Losing my religion - Part 1.3/3
11
The realization that he would do anything to see Kris happy hits him like a ton of bricks. He’s having lunch with Brad, and they’re both laughing hysterically at someone’s outfit, when Brad asks him about Kris’ fashion sense.
Adam laughs. He’s surprised Brad hasn’t asked about it earlier. “I don’t think I care about the way he dresses.” He says truthfully. He doesn’t consider himself a shallow person, but he knows he sometimes puts way too much store by appearances. He’s always been like this, even when he was a fat kid with skin problems. It’s just that he finds it much easier to judge people according to the way they dress.
“Oh my god!” Brad looks so happy as he hears Adam say those words. “I can’t believe it. You’re saying that you actually don’t care about the way he looks?”
He rolls his eyes in response and huffs dramatically. “Of course I do, but in case you haven’t noticed, my boyfriend is pretty gorgeous. So what if his clothes are about ten sizes too large. This way people will not get to ogle his ass.”
“You’re falling for him.” Brad says with a soft smile. Adam doesn’t know what to make of this statement. Sometimes he thinks he is indeed falling for Kris. It’s impossible not to when they’re spending so much time together, when they are so perfect for each other. And still, Kris is not Brad, and consequently Kris is not enough.
“I’m not. I really care about him, but it’s not love.” He would like to say a lot more than this, but what point would it make. It’s not like he and Brad will ever work.
“Oh, Adam.” Brad takes his hand into his and strokes it soothingly. “Don’t do this to yourself. You have the chance to be happy. Don’t throw it away. What was between us is in the past. We could have never worked out.”
Adam sighs. It’s hard to hear those words. He’s very aware of the fact that he and Brad will never be together, but his heart has always been a vicious thing. It can’t accept the bear truth and it can’t let Adam be happy.
“I know.” He looks down resigned. Maybe Kris is really the right person for him. Why would he need earth-shattering love when he has security?
“Look, I know I’ve told you this a billion times before, and I’m going to say it again. I really think that Kris is the right man for you. He loves you and I’m sure that deep down you love him, too.”
“It’s not that I don’t love him, Brad, because I really do, but I don’t love him the way that I loved you. It’s not that self-consuming kind of love. It’s more like the bond between two brothers, you know? We share so many things together. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel secure, but it just doesn’t feel like how I’ve always imagined love would feel. Look, I will not deny that he’s an amazing guy, and it feels so right to be with him, but I don’t know-”
“But that’s good, sweetie.” Brad says, sounding almost patronizing. “Your relationship with Kris doesn’t have to be like our relationship. We’re different. We like different things, we have different experiences. Kris is a whole different person. You need to stop clutching at the past, and focus more on the present and on the fact that you have someone amazing who worships the ground you walk on. Don’t take Kris’ love for granted.”
Adam buries his head in his palms. It’s hard. He will not deny it. When he and Kris first got together, he thought their relationship was going to be easy. He never planned for the guilt he felt whenever he saw the hurt in Kris’ eyes.
“Maybe it would be better to just break up with him. I can’t give him what he wants.”
“Is this what you really want?”
“No,” He replies, fear settling in. He tries to imagine his life without Kris. Oddly enough, he can’t. “I want him in my life. I just don’t want him to suffer. I know he cares about me, but I don’t think it’s fair to him.”
“Maybe it’s not. I can’t tell you if your relationship is good or bad. It’s not my place and obviously I’m no expert in relationships. But, Adam, I’ve never seen you happier. There must be something right between you two.”
Adam looks up from his coffee. He knows that in a way Brad is right, but at the same time, there’s a big part of him that still thinks about the moments he spent with Brad or about what it could have been between them.
“I guess you’re right. It’s just-I really can’t understand myself sometimes. Why can’t I be happy with what I have?”
“I don’t know. You should think really well about what you want from your life. I know it’s scary, because you’ve been heartbroken, but it’s really not that bad giving in to your feelings. And Kris, he really seems to be worth it.”
Adam smiles bitterly. “He really is worth it. It’s just that I’m so afraid.”
12
Kris stares at Adam and his heart breaks a little more as he notices the way his boyfriend is staring at Brad. Sometimes he wonders if Adam will ever look at him like that, like he’s the only person on Earth, like he’s the only one that matters. He bites his lip, trying to ignore the burning jealousy and the sadness that washes over him.
Without even knowing, his hand searches for Adam’s and grasps it. It’s unsettling to realize that Adam doesn’t even notice it, that he doesn’t even look, for a second at least, in Kris’ direction.
“Shut up, bitch.” He hears Adam say and he wonders what he and Brad are talking about. When these two are together it feels like they are the only ones in the universe. No one exists but them and nothing is more important than them. And each time, Kris feels like the third wheel. It feels like they’re tolerating his presence if not ignoring him.
“You always look gorgeous.” Adam says as he gazes at Brad with dreamy eyes. Kris wishes Adam would look at him like this, if only for a few seconds. He wants to know how it feels to be loved by Adam, and not be just the second best that he is.
Adam never calls Kris gorgeous, never even tells him he is beautiful but maybe there’s a good reason for that. Maybe Kris is not beautiful. He’s just a simple guy who wears too much plaid, who’s likeable, but forgettable.
“Listen, Adam…” He trails and squeezes his boyfriend’s hand, hoping to get his attention. “I don’t feel good and I’m really tired. I should go.”
“What’s wrong?” He asks, a frown creasing his forehead. Adam looks like he has forgotten all about Brad’s existence and that his focus is on him. Kris knows it’s a lie, because Brad is always the main focus in Adam’s existence, that he would leave Kris in a heartbeat, if Brad wanted him back, but just for this once he allows himself to dream that he matters to Adam.
“It’s just a headache.” He says and tries to fake a smile, but he’s almost sure it comes off as a grimace.
Adam looks at Brad for a little moment, giving him an apologetic smile and then he looks back at Kris. “Let me get my coat.”
“No, you stay. I’ll get a taxi or something.” It’s odd that he says those words, because he wants to keep Adam as far away from Brad as possible, but he has never been a selfish person and he knows that Adam would rather stay with Brad than go home with him.
“You sure?”
No. You’re leaving on tour tomorrow and I’m not going to see you for six months. Come home with me. Make love to me and let me make you forget about him. “Yes,” He says instead, his other hand clutching the tablecloth. “You stay with Brad.”
Adam nods as Kris rises from the table.
Kris smiles bitterly at the two men. They look good together, and they seem so right for each other. Kris can’t help but dread the day when Adam will leave him. He’s sure this day will come soon, very soon; and when it will come he will not be there, he’ll not even try to fight. He’s too tired of fighting.
He looks down as he leaves the small restaurant. He can feel the strangers’ looks on him, their pity, but he doesn’t dare to look up and see if it’s true or not. He doesn’t want to see Adam staring at Brad as if he’s the only one that matters.
13
He opens the door to the apartment he’s sharing with Kris and smiles as he realizes that his boyfriend has left the light on in the living room. He always does that when Adam is out partying or doing some late night interview. It makes everything so real and beautiful and for a short moment he allows himself to forget that he is in love with another man, that what he and Kris have is nothing more but another stage in his life.
He crosses the small corridor and pauses for a couple of moments in front of the bedroom door before opening it. It’s dark, but he can still make out Kris’ figure in the bed, his small form curled into a tight ball. He looks tiny in this position and almost ridiculous, yet, for some unknown reason, Adam feels a wave of affection rush through him.
He kicks off his boots and walks to the bed, trying to make as little noise as possible. The mattress dips a little as Adam sits on it, but Kris is a heavy sleeper and it would take a lot more to wake him.
His breath catches a little as he stares at Kris. He looks disturbingly beautiful. As a matter of fact, Adam thinks he has never seen anything more beautiful than this man. He isn't anything like Brad and he’s so far from what he considers perfect, yet Adam realizes with awe that Kris is perfect in his own right. With all his imperfections, his bad hair and his stupid habits.
He studies the curve of his lips for a moment, and feels the strange urge to trace them with his tongue, to memorize their taste. He raises his hand to Kris’ cheek and strokes it gently, as if he’s afraid of breaking him.
Kris stirs under his touch which makes Adam wonder if he was really sleeping, because it takes a lot more than a touch to wake him. “You’re home.” And there’s a relief in Kris’ voice that makes Adam’s heart burst. Has Kris thought that Adam would spend the night with Brad?
“Yeah,” Adam says stupidly. He knows it’s all kinds of wrong and inappropriate, that Kris deserves more than this simple reply, but he just doesn’t know what he should say. Instead, he bents down and kisses Kris’ lips and sighs at how right and familiar it is.
Kris’ response to the kiss is pliant and desperate. It’s almost like he’s trying to commit this moment into memory, to make it last forever. He wraps his arms around Adam’s neck and pulls him on the bed, then moans as Adam touches him through his boxers.
“I love you so much.” Kris says between kisses, clutching at Adam’s shirt as if trying to pull him nearer. Adam stops for a minute to take in the image in front of him. Kris’ face is full of love and adoration and then it dawns on him that this is the first time Kris has told him he loved him in a very long time. Up until this moment, he never thought about how much he needed to hear those words, but he realizes that he wants to hear them again. “You have no idea how much.” Kris continues and as Adam starts kissing his neck, Kris’ coherency is gone and he starts babbling words that don’t make any sense. His nails dig into Adam’s skin, but it doesn’t hurt enough to make Adam feel less guilty.
“Make love to me tonight.” Adam blurts out. It’s startling that he says those words because he doesn’t normally like to bottom. He loves being in control and having his partner begging under him, so this sudden crave to have Kris inside of him doesn’t make sense to him at all.
“You sure?”
“Yes,” He replies softly. He’s not sure why he feels like crying.
14
Adam’s arm is wrapped tightly around his waist, his breathing is warm against Kris’ neck. He rises to his elbows to look at the clock and sighs as he realizes that in two minutes the alarm will go off. He wishes so badly he had some kind of magical power to stop the time and stay forever in Adam’s arms. His first thought is to deactivate the alarm and go back to sleep, but it’s selfish and he’s not that person.
He closes his eyes and sighs when Adam murmurs something intelligible in his ear. He does that sometimes, especially when he's tired or bothered by something, but Kris knows better than to think about what Adam thinks when he’s sleeping. It’s already enough that he knows what’s in his heart anyway.
The alarm goes off soon and Adam moans in protest. “Turn it off.” He mumbles and buries his head in Kris' neck.
“You should get up. You’re going to miss your plane.” He says without turning to face Adam. He can’t do that right now. It just became so hard recently. He’s tired of lying to himself, of being delusional and hoping that something would change in Adam’s thinking. And the worst thing about this whole situation is that he is the only one to blame. He knew straight from the beginning what he was getting into, and still he kept on fooling himself, searching for the kind of love he shouldn’t have searched.
“No, I won’t!” Adam says solemnly and pulls Kris closer. “You’re warm and you smell nice. I don’t want to get up.”
“That’s absolutely fine by me, but I don’t think your management is going to be so happy about it.”
“Spoilsport!”
He smiles and bitterness settles in the pit of his stomach. He wishes they could find a way to return to the friendship they had before. He misses the easy smiles, the carefree hugs or the jokes that no one other than them understood. That was beautiful and true. This, however, is a lie.
“Lazy ass.” He states plainly then unwraps himself from Adam’s arms and rises from the bed. The sight he is met with when he sees Adam sprawled on the bed, eyes staring at him as if he's something more than he is, makes him want to scream out loud and ask Adam what the hell they are doing with their lives and their relationship. “Come on, get up!”
Adam groans, but rises from the bed. “You’re evil.”
“I’ll make you breakfast to make up for it.” He replies and tries to fake a smile. “Do you need me to drive you to the airport?”
“No, it’s all right. Brad said he’ll pick me up.”
“Oh,” He hopes his disappointment is not written all over his face, but he’s always been bad at hiding his emotions. “Alright then.”
He looks around for his clothes and dresses as fast as he can without daring to look at Adam. “Oh, uh.” He starts, his heart hammering in his chest. “I just remembered. I have a photo shoot scheduled at 8.” He lies. “I should go if I don’t want to be late.”
Adam’s face falls. “Wh - what? Today?”
“Well, yeah?”
“And when were you planning to tell me?” He sounds angry and disappointed, but Kris knows better. Adam doesn’t care about him. He only cares about Brad.
“I’m sorry. I had so many things on my mind that I just forgot.”
Adam sighs defeated. “You’re a really bad boyfriend.”
Kris would like to protest, because he’s really not that bad. He only wants to protect his heart and he doesn’t know if it can stand watching Adam and Brad together.
“Kiss me goodbye at least.”
Kris bites his upper lip and stares at Adam for a moment. He doesn’t want this to be the end, but he knows there’s no other way. It’s high time that he gave up on this sham of a relationship and start thinking about himself.
And still, it feels so natural and right when Adam kisses him goodbye that it almost makes him cry.
“I love you.” He whispers softly and his lips curve into a bitter smile. However, he can’t help thinking that his words fall on deaf ears. Adam doesn’t care about his love. He never will.
Adam’s face lights up as he hears Kris. “I’ll miss you so much.” He says, oblivious to the turmoil inside Kris' heart.
15
“Don’t forget to call, bitch.” Brad says as he hugs Adam for the last time. He looks so pretty today. He’s all glammed up, his makeup is done to perfection and his clothes complement his figure perfectly. He looks like he always has looked: impeccable, fierce and almost unreachable, but for the first time he doesn’t take Adam’s breath away.
It still feels familiar and nice to be with Brad, yet he craves for something more. He wants to hold Kris in his arms, to smell his perfume and crack yet another joke about Kris’ fashion sense.
“I won’t. “ He replies simply, the sadness still present in his heart. He knows he should feel happy because this is his first tour and it’s all he’s ever dreamed of, but something feels so wrong. Kris should be here with him. He should kiss Adam goodbye. He should be the one to tell Adam that he would miss him. “Keep an eye on Kris while I’m away, okay?”
Brad smiles at him sweetly. “You know I will. But try not to do anything stupid while you’re away from him. You’re my friend and I love you, but I hate cheaters.”
“I would never do that to him.” He says, but he wonders whether this is completely true. Yes, he hasn’t slept with anyone since Kris and he got together, but in his heart he hasn’t been faithful to him. He would have probably left Kris a long time ago if Brad wanted him back.
“I’m just saying. Don’t worry about him. He’s a big boy. He can take good care of himself. Someone should teach him that plaid and baggy jeans is not acceptable gay attire, but apart from it, I think he’ll be okay.” He bites his lip, then his face lights up the way it always does when he has an idea. “Actually, scratch that. Let him wear his baggy jeans and the horrifying plaid. This way, no one will ever be able to see what’s underneath the clothes and his virtue will be safe.”
Adam laughs warmly. He knows Kris is not the most stylish man out there, but Kris is always himself. He has a way of making everyone adore him. Adam can’t tell for sure what it is about Kris that makes everyone feel so drawn to him. It might be his personality, his kindness or the fact that he is one of the most passionate people he knows.
“Watch it, bitch. You may be sparkly and shit, but no one messes with my Kris.”
“Aww,” Brad coos, making faces at him. “Defending your boy, aren’t you?”
He’d like to laugh, or make some witty remark. Surprisingly enough, he only manages to smile stupidly at the term used for Kris. His boy. That’s what Kris is to him. Maybe he’ll tell Kris this the next time they talk. Just to stake his claim.
He pulls his phone out of his pocket and types a message: ‘Hey, hot stuff. So apparently you’re my boy. Miss you already.’ He hits send and waits for Kris to reply.
16
He looks around him, trying to make sure that he has packed everything, that he hasn’t left anything behind that would remind Adam of him.
It almost comes as a surprise how much better Adam’s place looks without Kris’ things in it. It’s classier and more Adam.
He suddenly feels like crying and it strikes him that for the first time since he and Adam got together, he can do it. He can allow himself to really feel without thinking about the consequences, or about the fact that his actions may hurt Adam. It occurs to him that he should feel bad for wasting almost a year of his life chasing a dream and trying to make the one he loves love him back. And yet, strangely enough, it doesn’t feel bad at all. It feels wonderful to have been able to be part of Adams life. No matter how much it hurt to be in this relationship, he also remembers the good things, the little things that made him so happy.
He walks to the small vanity table to take his watch and he catches a glimpse of a picture of him and Adam. The carefree faces staring up at him make him feel sad. This is how their relationship should have been. He’s way out of Adam’s league so maybe they should have never been together. Maybe he should have accepted his status of friend and not aim for the impossible.
He takes the picture in his hands and after staring at it for a short moment, he stuffs it in his pocket. One day he will find the strength to throw it away and start all over again. He hopes that somewhere in the far future he and Adam will find a way to be friends again, but right now he just needs time and space to forget.
His phone buzzes in his pocket. He pulls it out and sees Adam’s message. He smiles bitterly for a moment, before deleting it.
He looks once more around him to make sure that he hasn’t forgotten anything, then takes his bags and leaves.