A Passing Thought [1]
This came to me last night and I decided that I didn't want to let it get away from me, so I quickly scrawled it down on some paper and am now exploring it in more detail. I may have more of these so it is titled with the number 1, I assume that more will come to me. I have placed it under a
For a long time I have known something about me, I was a very immature and naive child. Despite that fact that I seemed very mature that was only a front and it was only in certain areas. It took me until I came out as trans which was only a year and half ago to realise that my parents are not experts and I probably should never have listened to them as much as I did. What intrigues me is why? Most children learn that their parents are capable of being wrong from a much younger age and because I didn't, I've sort of ended up not quite being where I want to be. Of course that isn't my parents fault it is mine but now I am stuck, I have two paths and one is where I really want to be and the other is still okay but not quite what I wanted it to be. My two paths will actually determine my future quite a bit and that is what worries me, I may screw up my future because I foolishly believed that my parents were experts. What also worries me is that if I had kept denying being trans for the next four or five years I may never have noticed that I wasn't doing what I wanted, I may never have noticed and by then it would essentially be too late. So what do I do?
I see myself with two or maybe three options:
1. To continue on as I am
2. To continue this last year of school and then start over
3. Start over right now
Like all decisions there are many advantages and disadvantages, part of me really doesn't see the first as being a viable option any more but part of me is also a chicken and what I plan to do is quite a big decision. As I only have around half a year of school left, two seems really sensible as after all I have spent all this time studying for things it would be a shame to quite now and I would end up with a nice set of qualifications. Plus when I start over I could actually get my new qualifications in my new legal name straight off and I could have enough time to change all my old certificates as well plus it would make applying a lot easier, however I would have to go through all of that again. Starting over right now (and by right now I mean in the new school year - meaning I would spend a lot of time working until then) could be interesting, I don't really know how well it would go. Of course I will have to talk to teachers, my parents and probably our school's counsellor - who still calls me by my old name despite knowing I don't like that... I think she is the only other adult who doesn't think I am serious about what I want to do.
I do realise that I haven't actually said what the predicament is, basically since around the age of ten I have wanted to design computer games or program them, either way I want to do something with computer games and it stayed that way right up until year eleven (the year before I picked my A levels) I had been taking a look at universities to see what sort of subjects they wanted, I noted that one of the courses only needed 180 points to get in (it isn't that many) so I told my parents they replied that it wasn't academic enough for me so I should find something to suit my brain. I foolishly listened to them and now I am going to be doing zoology. I really like zoology but not as much as I like computer games and designing them. I am a master of denying things so I pretended that computer games didn't interest me as much as they did, except it came to bite me in the arse this year, which is "great".
In order for me to get on a course now I need to change my A levels to the following:
Computing
Maths
Graphics or similar course
Plus I need some sort of art related work - these A levels aren't actually required they just cover things that appear in the course and would really help, I do however need the art.
I take the following:
Chemistry
Biology
ICT
I also have a geography A level stacked up which is great. These are perfect for someone who wants to take zoology or other related degree.
If I did start over I would also join the Milton Keynes Chinese school, because I would actually be here for two years and that would be plenty of time to enrol and learn Chinese, I could continue to earn up money working at Waitrose and I could learn kickboxing as well. Plus in a brilliant world I would be on T and maybe have even had top-surgery before heading to uni. However I would still be living at my house for another two years and I doubt I could manage that, I would also go to university at the same time as my sister which may seem weird to my family and I would be two years behind all of my friends which would be awkward.
As Rise Against so perfectly put it:
We can't spend our lives waiting to live
In a way by taking the zoology course that is exactly what I am doing, I'm not living like I want to and to me that seems like a cop out.
My final point as I leave to struggle out this rather important decision is that if I had realised earlier then I wouldn't have denied being trans (or so I assume) as I did once ask my mum (after watching a program about FTMs) if I was like them to which she said no and I believed her, starting off years of denial.
For a long time I have known something about me, I was a very immature and naive child. Despite that fact that I seemed very mature that was only a front and it was only in certain areas. It took me until I came out as trans which was only a year and half ago to realise that my parents are not experts and I probably should never have listened to them as much as I did. What intrigues me is why? Most children learn that their parents are capable of being wrong from a much younger age and because I didn't, I've sort of ended up not quite being where I want to be. Of course that isn't my parents fault it is mine but now I am stuck, I have two paths and one is where I really want to be and the other is still okay but not quite what I wanted it to be. My two paths will actually determine my future quite a bit and that is what worries me, I may screw up my future because I foolishly believed that my parents were experts. What also worries me is that if I had kept denying being trans for the next four or five years I may never have noticed that I wasn't doing what I wanted, I may never have noticed and by then it would essentially be too late. So what do I do?
I see myself with two or maybe three options:
1. To continue on as I am
2. To continue this last year of school and then start over
3. Start over right now
Like all decisions there are many advantages and disadvantages, part of me really doesn't see the first as being a viable option any more but part of me is also a chicken and what I plan to do is quite a big decision. As I only have around half a year of school left, two seems really sensible as after all I have spent all this time studying for things it would be a shame to quite now and I would end up with a nice set of qualifications. Plus when I start over I could actually get my new qualifications in my new legal name straight off and I could have enough time to change all my old certificates as well plus it would make applying a lot easier, however I would have to go through all of that again. Starting over right now (and by right now I mean in the new school year - meaning I would spend a lot of time working until then) could be interesting, I don't really know how well it would go. Of course I will have to talk to teachers, my parents and probably our school's counsellor - who still calls me by my old name despite knowing I don't like that... I think she is the only other adult who doesn't think I am serious about what I want to do.
I do realise that I haven't actually said what the predicament is, basically since around the age of ten I have wanted to design computer games or program them, either way I want to do something with computer games and it stayed that way right up until year eleven (the year before I picked my A levels) I had been taking a look at universities to see what sort of subjects they wanted, I noted that one of the courses only needed 180 points to get in (it isn't that many) so I told my parents they replied that it wasn't academic enough for me so I should find something to suit my brain. I foolishly listened to them and now I am going to be doing zoology. I really like zoology but not as much as I like computer games and designing them. I am a master of denying things so I pretended that computer games didn't interest me as much as they did, except it came to bite me in the arse this year, which is "great".
In order for me to get on a course now I need to change my A levels to the following:
Computing
Maths
Graphics or similar course
Plus I need some sort of art related work - these A levels aren't actually required they just cover things that appear in the course and would really help, I do however need the art.
I take the following:
Chemistry
Biology
ICT
I also have a geography A level stacked up which is great. These are perfect for someone who wants to take zoology or other related degree.
If I did start over I would also join the Milton Keynes Chinese school, because I would actually be here for two years and that would be plenty of time to enrol and learn Chinese, I could continue to earn up money working at Waitrose and I could learn kickboxing as well. Plus in a brilliant world I would be on T and maybe have even had top-surgery before heading to uni. However I would still be living at my house for another two years and I doubt I could manage that, I would also go to university at the same time as my sister which may seem weird to my family and I would be two years behind all of my friends which would be awkward.
As Rise Against so perfectly put it:
We can't spend our lives waiting to live
In a way by taking the zoology course that is exactly what I am doing, I'm not living like I want to and to me that seems like a cop out.
My final point as I leave to struggle out this rather important decision is that if I had realised earlier then I wouldn't have denied being trans (or so I assume) as I did once ask my mum (after watching a program about FTMs) if I was like them to which she said no and I believed her, starting off years of denial.