bring forth the jury~!

[dropsofviolet]

Well, not much going on in the comm right now, so I've got something for you guys to tear apart criticize. I would also like to take this opportunity to invite you over to

Comments

[sheila_chan]

I'm sorry if it took ages before anyone reviewed. Most have been busy, I'm afraid

Sorry for a late review, I was in Maine!

[claire_chan]

Wow, considering I'm mostly an Eriol/Syaoran shipper (the other E/S, haha), I really enjoyed reading this fic. Now I think Eriol/Sakura is another ship for me too XD *goes to watch the hand-kissy episode*

I also don't think the breakups were vague, you can piece together from context clues that Syaoran went back to Hong Kong permanently and that Kaho died, right?

Hiiragizawa Eriol, half-reincarnation of the most powerful magician in the worldetc etc...was sick. This seems like a rather abrupt opening to me. The Writer's Digest at least recommends "show, not tell" because it breeds a little more interest in the reader. Perhaps you could open with something more like Eriol coughed and hacked, his body wracked from the effort of clearing his lungs. It was clear Hiiragizawa Eriol, the (so on and so forth) was sick. And so, of course... or something. It leads into the fanfic a little bit more.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Eriol-sama sick. It's a nice touch to show Suppi's servilitude to Eriol by putting in a -sama, but

[dropsofviolet]

Thanks for your help, guys! I'm going to look over things again carefully and maybe then post a link to the revised version. ^_^

[claire_chan]

No problem, I can't wait to see that if you do. ^_^