Logline

[rhienelleth]

A resourceful space pilot with a troublesome telepathic gift is searching for the mother she lost fifteen years ago, when she is kidnapped by pirates outlawed by the government for their own psychic abilities; but when she discovers her kidnappers are also the family who once tried to kill her as a child, she realizes the mystery of her mother’s

Comments

[stephdub]

It sounds awesome! I would definitely read it. :)

[rhienelleth]

Thanks! :)

[queenoftheskies]

I was fortunate to take a screenwriting class with the gentleman who wrote that book before he died. Good experience.

I hear that some literary agents like loglines and some don't, but you can generally learn the ones who don't fairly easily.

I think the second half of the logline needs to be clarified a bit.

[rhienelleth]

Wow, that is really awesome! I wouldn't hesitate to take a class with him, given the opportunity. (I understand he is no longer with us, and learning this made me very sad. He is so vibrant on the pages of his book.) I love his voice and pretty much everything he says in his books.

I'm not doing the logline as a pitch - I already have an agent, so hopefully that won't be necessary! :) Anyway, I'm doing it as an exercise. He really emphasizes that the ability to boil your book/script down to that one engaging line is a good indication of how awesome your story is (my words, not his).

I agree. It just doesn't read right to me, but this is the twentieth or so iteration, and I just reached a point where new versions sounded worse, not better. I thought it sharing it and getting feedback might give me a fresh perspective.

[rhienelleth]

Okay, I posted another version up top. I think it is more clear. What do you think?

[queenoftheskies]

If you were doing this for a screenplay, I'd say it was a little too long, but since you're not... :)

The one thing I still wonder is why she has to embrace her gifts if any of them are to survive.

Though I think this version gives a better idea of the story, definitely.

[xlana]

I like it and would definitely read it based on that logline.

[rhienelleth]

Thanks! :)

[frenchroast]

I like the new version a LOT better. It's a bit wordy.

I'd trim it to: "A resourceful space pilot with a troublesome telepathic gift searches for the mother she lost when she is kidnapped by telepathic pirates; when she discovers her kidnappers are family, she realizes her mother's disappearance holds deadly secrets, and she must embrace her gifts if any of them are to survive.

I know the whole "family who tried to kill her" is an important thing, but it's too much info for a logline, and since she survived, it's kind of moot. We don't need to know the specifics of how long ago her mother was lost, either. Also, pirates are generally already outlawed by the government (even if their telepathy is even more outlawed) so I don't think you need that extra part.

[rhienelleth]

You make excellent points! Thanks. :)

[frenchroast]

And a further tweak--make "when she discovers" into "after she discovers" to prevent the repetition.

[kistha]

YAY!