(no subject)
10am
Have been feeling like Chris and me aren't connecting sexually the way I feel we OUGHT to, and since he seems unlikely to try to spice things up, I guess I'll have to be the one. So sent email to Chris this morning that said "I'm hot for you!" along with an erotic picture of me in nothing but a tan and some bling-bling. I feel very accomplished.
Now I'm just gonna lie here in bed, preparing for his phone call. Where did I put the hand cream?
11am
No reply yet. A little bit annoyed. Is he planning on sleeping ALL morning?
12am
I took a little nap. Woke up with hand cream in my hair. Yuck. Why isn't he calling?
1pm
Still no call. WTF?
2pm
Still waiting. Getting a bit hungry now.
3pm
Chris finally calls while I'm in the middle of wolfing down the hamburger I ordered from room service.
"Where the hell have you been?" I spit out along with some lettuce.
"What do you mean?" He asks all innocently. Bastard!
"Did you not see my email this morning?"
"Oh, yeah, thanks…eh" he says.
Eh?
"Eh? That's all you have to say?"
Two highly embarrassing hours of kneeling buck naked in front of a stranger with a camera who kept saying "Can you bend over a bit more, now put your finger in your mouth, no deeper". Two hours of freezing my butt of while having it ogled and giggled over by two female photo assistants, one of who could have been my grandmother and all I get is an "eh"!
He sounds a bit uncertain as he says: "No, I mean, it was…cute. But. I'm not sure I get it."
What is there not to get? I was NAKED!
"I…was…HOT…for…YOU…" I explain, while grinding my teeth and trying to remain calm because I never imagined I would have to explain the purpose of naked-pictures to Chris.
"Yeah, I guess you do look a bit sweaty," he chuckles and I want to kill him along with the damn photographer who PROMISED that oiling me up for the shoot would make me look sexy as hell. I don't think I've ever felt less sexy in my life than I do at that moment.
"Oh," I say, because what CAN I say? My boyfriend thinks I'm a joke. A big, sweaty, revolting joke.
"Hmm, did you put on weight in the picture?" He says. "It kinda looks like it."
There's a pause where I wonder how much more humiliation I can take. "Well," I finally say, defeated. "It's late. If it's alright with you I'm just gonna hang up now and go shoot myself. Bye"
I vaguely hear Chris shouting "What, wait! Justin!" in a desperate tone as I hang up the phone.
Between 3 - 4 pm
I sulk.
4pm
Decide to look at the picture myself then, because at least I APPRECIATE myself naked.
That came out a little bit wrong... but ah well.
4.05
OH MY GOD!
I sent him the WRONG picture!
What I DID send him was this:
He is never going to want me again!
In my defence, it was an easy mistake to make.
In his defence, I do look like I put on some weight.