Timestamp meme
Hallie and rachel_martin64 wanted 35 hours after "The Call of the Wolverine." Featuring Jean, Scott and Darwin the Beagle.
“Scott, I did not say . . . Scott, I did not say that! . . . You need to calm down. . . . . You need to calm down now. . . . Ororo’s not talking to you. She’s blocked your calls. Hank, too. They’re talking about having you committed. What does that tell you? . . . And what did Charles say? . . . Oh, he’s ‘in on it’? . . . Honey, as a medical professional, I’m telling you, you’re talking like someone who desperately needs to be medicated . . . I am not making light of this! You’ve called me 24 times in 30 hours! You’re getting progressively more hysterical and irrational!”
I use my teke to hold the phone in place as I massage my temples. “Now Scott, think about this, can you just stop hyperventilating for one minute and think about this? Put your head between your knees . . . there you go. Now I’m asking you, just take a deep breath and ask yourself which is more likely: that your nearest and dearest would conspire against you and lie to you for days about something very dear to your heart, or that Logan would lie to you just to mess with you? . . . What the hell do you mean you need to think about it? . . . Oh, for God’s sake, I should tear that damn hunk of junk apart just for spite. You’re obsessed with it . . . No, I damn well will not call it ‘her’! Why the hell can’t you just cheat on me with a human being like a normal person? Do you honestly think I’d . . . Oh, this is ridiculous . . . ”
I hold the phone away from my ear as the shrieking escalates and look at Darwin, who’s thumping around playing with his toy frog. “You hear this, Darwin? This is the sound of Daddy having a mental breakdown.” I take a deep breath and listen again.
“No, Scott, I did not say the jet broke down! I said you . . . oh, for God’s sake. OK, Summers, you got me. I’ll come clean. Here’s the deal. You ready? . . . Good. While you were gone Darwin manifested scary mutant puppy powers. His new codename is Jaws, and he’s been teething on your precious titanium jet. He thinks it’s the best toy ever, and he’s tearing it to pieces. I haven’t been able to fix it because I’ve been too busy helping Logan undergo the sex change operation he’s always wanted. After it’s finished he’s going on tour as a Hannah Montana backup singer. Warren’s given away everything he owns to charity and is becoming a Tibetan monk, Ororo’s decided to ditch the X-Men and work for an oil company, and Hank’s run away to join the circus. I think that’s about all the stuff we’ve all been keeping from you, no, wait, there’s one more thing: I’m secretly a man!”
I throw the phone across the room and bury my head in my hands as Darwin stops his play and stares at me. “There are three options here,” I tell my dog darkly. “First, I can greet him at the airport armed with a tranquilizer gun. Second, I can fly the damn jet to meet him somewhere so he can see with his very own eyes that it’s intact. Third, I can rip Uncle Logan limb from limb and use the pieces to beat some sense into Daddy’s pretty, jet-obsessed little head. I think we both know what the mature, compassionate, expedient response is.” I stand up, take a deep breath and bellow, “LOGAN!”
“Scott, I did not say . . . Scott, I did not say that! . . . You need to calm down. . . . . You need to calm down now. . . . Ororo’s not talking to you. She’s blocked your calls. Hank, too. They’re talking about having you committed. What does that tell you? . . . And what did Charles say? . . . Oh, he’s ‘in on it’? . . . Honey, as a medical professional, I’m telling you, you’re talking like someone who desperately needs to be medicated . . . I am not making light of this! You’ve called me 24 times in 30 hours! You’re getting progressively more hysterical and irrational!”
I use my teke to hold the phone in place as I massage my temples. “Now Scott, think about this, can you just stop hyperventilating for one minute and think about this? Put your head between your knees . . . there you go. Now I’m asking you, just take a deep breath and ask yourself which is more likely: that your nearest and dearest would conspire against you and lie to you for days about something very dear to your heart, or that Logan would lie to you just to mess with you? . . . What the hell do you mean you need to think about it? . . . Oh, for God’s sake, I should tear that damn hunk of junk apart just for spite. You’re obsessed with it . . . No, I damn well will not call it ‘her’! Why the hell can’t you just cheat on me with a human being like a normal person? Do you honestly think I’d . . . Oh, this is ridiculous . . . ”
I hold the phone away from my ear as the shrieking escalates and look at Darwin, who’s thumping around playing with his toy frog. “You hear this, Darwin? This is the sound of Daddy having a mental breakdown.” I take a deep breath and listen again.
“No, Scott, I did not say the jet broke down! I said you . . . oh, for God’s sake. OK, Summers, you got me. I’ll come clean. Here’s the deal. You ready? . . . Good. While you were gone Darwin manifested scary mutant puppy powers. His new codename is Jaws, and he’s been teething on your precious titanium jet. He thinks it’s the best toy ever, and he’s tearing it to pieces. I haven’t been able to fix it because I’ve been too busy helping Logan undergo the sex change operation he’s always wanted. After it’s finished he’s going on tour as a Hannah Montana backup singer. Warren’s given away everything he owns to charity and is becoming a Tibetan monk, Ororo’s decided to ditch the X-Men and work for an oil company, and Hank’s run away to join the circus. I think that’s about all the stuff we’ve all been keeping from you, no, wait, there’s one more thing: I’m secretly a man!”
I throw the phone across the room and bury my head in my hands as Darwin stops his play and stares at me. “There are three options here,” I tell my dog darkly. “First, I can greet him at the airport armed with a tranquilizer gun. Second, I can fly the damn jet to meet him somewhere so he can see with his very own eyes that it’s intact. Third, I can rip Uncle Logan limb from limb and use the pieces to beat some sense into Daddy’s pretty, jet-obsessed little head. I think we both know what the mature, compassionate, expedient response is.” I stand up, take a deep breath and bellow, “LOGAN!”