(Untitled)

[kainasilverbane]

Title:Shards
Author/Penname:Kainasilversbane
Rating: PG-13
Chapters: Chapter 10 (Continued WIP)
Pairings: Fujitaka/Kaho centered
Summary: Cross over the boundry from saftey, to insanity
Warning, Notes: Characters death *bawls*
Link to previous chapter: http://community.livejournal.com/ ( Read more... )

Comments

[sheila_chan]

Interesting chapter. Descriptions of Nakuru's death were very clear. It didn't give too much away - just the right amount. You characterize Kaho really well.
I love how she was recalling things, and how she was pained over it.
Fujitaka's line was ♥!

Cheers to you!

ps:
I only found one typo:
“I never said I was going to get there is(in) one jump,” Kaho smiled.
YAY!

[kainasilverbane]

You're kidding. One. Boo boo?

XD RECORD!!!!!!!!! *happy dance*

By the way, your icon make me COO!!!! *cooes* Kitty!!!!!

[claire_chan]

Eeee, I'm sooo on the edge of my seat for Chapter eleven. XD *hurries to post her corrections*

Fujitaka’s eyes fluttered open to the sunlight streaming in through the window, and was surprised to find himself not alone in his bed. This conjunction of sentences isn't quite right, I'd suggest changing that to two new sentences: "through the window. He was surprised to find.."

Tomoyo startled all of them as she rushed back into hers and Sakura’s room... I think it would be just her and Sakura's room. Or just reword it to like "the other room" or something.

“Guess we’re flying then,” Sakura said as she took a quick count, “Er…maybe not. Kero can only carry, at max, two adults, and I can only carry someone for a short distance, and no bigger than Tomoyo.” Wait, but there are two adults, Kaho and Fujitaka, and then Sakura could carry Tomoyo?? Maybe you could change it to say Kero probably couldn't carry two adults?

Unfortunately for Tomoyo, that meant she couldn’t see anything, and expressed her disapproval with a whine as she tried to