Beware the Broccoli Stalker
The following IM conversation really did take place.
[10:29 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: GOOD EVENING.
[10:29 PM] Jonah: and who might this be?
[10:30 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: I AM THE BROCCOLI STALKER - CAPTAIN OF CELERY, LORD OF LEEKS, ZORRO OF ZUCCHINI.
[10:30 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: I AM HERE TO DISCUSS THE FUTURE BETWEEN YOU AND VEGETABLES.
[10:30 PM] Jonah: oh?
[10:30 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: YOU DO LIKE VEGETABLES, DON'T YOU?
[10:31 PM] Jonah: as flavoring agents, sure
[10:31 PM] Jonah: rarely as an end in themselves
[10:32 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: THAT IS DEPRESSING. YOU SHOULD BE HAPPILY CONSUMING 5-9 SERVINGS OF FRUITS AND VEGETABLES EACH DAY.
[10:32 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: WE ARE NOT MERELY "FLAVORING AGENTS" AS YOU SO HASTILY BRAND US. WE ARE PURVEYORS OF ESSENTIAL VITAMINS AND MINERALS.
[10:32 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: TAKE BROCCOLI, FOR EXAMPLE. WE ARE CHOCK FULL OF VITAMIN A, C, AND K, AMONG OTHERS.
[10:33 PM] Jonah: that's what vitamin pills are for!
[10:33 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY TAKE ENOUGH PILLS TO ENSURE THAT YOUR BODY GETS ALL OF THE VITAMINS AND MINERALS IN VEGETABLES.
[10:34 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: SURE YOU CAN GET SOME OF THEM, AND PERHAPS EVEN MOST OF THE RECOMMENDED DAILY VALUES ON THE MAJOR VITAMINS, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY. YOU WILL MISS OUT ON THE MINOR BUT IMPORTANT NUTRIENTS.
[10:34 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: ARE THERE ANY VEGETABLES YOU LIKE?
[10:34 PM] Jonah: sure
[10:34 PM] Jonah: garlic
[10:34 PM] Jonah: onions
[10:34 PM] Jonah: artichokes
[10:35 PM] Jonah: olives and tomatoes are technically fruit, but they're savories
[10:35 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: WELL AT LEAST WE ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE.
[10:35 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: ARTICHOKES ARE GOOD.
[10:35 PM] Jonah: i'm so glad you approve
[10:36 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: I WISH YOU WOULD CONSUME A WIDER VARIETY OF VEGETABLES THOUGH.
[10:36 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: ALL OF THE SCIENTIFIC AND TRADITIONAL DATA CLEARLY SUGGEST THAT YOU SHOULD BE CONSUMING VEGETABLES REGULARLY.
[10:37 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: YET YOU DO NOT. WHY?
[10:39 PM] Jonah: because as healthy and enticing as a bed of lettuce might be, it's still just rabbit food to me. i'll take a nice steak any day.
[10:39 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED HOW QUICK AND SPRY RABBITS ARE? CLEARLY THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.
[10:40 PM] Jonah: they also have a life span of 10 years
[10:40 PM] Jonah: and big ugly teeth and pointy ears
[10:40 PM] Jonah: i'd like to think humanity can rise a bit above rabbits
[10:40 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: AND WHAT KINDS OF ANIMALS DO YOU THINK EAT COWS?
[10:41 PM] Jonah: the smarter ones
[10:41 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: SO YOU PREFER TO THINK OF YOURSELF AS A BOTTOM-FEEDING VULTURE THAT SLURPS UP THE ROTTING CARCASSES OF CATTLE?
[10:41 PM] Jonah: let's not forget cute little lambs
[10:41 PM] Jonah: and poor defenseless pigs
[10:42 PM] Jonah: and innocent chickens
[10:42 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: THERE'S MAD COW DISEASE, BUT NOT MAD LETTUCE DISEASE. THAT'S FOR A REASON.
[10:43 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: I BET YOU'RE THE REASON LITTLE BO PEEP COULDN'T FIND HER SHEEP - YOU ATE HER.
[10:43 PM] Jonah: i'd consider that a great honor
[10:44 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF DECENCY, SIR.
[10:45 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: DO YOU BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION?
[10:45 PM] Jonah: maybe not, but i do have a sense of delicacies... like a nice grilled tri tip
[10:45 PM] Jonah: sure i do
[10:45 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: THEN CONSIDER THE FACT THAT GORILLAS AND CHIMPS ARE PRIMARILY FOLIAGE EATERS.
[10:45 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: AND THAT WE EVOLVED FROM THEM.
[10:46 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: YOU DON'T SEE GORILLAS EATING COWS, NOW DO YOU?
[10:46 PM] Jonah: yeah and look at where gorillas are now. either festering in zoos or dying in the jungles.
[10:46 PM] Jonah: maybe if they started branching out a bit in their culinary activities, they'd fare a bit better
[10:46 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: THAT IS BECAUSE OF HUMAN INTERVENTION. ON THEIR OWN, THE GORILLAS DO QUITE WELL. DO YOU KNOW WHY HUMAN INTERVENTION IS SO DEVASTATING FOR THE GORILLAS?
[10:47 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: IT'S BECAUSE THE HUMAN THINKING PROCESS IS CLOUDED BY INDIVIDUALS SUCH AS YOURSELF WHO DO NOT EAT ENOUGH VEGETABLES.
[10:47 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SPROUTS.
[10:47 PM] Jonah: i just can't argue with reasoning like that
[10:48 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: THEN PLEASE INCLUDE MORE VEGETABLES IN YOUR DIET.
[10:48 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: PROMISE TO ME.
[10:49 PM] Jonah: i promise to double the amount of broccoli i eat
[10:49 PM] Jonah: and triple the amount of brussel sprouts
[10:49 PM] Jonah: you have my word on that
[10:49 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: NICE TRY. I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU EAT ANY OF THOSE AT THE PRESENT.
[10:49 PM] Jonah: whatever would give you that idea?
[10:49 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: I MAY HAVE BEEN BORN IN THE LAST GROWING SEASON, BUT IT SURE WASN'T YESTERDAY.
[10:50 PM] Jonah: yeah, there's just no fooling you
[10:50 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: I AM THE ALL-SEEING BROCCOLI.
[10:50 PM] Jonah: sounds like a genetically-mutated breed
[10:50 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: NOW THEN, YOU MUST PROMISE TO EAT NINE SERVINGS OF VEGETABLES DAILY.
[10:51 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: NO! GENETICALLY MUTATED VEGETABLES ARE A MUTANT RACE.
[10:51 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: THEY ARE FREAKS AND SHOULD BE DESTROYED.
[10:51 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: LET US ETHNIC CLEANSE THE PRODUCE SECTION.
[10:51 PM] Jonah: that sounds like fun
[10:52 PM] Jonah: as long as i can be indiscriminate in my ethnic cleansing
[10:52 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: NO
[10:52 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: TRADITIONAL VEGETABLES ARE YOUR FRIENDS.
[10:53 PM] Jonah: none of them have ever been as forward as you
[10:53 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: THAT IS BECAUSE I AM THE BROCCOLI SPOKESVEGETABLE.
[10:53 PM] Jonah: how did you obtain that illustrious position?
[10:54 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: PART OF IT WAS BY PURE CHANCE AS I HAPPEN TO BE GIFTED WITH GREAT INTELLECTUAL ABILITIES THAN MOST OF MY FELLOW VEGETABLES.
[10:54 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: GREATER, EXCUSE ME
[10:55 PM] Jonah: well, don't flatter yourself
[10:55 PM] Jonah: i've met some pretty sharp vegetables
[10:55 PM] Jonah: i've got the scars to prove it!
[10:57 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: I DO NOT INTEND TO.
[10:58 PM] Jonah: well that sure is a relief
[10:59 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: I BELIEVE IT IS TIME FOR ME TO REJOIN MY FRIENDS IN THE GARDEN. I HAVE A LONG GROWING DAY AHEAD OF ME
[10:59 PM] Jonah: watch out for rabbits
[10:59 PM] Jonah: or lawnmowers
[11:00 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: RABBITS ARE OUR FRIENDS.
[11:00 PM] BR0CCOLI STALKER: GOOD NIGHT.