Losing my religion - Part 1.2/3
6
It’s not that bad, the relationship between him and Kris. As a matter of fact, he thinks he has never been happier. Kris is easy to talk to and he settles for the little Adam can give to him. Sometimes Adam wonders why he’s so pliant, why he doesn’t try to find someone better than him, someone who’d love him just the way he deserves.
It’s not that he doesn’t love Kris, because he really does, just not in the way he loves Brad. There are times when he thinks he’s on the right track. He knows there’s something strong between him and Kris. They probably wouldn’t be so good for each other if there wasn’t any kind of emotion in the middle. The thing is, every once in a while he finds himself craving for the drama or the storm that was between him and Brad. Call him masochistic, but he just can’t help feeling this way. He had never been the kind of man to settle for calm and comfortable. He wants to have someone sweep him off his feet, to turn him inside out.
Kris is convenient. There’s a certain strength in him that offers Adam stability and it’s been good for some time, but this is not what he’s used to. For all his life he has questioned himself. He always thought he wasn’t good enough. He was either too fat, too loud or too quiet, so it’s only natural that he feels scared when someone tells him that they can see the world through his eyes. It’s strange when he looks at Kris and sees bare adoration in his eyes. He is not special and he doesn’t need anyone to tell him differently. He’s afraid that one day the curtain will fall, Kris will see him for what he truly is, and then he willrii be way in too deep and he will get hurt. It’s probably selfish to think this way, but his experience with Brad has taught him how wrong it is to wear his heart on his sleeve.
Kris tells him he loves him. But no one can tell what will happen one year from now. Hell, he has no idea what will happen tomorrow. He needs to protect himself as good as he can. It’s not like they can sign a contract for a limited period of time and once the contract expires they can par ways and carry on as if nothing happened.
A knock on the door startles him. He knows it’s Kris because he has called earlier to ask Adam whether he was at home. Adam tried to ignore the rush of excitement he felt upon hearing Kris' voice. He tried to tell himself that this is normal, that nothing has changed about the way he feels about Kris. “It’s open.” He yells, too lazy to get up from the couch.
He hears the door creaking, and as he turns around he sees Kris beaming at him. Adam smiles back in return and beckons his boyfriend with his hand.
“Hey, stranger.” He says fondly. There’s a warmth in his heart that he can’t understand just yet. He thinks it’s the fact that with all the interviews and album recordings, they barely see each other these days. Even though they decided to take everything easy, Adam can’t deny that he misses Kris when he’s not around.
“Hey, yourself.” Kris says simply, his voice full of joy. He walks to Adam and sits on the couch. “I missed you.” He wraps his hands around Adam’s neck and pecks his lips.
“I missed you, too.” Adam replies softly and pulls Kris nearer. He loves these moments most. Everything seems so intimate and special, that he just feels lucky for having someone like Kris in his life. “How was your day?” He asks after some time as he threads his hands affectionately through Kris' hair.
“Boring.” Kris replies sullenly, then raises a little bit to kiss Adam’s cheek. “I’ve always thought that being a star would be so cool, but it’s just work and paperwork and meetings, and did you know that I need an assistant? Like why on Earth would I need an assistant? I can take care of my own problems thank you very much.”
His response draws a soft laugh from Adam. “Aww,” Adam coos, wrapping his arms protectively around Kris’ waist. “I’m sorry, baby. Those people are mean. They should be burned on a stake or something”
Kris chuckles. “You’re crazy. Though, you’d probably become my idol if you did that for me.”
“I don’t know about that. America already has an idol. Two idols would probably break the cosmic balance or something. They wouldn’t be able to handle us both.”
“I could lend you my trophy?” Kris looks up, staring at Adam with those puppy dog eyes that make him go weak in his knees.
“Thank you, but I think I’ll pass. I’m quite comfortable with being the runner-up. This way, the media won’t eat me alive when our sex-tape leaks.”
“We don’t have a sex tape, you jerk.”
“Yet, but there’s still time.”
“Does this mean you plan on keeping me around for a while?”
Maybe Kris’ question should have come off as a joke, but there was something so heartbreaking in the tone of his voice, that something so bitter settles in the pit of his stomach. He knows his actions are hurting Kris, but at the same time he’s too selfish to let go and give Kris the chance to be happy with someone else.
“I don’t know.” He replies sadly. “I’m sorry.” He runs a hand through his hair and thinks for a split second of how the air has changed between them. One minute ago they were laughing and joking, and now they’re staring at each other, expecting answers he can’t give.
“Hey,” Kris puts a hand on Adam, cheek, stroking it lightly. “We’re kind of fucked up, but I like it this way. I know I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I do love you and what we have is enough for now. I will not deny that I would be over the moon if one day you’d love me back, but there’s still time. We’ve just started our relationship and I understand that you’re afraid.”
Adam swallows the lump in his throat, then smiles softly. “I do love you. Just not in that way. And if one day you’ll decide that I’m not enough for you anymore, you can leave. I will not be mad at you or anything. I really want you to be happy and if I make you happy, then so be it. You make me happy as well so we’ll continue making each other happy for as long as it’s possible.”
“Good. I’m glad that we’ve cleared this up.”
7
He hates it when Kris is away. He hates how empty his apartment looks when Kris is not there, how deafening the silence is, or how pointless the coffee table looks without Kris’ sports magazines and music sheets.
Sometimes, when Kris is not home, he buys the things Kris would like, thinking that when Kris comes back, he’ll appreciate the effort. But Kris never notices, or if he does, he never says anything. Each time when they’re together they fall into some kind of routine that’s both unsettling and blissful to Adam. They act as if no one but them exists, like Adam is really in love with Kris, like Kris doesn’t know that what’s between them is just a temporary thing.
“You know,” He says one night out of the blue. They’re sitting on the couch, listening to Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ album and talking about how much their lives have changed during the last couple of months. “Maybe we should move in together.”
He watches as Kris sets his wine glass on the floor, then looks at Adam, confusion written all over his face. “Where did this come from?” He asks, a frown creasing his forehead.
Adam shrugs. He doesn’t know how to answer. He has been thinking about it for quite a while, going through the pros and cons of this idea. The thing is, he kind of wants to wake up with Kris every day, and to have Kris’ cheap shampoo next to his hundred dollar hair products, and Kris’ guitar in his bedroom.
As a matter of fact, he kind of wants everything Kris has to offer.
“I don’t know. We spend most of our time together,”
“Yeah, but moving in together?”
“Why not? I mean, I don’t like it when you say you have to go home.”
Kris laughs, throwing his head back and exposing the elegant line of his neck. Adam can’t help but stare at him for a couple of moments thinking of how lucky he is to have someone like Kris in his life. “I do have to go there every once in a while and you’re always welcome to come with me.”
“I don’t like it there.” He folds his arms like a child and wrinkles his nose. “It’s dark and there’s practically no furniture and the bed is so uncomfortable.”
Kris moves closer and snuggles against Adam’s chest. “Mmm, I’ll think about it.” He replies, and the answer is enough for Adam.
8
Although Kris never mentions moving in after that, he starts leaving more and more of his stuff at Adam’s and before he knows it, Adam’s home becomes Kris’ as well.
Kris’ plaid shirts look so strange and out of place next to Adam’s leather jackets, yet Adam finds that he’s not bothered by the contrast at all. He likes it like this. He’s happy to see how at ease Kris is with being here, how good he fits in.
Perhaps this relationship should scare Adam because this is not what he bargained for in the beginning. What started off as an experiment, turned into something far more serious and at this point Adam thinks he’ll never be the same if Kris ever decides to leave. He can’t say that he’s in love with Kris, because really, he isn’t. Still, what he feels for Kris is so strong that it scares him sometimes. It’s not the kind of love that took him by surprise and turned him inside out. It’s simple and uncomplicated, and it developed so gradually that he never had the time to acknowledge when or how the hell it happened.
When Kris shows up at his doorstep, guitar slung over his shoulder, he realizes that this is the moment he has been waiting for.
“So, I let my lease expire and I’m homeless now.” He shrugs and scratches his head nervously. “Is that offer of moving in together still available?”
He suddenly feels like laughing. “Of course. Most of your stuff is here anyway.” He lets Kris in and as soon as the door closes behind them he says“But just so you know, I’m gonna charge you for the rent.”
“That’s fine by me.” Kris giggles as he puts his guitar in a corner in the hallway, then leans in to kiss Adam.
This is probably the most intimate kiss they’ve every shared. Although they’ve kissed countless of times before, Adam feels like this time is different. It’s almost a revelation when Kris wraps his arms around Adam’s waist. Adam doesn’t know what this means, whether this is something important for both of them or if he should just shrug it off as nothing.
He doesn’t think when he pins Kris against the wall and pushes his pants down. All he knows is that he needs Kris in each and every way. He needs to feel Kris shiver with pleasure in his arms, he needs to hear Kris’ moans and taste Kris on his tongue.
9
He thought it would work. When they decided to live together, Kris thought that that was it, that Adam was finally opening up to him, that maybe Adam was starting to feel something more than friendship for him. But it wasn’t like that.
Adam, although caring and sweet as always, never tries to leave his comfort zone. He just takes Kris for granted, still dreaming that he and Brad will be together one day. He never tells Kris this because it would probably be too cruel, but Kris feels it every single time, each time Adam’s gaze lingers a moment too long on Brad, each time he says ‘Brad would have done that’ with that cheerfulness that makes Kris think that Adam doesn’t even realize what he’s doing.
The thing is, Adam is the perfect boyfriend. What he does for Kris would probably seem small and insignificant to most people, but Kris can’t deny that these little details break his heart at times. So he chooses to pretend they don’t exist. He never thanks Adam for the fact that he always buys Kris’ favorite crackers or that Adam replaced clubbing with quiet evenings spent at home because he knows that Kris hates having his life plastered on every tabloid.
And still, no matter how much he tries, he can’t help falling harder and harder for Adam. And it’s strange because he’s always prided himself with being a very realistic person. He never dreamed of achieving the impossible, never wanted anything more than what he deserved. So why is his heart so damn stubborn, then? Why can’t it accept that Adam will never love him the way Kris loves him?
10
They’re doing an interview for some nameless magazine. He’s too tired to remember which one, and frankly he doesn’t care. All he wants to do is go home and sleep for two days. He’s tired and numb and he feels like he doesn’t have the power to pretend like everything is alright anymore.
“I wish I met someone who would look at me the way Adam looks at you.” The reporter says and he has to bite the inside of his cheek to not laugh at the idiocy of this statement. People are so easily fooled by the well-rehearsed smiles and their friendship.
Adam doesn’t love him. He never has, and most probably, he never will. Kris is dumb enough to hope against hope that one day, in the far future, Adam will finally see what he has and give their relationship a chance. He’s not really asking for much. He just wants to be loved by the one he loves.
He looks in Adam’s direction and smiles as he sees that look on his boyfriend’s face. People think it’s love, and in a way they are right. Adam does love him, but only as a friend.
“You will. There’s someone for everyone.” Adam says with a serene look upon his face. Kris has to wonder whether this too is a lie, or if Adam really thinks that Brad will love him some day.
“Do you think Kris is the one for you, Adam?” She asks giddily.
Adam bites his upper lip, then stares at Kris for a couple of moments. “I guess so. I mean, I know I shouldn’t be saying all these things because you never know what the future has in store, but the way me and Kris are when we are together is right. He completes me.”
“That’s so sweet. Seriously, guys, you are absolutely adorable.” She beams at them and brings a hand to her chest dreamily. “Kris, what’s your response to what Adam has just said?”
“What else should I say? He said it all.” He says with a fake smile, trying to sweeten his voice as much as possible. Making a scene in front of an interviewer would probably hurt both his and Adam’s image and he’s not that much of an idiot.
He suddenly wonders if he will ever have someone to love him the way he loves Adam. Maybe the concept of soul mates is nothing but a myth meant to make one’s existence bearable. If everyone has a soul mate, then why do so many people die alone?