the damage that was done, the treasures that prevail
a LIVEJOURNAL entry!!
I have been trembling for the past two days. This is me on the verge of a breakthrough, says a dear and trusted friend, this is but the tip of the iceberg. This restlessness with no name.
I've been trying to stop the compulsive behavior that takes me further away from myself. Always seizing the first thing that can make me feel alive again. Ever since a couple of days ago when i was broken open just a little, just a little. Roni said this has been a long time coming. I say how can i go back, how can i ever live in that world, it is the land of the dead, i walk among corpses. Heaving sobs, howling, sensing the danger of all this pain, all of these feelings that have been repressed. I am still so ALONE. Love and acceptance are more threatening to me than loneliness. I put on a mask and start to weave magic until people and people and people resonate together and i assume that everyone is the same. I am terrified of what's underneath my masks. I am terrified of the love and acceptance that i need so badly because i think it's based upon superficiality, i don't let anyone see me, convinced that they don't WANT to see me.
I know why i'm so exhausted. It's from the running and the running and the running. It is a special kind of fatigue, i think, for soon it will lead to the surrender of ego fears, giving up the perpetual upstream swim. There is no better way to get someone to surrender. Torture them, isolate them, make them question their sanity. One would have to choose between life and death. Choosing life means surrendering then, following whatever may come. Hopefully i will see that my time in the underground forests was meaningful. I've come to know it as my home, where the roots of my psyche are, where i go to learn of the cycles and the continuous flow of life into death into life again.
Home is a holograph.
After deep pain, there is always a fear that we will one day be captured again. By avoiding the depression i'm cutting myself off from everything else. From the feelings that will lead to creativity. I'm so afraid that if i allow myself to feel anything at all then i will let open the floodgates and be obliterated by the darkness there.
SO.SELF.ABSORBED!!
Just trying to make sense in the midst of something that won't be fully understood until much later on. There is this cycle of descent after descent after descent and i am so impatient to feel the meaning of it all, the desperate girl i'm trying to get away from is standing on my shoulders and weighing me down. I tell roni, you're the butterfly who must always keep reminding me that i am still a caterpillar. I still am in the chrysalis. Will i come to see that this is all part of the process? The words of T.S Eliot awaken me:
but the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
so the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
I went to see our little gooselings today but the tide was high, our island was floating, looked so far away. I did get to see Papa Goose/sentinel though, and he is doing quite well, crash landing into the water, gathering food for his wife and kidz.
p.s. OMGZ WHAT DO GEESE EAT
I have been trembling for the past two days. This is me on the verge of a breakthrough, says a dear and trusted friend, this is but the tip of the iceberg. This restlessness with no name.
I've been trying to stop the compulsive behavior that takes me further away from myself. Always seizing the first thing that can make me feel alive again. Ever since a couple of days ago when i was broken open just a little, just a little. Roni said this has been a long time coming. I say how can i go back, how can i ever live in that world, it is the land of the dead, i walk among corpses. Heaving sobs, howling, sensing the danger of all this pain, all of these feelings that have been repressed. I am still so ALONE. Love and acceptance are more threatening to me than loneliness. I put on a mask and start to weave magic until people and people and people resonate together and i assume that everyone is the same. I am terrified of what's underneath my masks. I am terrified of the love and acceptance that i need so badly because i think it's based upon superficiality, i don't let anyone see me, convinced that they don't WANT to see me.
I know why i'm so exhausted. It's from the running and the running and the running. It is a special kind of fatigue, i think, for soon it will lead to the surrender of ego fears, giving up the perpetual upstream swim. There is no better way to get someone to surrender. Torture them, isolate them, make them question their sanity. One would have to choose between life and death. Choosing life means surrendering then, following whatever may come. Hopefully i will see that my time in the underground forests was meaningful. I've come to know it as my home, where the roots of my psyche are, where i go to learn of the cycles and the continuous flow of life into death into life again.
Home is a holograph.
After deep pain, there is always a fear that we will one day be captured again. By avoiding the depression i'm cutting myself off from everything else. From the feelings that will lead to creativity. I'm so afraid that if i allow myself to feel anything at all then i will let open the floodgates and be obliterated by the darkness there.
SO.SELF.ABSORBED!!
Just trying to make sense in the midst of something that won't be fully understood until much later on. There is this cycle of descent after descent after descent and i am so impatient to feel the meaning of it all, the desperate girl i'm trying to get away from is standing on my shoulders and weighing me down. I tell roni, you're the butterfly who must always keep reminding me that i am still a caterpillar. I still am in the chrysalis. Will i come to see that this is all part of the process? The words of T.S Eliot awaken me:
but the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
so the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
I went to see our little gooselings today but the tide was high, our island was floating, looked so far away. I did get to see Papa Goose/sentinel though, and he is doing quite well, crash landing into the water, gathering food for his wife and kidz.
p.s. OMGZ WHAT DO GEESE EAT