Nonsense I've Lost Count
I said my last words . . .
And they were so true that every time I think of them, or you, or that time, I'm thrown into tears again. I'll never understand truly.
I should never be allowed to care about something like this again. I wonder if you think the same way.
We had perfection. We truly did. Maybe in our next life we'll get it right . . . or maybe this was our last chance.
Or maybe nothing is real, and it is all in my head. You're not thousands of miles away anymore; you're on another planet- impossible. You're nothing but impossible. Augh. I have so many things to do and a lot of responsibilities. Why are you still here? I am so sick.
I don't want to cry. It should be gone now. You should be gone now.
I hope we meet in the future. I hope that when we do, I can know something 100%. I just want to be sure of one thing. One thing. I just want to know one thing for sure.
I gave you all of the patience you never deserved. I miss you. Not the you I last heard from, but the one that trusted me. I believe still in my heart that she was real. I'll never forget her; I'll never stop loving her. Can't I just love her without feeling sorrow now?
Death is so easy. It is the easiest thing. The easiest. So simple. So quick. -But something that can't be taken back.
If I'm good in this life, will I have another chance in the next one? A chance of meeting you? Maybe I'll do better then.
- but there is the chance that this is the only life I've got- the only chance I've got. I gave you everything. You looked at it, and then set it on a shelf and let it collect dust. It eventually got pushed to the back and replaced with other things- forgotten. When you look back through your life and find it hiding dusty and forgotten, will you remember that it's me? Will you remember who I was? Would you throw it away? Would you dust it off and set it back on the shelf? Would you hold it close and revisit it? I know you too well. So well. You'd dust it off, put it back on the shelf, and then let it collect more dust and let it be pushed to the back all over again. You'll never need me or speak to me again. Should our paths cross, you'll probably avoid me. If you ever come here, you'll break your promise and not notify me.
You let me disappear. You let me die. You put yourself through emptiness in order to put me through pain.
Things never had to be this way, but they turned out this way. I can't change them. I don't know how I would- because I can't change your mind! I can't change your mind! I can't make you remember me! I can't make you care. I can't do anything.
So, I'll just dream of the happiness I'll never have with you until the day I die. Until we close our eyes.
When I die, if I may, I still have a promise to keep. I'll make sure you're always safe when you cross the street.
I can't love anything like I love you. I should never love anything like I love you. My dearest heart . . . my last hope . . . I can't be allowed to love anything as I love you. I don't want to die thinking my hope was wasted. I don't want to die thinking my words were laughed at and mocked. I don't want to die thinking my love was worthless. I don't want to die thinking I failed. I don't want to die if there was something else I could do . . . but I can't do anything. You'll never speak to me again, and it hurts endlessly. It hurts more than being ignored. It hurts more than knowing you don't give a shit. It hurts more because I'm not recognized or remembered. I'm not even something to be annoyed by or hated. I'm nothing at all. I don't exist.
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you . . . until we close our eyes.