FUCK
EVER LOOK UP AT YOUR CEILING ABOVE YOUR BED AND SEE THIS:
?
DIDN'T THINK SO.
WANNA SEE WHAT THE INSIDE OF THE HOLE LOOKS LIKE?
WANNA SEE WHAT IT DOES TO A MATTRESS?
EVER COUNT THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU'VE COME HOME ALL READY TO CURL UP IN YOUR NICE WARM BED AND FOUND THERE TO BE A PUDDLE ROUGHLY 3 FEET WIDE AND A FOOT AND A HALF FOOT TALL TAKING UP MORE THAN HALF OF THE WIDTH OF YOUR BED?
I'VE LOST COUNT.
I'VE EVEN LOST COUNT SINCE SEPTEMBER WHEN I BOUGHT THAT MATTRESS. SINCE MY OLD MATTRESS GOT BURIED UNDER 7 INCHES OF WATER WHEN I WAS IN MODESTO WATCHING MY SISTER HATCH OUT A BABY.
APPARENTLY, TEMPUR-PEDIC MEMORY FOAM (THE THING THAT'S BEEN HELPNG ME SLEEP SO MUCH RECENTLY?) DOESN'T WATER STAIN LIKE THE OH-SO-EVIDENTIAL MATTRESS, BUT IT'S SOAKED TOO. INFACT, I THOUGHT I'D JUST GOTTEN OFF WITH A LIGHT SPRINKLING UNTIL I PRESSED MY HAND INTO THE WET SPOT ON MY SHEETS AND REALIZED THE FOAM MATTRESS PAD WAS ALMOST GUSHING. IF YOU PUSH YOUR HAND DOWN ON THE MATTRESS ITSELF (AFTER MUCH STRIPPING OF THE BED AND SCREAMING. NOTE ALL THE PILLOWS TO THE SIDE OF THE COOL MATTRESS STAIN SHOTS), IT'S LIKE YOU WASHED YOUR HAND OR STUCK IT UNDER A WATERFALL. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING.
AND AS THE ICING ON THE CAKE, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE CEILING YOU WANT OVER YOUR STEREO AND COMPUTER:
?
DIDN'T THINK SO.
I'M SICK. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I DECIDED TO CURL UP AND WATCHED THE HARRY POTTER MOVIE AGAIN, IN MY RELATIVELY COMFORTABLE RECLINER, WHILE THE SPACE HEATER HEATED UP MY BEDROOM (DID I MENTION MY HOUSE HAS NO HEAT?), DRINK WATER AND GET NICE AND DROWSY, THEN WHEN THE MOVIE WAS OVER, TROT MY HAPPY ASS THE TEN FEET FROM THE RECLINER TO THE BEDROOM AND CURL INTO MY NICE WARM BED AND FALL ASLEEP.
IT HAS JUST NOT BEEN MY NIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.