Rusted from the rain
It is common knowledge that a tin-man should not walk in the rain. Water of any kind leads to rust, and everyone knows that rust is a bitch, what with the unattractive brown color and the abrasive layer that forms all over your tin. To make matters worse, water also affects your functions which is probably even worse than rust because no one actually knows how to fix the malfunctions caused by water. There are some experimental oils, sure, but they came with a whole paper bulk of warnings and side-effects, so basically, if you have water in your system, you’re screwed.
I’m telling you all this shit because I want to you to be warned about the dangers of stupid and pointless activities that involve water of any kind. You’re made of tin, not sponge, therefore water is not good for you-nu-huh. Repeat this to yourself every time you so much think about fucking up your system-or better yet, every single morning while polishing your tin.
Let me tell you a story about the friend of a friend. I know, I know, these kind of stories are often lies. It always starts with a friend who heard from the friend of a friend this story about someone who did something really stupid, and before you know it, you have a galaxy of rainbow colored unicorns who want to flood our planet. But hear me out, okay?
So the problem with this guy I was telling you about-that’s bad, man. Like so bad it kinda makes me laugh sometimes. Because the guy was a total idiot, not because of his problem. Flooding your system with water is not something one should make jokes about it. But anyway, I’m not telling you this story because I want to have a laugh out of an idiot’s tragedy. Contrary to popular belief, I never judge people, nor do I gossip.
The thing with this guy is that he fell in love with a sponge! I know, I was surprised, too, and exclamation mark is very appropriate in case you were wondering, and I would use more, but well, there’s like rules and regulations and I always obey the rules-sort of. Back to the point. I keep getting distracted for some reason. Might be because of my allergies. I started using this really strange experimental oil and it messes with my system. It takes some getting used to, they told me. Well, screw that. It’s been three months and the getting used to has not happened yet! I’m getting impatient and impatience makes me hot which consequently makes me rusty. Naturally.
Where were we again? Ah, yes, the story about the friend of a friend. It’s common knowledge that you don’t fall in love with a sponge. Sponges are always wet, and you can’t get near water! Exclamation mark again. It’s like mixing oil with water.
So okay, I know what you’re going to say. It’s not like he acted on it! He couldn’t have been that idiot? Right? Right? Well, if he wouldn’t have acted on it, we would not be having this conversation and the poor, poor tin-man would still be whole, or whatever. I don’t know how to define his condition, but you get the idea.
Apparently he met Sponge at a garage. He had an appointment for an oil treatment and a routine check. Sponge was also there, in the polishing area, doing extra hours. Apparently it was love at first sight. Sponge saw our tin man and asked for his serial number. Said he knew someone who had this incredible oil that made your tin look really shiny. The only thing he wanted in return was a date. Ha! To hell with that. I’m telling you, the sponges are evil. They might look cute and fluffy on the outside, but they’re really vicious creatures,
planning to destroy us. Why exactly, I don’t know. Might be because we are shiny and sparkly while they’rejust… soggy.
Somehow a date led to many other dates and before they knew it, before anyone knew it, actually, they were like two peas in a pod-disgustingly in love and talking about happily ever afters like they even had a clue about what that meant. How naïve they were. Whatever, back to the point of this conversation: you never fall in love with a sponge. Water is not good for you!
And I know that I might not make a lot of sense right now, that I might be even bordering on bitchy and racist, but if you really think about it, you will realize that I am right, that these kind of things, this charades that some dreamers call love are nothing but empty words, lies that will eventually leave us scarred and broken.
Take these idiots, for example. They didn’t want to accept that things were not quite as perfect as they wanted to believe they were. They didn’t even notice the way everything fell apart before their eyes, like a house of cards. They wouldn’t accept it until it was too late, until they were so completely and irremediably broken that the only thing left to do was to leave one another alone and forget that they even knew each other.
You might wonder, I bet, why. It’s probably the question on everyone’s minds right now. To be completely honest, I asked myself the same thing, too, but if you really think about it, the answer is really not that hard-its staring right at you actually: they were too different to make things work. And if I hear that crap about how differences are good or whatever again, I’m gonna smack you in your tin head until you come back to reality. Let’s leave this crap to the stupid Tinwood movies about happily neverending love and happily ever afters. This is real life and in real life this shit is overrated. Sponges and tin-men should never be together. It’s wrong on way too many levels and it doesn’t even make sense. I know what you’re going to say-that love is not supposed to make sense, but it’s not supposed to be this confusing, this hard. It should to easy to handle, or whatever. I’ve never been in a non-dysfunctional relationship, but from what I heard, love is easy and warm, it might smell a little bit like brand new oil. Their love, however, was nothing like that. Towards the end it might have even felt like rust on your hinges. It was that bad.
Even so, they still went on pretending-pretending that everything was alright, that Sponge didn’t miss being around water all the time, pretend that Tin-Man wasn’t getting sick of Sponge’s antics and mood swings. Their relationship was a freaking charade built on fake smiles and pretense and obviously something had to happen to bring them back to reality-a cold shower! Literally. I never use metaphors-they confuse me.
From what I heard, it was one of these really rainy and ugly days that that makes you want to hit your tin head against a wall until you can’t stand the sound anymore. Tin-man was pretty much in the same state of mind, but obviously Sponge was in a much better mood-water loving bastard. Somehow he managed to cajole Tin-Man into going outside “for a little walk,”, because “it would be really fun” and Tin-Man “would look so hot covered in rain”.
It goes without saying that Tin-Man, the complete and utter idiot, would fall for Sponge’s charms. After all, he was in love and it’s common knowledge that love makes us all stupid and irrational. Maybe it was the fact that Sponge was with him, maybe it was the excitement of new, but somehow, the rain felt like nothing he’s ever experienced, even better than brand new oil on his rusty bolts. Years from now, he would probably still be able to remember every single detail of that day-the smell of rain, the way Sponge squeezed his hand and laughed like no one but them existed, the fact that he’d never felt happier and more free.
Someone once said that for every action there’s a reaction. It’s probably the most fitting quote I can think of right now-a little cruel, but straight to the point I guess. I mean, if an army of people tells you that water is not good for you, then maybe you should take their advice and not get near water. They might know better than you. Our Tin-Man thought, stupidly I might add, that there would be no reaction for his action, that water will not fuck up with his functions. Or maybe he thought that Sponge would want him no matter what-in sickness and in health, as the saying goes. Not!
It’s not that they didn’t try to make things work after that, but Tin-Man might changed a little too much after that. The fact that he was not shiny and pretty anymore made him clingy and insecure and after a while Sponge kinda had enough of everything and left without so much of an explanation that would make everything a little more bearable. Turns out that the happily ever after they talked about in the beginning was a little temporary. Funny, I think that even the Tinwood movies everyone watch end exactly at the right time-when the main characters are pretty and happy and not scarred by time and rain.
The biggest problem is not that he walked in the rain. No, everyone does stupid things once in a while-it’s called living you life or whatever. It’s the fact that the water flooded his system and pretty much destroyed everything. Now he’s broken, and no one wants a broken tin-man, not when they can find a whole one, a low-maintenance one that does not come with a whole load crap of baggage. And I guess that when you’re broken and no one wants to deal with your malfunctions, it becomes hard to move on and find some kind of solution, be it a temporary one, for your problems. After all, why would you try and pull yourself off the ground when the only thing you can think of is how good it felt to walk in the rain, how alive and made you feel. Whatever. I guess I would do it all over again, flooding my system with water and all. After all, maybe it’s true when they say that sheer happiness only lasts a split second. Or maybe it lasts longer, but in our innate selfishness and arrogance we never really know how to acknowledge it until it’s gone and all we have left is a vivid dream about a little corner of paradise where everything is too fucking perfect to be real, where talking in the third person makes a lot more sense than actually admitting that you were the idiot who blindly believed in an impossible happily ever after.
Eh, I guess I should go now. I have to apply my oils again. I get cranky if I don’t.
I’m telling you all this shit because I want to you to be warned about the dangers of stupid and pointless activities that involve water of any kind. You’re made of tin, not sponge, therefore water is not good for you-nu-huh. Repeat this to yourself every time you so much think about fucking up your system-or better yet, every single morning while polishing your tin.
Let me tell you a story about the friend of a friend. I know, I know, these kind of stories are often lies. It always starts with a friend who heard from the friend of a friend this story about someone who did something really stupid, and before you know it, you have a galaxy of rainbow colored unicorns who want to flood our planet. But hear me out, okay?
So the problem with this guy I was telling you about-that’s bad, man. Like so bad it kinda makes me laugh sometimes. Because the guy was a total idiot, not because of his problem. Flooding your system with water is not something one should make jokes about it. But anyway, I’m not telling you this story because I want to have a laugh out of an idiot’s tragedy. Contrary to popular belief, I never judge people, nor do I gossip.
The thing with this guy is that he fell in love with a sponge! I know, I was surprised, too, and exclamation mark is very appropriate in case you were wondering, and I would use more, but well, there’s like rules and regulations and I always obey the rules-sort of. Back to the point. I keep getting distracted for some reason. Might be because of my allergies. I started using this really strange experimental oil and it messes with my system. It takes some getting used to, they told me. Well, screw that. It’s been three months and the getting used to has not happened yet! I’m getting impatient and impatience makes me hot which consequently makes me rusty. Naturally.
Where were we again? Ah, yes, the story about the friend of a friend. It’s common knowledge that you don’t fall in love with a sponge. Sponges are always wet, and you can’t get near water! Exclamation mark again. It’s like mixing oil with water.
So okay, I know what you’re going to say. It’s not like he acted on it! He couldn’t have been that idiot? Right? Right? Well, if he wouldn’t have acted on it, we would not be having this conversation and the poor, poor tin-man would still be whole, or whatever. I don’t know how to define his condition, but you get the idea.
Apparently he met Sponge at a garage. He had an appointment for an oil treatment and a routine check. Sponge was also there, in the polishing area, doing extra hours. Apparently it was love at first sight. Sponge saw our tin man and asked for his serial number. Said he knew someone who had this incredible oil that made your tin look really shiny. The only thing he wanted in return was a date. Ha! To hell with that. I’m telling you, the sponges are evil. They might look cute and fluffy on the outside, but they’re really vicious creatures,
planning to destroy us. Why exactly, I don’t know. Might be because we are shiny and sparkly while they’rejust… soggy.
Somehow a date led to many other dates and before they knew it, before anyone knew it, actually, they were like two peas in a pod-disgustingly in love and talking about happily ever afters like they even had a clue about what that meant. How naïve they were. Whatever, back to the point of this conversation: you never fall in love with a sponge. Water is not good for you!
And I know that I might not make a lot of sense right now, that I might be even bordering on bitchy and racist, but if you really think about it, you will realize that I am right, that these kind of things, this charades that some dreamers call love are nothing but empty words, lies that will eventually leave us scarred and broken.
Take these idiots, for example. They didn’t want to accept that things were not quite as perfect as they wanted to believe they were. They didn’t even notice the way everything fell apart before their eyes, like a house of cards. They wouldn’t accept it until it was too late, until they were so completely and irremediably broken that the only thing left to do was to leave one another alone and forget that they even knew each other.
You might wonder, I bet, why. It’s probably the question on everyone’s minds right now. To be completely honest, I asked myself the same thing, too, but if you really think about it, the answer is really not that hard-its staring right at you actually: they were too different to make things work. And if I hear that crap about how differences are good or whatever again, I’m gonna smack you in your tin head until you come back to reality. Let’s leave this crap to the stupid Tinwood movies about happily neverending love and happily ever afters. This is real life and in real life this shit is overrated. Sponges and tin-men should never be together. It’s wrong on way too many levels and it doesn’t even make sense. I know what you’re going to say-that love is not supposed to make sense, but it’s not supposed to be this confusing, this hard. It should to easy to handle, or whatever. I’ve never been in a non-dysfunctional relationship, but from what I heard, love is easy and warm, it might smell a little bit like brand new oil. Their love, however, was nothing like that. Towards the end it might have even felt like rust on your hinges. It was that bad.
Even so, they still went on pretending-pretending that everything was alright, that Sponge didn’t miss being around water all the time, pretend that Tin-Man wasn’t getting sick of Sponge’s antics and mood swings. Their relationship was a freaking charade built on fake smiles and pretense and obviously something had to happen to bring them back to reality-a cold shower! Literally. I never use metaphors-they confuse me.
From what I heard, it was one of these really rainy and ugly days that that makes you want to hit your tin head against a wall until you can’t stand the sound anymore. Tin-man was pretty much in the same state of mind, but obviously Sponge was in a much better mood-water loving bastard. Somehow he managed to cajole Tin-Man into going outside “for a little walk,”, because “it would be really fun” and Tin-Man “would look so hot covered in rain”.
It goes without saying that Tin-Man, the complete and utter idiot, would fall for Sponge’s charms. After all, he was in love and it’s common knowledge that love makes us all stupid and irrational. Maybe it was the fact that Sponge was with him, maybe it was the excitement of new, but somehow, the rain felt like nothing he’s ever experienced, even better than brand new oil on his rusty bolts. Years from now, he would probably still be able to remember every single detail of that day-the smell of rain, the way Sponge squeezed his hand and laughed like no one but them existed, the fact that he’d never felt happier and more free.
Someone once said that for every action there’s a reaction. It’s probably the most fitting quote I can think of right now-a little cruel, but straight to the point I guess. I mean, if an army of people tells you that water is not good for you, then maybe you should take their advice and not get near water. They might know better than you. Our Tin-Man thought, stupidly I might add, that there would be no reaction for his action, that water will not fuck up with his functions. Or maybe he thought that Sponge would want him no matter what-in sickness and in health, as the saying goes. Not!
It’s not that they didn’t try to make things work after that, but Tin-Man might changed a little too much after that. The fact that he was not shiny and pretty anymore made him clingy and insecure and after a while Sponge kinda had enough of everything and left without so much of an explanation that would make everything a little more bearable. Turns out that the happily ever after they talked about in the beginning was a little temporary. Funny, I think that even the Tinwood movies everyone watch end exactly at the right time-when the main characters are pretty and happy and not scarred by time and rain.
The biggest problem is not that he walked in the rain. No, everyone does stupid things once in a while-it’s called living you life or whatever. It’s the fact that the water flooded his system and pretty much destroyed everything. Now he’s broken, and no one wants a broken tin-man, not when they can find a whole one, a low-maintenance one that does not come with a whole load crap of baggage. And I guess that when you’re broken and no one wants to deal with your malfunctions, it becomes hard to move on and find some kind of solution, be it a temporary one, for your problems. After all, why would you try and pull yourself off the ground when the only thing you can think of is how good it felt to walk in the rain, how alive and made you feel. Whatever. I guess I would do it all over again, flooding my system with water and all. After all, maybe it’s true when they say that sheer happiness only lasts a split second. Or maybe it lasts longer, but in our innate selfishness and arrogance we never really know how to acknowledge it until it’s gone and all we have left is a vivid dream about a little corner of paradise where everything is too fucking perfect to be real, where talking in the third person makes a lot more sense than actually admitting that you were the idiot who blindly believed in an impossible happily ever after.
Eh, I guess I should go now. I have to apply my oils again. I get cranky if I don’t.