Losing my religion - Part 3/3
20
He unlocks the door to his apartment and smiles as he inhales the stale air. It’s dark and cold inside, but it’s home, and he’s dreamed of home for months. He tries not to think too much of the deafening silence or the fact that Kris’ keys are not on the hallway table where they always have been. He’s too afraid to dwell on this, so he clings to the illusion that everything is alright between them, that they still have a chance at happiness.
As he enters their bedroom, he can’t help but notice how different it looks. Even if everything seems in its place, there’s something not quite right. Maybe this is how he should feel after being away from home for so long. He puts his suitcases in a corner, then crashes on the bed, too tired to even take a shower.
As he closes his eyes, thoughts start flooding his mind. He will not deny that he’s a little disappointed that Kris is not home tonight. If there was anything he looked forward to, it was spending more time with his boyfriend. He knows that they still need to talk about their relationship, to see where they stand, but tonight he would have loved to just hold Kris in his arms. Nothing more than that.
The sudden need to hear Kris’ voice almost comes as a surprise. It suddenly dawns on him that he never wanted anyone more than he wants Kris. For some reason this realization fills his heart with joy and fear all at once.
He pulls his phone from his pocket, then scrolls through his contacts until he finds the number he is looking for. He smiles giddily as he presses call. He’ll be damned if Kris will ignore him tonight, too. They have to talk, and Adam will keep trying, until Kris will have no other option but to answer.
However, the voice telling him that the number is not allocated hits him like a ton of bricks. For a small moment he forgets how to breathe, the walls seem to be closing in, and he’s starting to feel claustrophobic. He runs to the window, and opens it, craving for the cool air of the night. Once he manages to calm down a little, he starts looking around, and it all starts to fit into place.
Kris and all his belongings are gone. His bedroom, that once upon a time looked perfect without Kris, looks empty and impersonal now. It’s almost like it isn’t his house. There aren’t any half empty glasses on the bedside table, no Beatles’ records on the shelves, no paper sheets scattered on every available surface.
It all feels so surreal, so strangely twisted, that he suddenly becomes frustrated and angry at himself for being too afraid to accept how he felt, at Kris for leaving without so much of a word, at Brad for breaking his heart years ago.
He starts laughing manically, understanding everything now; how simple and beautiful his life would have been if he hadn’t been such a coward. He understands all the stupid and clichéd songs about love or the happily ever afters portrayed in each and every Hollywood movie. He could have had all those things.
21
He never quite thought it would be this hard. Some time ago, he was afraid of being in love, of giving his heart to someone, now he would give anything to have the chance to tell Kris how he feels. It’s not that he deserves a second chance. He really doesn’t and experience has taught him that second chances are rare and most of the times, they come with a price.
Even though he knows he shouldn’t, he can’t help hoping against hope that Kris will come back to him. He wants this more than he’s ever wanted anything. More than being a successful and appreciated musician, more than he’s ever wanted Brad.
He finds Kris’ shirt a couple of days after returning home and even though he’s always hated it, now he finds it endearing. He brings it to his nose and inhales its stale scent. He smiles bitterly as he remembers the day when he tore the shirt off of Kris and made love to him on the rug next to the bed. That day seems so far away, almost like it only happened in his mind, yet at the same time, it’s all still so vivid. He can almost hear Kris’ moans, feel the print of his fingers on his skin.
He only realizes he’s crying when sees tears staining the red and blue material. He puts the shirt on the bed carefully, almost reverently, then heads to the bathroom to blow his nose. He needs to talk to Kris.
22
He feels Allison’s fingers dig into his arm. Although it hurts a little bit, it’s still not enough to tear his attention away from the two men on the other side of the room. He just stares, taking in every little detail; their smiles, the proximity between them, the fact that the man’s hand looks so unnatural around Kris’ waist.
And all the time there’s a malicious voice inside his skull telling him that the man next to Kris should have been him. If only he hadn’t been such a coward, if only he hadn’t taken Kris for granted, if only he had realized what he had at the right time. He dimly remembers how he always used to tell Kris that he wanted him to be happy and that he could leave if he wanted to. He now understands how empty his words had been. He’d never wanted Kris to be happy with someone else.
“Come on,” Allison says, taking him by the hand, practically dragging to where Kris is. Maybe it’s the alcohol in his blood, but he feels like he has lost control of his legs. They seem to have turned to jelly and the only thing that keeps him from falling is Allison’s grip.
“Maybe we shouldn’t.” He says weakly and the only response he gets from Allison is an eye roll. He should be excited about seeing Kris again, yet he’s scared out of his mind. He can almost hear the cadence of his heartbeats, constant, too loud and strangely disconcerting. What should he tell Kris now when all has been said and done? Playing the victim and asking Kris why he left without so much as a word is not a solution, not when Adam, too, is guilty for the failure of their relationship.
He hears Allison squeak as she throws herself in Kris’ arms. “Hey, buddy,” She says with a big smile upon her face.
“Allison,” He says awkwardly, glancing at Adam. The way Kris looks at him, nervously, with a hint of the love he used to feel for him, makes Adam think that maybe, just maybe, there’s still hope for them. “Hey.”
“Just so you know, I’m very mad at you and I expect lots of begging to make me forgive you.” She puts her hands on her hips and looks at Kris expectedly.
“It would help if you told me what I have done to upset you so badly.”
“You know what you did. You promised you would call and text me regularly, but you never did. You’re a bad, bad friend.”
Kris laughs, and it sounds too loud, too strained and too fake. “I’m sorry. I was busy with recording.”
“Well, you’d better make it up to me. Me and Adam missed you.”
He turns to look at Adam, their eyes locking for a couple of moments. It only lasts just mere seconds, yet it feels more real than everything he has experienced during the last couple of months. For the first time in so long, he feels his heart burst with something so familiar and at the same time, so foreign.
“Hey,” He says with a small smile.
“Hey,” Kris replies biting his lip. “How have you been?”
“Good,” He cringes a little at the lie. He’s been far from good. “I got back from tour a couple of weeks ago and I’m so happy to just be able to sit around and do nothing. Can you believe that I finally have time to get bored? That’s like the most amazing thing ever.” He knows he sounds too excited, but he’s already had two glasses of whiskey, and he’s weird when he’s drinking. Not that he can’t handle drinking, because by definition an LA boy needs to know how to handle his drink. He just didn’t have enough sleep last night, nor the last before. His mind supplies that he hasn’t gotten too much sleep since he got back from tour, but that’s a whole different matter, and he can’t tell Kris that because this would trigger a chain reaction that neither of them is ready to handle right now.
His stupid answer, however, draws a soft laugh from Kris. It seems real. There are little crinkles in the corners of his eyes and his head is blissfully thrown back, exposing the graceful line of his neck. Adam tries to convince himself that this sight alone shouldn’t make him want Kris even more than before. He fails miserably.
“I’m really happy for you. You deserve to have a little break after being on tour for so long.”They stare at each other for a couple of short moments, before the man Kris is with clears his voice. Adam makes a mental note to drown the man and erase him off the face of the earth for his stupid fashion sense. “This is my boyfriend, Rob. Rob, this is Adam.”
All of the sudden he feels his entire world crushing. Until this moment he didn’t quite want to accept the possibility that Kris may have found someone else. Hearing those words from Kris’ mouth makes everything so surreal, almost like it’s not happening to him. It all seems like a stupid and twisted game.
“It’s nice meeting you.” He says, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. He looks at the man for a couple of moments, trying to understand what Kris likes about him. This wannabe California blondie is not good enough for Kris. He’s very much aware of the fact that to his mind no one will ever be good enough for Kris, but that’s a whole different matter. This man doesn’t deserve Kris. Period.
He turns to Kris, making a point of ignoring the man Kris is with. “How’s recording going?”
“It’s going well, actually. We’re thinking of releasing the album in spring next year. I don’t know for sure since we haven’t even decided on the name or the theme of the album, but hey, a guy can hope, right?”
“You can pull it off. And I’m sure that when you release it, it’s going be mind-blowing.” He says truthfully. He has heard so many people say that Kris was not good enough to deserve the American Idol title, that he’s forgettable or not talented enough, but Adam knows better than anyone that all these things are not true. Kris may be unassuming and his modesty may be bordering on ridiculous at times, but that doesn’t diminish his talent in any way.
Kris looks down blushing. “Thanks. Looking forward to hearing your new stuff, too.” Kris gazes at him and for a few seconds Adam thinks that the old Kris is back, that the feelings are still there and he starts hoping against hope again. However, all too soon, Kris’s mask slips on again, and the moment is over.
“I, uh-” He starts, not quite wanting to say goodbye. “I found your shirt.”
“What?”
“You know that horrifying red and blue plaid shirt you thought you lost. It was under the bed. The buttons are missing, but I could ask the housekeeper to sew them back. I’m sure she won’t mind.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I think I accidentally threw it under the bed when we-” he stops mid-sentence, not because he gives a damn about the guy Kris is with, but because he doesn’t want to cause Kris any troubles.
“I’ll drop by one of these days to take it. Man, I missed that shirt.”
“Could you give me a call before you come so I’ll be there?”
“I think I lost your number.”
He knows this is a complete and utter lie, but he doesn’t really care. He wants Kris back and he’ll be damned if he’ll let this stranger Kris is with win.
“Give me your phone. I’ll add me to your contacts.”
23
He loves it when it rains. That’s not that much of an odd thing since most people love rain, and he’s always been quite an ordinary and uncomplicated person. But that’s probably the biggest problem; that he’s just another face in the crowd, a cute guy with a nice voice and a laidback personality. Maybe this is why Adam never really loved him. Not like Kris would have wanted to.
There are days when he somehow manages to convince himself that he’s over Adam, that he can finally move on with his life and find someone who would love him for who he is, not for who he’s trying to be, not because he looks like someone else.
And yet everything is just an illusion, of which he’s very much aware. Somehow, Adam wormed his way through his life and no matter how much he tries, Kris can’t seem to just remove him completely. It’s like gangrene, only worse, because Kris doesn’t really know how to get rid of the dull ache he feels each time he so much as hears something about Adam. One thing is for sure, though; if he could amputate Adam from his life, he would do it in a heartbeat.
It’s not that he hates Adam or anything; far from it. And that’s another of his problems. Sometimes he wonders whether hate would have been the easier why out. Love, it seems, isn’t made for him. And if he hears another of his friends saying that he hasn’t met the right person, he swears to god that he’ll smack them in the head or shoot them with his father’s gun. He might go to jail for this, but he thinks any judge would compassionate with his situation. Hopefully.
The strangest thing, however, is that he somehow finds himself at Adam’s door step and it’s raining in sheets which is kind of an oddity since it never rains in Los Angeles. He thinks that maybe this should be some kind of God sent sign or something. What exactly this means, he doesn’t know but he really looks like shit today, not that this would matter because Adam doesn’t really care about how Kris looks.
He has no idea how he got here. He’s sure he didn’t drink last night and obviously he’s not high because getting high gives him bad headaches and nausea.
The idea of going back to his car enters his mind for a second or two, before it disappears just as fast, and his being here almost starts to make sense. After all, it’s raining and he doesn’t want to get wet and catch a cold. The fact that he’s already wet right now is kind of inconsequential.
He tells himself that he just needs his shirt. That’s what he’s been telling himself for a couple of days now. And he ignores the fact that the rational part of him tries to make him understand that this is a really bad idea, like the worst idea of all the worst ideas. Oh well, he’s always been bad at listening to his voice of reason. That’s why he always ended up hurt and heartbroken.
He knocks twice and waits for exactly 34 seconds. Not that he was counting or anything. He was just bored, and maybe a little bit scared. Or maybe he hoped that Adam wouldn’t be home and he will be able to go back to his old life without having tried to at least talk to Adam and explain. What explanation he wants to give to Adam, he doesn’t know, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary. He has been so confused about so many things lately that maybe it’s natural to not know what to say to Adam.
“Kris,” And when the hell did Adam open the door? He stares for a couple of moments, trying to take it all in, then smiles mechanically. He really didn’t plan this right. He should have prepared some kind of speech or something like that.
“I came for my shirt.” He says instead of hello. It’s probably the most appropriate thing to say. After all, he and Adam have nothing going on anymore. He left, never answered any of Adam’s texts, or calls, or e-mails. Yeah, there’s nothing between them anymore. No need to hope against hope that things will ever be different between them. He’s done believing in love and stupid happily ever afters.
“Your shirt-” And Adam sounds disappointed, sad almost, like Kris has just killed a puppy or spilled bleach on his favorite pair of jeans. But that wouldn’t make sense, would it? He’s certain that Adam wants nothing from him anymore. He’s been a pretty shitty friend lately. In his defense, though, he had no choice. He had to detach himself from Adam in some way or another.
“Yeah, you said you found it.”
Adam smiles back at him, just as strained and unfamiliar, but invites Kris in with a simple wave of his hand. It’s almost perverse how Kris’ heart suddenly picks up speed, and how his hands become irrationally sweaty. This simple thing shouldn’t mean so fucking much to Kris, it shouldn’t give him any false hope that Adam might want him back, and if he’s truly honest with himself, he doesn’t think he can go back to that kind of life. He deserves more from life, of this he’s sure.
“How have you been?” He asks, as he enters Adam’s apartment. It’s a stupid question he shouldn’t have asked because he really doesn’t want to know. He’s heard enough of Brad and Brad’s shoes, Brad’s boyfriends.
“I’ve been good.” Adam replies with a simple shrug. And yet, Kris knows very well that it's a lie. Adam doesn’t look good and considering how much store Adam puts by his image, he’s probably feeling even worse. Kris dimly wonders whether Brad is the cause of Adam’s distress again. Of course he is. “But you left.”
“Um, yeah?” It’s probably a stupid reply, but what else should he answer? It’s kind of obvious that he left.
“You left!” Adam says again, and this time it feels like a revelation to him. It’s like this is the first time Adam has acknowledged that Kris has indeed left him.
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
And isn’t this the strangest and funniest question he’s ever heard. Why did he leave? He laughs because this is kind of hilarious.
“Why?” He starts, after catching breath. “Well, let’s see. Various reasons. Maybe because you were in love with someone else. Maybe because I was sick and tired of being your toy. Or maybe because I wanted more from life. Are these good enough reasons for you, Adam? Or do you want some written apology?”
Adam looks at him like he’s seen a stranger, but surprisingly enough, he takes a couple of steps until he’s so close to Kris that it almost becomes unbearable. “We could have talked about it.”
“Talk about what, Adam?” He bites his upper lip, a nervous tic he must have picked up from Rob, then looks down. “If Brad would have wanted you back, you would have left me without looking back.”
“I don’t think I would have.” Adam whispers so so soft and slow slow that Kris thinks he imagined everything.
“Don’t lie, Adam.”
“I don’t think I would have left you for Brad. I-“ He starts, then tosses a hand through his hair nervously. “I was afraid, okay? Being in love with Brad has always been convenient because I’ve always known, deep down, that me and Brad will never be together. So if I was already in love with him, then I wouldn’t have to be in love with someone else and get my heart broken again.”
Kris frowns because Adam’s words don’t make any sense. “I loved you.”
“I know, but I was afraid that one day you would stop loving me.”
“So you chose to hurt me instead.”
“I-“ He shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything else. He just stares at Kris like he’s some kind of amazing person.
“I can’t believe I loved you.” He says, just for the hell of it. He feels satisfaction cursing through his veins as he sees Adam step back in surprise.
“Do you still love me?”
“No.” He replies after a couple of moments. He thought he would feel satisfied to say this, but for some unknown reason, it makes things worse. He has no idea how the hell he’s able to look Adam in the eye and say this lie without the slightest hint of remorse.
“I do,” Adam’s voice seems so strange and foreign as he says these words. It almost feels like there’s another person talking, not Adam.
“What?”
“I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.”
He starts laughing manically. This is unexpected. “I’m not your second best, Adam.”
“Kris-“ Adam starts, but Kris has had enough of everything.
“I might have loved you once, but I’m done with it, okay?” He replies, and it feels so real, almost like it’s the absolute truth. It feels like it somehow, and maybe it is. He’s waited for Adam to say those words for such a long time, but now that it happened it doesn’t make him feel any better. Quite the contrary, actually. Without even knowing it, Adam trampled all over his heart and made Kris feel like the most insignificant man on Earth. So it’s kind of logical that he doesn’t want to go back to that kind of life, to the fears that plagued his life for almost a year.
“I don’t think it matters that you love me. It’s too little too late to hear you say these words.”
He sees Adam’s face crumple under the weight of these words and if this sight breaks Kris’ heart, he doesn’t show it. He knows that this is the right thing to do. Maybe they were never meant to be together. They’re so different from each other it’s not even poetic.
“I think I should go.”
Adam just nods in response and looks towards the door like he really wants Kris to leave. Kris just takes the hint and makes his way out of Adam’s house and his life. He tells to himself that this is for the best. Love, after all, is not for him. He’s just a laidback guy with a nice voice and a guitar. He’s doomed to sing about love without ever having been loved by someone he loved. Such a sad life he lives.
When he finally gets to his car, he pulls his phone out of his pocket and sends a message to a number he knows all too well; ‘Dinner tonight?’
Robs reply comes within seconds: ‘You bet!’ It’s funny; he became something he promised himself that he wouldn’t. He’s Adam now.