PROVIDENCE FINALE

Apr 10, 2015 17:08


Just kidding. Really there was some stuff I wanted to talk about in regards to the story so I thought this would entice ppl in though now that you know a bunch of you are probably going to leave lmao.

So early on when I started liking 2hee I went looking for fics, but to my disappointment there were none (I found one but it also had to do with Han Geng which, no). I figured if I wanted to read one I would have to write it myself but didn't have any inspiration or a good grasp on how to write Gunhee as a character. However inspiration struck suddenly when Heechul went on tv with what appeared to be a cold sore, something Gunhee had stated he also gets. I had to write it and as most ppl probably know that was my first 2hee fic called appropriately, Cold Sores. Also the first 2hee fic I know of that had no hanchul related elements I'm sure the world thanks me you're welcome. As I became more involved in 2hee I had many ideas about their relationship and decided to write a story about it. Not just any story though something big and epic.

The original title for Providence was This Is It because the point was that Heechul was going to spend the rest of his life with Gunhee and he knew that. I started not to like the title as much and also the kind of fairy tale ideal that it and the end of the story stood for about finding someone and knowing you are going to be with them for the rest of your life. It's a nobel thought for sure, but I wasn't sure if it suited Heechul's way of thinking. I also noticed that most of my other recent fics took the titles from Ani Difranco songs and went looking for any that could suit the opus. The song Providence is nothing like my story but the word itself I liked and it was the only one I considered could be a title. The word however has some religous connotations in it's most popular definition so I was unsure at first since Heechul isn't exactly a religious person, but I started to like it so much I had to use it.

There are some ideas I wanted to focus on not as part of the plot but background ideas. I don't have enough confidence in my writing so I'm not sure if I conveyed it properly so I'm just going to talk about it here. I think Heechul's personality is very conflicting with itself so I tried to keep that in the story as best I could. However I think I didn't actually do it correctly lmao. I pointed out a number of times how I think Heechul isn't as confident as he seems to be. I think a part of him is very self-concious and scared. In this fic it's fear of falling in love again and being good enough for Gunhee. That's all pretty obvious, but the times where Heechul is confident and bold weren't meant to be just acts. I think Heechul is also confident and self-assured in other aspects of his life, but not his romantic life or in terms of how likable he is to people who know him personally. I'm not sure I conveyed that properly in the fic, but that was an intention of mine.

Because Heechul had this personality conflict I wanted to add something similar for Gunhee. Once agian, not sure how that worked out but here's what I was going for. A lot of the people I talked to about this mentioned how perfect Gunhee is. And even before I started posting the story I was like Gunhee is too perfect of a boyfriend. I suppose that is a good thing in the end because it constrasted with Heechul's lack of confidence in his ability to be a boyfriend/the times he actually was a shitty boyfriend lmao. Still, I didn't really like it which is where the "I'm not your perfect puzzle peice" speech came in. Gunhee is a good boyfriend to be sure, but I wanted to emphasize that he isn't Heechul's ~manic pixie dream girl~ (lmaoooo) or anything, he's just a good boyfriend. He knows what Heechul is like and how to deal with him. And without me really thinking about it that kind of turned into his own flaw. This fic was mostly from Heechul's perspective so I think it's a shame I couldn't explore it, maybe in a future fic, but when I thought about it Gunhee's actions are I think the logical and healthy thing to do (understanding your partner had past feelings and may not immediately get over them), but like since when is love logical you know what I mean??? So I started to think his understanding of Heechul's situation came a little from his desperation to be with him because unlike Heechul, Gunhee knows Heechul is a catch and there are many other people who could love him like Gunhee does. So even if a secret part of him is hurt he's just going to be steadfast and logical about it instead of getting upset like Heechul would. I did make Gunhee point it out to Heechul because like I said I was thinking Gunhee is acting too perfect, but I'm not sure how that came across.

Lastly, the main conflict in this story is Heechul accepting his past and learning to love partly himself and someone else again, but it's definitely also about two people falling in love. This old lady was in love once too you know so I took that experience and tried to convey it here to make Heechul and Gunhee's love as true to what love is as I know it. I think being in love is not something super magical and cinematic or something average or even mundane. I think it's a bit of both. When I was in love there were things that happened where I thought that was like a perfect movie moment or times with deep meaningful conversations, but there's also a lot of stupid joking around or just me being sad and nothing else, nothing magical or dramatic about it. This is the one part where I like to think I succeeded lmao. Heechul and Gunhee have their moments of magical kisses and epic speeches and other stupid shit that makes the fact that this is a fic obvious. But I think not really because that kind of magical shit can happen in real life or at least that's what I think and also how I justify to myself some of this cheesy dialogue. But of course Heechul and Gunhee are Heechul and Gunhee so it's also a lot of bickering and joking and talking about nothing much or making out. A whole lot of nothing special mixed with something special. And I think that's what being in love is and I hope I conveyed that properly through the fic.

Providence was not the big and epic fic I originally planned of course. And still I'm not sure it's the big epic fic this fandom deserves. But I've come to terms with that fact that big epic fics are not my forte. I can do epic and epic emotions and moments though so I hope that those parts of the fic make up for the fact that this story wasn't the interconnected giant I wanted it to be.

Deleted Scene

This fic was brought about from my own headcanons of course, but secondly from Ani Difranco lyrics. Because of that I'm going to include lyrics that inspired me and talk about them a bit. Also because of that I ended up with one deleted scene that was planned for the fic for a very long time, but I was iffy on for a while and when the time came I didn't add it in.

Inspired by some lines from a song called 78% H2O (and just a teeny tiny bit from two lines from Serpentine) my original plan was for Gunhee to have had a crush on Heechul when they were in middle school. Gunhee would end up confessing this to Heechul during their big argument when Heechul was having his pity party and Gunhee calls him out of not being the only person to have their heart broken. However, it conflicted with me establishing Gunhee figuring out he was gay in high school and I was feeling iffy on what, if anything, that would mean for Gunhee's motivations when he meets Heechul again in the future so it was cut out.

Lyrics

Make Me Stay
save the profile
for the camera
give me your eye to eye
I know all your secrets
and you know
all of mine

This one is what inspired the idea that even after Heechul tells Gunhee everything he still resists a little, most specifically when he pretends to not miss the other suju members after Heechul has already confessed everything.

Small World
I said skeletons are fine
your closet or mine
and we took turns recounting
the details of lost time
and when we had both
admitted it all
we threw our heads back
and laughed until we cried
we laughed because the world
is absurd and beautiful
and small

I frickin love this song and if the rest of it wasn't so specfifc the whole thing would probably be here, but this is the only non specific parts. I think it's perfect for 2hee since they were friends and then met again years later. Small world right?

Served Faithfully
I have only just met
an old old friend
we've been walking around holding hands
I hope some day he can bend
as far as it takes to understand
and risk breaking open again

I know for sure I used this in my series of drabbles, but this is one of the most accurate 2hee thing in the world for obvious reasons so I'll present without comment.

Used to You
I think I know more than you
about the way you feel

This was my sole inspiration for Gunhee's comment that he had more faith in Heechul than Heechul did when it came to meeting Gunhee again. Also I think it fits with the idea in the fic that Gunhee believes in Heechul where Heechul doesn't.

Worthy
you think you're not worthy
I'd have to say I agree
I'm not worthy of you
you're not worthy of me

I think this one fits for both Heechul and Gunhee. Both of them feel that they aren't good enough for the other.

Going Down
But I'm just about done
with the oh-woe-is-me shit
and I want everything back
that's mine

This is one of the lyrics that just fucks me up. Mostly because I do associate with how I wanted Heechul to be able to move on after being hurt. In the fic itself Heechul isn't as angry as the lyrics, but I think the sentiment stands. Plus like I said I really love this lmao.

As Is
I got no illusions about you
guess what
I never did
when I said
when I said I'll take it
I meant
I meant as is

Once again I used these lyrics before, but the whole songs is a good 2hee song and needs to be recognized. Another lyric about Gunhee's acceptence of Heechul despite Heechul's resistance.

Rock Paper Scissors
Surprise surprise here's another bright light in your eyes
exposing all the stuff you're not calculating enough to hide

Some more lyrics that fuck me up. This fits more for when Heechul is unhappy with how much Gunhee is able to get under his skin.

In Here
And I always just see new things
to admire about you
Am I what your thought you were getting
does this love we make make you proud
does it look like it did on the menu
minus of course the little dark cloud

I love love love this song because I think it's very much a Heechul song. It matches Heechul's feelings of being very much in love but still unsure of himself and too focused on his own flaws.

In the Way
Then we stood there unencumbered
and we stood there undeterred
because we were done clinging
to the things
we were afraid to lose
and the only thing left
was a breathtaking view

This was the inspiration for Heechul telling Gunhee about Han Geng. I think that's pretty obvious. I think this also inspired me to write the part where Heechul and Gunhee talk about coming out.

Slide
Because when I look at you I squint
you are that beautiful

This is just reallly cute and I have wanted to use it to make an edit for forever but I still suck at edits and I love this too much to not give it to a good edit.

Oh My My
The breadth of
my smile now
the depth of
my feeling
way down in my dark life
a shaft of your light
shines through
that is what I
what I think about
when I think about
you

This is one of those lyrics I used for my end goal. Like this is what I want Heechul to feel about Gunhee at the end.

Here for Now
Yeah the moment when your heart jumps it's all that's happening
and once again it's like the first time you've felt that shock
the moment when your heart jumps it's all that's happening
and I was right behind the door when you knocked

This is literally the only reason for the scene where Gunhee shows up at Heechul's dorm the first time when he asks Heechul to go to Busan. I just really liked the scene the lyrics painted.

Round a Pole
But I decided just to love you back instead
because I have studied my own pain
like an ambitious scientist
and I've discovered it's all the same
and has nothing to do with this

This was also a big part of what helped me come up with how I wanted to make Heechul feel about Han Geng after he met Gunhee. I definitely didn't want Heechul's past feelings to disapear because they were replaced with someone else. That wasn't realistic or fair to Gunhee. So because of this I really started liking the idea of Heechul loving them in different ways.

Second Intermission
And somewhere inside your iris
blooms the reflection of my surprise
as you stroll past every last do not enter
and touch me at my epicenter

And this is it. It has a similar message to a lot of other lyrics I attribute to 2hee, but I think this is the best description of 2hee there is so I'll let it speak for itself.

heechul/gunhee, not fic

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