Jury Duty...AGAIN! XD
Title: Shards
Author/Penname:KainaSilversbane
Rating:PG-13
Chapters: Chapter 8 (WIP) REVISED!
Pairings: FujitakaxKaho
Summary: England is wet, cold, and sleepless! Kaho needs some serious sleep, as do the rest, but how do you get people to sleep when they have actually, just woken up?
Warning, Notes: There's a bad sex joke in there somewhere...
( Read more... )
Author/Penname:KainaSilversbane
Rating:PG-13
Chapters: Chapter 8 (WIP) REVISED!
Pairings: FujitakaxKaho
Summary: England is wet, cold, and sleepless! Kaho needs some serious sleep, as do the rest, but how do you get people to sleep when they have actually, just woken up?
Warning, Notes: There's a bad sex joke in there somewhere...
( Read more... )
Comments 7
-Kaho finally began to feel the cold rain soaking her clothes and the bitter wind that accompanied it,(colon instead of comma) “Oh great…it’s one of those days…” (I suggest separating the sentence '
-“Can you not feel cold or something?”
How about, "Aren't you cold?"
-(All- optional^^)In all(comma) it took a frigid fifteen minutes to get there, and once inside they were grateful of the extra heaters near the door.
-“Very funny (comma) Sakura.”
-...she landed with a none(not^^) too graceful...
I'm sorry it took me ages to go over your previous chapters and this chapter.
Even though I no longer have too much school work to do, it's hard sharing the computer with my two siblings^_^.
I'm really glad to know that you're fond of the community.
Even with our current number of members, not all post often. You are one of the few people who keeps this community up and running. Thank you:)
I enjoy reading your story and I'm always looking forward to your future posts:)
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For "Very funny Sakura", I actually took a real life approach. Seriously, if you were (if you have a sibling) to knock on your sibs door and say the same thing (though using their name of course ^_^) Would you pause in between their name and whatever you're saying?
I'm not saying your correction in wrong ^_^ It can be written that way, but I like taking more real life approaches when it comes to character dialogue.
And secondly, ...she landed none too graceful...
That's actually a phrase that works. I'm not sure how much it's used in other countries, and even in vocal speech it isn't used very often, but the phrase is valid. I've read it several times in other books, and my parents use as, as do I. ^_~ If you read it outloud, it actually makes sense, while "...she landed not too graceful..." sounds a little choppy. Not saying it's wrong, but it the flow sounds odd.
Or it could just be me!!! XD
Thank you for the corrections Sheila!! *glomp*
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Kampaii, kaina-san!
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Overall, I thought the part when Kaho could read everyone's thoughts was quite neat. ^_^ It's good to keep the chapters a little shorter like this so (a) it doesn't take me forever and a half to critique them and (b) it'll keep the reader's attention a bit more.
Sakura’s thoughts were laced with a giggle. I love the mental image I get from that and I don't know why. XD
“Ho-e, that was fast,” Sakura said as she looked around as she pulled up her hood against the rain. “It’s cold!” What, the whether service couldn't predict that? XDD hehehe
“We’d best move quickly, the rain and wind isn’t going to make this walk any easier.” The rain and wind aren't. Overall though I'm not seeing that many places where I need to complain.
Though still damp, they walked up to the check in desk, Fujitaka speaking up... This is a little awkward to me, maybe you could split it into two sentences.
The desk clerk typed at his computer without looking at anything, then glanced at the screen before picking up two room key cards, encoding them ( ... )
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I think I'll try and wedge this explanation in somewhere so future readers will be able to understand
The people who hear it is dependent on how specific the spell is. If there was a need to put a large area of people alseep (say, a few housing blocks) then the spell would be spoken in such a way that it would reach that far.
To only effect certain people, specific names will be used instead of an amount or distance. In this case, Fujitaka would have spoken his own name, Sakura's, Kero's, and Tomoyo's, so they'd all be effected by the spell. Were you to get REALLY specific, but don't know a person's name, you'd use an item they owned, or a piece of hair or clothing they'd worn.
But that's getting into specfics that don't need to be covered, maybe I'll go over it later if people are psycho curious XD
Thank you for the corrections! *hoards them*
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I'm avoiding someone online right now so I won't be on for a bit.
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You have Yahoo don't you? You can appear invisible on there if you wanna hop on ^_~. I believe my name is in my userinfo ^_^
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