002-1: To bear witness to your heart (Chanyeol x Kyungsoo)
To bear witness to your heart
PG-13, Chanyeol x Kyungsoo, 8009 words
for aideshou challenge #5, prompts 1+2
Kyungsoo is seven years old when eight-year-old Chanyeol moves into his room.
“You’re Kyungsoo,” says Chanyeol, jabbing Kyungsoo in the forehead with one slender finger. He recites from memory, as if he’d been told something by one of the adults beforehand. Of course, Kyungsoo registers none of this, because he’s too focused on the fact that the new kid has poked him for seemingly no reason.
“Oww, wha-?”
“You have huge eyes,” continues Chanyeol, without missing a beat. “I bet you see everything.”
But Kyungsoo doesn’t see everything, because he’s too young to see what the world is hiding from him, because his curiosity extends only to that which is visibly in front of him. He doesn’t really understand why Chanyeol moves in with him, nor does he understand why he’s no longer sharing a room with Baekhyun, and it isn’t just because Chanyeol doesn’t spare Kyungsoo the opportunity to think. Kyungsoo barely even understands why he is there-what more for anyone else around him?
“Who are-?” begins Kyungsoo, but Chanyeol quickly finishes the inquiry for him.
“My name is Chanyeol! From now on, I’m sleeping here. So, which bed is mine?”
Kyungsoo only has to lift a finger and Chanyeol dives headfirst into the unmade bed.
“Are… are you my brother, too?” Kyungsoo asks quietly. Perhaps it’s because Chanyeol’s trying his hardest to recall the answer he’d been told to say, or perhaps it’s because Chanyeol’s too busy rolling on his mattress, but Chanyeol doesn’t respond immediately and Kyungsoo completely misses the delay.
“Yeah,” is what Chanyeol finally tells him. “I’m your brother, too. So please treat me kindly, okay?”
“I will!”
Kyungsoo’s enthusiasm is solely a consequence of his innocence. So Kyungsoo treats Chanyeol kindly, though naively and for all the wrong reasons.
Kyungsoo comes to understand that Chanyeol does a lot of things for seemingly no reason. The problem with Chanyeol is that he gets bored easily, so when class isn’t in session he either finds things to occupy himself with or forces the responsibility of entertaining him onto someone else.
Being Chanyeol’s roommate, Kyungsoo finds himself entertaining Chanyeol rather often. “Let’s go pick at some grass and sprinkle them in Joonmyun hyung’s hair,” Chanyeol would say, for instance, and regardless of what Kyungsoo was currently doing or of his personal feelings for the suggestion, Kyungsoo would drop everything just to humor Chanyeol.
Their relationship develops in this fashion, and even though Kyungsoo was meant to be the one to show Chanyeol around the school, ultimately it is Chanyeol who, on a whim, drags Kyungsoo everywhere.
Kyungsoo doesn’t think much of it, though. He sees Chanyeol as the new kid who needs friends, and despite Chanyeol’s mischievous streak Kyungsoo continues to stay by Chanyeol’s side, even though Chanyeol is a little more demanding than his other brothers.
Christmas comes around much sooner than Kyungsoo expects, because time flies quickly when he’s busy laughing alongside Chanyeol. (Kyungsoo remembers a time when he used to withhold his laughter whenever Chanyeol was around in an attempt to discourage Chanyeol’s mischief, but nowadays he doesn’t bother.)
Kyungsoo is used to getting gifts from the other boys, so he’s not particularly surprised when Chanyeol also gives him something, too. What catches Kyungsoo off guard, however, is the gift Chanyeol presents to him.
“Socks,” Chanyeol says nonchalantly, and he points to the holey ones on Kyungsoo’s feet. “You wear the same two pairs, and both have holes in them.”
Kyungsoo somehow doesn’t expect Chanyeol to notice small details like these, so instead of giving Chanyeol his thanks Kyungsoo comes off as a flustered and stuttering mess.
“It’s okay, I know. Socks, so unfathomable. I’ve left you dumbfounded.”
“Stop using words from our vocabulary tests,” Kyungsoo manages, but Chanyeol pays him no heed.
“Did you get me anything, then? Huh, huh, did you?” But Kyungsoo hasn’t, not yet, and this news disappoints Chanyeol. “What, no way! That’s a bummer. I was so looking forward to-”
“I will, tomorrow!”
“But Christmas is today, Kyungsoo. You’re late, and I won’t accept it!”
“I’ll give you, uh, my friendship!”
“I already have that!” Chanyeol cries indignantly. Kyungsoo, unfortunately, is out of excuses. “But, since you’re offering, how about you give me a tradition?”
“A… what?”
“A tradition!” Chanyeol exclaims, eyes lighting up at the thought. “Something we can do every Christmas, just the two of us. That’d be an awesome gift.”
But despite how awesome of a gift Chanyeol claims it would make, it takes nearly half an hour for the both of them to come up with a tradition they can actually maintain. The idea is Kyungsoo’s, somewhat: Each Christmas, starting from that day, the two would measure and mark their heights against the doorpost, so that each could compare heights with each other and track his height over the years to come.
“But everyone does that,” Chanyeol grumbles, dissatisfied. “We have to make it even more special.”
“How?”
“Hmm.” Chanyeol taps his chin in thought. “How about each year, instead of just notches or whatever, we draw different symbols to mark our height. I’ll draw yours, and you draw mine.”
“How does that-?” begins Kyungsoo, but as always he is cut off.
“Every year you have to come up with something that happened during that year to you, me, or both of us, something that made you happy. And then, you use the symbol I draw for you as a reminder! Doesn’t that sound fun?”
“I-”
“And then, after we measure our heights for the new year, we have to recite the meaning of all the other symbols! And if you forget one, you lose!”
“This sounds more like a New Year’s tradition,” Kyungsoo mumbles, though Chanyeol doesn’t hear him. Leave it to Chanyeol to twist his initial suggestion into something much greater. Kyungsoo does like the idea though, so it’s not long before a star and a tiny ‘친구’ are etched into the fine wood of the doorpost.
“Use symbols!” Chanyeol whines, and Kyungsoo responds by arguing Chanyeol never mentioned not using Hangul characters.
“Besides,” continues Kyungsoo, “I don’t know how else to describe you besides ‘Friend,’ so I didn’t know what to draw.”
“How about a blade of grass, for the time I sprinkled grass in Minseok hyung’s hair?”
“I thought that was Joonmyun hyung.”
Chanyeol merely shrugs.
“Anyway, what’s the star for?”
“In Jesus class,” begins Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo does a terrible job at hiding his amusement; “hey, don’t laugh, okay?! But the star represented his birth or something, right? So this star is like the birth of our friendship… it just made sense, you know?”
“Birth of our friendship,” Kyungsoo says quietly to himself. “Okay. I think I can remember that.”
Kyungsoo sees a psychiatrist, though Kyungsoo doesn’t call him that, nor does Kyungsoo know why he keeps making visits. For as long as he can remember, he’s visited Mr. Cho once every month, and while his visits are still mandatory, Kyungsoo has no complaints because he likes seeing the young man smile.
Their visits follow a structure, though Kyungsoo’s too young to notice. Kyungsoo does nearly all of the talking, and such is always the case, or at least after they’d overcome the initial visits. They talk about anything and everything, from all of Kyungsoo’s brothers (Minseok, Joonmyun, Jongdae, and Chanyeol) to his academic endeavors (Kyungsoo has recently picked up piano, for which he’s found a passion), and Kyungsoo barely ever notices when they run out of time.
“Save it for next time!” Mr. Cho would say cheerily, and that would mark the end of the visit.
But this time it’s different, and while Kyungsoo isn’t perceptive enough to notice a general backbone to their visits, he does notice when something disrupts the familiarity, namely:
“You seem happier these days,” Mr. Cho remarks as Kyungsoo gets up to leave, in lieu of his usual salutation. “Is it because of your new roommate?”
“N-No!” Kyungsoo stammers. But by his next visit his answer changes to an affirmative one, and somehow Chanyeol becomes the center of most of their future conversation.
Kyungsoo still remembers by the time the following Christmas comes around, and Chanyeol is overjoyed.
But it’s not fair, Kyungsoo thinks to himself, because Chanyeol’s grown several centimeters since last Christmas, whereas he’s only barely taller than the symbol Chanyeol had last drawn for him. It then occurs to Kyungsoo that eventually they’ll stop growing, because in science class they learned humans only grow so much before remaining at a certain height forever. What would they do, then? Would they draw on top of already existing symbols, perhaps literally replacing memories with more memories? Would they simply draw beside the other symbols? Or would the tradition stop altogether?
It’s a bridge Kyungsoo doesn’t cross, not at that age, and it isn’t just because Chanyeol doesn’t spare Kyungsoo the opportunity to think. In the past year, Chanyeol has become his closest brother, and Kyungsoo is wary of entertaining the idea of stopping something so special between them. So, he doesn’t.
“What’s the cross mean?” asks Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo revisits the memory of Chanyeol falling ill on Kyungsoo’s birthday. It’s a memory Kyungsoo can’t easily forget, because he did not expect to wake up on his birthday to find a feverish Chanyeol unable to leave his bed; the fever itself lasted several days, and by the time Chanyeol had recovered Kyungsoo caught the illness, so mentioning his birthday became the furthest thing from mind.
Many months later though, Kyungsoo supposes it’s worth mentioning, and to say Chanyeol agrees is an understatement.
“How could you not tell me something like your birthday?!” Chanyeol yells, clearly upset with this news. “Do you know how late I am? I bet by now it’s almost your next birthday!”
“My birthday’s in three weeks, I think,” says Kyungsoo, though it’s not as if he’s counting down the days.
“See, exactly! It’s unacceptable! And on top of the gift I got you for Christmas, I have to get you one for your last birthday and your next one!”
“You don’t have to,” mutters Kyungsoo in protest, several times in fact, but Chanyeol pays him no heed, nor does Kyungsoo expect him to.
“Next year, I’m drawing you a crown, so that I never forget your birthday again.”
“Bet you’ll forget,” Kyungsoo teases, and when Chanyeol puffs his cheeks and storms out of their room, Kyungsoo decides that he really does find Chanyeol’s annoyance rather adorable, even if Chanyeol is the older (and taller, Kyungsoo adds to himself bitterly) of the two.
Chanyeol does forget to use a crown for the following Christmas’s symbol, but he still gets Kyungsoo all the gifts he’s promised, and he doesn’t forget Kyungsoo’s birthday when it comes around eighteen days later. So, in Kyungsoo’s book, Chanyeol is forgiven, and all is well.
Sometimes Kyungsoo forgets that he’s younger than Chanyeol, not only because their teachers regard them as equals, but also because he’s usually the one chasing after Chanyeol. Chanyeol is playful and mischievous, though it isn’t to say Kyungsoo isn’t, and between them it is usually Chanyeol who lightens the mood; despite their height, Chanyeol’s demeanor tends to suggest that he is the younger of the two.
But Chanyeol is the older one, strictly speaking, and Kyungsoo is reminded of this every so often. Usually, it’s when Kyungsoo is suffering from stress for one reason or another, like perhaps because of an upcoming test or piano recital. Kyungsoo takes comfort in Chanyeol’s embrace, even though Chanyeol’s arms are lanky and somewhat wiry, and Chanyeol always manages to find the right words to put Kyungsoo’s insecurities and worries to rest.
Innocence is first compromised with the arrival of Oh Sehun.
Kyungsoo is ten years old when Sehun moves into Jongin’s room. He wants to greet and welcome the new kid, because he’s certain Sehun must be another one of his brothers, and he finds it strange that it’s Chanyeol, of all people, who is discouraging him from seeing Sehun.
“He’s not your brother,” Chanyeol mumbles uncharacteristically for the umpteenth time.
“You don’t know-” begins Kyungsoo, but yet again Chanyeol cuts him off.
“He’s not, Kyungsoo. He’s not even our age, just leave him alone.” So Kyungsoo does leave Sehun alone, though Kyungsoo doesn’t find it fair at all. After all, he humors Chanyeol’s whims-why is Chanyeol so opposed to him, the one time he wants to do something?
But as if fated to meet, Kyungsoo does eventually run into Sehun, and the two of them are alone. Chanyeol’s voice is in the back of his mind, though he pays it no heed, perhaps foolishly so.
“I am not your brother!” Sehun cries, though Kyungsoo’s attention is on the fist that connects with his shoulder. “Is this some kind of sick joke?”
Sehun doesn’t wait for an answer, nor does Kyungsoo give one in Sehun’s absence. Kyungsoo is left with the sting of being misunderstood. But Kyungsoo is still too young to see what the world is hiding him, and he doesn’t understand that he, not Sehun, is the one who is in the dark.
Kyungsoo feels guilty on two fronts: Kyungsoo has given the new boy a bad first impression, and he’s also gone against Chanyeol’s advice. So, that night, he apologizes to Chanyeol, and while he doesn’t explicitly mention the exact reason for which he’s apologizing, Chanyeol already knows it’s because of Sehun.
They sleep in the same bed that night, for the first but not last time, and as Chanyeol holds him tightly and urges Kyungsoo in hushed whispers to sleep and forget about what he’s done, Kyungsoo asks,
“Are you really my brother?”
The question is fragile, and it affirms Chanyeol’s assumptions regarding Kyungsoo’s apologies, but Chanyeol thinks Kyungsoo is still the more fragile of the two. Perhaps Chanyeol is still reciting from memory when he answers affirmatively. But truthfully, the “Yeah, I’m your brother too” is because Chanyeol already sees what Kyungsoo does not.
Chanyeol is a good five centimeters taller than Kyungsoo when his mischief finally sends the both of them to detention, and it completely bewilders Kyungsoo that, after having been by his side for nearly five years, this is actually the first time he’s being punished for his pranks.
They’re not supposed to talk to each other, but Chanyeol does it anyway.
“This will definitely be our memory for the year, okay?”
“Hey, do you think Minseok hyung ever got that mustard out of his shirt?”
“Do you still remember when you got on Sehun’s bad side? I heard he tried to pick a fight with Jongin the other day, did you hear about that?”
“Do you even remember when I first met you, Kyungsoo?”
“I just realized, I know nothing about you. I mean, before I met you.”
“I’m hungry.”
Chanyeol holds a conversation with himself for an entire hour, because the problem with Chanyeol is that he gets bored easily. But Kyungsoo listens, even if he chooses not to respond, though it’s only after they’re released from detention that Kyungsoo explains to Chanyeol that he remembers very little about his life before having met him.
“I don’t remember my parents’ faces anymore,” Kyungsoo says quietly, because the thought of not remembering his parents saddens him. “What were they like?”
“Huh?”
“Our parents,” repeats Kyungsoo. “You were with them before you started school here, right?”
“Uh… no. I wasn’t.” Technically, Chanyeol isn’t lying. But he doesn’t want to tell Kyungsoo the truth, not now, so he attempts to steer their conversation elsewhere. “Hey, so does this mean I’m your earliest memory?”
“I… yeah, I guess it does.”
“…sweet. Hey, let’s go find Jongin, maybe Sehun’s gotten to him already.” And before Kyungsoo can process Chanyeol’s words, Chanyeol abandons the lesson he’s learned from detention and runs off seeking more mischief. Kyungsoo gives chase, and his parents become the furthest thought from his mind.
“Treasure that which makes you happy,” says Mr. Cho during one particular visit, and in that moment Kyungsoo realizes just how much he likes having Chanyeol around.
What he does not realize, not in that moment, is how much he takes Chanyeol’s presence for granted.
Innocence is compromised again when thirteen-year-old Kyungsoo wakes up in the middle of the night to Chanyeol’s heavy breathing. Kyungsoo instinctively assumes Chanyeol’s picked up a fever, and Chanyeol does have a history of serious illnesses (namely, just one instance), so he thinks he’s doing the right thing when he climbs out of bed and presses the back of his hand against an unsuspecting Chanyeol’s neck to check his temperature.
Chanyeol is hot, but for all the wrong reasons, and the last thing Kyungsoo expects to see is Chanyeol’s hand down his pants. Kyungsoo doesn’t really understand what Chanyeol had been doing, even after Chanyeol hastily tries to explain himself the day after. It’s a point of no return, especially after Chanyeol catches Kyungsoo in the act of trying it out for himself several weeks later.
(Kyungsoo doesn’t appreciate the penis Chanyeol draws for him that year, so when Chanyeol isn’t looking he changes it to a rocket ship. Chanyeol loses the following year because he simply cannot remember for the life of him what a rocket ship could possibly symbolize, and though he is the first of them to lose with respect to their ongoing tradition, Kyungsoo receives no prize.)
They learn about love in Language Arts, and Kyungsoo is full of questions, because it’s supposedly not the same Love which they’d discussed in Religion (“Jesus Class,” as Kyungsoo puts it, if only to tease Chanyeol for the singular moment in which he’d used that term). Kyungsoo gets the concept of intangible nouns, which was their initial lesson for the day, but love poses a condition he can’t seem to grasp, so after class Chanyeol does his best to explain.
“Love’s for a special someone whom you want to spend all your life with.”
“Like you?” Kyungsoo asks, because he’s known Chanyeol for longer than he can remember now, and though he’s still young and naive Kyungsoo is sure he can’t imagine a life in which he does not see Chanyeol’s smile at least once daily.
Chanyeol flushes at his response, and the concept of ‘wanting to spend your life with someone’ goes completely unnoticed by Kyungsoo. “Nah, not me. I’m not that kind of special. Besides, I’m not a girl.”
“What do you consider special? And why would you have to be a girl?”
Chanyeol shrugs and addresses the latter question first. “That’s what our teacher said, right? ‘Love is something a boy feels for a very special girl’ I guess boys are meant to love girls.”
“But why?” asks Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol doesn’t respond immediately. It’s something Kyungsoo won’t easily understand, because he’s never known his parents, who would otherwise be his first example of love portrayed. But Kyungsoo only knows Chanyeol, his other brothers, his male classmates and his teachers, and he hasn’t been exposed to real life examples of a man in love with a woman. So Chanyeol fails to properly communicate himself to Kyungsoo, especially since he doesn’t fully understand love himself.
“I don’t really know why. Isn’t everything our teachers say supposed to be right?”
“Probably.” A pause. “But what if she’s wrong?”
“Are you trying to prove her wrong?” Chanyeol asks with a lopsided grin and a mischievous glint in his eyes, and Kyungsoo almost wonders if it’s a challenge, if it’s just another one of Chanyeol’s ploys. But Chanyeol comes off the thought sooner than Kyungsoo expects.
“I don’t think I’m special enough to be loved.”
“What do you consider special?” Kyungsoo asks again.
“Special? Hmm… when someone is special, they’re kept in a cozy, comfortable place in the heart, so they’re never forgotten. If someone is special, that person is someone you don’t want to give up.”
“You’re special to me, then,” says Kyungsoo, because Chanyeol does seem to fit that description. But Chanyeol respectfully disagrees, and Kyungsoo isn’t sure why Chanyeol’s insistence bothers him so.
part two
PG-13, Chanyeol x Kyungsoo, 8009 words
for aideshou challenge #5, prompts 1+2
Kyungsoo is seven years old when eight-year-old Chanyeol moves into his room.
“You’re Kyungsoo,” says Chanyeol, jabbing Kyungsoo in the forehead with one slender finger. He recites from memory, as if he’d been told something by one of the adults beforehand. Of course, Kyungsoo registers none of this, because he’s too focused on the fact that the new kid has poked him for seemingly no reason.
“Oww, wha-?”
“You have huge eyes,” continues Chanyeol, without missing a beat. “I bet you see everything.”
But Kyungsoo doesn’t see everything, because he’s too young to see what the world is hiding from him, because his curiosity extends only to that which is visibly in front of him. He doesn’t really understand why Chanyeol moves in with him, nor does he understand why he’s no longer sharing a room with Baekhyun, and it isn’t just because Chanyeol doesn’t spare Kyungsoo the opportunity to think. Kyungsoo barely even understands why he is there-what more for anyone else around him?
“Who are-?” begins Kyungsoo, but Chanyeol quickly finishes the inquiry for him.
“My name is Chanyeol! From now on, I’m sleeping here. So, which bed is mine?”
Kyungsoo only has to lift a finger and Chanyeol dives headfirst into the unmade bed.
“Are… are you my brother, too?” Kyungsoo asks quietly. Perhaps it’s because Chanyeol’s trying his hardest to recall the answer he’d been told to say, or perhaps it’s because Chanyeol’s too busy rolling on his mattress, but Chanyeol doesn’t respond immediately and Kyungsoo completely misses the delay.
“Yeah,” is what Chanyeol finally tells him. “I’m your brother, too. So please treat me kindly, okay?”
“I will!”
Kyungsoo’s enthusiasm is solely a consequence of his innocence. So Kyungsoo treats Chanyeol kindly, though naively and for all the wrong reasons.
Kyungsoo comes to understand that Chanyeol does a lot of things for seemingly no reason. The problem with Chanyeol is that he gets bored easily, so when class isn’t in session he either finds things to occupy himself with or forces the responsibility of entertaining him onto someone else.
Being Chanyeol’s roommate, Kyungsoo finds himself entertaining Chanyeol rather often. “Let’s go pick at some grass and sprinkle them in Joonmyun hyung’s hair,” Chanyeol would say, for instance, and regardless of what Kyungsoo was currently doing or of his personal feelings for the suggestion, Kyungsoo would drop everything just to humor Chanyeol.
Their relationship develops in this fashion, and even though Kyungsoo was meant to be the one to show Chanyeol around the school, ultimately it is Chanyeol who, on a whim, drags Kyungsoo everywhere.
Kyungsoo doesn’t think much of it, though. He sees Chanyeol as the new kid who needs friends, and despite Chanyeol’s mischievous streak Kyungsoo continues to stay by Chanyeol’s side, even though Chanyeol is a little more demanding than his other brothers.
Christmas comes around much sooner than Kyungsoo expects, because time flies quickly when he’s busy laughing alongside Chanyeol. (Kyungsoo remembers a time when he used to withhold his laughter whenever Chanyeol was around in an attempt to discourage Chanyeol’s mischief, but nowadays he doesn’t bother.)
Kyungsoo is used to getting gifts from the other boys, so he’s not particularly surprised when Chanyeol also gives him something, too. What catches Kyungsoo off guard, however, is the gift Chanyeol presents to him.
“Socks,” Chanyeol says nonchalantly, and he points to the holey ones on Kyungsoo’s feet. “You wear the same two pairs, and both have holes in them.”
Kyungsoo somehow doesn’t expect Chanyeol to notice small details like these, so instead of giving Chanyeol his thanks Kyungsoo comes off as a flustered and stuttering mess.
“It’s okay, I know. Socks, so unfathomable. I’ve left you dumbfounded.”
“Stop using words from our vocabulary tests,” Kyungsoo manages, but Chanyeol pays him no heed.
“Did you get me anything, then? Huh, huh, did you?” But Kyungsoo hasn’t, not yet, and this news disappoints Chanyeol. “What, no way! That’s a bummer. I was so looking forward to-”
“I will, tomorrow!”
“But Christmas is today, Kyungsoo. You’re late, and I won’t accept it!”
“I’ll give you, uh, my friendship!”
“I already have that!” Chanyeol cries indignantly. Kyungsoo, unfortunately, is out of excuses. “But, since you’re offering, how about you give me a tradition?”
“A… what?”
“A tradition!” Chanyeol exclaims, eyes lighting up at the thought. “Something we can do every Christmas, just the two of us. That’d be an awesome gift.”
But despite how awesome of a gift Chanyeol claims it would make, it takes nearly half an hour for the both of them to come up with a tradition they can actually maintain. The idea is Kyungsoo’s, somewhat: Each Christmas, starting from that day, the two would measure and mark their heights against the doorpost, so that each could compare heights with each other and track his height over the years to come.
“But everyone does that,” Chanyeol grumbles, dissatisfied. “We have to make it even more special.”
“How?”
“Hmm.” Chanyeol taps his chin in thought. “How about each year, instead of just notches or whatever, we draw different symbols to mark our height. I’ll draw yours, and you draw mine.”
“How does that-?” begins Kyungsoo, but as always he is cut off.
“Every year you have to come up with something that happened during that year to you, me, or both of us, something that made you happy. And then, you use the symbol I draw for you as a reminder! Doesn’t that sound fun?”
“I-”
“And then, after we measure our heights for the new year, we have to recite the meaning of all the other symbols! And if you forget one, you lose!”
“This sounds more like a New Year’s tradition,” Kyungsoo mumbles, though Chanyeol doesn’t hear him. Leave it to Chanyeol to twist his initial suggestion into something much greater. Kyungsoo does like the idea though, so it’s not long before a star and a tiny ‘친구’ are etched into the fine wood of the doorpost.
“Use symbols!” Chanyeol whines, and Kyungsoo responds by arguing Chanyeol never mentioned not using Hangul characters.
“Besides,” continues Kyungsoo, “I don’t know how else to describe you besides ‘Friend,’ so I didn’t know what to draw.”
“How about a blade of grass, for the time I sprinkled grass in Minseok hyung’s hair?”
“I thought that was Joonmyun hyung.”
Chanyeol merely shrugs.
“Anyway, what’s the star for?”
“In Jesus class,” begins Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo does a terrible job at hiding his amusement; “hey, don’t laugh, okay?! But the star represented his birth or something, right? So this star is like the birth of our friendship… it just made sense, you know?”
“Birth of our friendship,” Kyungsoo says quietly to himself. “Okay. I think I can remember that.”
Kyungsoo sees a psychiatrist, though Kyungsoo doesn’t call him that, nor does Kyungsoo know why he keeps making visits. For as long as he can remember, he’s visited Mr. Cho once every month, and while his visits are still mandatory, Kyungsoo has no complaints because he likes seeing the young man smile.
Their visits follow a structure, though Kyungsoo’s too young to notice. Kyungsoo does nearly all of the talking, and such is always the case, or at least after they’d overcome the initial visits. They talk about anything and everything, from all of Kyungsoo’s brothers (Minseok, Joonmyun, Jongdae, and Chanyeol) to his academic endeavors (Kyungsoo has recently picked up piano, for which he’s found a passion), and Kyungsoo barely ever notices when they run out of time.
“Save it for next time!” Mr. Cho would say cheerily, and that would mark the end of the visit.
But this time it’s different, and while Kyungsoo isn’t perceptive enough to notice a general backbone to their visits, he does notice when something disrupts the familiarity, namely:
“You seem happier these days,” Mr. Cho remarks as Kyungsoo gets up to leave, in lieu of his usual salutation. “Is it because of your new roommate?”
“N-No!” Kyungsoo stammers. But by his next visit his answer changes to an affirmative one, and somehow Chanyeol becomes the center of most of their future conversation.
Kyungsoo still remembers by the time the following Christmas comes around, and Chanyeol is overjoyed.
But it’s not fair, Kyungsoo thinks to himself, because Chanyeol’s grown several centimeters since last Christmas, whereas he’s only barely taller than the symbol Chanyeol had last drawn for him. It then occurs to Kyungsoo that eventually they’ll stop growing, because in science class they learned humans only grow so much before remaining at a certain height forever. What would they do, then? Would they draw on top of already existing symbols, perhaps literally replacing memories with more memories? Would they simply draw beside the other symbols? Or would the tradition stop altogether?
It’s a bridge Kyungsoo doesn’t cross, not at that age, and it isn’t just because Chanyeol doesn’t spare Kyungsoo the opportunity to think. In the past year, Chanyeol has become his closest brother, and Kyungsoo is wary of entertaining the idea of stopping something so special between them. So, he doesn’t.
“What’s the cross mean?” asks Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo revisits the memory of Chanyeol falling ill on Kyungsoo’s birthday. It’s a memory Kyungsoo can’t easily forget, because he did not expect to wake up on his birthday to find a feverish Chanyeol unable to leave his bed; the fever itself lasted several days, and by the time Chanyeol had recovered Kyungsoo caught the illness, so mentioning his birthday became the furthest thing from mind.
Many months later though, Kyungsoo supposes it’s worth mentioning, and to say Chanyeol agrees is an understatement.
“How could you not tell me something like your birthday?!” Chanyeol yells, clearly upset with this news. “Do you know how late I am? I bet by now it’s almost your next birthday!”
“My birthday’s in three weeks, I think,” says Kyungsoo, though it’s not as if he’s counting down the days.
“See, exactly! It’s unacceptable! And on top of the gift I got you for Christmas, I have to get you one for your last birthday and your next one!”
“You don’t have to,” mutters Kyungsoo in protest, several times in fact, but Chanyeol pays him no heed, nor does Kyungsoo expect him to.
“Next year, I’m drawing you a crown, so that I never forget your birthday again.”
“Bet you’ll forget,” Kyungsoo teases, and when Chanyeol puffs his cheeks and storms out of their room, Kyungsoo decides that he really does find Chanyeol’s annoyance rather adorable, even if Chanyeol is the older (and taller, Kyungsoo adds to himself bitterly) of the two.
Chanyeol does forget to use a crown for the following Christmas’s symbol, but he still gets Kyungsoo all the gifts he’s promised, and he doesn’t forget Kyungsoo’s birthday when it comes around eighteen days later. So, in Kyungsoo’s book, Chanyeol is forgiven, and all is well.
Sometimes Kyungsoo forgets that he’s younger than Chanyeol, not only because their teachers regard them as equals, but also because he’s usually the one chasing after Chanyeol. Chanyeol is playful and mischievous, though it isn’t to say Kyungsoo isn’t, and between them it is usually Chanyeol who lightens the mood; despite their height, Chanyeol’s demeanor tends to suggest that he is the younger of the two.
But Chanyeol is the older one, strictly speaking, and Kyungsoo is reminded of this every so often. Usually, it’s when Kyungsoo is suffering from stress for one reason or another, like perhaps because of an upcoming test or piano recital. Kyungsoo takes comfort in Chanyeol’s embrace, even though Chanyeol’s arms are lanky and somewhat wiry, and Chanyeol always manages to find the right words to put Kyungsoo’s insecurities and worries to rest.
Innocence is first compromised with the arrival of Oh Sehun.
Kyungsoo is ten years old when Sehun moves into Jongin’s room. He wants to greet and welcome the new kid, because he’s certain Sehun must be another one of his brothers, and he finds it strange that it’s Chanyeol, of all people, who is discouraging him from seeing Sehun.
“He’s not your brother,” Chanyeol mumbles uncharacteristically for the umpteenth time.
“You don’t know-” begins Kyungsoo, but yet again Chanyeol cuts him off.
“He’s not, Kyungsoo. He’s not even our age, just leave him alone.” So Kyungsoo does leave Sehun alone, though Kyungsoo doesn’t find it fair at all. After all, he humors Chanyeol’s whims-why is Chanyeol so opposed to him, the one time he wants to do something?
But as if fated to meet, Kyungsoo does eventually run into Sehun, and the two of them are alone. Chanyeol’s voice is in the back of his mind, though he pays it no heed, perhaps foolishly so.
“I am not your brother!” Sehun cries, though Kyungsoo’s attention is on the fist that connects with his shoulder. “Is this some kind of sick joke?”
Sehun doesn’t wait for an answer, nor does Kyungsoo give one in Sehun’s absence. Kyungsoo is left with the sting of being misunderstood. But Kyungsoo is still too young to see what the world is hiding him, and he doesn’t understand that he, not Sehun, is the one who is in the dark.
Kyungsoo feels guilty on two fronts: Kyungsoo has given the new boy a bad first impression, and he’s also gone against Chanyeol’s advice. So, that night, he apologizes to Chanyeol, and while he doesn’t explicitly mention the exact reason for which he’s apologizing, Chanyeol already knows it’s because of Sehun.
They sleep in the same bed that night, for the first but not last time, and as Chanyeol holds him tightly and urges Kyungsoo in hushed whispers to sleep and forget about what he’s done, Kyungsoo asks,
“Are you really my brother?”
The question is fragile, and it affirms Chanyeol’s assumptions regarding Kyungsoo’s apologies, but Chanyeol thinks Kyungsoo is still the more fragile of the two. Perhaps Chanyeol is still reciting from memory when he answers affirmatively. But truthfully, the “Yeah, I’m your brother too” is because Chanyeol already sees what Kyungsoo does not.
Chanyeol is a good five centimeters taller than Kyungsoo when his mischief finally sends the both of them to detention, and it completely bewilders Kyungsoo that, after having been by his side for nearly five years, this is actually the first time he’s being punished for his pranks.
They’re not supposed to talk to each other, but Chanyeol does it anyway.
“This will definitely be our memory for the year, okay?”
“Hey, do you think Minseok hyung ever got that mustard out of his shirt?”
“Do you still remember when you got on Sehun’s bad side? I heard he tried to pick a fight with Jongin the other day, did you hear about that?”
“Do you even remember when I first met you, Kyungsoo?”
“I just realized, I know nothing about you. I mean, before I met you.”
“I’m hungry.”
Chanyeol holds a conversation with himself for an entire hour, because the problem with Chanyeol is that he gets bored easily. But Kyungsoo listens, even if he chooses not to respond, though it’s only after they’re released from detention that Kyungsoo explains to Chanyeol that he remembers very little about his life before having met him.
“I don’t remember my parents’ faces anymore,” Kyungsoo says quietly, because the thought of not remembering his parents saddens him. “What were they like?”
“Huh?”
“Our parents,” repeats Kyungsoo. “You were with them before you started school here, right?”
“Uh… no. I wasn’t.” Technically, Chanyeol isn’t lying. But he doesn’t want to tell Kyungsoo the truth, not now, so he attempts to steer their conversation elsewhere. “Hey, so does this mean I’m your earliest memory?”
“I… yeah, I guess it does.”
“…sweet. Hey, let’s go find Jongin, maybe Sehun’s gotten to him already.” And before Kyungsoo can process Chanyeol’s words, Chanyeol abandons the lesson he’s learned from detention and runs off seeking more mischief. Kyungsoo gives chase, and his parents become the furthest thought from his mind.
“Treasure that which makes you happy,” says Mr. Cho during one particular visit, and in that moment Kyungsoo realizes just how much he likes having Chanyeol around.
What he does not realize, not in that moment, is how much he takes Chanyeol’s presence for granted.
Innocence is compromised again when thirteen-year-old Kyungsoo wakes up in the middle of the night to Chanyeol’s heavy breathing. Kyungsoo instinctively assumes Chanyeol’s picked up a fever, and Chanyeol does have a history of serious illnesses (namely, just one instance), so he thinks he’s doing the right thing when he climbs out of bed and presses the back of his hand against an unsuspecting Chanyeol’s neck to check his temperature.
Chanyeol is hot, but for all the wrong reasons, and the last thing Kyungsoo expects to see is Chanyeol’s hand down his pants. Kyungsoo doesn’t really understand what Chanyeol had been doing, even after Chanyeol hastily tries to explain himself the day after. It’s a point of no return, especially after Chanyeol catches Kyungsoo in the act of trying it out for himself several weeks later.
(Kyungsoo doesn’t appreciate the penis Chanyeol draws for him that year, so when Chanyeol isn’t looking he changes it to a rocket ship. Chanyeol loses the following year because he simply cannot remember for the life of him what a rocket ship could possibly symbolize, and though he is the first of them to lose with respect to their ongoing tradition, Kyungsoo receives no prize.)
They learn about love in Language Arts, and Kyungsoo is full of questions, because it’s supposedly not the same Love which they’d discussed in Religion (“Jesus Class,” as Kyungsoo puts it, if only to tease Chanyeol for the singular moment in which he’d used that term). Kyungsoo gets the concept of intangible nouns, which was their initial lesson for the day, but love poses a condition he can’t seem to grasp, so after class Chanyeol does his best to explain.
“Love’s for a special someone whom you want to spend all your life with.”
“Like you?” Kyungsoo asks, because he’s known Chanyeol for longer than he can remember now, and though he’s still young and naive Kyungsoo is sure he can’t imagine a life in which he does not see Chanyeol’s smile at least once daily.
Chanyeol flushes at his response, and the concept of ‘wanting to spend your life with someone’ goes completely unnoticed by Kyungsoo. “Nah, not me. I’m not that kind of special. Besides, I’m not a girl.”
“What do you consider special? And why would you have to be a girl?”
Chanyeol shrugs and addresses the latter question first. “That’s what our teacher said, right? ‘Love is something a boy feels for a very special girl’ I guess boys are meant to love girls.”
“But why?” asks Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol doesn’t respond immediately. It’s something Kyungsoo won’t easily understand, because he’s never known his parents, who would otherwise be his first example of love portrayed. But Kyungsoo only knows Chanyeol, his other brothers, his male classmates and his teachers, and he hasn’t been exposed to real life examples of a man in love with a woman. So Chanyeol fails to properly communicate himself to Kyungsoo, especially since he doesn’t fully understand love himself.
“I don’t really know why. Isn’t everything our teachers say supposed to be right?”
“Probably.” A pause. “But what if she’s wrong?”
“Are you trying to prove her wrong?” Chanyeol asks with a lopsided grin and a mischievous glint in his eyes, and Kyungsoo almost wonders if it’s a challenge, if it’s just another one of Chanyeol’s ploys. But Chanyeol comes off the thought sooner than Kyungsoo expects.
“I don’t think I’m special enough to be loved.”
“What do you consider special?” Kyungsoo asks again.
“Special? Hmm… when someone is special, they’re kept in a cozy, comfortable place in the heart, so they’re never forgotten. If someone is special, that person is someone you don’t want to give up.”
“You’re special to me, then,” says Kyungsoo, because Chanyeol does seem to fit that description. But Chanyeol respectfully disagrees, and Kyungsoo isn’t sure why Chanyeol’s insistence bothers him so.
part two