Comments | reviewers_inc: Bring forth the angry mob...I mean jury! *cough*

kainasilverbane in reviewers_inc

Bring forth the angry mob...I mean jury! cough

Mar 24, 2007 08:58

Title:Shards
Author/Penname: Kainasilversbane (me!)
Rating: PG-13
Chapters: Chapter 17 (WIP)
Pairings: Fujitaka/Kaho centered
Summary: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
Warning, Notes: Teeny weeny bit of lime
Link to previous chapter: http://community.livejournal.com/reviewers_inc/21398.html

( Chapter 17 )

stories by kainasilverbane, bring forth the jury!

Comments 1

sheila_chan October 22 2007, 15:55:15 UTC

drugging affect(effect) of being in Fujitaka’s arms

let alone counter a life(colon)taking spell.

She rested one hand on his shoulder as a large boulder made Sakura have to fall sharply to the left to avoid it, then lost her grip on her friend, Call Sakura to you! She instructed him. That said, she leapt off the guardian and disappeared.
-consider rewriting this. Break it into shorter sentences to avoid confusion:)

Her jaw dropped (comma) and she grabbed for a pillow to smack him with.

then leaned down and rested her forehead against his shoulder, trying (to) keep control over herself.

This is quite a sweet chapter. I must say though how surprised I am at the sudden shift in mood, and how Kaho recuperated rather quickly. I was expecting her to be too wounded; and even with Sakura's help, she's bound to be too tired or knockout for days at least (the same goes with everyone else). Also, I would have preferred if you held back with Sakura's revelation of the card, to drag our curiosity and suspense, to keep us hanging, to drive us ( ... )