Comments | reviewers_inc: Bring forth the jury!

claire_chan in reviewers_inc

Bring forth the jury!

Aug 13, 2006 12:40

Title: The Hiiragizawa Threesome Handle the Holidays!
Author/Penname: Claire-chan
Rating: G
Chapters: Complete one shot
Summary: Remember the second Christmas episode? This is it and the time around it from Eriol-tachi's point of view.
Warning, Notes: It's Christmas in August, I know. XD Originally a tsukimineshrine prompt. The length was too ( Read more... )

stories by claire_chan, bring forth the jury!

Comments 10

dropsofviolet August 15 2006, 16:00:05 UTC

I would change the title. It doesn’t seem to do anything for the fic. I love Suppi’s characterization here in the beginning. That definitely seems like a book he would read and the tinsel thing made me laugh ( ... )

dropsofviolet August 15 2006, 16:00:29 UTC

“Composing himself to regain energy” feels awkward. He was just resting for a moment and those words are too much for the action ( ... )

dropsofviolet August 15 2006, 16:00:47 UTC

“Clearing these negative thoughts from his head, which were clouding his music…” This is a suggested correction. Otherwise you have two run-on clauses here. This paragraph about Eriol’s thoughts kinda feels preachy. Is this your view? It’s okay to include it in fic, but it doesn’t feel right here ( ... )

claire_chan August 15 2006, 19:31:49 UTC

Wow, you really went into depth, thank you so much ( ... )

Thread 8

sheila_chan August 20 2006, 05:51:38 UTC

rhap_chan got ahead of me with the typos.

So I'll just tell you the parts I ♥

- Eriol and Suppi's conversation about tolerating children with no future in the music industry.
-Nakuru's characterization at the beginning. (keeping Suppi warm, without showing anyone)
-Setting (or what I like to call 'envelope') when Eriol woke up. A kettle whisting, the sun rising, the traffic light turning red - the little details where enough to spark imagination on the reader's part.
-the lie about Chrismas trees, Eriol's apprehension when he thought Tomoyo noticed his note
-the piano lessons
-the concept of equality between suppi and nakuru
-the ending

I agree with rhap_chan, consider changing the title. Christmas at the Hiirigizawa's, for example. Try keeping it short.

ps: I laughed hard when I read Touya's present.

pps: reading this left a warm fuzzy feeling within me. I feel for Eriol.
post this again once you went over the run-on sentences.:)

claire_chan August 20 2006, 12:37:34 UTC

Thank you so much for your comments!!! ^_^

I'll probably repost it when it's actually.... a little closer to the holidays. XDD *doing a major rewrite with some of rhap-chan's suggestions*