back to what you were saying. You guys pretty much got together. Then what?”
Sungjong doesn't even question why Sungyeol's made this assumption. But it's true: By the end of that night, Sungjong's heart was ready for Myungsoo's taking, and the amount of time spent together only escalated. Truthfully, Sungjong can't say he remembers every detail of their relationship, but he does remember it being everything a typical first love should be: experimental and awkward.
Sungjong remembers the important dates and the small details, but very little in between. He knows his first kiss did not occur very long after that night (Sungjong remembers little of it, only that Myungsoo had told him he needed to try being more responsive, which had only earned Myungsoo several days of the silent treatment for having said something so stupid and embarrassing), and their first date didn't take place until after their Spring Musical had passed. He remembers the burning touch of Myungsoo's fingers laced with his, as if it were only yesterday, but he does not remember the where or when or why. In fact, except for Myungsoo's overconfidence in making Sungjong fall for him (Sungjong refuses to evaluate whether Myungsoo had been successful), Sungjong has little complaint, because there hadn't been anything wrong with their relationship.
“So then...?” and Sungjong completely expects Sungyeol's question when it's asked. Sungjong begins to wonder how things would have changed if their relationship had not ended in that moment. Would they still be together? Would they merely have broken up at a different time and place down the road? Would Myungsoo still have a reason to be looking for him?
Speaking of which, Sungjong only just realizes, he's still far from being told that reason. But he has a feeling Sungyeol won't let him cut any corners, so he quickly summarizes the events of nearly one year and continues his story with the day he'd made his first mistake.
Winter skies were never really Sungjong's thing, but it wasn't until the bus ride to Myungsoo's high school graduation that he realized just how much he disliked them.
It was now February, almost an entire year since he and Myungsoo had started dating. (More specifically, it was sixty-four days until one year after having been at Myungsoo's house for the first time, seventy-one days until one year after having been kissed by Myungsoo for the first time, and seventy-three days until one year after having gone on their first date-but it wasn't like Sungjong had a phone application counting down the days for him, of course not.) They'd had a pretty healthy relationship, or as healthy of a relationship as anyone could have had with Lee Sungjong, and once Sungjong had gotten over his initial shock that his first crush was now his boyfriend he'd been able to appreciate time spent with him more.
(Well, Sungjong had some complaints, like the way Myungsoo would knowingly smirk at him every time he did something to Sungjong's liking, or the way his fingers would wander much too curiously whenever they kissed, or the way Myungsoo would call him 'Honey' and 'Darling' and dare he say 'Princess' because Myungsoo knew just how much it bothered him. But, Sungjong knew relationships weren't always perfect, and as much as he refused to give Myungsoo satisfaction for his actions, at the end of the day he enjoyed the feeling of being the center of someone else's world. Namely, Myungsoo's.)
But today... today was different. Today, Myungsoo was graduating from high school. It was a splendid accomplishment for Myungsoo, and Sungjong was proud of him in this sense. Yet it was cold proof that they would no longer be attending the same school for the upcoming year. No longer could they walk home together and spend their afternoons hanging out and just being in each other's presence. Myungsoo would have evening classes, be involved with university organizations, be busy studying with his classmates...
Was Sungjong jealous? Possibly. But he'd had weeks to come to terms with it, despite how needy of a person he was. He'd convinced himself he would have weekends and holidays to see Myungsoo. Besides, Myungsoo would still be living at his parents' house, so it wasn't as if the distance between them would change. He was sure it'd be fine.
Yet Sungjong could not shake off the feeling of doubt. Myungsoo's hands were shaking and balled into fists, and his posture was stiff. Any words that left Myungsoo's lips were terse; his sentences, incomplete. He was wearing the same emotionless face that Sungjong was accustomed to seeing him with when he was around others. Sungjong was sure it was just Myungsoo's way of coping, because Sungjong couldn't possibly be the only of the two worrying over their possible future together.
Sungjong wanted this to work. But he couldn't think of anything to say to Myungsoo to lighten the mood. Graduation was meant to be a happy moment for the finishing high school student, yet Sungjong could tell Myungsoo was anything but happy. (Had Sungjong been any other student, he would've said Myungsoo was happy and was simply choosing not to show it. But Sungjong had spent enough time with Myungsoo over the months, and Sungjong knew Myungsoo was capable of showing genuine happiness. So, Myungsoo was definitely not happy.)
Having to part from such a conflicted-looking Myungsoo was difficult for Sungjong. Myungsoo had not even offered him a smile. Furious with himself, and overwhelmed with more self-questioning, Sungjong found his way to the auditorium and took a seat toward the back.
Sungjong observed from afar as the ceremonies commenced. Not once did he think about how in one year's time it would be him in those seats at the front of the auditorium (though, when it came time for Sungjong to graduate, he did look back on this day). His eyes were too focused on the back of Myungsoo's head. His mind still burned with the emotionless expression Myungsoo had given him earlier.
He never questioned Myungsoo's feelings before, because Myungsoo had been the one to come on to him. But now? What if Myungsoo was starting to realize just how much of a burden dating Sungjong would be?
Sungjong now regretted sitting alone, because his doubts were beginning to consume him. Weeks and weeks of convincing were crumbling before him. Was wanting their relationship to work too selfish of him? If Myungsoo couldn't properly be himself at his own graduation, what more for his studies?
Sungjong wanted Myungsoo to be happy. But breaking up with him was more than just saying goodbye to their future, wasn't it? He would be saying goodbye to the year spent with Myungsoo. The past was the past, sure, and nothing could be erased or undone, but he simply... would not be able to look back at and treasure memories spent together in the same way, not anymore.
He would lose the hugs, the kisses, the discreet hand holding on the bus-even the name calling. Would he really be okay without Myungsoo?
(But the question Sungjong should have asked was: “Would Myungsoo be okay without me?”)
When the ceremony was finally over, Sungjong exited the building and was met with the same gloomy overcast. He hated winter skies, and he wondered if a brighter sky would have lifted his spirits any.
In the end, he had still cheered the loudest when Myungsoo had been called to stage. Seeing him had still given Sungjong the fluttering feeling he had whenever he was around him. Nothing was wrong, nothing but Myungsoo's affliction.
Nothing was wrong, and that was exactly what was killing Sungjong on the inside. Because nothing was wrong, yet they were both suffering.
“Hey Gorgeous, thanks for coming out and... Sungjong?”
Sungjong couldn't even bring himself to acknowledge Myungsoo's presence, and the more Myungsoo continued to talk, the further his guilty conscience was driving him toward the point of no return.
“Hey... did I do something? I know I was a bit moody this morning, but-”
“M-Myungsoo,” began Sungjong, his voice shaking with each word; “I-I... can't. I-I'm sorry.”
A silence fell over them both. Sungjong didn't dare turn around, even as a hand was placed firmly upon his shoulder.
“Sorry for... sorry for what? Sungjong?”
The hesitance in Myungsoo's voice-no, fear, it was definitely fear-was enough for Sungjong to pull away from Myungsoo's touch.
That Myungsoo caught on to Sungjong's sentiment did not surprise Sungjong at all.
“You want to break up with me.”
“What did I tell you about saying things so bluntly?” asked Sungjong in exasperation.
“It's not embarrassing, though it is stupid.” A painful pause, and then: “So, just like that?”
Sungjong could not defend himself. He wanted to tell Myungsoo that it wasn't something he wanted to do, but rather something he felt he needed to do, but he could not. It was too painful to talk about his feelings and his reasons. It had never been his thing.
Sungjong's only confirmation was his failed attempt to choke back a sob. No further words were spoken; by the time Sungjong finally mustered the courage to turn around, Myungsoo was gone.
Sungyeol awkwardly chooses this moment to use the bathroom and to order another drink, which leaves Sungjong alone in both his retelling and in the present. For a fleeting moment Sungjong wonders if what he'd done had been the right decision, but he is quick to remind himself that the seventeen-year-old Sungjong was allowed to make mistakes, so long as the Sungjong of the present learns from those mistakes. Still, he can't help but to feel bitter over his actions, because that Myungsoo had truthfully been his ideal type of boyfriend, and he seldom meets men these days who want to shake his hand before his penis.
He does wonder if a change in his actions would have changed the Myungsoo he'd met a few years later, though Sungjong is getting ahead of himself, because Sungyeol doesn't know this much yet. So, Sungjong sits in his chair and glances around the shop, like a child bored at his parent's Bring Your Child to Work event, and he impatiently waits for Sungyeol to return.
As expected, it doesn't take Sungyeol long to ask all the right questions. He asks if Sungjong has ever seen Myungsoo since, and if this is really the reason he and Myungsoo have been separated all these years. So Sungjong says no, that hadn't been the last time he'd seen Myungsoo, and it's definitely not the reason he'd been so taken aback to having heard Myungsoo's name earlier that evening.
“After college,” begins Sungjong, and he talks about the first job he'd landed after having graduated with a degree in Studio Art: a phone interviewer at a call center. Sungjong agreed to it because he couldn't find any jobs relevant to his educational background (or, well, not immediately) and because he needed the money. “It was a kind of limbo,” is how Sungjong describes it to Sungyeol, though he ended up keeping the job for longer than he would have liked.
Part of the reason was that it'd been a stable source of income, but it was mostly because of Myungsoo. They were reunited in the strangest of ways: Sungjong had needed to use the bathroom during his lunch break, only to find Myungsoo washing his hands in said bathroom. But it was not until when he'd exited the bathroom only to find Myungsoo waiting for him that he understood just whose face he'd seen through the mirror.
“...” And only after noticing Myungsoo's faint smile did Sungjong realize that, yes, this was the boy he'd dumped on his graduation day in favor of his own insecurities, and yes, he was in fact smiling at him despite what he'd done that day. That he would meet that very boy five years later, when Myungsoo was now a (very attractive) man, Sungjong could never have imagined-though, as Sungjong has come to realize, there are a lot of things in his past that he could never have come to expect.
“I've been looking for you,” was all Myungsoo had to say, and Sungjong was gone. Gone, in the sense that Sungjong immediately fled the scene, but also in the sense that his heart had fallen for the man who'd once captured his heart.
For the rest of that work day, neither man spoke to each other, nor did they see much of each other. Sungjong caught a glimpse of Myungsoo returning to his cubicle-which, thankfully, was on the other side of the floor, and that was probably why Sungjong had never noticed him there before-and he made it a point to not stand up or otherwise make himself visible to Myungsoo.
Sungjong had a guilty conscience, and consequently every minute felt like an hour. Even if Sungjong somehow managed to escape confrontation, there would still be tomorrow and the next day and the day after next and...
He couldn't do this forever. He needed a new job.
Okay, maybe he was being a little over dramatic, but was it wrong to feel guilty? Sungjong still remembered the day well, because he'd spent his entire last year of high school thinking about it. He hadn't even congratulated Myungsoo that day, nor had he given Myungsoo closure (though, to be fair, Myungsoo had been the one to leave first). What had gotten Sungjong the most, though, was that he hadn't confirmed that Myungsoo had actually felt the way Sungjong thought he might have, that he might've let go of Myungsoo for completely unfounded reasons.
It was pride. Sungjong did not want to and could not admit to Myungsoo that he'd been in the wrong.
Two more confrontations followed their first, and each time Sungjong found one excuse or another to leave. But eventually Myungsoo cornered him at the bus stop (though it wasn't really cornering, because Sungjong had plenty of escape routes, but he didn't really feel like walking all the way home-or even to the next stop-and was thus forced to wait for his bus alongside Myungsoo), and while Sungjong was still very much afraid for what might be said, Myungsoo did not permit him to speak.
“Just listen to me,” said Myungsoo, and Sungjong did not dare challenge the frustration in his voice. “What happened... then... we can't change it. If I did something wrong, tell me-”
“You did nothing wrong-”
“-so then can't we let it go?” There was so much conflict upon Myungsoo's face, and Sungjong could not bear the sight of it. Had breaking up with him really made things any better?-no, Sungjong knew staying together would only have hurt Myungsoo and his studies. The real problem was the way Sungjong had done it.
Myungsoo continued. “I admit, I hated that you walked out on me. But I never once stopped thinking about you. You were… my princess… always will be.”
“Don't say stupid things,” scolded Sungjong, though there was a hint of a smile upon his face as he said this.
“...you're the same. That makes me happy.” There was a pause, and Sungjong was sure he could hear his own heart racing. “Sungjongie. Let go of the past, okay? I don't care where we go from here. I'd love for you to walk beside me, so I can hold your hand, but I don't mind if you walk ahead of me, so I never lose sight of you. Just don't walk too far ahead. Don't leave me behind. Don't run away from me. Please.”
“Cheesy!” declares Sungyeol suddenly, but Sungjong is too absorbed in his recollection to comment. Sungjong had always been taken by Myungsoo's tendency to single him out as the only object of importance in his world. That night had been no exception, and while he could not yet put his insecurities to rest, he allowed himself to be swept away in the addiction that was Kim Myungsoo.
Sungjong had two conclusions to choose from: either he had missed the most crucial five years of Myungsoo's life, or he hadn't known Myungsoo very well at all.
Myungsoo had apparently graduated with a degree in math and had apparently enjoyed math a lot in high school, and Sungjong had not expected either of these things. He had also only participated in school plays and musicals to spend more time with Sungjong, which Sungjong found to be ridiculous since they hadn't even started dating until nearly the end of their second performance together.
(“Why me?” was the question Sungjong forgot to ask, because the thought of high-school-Myungsoo following his high school self everywhere when they were still barely acquainted was a bit concerning for him. He was curious why Myungsoo had singled him out, even back then, but he hadn't thought to ask.)
Sungjong had chosen to walk ahead of Myungsoo, metaphorically speaking, instead of having chosen to walk by his side. They were older now, wiser perhaps, and despite their agreement to forget the past, it proved difficult to move forward without being mindful of their previous troubles. So, they were just friends who happened to work together, nothing more, even though Sungjong knew Myungsoo's feelings and intentions well. In the future, Sungjong was sure the nature of their relationship would likely surface into conversation, but for now both men were contented with taking things slowly.
“So, I'm still confused,” begins Sungyeol, once Sungjong has finished again. “This only happened last year, right? You guys were reunited but never dated. If you didn't have relationship problems, then what happened?-unless you're angry at him because he never did ask you out again, which is something I can totally see you doing.”
“Am I really that mean?" Sungjong asks (rhetorically, really, but Sungyeol answers him affirmatively and Sungjong regrets having asked). "No, it's not because of that...”
“Then?” Sungjong isn't sure why he hesitates. He's sure Sungyeol will finally tell him more about Myungsoo. Perhaps it's because Sungjong doesn't want Sungyeol to judge him for his actions.
There's only one way to know for sure. Sungjong takes a deep breath, though he doesn't have much to say, before whispering quietly.
“Myungsoo smokes.”
“I know he does.”
“...you do?” Sungjong blinks, sincerely confused by Sungyeol's response. Smoking is a big deal to Sungjong-he doesn't understand why people willingly start smoking when they know it only leads to an early death-so he's a bit puzzled that Sungyeol isn't surprised by this news.
“He's my best friend, remember?” Sungyeol quickly clarifies, sensing Sungjong's confusion. “I might not have seen you in eight years, but I saw Myungsoo just last week. He's been smoking for a number of years now, hasn't he? I can't say I approve...”
“I wanted him to stop. I don't want to see him die. So I... I gave him an ultimatum. I made him choose to either stop smoking or stop seeing me. He said I was being unfair, so I made the choice for him.”
“That's what he told me,” says Sungyeol. “He said it wasn't fair you were giving him that ultimatum when people can't just quit smoking the moment they're asked.”
“I would've been okay if he'd just said he intends to quit! Of course I know you can't just-wait,” and realization dawns upon Sungjong's face as the gears in his head begin to turn; “Myungsoo told you that?”
“Yup.”
“How much has he told you?”
“Everything, pretty much.”
“Yet you made me tell you all of that as if you hadn't heard it before?!” Sungjong does not like the amusement Sungyeol gets at his expense. Why couldn't Sungyeol have told him, before Sungjong had begun to recount his entire life story with respect to Myungsoo, that he's already heard everything from Myungsoo?
“Well I hadn't heard your side before,” reasons Sungyeol, as if it's a perfectly valid reason for Sungjong to have wasted all that breath. Sungjong huffs and turns away pointedly, visibly upset; had Sungyeol not had information of interest, Sungjong certainly would not have tolerated-
“And I told you. Myungsoo's been looking for you.”
At last, Sungjong has come back to the whole reason he'd stayed at the coffee shop in the first place. Well, now that Sungjong thinks about it, Sungyeol hasn't really promised him anything; he realizes, only now, that he probably should've asked Sungyeol beforehand what pieces of information about Myungsoo he would be willing to share with him.
Thankfully, Sungyeol isn't that mean, and Sungjong doesn't have to resort to shaming or blackmailing.
“Yup. At least, he was. He still asks about you every so often, though I don't know why he expected me to get in touch with you. I mean, we're only here because of luck, right? I'm always at this shop around this time, and not once have I seen you before.”
“I missed my bus,” admits Sungjong. Sungjong begins to wonder: Had he missed his bus on a different day, would he still have run into Sungyeol and have had this same conversation with him?
“Exactly. But back to what I was saying, I don't think he ever stopped looking for you. You should talk to him sometime, Sungjong.”
“Has he stopped smoking?” Sungjong asks, because it's the only question that comes to mind, and his eyes narrow at Sungyeol's hesitation. “Taking that as a no.”
“If he's still smoking, it's because he can't stand not having you around.”
Sungjong scoffs, loudly. “Ha! Because that totally makes sense! It's because of smoking that I'm not talking to him. If anything, he should be making more conscious efforts to quit, if he really wants me back.”
“He is trying, though.” Sungyeol sighs. By the sound of his voice, Sungjong almost suspects that their conversation has become more of a personal request. “Sungjong? Just talk to him, okay? He took it pretty badly when you left him a second time. And between you and me, you... well, you make him a better person, quite frankly. That you're willing to do something so drastic to get him to make better life decisions is proof of that.”
“But he isn't making better life decisions!” reminds Sungjong. “He doesn't care enough about his life as much as he ought to. It's been several years since he graduated with his math degree or whatever but he hasn't and won't apply for any graduate programs so he can get himself a better-”
“He's starting his Ph.D program next term," interjects Sungyeol, and Sungjong is too floored to finish his sentence to come up with an immediate response. “I told you, you make him a better person. He listens to what you say because he's crazy about you. But quitting smoking... it's not easy. All the more reason he needs you.”
“I-I...” Sungjong falters. He has too much pride. He doesn't want to step down from his ultimatum, because it would mean admitting that he hadn't made the best decision-and he hates that it's not a situation he's unfamiliar with, because he really has left Myungsoo twice now. Two times in which Sungjong wanted to help Myungsoo, but had only made things worse.
“You know, the only thing more evil than an evil itself is allowing that evil to exist. If you want him to quit smoking, then be there for him. See to it yourself that he stops.”
“I don't need your wisdom!” snaps Sungjong. Had Sungyeol always been this wise, back in their high school days together? “I know, all right? I get it. I shouldn't have left him, I did the wrong thing. I swear, it was almost like you prepared this speech knowing you'd run into me.”
“Just being a good friend for Myungsoo,” says Sungyeol with a shrug. “Now it's your turn.”
part two